The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 11 - Three on a Couch - full transcript
The girls go to group therapy to deal with the growing problems in their friendship.
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
OH, HELLO. WE HAVE A 2:00
APPOINTMENT WITH DR. ASHLEY.
THE NAME IS ZBORNAK.
MY NAME'S NOT ZBORNAK.
MY NAME IS DEVEREAUX.
BUT THE APPOINTMENT IS
IN THE NAME OF ZBORNAK.
WHY YOUR NAME? IT WAS
MY IDEA TO GET COUNSELING.
FINE. TAKE THE APPOINTMENT FOR
ZBORNAK AND CHANGE IT TO NYLUND.
YOU SATISFIED?
NO! THE APPOINTMENT
SHOULD BE UNDER DEVEREAUX.
THE APPOINTMENT
SHOULD BE UNDER NYLUND.
CHANGE IT BACK TO ZBORNAK.
PUT IT UNDER LIPSCHITZ
AND BUZZ THE HEAD SHRINKER.
WE GOT AN EMERGENCY HERE.
[DOOR OPENS]
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
I'M DR. ASHLEY.
WON'T YOU COME INTO MY OFFICE.
I'M SOPHIA PETRILLO, AND MY
IDEA OF A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST
IS A BARTENDER WHO
POURS WITHOUT A SPOUT.
- DOCTOR, I'M DOROTHY ZBORNAK.
- DOROTHY.
- I'M ROSE NYLUND.
- ROSE.
I'M BLANCHE DEVEREAUX, AND
IT'S NOT PERTINENT AT THE MOMENT,
BUT I'M DOUBLE-JOINTED.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
DR. ASHLEY, THE REASON WE
CAME TO THE COUNSELING CENTER
IS THAT WE'RE ROOMMATES
HAVING PROBLEMS AT HOME
THAT WE NEED TO WORK OUT.
BEFORE WE GET TO
THE NITTY-GRITTY,
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELVES.
FINE. I'M A TEACHER.
I'M DIVORCED.
[BLANCHE] I'M A WIDOW.
NO MAN WOULD LEAVE ME
UNLESS HE ABSOLUTELY HAD TO.
I'M 41 YEARS OLD,
I'M 5'6", I WEIGH 108 POUNDS,
AND MY HAIR IS ITS NATURAL HUE.
SURE, BLANCHE. YOURS AND LUCY'S.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, ROSE?
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
I USE A TOUCH OF PEROXIDE.
- OH, SHUT UP, ROSE.
- YOU SHUT UP.
NOW, STOP IT. STOP IT! I
CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!
YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T STAND?
THAT PHONY ACCENT OF YOURS.
WHAT IS THIS, DESIGNING WOMEN?
DOCTOR, WE HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS,
AND WE'RE GETTING ON
EACH OTHER'S NERVES.
WHY IS THAT?
- DOROTHY IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO LIVE WITH.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
THE REAL PROBLEM
IS YOU, BLANCHE.
YOU ARE SELFISH.
OH, PLEASE. EVERYBODY SAYS
WHAT A GIVING PERSON I AM.
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT WHEN
YOU'RE IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION.
DOROTHY, WOULD YOU CARE TO GIVE
AN EXAMPLE OF HOW BLANCHE IS SELFISH?
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
LET'S SAY, OH,
ABOUT A MONTH AGO,
I WAS NOT FEELING VERY
WELL. I WAS SICK AS A DOG.
[DOOR OPENS]
I'LL BE READY TO GO IN A MINUTE.
I HAD HANNAH DO MY MAKEUP
WHILE MY PEDICURE WAS DRYING,
SO ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS CHANGE MY SHOES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THINK I'M DYING.
BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS 104 FEVER
MAY BE CLOUDING MY JUDGMENT.
HONEY, LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE
WEARING. YOU CAN'T GO LIKE THAT.
I THINK THE FUNERAL HOME HAS
SOMEONE WHO HANDLES THAT.
BUT THANK YOU FOR CARING.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
OUR DOUBLE DATE.
GOOD GRIEF! THIS PLACE
LOOKS LIKE A HOSPITAL WARD.
DON'T YOU KNOW MIKE AND
LARRY WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE?
BLANCHE, I CAN'T GO
OUT TONIGHT. LOOK AT ME.
BUT, DOROTHY, YOU'VE
LOOKED MUCH WORSE THAN THIS.
REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU
GAVE YOURSELF A HOME PERM,
BURNT YOUR HAIR TO THE ROOTS AND
ENDED UP LOOKING LIKE BUCKWHEAT?
I MEANT, BLANCHE,
THAT I AM SICK.
I CAN BARELY STAND.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO GO ON WITHOUT ME.
GO ON WITHOUT YOU?
THIS IS NOT A WAGON TRAIN.
THIS IS A DOUBLE DATE.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
IT'S BOTH OF US OR NOTHING.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO
CANCEL YOUR DATE, TOO.
CANCEL MY DATE? WITH LARRY?
DOROTHY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN INHALING THIS VAPORUB?
BLANCHE...
DOROTHY, I HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR LARRY TO ASK ME OUT
EVER SINCE OUR EYES FIRST
MET AT DEL'S ROUTE 1 CHEVRON...
AND I CLIMBED UP ON
THE HOOD OF HIS LEBARON
AND WROTE MY PHONE
NUMBER ON HIS WINDSHIELD
WITH THE HEEL OF
MY PAPPAGALLO PUMP.
ISN'T THAT HOW MRS. SIMPSON
MET THE DUKE OF WINDSOR?
DOROTHY, YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD
DOUBLE-DATE WITH LARRY'S FRIEND MIKE.
I AM HOLDING YOU
TO THAT PROMISE.
- BLANCHE, I'M SICK.
- OH, YOU JUST HAVE A COLD.
[COUGHING, WHEEZING]
SEE? YOU JUST HAVE A
LITTLE TICKLE IN YOUR THROAT.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON! LET'S GO!
- BLANCHE, PLEASE!
PLEASE! MY BODY ACHES.
SO DOES MINE, HONEY. THAT'S
WHY I WANNA GO OUT ON THIS DATE.
BLANCHE, I AM MISERABLE!
IT IS MIND OVER MATTER.
NOW, YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU CAN GET UP. YOU
FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
YOU'RE NOT SICK ANYMORE.
YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF!
WALK, DOROTHY! WALK!
JUST BECAUSE YOU PUT YOUR
MAKEUP ON WITH A BUTTER KNIFE
DOESN'T MAKE YOU TAMMY BAKKER.
OH, FORGET IT, BLANCHE.
I'M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF BECAUSE YOU
HAVE THE HOTS FOR SOME GUY IN A FANCY CAR.
DOROTHY, LARRY IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU PICKED HIM UP
AT A GAS STATION.
HE MUST'VE BEEN IMPRESSED
WITH YOUR SPARE TIRE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
ARE DOING THIS TO ME.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE SO SELFISH.
HERE, PUSSYCAT. DRINK THIS.
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
OH, MA, ANOTHER HOT TODDY?
I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
SHUT UP AND DRINK.
THIS IS THE FOURTH ONE.
THAT'S A LOT OF WHISKEY.
I ONLY PUT WHISKEY IN
THE FIRST ONE. WE RAN OUT.
OH.
THE SECOND AND THIRD WERE VODKA.
[GROANS] NO WONDER
MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
THIS ONE'S PART
AMARETTO, PART SAMBUCA.
THAT SHOULD KILL EVERYTHING.
KILLED YOUR FATHER.
DOROTHY? DOROTHY!
SHE'S OUT COLD. THE FEVER
TAKES A LOT OUT OF YOU.
SOPHIA, HELP ME GET
HER INTO THE BEDROOM.
I THINK SHE'S COMFORTABLE HERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL JUST
PROP HER UP A LITTLE.
MIKE'S NOT THAT PARTICULAR.
HE JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.
I SPENT THE EVENING GOING
IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS
WHILE A GUY WITH A SILVER TOOTH
AND A SCORPION TATTOO ON HIS ARM
TRIED TO GROPE ME
THROUGH THE VICKS VAPORUB.
OH, STOP YOUR COMPLAINING.
MIKE WAS A VERY NICE MAN.
HE BURNED DOWN A
DINER IN ARKANSAS
BECAUSE HIS EGGS WERE RUNNY.
BLANCHE, YOU OWE
DOROTHY AN APOLOGY.
- SHUT UP, ROSE.
- DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP.
OKAY, I WILL. SHUT UP, ROSE.
YOU SEE THE WAY THEY PICK ON ME?
THEY'RE ALWAYS TELLING
ME TO SHUT UP. WHY IS THAT?
- WELL, IT COULD BE...
- EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH,
- ROSE...
- THEY JUMP ON ME.
THEY SAY I BABBLE. I DON'T
BABBLE. PEOPLE WHO BABBLE...
SHUT UP, ROSE!
I MEAN I THINK THINGS
WOULD BE MORE PRODUCTIVE
IF WE CONDUCTED THINGS
IN A MORE ORDERLY FASHION.
BUT YOU SEE WHAT WE PUT
UP WITH. SHE'S AN AIRHEAD.
OH, YEAH? WELL,
YOU'RE A BARBELL.
THAT'S A DUMBBELL, YOU TWIT!
LADIES, LADIES,
PLEASE CALM DOWN.
WHO CAN GIVE US AN
EXAMPLE THAT WILL ILLUSTRATE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO SAY ABOUT ROSE?
IF YOU MEAN THAT SHE'S AN IDIOT,
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.
DOROTHY WAS ON VACATION,
LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME JOB,
SO SHE ASKS ROSE TO PUT
HER AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS.
WELL, THAT WAS A MISTAKE
TO BEGIN WITH RIGHT AWAY.
ROSE, IT IS NOT HERE.
LOOK AGAIN. IT HAS TO BE.
I HAVE READ EVERY WANT AD
IN THE PAPER. MINE IS NOT HERE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DROPPED IT
OVER AT THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE?
YOU TOLD ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU
WANTED ME TO DO A DOZEN TIMES.
ANY IDIOT COULD'VE DONE IT.
I KNOW, BUT YOU WERE THE
ONLY ONE GOING DOWNTOWN.
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU DROPPED
IT OFF AT THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE?
YES. SIX PEOPLE CALLED
WHILE YOU WERE OUT.
GIVE THAT TO ME. I'LL
TRY AND FIND IT FOR YOU.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- DOROTHY?
- HAVE WE MET?
NOT YET. I'M HERE BECAUSE
OF YOUR AD IN THE PAPER:
"WILLING TO DO ANYTHING,
$8.00 AN HOUR, NO
JOB TOO BIG OR SMALL."
OF COURSE. PLEASE COME IN.
I DIDN'T EXPECT PEOPLE
TO ACTUALLY COME HERE.
I JUST FIGURED THAT I
WOULD BE GOING TO THEM.
THAT'S THE WAY IT'LL
WORK IN THE FUTURE
WHEN MY VIDEO CAMERA
GETS BACK FROM THE SHOP.
SO WHAT TYPE OF WORK IS IT
THAT YOU NEED DONE, MR., UH...
- TOTO.
- MR. TOTO.
OH, NO "MISTER." JUST TOTO.
YOU'RE DOROTHY, AND I'M TOTO.
AT LEAST FOR THE NEXT $8.00.
DOROTHY, YOU OWE ME AN
APOLOGY. YOUR AD'S RIGHT HERE.
OH, ROSE, THIS IS THE
PERSONALS COLUMN.
- SO WHAT?
- SO WHAT?
YOU PUT AN AD IN THE PERSONALS
THAT SAID I WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR $8.00 AN HOUR?
LOOK. IT'S RIGHT UNDER
AN AD THAT READS,
"HISTORY PROFESSOR SEEKING
NONSMOKING ORIENTAL WOMAN
"WHO IS INTO WESSON OIL
AND BEARS A RESEMBLANCE
TO FLORENCE HENDERSON."
- IS THAT SIGNED "DOUG"?
- YES.
I KNOW HIM. HE'S A SICK MAN.
WELL, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
FOR THIS MIX-UP. GOOD-BYE.
OH, MY GOD! I
DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS
IF YOU DON'T GET OUT
OF HERE, YOU PERVERT!
HI, FATHER ROSSI.
HERE'S THE CANNED
GOODS FOR THE NEEDY.
OH, NO.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I PROMISE I WILL SAY HAIL MARYS
UNTIL MADONNA HAS A HIT MOVIE.
HI. HERE'S MY $8.00. LET'S
GET STARTED, DOROTHY.
OH, I'M NOT DOROTHY. SHE IS.
I'LL GIVE YOU $4.00.
LET'S GET STARTED.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR REAR
END KICKED ACROSS THE STREET?
GREAT! HERE'S THE OTHER $4.00!
GIRLS! GIRLS!
THERE IS A BUSLOAD OF
GREEK SAILORS OUT FRONT.
THEY WANNA KNOW HOW MANY
DRACHMA THERE ARE IN $8.00.
I KNOW IT DIDN'T TURN OUT WELL,
BUT IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.
BESIDES, SOMETHING
GOOD CAME OUT OF IT.
WE LEARNED TO MAKE SOUVLAKI.
THE POINT IS, ROSE, YOU DO THIS
KIND OF STUPID THING ALL THE TIME.
IF YOU'RE NOT DOING
SOMETHING STUPID,
YOU'RE SAYING SOMETHING STUPID
OR WEARING SOMETHING STUPID
OR COOKING SOMETHING STUPID.
ROSE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
BLANCHE SAYING THESE THINGS?
I THINK SHE'S A GARCONANOKIN.
WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN?
LITERALLY, IT'S THE PRECISE
MOMENT WHEN DOG DOO TURNS WHITE.
BUT IN GENERAL, IT REFERS
TO THE KIND OF PERSON
YOU DON'T WANNA SHARE
YOUR HOOGENCOGGLES WITH.
ROSE, IF YOU SAY ONE MORE
OF THOSE STUPID WORDS...
BLOW IT OUT YOUR TUBENBURBLES!
[ARGUING]
IF I HAVE TO LIVE WITH
HER ONE MORE WEEK...
LADIES! LADIES, PLEASE!
NOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET
ANYTHING MORE ACCOMPLISHED
UNLESS YOU SIT DOWN, TAKE IT
EASY AND DISCUSS THIS RATIONALLY
USING ONLY ENGLISH WORDS.
NOW, WE TALKED ABOUT ROSE.
WE TALKED ABOUT BLANCHE.
NOBODY HAS SAID A
WORD ABOUT DOROTHY.
THEY'RE AFRAID OF HER.
NO, WE ARE NOT. BUT WE DO
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER.
WELL, WHAT SPECIFICALLY
IS IT ABOUT DOROTHY
THAT IS DISRUPTIVE
TO THE HOUSEHOLD?
IT'S NOTHING SPECIFIC. IT'S
HER ENTIRE GENERAL ATTITUDE.
YEAH, LIKE THAT TIME A COUPLE
WEEKS AGO, WEEK BEFORE LAST.
- [KNOCKING]
- COME IN.
- HI, DOROTHY.
- OH, HI, ROSE.
HOW'S THE STUDYING GOING?
I HAVE A LOT TO COVER. I'M
GONNA BE UP FOR A WHILE.
OKAY. I'LL KEEP YOU COMPANY.
I DON'T WANT ANY COMPANY.
JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.
OH, GOODY. A SLUMBER
PARTY. MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SOMETHING'S THE MATTER?
OKAY, I WANNA SEE SIX HANDS
ABOVE THAT BLANKET RIGHT NOW!
THE ONLY REASON WE'RE IN BED
WITH DOROTHY IS... WE'RE SCARED.
SCARED? OF WHAT?
DOROTHY, DON'T YOU LAUGH,
BUT... WE'RE SCARED OF THE ALIENS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD
YOU NOT TO CALL THEM "THE ALIENS"?
THEY ARE THE CHUNGS, AND
THEY HAPPEN TO BE VERY NICE.
THEY'RE NOT VERY
NICE. THEY EAT DOGS.
MA, THEY DO NOT EAT DOGS.
RIGHT. IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT
NOT ONE EVER PEES ON THEIR LAWN.
MA, YOU MADE THAT UP.
SOPHIA, WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT THEM ANYWAY.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE
ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE.
OH, THOSE ALIENS.
GET OUT, BOTH OF YOU!
HAVE A HEART. ROSE AND I
RENTED THAT MOVIE ALIENS,
AND IT JUST SCARED
US HALF TO DEATH.
SCARED ME, TOO. THAT
SIGOURNEY WEAVER'S A SWEET GIRL,
BUT SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T
GO WITHOUT MAKEUP.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
NOW, I HAVE MY EDUCATION
EXAM TOMORROW MORNING.
- YOU'RE KICKING US OUT?
- ROSE, I HAVE TO STUDY.
THAT'S MY DOROTHY. ALWAYS
WITH HER NOSE IN A BOOK.
UNLIKE YOUR BROTHER PHIL, WHO WAS
WITH HIS NOSE IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES HAMPER.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
WOULD BE SO COLD-BLOODED
AS TO CAST OUT YOUR
TWO DEAREST FRIENDS
IN THIS, THEIR TIME OF NEED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE TWO
OF YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE
THAT YOU WOULD DISTURB ME
WITH SOMETHING THIS RIDICULOUS
WHEN YOU KNOW HOW
IMPORTANT MY EXAM IS.
IF I DON'T PASS IT, I
DON'T GET MY RAISE.
- THAT'S IT. EVERYBODY OUT.
- SOPHIA, WE'RE SCARED!
I'M SCARED WE WON'T BE ABLE
TO AFFORD MEAT ON THE TABLE.
YOU WANNA WIND UP SWAPPING
RECIPES WITH THE CHUNGS?
OUT! OUT!
LADIES, I'M NOT
SURE I UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, SUBTITLES?
WHAT I MEAN IS DOROTHY
WAS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.
YOU WERE PESTERING HER.
SHE WAS MORE THAN PATIENT.
EXACTLY. AND I'VE HAD
IT UP TO HERE WITH HER.
IT'S NOT EASY LIVING WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S ALWAYS SO TOGETHER.
SHE'S SO EFFICIENT,
SO ORGANIZED.
SHE EVEN BALANCES HER CHECKBOOK.
SINCE WHEN IS
COMPETENCE A CRIME?
LOOK, DOROTHY CANNOT BE
BLAMED FOR BEING CAPABLE.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
TO LORD IT OVER US
AND CRITICIZE US FOR NOT
LIVING UP TO HER STANDARDS.
SHE'S ALWAYS HARPING ON US
TO DO EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED SHE DOESN'T CHECK OUR
UNDERWEAR BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE.
THOSE OF YOU WHO WEAR UNDERWEAR.
MAYBE I AM A PERFECTIONIST
AND MAYBE I DO TAKE CHARGE,
BUT IF I DID NOT, OUR WHOLE
HOUSEHOLD WOULD FALL APART.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, DOCTOR,
I'M THE GLUE THAT KEEPS
THESE WOMEN TOGETHER,
AND I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED.
OH, MA, PLEASE!
LOOK, YOU MAY BE
SMART, BUT I'M WISE.
WHEN IT COMES TO A REAL PROBLEM,
I'M THE ONE WHO HAS
TO SET IT STRAIGHT.
LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY, DOCTOR.
[DOOR CLOSES]
SOPHIA, ARE YOU BUSY?
NO. JUST DRAWING A LINE ON
THE MILK OF MAGNESIA BOTTLE.
WHY?
THE GARDENER'S BEEN
SNEAKING A FEW SIPS.
I HAVE A PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. TAKE A SIP.
I'LL DRAW ANOTHER LINE.
NO. IT'S NOT THAT.
MY BOSS AT THE CENTER
MADE A PASS AT ME.
MAYBE YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE DO?
HE CALLED ME IN HIS OFFICE, THREW
ME ON THE COUCH AND KISSED ME.
THAT'S A PASS.
OKAY, I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU A STORY, ROSE.
PICTURE IT: SICILY, 1922.
SOPHIA, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I SAW THE GUY I'VE BEEN DATING
OUT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I OUGHTA DO?
SIT DOWN AND
PICTURE SICILY, 1922.
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES,
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.
IT WAS SICILY, 1922.
OH, MA, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
JUST SIT DOWN AND LISTEN.
FIRST, IS EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN
THIS HOUSE HERE AT THIS MOMENT?
- YES.
- THEN FOR THE LAST TIME,
PICTURE IT:
SICILY, 1922.
A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN WITH
BREASTS NOT UNLIKE BRIGITTE NIELSEN,
EXCEPT HERS MOVED
WHEN SHE SKIPPED,
SHE COMES WALKING DOWN A
PICTURESQUE COUNTRY ROAD
WHEN SUDDENLY A YELLOW ROLLS-ROYCE
PULLS UP AND BLOCKS HER PATH.
OH! WHO WAS IN THE ROLLS?
ROBERT GOULET, FOR ALL I KNOW.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.
ANYWAY, THE
ROLLS-ROYCE MOVES ON,
AND THE GIRL FINDS HER
PEPPERONI IS MISSING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT, SOPHIA?
BAMBI ATE IT. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
YOU KEEP MISSING THE
POINT. THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
SHE HAS NO PEPPERONI TO
BRING TO HER FAMILY'S TABLE.
SHE GETS HYSTERICAL.
SHE STARTS TO RUN.
SHE RUNS THROUGH THE FIELD,
THE MEADOW, OVER THE HILL
UNTIL SHE COMES
TO A RAGING RIVER
FILLED WITH PEPPERONI
SWIMMING UPSTREAM.
MA, PEPPERONI SWIMMING UPSTREAM?
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S ODD. PEPPERONI
IS A LAND MEAT, BUT THERE IT WAS.
SHE WADES INTO THE
RIVER, GRABS AN ARMFUL
AND RACES HOME
TO FEED HER FAMILY.
WHEN SHE TELLS THE STORY,
THEY THINK IT'S AN ACT OF GOD.
BUT AS IT TURNED OUT, A
DISGRUNTLED PEPPERONI STUFFER
HAD BLOWN UP THE FACTORY
IN A NEIGHBORING TOWN,
CAUSING PEPPERONI TO RAIN DOWN
OVER A HUNDRED SQUARE MILES,
WHICH IS WHERE THE
OLD SICILIAN SAYING
"IT'S RAINING CATS AND
PEPPERONI" COMES FROM.
IS THIS HELPING ANYONE YET?
BECAUSE THIS SURE FEELS
LIKE AN ENDING TO ME.
IT'S HELPING ME, SOPHIA.
WHAT I GOT OUT OF THE STORY
WAS THAT I SHOULD TAKE A BAD
SITUATION AND MAKE IT BETTER.
I'M GONNA TELL MY BOSS OFF.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I GOT OUT OF IT.
YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL ME
TO DUMP MY CHEATING BOYFRIEND
BECAUSE THERE'S LOTS
OF PEPPERONI IN THE SEA.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU.
THANK YOU, SOPHIA.
HOW ABOUT YOU, DOROTHY?
DID I HELP WITH YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU SURE DID, MA. I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER.
HOW ABOUT SPLITTING
A PEPPERONI PIZZA?
SURE. YOU BUYING?
DOES A PEPPERONI SWIM UPSTREAM?
DID ONCE. LET'S GO.
I'M AFRAID I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, SOPHIA.
THEY LOOK UP TO YOU.
THEY SEEK YOUR ADVICE.
THEY RESPECT YOUR OPINION.
WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR COMPLAINT?
THAT I DON'T GET
$150 AN HOUR LIKE YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
IN MY EXPERIENCE, MOST DOMESTIC
PROBLEMS CAN USUALLY BE RESOLVED
THROUGH A WILLINGNESS TO
COOPERATE AND SOME HARD WORK.
YOU'RE SAYING IF WE BECOME
MORE TOLERANT OF EACH OTHER,
WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT?
IN YOUR CASE, THERE'S
REALLY NO POINT.
YOU ARE TOTALLY INCOMPATIBLE.
WHAT?
YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE.
YOU BRING OUT THE WORST
TRAITS IN EACH OTHER.
I'M SURPRISED YOU WERE
ABLE TO LIVE TOGETHER
THIS LONG WITHOUT
KILLING EACH OTHER.
BUT, DR. ASHLEY, WE CAME
HERE FOR YOU TO HELP US.
LADIES, I LIKE YOU.
SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR
THE MOVING EXPENSES.
WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HEAR, BUT...
[SIGHS] YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I KNEW YOU WERE A QUACK. IF
YOU WERE A LEGITIMATE SHRINK,
YOU WOULD'VE STRUNG
US ALONG FOR MONTHS.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS
TOMORROW MORNING
WE CAN START TO PACK, CAN'T WE?
YEAH, I GUESS SO. THAT'S
PROBABLY THE BEST THING.
UH, DR. ASHLEY WAS
RIGHT, WASN'T HE?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
'CAUSE... IT DOESN'T MEAN
WE CAN'T STILL BE FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, WE'LL
VISIT EACH OTHER.
IT'S JUST THAT WE
CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER.
RIGHT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
GOING OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
INTERESTING.
YOU THINK THAT'S
WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
THEN YOU THINK WE
SHOULD STAY TOGETHER.
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT EITHER.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU A STORY.
PICTURE IT: MIAMI, 1987.
A HOUSE, THE ONLY ONE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT A POOL.
BUT I DIGRESS.
FOUR WOMEN, FRIENDS.
THEY LAUGH, THEY CRY, THEY EAT.
THEY LOVE, THEY HATE, THEY EAT.
THEY DREAM, THEY HOPE, THEY EAT.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN
AROUND, THEY EAT.
SOPHIA, ARE THOSE FOUR WOMEN US?
LOOK IN THE MIRROR,
BLUBBER-BUTT.
THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS LIVING.
JUST BECAUSE YOU
HAVE SOME ROUGH TIMES
DOESN'T MEAN YOU
THROW IN THE TOWEL.
YOU GO ON LIVING... AND EATING.
I'LL GET THE CHEESECAKE.
I'LL GET THE WHIPPED CREAM.
I'LL GET THE CHOCOLATE SYRUP.
I'LL GET THE POLAROID.
THIS IS A TIME TO REMEMBER.
MA, YOU DON'T HAVE A POLAROID.
I'LL GET MINE. IT'S
UNDER MY BED.
I HAVE TO GO IN THERE FOR
THE WHIPPED CREAM ANYWAY.
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
OH, HELLO. WE HAVE A 2:00
APPOINTMENT WITH DR. ASHLEY.
THE NAME IS ZBORNAK.
MY NAME'S NOT ZBORNAK.
MY NAME IS DEVEREAUX.
BUT THE APPOINTMENT IS
IN THE NAME OF ZBORNAK.
WHY YOUR NAME? IT WAS
MY IDEA TO GET COUNSELING.
FINE. TAKE THE APPOINTMENT FOR
ZBORNAK AND CHANGE IT TO NYLUND.
YOU SATISFIED?
NO! THE APPOINTMENT
SHOULD BE UNDER DEVEREAUX.
THE APPOINTMENT
SHOULD BE UNDER NYLUND.
CHANGE IT BACK TO ZBORNAK.
PUT IT UNDER LIPSCHITZ
AND BUZZ THE HEAD SHRINKER.
WE GOT AN EMERGENCY HERE.
[DOOR OPENS]
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
I'M DR. ASHLEY.
WON'T YOU COME INTO MY OFFICE.
I'M SOPHIA PETRILLO, AND MY
IDEA OF A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST
IS A BARTENDER WHO
POURS WITHOUT A SPOUT.
- DOCTOR, I'M DOROTHY ZBORNAK.
- DOROTHY.
- I'M ROSE NYLUND.
- ROSE.
I'M BLANCHE DEVEREAUX, AND
IT'S NOT PERTINENT AT THE MOMENT,
BUT I'M DOUBLE-JOINTED.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
DR. ASHLEY, THE REASON WE
CAME TO THE COUNSELING CENTER
IS THAT WE'RE ROOMMATES
HAVING PROBLEMS AT HOME
THAT WE NEED TO WORK OUT.
BEFORE WE GET TO
THE NITTY-GRITTY,
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELVES.
FINE. I'M A TEACHER.
I'M DIVORCED.
[BLANCHE] I'M A WIDOW.
NO MAN WOULD LEAVE ME
UNLESS HE ABSOLUTELY HAD TO.
I'M 41 YEARS OLD,
I'M 5'6", I WEIGH 108 POUNDS,
AND MY HAIR IS ITS NATURAL HUE.
SURE, BLANCHE. YOURS AND LUCY'S.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, ROSE?
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
I USE A TOUCH OF PEROXIDE.
- OH, SHUT UP, ROSE.
- YOU SHUT UP.
NOW, STOP IT. STOP IT! I
CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!
YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T STAND?
THAT PHONY ACCENT OF YOURS.
WHAT IS THIS, DESIGNING WOMEN?
DOCTOR, WE HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS,
AND WE'RE GETTING ON
EACH OTHER'S NERVES.
WHY IS THAT?
- DOROTHY IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO LIVE WITH.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
THE REAL PROBLEM
IS YOU, BLANCHE.
YOU ARE SELFISH.
OH, PLEASE. EVERYBODY SAYS
WHAT A GIVING PERSON I AM.
SHE'S TALKING ABOUT WHEN
YOU'RE IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION.
DOROTHY, WOULD YOU CARE TO GIVE
AN EXAMPLE OF HOW BLANCHE IS SELFISH?
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
LET'S SAY, OH,
ABOUT A MONTH AGO,
I WAS NOT FEELING VERY
WELL. I WAS SICK AS A DOG.
[DOOR OPENS]
I'LL BE READY TO GO IN A MINUTE.
I HAD HANNAH DO MY MAKEUP
WHILE MY PEDICURE WAS DRYING,
SO ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS CHANGE MY SHOES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I THINK I'M DYING.
BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS 104 FEVER
MAY BE CLOUDING MY JUDGMENT.
HONEY, LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE
WEARING. YOU CAN'T GO LIKE THAT.
I THINK THE FUNERAL HOME HAS
SOMEONE WHO HANDLES THAT.
BUT THANK YOU FOR CARING.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
OUR DOUBLE DATE.
GOOD GRIEF! THIS PLACE
LOOKS LIKE A HOSPITAL WARD.
DON'T YOU KNOW MIKE AND
LARRY WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE?
BLANCHE, I CAN'T GO
OUT TONIGHT. LOOK AT ME.
BUT, DOROTHY, YOU'VE
LOOKED MUCH WORSE THAN THIS.
REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU
GAVE YOURSELF A HOME PERM,
BURNT YOUR HAIR TO THE ROOTS AND
ENDED UP LOOKING LIKE BUCKWHEAT?
I MEANT, BLANCHE,
THAT I AM SICK.
I CAN BARELY STAND.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO GO ON WITHOUT ME.
GO ON WITHOUT YOU?
THIS IS NOT A WAGON TRAIN.
THIS IS A DOUBLE DATE.
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
IT'S BOTH OF US OR NOTHING.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO
CANCEL YOUR DATE, TOO.
CANCEL MY DATE? WITH LARRY?
DOROTHY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN INHALING THIS VAPORUB?
BLANCHE...
DOROTHY, I HAVE BEEN WAITING
FOR LARRY TO ASK ME OUT
EVER SINCE OUR EYES FIRST
MET AT DEL'S ROUTE 1 CHEVRON...
AND I CLIMBED UP ON
THE HOOD OF HIS LEBARON
AND WROTE MY PHONE
NUMBER ON HIS WINDSHIELD
WITH THE HEEL OF
MY PAPPAGALLO PUMP.
ISN'T THAT HOW MRS. SIMPSON
MET THE DUKE OF WINDSOR?
DOROTHY, YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD
DOUBLE-DATE WITH LARRY'S FRIEND MIKE.
I AM HOLDING YOU
TO THAT PROMISE.
- BLANCHE, I'M SICK.
- OH, YOU JUST HAVE A COLD.
[COUGHING, WHEEZING]
SEE? YOU JUST HAVE A
LITTLE TICKLE IN YOUR THROAT.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON! LET'S GO!
- BLANCHE, PLEASE!
PLEASE! MY BODY ACHES.
SO DOES MINE, HONEY. THAT'S
WHY I WANNA GO OUT ON THIS DATE.
BLANCHE, I AM MISERABLE!
IT IS MIND OVER MATTER.
NOW, YOU CAN DO IT.
YOU CAN GET UP. YOU
FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
YOU'RE NOT SICK ANYMORE.
YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF!
WALK, DOROTHY! WALK!
JUST BECAUSE YOU PUT YOUR
MAKEUP ON WITH A BUTTER KNIFE
DOESN'T MAKE YOU TAMMY BAKKER.
OH, FORGET IT, BLANCHE.
I'M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF BECAUSE YOU
HAVE THE HOTS FOR SOME GUY IN A FANCY CAR.
DOROTHY, LARRY IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU PICKED HIM UP
AT A GAS STATION.
HE MUST'VE BEEN IMPRESSED
WITH YOUR SPARE TIRE.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
ARE DOING THIS TO ME.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE SO SELFISH.
HERE, PUSSYCAT. DRINK THIS.
IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
OH, MA, ANOTHER HOT TODDY?
I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
SHUT UP AND DRINK.
THIS IS THE FOURTH ONE.
THAT'S A LOT OF WHISKEY.
I ONLY PUT WHISKEY IN
THE FIRST ONE. WE RAN OUT.
OH.
THE SECOND AND THIRD WERE VODKA.
[GROANS] NO WONDER
MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
THIS ONE'S PART
AMARETTO, PART SAMBUCA.
THAT SHOULD KILL EVERYTHING.
KILLED YOUR FATHER.
DOROTHY? DOROTHY!
SHE'S OUT COLD. THE FEVER
TAKES A LOT OUT OF YOU.
SOPHIA, HELP ME GET
HER INTO THE BEDROOM.
I THINK SHE'S COMFORTABLE HERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL JUST
PROP HER UP A LITTLE.
MIKE'S NOT THAT PARTICULAR.
HE JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.
I SPENT THE EVENING GOING
IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS
WHILE A GUY WITH A SILVER TOOTH
AND A SCORPION TATTOO ON HIS ARM
TRIED TO GROPE ME
THROUGH THE VICKS VAPORUB.
OH, STOP YOUR COMPLAINING.
MIKE WAS A VERY NICE MAN.
HE BURNED DOWN A
DINER IN ARKANSAS
BECAUSE HIS EGGS WERE RUNNY.
BLANCHE, YOU OWE
DOROTHY AN APOLOGY.
- SHUT UP, ROSE.
- DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP.
OKAY, I WILL. SHUT UP, ROSE.
YOU SEE THE WAY THEY PICK ON ME?
THEY'RE ALWAYS TELLING
ME TO SHUT UP. WHY IS THAT?
- WELL, IT COULD BE...
- EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH,
- ROSE...
- THEY JUMP ON ME.
THEY SAY I BABBLE. I DON'T
BABBLE. PEOPLE WHO BABBLE...
SHUT UP, ROSE!
I MEAN I THINK THINGS
WOULD BE MORE PRODUCTIVE
IF WE CONDUCTED THINGS
IN A MORE ORDERLY FASHION.
BUT YOU SEE WHAT WE PUT
UP WITH. SHE'S AN AIRHEAD.
OH, YEAH? WELL,
YOU'RE A BARBELL.
THAT'S A DUMBBELL, YOU TWIT!
LADIES, LADIES,
PLEASE CALM DOWN.
WHO CAN GIVE US AN
EXAMPLE THAT WILL ILLUSTRATE
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO SAY ABOUT ROSE?
IF YOU MEAN THAT SHE'S AN IDIOT,
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.
DOROTHY WAS ON VACATION,
LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME JOB,
SO SHE ASKS ROSE TO PUT
HER AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS.
WELL, THAT WAS A MISTAKE
TO BEGIN WITH RIGHT AWAY.
ROSE, IT IS NOT HERE.
LOOK AGAIN. IT HAS TO BE.
I HAVE READ EVERY WANT AD
IN THE PAPER. MINE IS NOT HERE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DROPPED IT
OVER AT THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE?
YOU TOLD ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU
WANTED ME TO DO A DOZEN TIMES.
ANY IDIOT COULD'VE DONE IT.
I KNOW, BUT YOU WERE THE
ONLY ONE GOING DOWNTOWN.
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU DROPPED
IT OFF AT THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE?
YES. SIX PEOPLE CALLED
WHILE YOU WERE OUT.
GIVE THAT TO ME. I'LL
TRY AND FIND IT FOR YOU.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- DOROTHY?
- HAVE WE MET?
NOT YET. I'M HERE BECAUSE
OF YOUR AD IN THE PAPER:
"WILLING TO DO ANYTHING,
$8.00 AN HOUR, NO
JOB TOO BIG OR SMALL."
OF COURSE. PLEASE COME IN.
I DIDN'T EXPECT PEOPLE
TO ACTUALLY COME HERE.
I JUST FIGURED THAT I
WOULD BE GOING TO THEM.
THAT'S THE WAY IT'LL
WORK IN THE FUTURE
WHEN MY VIDEO CAMERA
GETS BACK FROM THE SHOP.
SO WHAT TYPE OF WORK IS IT
THAT YOU NEED DONE, MR., UH...
- TOTO.
- MR. TOTO.
OH, NO "MISTER." JUST TOTO.
YOU'RE DOROTHY, AND I'M TOTO.
AT LEAST FOR THE NEXT $8.00.
DOROTHY, YOU OWE ME AN
APOLOGY. YOUR AD'S RIGHT HERE.
OH, ROSE, THIS IS THE
PERSONALS COLUMN.
- SO WHAT?
- SO WHAT?
YOU PUT AN AD IN THE PERSONALS
THAT SAID I WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR $8.00 AN HOUR?
LOOK. IT'S RIGHT UNDER
AN AD THAT READS,
"HISTORY PROFESSOR SEEKING
NONSMOKING ORIENTAL WOMAN
"WHO IS INTO WESSON OIL
AND BEARS A RESEMBLANCE
TO FLORENCE HENDERSON."
- IS THAT SIGNED "DOUG"?
- YES.
I KNOW HIM. HE'S A SICK MAN.
WELL, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
FOR THIS MIX-UP. GOOD-BYE.
OH, MY GOD! I
DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS
IF YOU DON'T GET OUT
OF HERE, YOU PERVERT!
HI, FATHER ROSSI.
HERE'S THE CANNED
GOODS FOR THE NEEDY.
OH, NO.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I PROMISE I WILL SAY HAIL MARYS
UNTIL MADONNA HAS A HIT MOVIE.
HI. HERE'S MY $8.00. LET'S
GET STARTED, DOROTHY.
OH, I'M NOT DOROTHY. SHE IS.
I'LL GIVE YOU $4.00.
LET'S GET STARTED.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR REAR
END KICKED ACROSS THE STREET?
GREAT! HERE'S THE OTHER $4.00!
GIRLS! GIRLS!
THERE IS A BUSLOAD OF
GREEK SAILORS OUT FRONT.
THEY WANNA KNOW HOW MANY
DRACHMA THERE ARE IN $8.00.
I KNOW IT DIDN'T TURN OUT WELL,
BUT IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.
BESIDES, SOMETHING
GOOD CAME OUT OF IT.
WE LEARNED TO MAKE SOUVLAKI.
THE POINT IS, ROSE, YOU DO THIS
KIND OF STUPID THING ALL THE TIME.
IF YOU'RE NOT DOING
SOMETHING STUPID,
YOU'RE SAYING SOMETHING STUPID
OR WEARING SOMETHING STUPID
OR COOKING SOMETHING STUPID.
ROSE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
BLANCHE SAYING THESE THINGS?
I THINK SHE'S A GARCONANOKIN.
WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN?
LITERALLY, IT'S THE PRECISE
MOMENT WHEN DOG DOO TURNS WHITE.
BUT IN GENERAL, IT REFERS
TO THE KIND OF PERSON
YOU DON'T WANNA SHARE
YOUR HOOGENCOGGLES WITH.
ROSE, IF YOU SAY ONE MORE
OF THOSE STUPID WORDS...
BLOW IT OUT YOUR TUBENBURBLES!
[ARGUING]
IF I HAVE TO LIVE WITH
HER ONE MORE WEEK...
LADIES! LADIES, PLEASE!
NOW, WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET
ANYTHING MORE ACCOMPLISHED
UNLESS YOU SIT DOWN, TAKE IT
EASY AND DISCUSS THIS RATIONALLY
USING ONLY ENGLISH WORDS.
NOW, WE TALKED ABOUT ROSE.
WE TALKED ABOUT BLANCHE.
NOBODY HAS SAID A
WORD ABOUT DOROTHY.
THEY'RE AFRAID OF HER.
NO, WE ARE NOT. BUT WE DO
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER.
WELL, WHAT SPECIFICALLY
IS IT ABOUT DOROTHY
THAT IS DISRUPTIVE
TO THE HOUSEHOLD?
IT'S NOTHING SPECIFIC. IT'S
HER ENTIRE GENERAL ATTITUDE.
YEAH, LIKE THAT TIME A COUPLE
WEEKS AGO, WEEK BEFORE LAST.
- [KNOCKING]
- COME IN.
- HI, DOROTHY.
- OH, HI, ROSE.
HOW'S THE STUDYING GOING?
I HAVE A LOT TO COVER. I'M
GONNA BE UP FOR A WHILE.
OKAY. I'LL KEEP YOU COMPANY.
I DON'T WANT ANY COMPANY.
JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.
OH, GOODY. A SLUMBER
PARTY. MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SOMETHING'S THE MATTER?
OKAY, I WANNA SEE SIX HANDS
ABOVE THAT BLANKET RIGHT NOW!
THE ONLY REASON WE'RE IN BED
WITH DOROTHY IS... WE'RE SCARED.
SCARED? OF WHAT?
DOROTHY, DON'T YOU LAUGH,
BUT... WE'RE SCARED OF THE ALIENS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD
YOU NOT TO CALL THEM "THE ALIENS"?
THEY ARE THE CHUNGS, AND
THEY HAPPEN TO BE VERY NICE.
THEY'RE NOT VERY
NICE. THEY EAT DOGS.
MA, THEY DO NOT EAT DOGS.
RIGHT. IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT
NOT ONE EVER PEES ON THEIR LAWN.
MA, YOU MADE THAT UP.
SOPHIA, WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT THEM ANYWAY.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE
ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE.
OH, THOSE ALIENS.
GET OUT, BOTH OF YOU!
HAVE A HEART. ROSE AND I
RENTED THAT MOVIE ALIENS,
AND IT JUST SCARED
US HALF TO DEATH.
SCARED ME, TOO. THAT
SIGOURNEY WEAVER'S A SWEET GIRL,
BUT SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T
GO WITHOUT MAKEUP.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
NOW, I HAVE MY EDUCATION
EXAM TOMORROW MORNING.
- YOU'RE KICKING US OUT?
- ROSE, I HAVE TO STUDY.
THAT'S MY DOROTHY. ALWAYS
WITH HER NOSE IN A BOOK.
UNLIKE YOUR BROTHER PHIL, WHO WAS
WITH HIS NOSE IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES HAMPER.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
WOULD BE SO COLD-BLOODED
AS TO CAST OUT YOUR
TWO DEAREST FRIENDS
IN THIS, THEIR TIME OF NEED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE TWO
OF YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE
THAT YOU WOULD DISTURB ME
WITH SOMETHING THIS RIDICULOUS
WHEN YOU KNOW HOW
IMPORTANT MY EXAM IS.
IF I DON'T PASS IT, I
DON'T GET MY RAISE.
- THAT'S IT. EVERYBODY OUT.
- SOPHIA, WE'RE SCARED!
I'M SCARED WE WON'T BE ABLE
TO AFFORD MEAT ON THE TABLE.
YOU WANNA WIND UP SWAPPING
RECIPES WITH THE CHUNGS?
OUT! OUT!
LADIES, I'M NOT
SURE I UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, SUBTITLES?
WHAT I MEAN IS DOROTHY
WAS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.
YOU WERE PESTERING HER.
SHE WAS MORE THAN PATIENT.
EXACTLY. AND I'VE HAD
IT UP TO HERE WITH HER.
IT'S NOT EASY LIVING WITH SOMEBODY
WHO'S ALWAYS SO TOGETHER.
SHE'S SO EFFICIENT,
SO ORGANIZED.
SHE EVEN BALANCES HER CHECKBOOK.
SINCE WHEN IS
COMPETENCE A CRIME?
LOOK, DOROTHY CANNOT BE
BLAMED FOR BEING CAPABLE.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
TO LORD IT OVER US
AND CRITICIZE US FOR NOT
LIVING UP TO HER STANDARDS.
SHE'S ALWAYS HARPING ON US
TO DO EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED SHE DOESN'T CHECK OUR
UNDERWEAR BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE.
THOSE OF YOU WHO WEAR UNDERWEAR.
MAYBE I AM A PERFECTIONIST
AND MAYBE I DO TAKE CHARGE,
BUT IF I DID NOT, OUR WHOLE
HOUSEHOLD WOULD FALL APART.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, DOCTOR,
I'M THE GLUE THAT KEEPS
THESE WOMEN TOGETHER,
AND I AM TOTALLY UNAPPRECIATED.
OH, MA, PLEASE!
LOOK, YOU MAY BE
SMART, BUT I'M WISE.
WHEN IT COMES TO A REAL PROBLEM,
I'M THE ONE WHO HAS
TO SET IT STRAIGHT.
LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY, DOCTOR.
[DOOR CLOSES]
SOPHIA, ARE YOU BUSY?
NO. JUST DRAWING A LINE ON
THE MILK OF MAGNESIA BOTTLE.
WHY?
THE GARDENER'S BEEN
SNEAKING A FEW SIPS.
I HAVE A PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. TAKE A SIP.
I'LL DRAW ANOTHER LINE.
NO. IT'S NOT THAT.
MY BOSS AT THE CENTER
MADE A PASS AT ME.
MAYBE YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.
WHAT EXACTLY DID HE DO?
HE CALLED ME IN HIS OFFICE, THREW
ME ON THE COUCH AND KISSED ME.
THAT'S A PASS.
OKAY, I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU A STORY, ROSE.
PICTURE IT: SICILY, 1922.
SOPHIA, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I SAW THE GUY I'VE BEEN DATING
OUT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I OUGHTA DO?
SIT DOWN AND
PICTURE SICILY, 1922.
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES,
IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.
IT WAS SICILY, 1922.
OH, MA, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
JUST SIT DOWN AND LISTEN.
FIRST, IS EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN
THIS HOUSE HERE AT THIS MOMENT?
- YES.
- THEN FOR THE LAST TIME,
PICTURE IT:
SICILY, 1922.
A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN WITH
BREASTS NOT UNLIKE BRIGITTE NIELSEN,
EXCEPT HERS MOVED
WHEN SHE SKIPPED,
SHE COMES WALKING DOWN A
PICTURESQUE COUNTRY ROAD
WHEN SUDDENLY A YELLOW ROLLS-ROYCE
PULLS UP AND BLOCKS HER PATH.
OH! WHO WAS IN THE ROLLS?
ROBERT GOULET, FOR ALL I KNOW.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.
ANYWAY, THE
ROLLS-ROYCE MOVES ON,
AND THE GIRL FINDS HER
PEPPERONI IS MISSING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT, SOPHIA?
BAMBI ATE IT. HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
YOU KEEP MISSING THE
POINT. THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
SHE HAS NO PEPPERONI TO
BRING TO HER FAMILY'S TABLE.
SHE GETS HYSTERICAL.
SHE STARTS TO RUN.
SHE RUNS THROUGH THE FIELD,
THE MEADOW, OVER THE HILL
UNTIL SHE COMES
TO A RAGING RIVER
FILLED WITH PEPPERONI
SWIMMING UPSTREAM.
MA, PEPPERONI SWIMMING UPSTREAM?
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S ODD. PEPPERONI
IS A LAND MEAT, BUT THERE IT WAS.
SHE WADES INTO THE
RIVER, GRABS AN ARMFUL
AND RACES HOME
TO FEED HER FAMILY.
WHEN SHE TELLS THE STORY,
THEY THINK IT'S AN ACT OF GOD.
BUT AS IT TURNED OUT, A
DISGRUNTLED PEPPERONI STUFFER
HAD BLOWN UP THE FACTORY
IN A NEIGHBORING TOWN,
CAUSING PEPPERONI TO RAIN DOWN
OVER A HUNDRED SQUARE MILES,
WHICH IS WHERE THE
OLD SICILIAN SAYING
"IT'S RAINING CATS AND
PEPPERONI" COMES FROM.
IS THIS HELPING ANYONE YET?
BECAUSE THIS SURE FEELS
LIKE AN ENDING TO ME.
IT'S HELPING ME, SOPHIA.
WHAT I GOT OUT OF THE STORY
WAS THAT I SHOULD TAKE A BAD
SITUATION AND MAKE IT BETTER.
I'M GONNA TELL MY BOSS OFF.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I GOT OUT OF IT.
YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL ME
TO DUMP MY CHEATING BOYFRIEND
BECAUSE THERE'S LOTS
OF PEPPERONI IN THE SEA.
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU.
THANK YOU, SOPHIA.
HOW ABOUT YOU, DOROTHY?
DID I HELP WITH YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU SURE DID, MA. I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER.
HOW ABOUT SPLITTING
A PEPPERONI PIZZA?
SURE. YOU BUYING?
DOES A PEPPERONI SWIM UPSTREAM?
DID ONCE. LET'S GO.
I'M AFRAID I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, SOPHIA.
THEY LOOK UP TO YOU.
THEY SEEK YOUR ADVICE.
THEY RESPECT YOUR OPINION.
WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR COMPLAINT?
THAT I DON'T GET
$150 AN HOUR LIKE YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?
IN MY EXPERIENCE, MOST DOMESTIC
PROBLEMS CAN USUALLY BE RESOLVED
THROUGH A WILLINGNESS TO
COOPERATE AND SOME HARD WORK.
YOU'RE SAYING IF WE BECOME
MORE TOLERANT OF EACH OTHER,
WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT?
IN YOUR CASE, THERE'S
REALLY NO POINT.
YOU ARE TOTALLY INCOMPATIBLE.
WHAT?
YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE.
YOU BRING OUT THE WORST
TRAITS IN EACH OTHER.
I'M SURPRISED YOU WERE
ABLE TO LIVE TOGETHER
THIS LONG WITHOUT
KILLING EACH OTHER.
BUT, DR. ASHLEY, WE CAME
HERE FOR YOU TO HELP US.
LADIES, I LIKE YOU.
SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR
THE MOVING EXPENSES.
WELL, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HEAR, BUT...
[SIGHS] YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
I KNEW YOU WERE A QUACK. IF
YOU WERE A LEGITIMATE SHRINK,
YOU WOULD'VE STRUNG
US ALONG FOR MONTHS.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS
TOMORROW MORNING
WE CAN START TO PACK, CAN'T WE?
YEAH, I GUESS SO. THAT'S
PROBABLY THE BEST THING.
UH, DR. ASHLEY WAS
RIGHT, WASN'T HE?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
'CAUSE... IT DOESN'T MEAN
WE CAN'T STILL BE FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, WE'LL
VISIT EACH OTHER.
IT'S JUST THAT WE
CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER.
RIGHT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
GOING OUR SEPARATE WAYS.
INTERESTING.
YOU THINK THAT'S
WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
THEN YOU THINK WE
SHOULD STAY TOGETHER.
- I DIDN'T SAY THAT EITHER.
- WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
IT'S NOT FOR ME TO SAY.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU A STORY.
PICTURE IT: MIAMI, 1987.
A HOUSE, THE ONLY ONE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT A POOL.
BUT I DIGRESS.
FOUR WOMEN, FRIENDS.
THEY LAUGH, THEY CRY, THEY EAT.
THEY LOVE, THEY HATE, THEY EAT.
THEY DREAM, THEY HOPE, THEY EAT.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN
AROUND, THEY EAT.
SOPHIA, ARE THOSE FOUR WOMEN US?
LOOK IN THE MIRROR,
BLUBBER-BUTT.
THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS LIVING.
JUST BECAUSE YOU
HAVE SOME ROUGH TIMES
DOESN'T MEAN YOU
THROW IN THE TOWEL.
YOU GO ON LIVING... AND EATING.
I'LL GET THE CHEESECAKE.
I'LL GET THE WHIPPED CREAM.
I'LL GET THE CHOCOLATE SYRUP.
I'LL GET THE POLAROID.
THIS IS A TIME TO REMEMBER.
MA, YOU DON'T HAVE A POLAROID.
I'LL GET MINE. IT'S
UNDER MY BED.
I HAVE TO GO IN THERE FOR
THE WHIPPED CREAM ANYWAY.