The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 2 - One for the Money - full transcript
The girls recollect past attempts at starting their own businesses.
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪
♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪
♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
- HI, ROSE.
- WE BROUGHT DINNER.
- WHAT'D YOU GET?
- A BUCKET OF CHICKEN.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT
EXTRA FLAT AND CRISPY.
IT'S A PIZZA, ROSE.
I KNEW THAT, I JUST
MEANT WHAT KIND?
DID YOU REALLY KNOW THAT?
NO. BUT I THOUGHT I COULD COVER.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE. I
WANT YOU TO TRY SOMETHING.
HERE, TASTE THIS.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IT'S WATER.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO IDENTIFY IT, I
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
- IT'S GOOD.
- JUST GOOD?
MMM. VERY GOOD.
HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE THE TASTE?
- REFRESHING, CLEAR, CLEAN...
- WOULD YOU BUY THIS WATER?
- SURE, WHY NOT?
- ABSOLUTELY.
WE'RE RICH. WE'RE RICH. IT
COMES FROM THE HOSE OUT BACK.
MOVE OVER PERRIER,
PETRILLO WATER IS ON THE WAY.
- MA...
- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
ANOTHER ONE OF MY
GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES.
THIS IS DIFFERENT. I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THIS SINCE NOON.
MA, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
THAT THESE MONEY-MAKING
GIMMICKS OF YOURS NEVER WORK?
I'M NOT THE ONLY
ONE WITH BIG DREAMS.
I REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL
THOUGHT CATERING WAS THE TICKET.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
GIRLS, THIS TIME I THINK WE
HAVE REALLY HIT THE JACKPOT.
OH, ME TOO.
THIS WEDDING CONSULTANT BUSINESS
IS THE SMARTEST
THING WE'VE EVER DONE.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
ABOUT TOMORROW.
I'VE NEVER COOKED
FOR 300 PEOPLE.
PLEASE, IN SICILY,
WE DID IT ALL THE TIME.
AND WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MODERN
CONVENIENCES YOU HAVE TODAY.
WE HAD TO SLAUGHTER
OUR OWN MEAT,
PREPARE OUR OWN SEASONINGS,
AND, IF THE FOOD WASN'T
PERFECT, AFTER CAPPUCCINO,
THEY SHOT THE COOK.
MA, YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
NO. WHY DO YOU THINK THERE
ARE ONLY TWO GUYS FROM ITALY?
OH, PLACES EVERYBODY.
HIT IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS BORING.
I KNOW HOW WE COULD
MAKE THE TIME GO FASTER.
WE COULD SING A WORK SONG,
LIKE THEY DO ON THE RAILROAD.
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
♪ GONNA STUFF A CHICKEN ♪
GONNA STUFF A CHICKEN ♪
♪ LIKE MY MAMA TAUGHT ME ♪
LIKE MY MAMA TAUGHT ME ♪
♪ GONNA TAKE THE CHICKEN
DOWN TO MISSISSIPPI ♪
ROSE. ROSE, JUST STUFF IT.
WHO ON EARTH COULD THAT
BE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING?
MAYBE IT'S A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
WITH A CAFFEINE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. MAYBE
WE SHOULD GO SEE.
YEAH.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE A WEAPON.
THE THREE OF YOU WITHOUT
MAKE-UP IS ENOUGH TO SCARE ANYONE.
- WHO IS IT?
- IT'S PRISCILLA.
PRISCILLA?
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED
TOMORROW. YOU SHOULD BE IN BED.
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A WEDDING.
THE HELL THERE ISN'T.
SORRY, DEAR, YOU WERE SAYING?
RAMONE AND I HAD A FIGHT.
I DECIDED I'M NOT
GONNA MARRY HIM.
OH, HONEY, NOW THAT'S RIDICULOUS
TO CALL OFF YOUR WEDDING
BECAUSE OF A SILLY LITTLE ARGUMENT.
- WHAT DID RAMONE DO?
- HE SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
WE'RE GONNA EAT CHICKEN
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
OH, PRISCILLA, I'M SO SORRY.
LISTEN. BE GRATEFUL HE
GOT IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM
BEFORE THE MARRIAGE.
IT'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO
MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.
MOST WOMEN GO THROUGH
THREE, FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE
FOR AMMUNITION LIKE THAT.
HELLO, MIAMI MOM'S CATERING.
IT'S RAMONE.
TELL HIM HE'S THE
SCUM OF THE EARTH.
SHE SAYS THAT YOU ARE
THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.
BUT, UH, SHE SAID IT WITH
A LOT OF LOVE IN HER EYES.
- HE SAYS HE'S SORRY.
- DO YOU HEAR THAT?
DARLING, HE'S SORRY. SO I GUESS
THAT SETTLES EVERYTHING, OKAY?
WE'LL SEE YOU AT YOUR WEDDING.
GIRLS! WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SACRED
INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE HERE.
ARE YOU WILLING TO SACRIFICE
THE HAPPINESS OF THESE TWO KIDS
- FOR THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR?
- YES.
I JUST WANT TO BE SURE
WE'RE IN AGREEMENT.
RAMONE, I'M GONNA
PUT PRISCILLA ON NOW.
I... JUST TALK TO HIM.
HELLO?
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
UH-HUH. OKAY. GOODBYE.
WE'RE BACK TOGETHER.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU REALLY
TALK THINGS OUT LIKE THAT,
YOU SOLVE EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T THANK YOU LADIES ENOUGH.
WE'RE SO MUCH IN LOVE. RAMONE
CAN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW.
- OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET.
- WE'RE ELOPING TO LAS VEGAS.
- YOU'RE WHAT?
- HE'S BOOKING THE FLIGHT NOW.
- CONGRATULATIONS, DARLING.
- CONGRATULATIONS?
LISTEN, WE WERE GOING TO GIVE
YOU YOUR WEDDING GIFT TOMORROW,
BUT SINCE WE WON'T SEE YOU, WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE IT HOME TONIGHT.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
DOROTHY, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WE'RE GONNA LOSE A
FORTUNE ON THIS WEDDING.
AND YOU LET HER MARCH OUT
THAT DOOR WITH YOUR BEST CRYSTAL.
HELLO, POLICE? I'D LIKE
TO REPORT A ROBBERY.
BUT THAT WASN'T
A SCHEME, SOPHIA,
THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
AND WE LOST OUR SHIRTS.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THIS
WATER THING. YOU CAN'T LOSE.
IT'S A RIP OFF, PURE AND SIMPLE.
THAT'S WHY THE FRENCH
WERE FIRST TO COME UP WITH IT.
SOPHIA, WHY ARE YOU SO
OBSESSED WITH MONEY?
BECAUSE I WANNA BUY
A TV FOR MY BEDROOM.
MA, WE HAVE A PERFECTLY
GOOD TV SET IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YEAH, BUT YOU NEVER
LET ME WATCH WHAT I LIKE.
AND I WANNA MAKE SURE I
DON'T MISS THAT FINAL EPISODE
OF MASH I'VE BEEN
HEARING SO MUCH ABOUT.
SOPHIA, HONEY, THAT SHOW
HASN'T BEEN ON IN YEARS.
IS HOTEL STILL ON?
YES.
HOTEL IS STILL ON
AND MASH ISN'T?
HOW GULLIBLE DO YOU THINK I AM?
DO I LOOK LIKE DONNA RICE?
YOU KNOW, MA, I SEEM TO
REMEMBER ANOTHER TIME
YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE
EXTRA MONEY TO BUY A TV SET.
DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE TALKING
ABOUT BROOKLYN, APRIL 1954.
YOU REMEMBER THAT, BUT YOU
DON'T KNOW THAT MASH IS OFF THE AIR.
AH, SHUT UP AND STROLL
WITH ME DOWN MEMORY LANE.
I'D TAKEN IN SOME SEWING.
IT WAS A COUPLE OF
WEEKS BEFORE EASTER.
- I'M HOME.
- OH, CALL THE NEW YORK TIMES.
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
PIERRE IS WRITING
TODAY'S SELECTIONS
ON THE BLACKBOARD
IN THE KITCHEN.
- OW, MY TOOTH!
- OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.
STAY AWAY FROM THE
FOOD ON THE TABLE, IT'S WAX.
HI, MA.
DOROTHY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE COMING. BRING THE KIDS?
NO, I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU ALONE.
- SAL, DOROTHY'S HERE.
- DID SHE BRING THE KIDS?
HI, POP. NO, THE
KIDS ARE AT HOME.
HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I THOUGHT DINNER
WAS IN THE OVEN.
- IT'S A TIN PLATE.
- TAKE THE FOIL OFF THE TOP.
IT'S SOMETHING NEW.
IT'S CALLED A TV DINNER.
THE WAX FRUIT LOOKS BETTER.
MA, I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.
I WANNA GET A PART-TIME JOB
AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD
WATCH THE KIDS TWO DAYS A WEEK.
STAN LOST HIS JOB. I TOLD
YOU THAT YUTZ IS A DEADBEAT.
STAN DID NOT LOSE HIS JOB.
HIS JOB HE COULD AFFORD TO LOSE.
A NOVELTY SALESMAN. THE
NOVELTY WOULD BE IF HE MADE A SALE.
DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.
THERE'S A BIG MARKET
FOR NOVELTIES.
THAT PLASTIC DOG DOO WE
SNUCK INTO CHARLIE'S LUNCH PAIL,
THAT WAS A SCREAM.
I'LL BET HIS COCKER SPANIEL WILL
CATCH HELL FOR THAT TONIGHT.
LUCKY ME.
I'M MARRIED TO THE NOEL
COWARD OF CANARSIE.
I JUST WANT TO PICK UP A
COUPLE OF EXTRA DOLLARS
SO WE CAN BUY A TELEVISION SET.
- NO.
- WHAT?
NO, I WON'T WATCH THE KIDS.
BUT YOU LOVE IT WHEN THE
KIDS COME OVER FOR A VISIT.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
DON'T THROW AWAY MONEY.
THIS TV THING IS JUST A FAD.
HEY, DID YOU KNOW THIS
TURKEY COMES WITH STUFFING?
MA, TV IS NOT A FAD.
OTHERWISE SWANSON WOULD
HAVE CALLED THOSE RADIO DINNERS.
I TOLD YOU NO.
I DIDN'T KNOW THESE
WERE MASHED POTATOES.
THEY DON'T HAVE
LUMPS LIKE YOURS.
YOU WANT LUMPS,
SALVADORE, I'LL GIVE YOU LUMPS.
MA, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE SO
OLD-FASHIONED IN YOUR THINKING.
I SAID NO AND IT'S NO. I'M TOO
BUSY TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT.
FINE. I'LL JUST LEAVE THE
KIDS WITH STAN'S MOTHER.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
THAT GORILLA
SCARES THE CHILDREN.
YOUR MICHAEL DIDN'T SLEEP FOR A
WEEK AFTER HE SAW HER LAST TIME.
MA, THAT IS ENOUGH.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I AM
GOING TO EARN THAT MONEY.
SOPHIA, WOULD YOU JUST TELL HER
SO YOUR HUSBAND CAN
ENJOY HIS MEAL IN PEACE.
TELL ME WHAT?
THESE PEAS TASTE
JUST LIKE FRESH.
BUT YOU CAN'T MIX THEM
WITH THE MASHED POTATOES.
THEY SHOULD HAVE A TUNNEL
RUNNING FROM THE PEA COMPARTMENT
TO THE MASHED
POTATO COMPARTMENT.
MA, WHAT IS POP TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT SHOULD YOU TELL ME?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S YOUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY,
YOUR FATHER AND I DECIDED
TO BUY YOU A TV SET AS A GIFT.
MA, YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M
DOING ALTERATIONS.
THINK I NEED A WARDROBE THIS
SIZE TO GO TO MULBERRY STREET
AND SQUEEZE A ZUCCHINI?
OH, MA.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
I LIED.
I WANTED THE JOB SO WE COULD
BUY POP A TV FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
THEN IT'S SETTLED. YOU BUY
US ONE, WE'LL BUY YOU ONE.
- IT'S A DEAL.
- SURE.
THEN YOUR FATHER CAN GO
WATCH THE FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS
WITH YOUR YUTZ OF A HUSBAND,
YOU COME HERE AND WATCH
PERSON TO PERSON WITH ME,
AND MAYBE ONCE A WEEK THE
WHOLE FAMILY CAN COME OVER
AND WATCH THAT NEW
SHOW, MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY.
THANKS, MA.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- GET SOME AIR.
- WE GOT AIR IN THE HOUSE.
- I LIKE BEER WITH MY AIR.
- YOU'LL WAIT UP FOR ME?
- DON'T I ALWAYS?
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
I LOOK AT HIM, I
SEE ERROL FLYNN.
- THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS.
- THE BEST.
THERE'S STILL ONE PIECE
LEFT, WHO WANTS IT?
- I DO.
- I DO.
WELL, I CAN SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO, LICK THE BOX?
MA, YOU DON'T LIKE STORE BOUGHT
PIZZA, YOU PREFER HOMEMADE.
I ALSO PREFER MILK
STRAIGHT FROM A COW. I ADAPT.
THIS IS AWFUL.
MA, IF YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO EAT IT, WHY DID YOU TAKE IT?
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE. YOU'RE
ALWAYS LEAVING ME OUT OF THINGS.
NOW, SOPHIA, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THE HELL IT ISN'T.
WHAT ABOUT THAT DANCE
MARATHON YOU CUT ME OUT OF?
NOW COME ON, MA.
THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
THERE WAS MONEY AT STAKE.
WE DIDN'T EVEN TELL
EACH OTHER ABOUT THAT.
I REMEMBER I WAS THE FIRST
ONE TO ARRIVE, REMEMBER?
AND I WAS WEARING THAT
BLUE SEQUINED DRESS...
WILL YOU QUIT COMPLAINING,
MARTY? IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
YOU SAID WE WERE
GOING DANCING TONIGHT.
YOU FAILED TO MENTION
IT WAS A DANCE MARATHON.
WELL, THE FIRST PRIZE IS $1000
AND I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MONEY.
I'M IN DESPERATE NEED
OF MEDICAL ATTENTION.
- IS IT SERIOUS?
- VERY.
IF I CAN'T AFFORD A
NEW FALL WARDROBE,
I'LL NEVER LAND MYSELF A DOCTOR.
NO OFFENSE, MARTY.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT ME.
DON'T BE SILLY.
I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I
COULD ANY DRY CLEANER.
RUN AND GET US A NUMBER. GO ON.
WHY, HELLO THERE, BLANCHE.
WELL, DOROTHY. RUSS, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?
RUSSELL AND I JUST ENTERED
THE DANCE MARATHON.
- REALLY, SO DID I.
- YES. IT'S FOR CHARITY.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN.
WELL, HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD
TIME. TRY NOT TO OVERDO IT.
BLANCHE, WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST THAT THESE THINGS
CAN BE A LITTLE STRENUOUS
FOR A WOMAN OF YOUR YEARS.
WHO AM I, MINNIE EISENHOWER?
I CAN LAST JUST AS
LONG AS YOU CAN.
OH, DOROTHY, PLEASE.
I THINK I DO HAVE A LITTLE
MORE ENDURANCE THAN YOU.
BLANCHE, WE ARE NOT
DANCING ON OUR BACKS.
- YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
- I WILL NOT.
YOU JUST IMPLIED
THAT I'M AN OLD LADY.
OH, WELL, HONEY, I
DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY IT.
I MEANT TO SAY IT FLAT OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
PROBLEM IS, BLANCHE?
YOU CAN'T STAND A
LITTLE COMPETITION.
WHICH IS WHY YOU TRIED
TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.
I NOTICE YOU'RE
HERE TOO, DOROTHY.
SO YOU TRIED TO KEEP
IT A SECRET FROM ME.
HI, GIRLS.
ET TU, JUDAS?
NO, IT'S ME, ROSE. MY
HAIR'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
SO YOU TWO FOUND OUT
ABOUT THIS THING TOO?
- MM-HMM.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
'CAUSE THAT THOUSAND
DOLLAR PRIZE IS GONNA BE MINE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I WAS
KNOWN AS THE DANCING FOOL.
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THEY
DROPPED THE "DANCING" PART?
YOWZA, YOWZA, YOWZA,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
AND WELCOME TO THE THIRTEENTH
ANNUAL JEFFERSON HOSPITAL
HEART CHARITY DANCE
MARATHON. YES, SIR.
ONE WORD OF CAUTION
BEFORE WE BEGIN.
CONTRARY TO WHAT SOME
FOLKS THOUGHT LAST YEAR,
THIS MARATHON IS NOT PART OF THE
CARDIAC REHABILITATION PROGRAM
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.
IF ANY OF YOU TOE TAPPERS HAVE
MORE THAN 30 PERCENT BLOCKAGE,
WE IMPLORE YOU TO LEAVE
THE DANCE FLOOR AT THIS TIME.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. LET'S LET
THE DANCE MARATHON BEGIN!
A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
BLANCHE, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
I TWISTED MY ANKLE. I'M NOT
GONNA BE ABLE TO DANCE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D FORCE
ME TO DANCE ALL NIGHT IN PAIN.
I MEAN, IF YOU WIN, YOU SAID YOU
WERE GONNA TAKE ALL THE MONEY.
WHAT DO I GET OUT
OF THIS EVENING?
COME HERE.
LET'S SAMBA.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
OUR CHARITY DANCE MARATHON
IS NOW ENTERING
ITS SEVENTH HOUR.
LET'S GIVE OUR CONTESTANTS
A GREAT BIG HAND.
HI, GIRLS, HOW ARE
YOU HOLDING UP?
- OH, FINE, JUST FINE.
- TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF
THE BIG DANCE BACK IN ST. OLAF
TO KICK OFF PRETZEL WEEK.
MY UNCLE GUNTHER, AFTER THE
GREAT BEER NUT SHORTAGE OF 21...
FOUL! SEND A JUDGE OVER HERE.
THIS WOMAN IS TRYING
TO PUT US TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE JUST EXHAUSTED AND
YOU'RE TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME.
EXHAUSTED? I'LL SHOW
YOU WHO'S EXHAUSTED.
MAESTRO. HOW ABOUT
SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE... OCTANE.
OKAY, LITTLE LADY. ALL
RIGHT, BOYS! TAKE IT AWAY!
A ONE, TWO, A ONE,
TWO, THREE, FOUR.
OUT OF MY WAY, AMATEURS.
BLANCHE, MIND
IF I GIVE IT A TRY?
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, GO ON.
NO, DAVE, I BETTER
DO THIS BY MYSELF.
YOU MIGHT GET HURT.
THREE, FOUR...
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING
TO BE A LONG NIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A
NICE ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR OUR FOUR REMAINING
COUPLES AS WE ENTER LUCKY HOUR 13.
AND A SPECIAL ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR THAT SPUNKY NICK MONTAVESTI.
HE OUTRAN ENEMY FIRE AT IWO JIMA
BUT PHLEBITIS IS THE ENEMY
HE COULDN'T OUTRUN TONIGHT.
AND NOW, IT'S TIME TO TANGO.
- BLANCHE, I CAN'T.
- NO.
- I CAN'T GO ON.
- NO, YOU HAVE TO.
JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
AND I'LL HAVE THAT THOUSAND.
AND YOU WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL
STORY TO TELL YOUR POKER CLUB.
NO, I'M SORRY, BLANCHE. I QUIT.
- DON'T YOU DARE.
- NO, I QUIT.
- NO, I QUIT.
- MARTY!
UH-OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT LOOKS LIKE COUPLE 29
IS OUT OF THE COMPETITION.
AND THAT LITTLE LADY
ON THE DANCE FLOOR
IS OUT TOO UNLESS SHE
CAN FIND A NEW PARTNER
WITHIN THE NEXT MINUTE.
OH, YEAH?
EXCUSE ME, SIR. LISTEN.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER DUMPING
YOUR PARTNER AND DANCING WITH ME?
LISTEN, SIR. EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER IT IF I...
DOROTHY, DOROTHY!
I GOT A CHARLIE HORSE.
- I CAN'T MAKE IT.
- SHAKE IT OFF, WIMP!
I CAN'T.
RUSSELL, COME BACK.
COME BACK HERE.
COME BACK HERE! RUSSELL!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, BLANCHE.
ROSE, I'M AFRAID
I HAVE TO LEAVE.
- ARE YOU IN PAIN?
- I WILL BE
IF MY WIFE CATCHES ME
AND SHE JUST WALKED IN.
DAVID! DAVID!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER.
COUPLE NUMBER 29!
THAT'S ME. I WON. I WON!
I WON! I WON!
JUST A MINUTE,
IT'S NOT OVER YET.
IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE ANOTHER
COUPLE REENTERING THE FLOOR.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK
ON YOUR FACE WHEN DOROTHY AND I
TANGOED ON TO THE FLOOR.
AND I WILL NEVER FORGET
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES
WHEN YOU WERE DISQUALIFIED
AND I WON THE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
AND IT WAS SO SPORTING OF
YOU TO SHARE YOUR WINNINGS.
WITH MY $10 I GOT THAT CAN
OPENER I ALWAYS WANTED.
DON'T SAY NO, JUST HEAR ME OUT.
- DO YOU THINK I'M CUTE?
- OH, MA.
- JUST ANSWER.
- YES, MA, I THINK YOU'RE CUTE.
WOULD YOU SAY CUTE
VERGING ON ADORABLE?
SOPHIA, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
JUST PICTURE MY FACE ON THIS
JAR FILLED WITH MY TOMATO SAUCE.
WE COULD PUT PAUL
NEWMAN OUT OF BUSINESS.
MA, IF YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE
OF A SPAGHETTI SAUCE
WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT
OR PAUL NEWMAN'S PICTURE ON
IT, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
BACK TO SQUARE ONE.
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE ♪
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT ♪
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY ♪
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW ♪
♪ YOU WOULD SEE ♪
♪ THE BIGGEST GIFT
WOULD BE FROM ME ♪
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY ♪
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
- HI, ROSE.
- WE BROUGHT DINNER.
- WHAT'D YOU GET?
- A BUCKET OF CHICKEN.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT
EXTRA FLAT AND CRISPY.
IT'S A PIZZA, ROSE.
I KNEW THAT, I JUST
MEANT WHAT KIND?
DID YOU REALLY KNOW THAT?
NO. BUT I THOUGHT I COULD COVER.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE. I
WANT YOU TO TRY SOMETHING.
HERE, TASTE THIS.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IT'S WATER.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO IDENTIFY IT, I
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
- IT'S GOOD.
- JUST GOOD?
MMM. VERY GOOD.
HOW WOULD YOU
DESCRIBE THE TASTE?
- REFRESHING, CLEAR, CLEAN...
- WOULD YOU BUY THIS WATER?
- SURE, WHY NOT?
- ABSOLUTELY.
WE'RE RICH. WE'RE RICH. IT
COMES FROM THE HOSE OUT BACK.
MOVE OVER PERRIER,
PETRILLO WATER IS ON THE WAY.
- MA...
- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
ANOTHER ONE OF MY
GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES.
THIS IS DIFFERENT. I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON THIS SINCE NOON.
MA, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
THAT THESE MONEY-MAKING
GIMMICKS OF YOURS NEVER WORK?
I'M NOT THE ONLY
ONE WITH BIG DREAMS.
I REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL
THOUGHT CATERING WAS THE TICKET.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
GIRLS, THIS TIME I THINK WE
HAVE REALLY HIT THE JACKPOT.
OH, ME TOO.
THIS WEDDING CONSULTANT BUSINESS
IS THE SMARTEST
THING WE'VE EVER DONE.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
ABOUT TOMORROW.
I'VE NEVER COOKED
FOR 300 PEOPLE.
PLEASE, IN SICILY,
WE DID IT ALL THE TIME.
AND WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MODERN
CONVENIENCES YOU HAVE TODAY.
WE HAD TO SLAUGHTER
OUR OWN MEAT,
PREPARE OUR OWN SEASONINGS,
AND, IF THE FOOD WASN'T
PERFECT, AFTER CAPPUCCINO,
THEY SHOT THE COOK.
MA, YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
NO. WHY DO YOU THINK THERE
ARE ONLY TWO GUYS FROM ITALY?
OH, PLACES EVERYBODY.
HIT IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS BORING.
I KNOW HOW WE COULD
MAKE THE TIME GO FASTER.
WE COULD SING A WORK SONG,
LIKE THEY DO ON THE RAILROAD.
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
♪ GONNA STUFF A CHICKEN ♪
GONNA STUFF A CHICKEN ♪
♪ LIKE MY MAMA TAUGHT ME ♪
LIKE MY MAMA TAUGHT ME ♪
♪ GONNA TAKE THE CHICKEN
DOWN TO MISSISSIPPI ♪
ROSE. ROSE, JUST STUFF IT.
WHO ON EARTH COULD THAT
BE AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING?
MAYBE IT'S A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
WITH A CAFFEINE PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. MAYBE
WE SHOULD GO SEE.
YEAH.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE A WEAPON.
THE THREE OF YOU WITHOUT
MAKE-UP IS ENOUGH TO SCARE ANYONE.
- WHO IS IT?
- IT'S PRISCILLA.
PRISCILLA?
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED
TOMORROW. YOU SHOULD BE IN BED.
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A WEDDING.
THE HELL THERE ISN'T.
SORRY, DEAR, YOU WERE SAYING?
RAMONE AND I HAD A FIGHT.
I DECIDED I'M NOT
GONNA MARRY HIM.
OH, HONEY, NOW THAT'S RIDICULOUS
TO CALL OFF YOUR WEDDING
BECAUSE OF A SILLY LITTLE ARGUMENT.
- WHAT DID RAMONE DO?
- HE SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
WE'RE GONNA EAT CHICKEN
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
OH, PRISCILLA, I'M SO SORRY.
LISTEN. BE GRATEFUL HE
GOT IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM
BEFORE THE MARRIAGE.
IT'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO
MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.
MOST WOMEN GO THROUGH
THREE, FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE
FOR AMMUNITION LIKE THAT.
HELLO, MIAMI MOM'S CATERING.
IT'S RAMONE.
TELL HIM HE'S THE
SCUM OF THE EARTH.
SHE SAYS THAT YOU ARE
THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.
BUT, UH, SHE SAID IT WITH
A LOT OF LOVE IN HER EYES.
- HE SAYS HE'S SORRY.
- DO YOU HEAR THAT?
DARLING, HE'S SORRY. SO I GUESS
THAT SETTLES EVERYTHING, OKAY?
WE'LL SEE YOU AT YOUR WEDDING.
GIRLS! WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SACRED
INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE HERE.
ARE YOU WILLING TO SACRIFICE
THE HAPPINESS OF THESE TWO KIDS
- FOR THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR?
- YES.
I JUST WANT TO BE SURE
WE'RE IN AGREEMENT.
RAMONE, I'M GONNA
PUT PRISCILLA ON NOW.
I... JUST TALK TO HIM.
HELLO?
UH-HUH. UH-HUH.
UH-HUH. OKAY. GOODBYE.
WE'RE BACK TOGETHER.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU REALLY
TALK THINGS OUT LIKE THAT,
YOU SOLVE EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T THANK YOU LADIES ENOUGH.
WE'RE SO MUCH IN LOVE. RAMONE
CAN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW.
- OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET.
- WE'RE ELOPING TO LAS VEGAS.
- YOU'RE WHAT?
- HE'S BOOKING THE FLIGHT NOW.
- CONGRATULATIONS, DARLING.
- CONGRATULATIONS?
LISTEN, WE WERE GOING TO GIVE
YOU YOUR WEDDING GIFT TOMORROW,
BUT SINCE WE WON'T SEE YOU, WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE IT HOME TONIGHT.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
DOROTHY, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WE'RE GONNA LOSE A
FORTUNE ON THIS WEDDING.
AND YOU LET HER MARCH OUT
THAT DOOR WITH YOUR BEST CRYSTAL.
HELLO, POLICE? I'D LIKE
TO REPORT A ROBBERY.
BUT THAT WASN'T
A SCHEME, SOPHIA,
THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
AND WE LOST OUR SHIRTS.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THIS
WATER THING. YOU CAN'T LOSE.
IT'S A RIP OFF, PURE AND SIMPLE.
THAT'S WHY THE FRENCH
WERE FIRST TO COME UP WITH IT.
SOPHIA, WHY ARE YOU SO
OBSESSED WITH MONEY?
BECAUSE I WANNA BUY
A TV FOR MY BEDROOM.
MA, WE HAVE A PERFECTLY
GOOD TV SET IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YEAH, BUT YOU NEVER
LET ME WATCH WHAT I LIKE.
AND I WANNA MAKE SURE I
DON'T MISS THAT FINAL EPISODE
OF MASH I'VE BEEN
HEARING SO MUCH ABOUT.
SOPHIA, HONEY, THAT SHOW
HASN'T BEEN ON IN YEARS.
IS HOTEL STILL ON?
YES.
HOTEL IS STILL ON
AND MASH ISN'T?
HOW GULLIBLE DO YOU THINK I AM?
DO I LOOK LIKE DONNA RICE?
YOU KNOW, MA, I SEEM TO
REMEMBER ANOTHER TIME
YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE
EXTRA MONEY TO BUY A TV SET.
DO YOU HAPPEN TO BE TALKING
ABOUT BROOKLYN, APRIL 1954.
YOU REMEMBER THAT, BUT YOU
DON'T KNOW THAT MASH IS OFF THE AIR.
AH, SHUT UP AND STROLL
WITH ME DOWN MEMORY LANE.
I'D TAKEN IN SOME SEWING.
IT WAS A COUPLE OF
WEEKS BEFORE EASTER.
- I'M HOME.
- OH, CALL THE NEW YORK TIMES.
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
PIERRE IS WRITING
TODAY'S SELECTIONS
ON THE BLACKBOARD
IN THE KITCHEN.
- OW, MY TOOTH!
- OH, YEAH, I FORGOT.
STAY AWAY FROM THE
FOOD ON THE TABLE, IT'S WAX.
HI, MA.
DOROTHY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE COMING. BRING THE KIDS?
NO, I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU ALONE.
- SAL, DOROTHY'S HERE.
- DID SHE BRING THE KIDS?
HI, POP. NO, THE
KIDS ARE AT HOME.
HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I THOUGHT DINNER
WAS IN THE OVEN.
- IT'S A TIN PLATE.
- TAKE THE FOIL OFF THE TOP.
IT'S SOMETHING NEW.
IT'S CALLED A TV DINNER.
THE WAX FRUIT LOOKS BETTER.
MA, I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.
I WANNA GET A PART-TIME JOB
AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD
WATCH THE KIDS TWO DAYS A WEEK.
STAN LOST HIS JOB. I TOLD
YOU THAT YUTZ IS A DEADBEAT.
STAN DID NOT LOSE HIS JOB.
HIS JOB HE COULD AFFORD TO LOSE.
A NOVELTY SALESMAN. THE
NOVELTY WOULD BE IF HE MADE A SALE.
DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.
THERE'S A BIG MARKET
FOR NOVELTIES.
THAT PLASTIC DOG DOO WE
SNUCK INTO CHARLIE'S LUNCH PAIL,
THAT WAS A SCREAM.
I'LL BET HIS COCKER SPANIEL WILL
CATCH HELL FOR THAT TONIGHT.
LUCKY ME.
I'M MARRIED TO THE NOEL
COWARD OF CANARSIE.
I JUST WANT TO PICK UP A
COUPLE OF EXTRA DOLLARS
SO WE CAN BUY A TELEVISION SET.
- NO.
- WHAT?
NO, I WON'T WATCH THE KIDS.
BUT YOU LOVE IT WHEN THE
KIDS COME OVER FOR A VISIT.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
DON'T THROW AWAY MONEY.
THIS TV THING IS JUST A FAD.
HEY, DID YOU KNOW THIS
TURKEY COMES WITH STUFFING?
MA, TV IS NOT A FAD.
OTHERWISE SWANSON WOULD
HAVE CALLED THOSE RADIO DINNERS.
I TOLD YOU NO.
I DIDN'T KNOW THESE
WERE MASHED POTATOES.
THEY DON'T HAVE
LUMPS LIKE YOURS.
YOU WANT LUMPS,
SALVADORE, I'LL GIVE YOU LUMPS.
MA, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE SO
OLD-FASHIONED IN YOUR THINKING.
I SAID NO AND IT'S NO. I'M TOO
BUSY TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT.
FINE. I'LL JUST LEAVE THE
KIDS WITH STAN'S MOTHER.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
THAT GORILLA
SCARES THE CHILDREN.
YOUR MICHAEL DIDN'T SLEEP FOR A
WEEK AFTER HE SAW HER LAST TIME.
MA, THAT IS ENOUGH.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I AM
GOING TO EARN THAT MONEY.
SOPHIA, WOULD YOU JUST TELL HER
SO YOUR HUSBAND CAN
ENJOY HIS MEAL IN PEACE.
TELL ME WHAT?
THESE PEAS TASTE
JUST LIKE FRESH.
BUT YOU CAN'T MIX THEM
WITH THE MASHED POTATOES.
THEY SHOULD HAVE A TUNNEL
RUNNING FROM THE PEA COMPARTMENT
TO THE MASHED
POTATO COMPARTMENT.
MA, WHAT IS POP TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT SHOULD YOU TELL ME?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S YOUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY,
YOUR FATHER AND I DECIDED
TO BUY YOU A TV SET AS A GIFT.
MA, YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M
DOING ALTERATIONS.
THINK I NEED A WARDROBE THIS
SIZE TO GO TO MULBERRY STREET
AND SQUEEZE A ZUCCHINI?
OH, MA.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
I LIED.
I WANTED THE JOB SO WE COULD
BUY POP A TV FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
THEN IT'S SETTLED. YOU BUY
US ONE, WE'LL BUY YOU ONE.
- IT'S A DEAL.
- SURE.
THEN YOUR FATHER CAN GO
WATCH THE FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS
WITH YOUR YUTZ OF A HUSBAND,
YOU COME HERE AND WATCH
PERSON TO PERSON WITH ME,
AND MAYBE ONCE A WEEK THE
WHOLE FAMILY CAN COME OVER
AND WATCH THAT NEW
SHOW, MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY.
THANKS, MA.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- GET SOME AIR.
- WE GOT AIR IN THE HOUSE.
- I LIKE BEER WITH MY AIR.
- YOU'LL WAIT UP FOR ME?
- DON'T I ALWAYS?
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
I LOOK AT HIM, I
SEE ERROL FLYNN.
- THAT PIZZA WAS DELICIOUS.
- THE BEST.
THERE'S STILL ONE PIECE
LEFT, WHO WANTS IT?
- I DO.
- I DO.
WELL, I CAN SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO, LICK THE BOX?
MA, YOU DON'T LIKE STORE BOUGHT
PIZZA, YOU PREFER HOMEMADE.
I ALSO PREFER MILK
STRAIGHT FROM A COW. I ADAPT.
THIS IS AWFUL.
MA, IF YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO EAT IT, WHY DID YOU TAKE IT?
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE. YOU'RE
ALWAYS LEAVING ME OUT OF THINGS.
NOW, SOPHIA, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THE HELL IT ISN'T.
WHAT ABOUT THAT DANCE
MARATHON YOU CUT ME OUT OF?
NOW COME ON, MA.
THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
THERE WAS MONEY AT STAKE.
WE DIDN'T EVEN TELL
EACH OTHER ABOUT THAT.
I REMEMBER I WAS THE FIRST
ONE TO ARRIVE, REMEMBER?
AND I WAS WEARING THAT
BLUE SEQUINED DRESS...
WILL YOU QUIT COMPLAINING,
MARTY? IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
YOU SAID WE WERE
GOING DANCING TONIGHT.
YOU FAILED TO MENTION
IT WAS A DANCE MARATHON.
WELL, THE FIRST PRIZE IS $1000
AND I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MONEY.
I'M IN DESPERATE NEED
OF MEDICAL ATTENTION.
- IS IT SERIOUS?
- VERY.
IF I CAN'T AFFORD A
NEW FALL WARDROBE,
I'LL NEVER LAND MYSELF A DOCTOR.
NO OFFENSE, MARTY.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT ME.
DON'T BE SILLY.
I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I
COULD ANY DRY CLEANER.
RUN AND GET US A NUMBER. GO ON.
WHY, HELLO THERE, BLANCHE.
WELL, DOROTHY. RUSS, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?
RUSSELL AND I JUST ENTERED
THE DANCE MARATHON.
- REALLY, SO DID I.
- YES. IT'S FOR CHARITY.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN.
WELL, HAVE YOURSELF A GOOD
TIME. TRY NOT TO OVERDO IT.
BLANCHE, WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST THAT THESE THINGS
CAN BE A LITTLE STRENUOUS
FOR A WOMAN OF YOUR YEARS.
WHO AM I, MINNIE EISENHOWER?
I CAN LAST JUST AS
LONG AS YOU CAN.
OH, DOROTHY, PLEASE.
I THINK I DO HAVE A LITTLE
MORE ENDURANCE THAN YOU.
BLANCHE, WE ARE NOT
DANCING ON OUR BACKS.
- YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
- I WILL NOT.
YOU JUST IMPLIED
THAT I'M AN OLD LADY.
OH, WELL, HONEY, I
DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY IT.
I MEANT TO SAY IT FLAT OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
PROBLEM IS, BLANCHE?
YOU CAN'T STAND A
LITTLE COMPETITION.
WHICH IS WHY YOU TRIED
TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.
I NOTICE YOU'RE
HERE TOO, DOROTHY.
SO YOU TRIED TO KEEP
IT A SECRET FROM ME.
HI, GIRLS.
ET TU, JUDAS?
NO, IT'S ME, ROSE. MY
HAIR'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
SO YOU TWO FOUND OUT
ABOUT THIS THING TOO?
- MM-HMM.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE.
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
'CAUSE THAT THOUSAND
DOLLAR PRIZE IS GONNA BE MINE.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I WAS
KNOWN AS THE DANCING FOOL.
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THEY
DROPPED THE "DANCING" PART?
YOWZA, YOWZA, YOWZA,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
AND WELCOME TO THE THIRTEENTH
ANNUAL JEFFERSON HOSPITAL
HEART CHARITY DANCE
MARATHON. YES, SIR.
ONE WORD OF CAUTION
BEFORE WE BEGIN.
CONTRARY TO WHAT SOME
FOLKS THOUGHT LAST YEAR,
THIS MARATHON IS NOT PART OF THE
CARDIAC REHABILITATION PROGRAM
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.
IF ANY OF YOU TOE TAPPERS HAVE
MORE THAN 30 PERCENT BLOCKAGE,
WE IMPLORE YOU TO LEAVE
THE DANCE FLOOR AT THIS TIME.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. LET'S LET
THE DANCE MARATHON BEGIN!
A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
BLANCHE, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
I TWISTED MY ANKLE. I'M NOT
GONNA BE ABLE TO DANCE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D FORCE
ME TO DANCE ALL NIGHT IN PAIN.
I MEAN, IF YOU WIN, YOU SAID YOU
WERE GONNA TAKE ALL THE MONEY.
WHAT DO I GET OUT
OF THIS EVENING?
COME HERE.
LET'S SAMBA.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
OUR CHARITY DANCE MARATHON
IS NOW ENTERING
ITS SEVENTH HOUR.
LET'S GIVE OUR CONTESTANTS
A GREAT BIG HAND.
HI, GIRLS, HOW ARE
YOU HOLDING UP?
- OH, FINE, JUST FINE.
- TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF
THE BIG DANCE BACK IN ST. OLAF
TO KICK OFF PRETZEL WEEK.
MY UNCLE GUNTHER, AFTER THE
GREAT BEER NUT SHORTAGE OF 21...
FOUL! SEND A JUDGE OVER HERE.
THIS WOMAN IS TRYING
TO PUT US TO SLEEP.
YOU'RE JUST EXHAUSTED AND
YOU'RE TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME.
EXHAUSTED? I'LL SHOW
YOU WHO'S EXHAUSTED.
MAESTRO. HOW ABOUT
SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE... OCTANE.
OKAY, LITTLE LADY. ALL
RIGHT, BOYS! TAKE IT AWAY!
A ONE, TWO, A ONE,
TWO, THREE, FOUR.
OUT OF MY WAY, AMATEURS.
BLANCHE, MIND
IF I GIVE IT A TRY?
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, GO ON.
NO, DAVE, I BETTER
DO THIS BY MYSELF.
YOU MIGHT GET HURT.
THREE, FOUR...
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING
TO BE A LONG NIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A
NICE ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR OUR FOUR REMAINING
COUPLES AS WE ENTER LUCKY HOUR 13.
AND A SPECIAL ROUND OF APPLAUSE
FOR THAT SPUNKY NICK MONTAVESTI.
HE OUTRAN ENEMY FIRE AT IWO JIMA
BUT PHLEBITIS IS THE ENEMY
HE COULDN'T OUTRUN TONIGHT.
AND NOW, IT'S TIME TO TANGO.
- BLANCHE, I CAN'T.
- NO.
- I CAN'T GO ON.
- NO, YOU HAVE TO.
JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER
AND I'LL HAVE THAT THOUSAND.
AND YOU WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL
STORY TO TELL YOUR POKER CLUB.
NO, I'M SORRY, BLANCHE. I QUIT.
- DON'T YOU DARE.
- NO, I QUIT.
- NO, I QUIT.
- MARTY!
UH-OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT LOOKS LIKE COUPLE 29
IS OUT OF THE COMPETITION.
AND THAT LITTLE LADY
ON THE DANCE FLOOR
IS OUT TOO UNLESS SHE
CAN FIND A NEW PARTNER
WITHIN THE NEXT MINUTE.
OH, YEAH?
EXCUSE ME, SIR. LISTEN.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER DUMPING
YOUR PARTNER AND DANCING WITH ME?
LISTEN, SIR. EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU CONSIDER IT IF I...
DOROTHY, DOROTHY!
I GOT A CHARLIE HORSE.
- I CAN'T MAKE IT.
- SHAKE IT OFF, WIMP!
I CAN'T.
RUSSELL, COME BACK.
COME BACK HERE.
COME BACK HERE! RUSSELL!
LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST
YOU AND ME, BLANCHE.
ROSE, I'M AFRAID
I HAVE TO LEAVE.
- ARE YOU IN PAIN?
- I WILL BE
IF MY WIFE CATCHES ME
AND SHE JUST WALKED IN.
DAVID! DAVID!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER.
COUPLE NUMBER 29!
THAT'S ME. I WON. I WON!
I WON! I WON!
JUST A MINUTE,
IT'S NOT OVER YET.
IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE ANOTHER
COUPLE REENTERING THE FLOOR.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK
ON YOUR FACE WHEN DOROTHY AND I
TANGOED ON TO THE FLOOR.
AND I WILL NEVER FORGET
THE LOOK ON YOUR FACES
WHEN YOU WERE DISQUALIFIED
AND I WON THE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
AND IT WAS SO SPORTING OF
YOU TO SHARE YOUR WINNINGS.
WITH MY $10 I GOT THAT CAN
OPENER I ALWAYS WANTED.
DON'T SAY NO, JUST HEAR ME OUT.
- DO YOU THINK I'M CUTE?
- OH, MA.
- JUST ANSWER.
- YES, MA, I THINK YOU'RE CUTE.
WOULD YOU SAY CUTE
VERGING ON ADORABLE?
SOPHIA, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
JUST PICTURE MY FACE ON THIS
JAR FILLED WITH MY TOMATO SAUCE.
WE COULD PUT PAUL
NEWMAN OUT OF BUSINESS.
MA, IF YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE
OF A SPAGHETTI SAUCE
WITH YOUR PICTURE ON IT
OR PAUL NEWMAN'S PICTURE ON
IT, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
BACK TO SQUARE ONE.