The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 17 - My Brother, My Father - full transcript
When Sophia's brother Angelo, a priest, comes to visit, she makes Dorothy and Stan pretend that they are still married.
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
HI, SOPHIA. OOH,
WHAT YOU MAKING?
LASAGNA AL FORNO.
SMELLS DELICIOUS.
YEAH. MY GREAT AUNT
NICOLINDA USED TO SAY,
"MAKING LASAGNA AL FORNO
IS LIKE CROSSING A RIVER.
"IF YOU ROLL UP YOUR
PANTS, DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOU FIND CLAMS
NIPPING AT YOUR HEELS."
- WHAT'D SHE MEAN?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
SHE WAS A HOPELESS ALCOHOLIC.
- HERE. HAVE A TASTE.
- OOH.
HI, GIRLS. HOW DID THE
AUDITION FOR THE PLAY GO?
AWFUL. WE JUST
GOT TWO TINY PARTS.
WE'RE DOING SOUND OF MUSIC,
AND BLANCHE DIDN'T GET THE LEAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
WEREN'T CAST IN THE LEAD.
YOU'VE GOTTEN IT
THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
THEY HIRED A NEW DIRECTOR,
AND HE HAS NO TASTE.
BLANCHE USED TO
SLEEP WITH THE OLD ONE.
THE NEW DIRECTOR'S GAY.
A GAY THEATER DIRECTOR. DID
YOU EVER HEAR OF SUCH A THING?
IT'S ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL
HAVE BLACK BASKETBALL PLAYERS
IN THE NBA.
MA, YOU ARE MAKING
LASAGNA AL FORNO.
WHAT IS THE OCCASION?
THERE'S NO OCCASION. I
JUST KNOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'LL GET IT.
THIS TAKES 12 HOURS TO
MAKE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NOTHING. AND IT TAKES 16.
THE ONLY TIME YOU
MAKE LASAGNA AL FORNO
IS FOR FUNERALS AND FAVORS.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING BLACK,
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NOTHING. DOROTHY, YOU'RE A SICK,
SUSPICIOUS, PARANOID PERSON.
STAN, MY FAVORITE EX-SON-IN-LAW.
OH! GOD! STANLEY, WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
DON'T TALK TO HIM
LIKE THAT. I INVITED HIM.
- WHAT?
- I LOVE YOUR TOUPEE, STANLEY.
- IS IT NEW?
- YEAH.
THE GUY AT THE SHOP CALLS
IT THE DAN RATHER MODEL.
YOU THINK IT MAKES ME
LOOK MORE INTELLECTUAL?
OH, ABSOLUTELY. BY THE WAY,
STANLEY, YOUR FLY IS OPEN.
- I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I HEAR THAT DAN RATHER
HAS THE SAME PROBLEM.
THAT'S WHY HE
SITS BEHIND A DESK.
MA, LISTEN, I WANT SOME ANSWERS.
NOW, WHY DID YOU
PREPARE MY FAVORITE MEAL
AND THEN INVITE MY
LEAST FAVORITE PERSON
TO COME EAT IT WITH US?
ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. I NEED A FAVOR.
REMEMBER MY BROTHER
ANGELO? HE WAS AT YOUR WEDDING.
HE'S A PRIEST
WHO LIVES IN SICILY.
HE'S GOING TO BROOKLYN NEXT WEEK
AND INSISTED ON STOPPING
OFF IN MIAMI ONE DAY
TO WISH YOU TWO A HAPPY
40th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
BUT WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO
THE LASAGNA AL FORNO.
I WANT YOU TO PRETEND
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED
AND THAT WE'RE ALL LIVING HERE.
I WILL NOT TAKE PART. THE
INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS SACRED.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS.
- OKAY.
DOROTHY, IT'S ONLY
FOR ONE AFTERNOON.
IT'LL BREAK YOUR UNCLE'S
HEART IF YOU'RE DIVORCED.
MA, FORGET IT.
WE'RE DIVORCED BECAUSE
STANLEY CHEATED ON ME.
HE IS A LOATHSOME,
REPULSIVE CREATURE.
EVEN THE THOUGHT OF PRETENDING
TO BE MARRIED MAKES ME ILL.
FINE, BUT I'M STILL
STAYING FOR DINNER.
IF YOU DON'T DO THIS, I'LL
NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.
- I DON'T CARE.
- I'LL INVITE STAN
TO EAT OVER EVERY NIGHT.
HOW BAD CAN IT BE?
IT'S JUST FOR THE DAY.
BLANCHE, I JUST
PRESSED OUR COSTUMES.
I'M NERVOUS ABOUT THE
DRESS REHEARSAL TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
GO OVER OUR LINES AGAIN.
SURE.
CAN WE TAKE IT FROM
THE TOP OF SCENE THREE?
I'M STANDING ON THE BALCONY
OF THE VON TRAPP HOME
LISTENING TO ARTILLERY SHELLS
BURSTING IN THE DISTANCE,
AND YOU COME RUNNING
ON FROM UPSTAGE.
- OKAY. YOU READY?
- YES.
THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
EVERYBODY, GRAB A GUN
AND GO IN THE BASEMENT!
COME ON!
MOVE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SOPHIA, NOW, JUST RELAX.
WE'RE JUST GOING OVER OUR
LINES FOR THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
OH, THANK GOD.
WHOOP, IT IS REALLY COMING DOWN.
WHAT'S COMING DOWN?
THE LIBERACE MARQUEE
AT CAESAR'S PALACE.
RAIN! RAIN, ROSE!
WHERE IS THAT IDIOT STAN?
ANGELO WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE
IS. STAN'S ALWAYS LATE.
HE WAS LATE FOR OUR FIRST DATE.
AND THEN YOU WERE LATE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHICH IS WHY YOU HAD TO
MARRY THAT STUPID, LAZY, NO-GOOD,
PINHEAD OF A... PRINCE.
THIS MAN IS A
PRINCE. COME IN, STAN.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
THE RAIN REALLY TIED
UP THE TRAFFIC. HI, GIRLS.
- HI.
- HI.
HELLO, MAMA BEAR.
PAPA BEAR'S BACK IN THE CAVE.
I COULD VOMIT JUST
LOOKING AT YOU.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT MUST BE ANGELO.
YOU TWO GO OUT THE BACK.
HE CAN'T SEE YOU
HERE. GO AHEAD. GO. GO.
ANGELO!
SOPHIA!
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED
A BIT IN 40 YEARS.
ANGELO, YOU'RE A
PRIEST. YOU SHOULDN'T LIE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BEFORE THE TRIP, I SAID
AN EXTRA 50 HAIL MARYS
IN CASE I FELT LIKE
A-CUTTING A-LOOSE.
DOROTHY!
UNCLE ANGELO, IT IS
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DOROTHY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW
THAN YOU DID ON
YOUR WEDDING DAY.
YOU JUST USED UP ALL 50
HAIL MARYS ON THAT ONE.
STANLEY, YOU'RE
STILL A FUNNY GUY.
YOU GOT A SENSE
OF HUMOR STILL, HUH?
HE STILL MAKE YOU LAUGH?
NOT REALLY. BUT THEN AGAIN, I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM NAKED LATELY.
WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THOSE
TWO. ALWAYS WITH THE QUIPS.
SO, TELL ME, HOW
ARE THE CHILDREN?
OH, UNCLE ANGELO,
THEY'RE ALL GROWN UP.
HOW NICE.
KATE IS AN INTERIOR
DECORATOR IN NEW YORK,
AND MICHAEL IS A VERY
SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN.
MICHAEL DIDN'T WANT GO IN
THE NOVELTY BUSINESS WITH ME.
YES. IT WAS A CRUSHING BLOW
WHEN HE DECIDED TO JOIN
THE BOSTON PHILHARMONIC
INSTEAD OF SELLING RUBBER
DOG POOP DOOR-TO-DOOR.
DON'T KNOCK THE NOVELTY
BUSINESS, SNOOKUMS.
RUBBER DOG POOP AND JOY
BUZZERS PROVIDED VERY NICELY
FOR YOU, THE KIDS...
AND SEVERAL STEWARDESSES.
STEWARDESSES?
UH, THEY ADOPTED THEM.
AFTER ASIAN BABIES,
THEY'RE THE MOST POPULAR.
MA, COULD I PLEASE
SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN?
HURRY BACK, MAMA BEAR.
PAPA BEAR GETS
LONELY WITHOUT YOU.
OW!
THINGS ARE GOING VERY NICELY.
I AM GOING TO TELL
UNCLE ANGELO THE TRUTH.
IT'S ONLY FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS MORE.
MA, I CAN'T DO IT.
PRETENDING WE'RE MARRIED,
ACTING AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED
IS MAKING ME CRAZY.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE
MY HEART MEDICINE.
YOU NEED WATER
TO TAKE YOUR PILL?
NO PILLS. I'LL TAKE A SHOT
OF SCOTCH, 12 YEARS OLD,
IF YOU'VE GOT IT.
UNCLE ANGELO, I HAVE
A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
GOOD. I GET MY SCOTCH,
AND WE GO IN THE CLOSET.
NO, IT'S ABOUT STAN AND ME.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOROTHY?
ON YOUR WEDDING DAY,
SOPHIA TOLD ME, SHE SAID YOUR
MARRIAGE IS NEVER GONNA LAST.
THAT MADE ME VERY SAD.
AND NOW I SEE YOU AND STAN
SO HAPPY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
IT DOES AN OLD MAN'S HEART GOOD.
AND SO DOES-A THAT.
UNCLE ANGELO...
I'M SO GLAD I DISOBEYED
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
AND RISKED THIS LONG TRIP
TO SEE THE BOTH OF
YOU SO MUCH IN LOVE.
NOW, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
UNCLE ANGELO, I WANTED TO SAY...
WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, PAPA BEAR.
COME GIVE MAMA
BEAR A BIG BEAR HUG.
CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER
SLICE OF CAKE, UNCLE ANGELO?
- NO, THANK YOU.
- I'LL TAKE A SLICE, DARLING.
NO PROBLEM, SWEETHEART.
HURRY BACK, DUMPLING.
MY FEET HAVE WINGS, BARF BAG.
DOROTHY, PLEASE, HANG IN THERE.
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, ANGELO
WILL BE ON A PLANE FOR BROOKLYN.
I WISH I'D TAKEN MY RAINCOAT.
WHY ARE YOU TWO
DRESSED LIKE THAT?
THESE ARE OUR COSTUMES
FOR THE PLAY, DOROTHY.
WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSAL
WHEN THEY TOLD US TO GO HOME.
THERE'S A HURRICANE
HEADING FOR MIAMI.
I WILL TAKE A SLICE OF CAKE.
HELLO.
UNCLE ANGELO, I'D, UH,
LIKE YOU TO MEET, UH... UH...
I'M SISTER ROSE.
HOW DO YOU DO? NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I'M SISTER BLANCHE.
- GLAD TO MEET YOU.
WE'RE HERE, UH, COLLECTING...
LINGERIE... FOR
NEEDY SEXY PEOPLE.
THE AIRPORTS ARE CLOSED. THERE'S
A HURRICANE HEADED THIS WAY.
THEY WANT EVERYONE
TO STAY WHERE THEY ARE.
THAT MEANS WE COULD BE
TRAPPED TOGETHER FOR DAYS.
OH, JESUS!
PLEASE PROTECT US
AND WATCH OVER US
IN THIS OUR HOUR OF NEED.
AMEN.
BOY, IT'S REALLY
COMING DOWN OUT THERE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH
A HURRICANE BEFORE.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID
OF. I'VE BEEN THROUGH HURRICANES.
ACTUALLY, THEY
COULD BE KIND OF FUN.
I REMEMBER ONE
WHEN I WAS MARRIED.
- MARRIED?
- MARY.
I WAS MARY IN THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT AT THE CONVENT.
REMEMBER THAT, SISTER ROSE?
OH, MY, YES. SISTER
BLANCHE IS QUITE AN ACTRESS.
SHE'D HAVE TO BE TO MAKE
ANYONE BELIEVE SHE WAS A VIRGIN.
STANLEY, YOU'RE A
PIG IN A CHEAP SUIT.
- YOU KNOW, FOR TWO CENTS...
- YOU COULD GET A BETTER TOUPEE?
I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I'M NOT
GOING ON WITH THIS ANYMORE.
ANGELO, LOOK. ST.
FRANCIS OF ASSISI.
SHUT UP AND PLAY BALL, YOU YUTZ.
FALSE ALARM. NEVER
MIND. LET'S ALL GO TO BED.
ANGELO, YOU CAN
SLEEP IN MY ROOM.
WELL, WON'T IT BE CROWDED?
PLEASE. IN SICILY, WE
SLEPT FOUR IN A BED.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S SIX OF US.
I MEANT JUST YOU AND ME.
OH-HO! FANCY.
[ DOROTHY] OH, COME
ON. LET'S GO TO BED.
YEAH. I'M BEAT.
- ME, TOO.
- ME, TOO.
ME, TOO.
- [STAN] OW!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[KNOCKING]
WHO IS IT?
IT'S UNCLE ANGELO.
COME IN.
DOROTHY, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
OH, OF COURSE, UNCLE
ANGELO. ANYTHING.
I WANT YOU TO
SLEEP WITH THIS MAN.
FORGET IT.
PLEASE, I'M A-BEGGING
YOU AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH.
NOW I KNOW HOW JESSICA
HAHN MUST HAVE FELT.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, UNCLE
ANGELO. WE HAD A FIGHT.
I KNOW, AND I WANNA GO TO BED.
SO YOU TWO KIDS, PLEASE MAKE UP.
FINE. FINE. WE'RE MADE UP.
THANK YOU. GOOD
NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
BUT CONTROL YOURSELF.
I NEED SOME REST.
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FOR?
- YOU'RE NOT GETTING
INTO THIS BED.
- WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?
- ON THE FLOOR LIKE ANY DOG.
FINE. STAN ZBORNAK DOESN'T HAVE TO BEG A
WOMAN TO GET INTO BED. WOMEN COME TO ME.
YEAH. RIGHT AFTER THEY GET THE
APPROVAL NUMBER ON YOUR MASTERCARD.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, SHUT UP.
[LAUGHING]
STANLEY, IF YOU'RE DOING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING,
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I WAS REMEMBERING THE FIRST
TIME YOU KICKED ME OUT OF BED
AND I HAD TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
EMIL ZUNTZ'S HIDDEN HONEYMOON
HIDEAWAY IN THE POCONOS.
WHERE EVERY COTTAGE
IS APRIL IN PARIS.
AND EVERY BATHROOM
CALCUTTA IN JULY.
[STAN LAUGHING]
YOU REMEMBER HOW I
CONVINCED YOU TO LET ME BACK IN?
NO.
♪ I'VE GOT A ♪ CRUSH
ON YOU ♪ SWEETIE PIE
♪ ALL THE DAY AND NIGHTTIME
♪ HEAR ME SIGH ♪
STANLEY ZBORNAK, I DON'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO CHARM ME.
- IS IT WORKING?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. I'LL
HAVE TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUN.
YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME, STANLEY.
I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE BIG GUN.
HERE GOES.
♪ EMBRACE ME ♪ MY
SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU
♪ EMBRACE ME ♪ YOU
IRREPLACEABLE YOU ♪
DOROTHY! DOROTHY, I JUST
HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
- MA, WHAT WAS IT?
- THIS.
BREAK IT UP.
STANLEY, THINK OF
ME AS THE BERLIN WALL.
TRY TO CLIMB OVER
ME, AND YOU'LL KNOW
WHAT BARB WIRE BETWEEN
YOUR LEGS FEELS LIKE.
GOTCHA.
DOROTHY, HOW DID THIS START?
- COLE PORTER?
- GERSHWIN.
THANK GOD I CAME IN TIME.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- I'LL GET IT.
HELLO.
HI, WALTER. HOW ARE YOU?
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE A
CAGED ANIMAL IN HEAT, TOO.
OH! WALTER, YOU NAUGHTY BOY.
KEEP ON TALKING.
WHAT AM I WEARING?
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST, A NUN'S OUTFIT.
OH! THAT SOUNDS
GOOD TO ME. UH-HUH.
I'LL BE OVER THERE JUST AS
SOON AS THIS STORM LETS UP.
UH-HUH.
HE'S A LEPER.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO'LL TOUCH HIM.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
- GOOD MORNING.
- I'LL MAKE SOME BREAKFAST.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME, YOU TWO STUCK
HERE ON YOUR 40th ANNIVERSARY.
- STUCK WITH US.
- FORTIETH ANNIVERSARY?
SURE. TODAY'S
THE 25th, ISN'T IT?
YES. YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.
I REMEMBER WHEN MY PARENTS
CELEBRATED THEIR 40th ANNIVERSARY.
THEY DID THE CUTEST THING.
THEY RENEWED
THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS.
YOU TWO SHOULD DO THAT.
YOU'VE GOT A PRIEST RIGHT
HERE. IT'LL BE PERFECT.
IT'S SWEET. IT'S ROMANTIC.
IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
IT'S THE DUMBEST
IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
SNOOKUMS, COULD I SEE
YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM?
SURE.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
DOROTHY, JUST HEAR ME OUT.
THE LAST TWO DAYS,
YOU AND ME BEING HERE
BROUGHT BACK A LOT
OF GOOD MEMORIES.
LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU AND I WERE
IN BED TOGETHER, I FELT SOMETHING.
THAT WAS MY MOTHER'S KNEE.
BESIDES THAT.
THERE WAS STILL SOME
OF THE OLD MAGIC THERE.
LOOK, I KNOW WE LOUSED
THINGS UP THE LAST TIME.
I LOUSED THINGS UP.
BUT NOW WE HAVE A CHANCE
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
BABE, I MISSED YOU.
I WANNA GO THROUGH
WITH THE CEREMONY.
THEN WE'LL GO DOWN TO
CITY HALL AND MAKE IT LEGAL.
- STAN...
- DOROTHY, IT'S FATE.
DIVINE INTERVENTION.
THE HURRICANE. US
PRETENDING WE'RE MARRIED.
IF GOD DIDN'T WANT US TOGETHER,
HE WOULD NEVER HAVE SENT A PRIEST.
I'M NOT A PRIEST.
ANGELO, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN YOU'RE NOT A PRIEST?
I CANNOT GO ON WITH THIS
DECEPTION ANY LONGER.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU. I'M
NOT A PRIEST. I NEVER WAS.
UNCLE ANGELO, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I GOTTA SIT DOWN.
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
PICTURE IT:
SICILY, 1914.
I PROMISED OUR DEAR SAINTED
MOTHER ON HER DEATHBED
I'M-A GONNA JOIN THE PRIESTHOOD.
ON MY WAY TO THE
SEMINARY IN PALERMO,
I STOP OFF IN A LOCAL TRATTORIA
FOR A GLASS OF CHIANTI.
THE WAITRESS BRING
DRINK TO THE TABLE...
IS A VISION.
LUSCIOUS LIPS, FULL BOSOM...
AND A BEHIND SO ROUND, SO FIRM,
YOU GOT TO FALL
DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
AND CRY OUT AT ITS
MAGNIFICENT REGAL BEAUTY.
I'M A BUTT MAN.
ANYWAY, MY DEVOTION
TO GOD DOESN'T WAVER.
BUT SUDDENLY, THE IDEA
OF LIVING WITH A BUNCH
OF GUYS IN ITCHY ROBES
DOESN'T SEEM QUITE AS APPEALING
AS THAT TUCKUS.
SO I TEAR UP MY
PRIEST APPLICATION,
ASK FILOMENA TO MARRY ME,
AND WE LIVED THE NEXT
72 YEARS IN WEDDED BLISS.
WELL, WHY DID YOU KEEP IT
A SECRET ALL THESE YEARS?
I WAS AFRAID MY FAMILY
GONNA TURN ON ME
THEY FIND OUT I BROKE A PROMISE
TO MAMA ON HER DEATHBED.
I PROMISED MAMA
I'D MARRY BENITO,
THE TOWN'S ORGAN GRINDER
MONKEY HAT MANUFACTURER.
- AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT?
- PLEASE.
I LOVED MY MOTHER DEARLY,
BUT I HAD MY OWN LIFE TO LIVE.
YOU DID, TOO, ANGELO.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OH, OF COURSE, UNCLE ANGELO.
ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALL
BEEN DECEITFUL, TOO.
STANLEY AND I ARE DIVORCED. I
HOPE YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED.
NO. I'M THRILLED. I NEVER
LIKED HIM. HE'S A YUTZ.
AND WE'RE NOT REALLY NUNS.
WE'RE ACTUALLY
GORGEOUS PRIVATE CITIZENS.
NOW I'M CONFUSED.
COME TO THE KITCHEN.
I'LL FIX YOU SOME BREAKFAST
AND EXPLAIN THE WHOLE THING.
LOOK, EVERYBODY.
THE STORM'S LETTING UP.
I'M GONNA RUN RIGHT
OVER TO WALTER'S.
AREN'T YOU GONNA CHANGE?
NO.
IT'S STILL PRETTY WINDY.
I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND
SEE IF I CAN GET AIRBORNE.
WELL, I'D BETTER GET GOING, TOO.
UH, STAN.
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
HEY, DOROTHY, UH, I WAS KIDDING.
IT WAS A JOKE.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T THINK
I MEANT IT, DID YOU?
- WELL, NO. OF COURSE NOT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
I'M STRICTLY CHEERLEADERS,
WILD PARTIES, AND HOT TUBS.
STAN, BEFORE I
FORGET, A DEAL'S A DEAL.
HERE'S YOUR 50.
THAT'S OKAY, SOPHIA.
THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.
PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER, PUSSYCAT.
GERSHWIN CONFUSED
A LOT OF PEOPLE.
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
HI, SOPHIA. OOH,
WHAT YOU MAKING?
LASAGNA AL FORNO.
SMELLS DELICIOUS.
YEAH. MY GREAT AUNT
NICOLINDA USED TO SAY,
"MAKING LASAGNA AL FORNO
IS LIKE CROSSING A RIVER.
"IF YOU ROLL UP YOUR
PANTS, DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOU FIND CLAMS
NIPPING AT YOUR HEELS."
- WHAT'D SHE MEAN?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
SHE WAS A HOPELESS ALCOHOLIC.
- HERE. HAVE A TASTE.
- OOH.
HI, GIRLS. HOW DID THE
AUDITION FOR THE PLAY GO?
AWFUL. WE JUST
GOT TWO TINY PARTS.
WE'RE DOING SOUND OF MUSIC,
AND BLANCHE DIDN'T GET THE LEAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
WEREN'T CAST IN THE LEAD.
YOU'VE GOTTEN IT
THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
THEY HIRED A NEW DIRECTOR,
AND HE HAS NO TASTE.
BLANCHE USED TO
SLEEP WITH THE OLD ONE.
THE NEW DIRECTOR'S GAY.
A GAY THEATER DIRECTOR. DID
YOU EVER HEAR OF SUCH A THING?
IT'S ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL
HAVE BLACK BASKETBALL PLAYERS
IN THE NBA.
MA, YOU ARE MAKING
LASAGNA AL FORNO.
WHAT IS THE OCCASION?
THERE'S NO OCCASION. I
JUST KNOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'LL GET IT.
THIS TAKES 12 HOURS TO
MAKE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NOTHING. AND IT TAKES 16.
THE ONLY TIME YOU
MAKE LASAGNA AL FORNO
IS FOR FUNERALS AND FAVORS.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING BLACK,
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NOTHING. DOROTHY, YOU'RE A SICK,
SUSPICIOUS, PARANOID PERSON.
STAN, MY FAVORITE EX-SON-IN-LAW.
OH! GOD! STANLEY, WHAT
THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
DON'T TALK TO HIM
LIKE THAT. I INVITED HIM.
- WHAT?
- I LOVE YOUR TOUPEE, STANLEY.
- IS IT NEW?
- YEAH.
THE GUY AT THE SHOP CALLS
IT THE DAN RATHER MODEL.
YOU THINK IT MAKES ME
LOOK MORE INTELLECTUAL?
OH, ABSOLUTELY. BY THE WAY,
STANLEY, YOUR FLY IS OPEN.
- I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I HEAR THAT DAN RATHER
HAS THE SAME PROBLEM.
THAT'S WHY HE
SITS BEHIND A DESK.
MA, LISTEN, I WANT SOME ANSWERS.
NOW, WHY DID YOU
PREPARE MY FAVORITE MEAL
AND THEN INVITE MY
LEAST FAVORITE PERSON
TO COME EAT IT WITH US?
ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. I NEED A FAVOR.
REMEMBER MY BROTHER
ANGELO? HE WAS AT YOUR WEDDING.
HE'S A PRIEST
WHO LIVES IN SICILY.
HE'S GOING TO BROOKLYN NEXT WEEK
AND INSISTED ON STOPPING
OFF IN MIAMI ONE DAY
TO WISH YOU TWO A HAPPY
40th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
BUT WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO
THE LASAGNA AL FORNO.
I WANT YOU TO PRETEND
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED
AND THAT WE'RE ALL LIVING HERE.
I WILL NOT TAKE PART. THE
INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS SACRED.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 50 BUCKS.
- OKAY.
DOROTHY, IT'S ONLY
FOR ONE AFTERNOON.
IT'LL BREAK YOUR UNCLE'S
HEART IF YOU'RE DIVORCED.
MA, FORGET IT.
WE'RE DIVORCED BECAUSE
STANLEY CHEATED ON ME.
HE IS A LOATHSOME,
REPULSIVE CREATURE.
EVEN THE THOUGHT OF PRETENDING
TO BE MARRIED MAKES ME ILL.
FINE, BUT I'M STILL
STAYING FOR DINNER.
IF YOU DON'T DO THIS, I'LL
NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.
- I DON'T CARE.
- I'LL INVITE STAN
TO EAT OVER EVERY NIGHT.
HOW BAD CAN IT BE?
IT'S JUST FOR THE DAY.
BLANCHE, I JUST
PRESSED OUR COSTUMES.
I'M NERVOUS ABOUT THE
DRESS REHEARSAL TONIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
GO OVER OUR LINES AGAIN.
SURE.
CAN WE TAKE IT FROM
THE TOP OF SCENE THREE?
I'M STANDING ON THE BALCONY
OF THE VON TRAPP HOME
LISTENING TO ARTILLERY SHELLS
BURSTING IN THE DISTANCE,
AND YOU COME RUNNING
ON FROM UPSTAGE.
- OKAY. YOU READY?
- YES.
THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
THE NAZIS ARE COMING!
EVERYBODY, GRAB A GUN
AND GO IN THE BASEMENT!
COME ON!
MOVE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SOPHIA, NOW, JUST RELAX.
WE'RE JUST GOING OVER OUR
LINES FOR THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
OH, THANK GOD.
WHOOP, IT IS REALLY COMING DOWN.
WHAT'S COMING DOWN?
THE LIBERACE MARQUEE
AT CAESAR'S PALACE.
RAIN! RAIN, ROSE!
WHERE IS THAT IDIOT STAN?
ANGELO WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE
IS. STAN'S ALWAYS LATE.
HE WAS LATE FOR OUR FIRST DATE.
AND THEN YOU WERE LATE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHICH IS WHY YOU HAD TO
MARRY THAT STUPID, LAZY, NO-GOOD,
PINHEAD OF A... PRINCE.
THIS MAN IS A
PRINCE. COME IN, STAN.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
THE RAIN REALLY TIED
UP THE TRAFFIC. HI, GIRLS.
- HI.
- HI.
HELLO, MAMA BEAR.
PAPA BEAR'S BACK IN THE CAVE.
I COULD VOMIT JUST
LOOKING AT YOU.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THAT MUST BE ANGELO.
YOU TWO GO OUT THE BACK.
HE CAN'T SEE YOU
HERE. GO AHEAD. GO. GO.
ANGELO!
SOPHIA!
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED
A BIT IN 40 YEARS.
ANGELO, YOU'RE A
PRIEST. YOU SHOULDN'T LIE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BEFORE THE TRIP, I SAID
AN EXTRA 50 HAIL MARYS
IN CASE I FELT LIKE
A-CUTTING A-LOOSE.
DOROTHY!
UNCLE ANGELO, IT IS
SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DOROTHY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW
THAN YOU DID ON
YOUR WEDDING DAY.
YOU JUST USED UP ALL 50
HAIL MARYS ON THAT ONE.
STANLEY, YOU'RE
STILL A FUNNY GUY.
YOU GOT A SENSE
OF HUMOR STILL, HUH?
HE STILL MAKE YOU LAUGH?
NOT REALLY. BUT THEN AGAIN, I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM NAKED LATELY.
WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THOSE
TWO. ALWAYS WITH THE QUIPS.
SO, TELL ME, HOW
ARE THE CHILDREN?
OH, UNCLE ANGELO,
THEY'RE ALL GROWN UP.
HOW NICE.
KATE IS AN INTERIOR
DECORATOR IN NEW YORK,
AND MICHAEL IS A VERY
SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN.
MICHAEL DIDN'T WANT GO IN
THE NOVELTY BUSINESS WITH ME.
YES. IT WAS A CRUSHING BLOW
WHEN HE DECIDED TO JOIN
THE BOSTON PHILHARMONIC
INSTEAD OF SELLING RUBBER
DOG POOP DOOR-TO-DOOR.
DON'T KNOCK THE NOVELTY
BUSINESS, SNOOKUMS.
RUBBER DOG POOP AND JOY
BUZZERS PROVIDED VERY NICELY
FOR YOU, THE KIDS...
AND SEVERAL STEWARDESSES.
STEWARDESSES?
UH, THEY ADOPTED THEM.
AFTER ASIAN BABIES,
THEY'RE THE MOST POPULAR.
MA, COULD I PLEASE
SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN?
HURRY BACK, MAMA BEAR.
PAPA BEAR GETS
LONELY WITHOUT YOU.
OW!
THINGS ARE GOING VERY NICELY.
I AM GOING TO TELL
UNCLE ANGELO THE TRUTH.
IT'S ONLY FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS MORE.
MA, I CAN'T DO IT.
PRETENDING WE'RE MARRIED,
ACTING AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED
IS MAKING ME CRAZY.
IT'S TIME TO TAKE
MY HEART MEDICINE.
YOU NEED WATER
TO TAKE YOUR PILL?
NO PILLS. I'LL TAKE A SHOT
OF SCOTCH, 12 YEARS OLD,
IF YOU'VE GOT IT.
UNCLE ANGELO, I HAVE
A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
GOOD. I GET MY SCOTCH,
AND WE GO IN THE CLOSET.
NO, IT'S ABOUT STAN AND ME.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DOROTHY?
ON YOUR WEDDING DAY,
SOPHIA TOLD ME, SHE SAID YOUR
MARRIAGE IS NEVER GONNA LAST.
THAT MADE ME VERY SAD.
AND NOW I SEE YOU AND STAN
SO HAPPY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
IT DOES AN OLD MAN'S HEART GOOD.
AND SO DOES-A THAT.
UNCLE ANGELO...
I'M SO GLAD I DISOBEYED
DOCTOR'S ORDERS
AND RISKED THIS LONG TRIP
TO SEE THE BOTH OF
YOU SO MUCH IN LOVE.
NOW, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
UNCLE ANGELO, I WANTED TO SAY...
WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, PAPA BEAR.
COME GIVE MAMA
BEAR A BIG BEAR HUG.
CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER
SLICE OF CAKE, UNCLE ANGELO?
- NO, THANK YOU.
- I'LL TAKE A SLICE, DARLING.
NO PROBLEM, SWEETHEART.
HURRY BACK, DUMPLING.
MY FEET HAVE WINGS, BARF BAG.
DOROTHY, PLEASE, HANG IN THERE.
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, ANGELO
WILL BE ON A PLANE FOR BROOKLYN.
I WISH I'D TAKEN MY RAINCOAT.
WHY ARE YOU TWO
DRESSED LIKE THAT?
THESE ARE OUR COSTUMES
FOR THE PLAY, DOROTHY.
WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSAL
WHEN THEY TOLD US TO GO HOME.
THERE'S A HURRICANE
HEADING FOR MIAMI.
I WILL TAKE A SLICE OF CAKE.
HELLO.
UNCLE ANGELO, I'D, UH,
LIKE YOU TO MEET, UH... UH...
I'M SISTER ROSE.
HOW DO YOU DO? NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I'M SISTER BLANCHE.
- GLAD TO MEET YOU.
WE'RE HERE, UH, COLLECTING...
LINGERIE... FOR
NEEDY SEXY PEOPLE.
THE AIRPORTS ARE CLOSED. THERE'S
A HURRICANE HEADED THIS WAY.
THEY WANT EVERYONE
TO STAY WHERE THEY ARE.
THAT MEANS WE COULD BE
TRAPPED TOGETHER FOR DAYS.
OH, JESUS!
PLEASE PROTECT US
AND WATCH OVER US
IN THIS OUR HOUR OF NEED.
AMEN.
BOY, IT'S REALLY
COMING DOWN OUT THERE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH
A HURRICANE BEFORE.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID
OF. I'VE BEEN THROUGH HURRICANES.
ACTUALLY, THEY
COULD BE KIND OF FUN.
I REMEMBER ONE
WHEN I WAS MARRIED.
- MARRIED?
- MARY.
I WAS MARY IN THE CHRISTMAS
PAGEANT AT THE CONVENT.
REMEMBER THAT, SISTER ROSE?
OH, MY, YES. SISTER
BLANCHE IS QUITE AN ACTRESS.
SHE'D HAVE TO BE TO MAKE
ANYONE BELIEVE SHE WAS A VIRGIN.
STANLEY, YOU'RE A
PIG IN A CHEAP SUIT.
- YOU KNOW, FOR TWO CENTS...
- YOU COULD GET A BETTER TOUPEE?
I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I'M NOT
GOING ON WITH THIS ANYMORE.
ANGELO, LOOK. ST.
FRANCIS OF ASSISI.
SHUT UP AND PLAY BALL, YOU YUTZ.
FALSE ALARM. NEVER
MIND. LET'S ALL GO TO BED.
ANGELO, YOU CAN
SLEEP IN MY ROOM.
WELL, WON'T IT BE CROWDED?
PLEASE. IN SICILY, WE
SLEPT FOUR IN A BED.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S SIX OF US.
I MEANT JUST YOU AND ME.
OH-HO! FANCY.
[ DOROTHY] OH, COME
ON. LET'S GO TO BED.
YEAH. I'M BEAT.
- ME, TOO.
- ME, TOO.
ME, TOO.
- [STAN] OW!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[KNOCKING]
WHO IS IT?
IT'S UNCLE ANGELO.
COME IN.
DOROTHY, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
OH, OF COURSE, UNCLE
ANGELO. ANYTHING.
I WANT YOU TO
SLEEP WITH THIS MAN.
FORGET IT.
PLEASE, I'M A-BEGGING
YOU AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH.
NOW I KNOW HOW JESSICA
HAHN MUST HAVE FELT.
LOOK, I'M SORRY, UNCLE
ANGELO. WE HAD A FIGHT.
I KNOW, AND I WANNA GO TO BED.
SO YOU TWO KIDS, PLEASE MAKE UP.
FINE. FINE. WE'RE MADE UP.
THANK YOU. GOOD
NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
BUT CONTROL YOURSELF.
I NEED SOME REST.
- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FOR?
- YOU'RE NOT GETTING
INTO THIS BED.
- WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?
- ON THE FLOOR LIKE ANY DOG.
FINE. STAN ZBORNAK DOESN'T HAVE TO BEG A
WOMAN TO GET INTO BED. WOMEN COME TO ME.
YEAH. RIGHT AFTER THEY GET THE
APPROVAL NUMBER ON YOUR MASTERCARD.
- GOOD NIGHT.
- OH, SHUT UP.
[LAUGHING]
STANLEY, IF YOU'RE DOING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING,
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I WAS REMEMBERING THE FIRST
TIME YOU KICKED ME OUT OF BED
AND I HAD TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
EMIL ZUNTZ'S HIDDEN HONEYMOON
HIDEAWAY IN THE POCONOS.
WHERE EVERY COTTAGE
IS APRIL IN PARIS.
AND EVERY BATHROOM
CALCUTTA IN JULY.
[STAN LAUGHING]
YOU REMEMBER HOW I
CONVINCED YOU TO LET ME BACK IN?
NO.
♪ I'VE GOT A ♪ CRUSH
ON YOU ♪ SWEETIE PIE
♪ ALL THE DAY AND NIGHTTIME
♪ HEAR ME SIGH ♪
STANLEY ZBORNAK, I DON'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO CHARM ME.
- IS IT WORKING?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. I'LL
HAVE TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUN.
YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME, STANLEY.
I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE BIG GUN.
HERE GOES.
♪ EMBRACE ME ♪ MY
SWEET EMBRACEABLE YOU
♪ EMBRACE ME ♪ YOU
IRREPLACEABLE YOU ♪
DOROTHY! DOROTHY, I JUST
HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
- MA, WHAT WAS IT?
- THIS.
BREAK IT UP.
STANLEY, THINK OF
ME AS THE BERLIN WALL.
TRY TO CLIMB OVER
ME, AND YOU'LL KNOW
WHAT BARB WIRE BETWEEN
YOUR LEGS FEELS LIKE.
GOTCHA.
DOROTHY, HOW DID THIS START?
- COLE PORTER?
- GERSHWIN.
THANK GOD I CAME IN TIME.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- I'LL GET IT.
HELLO.
HI, WALTER. HOW ARE YOU?
YEAH, I FEEL LIKE A
CAGED ANIMAL IN HEAT, TOO.
OH! WALTER, YOU NAUGHTY BOY.
KEEP ON TALKING.
WHAT AM I WEARING?
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST, A NUN'S OUTFIT.
OH! THAT SOUNDS
GOOD TO ME. UH-HUH.
I'LL BE OVER THERE JUST AS
SOON AS THIS STORM LETS UP.
UH-HUH.
HE'S A LEPER.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO'LL TOUCH HIM.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
- GOOD MORNING.
- I'LL MAKE SOME BREAKFAST.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME, YOU TWO STUCK
HERE ON YOUR 40th ANNIVERSARY.
- STUCK WITH US.
- FORTIETH ANNIVERSARY?
SURE. TODAY'S
THE 25th, ISN'T IT?
YES. YEAH, I GUESS IT IS.
I REMEMBER WHEN MY PARENTS
CELEBRATED THEIR 40th ANNIVERSARY.
THEY DID THE CUTEST THING.
THEY RENEWED
THEIR MARRIAGE VOWS.
YOU TWO SHOULD DO THAT.
YOU'VE GOT A PRIEST RIGHT
HERE. IT'LL BE PERFECT.
IT'S SWEET. IT'S ROMANTIC.
IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
IT'S THE DUMBEST
IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
SNOOKUMS, COULD I SEE
YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM?
SURE.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
DOROTHY, JUST HEAR ME OUT.
THE LAST TWO DAYS,
YOU AND ME BEING HERE
BROUGHT BACK A LOT
OF GOOD MEMORIES.
LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU AND I WERE
IN BED TOGETHER, I FELT SOMETHING.
THAT WAS MY MOTHER'S KNEE.
BESIDES THAT.
THERE WAS STILL SOME
OF THE OLD MAGIC THERE.
LOOK, I KNOW WE LOUSED
THINGS UP THE LAST TIME.
I LOUSED THINGS UP.
BUT NOW WE HAVE A CHANCE
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
BABE, I MISSED YOU.
I WANNA GO THROUGH
WITH THE CEREMONY.
THEN WE'LL GO DOWN TO
CITY HALL AND MAKE IT LEGAL.
- STAN...
- DOROTHY, IT'S FATE.
DIVINE INTERVENTION.
THE HURRICANE. US
PRETENDING WE'RE MARRIED.
IF GOD DIDN'T WANT US TOGETHER,
HE WOULD NEVER HAVE SENT A PRIEST.
I'M NOT A PRIEST.
ANGELO, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN YOU'RE NOT A PRIEST?
I CANNOT GO ON WITH THIS
DECEPTION ANY LONGER.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU. I'M
NOT A PRIEST. I NEVER WAS.
UNCLE ANGELO, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I GOTTA SIT DOWN.
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
PICTURE IT:
SICILY, 1914.
I PROMISED OUR DEAR SAINTED
MOTHER ON HER DEATHBED
I'M-A GONNA JOIN THE PRIESTHOOD.
ON MY WAY TO THE
SEMINARY IN PALERMO,
I STOP OFF IN A LOCAL TRATTORIA
FOR A GLASS OF CHIANTI.
THE WAITRESS BRING
DRINK TO THE TABLE...
IS A VISION.
LUSCIOUS LIPS, FULL BOSOM...
AND A BEHIND SO ROUND, SO FIRM,
YOU GOT TO FALL
DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
AND CRY OUT AT ITS
MAGNIFICENT REGAL BEAUTY.
I'M A BUTT MAN.
ANYWAY, MY DEVOTION
TO GOD DOESN'T WAVER.
BUT SUDDENLY, THE IDEA
OF LIVING WITH A BUNCH
OF GUYS IN ITCHY ROBES
DOESN'T SEEM QUITE AS APPEALING
AS THAT TUCKUS.
SO I TEAR UP MY
PRIEST APPLICATION,
ASK FILOMENA TO MARRY ME,
AND WE LIVED THE NEXT
72 YEARS IN WEDDED BLISS.
WELL, WHY DID YOU KEEP IT
A SECRET ALL THESE YEARS?
I WAS AFRAID MY FAMILY
GONNA TURN ON ME
THEY FIND OUT I BROKE A PROMISE
TO MAMA ON HER DEATHBED.
I PROMISED MAMA
I'D MARRY BENITO,
THE TOWN'S ORGAN GRINDER
MONKEY HAT MANUFACTURER.
- AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT?
- PLEASE.
I LOVED MY MOTHER DEARLY,
BUT I HAD MY OWN LIFE TO LIVE.
YOU DID, TOO, ANGELO.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OH, OF COURSE, UNCLE ANGELO.
ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALL
BEEN DECEITFUL, TOO.
STANLEY AND I ARE DIVORCED. I
HOPE YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED.
NO. I'M THRILLED. I NEVER
LIKED HIM. HE'S A YUTZ.
AND WE'RE NOT REALLY NUNS.
WE'RE ACTUALLY
GORGEOUS PRIVATE CITIZENS.
NOW I'M CONFUSED.
COME TO THE KITCHEN.
I'LL FIX YOU SOME BREAKFAST
AND EXPLAIN THE WHOLE THING.
LOOK, EVERYBODY.
THE STORM'S LETTING UP.
I'M GONNA RUN RIGHT
OVER TO WALTER'S.
AREN'T YOU GONNA CHANGE?
NO.
IT'S STILL PRETTY WINDY.
I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND
SEE IF I CAN GET AIRBORNE.
WELL, I'D BETTER GET GOING, TOO.
UH, STAN.
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.
HEY, DOROTHY, UH, I WAS KIDDING.
IT WAS A JOKE.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T THINK
I MEANT IT, DID YOU?
- WELL, NO. OF COURSE NOT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
I'M STRICTLY CHEERLEADERS,
WILD PARTIES, AND HOT TUBS.
STAN, BEFORE I
FORGET, A DEAL'S A DEAL.
HERE'S YOUR 50.
THAT'S OKAY, SOPHIA.
THIS ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.
PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER, PUSSYCAT.
GERSHWIN CONFUSED
A LOT OF PEOPLE.