The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 18 - Golden Moments: Part 1 - full transcript

Sophia decides to move out of the house and live with her son Phil.

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE



♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

- HI, ROSE.
- HI.

- WHAT YOU HIDING?
- NOTHING.

WHAT SMELLS SO AWFUL?

IT'S A NEW FRAGRANCE
I'M WEARING.

I'M SURE THAT I DON'T
HAVE TO ASK THIS,

BUT YOU ARE AWARE THAT
TOILET WATER COMES IN A BOTTLE?



HERE. OH, CAT FOOD.

OH, ROSE, HAVE YOU BEEN
FEEDING THOSE STRAYS AGAIN?

I CAN'T HELP IT, DOROTHY. I HEARD
THEM HOWLING AND MOANING ALL NIGHT.

HOW DO YOU IGNORE
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I'M GETTING USED TO IT. MY
ROOM'S NEXT TO BLANCHE'S.

BOY, SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD
IN HERE. WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?

- IT'S CAT FOOD, SOPHIA.
- IS THAT SEAFOOD MEDLEY?

- YES, IT IS.
- THEY USED TO FEED THAT TO US.

THEY DID NOT MAKE YOU
EAT CAT FOOD AT SHADY PINES.

I DIDN'T SAY THEY
MADE US EAT IT.

YOU HAD THE OPTION TO GO HUNGRY.

BY THE WAY, I'M
MOVING OUT TOMORROW.

MA, COME BACK HERE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE MOVING OUT?

YOUR BROTHER PHIL CALLED
AGAIN. BIG SALLY LEFT HIM FOR GOOD.

SHE PACKED THE FOUR KIDS AND
MOVED TO ANOTHER TRAILER COURT.

I THOUGHT THEY HAD SIX KIDS.

SHE HAD TO LEAVE TWO BEHIND.

I THINK IF THEY CROSS STATE
LINES, IT'S A PAROLE VIOLATION.

SOPHIA, YOU MEAN
YOU'RE MOVING FOR GOOD?

NOT FOR GOOD. I'M JUST
GONNA HELP HIM RAISE THE KIDS.

I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS THEY
GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

LET'S SEE. THEY'RE 14 NOW.
THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT...

TEN, TWELVE YEARS.

YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OFF TO HELP
PHIL EVERY TIME HE HAS A PROBLEM.

I CAME HERE WHEN
YOU HAD A PROBLEM.

I DID NOT HAVE A PROBLEM.

YOU CAME TO LIVE HERE
BECAUSE THE HOME BURNED DOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT, SOPHIA.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

- HI THERE.
- MA!

MA, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

EVERYONE IS FINE. NO ONE
DIED. THE HOME BURNT DOWN.

MY GOD. HOW'D YOU GET HERE?

- I HITCHED.
- MA!

A CAB. I TOOK A CAB.

WELL, YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED.

I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE
OF MANAGING BY MYSELF.

I DON'T NEED HELP. I'M A
TOTALLY INDEPENDENT PERSON.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.
- I NEED $67 FOR THE CAB.

$67?

MA, THIS IS CRAZY. THE HOME
IS 15 MINUTES FROM HERE.

MY CAB DRIVER IS CUBAN. HE SAID THERE WAS
AN ADDITIONAL TAX FOR A BILINGUAL DRIVER.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

SIT DOWN, SOPHIA. YOU
MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

WHY? I RODE IN THE
CAB. I DIDN'T PUSH IT.

OH, SOPHIA, HONEY,
HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

WHO ARE YOU?

- IT'S ME, BLANCHE.
- YOU LOOK LIKE A PROSTITUTE.

SOPHIA, THE THINGS YOU SAY.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT, BLANCHE.

OF COURSE I MEAN IT. LOOK AT HER.
MY CAB DRIVER WOULD FALL IN LOVE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

HARRY! HI.

MY PRETTY!

EVERYBODY, THIS IS HARRY.

- HARRY, THIS IS ROSE.
- ROSE.

- AND DOROTHY.
- DOROTHY.

AND THIS IS SOPHIA.

WELL, YOU MUST BE
BLANCHE'S SISTER.

AND YOU MUST BE BLIND.

SOPHIA'S HOME JUST BURNT DOWN.

- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- NOT TO ME.

IT WAS A RETIREMENT HOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

THEY SET OFF THE FIRE
ALARM IN A RETIREMENT HOME.

WHO CAN RUSH? HALF
THE PEOPLE HAVE WALKERS.

THE OTHER HALF CAN'T
GET OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS.

BUT THEY GOT BELLS
GOING OFF LIKE CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO HEARTS
THAT ONLY BEAT A FEW TIMES A WEEK?

IT'S NOT PRETTY.

WE BETTER GO. WE
HAVE RESERVATIONS.

I HOPE HE'S TAKING
YOU TO A COLD CLIMATE.

GOOD NIGHT. THANKS,
LADIES. IT WAS A PLEASURE.

[DOROTHY] NICE MEETING
YOU, HARRY. HAVE FUN.

THE MAN IS A SCUZZBALL.

THE FOUR OF US HAVE LIVED
TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

HOW CAN YOU JUST WALK IN AND
ANNOUNCE THAT YOU'RE LEAVING?

WARDEN, I COULD
MAKE A BREAK FOR IT,

BUT YOU'D SHOOT ME
GOING OVER THE WALL.

SOPHIA, COULDN'T
YOU JUST VISIT PHIL?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
MOVE IN PERMANENTLY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE
COMFORTABLE THERE.

THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER.

YOU WON'T HAVE PRIVACY. I BET
YOU DON'T GET YOUR OWN BEDROOM.

WE HAVE OUR OWN ROOMS HERE,
AND I STILL DON'T GET ANY PRIVACY.

ONE OF US ALWAYS
ENDS UP SHARING A BED.

EVERY TIME SOMEONE
VISITS, I'M IN YOUR ROOM,

YOU'RE IN MY ROOM, SHE'S IN
HER ROOM, SHE'S IN YOUR ROOM.

LOOK AT ME.

- WHAT?
- YOU'RE GETTING A COLD.

- NO, I'M NOT.
- YES, YOU ARE.

TOMORROW YOU'LL HAVE A COLD.

WHAT IS THIS, THE CURSE
OF THE CAT WOMAN?

I'M A MOTHER. I
KNOW THESE THINGS.

- GOOD NIGHT, MA.
- GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

[SNIFFS]

I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING?

A LITTLE BENGAY ON MY KNEES.

A LITTLE VICKS ON MY CHEST.

A LITTLE DEEP HEAT ON MY NECK.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, PICKLE
YOURSELF SO YOU'LL LIVE TO BE 100?

FINE. I'LL WIPE IT OFF. TOMORROW
I'LL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

- GOOD NIGHT, MA.
- GOOD NIGHT.

KEEP IT UP, I'LL
NEED A DRAMAMINE.

- MA.
- IS IT MORNING ALREADY?

NO, NO. I JUST WANTED
TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT?

HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF YOU WERE
TOLD THAT ONE OF YOUR KIDS WAS GAY?

YOUR BROTHER PHIL
IS GAY? I KNEW IT.

WHEN HE WAS A KID, WE COULDN'T KEEP
HIM AWAY FROM THOSE GLADIATOR MOVIES.

MA, PHIL IS NOT GAY.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GAY?

YOUR FRIEND JEAN IS HAVING
SOME SORT OF MEMBERSHIP DRIVE?

- MA.
- DOROTHY, I KNOW YOU
DON'T GET MANY DATES,

BUT STICK WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.

AT YOUR AGE, IT'S VERY HARD
TO BREAK INTO SOMETHING NEW.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- MA, I AM NOT GAY.

I JUST WANTED TO
GET YOUR REACTION.

I'LL TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, DOROTHY.

IF ONE OF MY KIDS WAS GAY,

I WOULDN'T LOVE
HIM ONE BIT LESS.

I WOULD WISH HIM ALL THE
HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE THE
GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD,

AND I LOVE YOU.

FINE.

NOW KEEP YOUR FAT MOUTH
SHUT SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP.

JEAN THINKS SHE'S
IN LOVE WITH ROSE.

HEH.

[LAUGHING]

MA, COME ON, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

THE HELL IT'S NOT.

JEAN IN LOVE WITH LITTLE
MISS MUFFET? COME ON!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

- NOTHING.
- NOTHING.

OH, COME ON NOW. I HEARD
YOU LAUGHING. WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

- FOR STARTERS,
JEAN IS A LESBIAN.
- MA.

- WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?
- YOU AREN'T SURPRISED?

OF COURSE NOT.

I'VE NEVER KNOWN ANY PERSONALLY,

BUT ISN'T DANNY THOMAS ONE?

NOT LEBANESE, BLANCHE.

LESBIAN.

LESBIAN. LESBIAN.

LESBIAN?

BUT ISN'T THAT WHERE
ONE WOMAN AND ANOTHER...

WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

JEAN'S A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
SHE COULD HAVE ANY MAN SHE WANTS.

SHE DOESN'T WANT THEM.

WELL, WHY NOT?

A MAN HAS SO MUCH MORE TO
OFFER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, I FOUND THAT OUT

WHEN MARK PERPER WAS RUNNING FOR
CLASS PRESIDENT IN THE THIRD GRADE.

WHAT'S THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WAS, "VOTE
FOR ME AND I'LL SHOW YOU MY WEE-WEE."

HE WON BY A LANDSLIDE.

WELL, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT
JEAN DOESN'T SEE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX,

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT MAKES
HER HAPPY, THAT'S FINE BY ME.

[DOROTHY] THERE'S
ONE OTHER THING.

JEAN THINKS SHE'S
IN LOVE WITH ROSE.

ROSE?

JEAN HAS THE HOTS FOR ROSE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

- I WAS PRETTY SURPRISED MYSELF.
- WELL, I'LL BET.

TO THINK JEAN WOULD
PREFER ROSE OVER ME.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

- BLANCHE, PLEASE!
- NOW, YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH.

IF YOU HAD TO PICK BETWEEN ME
AND ROSE, WHO WOULD YOU PICK?

BLANCHE, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!

OH. I'M SORRY.

- DOES ROSE KNOW?
- NO.

GOOD. I DON'T THINK
YOU OUGHT TO TELL HER.

AFTER ALL, SHE'S NOT AS
WORLDLY AND SOPHISTICATED

ABOUT THESE THINGS AS I AM.

ABSOLUTELY. IF SHE FINDS OUT DANNY
THOMAS IS A LESBIAN, IT'LL BREAK HER HEART.

SALVADORE, IF YOU WANNA FOOL
AROUND, TAKE OFF YOUR T-SHIRT.

YOU'RE GONNA GET
LINGUINI ALL OVER ME.

MA, GO BACK TO SLEEP.
IT'S JUST ME, DOROTHY.

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BED.

MA, HAVE A HEART.

THE HEAT WENT OUT AGAIN.
I'M FREEZING TO DEATH.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO
HAS AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.

I'LL DIE UNDER HERE WITH YOU.
YOUR BODY'S LIKE A HEAT SPONGE.

YOU'LL SUCK UP ALL THE HEAT, AND I'LL
GET UP IN THE MORNING A FROZEN FISH STICK.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
JUST TURN UP THE HEAT.

IT'S ALREADY ON 9. ON 10,
YOU CAN COOK A LEAN CUISINE.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GIRLS, GIRLS, COULD I PLEASE
SHARE YOUR ELECTRIC BLANKET?

- NO!
- NO!

COME ON! I CAN'T SLEEP! MY
BED'S NEVER BEEN SO COLD.

ESPECIALLY ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

OH, ALL RIGHT. GET IN.

BRRR! OHH!

LISTEN. DID YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?

YEAH. AS LONG AS I'M IN MY
OWN BED, I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

I MEAN, IT SOUNDED LIKE
THE HEAT KICKING ON.

THANK GOD. GET BACK
TO YOUR OWN BEDS.

- HI, EVERYBODY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TINKERING WITH THE HEATER,
TRYING TO GET IT TO WORK.

ROSE, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

BOY, THAT'S A SENTENCE
YOU DON'T HEAR EVERY DAY.

SHE'S WORKING GREAT NOW,
EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE THING.

I TURNED THE AIR CONDITIONER
ON INSTEAD OF THE HEATER,

AND NOW IT WON'T GO OFF.

GREAT! NOW IT'S GONNA BE
COLDER INSIDE THAN IT IS OUTSIDE.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S AN ICICLE FORMING ON
THE NOSE OF MY BUNNY SLIPPERS.

- MOVE OVER.
- OH!

[GRUNTING]

OW! OHH!

THERE. THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

GET YOUR BUNNY
NOSE OUT OF MY BUTT.

LET'S JUST GET SOME SLEEP.

GOOD NIGHT, MA.

GOOD NIGHT, MOE.
GOOD NIGHT, LARRY.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SLEEP.

I'M ON THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE BED.

I USUALLY SLEEP
ON THE RIGHT SIDE,

AND I WANNA BE
ON THE RIGHT SIDE.

WHAT IS EVERYONE
SO PARTICULAR ABOUT?

IN SICILY, FOUR IN
A BED IS A TREAT.

IT MEANS HALF YOUR
FAMILY IS ON VACATION.

I SLEPT WITH MY TWO
BROTHERS UNTIL I WAS 17.

I WAS ENGAGED TO ONE FOR
A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.

BUT THAT'S A SEPARATE STORY.

- I WOULDN'T MIND HEARING IT.
- ROSE, SHUT UP.

EVERYBODY, STAY WHERE
YOU ARE AND GO TO SLEEP.

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK
EARLY IN THE MORNING.

OH, DARN. I FORGOT SOMETHING.

GO IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

NO, IT'S NOT THAT. I
FORGOT TO SAY MY PRAYERS.

OH, ROSE, GOD WOULDN'T
MIND IF YOU SKIPPED A NIGHT.

HE'S VERY BUSY THESE DAYS.

MOST OF HIS FREE TIME IS SPENT
TALKING TO PAT ROBERTSON.

HELLO, GOD. IT'S
ME, ROSE NYLUND.

I'M SORRY TO BE GETTING
IN TOUCH SO LATE TONIGHT.

I HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU.

OH, GOD.

ONE AT A TIME, BLANCHE.

ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

I THINK YOU'RE STILL
DOING A TERRIFIC JOB.

OF COURSE, THERE'S SOME
THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND,

LIKE POVERTY...

AND THE SPOKESMODEL
CATEGORY ON STAR SEARCH.

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU WORK YOUR
WONDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

A COUPLE OF YEARS
AGO ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS,

I WOULD'VE FROZEN TO
DEATH 'CAUSE I WAS BY MYSELF.

NOW I HAVE DOROTHY AND BLANCHE
AND SOPHIA TO KEEP ME WARM.

NOT JUST ON A COLD WINTER'S
NIGHT, BUT ALL YEAR LONG.

TAKE CARE OF THEM, GOD. IF
ANYTHING HAPPENED, I'D JUST...

[DOROTHY] ROSE, THANKS
FOR THE LOVELY PRAYER.

NOW SHUT UP AND GET INTO BED.

AMEN!

- NICE WORK, DOROTHY.
- WASN'T ME.

SWEET JESUS, AM I IN TROUBLE.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP...

LISTEN, GIRLS, I
LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY,

BUT I HAVE TO GO WHERE I'M
NEEDED, AND PHIL NEEDS ME.

YOU SAID PHIL AND HIS
WIFE WERE GETTING ALONG.

THEY WERE NEVER
RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

SHE NEVER APPRECIATED
HIM, NEVER ENCOURAGED HIM.

WITH THE RIGHT WOMAN BEHIND HIM,

HE COULD'VE HAD A REAL
DIAMOND IN HIS FRONT TOOTH.

MA, YOU ALWAYS STICK UP FOR HIM.

THE FACT IS, HE HAS ALWAYS MADE THE
WRONG CHOICES WHEN IT CAME TO WOMEN.

OH, AND YOU'VE ALWAYS MADE THE RIGHT
CHOICES WHEN IT CAME TO RELATIONSHIPS?

NEED I REMIND THE THREE OF YOU

OF THE YUTZ PARADE THAT'S
BEEN THROUGH THIS HOUSE?

SOPHIA, BE FAIR.

AT OUR AGE, IT'S NOT EASY
TO FIND THE PERFECT MAN.

MAYBE WE HAVE ALL DATED
OUR SHARE OF LOSERS,

BUT I PERSONALLY HAVE HAD
MY SHARE OF WINNERS, TOO.

PLEASE. YOU'VE RIDDEN MORE
WINNERS THAN WILLIE SHOEMAKER.

ALL I MEANT WAS THERE HAS BEEN
A VARIETY OF MEN IN OUR LIVES.

THANKS AGAIN FOR
THE RIDE HOME, DIRK.

I'LL SEE YOU AT TUESDAY'S
JAZZERCISE CLASS.

I'LL SEE YOU THEN, UNLESS
I SEE YOU BEFORE THEN.

IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND,
MAYBE WE COULD GO OUT.

WHY, DIRK, DID I JUST HEAR
YOU ASK ME FOR A DATE?

ARE YOU DEAF? I
HEARD HIM FROM HERE.

SO, BLANCHE, YOU THINK MAYBE WE
COULD HAVE DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT?

WHY DON'T I JUST CHECK MY
DATEBOOK AND LET YOU KNOW.

SURE. I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY. BYE.

BYE.

WELL, ISN'T THIS AN
INTERESTING TURN OF EVENTS?

GOSH, I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

HE IS A LITTLE BIT
YOUNGER THAN I AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I CAN HANDLE THIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH DIRK.

I'M GOING OUT WITH HIM.

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT?

MOMENTARILY.

THIS IS STRICTLY OFF
THE RECORD, BUT...

DIRK'S NEARLY FIVE
YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM.

IN WHAT, BLANCHE, DOG YEARS?

I'M BLANCHE. I'M DOROTHY'S
ROOMMATE. WOULD YOU GET THE DOOR?

DOROTHY'S TOLD ME A
GREAT DEAL ABOUT YOU.

SHE SEEMS TO HAVE LEFT OUT
ONE ITTY-BITTY DETAIL ABOUT YOU.

- THAT I'M A PRIEST.
- UH-HUH.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

WHAT'D SHE THINK, YOU
WERE JUST A BORING DRESSER?

SHE'S JUST NEVER SEEN
ME IN CLERIC'S CLOTHING.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PRIESTS
COULD TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

WE DO A LOT OF
THINGS REAL PEOPLE DO.

EXCEPT FOR ONE
VERY IMPORTANT THING.

BOY, IS THAT GONNA PUT A
HITCH IN DOROTHY'S PLAN.

HELLO. I'M ROSE NYLUND.
YOU MUST BE FRANK.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO
FINALLY MEET YOU.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

DOROTHY'S DONE NOTHING
BUT TALK ABOUT YOU.

ROSE...

EVERY TIME SHE MENTIONS YOUR
NAME, SHE PRACTICALLY GLOWS.

- SHE'S VERY SMITTEN WITH YOU.
- ROSE!

- HE'S A PRIEST, ISN'T HE?
- YES, ROSE.

I'M SO SORRY HELL
TOWN WAS CANCELED.

FRANK, FRANK, I'M SORRY. I...

PLEASE TELL ME
THAT'S A NEHRU JACKET.

NO, IT'S NOT.

ROSE, LET'S GO HEAT
UP THE LASAGNA.

COME ON. COME ON.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME IT WAS FATHER LEAHY?

I ASSUMED YOU KNEW.

NO, I DIDN'T.

AND, FRANKLY, I'M... I'M
A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

WELL, ME, TOO.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT
MAKE? WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.

OF COURSE WE CAN.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, SO AM I.

YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT.

I LOOK LIKE THE MOTHER
OF A SOLID GOLD DANCER.

GIRLS, I WANNA GIVE
Y'ALL MY GIFT NEXT, OKAY?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
SUCH A CUTE IDEA,

I MADE THE SAME ONE FOR
EACH OF YOU. HERE. SOPHIA.

"THE MEN OF BLANCHE'S BOUDOIR."

IT'S A CALENDAR.

EACH MONTH HAS
THE PICTURE OF A MAN

WHO'S BROUGHT SOME
SPECIAL JOY INTO MY LIFE.

OH, BLANCHE. OH, HONEY,
THIS IS SO THOUGHTFUL.

WHOA!

SEPTEMBER?

YEP.

I'M SURPRISED YOU WERE
ABLE TO WALK IN OCTOBER.

SO, UH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OUT WITH A FRIEND, FROM WORK.

THE FRIEND YOU'VE BEEN OUT
WITH FIVE TIMES IN THREE WEEKS?

- YES.
- ALL RIGHT, SPILL IT. WHO IS HE?

HIS NAME IS DR. JONATHAN NEWMAN.

HE'S A PSYCHIATRIST
AT THE GRIEF CENTER.

SO, ROSE, YOU'RE
SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

HELLO. I'M DR. JONATHAN NEWMAN.

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?

YES. MAY I COME IN?

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE.
PLEASE COME RIGHT IN.

MAY I TAKE YOUR HEIGHT... HAT?

THANK YOU.

YOU MUST BE DOROTHY. ROSE
HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.

OH, BLANCHE, BLANCHE,
THIS IS DR. JONATHAN NEWMAN.

GET OUT OF HERE.

BLANCHE... BUT HE'S A...

A LITTLE EARLY, YES, BUT
WE'RE DELIGHTED TO SEE HIM.

HI, JONATHAN.

HELLO, ROSE. YOU'RE
LOOKING LOVELY THIS EVENING.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

ROSE NYLUND, YOU DEVIL, YOU.

I JUST FIGURED OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

BLANCHE.

YOU'RE SORE AT ME FOR INVITING
YOUR FRIEND WITHOUT ASKING YOU,

SO YOU HAD THIS GUY TO COME
OVER AND TEACH ME A LESSON.

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

GOD, I WISH I WAS DEAD.

BLANCHE, LET'S GO
GET THE HORS D'OEUVRE.

EXCUSE US.

OH, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO
EMBARRASSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

- I MADE A FOOL OF
MYSELF, DIDN'T I?
- YES!

WELL, I FEEL AWFUL. JUST AWFUL.

LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TONIGHT
TO TURN INTO A TOTAL DISASTER,

YOU HAVE TO STOP
BEING SO SELF-CONSCIOUS.

OH, WELL, YOU'RE
RIGHT. OF COURSE.

DR. NEWMAN IS A
GUEST IN OUR HOME.

IF I'M SELF-CONSCIOUS,
HE'LL BE ILL AT EASE.

I CAN'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.

IT WOULD BE... UN-SOUTHERN.

THAT'S A GOOD BELLE.

DOROTHY, GET THE DOOR.

SHRIMP?

SOPHIA, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE
CAN DO TO CONVINCE YOU TO STAY?

I WISH YOU COULD,
BUT MY MIND'S MADE UP.

MY BABY NEEDS ME.

WHAT ABOUT ME, MA?

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO TAKE
CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU DON'T NEED ME.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU WERE STRONG AND
INDEPENDENT EVEN BEFORE I GOT HERE.

- YOU DON'T NEED ME.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU? YOU NEED THE WIZARD OF OZ.

I'M GONNA PACK.

SOPHIA, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN DO TO MAKE YOU STAY?

NOTHING. MY MIND'S MADE
UP. I'M LEAVING IN THE MORNING.

OH!

OH, YOU COULDN'T
SLEEP EITHER, HUH?

NO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
MA'S REALLY GONNA GO.

SPENT TWO HOURS TRYING
TO TALK HER OUT OF IT,

AND SHE STILL
INSISTS SHE'S LEAVING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

LET ME GET THE
CHEESECAKE, AND WE'LL TALK.

- [GASPS] OH, MY GOD.
- BLANCHE, WHAT'S WRONG?

HERE WE ARE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A CRISIS,

AND THERE'S NO CHEESECAKE.

DIDN'T WE BUY ONE YESTERDAY?

YES, BUT I FOUND TWO GRAY HAIRS.

BLANCHE, YOU'RE OVER 50.

FINDING TWO GRAY HAIRS IS NO
REASON TO EAT A WHOLE CHEESECAKE.

I FOUND THE TWO GRAY
HAIRS IN THE CHEESECAKE,

SO I THREW IT OUT.

HI, GIRLS.

I FIGURED THIS MIGHT HAPPEN,
SO I BOUGHT A CHEESECAKE.

OH, ROSE, THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT'S REALLY GREAT IS THEY
FIRED THAT GRAY-HAIRED BAKER

WHO REFUSED TO WEAR A NET.

WELL, LET'S SLICE THIS BABY UP

AND SEE IF WE CAN SOLVE
OUR SOPHIA PROBLEM.

HERE, DARLING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PROBLEMS
WE HAVE SOLVED OVER A CHEESECAKE

AT THIS KITCHEN TABLE?

NO. EXACTLY HOW MANY?

147, ROSE!

THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO
MAKE IS THAT WE HAVE HAD

A LOT OF GREAT LATE-NIGHT
TALKS RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, AND MOST OF THEM
HAVE BEEN ABOUT SEX.

OH! WELL, OF COURSE,
WE DO TALK ABOUT SEX,

BUT WE TALK ABOUT
OTHER THINGS, TOO.

WE CONSOLE EACH OTHER,
WE HELP EACH OTHER,

WE ADVISE EACH OTHER,

AND THEN WE TALK
ABOUT SEX AGAIN.

I AM SO GLAD THAT MY DATE
WITH BARRY IS TOMORROW.

THE FAT WON'T HAVE TIME TO SHOW.

- IT WON'T?
- NO. IT ALWAYS TAKES
A FEW DAYS BEFORE IT SHOWS.

WHERE DOES IT GO
IN THE MEANTIME?

TO CONNECTICUT! HOW
DO I KNOW WHERE IT GOES?

WITH ME, THE MINUTE IT GOES
IN MY MOUTH, I BALLOON UP.

I GO OUT TO DINNER, AND
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MEAL,

MY PANTS ARE CUTTING OFF MY CIRCULATION
SO BAD MY FEET ARE TURNING BLUE.

WELL, I JUST WANNA
BE SVELTE FOR BARRY.

BARRY GLICK IS VERY
IMPORTANT TO YOU.

[SIGHS]

BARRY WAS THE MAN THAT
I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST.

- FIRST WHERE?
- ON MARS, ROSE!

- MY FIRST LOVER.
- SO WHAT HAPPENED?

STANLEY. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

STANLEY. I WENT TO A
DRIVE-IN WITH STANLEY.

HE SAID HE WAS BEING
SHIPPED OFF TO KOREA

AND WOULD PROBABLY DIE,
AND IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH.

THAT WAS MY PART
OF THE WAR EFFORT.

IT TOOK THREE SECONDS.

I WASN'T SURE THAT WE HAD
DONE ANYTHING, ACTUALLY,

UNTIL NINE MONTHS LATER
WHEN THE BABY CAME.

THEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WE HAD.

YOU KNOW, THAT
WAS MY ONLY PROOF.

I WAITED TILL MY WEDDING NIGHT.

NO!

YES!

AND?

AND... IT WAS A SURPRISE.

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
ANOTHER MAN SHOWED UP?

WHAT I MEAN IS,

I HAD NEVER...
SEEN A MAN BEFORE.

A MAN?

YOU KNOW.

A MAN.

NO.

YES!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER?

YOU MEAN, YOU NEVER...
SAW YOUR FATHER?

MY FATHER?

OH, NO! MY FATHER?

OH, MY GOODNESS, NO!
I WOULD'VE SIMPLY DIED!

- OH, MY GOD! MY FATHER?
- EASY, EASY! EASY, ROSE!

- OH, MY GOD!
- EASY!

THE ONLY THINGS I EVER SAW
WERE THE ANIMALS ON THE FARM.

YOU KNOW, THE BULLS
AND THE HORSES.

TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

ACTUALLY, THAT FIRST NIGHT,

I WAS KIND OF, WELL,
APPALLED, I GUESS.

CHARLIE WAS VERY PATIENT.

IT WAS REALLY VERY NICE...

ONCE I UNDERSTOOD THAT THAT'S
WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO

AND IT WASN'T SOME
COLOSSAL JOKE.

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS A
RIDICULOUS THING TO DO THE FIRST TIME?

NO.

WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T
WAIT FOR MY WEDDING NIGHT.

HONEY, I COULDN'T.
I HAD THESE URGES.

YOU KNOW, IN THE SOUTH,
WE MATURE FASTER.

I THINK IT'S THE HEAT.

I THINK IT'S THE GIN.

ANYHOW, MY FIRST WAS BILLY.

OH, I REMEMBER IT SO WELL,
JUST LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

THAT NIGHT UNDER
THE DOGWOOD TREES,

THE AIR THICK WITH PERFUME...

AND ME WITH BILLY.

OR BOBBY.

YEAH. BOBBY. YEAH, IT WAS BOBBY.

OR WAS IT BEN?

OH, WHO KNOWS?

ANYWAY, IT STARTED WITH A "B."

THAT FIRST TIME, DID YOU HAVE...

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WHY, MANY TIMES THAT
FIRST TIME. MANY, MANY TIMES.

- YOU DID?
- YOU DIDN'T?

NO!

OH, IT WAS NICE. BEING
NEAR CHARLIE WAS NICE.

BUT IT WAS FIVE YEARS

BEFORE I KNEW WHAT MADE
YOUR EYES GO BACK IN YOUR HEAD.

DOROTHY, DID YOU
HAVE... HOW COULD I?

IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAPPEN
BEFORE I WAS IN THE ROOM.

BLANCHE, YOU'RE OUT OF
BED. THIS IS WONDERFUL.

NO, IT IS NOT WONDERFUL.
I WAS LYING IN BED EATING.

IF I DON'T GET UP AND WALK,
I'M GONNA BECOME A HIPPO.

AND LIFE, IF I CAN STILL CALL IT
THAT, HAS TO GO ON, SO HERE I AM.

I'LL JUST SPEND MY REMAINING
YEARS IN THE COMPANY OF WOMEN.

ONLY REASON I'M STICKING AROUND IS
TO READ DANIELLE STEEL'S NEXT BOOK.

THIS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE?

GOD, I HATE THAT EXPRESSION.

WHAT IS THE BIG
DEAL? IT'S NOTHING.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. YOU DON'T
GET CRAMPS ONCE A MONTH.

YOU DON'T GO ON EATING BINGES.

YOU DON'T GET
CRAZY ONCE A MONTH.

YOU JUST GROW A BEARD.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER, BLANCHE.

YOU GROW A BEARD.

I WOKE UP ONE MORNING,
I LOOKED LIKE ARAFAT.

OH, MY GOD!

- I NEVER GREW A BEARD.
- YOU NEVER GREW BRAINS EITHER.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, MENOPAUSE
WAS WONDERFUL FOR ME.

IT MEANT NO MORE PMS.

I NEVER HAD PMS.

NEITHER DID I. BUT I HAD A BMW.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE HAD IT.

THANKS TO ALL THIS CONSTANT
BICKERING, I HAVE A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

OH, GIRLS, LET'S FACE FACTS.

THE THREE OF US JUST
CAN'T AGREE ON ANYTHING.

IT IS OBVIOUS WE WERE NOT
MEANT TO LIVE TOGETHER.

I HATE TO AGREE WITH YOU,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I THINK SO, TOO.
IN FACT, I KNOW SO.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
DURING THE GREAT HERRING WAR.

THE GREAT HERRING WAR?

YES, BETWEEN THE LINDSTROMS
AND THE JOHANSSONS.

OH, THAT GREAT HERRING WAR.

THE TWO FAMILIES CONTROLLED
THE MOST FERTILE HERRING WATERS

OFF THE COAST OF NORWAY,

SO NATURALLY IT SEEMED LIKE IT
WOULD BE IN THEIR BEST INTERESTS

TO BAND TOGETHER.

OH, BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE.

THEY COULDN'T AGREE ON
WHAT TO DO WITH THE HERRING.

WELL, THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

I MEAN, THE POSSIBILITIES
ARE OVERWHELMING.

EXACTLY. THE JOHANSSONS
WANTED TO PICKLE THE HERRING,

AND THE LINDSTROMS WANTED
TO TRAIN THEM FOR THE CIRCUS.

WEREN'T THEY KIND OF HARD TO
SEE RIDING ON THE ELEPHANTS?

OH, NOT THAT KIND OF
CIRCUS. A HERRING CIRCUS.

SORT OF LIKE SEA
WORLD, ONLY SMALLER.

MUCH, MUCH SMALLER.

BUT BIGGER THAN A FLEA CIRCUS.

UH, TELL ME,
ROSE. UH... [LAUGHS]

DID THEY EVER SHOOT A
HERRING OUT OF A CANNON?

ONLY ONCE.

BUT THEY SHOT HIM INTO A TREE.

AFTER THAT, NO OTHER
HERRING WOULD DO IT.

YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

I AM NOT. MY GRANDFATHER
TOLD ME THAT STORY.

OF COURSE HE ALSO USED TO
CALL ME BY MY SISTER'S NAME.

AND SOMETIMES HE'D WEAR HIS
UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE OF HIS PANTS.

I GUESS HE WASN'T A
VERY RELIABLE SOURCE.

OHH!

[LAUGHING]

OH, GIRLS, GIRLS, DO YOU
REALIZE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

I'VE BEEN HAVING A GOOD TIME, AND
THERE WASN'T EVEN A MAN IN THE ROOM.

WAS IT A FLUKE, OR COULD
WE LEARN TO LIKE EACH OTHER?

WELL, I THINK IT
MIGHT TAKE TIME, BUT...

BUT I THINK IT
COULD BE WORTH IT.

- LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
- GREAT!

- I'M GAME.
- OKAY.

[LAUGHING]

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S THAT?

I'M SORRY. I KNOW IT'S AWFUL, BUT I
HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE SWEET TOOTH.

- WHAT IS IT?
- CHEESECAKE.

- WHAT KIND?
- CHOCOLATE.

I THINK THIS COULD
BE THE BEGINNING

OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

THIS IS UNHEARD OF. WE'RE
HALFWAY THROUGH THE CHEESECAKE,

AND WE HAVEN'T
SOLVED OUR PROBLEM.

MAYBE WE CAN'T SOLVE IT.

MAYBE MA'S DOING THE
RIGHT THING BY LEAVING.

YOUR BROTHER IS SUCH A YUTZ. I
JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH HIM.

HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME WHAT
I'M MAKING FOR DINNER TOMORROW.

WHAT'D YOU TELL HIM?

HE SHOULD HAVE
DINNER WAITING FOR ME,

NOT THAT I'M SUCH A BIG
FAN OF SQUIRREL GUMBO.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO
LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE?

YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN THERE
YET, AND YOU'RE FIGHTING WITH HIM.

WHAT, THIS IS LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE?

YOU'RE AT EACH OTHER'S
THROATS ALL THE TIME.

THERE ARE MORE FIGHTS
HERE THAN AT CAESAR'S PALACE.

DOROTHY.

WHERE'S MY HEATING PAD?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

IF THIS ISN'T IT, I'D LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT OTHER ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE

YOU'RE USING UNDER THAT BLANKET.

HERE WE ARE, SOPHIA. THE
PERFECT AFTER-DINNER TREAT.

A NICE DISH OF JELL-O.

I HATE JELL-O.

IF GOD WANTED PEACHES
SUSPENDED IN MIDAIR,

HE WOULD'VE FILLED
'EM WITH HELIUM.

WHAT?

BEAT IT, ROSE. I'M BUSY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IT'S TUESDAY NIGHT.

I'M CLEANING OUT MY PURSE.

DID ALL THAT STUFF
COME OUT OF YOUR PURSE?

NO. I WAS ALSO
CLEANING OUT MY EARS.

THAT'S WHERE THE FEEN-A-MINT
AND THE RAIN BONNET CAME FROM.

SOPHIA, WHY ARE YOU
IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?

FORGIVE ME, BUT I HAVEN'T
HAD SEX IN 15 YEARS,

AND IT'S STARTING
TO GET ON MY NERVES.

HI, ROSE. DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO PLAY
AROUND WITH THOSE LYRICS I GAVE YOU?

YEAH. LISTEN TO THIS.

♪ [UPBEAT]

HEY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

FROM THE TOP. OOH,
THAT SOUNDS SO MUSICAL.

TICKLE THE IVORIES, ROSE.

KOOTCHY KOOTCHY KOOTCHY KOO!

ROSE, PLAY OR DIE!

♪ MIAMI IS NICE ♪
SO I'LL SAY IT TWICE

♪ MIAMI IS NICE ♪ MIAMI IS NICE

♪ MIAMI IS... WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU PUT IN AN
EXTRA "MIAMI IS NICE."

IT HURTS THE MUSIC
IF YOU DON'T PUT IT IN.

YEAH, BUT THE LYRICS
DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

IT GOES: ♪ MIAMI IS NICE

♪ SO I'LL SAY IT TWICE

OH! I SEE YOUR POINT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

"MIAMI IS NICE, SO
I'LL SAY IT THRICE."

RIGHT. WHO IN THE
HELL SAYS "THRICE"?

- IT'S A WORD.
- SO IS "INTRAUTERINE."

IT DOES NOT BELONG IN A SONG.

♪ [PLAYS]

♪ MIAMI, YOU'RE CUTER THAN

♪ AN INTRAUTERINE ♪

DO WE HAVE ANY
ORANGE JUICE LEFT?

NO. WE'RE ALL OUT.

SOPHIA, TO HEAR YOU TELL IT,
YOU'D THINK ALL WE DO IS FIGHT.

I DIDN'T SAY ALL WE DO IS FIGHT.

WE ALSO TALK ABOUT SEX.

WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT SEX.

I'M SHOCKED.

MA, YOU'RE GONNA MISS US.

THE FOUR OF US HAD A LOT
OF GOOD TIMES TOGETHER.

AND PLENTY OF HEADACHES, TOO.

BUT ONE THING YOU
HAVE TO ADMIT, SOPHIA,

IT'S CERTAINLY NEVER
DULL AROUND HERE.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- OKAY.

- [CRASH]
- [SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

YOU SHOT MY VASE!

I HEARD FOOTSTEPS AND A MAN'S
VOICE, AND THE ALARM WENT OFF.

IT WAS LESTER. HE
ACCIDENTALLY SET OFF THE ALARM.

- I'M SORRY.
- YOU SHOT MY VASE.

- I DIDN'T SHOOT LESTER.
- I'D RATHER YOU SHOT LESTER.

I THINK I'LL PASS ON
THE NIGHTCAP, BLANCHE.

GO ON HOME, YOU OLD FOOL.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- SHE SHOT MY VASE.

THANK GOD. I HATED THAT THING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
SHOOTING? ARE YOU CRAZY?

I HEARD A NOISE. I THOUGHT
IT WAS THE ROBBERS.

I MANAGE TO LIVE 80, 81 YEARS.

I SURVIVED PNEUMONIA,
TWO OPERATIONS, A STROKE.

ONE NIGHT I'LL BELCH, AND STABLE
MABEL HERE WILL BLOW MY HEAD OFF!

THERE'S A MAN IN YOUR BED.

OH, SOPHIA, THERE'S NOT.

WHY, YOU DEVIL, YOU.

SO THAT WAS WHAT WE HEARD. ROSE!

ROSE GOT LUCKY.

NOT SO LUCKY. THE MAN IS DEAD.

- WHAT?
- DEAD.

OH, SOPHIA!

HE'S NOT DEAD. I
WAS JUST IN THERE.

I WENT TO PUT BACK YOUR LAUNDRY.

I SEE THERE'S A MAN,
SO I INTRODUCE MYSELF,

BUT HE DOESN'T ANSWER.

- HE'S DEAD.
- HE... HE'S SHY. HE'S VERY SHY.

DIDN'T SOUND SO SHY LAST NIGHT.

OKAY, FINE. LET A
DEAD GUY LIE THERE.

IT'S GONNA BE 98 DEGREES
TODAY. IT WON'T BE PRETTY.

I'M SURE HE'S NOT
DEAD. ROSE, GO LOOK.

DOROTHY, HE'S SLEEPING.
I DON'T WANNA WAKE HIM.

YOU COULD LIGHT
FIRECRACKERS IN HIS NOSTRILS.

YOU WON'T WAKE HIM.

BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?

JUST A MOMENT.

OH, MY GOD.

MY REAR TIRES HAVE
LESS PRESSURE IN THEM.

I'M READY.

THE MOON IS HANGING AWFUL
LOW IN THE SKY TONIGHT,

ISN'T IT, BUSTY?

JOSIE.

IT SURE IS, BIFF.

IT MAKES ME WANNA
KISS YOU, JOSIE.

MIND YOUR MANNERS, BIFF.

WE'RE AT THE FOURTH
OF JULY PICNIC.

THE WHOLE TOWN IS HERE.

THE HELL WITH THIS
TOWN. COME WITH ME.

BUT YOU'RE A DRIFTER, BIFF.

I CAN'T JUST PULL UP STAKES
AND RUN OFF WITH YOU.

PLEASE RECONSIDER, JOSIE.

YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST
GIRL IN THE COUNTY.

I NEED TO HAVE YOUR ANSWER
NOW. WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, BIFF.

[POP, AIR HISSING]

OH! OH!

SEE, SOPHIA? WE HAVE
GREAT TIMES TOGETHER.

AND IT JUST WON'T BE THE
SAME WITHOUT YOU, SOPHIA.

HEY, THIS ISN'T
EASY FOR ME EITHER,

BUT I HAVE TO DO
WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

WHAT IS IT I HAVE TO DO?

- YOU'RE LEAVING.
- THEN I BETTER PACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA
MISS ABOUT SOPHIA MOST?

IT'S ALL THAT GOOD
ADVICE SHE GIVES US.

LIVING ALL THOSE YEARS,
SHE HAS A LOT TO DRAW ON.

IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DRAW ON,

SHE JUST MAKES IT UP.

SICILY, 1912.

PICTURE THIS:

TWO YOUNG GIRLS, BEST FRIENDS,

WHO SHARED THREE THINGS:

A PIZZA RECIPE, SOME
DOUGH AND A DREAM.

EVERYTHING IS GOING
GREAT UNTIL ONE DAY

A FAST-TALKING PEPPERONI
SALESMAN GALLOPS INTO TOWN.

OF COURSE BOTH
GIRLS ARE IMPRESSED.

HE DATES ONE ONE NIGHT,
THE OTHER THE NEXT NIGHT.

PRETTY SOON HE DRIVES
A WEDGE BETWEEN THEM.

BEFORE YOU KNOW
IT, THE PIZZA SUFFERS,

THE BUSINESS SUFFERS,
THE FRIENDSHIP SUFFERS.

THE GIRLS PART COMPANY
AND HEAD FOR AMERICA,

NEVER TO SEE ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.

ROSE, ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WAS ME.

THE OTHER ONE YOU PROBABLY
KNOW AS MAMA CELESTE.

MA, WHY DIDN'T YOU USE YOUR KEY?

I LEFT IT HOME. I THOUGHT
IT WOULD WEIGH ME DOWN.

SOPHIA, HOW DID YOU DO?

GREAT. EASILY A PERSONAL BEST.

- TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.
- IT WAS ELECTRIC.

THE STARTER FIRED HIS
PISTOL, AND LIKE A SHOT,

I LEFT HALF MY
COMPETITION IN THE DUST.

YOU WERE THAT FAST?

NO. IT WAS THE OVER-80 CATEGORY.
MOST OF THEM DROPPED FROM FRIGHT.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

PLEASE! THERE'S A NATURAL
BUILD TO THESE KIND OF STORIES.

- I'M SORRY.
- SO, FINALLY,
THE RACE WAS UNDERWAY.

I START OFF SLOW. I'M
CAGEY LIKE A PANTHER.

BUT WHEN THE TIME
IS RIGHT, I POUNCE!

THE CROWD IS ON ITS
FEET. "SOFIA! SOFIA!"

MY HEART IS POUNDING IN MY EARS.

BUT THEN AGAIN, IT
ALWAYS POUNDS IN MY EARS.

I COULD SEE THE FINISH LINE.

IT WAS ONLY 2, 300 YARDS AWAY.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
WHAT EVERY RUNNER DREADS.

I HIT THE WALL.

AW. MA, YOU RAN OUT OF STEAM.

NO, I ACTUALLY HIT A WALL.

IN SICILY, WE NEVER
WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

WE WENT TO THE WIDOW CARAVELLI.

WHATEVER YOU
HAD, SHE HAD A CURE.

SHE WAS BEST KNOWN FOR THIS
GREEN SALVE SHE USED TO MAKE

TO TREAT EAR INFECTIONS.

ONE DAY, SHE GAVE A BATCH TO
SALVADORE, THE VILLAGE IDIOT.

HE MISUNDERSTOOD THE DIRECTIONS

AND PUT IT ON HIS LINGUINI
INSTEAD OF IN HIS EAR.

IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT WITH
A HEARING PROBLEM,

YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT.

AS IT TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T
SUCH A BAD THING TO DO.

THE STUFF TASTED GREAT, AND
SALVADORE DECIDED TO MARKET IT.

AT FIRST, IT DIDN'T
MOVE SO WELL.

"LINGUINI WITH EAR
SALVE" ON THE MENU

DOESN'T LOOK TOO APPETIZING.

BUT ONCE HE CHANGED
THE NAME TO "PESTO SAUCE,"

IT MOVED LIKE HOTCAKES.

MA, YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

SO WHAT? I'M OLD. I'M
SUPPOSED TO BE COLORFUL.

I'M GONNA MISS HER.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

I'M NOT GONNA STAND FOR IT.

I AM GONNA MARCH IN THERE AND TELL
HER WE NEED HER AS MUCH AS PHIL DOES.

BLANCHE, FORGET IT.
HER MIND IS MADE UP.

IF SHE'S SAID IT ONCE,
SHE'S SAID IT 100 TIMES.

I'M STAYING. GOOD NIGHT.

COME BACK. WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STAYING?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? YOU
ALREADY RENTED MY ROOM?

WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH PHIL.

ACTUALLY, I GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH PHIL'S WIFE.

SHE'S BACK, POOR THING.

- "POOR THING"?
- SHE'S IN A STATE OF SHOCK.

SHE FOUND OUT SHE COULDN'T
DO ANY BETTER THAN PHIL.

NOT EXACTLY A STORYBOOK ROMANCE,

BUT AN ENDING'S AN ENDING,
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.

OH, WE'RE SO GLAD YOU
DECIDED TO STAY, HONEY.

WHEN WE THOUGHT
YOU WERE LEAVING,

WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT
ALL THE TIMES WE'VE SHARED.

IT BROUGHT BACK A
LOT OF GREAT MEMORIES.

MA, IT WOULDN'T BE
THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.

- NO!
- HEY, DON'T OVERDRAMATIZE.

THINGS AREN'T SO
TERRIFIC AROUND HERE.

THE HELL THEY'RE NOT. THINGS
ARE TERRIFIC AROUND HERE!

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