The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 15 - Dorothy's New Friend - full transcript

Dorothy's friend, local author Barbara Thorndyke, treats Rose and Blanche condescendingly.

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE



♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

HI, SOPHIA.

WHAT YOU COOKING?

LASAGNA, FOR A
GUY AT THE CENTER.

OH! IS HE CUTE?

CUTE. HE'S 84, DOESN'T
HAVE A HAIR ON HIS HEAD

OR A REAL TOOTH IN HIS MOUTH, AND
HIS BODY'S COVERED WITH LIVER SPOTS.



TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION, HE'S ADORABLE.

LOOK AT THE GREAT COSTUME I
GOT FOR THE MASQUERADE BALL.

I CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO BE
THE FRONT END OR THE REAR END.

I'M IN A ROMANTIC MOOD.

I'M GONNA LET THAT GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY PASS RIGHT BY.

- HI, DOROTHY.
- OH, HELLO.

I GOT OUR COSTUME FOR THE
BALL AT THE COUNSELING CENTER.

IS IT TIME FOR THAT AGAIN?

IT'S THE BIGGEST SOCIAL
EVENT OF THE SEASON.

- DOROTHY, IT'LL BE FUN.
- IT WILL NOT BE FUN.

THERE IS NO FUN IN MY LIFE.

HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE
YOU'RE STUCK IN A RUT,

GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS WITH
NO JOY, PLEASURE OR EXCITEMENT?

SURE. THAT WAS MY SEX
LIFE WITH YOUR FATHER.

MA, MY JOB IS ROUTINE. I
HAVE VIRTUALLY NO SOCIAL LIFE.

NOTHING INTERESTS ME. MY LIFE
HAS JUST BECOME DULL AND BORING.

WHERE'S THAT SENSE OF FUN,
THAT LIGHTHEARTED LAUGHTER,

THAT DEVIL-MAY-CARE ATTITUDE?

SOPHIA, WHEN WAS
DOROTHY EVER LIKE THAT?

NEVER. I'VE BEEN ASKING HER
THESE QUESTIONS SINCE SHE'S 12.

YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF
YOU'RE DULL AND BORING.

GOD DID THAT TO GIVE
THE WORLD SOME VARIETY.

OTHERWISE, EVERYBODY
WOULD BE JUST LIKE ME.

AND THERE WOULDN'T BE
ENOUGH SAILORS TO GO AROUND.

YOUR LIFE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE DULL.

IT'S UP TO YOU TO
MAKE IT INTERESTING.

OH, I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.

GET OFF YOUR DUFF
AND DO SOMETHING.

THERE'S A LECTURE AT
THE SCHOOL TONIGHT.

BARBARA THORNDYKE
IS GOING TO SPEAK.

WHO'S BARBARA THORNDYKE?

A LOCAL NOVELIST WHOSE
STORIES ARE ALL SET IN FLORIDA.

WAIT A SECOND.

BARBARA THORNDYKE. DIDN'T SHE
WRITE EVIL WIND OVER PENSACOLA?

YOU KNOW IT?

I GO TO BED WITH IT EVERY NIGHT.

- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

MY MATTRESS FRAME LOST A
CASTER. I USE IT TO KEEP THE BED LEVEL.

- HI, DOROTHY.
- HI, BLANCHE.

ARE WE EXPECTING COMPANY?

YEP. BARBARA THORNDYKE.

I INTRODUCED MYSELF
AFTER THE LECTURE.

WE WENT OUT AND HAD
COFFEE AND TALKED FOR HOURS.

WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT?

ART, LITERATURE,
WORLD EVENTS, LIFE.

I HAVEN'T HAD THAT STIMULATING
A CONVERSATION IN YEARS.

IF YOU'RE SAYING YOU
CAN'T GET STIMULATING

CONVERSATION AROUND
THIS HOUSE, I BEG TO DIFFER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT SAYS SINCE MICHAEL JACKSON
CAN'T BUY THE ELEPHANT MAN,

HE'S PUT IN A BID FOR THE
REMAINS OF THE BIG BOPPER.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING
YOU READ IN THAT RAG.

IT CATERS TO PEOPLE OF
THE LOWEST INTELLIGENCE.

THEN WHY DO YOU BUY IT?

BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY NEWSPAPER

ELVIS WILL TALK TO
FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

I'M SORRY, DOROTHY. WHERE WAS I?

UH, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
LISTEN, ROSE.

LET'S PUT THIS AWAY SO THAT
BARBARA THORNDYKE WON'T SEE IT.

BARBARA THORNDYKE
IS COMING HERE?

WOW. I'VE NEVER MET
A REAL AUTHOR BEFORE.

I HAVE. I ONCE STOOD IN LINE
TWO HOURS AT A BOOKSTORE

FOR ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER'S AUTOGRAPH.

WHEN I THINK OF GREAT
LITERARY FIGURES OF OUR TIME,

IT'S USUALLY, UH, FAULKNER,
FITZGERALD, AND SCHWARZENEGGER.

SCHWARZENEGGER. YEAH.

- DID HE SIGN YOUR BOOK?
- YES.

BUT ONLY AFTER HE
REFUSED TO SIGN MY THIGH.

HE WAS PROBABLY INTIMIDATED

TO SEE A THIGH BIGGER THAN HIS.

OH, HI, MA.

ANYBODY WANT A LASAGNA?

I THOUGHT YOU MADE
THAT FOR YOUR FRIEND.

HE SAID HE HAD LUNCH ALREADY.

I OFFERED TO GO TO HIS PLACE
AND WARM IT UP FOR SUPPER.

HE SAID NO.

THE KEY IS TO MAKE A MAN THINK
YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN HIM.

OFFERING TO MAKE HIM DINNER
MADE YOU LOOK TOO EASY.

PLEASE. BLACK
UNDERWEAR AND PASTIES

COULDN'T MAKE ME LOOK EASY.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HELLO.

BARBARA, PLEASE,
COME IN. COME IN.

- OH, HELLO.
- THESE ARE MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S BLANCHE
DEVEREAUX. ROSE NYLUND.

HOW DO YOU DO?

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WELL, BARBARA, DOROTHY
TELLS US YOU'RE AN AUTHOR.

NO, I'M JUST A WRITER.
MALAMUD'S AN AUTHOR.

I THOUGHT MALAMUDS
WERE CHOCOLATE COOKIES

WITH MARSHMALLOWS IN THE MIDDLE.

THOSE ARE MALLOMARS, ROSE.

DOROTHY, I WANT YOU TO HAVE
A COPY OF MY LATEST NOVEL.

OH. SCARLET DAWN AT BOCA RATON.

READ THE INSCRIPTION.

OH. "TO DOROTHY ZBORNAK,

A NEW AND FASCINATING FRIEND."

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M REALLY TOUCHED.

I'LL GET THE COFFEE AND LET
YOU GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

BARBARA, THAT IS A STUNNING
BROOCH. WHEREVER DID YOU GET IT?

OH. I WAS IN MOROCCO
WORKING ON A NOVEL,

NOT TO MENTION A
DASHING YOUNG MOROCCAN,

OH!

WHEN I HAD A SEVERE
ATTACK OF WRITER'S BLOCK.

MY HEAD WAS DEVOID OF
ALL IDEAS AND THOUGHTS.

THAT HAPPENS TO ME A LOT.

DO YOU WRITE?

NO.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

GO ON, BARBARA.

I WENT FOR A WALK IN A
CROWDED MARKETPLACE.

A MAN CAME UP BEHIND ME,
PUT SOMETHING IN MY HAND,

AND SAID, "THIS IS
WHAT YOU NEED."

THAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE IN
THE PRODUCE SECTION AT THE A&P.

WELL, ANYWAY, THE MAN
GAVE ME THE BROOCH,

AND SINCE THEN, I'VE NEVER
HAD ANY PROBLEM WRITING.

THIS IS MY MUSE, MY
ARTISTIC INSPIRATION,

THE EMBODIMENT OF MY CREATIVITY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN
BETTER? IT GOES WITH ANYTHING.

IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE
TRICKY WITH PLAID.

I'D BE CAREFUL IF I WERE YOU.

YOU MISSED THE
POINT OF MY STORY.

OH, REALLY? RUN IT BY US AGAIN.

I THINK NOT.

SO, UM, YOU BOWL?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- HOW'S IT GOING?
- I'VE HAD THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL CONVERSATION

WITH ROSE AND MADGE.

- THAT'S BLANCHE.
- OH, OF COURSE.

HOWEVER I JUST REMEMBERED A
PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT. I HAVE TO GO.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

WELL, AT LEAST LET ME
WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT HER I DON'T LIKE.

- ME, TOO.
- I FIND HER HARD TO TALK TO.

- ME, TOO.
- SHE THINKS I'M DUMB.

ME, TOO.

BLANCHE, HAVE YOU DECIDED
WHO YOU'RE GONNA BE AT THE BALL?

YES. I'M GOING AS EVE
FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN.

ALL I'LL NEED IS A FEW
STRATEGICALLY PLACED LEAVES.

- WHAT ABOUT A SNAKE?
- I ALREADY HAVE A SNAKE.

I'M GOING WITH HANK CRINLAND.
HE'S A WHIPLASH ATTORNEY.

DOROTHY, ROSE AND I ARE GOING
TO THE MOVIES. YOU WANNA GO?

OH, I CAN'T TONIGHT.

BARBARA'S TAKING ME TO THE
EXPERIMENTAL THEATER DOWNTOWN.

SOMEBODY DRAGGED ME
TO A SHOW THERE ONE TIME.

THREE MEN PARADED AROUND
THE STAGE FOR FIVE HOURS

TALKING ABOUT GOD AND
EATING GRAHAM CRACKERS.

THEY WORE MASKS, BUT OTHER
THAN THAT, THEY WERE TOTALLY NAKED.

YOU STAYED THROUGH
THE WHOLE EVENING?

WELL, I WOULD'VE LEFT,

BUT ONE OF THE ACTORS
LOOKED SO FAMILIAR TO ME.

BUT IT WAS HARD TO TELL
SINCE HE HAD SUCH A SMALL PART.

DOROTHY, COME WITH US.
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE FUN.

BESIDES, THAT
BARBARA IS SO SNOOTY.

BLANCHE, HOW CAN YOU SAY
THAT? YOU HARDLY KNOW HER.

WHY DOESN'T SHE INCLUDE US IN
THE PLANS SHE MAKES WITH YOU?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE
DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK
OF MY BEST FRIENDS

THAT THEY RESPECT MY RIGHT
TO HAVE DIFFERENT INTERESTS

AND PEOPLE IN MY LIFE?

I GUESS NOT.

THANK YOU.

AND I PROMISE WE'LL DO SOMETHING
TOGETHER REAL SOON. OKAY?

MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT. WE DIDN'T
GIVE BARBARA MUCH OF A CHANCE.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE WRONG.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS
LITTLE BACK IN ST. OLAF.

THERE WAS THIS OLD LADY
WHO LIVED UP THE STREET.

SHE NEVER SMILED.

SHE ALWAYS LOOKED ANGRY.

THE KIDS SAID SHE'D KILL ANYONE

WHO EVEN STEPPED
ON HER PROPERTY.

WE USED TO CALL HER MEAN
OLD LADY HIGGENLOOPER.

YEAH, KIDS CAN BE PRETTY CRUEL.

NO. THAT WAS HER NAME.
MEAN OLD LADY HIGGENLOOPER.

SHE HAD IT CHANGED LEGALLY 'CAUSE
EVERYBODY CALLED HER THAT ANYWAY.

THEN HOW COME YOUR
NAME ISN'T BIG DUMMY?

THERE WERE ALREADY THREE OTHER
PEOPLE IN TOWN WITH THAT NAME.

BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.

ONE DAY I GOT UP THE COURAGE

TO GO UP TO MEAN OLD
LADY HIGGENLOOPER

AND ASK HER WHY
SHE ALWAYS FROWNED.

WELL, SHE HAD BEEN BORN
WITH NO SMILING MUSCLES.

I POINTED OUT

THAT A FROWN IS JUST A
SMILE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

SO FROM THEN ON,
WHENEVER I'D GO BY,

SHE'D STAND ON
HER HEAD AND WAVE.

THAT IS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST
STORIES I'VE EVER HEARD.

WHICH PROVES MY FIRST
IMPRESSION OF YOU WAS RIGHT.

BLANCHE, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE INVITE
BARBARA OVER FOR DINNER

AND GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE?

WHY NOT? IF IT MAKES
DOROTHY HAPPY.

LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES.

ROSE, WHAT WAS YOUR
FIRST IMPRESSION OF ME?

I THOUGHT YOU WORE TOO
MUCH MAKEUP AND WERE A SLUT.

I WAS WRONG. YOU DON'T
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP.

AND SO DOROTHY PARKER
TURNED TO ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT

AND SAID, "IF YOU LAID ALL THE
WOMEN IN THIS ROOM END TO END,

I WOULDN'T BE A BIT SURPRISED."

VERY CLEVER.

VERY, VERY CLEVER.

I CAN'T REMEMBER HEARING
ANYTHING MORE CLEVER.

UNLESS IT WAS LAST WEEK ON
ALF, WHEN THE CAT NEXT DOOR...

I'LL GO GET THE
AFTER-DINNER DRINKS.

BARBARA, I PICKED UP YOUR
FIRST NOVEL THE OTHER DAY.

AH, YES. SO DARK THE
WAVES ON BISCAYNE BAY.

I'VE GROWN SO MUCH
AS A WRITER SINCE THEN.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

BLANCHE.

NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH MY BOOK, DEAR?

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID.

ALL THOSE WAVES. BIG
WAVES, LITTLE WAVES.

DARK WAVES ROLLING
IN. PAGE AFTER PAGE.

I HAD TO TAKE A DRAMAMINE TO
GET THROUGH CHAPTER THREE.

BLANCHE, THE WAVES
ARE A METAPHOR.

YOU SEE, A METAPHOR...

I KNOW WHAT A METAPHOR
IS, DEAR. I'M NOT A DUMMY.

BLANCHE, WHAT'S A METAPHOR?

IT'S WHEN YOU USE A PHRASE
TO MEAN SOMETHING ELSE.

LIKE WHEN I SAY, "MEN
ARE BLINDED BY MY BEAUTY,"

THEY'RE NOT REALLY BLINDED.

THEY GET THEIR SIGHT
BACK IN A DAY OR TWO.

OH, BARBARA, THIS IS
MY MOTHER, SOPHIA.

AH. SOPHIA, YOUR DAUGHTER

IS ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.

BOY, YOU WRITERS NEVER
STOP USING YOUR IMAGINATION.

- [HORN BLARES]
- WELL, GOOD-BYE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

I'M ALL DRESSED UP. THERE'S
A CAR HONKING FOR ME.

THINK, DOROTHY. REMEMBER
SOMETHING CALLED "A DATE"?

WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING TO.

BUT IT'S STILL SO EARLY.

I THOUGHT WE COULD ALL HAVE
A GAME OF OOGLE AND FLOOGLE.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE
EVER HEARD OF THAT.

WE USED TO PLAY
IT BACK IN ST. OLAF.

IT'S AN ADULT VERSION
OF HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.

AND HOW DOES IT DIFFER
FROM THE CHILDREN'S VERSION?

ADULTS PLAY IT.

OF COURSE. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

I'LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK.

IT WAS SO NICE OF
YOU TO COME BY.

I HAVE AN EXTRA TICKET FOR THE
WRITERS SYMPOSIUM ON FRIDAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME?

I'D LOVE TO, BARBARA. THANK YOU.

ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND. CIAO.

CIAO.

AND GOOD-BYE TO
YOU, TOO, BARBARA.

DOROTHY, THE MASQUERADE
BALL IS FRIDAY NIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH IT MEANS TO ME.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO BE
THE REAR END OF MY HORSE.

ROSE, SWEETHEART,

THIS FRIDAY I CAN CHOOSE
BETWEEN RUBBING ELBOWS

WITH NORMAN MAILER,

OR DOING THE HOKEY-POKEY
IN A HORSE COSTUME

WITH YOUR BEHIND IN MY FACE.

WELL, WHICH IS IT GONNA BE?

ROSE, HONEY, PASS ME THE TUFFY.

WITH PLEASURE, BLANCHE.

THANK YOU, ROSE.

YOU'RE MORE THAN
WELCOME, BLANCHE.

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON
ME TO HAND YOU THE TUFFY.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY
I ALWAYS ASK YOU.

I THINK I SAW JACK AND JANET
GIVE CHRISSY THIS TREATMENT

ON AN EPISODE OF
THREE'S COMPANY.

OH, AT LAST, A
REFERENCE FROM DOROTHY

THAT EVEN WE ILLITERATES
CAN UNDERSTAND.

I GUESS HER WELL OF
KNOWLEDGE HAS RUN DRY.

THAT'S A METAPHOR, DOROTHY.

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT I
GO TO THIS MASQUERADE BALL?

BECAUSE IT'S SO
IMPORTANT TO ROSE.

SHE'S CRUSHED, TORN UP,

DEVASTATED BY YOUR SHOCKING
INSENSITIVITY TO HER FEELINGS.

- I DON'T FEEL THAT BAD.
- SHUT UP, ROSE.

I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING.

SINCE WHEN DO WE HAVE
TO SAY WE'RE GOING?

WE'VE GONE FOR
THE PAST FIVE YEARS.

WE MAY HATE IT,
BUT WE ALWAYS GO.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU HATED IT.

I'M A GOOD FRIEND.

A GOOD FRIEND WOULD
NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I APPRECIATE THAT, BLANCHE.

JUST ADMIT THAT THIS IS
BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE BARBARA.

ALL RIGHT. I DON'T LIKE
BARBARA. I THINK SHE'S A PHONY.

OH. THIS FROM A WOMAN

WHO TELLS HER DATES THAT SHE
WAS ANGIE DICKINSON'S BODY DOUBLE

IN DRESSED TO KILL.

THAT'S JUST A LITTLE WHITE LIE.

THEN WHY IS IT ON
YOUR JOB RESUME?

BLANCHE IS RIGHT, DOROTHY.

BARBARA IS NOT VERY NICE.

SHE LOOKS DOWN ON
EVERYBODY EXCEPT YOU.

THAT'S ONLY 'CAUSE
YOU LOOK UP TO HER.

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU DON'T NOTICE HOW
SHE USES HER INTELLIGENCE

TO MAKE EVERYBODY
ELSE LOOK STUPID.

LIKE TONIGHT AT SUPPER

WHEN SHE ASKED US TO
PASS THE SALT IN LATIN.

SHE CARES MORE ABOUT WORDS
THAN SHE DOES ABOUT PEOPLE.

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO
HAVE YOUR OWN FRIENDS,

BUT IT TAKES A GOOD FRIEND
TO POINT OUT YOUR MISTAKES,

AND YOU'RE MAKING
ONE WITH BARBARA.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE
JUDGMENTS LIKE THAT.

AND HOW DARE YOU TELL ME
WHO MY FRIENDS SHOULD BE.

BARBARA, THIS
PLACE IS INCREDIBLE.

YES.

IT'S THE HANGOUT FOR MIAMI'S
LITERARY INTELLIGENTSIA.

AH, THANK YOU.

WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN A MENU
WITH A TABLE OF CONTENTS BEFORE.

SKIP AHEAD TO CHAPTER
FIVE. IT'S THE LUNCH MENU.

OH, GEE, EVERYTHING
SOUNDS SO GOOD.

THE CREPES OF WRATH.

THE OLD MAN AND
THE SEAFOOD SALAD.

I THINK I WILL HAVE THE FOR WHOM
THE STUFFED BELL PEPPER TOLLS.

I'LL HAVE A TURKEY SANDWICH
ON CATCHER IN THE RYE BREAD

WITH A SIDE ORDER OF
GEORGE BERNARD SLAW.

BARBARA, I'VE REALLY COME
TO VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL I CAN TALK
TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

FEEL FREE.

IF I HAD A PROBLEM, I'D WANNA
CONFIDE IN SOMEONE LIKE ME.

EVER SINCE WE BECAME FRIENDS,

THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT DEAL OF
TENSION BETWEEN BLANCHE AND ROSE AND ME.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO INFRINGE
ON YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

NO, NO. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THE PROBLEM IS THEY FEEL
LEFT OUT OF OUR FRIENDSHIP,

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

FACE IT, DOROTHY. BLANCHE
AND ROSE ARE LIMITED.

WELL, I ADMIT I GET TIRED OF
HEARING ABOUT BLANCHE'S DATES

AND ROSE'S RELATIVES
BACK IN ST. OLAF,

BUT THEY ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.

IF YOU LIKE THEM, I MUST
HAVE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T I INVITE EVERYBODY
AND THEIR DATES FOR DINNER

AT THE MORTIMER CLUB?

THE MORTIMER CLUB?

BARBARA, THAT IS THE MOST
EXCLUSIVE CLUB IN TOWN.

HERE WE ARE, LADIES.

I DIDN'T ORDER THE FRENCH FRIES.

OH, RIGHT. YOU GET THE
EDGAR ALLAN POE-TATOES

AND THE ICE WATER COMETH.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE OF
THAT GOES A VERY LONG WAY.

BLANCHE, I'M HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT SPENDING ANOTHER
EVENING WITH BARBARA THORNDYKE.

I DON'T THINK IT'LL HURT TO
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE.

BESIDES, WE'RE GOING
TO THE MORTIMER CLUB.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

ROSE, THE WEALTHIEST
MEN IN FLORIDA GO THERE.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THAT
WEALTHY MEN MAKE THE BEST LOVERS.

IS THAT TRUE?

NO. BUT IF YOU TELL THEM THAT,

SOMETIMES THEY'LL
TAKE YOU TO THE MALL

AND LET YOU USE THEIR
CREDIT CARD FOR 45 MINUTES.

BLANCHE, HONEY, I
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

I BORROWED YOUR
RHINESTONE NECKLACE.

NO, BUT I SHOULD POINT OUT

IT WAS DESIGNED
FOR A DAINTY NECK.

YES, BLANCHE, BUT I DON'T
KNOW MIKE TYSON WELL ENOUGH

TO BORROW HIS JEWELRY.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HELLO, MADGE.

THAT'S BLANCHE.

OH, DIDN'T I SAY THAT?

THIS IS MY DATE, NORMAN.

HE'S A STUDENT IN MY
CREATIVE WRITING COURSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
TAUGHT HIGH SCHOOL.

NORMAN AND I ARE THE
SAME AGE SPIRITUALLY.

HEY, IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO
BUY THAT, MORE POWER TO YOU.

HELLO, BARBARA.

HI, DOROTHY, ROSE.

I CERTAINLY HOPE TONIGHT
WILL HELP US FORGET

WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.

I ALREADY FORGOT WHAT
HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.

BUT THEN AGAIN,
I'M 82 YEARS OLD.

THIS MORNING I FORGOT MY
CAT'S BEEN DEAD FOR 20 YEARS.

WHICH MAKES ME WONDER:
WHO'S USING THE KITTY LITTER?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HELLO. COME IN.

OH, MURRAY, WHAT A SNAZZY TUX.

I BETTER NOT LET YOU
OUT OF MY SIGHT TONIGHT.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER DOROTHY,
AND THESE ARE HER FRIENDS.

EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MURRAY GUTTMAN.

HOW DO YOU DO?

MURRAY, SUCH A
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

DOROTHY, COULD I SEE YOU
IN THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND?

WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.

- WE DO?
- YES.

MURRAY GUTTMAN?

OH. MAYBE WE CAN GET HIM
TO TURN HIS JACKET INSIDE OUT.

I'M SURE THE
LINING ISN'T AS LOUD.

HIS TUXEDO HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE CAN'T COME TO THE CLUB.

- WHY NOT?
- GUTTMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GUTTMAN. HE'S JEWISH, ISN'T HE?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

OH, A BIG DIFFERENCE. THE
MORTIMER CLUB IS RESTRICTED.

BARBARA, WHY ARE YOU A
MEMBER OF A CLUB LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE THEY SERVE A GREAT
BREAKFAST AND THE PARKING IS FREE.

BESIDES, IT'S THEIR
POLICY, NOT MINE.

YEAH, BUT YOU TOLERATE IT.

DOROTHY, I TOLERATE
A LOT OF THINGS.

FOR INSTANCE, I'M TOLERATING THIS
EVENING WITH ROSE AND BLANCHE

BECAUSE OF MY
FRIENDSHIP WITH YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M HEARING THIS.

LET'S NOT MAKE A
BIG THING OUT OF THIS.

WE CAN'T GO TO THE MORTIMER CLUB.
WE'LL GO TO ANOTHER RESTAURANT.

BOY, DID I MISJUDGE YOU.
BLANCHE AND ROSE WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE NOT THE KIND OF
PERSON I WANT AS A FRIEND.

GO TO THE MORTIMER
CLUB BY YOURSELF.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.

GO TO HELL. HMM?

DOROTHY, WHAT HAPPENED?

BARBARA JUST
STORMED OUT OF HERE.

SHE'S NOT COMING BACK.

BOTH OF YOU WERE
RIGHT ABOUT HER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
I COULDN'T SEE IT.

CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? SHOULD
WE GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE?

WE BETTER. BEST FRIENDS
ARE HARD TO COME BY.

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'LL GO
TO THE MASQUERADE BALL?

YES. AND I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING.

AFTER ALL THE PRACTICE
I HAVE HAD LATELY,

I'D BE HONORED TO BE
THE HORSE'S BEHIND.

OH-OH-OH-OH!