The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 9 - Joust Between Friends - full transcript
When Dorothy gets a job at the art museum where Blanche also works, tensions grow between the two of them.
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
I'LL SET THESE DOWN AND
SHOW YOU THROUGH THE HOUSE.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT
OUTSIDE. COME IN. IT'S OK, FELLA.
[DEEP VOICE] I DON'T MIND IF I
DO. NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
WELL, THANK YOU. CAN I
OFFER YOU SOMETHING?
COFFEE? TEA? SCRAPS
FROM LAST NIGHT'S DINNER?
[DEEP VOICE] OH, YOU'RE
PULLING MY TAIL! HA-HA-HA!
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD
FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS?
SOPHIA, I WASN'T
TALKING TO MYSELF.
I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG.
MY AUNTIE BET TALKED
TO WOODPECKERS.
1,000 VOLTS A DAY STOPPED THAT.
HE'S ADORABLE. I FOUND HIM AT THE MARKET.
I'LL KEEP HIM TILL I FIND HIS OWNER.
FIND HIS OWNER BEFORE DOROTHY
GETS HOME. SHE HATES DOGS.
HELLO.
OH, WELL, LOOK AT THE
CUTE LITTLE PUPPY DOG.
HELLO THERE, HONEY.
OH, HE LIKES ME.
HE MUST BE A MALE.
THEN YOU DON'T MIND IF HE
STAYS TILL I FIND HIS OWNER?
MIND? MIND? OF COURSE I MIND.
YOU CAN'T KEEP THAT
FILTHY BEAST IN MY HOUSE.
BUT YOU SAID HE WAS CUTE.
HE IS. BUT A DOG BELONGS
OUTDOORS IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT
WHERE HE'S FREE TO ROAM AND LICK
HIMSELF IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS DOGHOUSE.
HE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE.
I'LL KEEP HIM IN MY ROOM.
YOU WON'T KNOW HE'S HERE.
OK, BUT WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES
LIVING HERE. DOROTHY HAS TO AGREE, TOO.
- THANKS, BLANCHE.
- IF HE LIFTS HIS LEG,
I'LL RUB YOUR NOSE IN IT.
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
[DEEP VOICE] BYE,
AUNTIE BLANCHE.
BYE, AUNTIE SOPHIA.
SHE GETS AWAY WITH IT.
IF SHE WAS MY AGE SHE'D BE LOCKED
UP MAKING BOATS OUT OF STICKS.
I'VE HAD IT. I'VE JUST HAD IT.
IN THE PAST FEW DAYS
I'VE BEEN TURNED DOWN FOR
EVERY AVAILABLE PART-TIME
JOB IN DADE COUNTY
THAT DIDN'T INVOLVED
SELLING COCAINE.
OH, DOROTHY, IT'S
JUST SO UNFAIR.
THEY SHOULDN'T DO THIS
TO A FINE TEACHER LIKE YOU.
IT'S PART OF THE EXPERIMENTAL
YEAR-ROUND SCHOOL SYSTEM.
EVERY TEACHER IS REQUIRED
TO TAKE A TEN-WEEK LEAVE
AND MY TEN WEEKS ARE NOW.
YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN
THE JOB I SUGGESTED.
OH, MA, YOU WANTED
ME TO BE A NUN.
RIGHT. IT'S STEADY WORK, THEY SUPPLY
THE UNIFORM AND YOU'RE MARRIED TO GOD.
AT LEAST HE'S HOME EVERY NIGHT.
MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU RECONSIDERED
WORKING AT THE MUSEUM WITH ME.
COME ON, WE'VE HAD
THAT CONVERSATION.
ALL I KNOW ABOUT MUSEUMS IS THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T EAT THE VEAL IN THE CAFETERIA.
YOU CAN'T FIND A JOB
AND YOU NEED THE MONEY.
IT MIGHT BE FUN
WORKING TOGETHER.
- WELL...
- I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
I'LL SET UP AN INTERVIEW
WITH MR ALLEN TOMORROW.
- [BARKING]
- WHAT WAS THAT?
ROSE FOUND A DOG
AT THE SUPERMARKET.
COULDN'T SHE GET STEW
MEAT LIKE SHE USUALLY DOES?
DOROTHY, DON'T BE UPSET.
THE POOR THING WAS LOST.
HE FOLLOWED ME HOME.
YOU DRIVE TO THE MARKET.
DID HE FOLLOW YOU IN A TAXI?
HE LOOKED SO HUNGRY AND
SAD. I COULDN'T JUST LEAVE HIM.
I HUNTED HOURS FOR HIS OWNER.
I HATE DOGS, ROSE.
OH, DOROTHY, COME
ON. NOBODY HATES DOGS.
OH, PLEASE, JUST FOR
THE NIGHT. I PROMISE.
[DEEP VOICE] PLEASE,
AUNTIE DOROTHY.
I WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE. PLEASE.
OH, ALL RIGHT. BUT
JUST FOR THE NIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU, AUNTIE DOROTHY.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
NAH, I SAW HER LIPS MOVE.
I TOOK SEVERAL ART
COURSES IN COLLEGE
AND I'VE ALSO SUBSTITUTED
IN ART APPRECIATION CLASSES
IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.
HUH?
MR ALLEN, DOROTHY WAS TELLING
YOU ABOUT HER BACKGROUND.
I'M SORRY, I'M DISTRACTED.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU FIND
YOUR FRIEND IN BED WITH YOUR WIFE.
OH, I'M SO SORRY. THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN QUITE A SHOCK.
IT WAS. ARTHUR'S NEVER
COME HOME AT LUNCH BEFORE.
HE CAUGHT ME RED-HANDED.
- NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ART.
THE THING WE HANG
ON THE WALL HERE.
- WHAT ABOUT IT?
- DOROTHY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT IT.
SHE STUDIED IN ROME
AND LECTURED IN PARIS
AND SHE HAS A VERY KEEN EYE
FOR COLOR AND LIGHT AND FORM.
SHE'S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO
COMPLIMENT ME ON MY WARDROBE.
- BLANCHE THINKS HIGHLY OF YOU.
- SHE'S TAKING MY RESUME
TO THE VATICAN THIS AFTERNOON.
PARDON?
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE JOKE TO
EASE THE TENSION OF THE MOMENT.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
I TRIED TO THINK OF SOMETHING
FUNNY TO SAY WHEN ART WALKED IN.
BUT STANDING THERE IN MY
SHORTS, NOTHING CAME TO MIND.
MR ALLEN. MR ALLEN?
- DOES DOROTHY GET THE JOB?
- SURE. I DON'T CARE.
OH, THANK YOU, MR ALLEN. I HOPE
I LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S A BOY.
DOROTHY, WHY ARE
YOU UP SO EARLY?
NEVER MIND. IT'S OVER A WEEK.
WHY IS THAT MUTT STILL HERE?
I PROMISED TO TAKE HIM TO
THE POUND, BUT HE WASN'T WELL.
- I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.
- DON'T BE, IT WAS A HANGOVER.
- WHAT?
- A HANGOVER FROM THE SHERRY.
MA, YOU GAVE THE DOG
SHERRY? THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I WAS HAVING A FEW SIPS WHILE
I RINSED OUT MY UNDERWEAR.
IT'S A LITTLE THING I DO
MONDAYS AND THURSDAYS.
ANYWAY, THE DOG
WALKS IN, LOOKS AT ME,
AND IT'S YOUR UNCLE ALDO'S
FACE BEGGING FOR A DRINK.
I GIVE HIM A SWALLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHEN TO STOP, ALSO LIKE ALDO.
WE SING SOME PUCCINI, STRETCH
OUT ON THE COUCH AND TAKE A NAP.
ALL IN ALL, A
PLEASANT AFTERNOON.
ROSE, THE DOG IS
DROOLING ON MY FOOT.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE
IT'S A BAD THING.
ROSE, WE HAD AN AGREEMENT. YOU
SAID THE DOG WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.
JUST ONE MORE DAY,
DOROTHY. I'LL FIND THE OWNER.
I HAVE POSTERS ALL
OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ONE MORE DAY OR I'LL GET
RID OF THE DOG MYSELF.
I'LL TAKE HIM OUT TO THE LANAI.
COME ON, SWEETHEART. COME ON.
[DEEP VOICE] AUNTIE DOROTHY.
LIGHTEN UP.
- MORNING.
- MORNING, AUNTIE BLANCHE.
- OH, THE PUP'S STILL HERE.
- YEAH.
ONE MORE DAY, UNLESS
MA TAKES HIM BAR HOPPING.
HOW COME YOU'RE
DRESSED SO EARLY?
I TOLD MR ALLEN
I'D COME IN EARLY
TO GET THE PRESS LIST
INFORMATION READY BEFORE LUNCH.
YOU'RE SUCH A TREASURE. I
HOPE HE APPRECIATES YOU.
AFTER ONLY A WEEK YOU KNOW AS
MUCH ABOUT THAT MUSEUM AS I DO.
WHAT'S TO KNOW? BANG IN A NAIL, HANG
A PICTURE. ANY IDIOT COULD DO THAT.
STOP BRAGGING. YOU'RE ONLY
SAYING THAT 'CAUSE I'M YOUR DAUGHTER.
I'M VERY PROUD OF THE
JOB YOU'RE DOING, DOROTHY.
[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
JUST A MINUTE. MR
ALLEN ON THE PHONE.
OH, HE'S NEVER CALLED
ME AT HOME BEFORE.
AND HE'S NOT NOW.
IT'S FOR DOROTHY.
OH.
THANK YOU. GOOD
MORNING, MR ALLEN.
OH... WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, YEAH. WELL,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VERY SWEET OF YOU TO CALL. YES.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'LL
SEE YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.
- WHAT DID HE WANT?
- TO THANK ME FOR MY WORK
ON THE HOTCHKISS PROJECT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY. JUST LOVELY.
ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE WASN'T
THAT MUCH WORK INVOLVED.
MA, IT'S 8.00AM. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING WITH THE SHERRY?
I'M NOT GONNA DRINK IT. I
WAS HIDING IT FROM THE DOG.
MA, YOU EXPECT
ME TO BELIEVE THAT?
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DRIVE.
DOROTHY, LOOK WHO I FOUND.
- MA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- YOU LEFT YOUR LUNCH AT HOME.
THANKS. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME.
GOOD EXCUSE TO PUT MY TEETH IN.
WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
WOULD YOU LIKE A TOUR?
NO. IF I WANT TO LOOK AT
PICTURES, I GO TO FOTOMATT.
ROSE BROUGHT ME. SHE'S
OUTSIDE WITH THE DOG.
YOU EVER STICK YOUR HEAD OUT OF A
CAR WINDOW DOING 50? WHAT A RUSH!
HELLO!
AND WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?
THIS IS MY MOTHER
SOPHIA PETRILLO.
MA, THIS IS MY BOSS MR ALLEN.
PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, MRS PETRILLO.
WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO OUR HUMBLE HOME?
[MUTTERS] IS HE GAY?
COME ON, I'LL WALK
YOU TO THE CAR.
GOODBYE, MRS PETRILLO.
SORRY YOU DIDN'T HAVE
AN OPPORTUNITY TO
EXPERIENCE OUR MUSEUM.
I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO SEE
MY MOST PRIZED ACQUISITION.
A MAGNIFICENT PAIR OF GAUGUINS.
WHAT ARE YOU, A PERVERT?
I WAS MARRIED 45 YEARS. I NEVER
EVEN SAW MY HUSBAND'S GAUGUINS!
I FORGOT WHY I CAME TO TALK
TO YOU. OH, ABOUT THE BANQUET.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I LOVE TO THROW A
PARTY. LEAVE IT TO ME.
ACTUALLY, BLANCHE, I'VE DECIDED
TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO DOROTHY.
- EXCUSE ME?
- I'VE PUT DOROTHY IN CHARGE
OF THE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR THE BANQUET.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO A THING.
YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TIME FREE
TO DEVOTE TO THE EXHIBITION.
BUT, MR ALLEN, I'D
ALWAYS ASSUMED
THAT I WAS GONNA HANDLE IT.
YOU WERE, BUT THAT WAS
BEFORE WE FOUND DOROTHY.
TELL HER I WANT TO SEE HER.
[RINGS]
HELLO.
DOROTHY ISN'T HERE.
SHE WAS ARRESTED ON A
MORALS CHARGE THIS MORNING.
MM-HM. YOU NEVER KNOW,
DO YOU? HAVE A NICE DAY.
MA, GIMME A BREAK. THE
DI-GEL'S ON THE BOTTOM SHELF.
YOU!
COME ON. THAT DOES
IT. COME ON, OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUT. MOVE IT. OUT!
RIGHT NOW.
OH, COME ON,
NOW, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
COME ON. I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THOSE BIG SAD EYES
AND FLOPPY EARS AND WET NOSE.
THE LAST TIME I DID,
IT ENDED IN DIVORCE.
STAN COULDN'T EVEN
CATCH A FRISBEE IN HIS TEETH.
OH, LISTEN.
HONEY, IT'S NOT A
PERSONAL THING.
I DON'T HATE YOU. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, I ONCE HAD A DOG.
A SCHNAUZER NAME WA-WA.
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW
THAT SOUNDS STRANGE,
BUT MY DAUGHTER WAS ONLY TWO
WHEN SHE NAMED
HIM DURING A WALK.
AND I FIGURED BETWEEN
THAT AND NUMBER ONE,
WA-WA WAS THE HANDS-DOWN WINNER.
HE WAS THE GREATEST
DOG IN THE WORLD.
PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.
I LOVED THAT DOG. HE
WAS ALWAYS WITH ME.
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER BE ABLE
TO GET ALONG WITHOUT HIM.
AND ONE DAY HE DIED.
I CRIED FOR A WEEK.
AND I DECIDED THEN I WOULD
NEVER EVER GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.
SO, YOU SEE, IT'S
NOT... OH, MY GOD.
I'VE SPILLED MY GUTS TO SOMEONE
WHO DRINKS OUT OF A TOILET.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY,
YOU ARE OUT OF HERE.
ONE WA-WA IN MY LIFE WAS ENOUGH.
LOOK, I'VE HAD IT WITH
THAT DISGUSTING DOG.
I'VE TOLERATED HIM
AS LONG AS I CAN.
- HE'S GOT TO GO.
- BUT, DOROTHY...
- NO "BUTS", ROSE.
- OK, I'LL NEED A FEW MORE DAYS.
A FEW MORE DAYS AND THAT IS IT.
GET ME A DOGGIE BONE.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T
THINK YOU DESERVE ONE.
NOT FOR ME. IT'S TO LURE
THAT MUTT OUT OF MY ROOM.
THAT'S OK. I'LL GET HIM OUT.
[DEEP VOICE] AUNT DOROTHY'S
CERTAINLY A GROUCH.
YOU COULDN'T SLEEP EITHER, HUH?
NO, I GUESS IT'S THE
KNIFE IN MY BACK.
COME AGAIN?
I WASN'T GOING TO MENTION THIS,
BUT I WON'T BE ABLE
TO SLEEP UNTIL I DO.
YOU HAVE BACKED
ME INTO A CORNER.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I COME
OUT FIGHTING LIKE A WILD CAT.
UNLESS I'M DRUNK.
THEN I SLIDE DOWN THE
WALL AND MAKE PASSIONATE
LOVE ON THE CARPET.
BLANCHE, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU STOLE THE BANQUET OF THE
ONLY ART SHOW I'VE EVER PUT TOGETHER.
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR BANQUET.
MR ALLEN ASSIGNED IT TO ME.
WHY? WHY GIVE IT TO
YOU AND NOT TO ME?
I'VE BEEN WORKING
THERE FOR FIVE YEARS.
I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEEN
WEARING LOW-CUT BLOUSES
AND PICKING UP
PENCILS OFF THE FLOOR.
I'M THE ONE HE ALWAYS
GROPES AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
AND THEY PICKED SANDRA
DAY O'CONNOR OVER YOU?
I'M NOT TAKING
THIS SITTING DOWN.
WHEN IT COMES TO ART, YOU
CANNOT HOLD A CANDLE TO ME.
GIVE ME BACK MY BANQUET
BEFORE YOU MESS IT UP.
LISTEN, MR ALLEN
GAVE ME THAT BANQUET
AND I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF IT,
REGARDLESS OF YOUR CHILDISH INSECURITIES.
- WHO ARE YOU CALLING CHILDISH?
- WHO DID YOU CALL BACK-STABBER?
GIRLS, THIS LITTLE FELLA
BETTER STICK AROUND A WHILE.
- GET RID OF HIM.
- HE'S ILL.
WHO CARES?
[DEEP VOICE] DON'T EXPLAIN, ROSE. I
LIVED WITH A COUPLE OF BITCHES MYSELF.
- DOROTHY, IS BLANCHE AROUND?
- SHE HASN'T COME IN YET.
GOOD, WE CAN TALK
ABOUT THE BANQUET.
- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
- SHE DOESN'T SUSPECT A THING.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER FACE
WHEN SHE SEES THE BANQUET
IS TO HONOR HER GOOD WORK.
- I CAN'T EITHER.
- I'LL FINISH MY SPEECH
FOR BLANCHE. WHEN IT'S
DONE, WOULD YOU LOOK AT IT?
I'D BE HAPPY TO, MR ALLEN.
[MIMICS] BE HAPPY TO, MR ALLEN.
MY, MY, AREN'T WE LICKING
BOOTS A LITTLE EARLY?
I HAD A LIGHT BREAKFAST.
- HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
- WHY NOT TELL ME WHAT'S IN IT?
WHAT?
HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY
STEAMED IT OPEN?
PLEASE, I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
TO GET DONE BEFORE LUNCH.
DON'T LET LITTLE
INEFFECTUAL, INSIGNIFICANT ME
- GET BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WORK.
- THANK YOU.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO COME BETWEEN
YOUR LIPS AND MR ALLEN'S BEHIND.
BLANCHE, THAT
DOES IT, I HAVE HAD IT.
UP UNTIL WE STARTED WORKING
TOGETHER, YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND.
WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS
BECAUSE YOU TRUSTED ME.
NOW YOU THINK I'M
SOME OTHER PERSON,
SOMEONE WHO'D
STAB YOU IN THE BACK.
I AM NOT THAT PERSON.
BLANCHE, I AM STILL
YOUR BEST FRIEND,
WHETHER OR NOT YOU THINK SO.
DOROTHY, I...
I'VE BEEN ACTING
LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN
THE HELL GOT INTO ME.
I KNOW YOU'D NEVER HIDE
ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, DOROTHY.
PLEASE, DOROTHY.
PLEASE.
[TEARFUL] YOU REALLY HURT
MY FEELINGS. I... I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE. THIS IS TEARING
ME UP. I'M A MESS.
YOU CAN'T TELL FROM THE
WAY I LOOK, BUT IT'S TRUE.
OK, BLANCHE. I FORGIVE YOU.
OH.
DOROTHY, I'VE GOT THE...
THING I WANT YOU TO LOOK OVER.
OH, THE THING. I'LL
LOOK AT IT LATER.
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH?
HOW ABOUT THAT NEW
PIZZA PLACE ON THE CORNER?
- GREAT.
- DOROTHY.
YES?
WHAT WAS THAT THING
MR ALLEN JUST GAVE YOU?
- WHAT THING?
- THAT THING IN YOUR DRAWER.
OH, THAT THING.
- IT'S NOTHING.
- IF IT'S NOTHING, LET ME SEE.
I AM REALLY HUNGRY. LET'S GO
OUT AND GET THAT PIZZA NOW.
IT'S 9.15. I DON'T WANT
PIZZA, I WANT TO SEE THAT.
- I'M SORRY, BLANCHE, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE.
- WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.
NONE OF MY BUSINESS?
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT BEFORE YOU CAME HERE,
EVERYTHING WAS MY BUSINESS.
- SHOW ME THAT PAPER.
- I'M SORRY, BLANCHE, I CAN'T.
I KNEW YOU'D BEEN
HIDING SOMETHING.
YOU NO-GOOD, BACK-STABBING JEZEBEL.
I DEMAND YOU SHOW ME THAT PAPER.
I'M SORRY, FLATTERY WON'T WORK.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WON'T WORK,
YOU AND ME IN THE SAME OFFICE.
STEALING THAT BANQUET
WAS BAD ENOUGH,
BUT HIDING THINGS
IS GOING TOO FAR.
IF YOU WANT THIS JOB THAT BAD
THAT YOU HAVE TO LIE, YOU CAN HAVE IT.
I QUIT!
GIN. [LAUGHS]
- AREN'T YOU GONNA GET MAD?
- NO. WANT TO PLAY AGAIN?
NAH. IF YOU DON'T
GET MAD, IT'S NO FUN.
- YOU STILL UPSET ABOUT BLANCHE?
- YES, MA.
TELL HER THAT COCKAMAMIE
BANQUET IS FOR HER.
I CAN'T, I WAS SWORN TO SECRECY.
- [DOROTHY] HI, BLANCHE.
- EAT DIRT AND DIE, TRASH.
JUST HOLD IT RIGHT
THERE, BLANCHE.
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, MA.
THAT BANQUET YOU'RE MAD
ABOUT IS IN YOUR HONOR.
- WHAT?
- I TOLD YOU, IT WAS A SECRET.
YOUR SECRET, NOT MINE.
- IS THIS TRUE?
- YES, IT IS.
NOW YOU FEEL LIKE THE
DIRT YOU WANTED HER TO EAT,
I THINK I'LL HAVE A HARD CANDY.
DOROTHY, I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- I UNDERSTAND, BLANCHE.
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
SEE, I THOUGHT I WAS
A MIRACLE WORKER,
THAT NOBODY COULD DO
WHAT I DO AT THE MUSEUM.
THEN YOU CAME AND
LEARNED MY JOB IN A WEEK
AND I REALIZED
ANY IDIOT CAN DO IT.
AND YOU WERE AFRAID YOU COULDN'T
FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO APOLOGIZE.
THERE ARE NO RIGHT
WORDS, DOROTHY.
WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO EASE
THE PAIN I'VE INFLICTED ON YOU.
BUT I WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING PERSONAL,
SOMETHING FROM THE HEART.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I OWN,
TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PERSON I KNOW.
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
MY EMERALD EARRINGS.
I'M SURE AS HELL NOT
GONNA GIVE YOU THOSE.
BUT I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
SOMETHING SPECIAL, SOMETHING PERSONAL.
I KNOW, HOW ABOUT A
PERSONAL CHECK FOR $75?
ON THE BOTTOM I'LL WRITE,
"I WAS A BIG FAT JERK."
BLANCHE, I DON'T
WANT YOUR CHECK.
I AM TRYING TO FIND SOME
WAY TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY.
OK, I'LL TAKE IT
BUT I WON'T CASH IT.
I'LL KEEP IT AS A REMINDER FOR THE
NEXT TIME YOU BEHAVE LIKE A BIG FAT JERK.
- OK.
- OH.
WILL YOU BE ABLE TO PRETEND TO
BE SURPRISED AT THAT BANQUET?
OF COURSE. I'VE PRETENDED
TO BE A VIRGIN ENOUGH TIMES.
GIRLS, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
I FOUND THE DOG'S OWNER.
OH, HOW... HOW DID YOU KNOW?
HE RECOGNIZED THE PICTURE. AND
THE DOG CAME TO HIM WHEN HE CALLED.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, I'M SO GLAD HE FOUND...
[TEARFUL] ...HIS OWNER.
DOROTHY... WHY, ARE YOU CRYING?
NO, NO, I JUST HAVE
SOMETHING IN MY EYE.
THAT'S DOG LOVE IN YOUR EYES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I
ADMIT IT. I LOVE DOGS.
IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART
THAT THAT DOG IS GONE.
I FELT THE SAME WHEN
I DROPPED HIM OFF.
THAT'S WHY I STOPPED
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER.
COME ON IN, GUYS. COME ON, GUYS.
♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN
♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE
♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE
♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY
♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW
♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME
♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY
♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪
I'LL SET THESE DOWN AND
SHOW YOU THROUGH THE HOUSE.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT
OUTSIDE. COME IN. IT'S OK, FELLA.
[DEEP VOICE] I DON'T MIND IF I
DO. NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
WELL, THANK YOU. CAN I
OFFER YOU SOMETHING?
COFFEE? TEA? SCRAPS
FROM LAST NIGHT'S DINNER?
[DEEP VOICE] OH, YOU'RE
PULLING MY TAIL! HA-HA-HA!
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD
FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS?
SOPHIA, I WASN'T
TALKING TO MYSELF.
I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG.
MY AUNTIE BET TALKED
TO WOODPECKERS.
1,000 VOLTS A DAY STOPPED THAT.
HE'S ADORABLE. I FOUND HIM AT THE MARKET.
I'LL KEEP HIM TILL I FIND HIS OWNER.
FIND HIS OWNER BEFORE DOROTHY
GETS HOME. SHE HATES DOGS.
HELLO.
OH, WELL, LOOK AT THE
CUTE LITTLE PUPPY DOG.
HELLO THERE, HONEY.
OH, HE LIKES ME.
HE MUST BE A MALE.
THEN YOU DON'T MIND IF HE
STAYS TILL I FIND HIS OWNER?
MIND? MIND? OF COURSE I MIND.
YOU CAN'T KEEP THAT
FILTHY BEAST IN MY HOUSE.
BUT YOU SAID HE WAS CUTE.
HE IS. BUT A DOG BELONGS
OUTDOORS IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT
WHERE HE'S FREE TO ROAM AND LICK
HIMSELF IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS DOGHOUSE.
HE WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE.
I'LL KEEP HIM IN MY ROOM.
YOU WON'T KNOW HE'S HERE.
OK, BUT WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES
LIVING HERE. DOROTHY HAS TO AGREE, TOO.
- THANKS, BLANCHE.
- IF HE LIFTS HIS LEG,
I'LL RUB YOUR NOSE IN IT.
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
[DEEP VOICE] BYE,
AUNTIE BLANCHE.
BYE, AUNTIE SOPHIA.
SHE GETS AWAY WITH IT.
IF SHE WAS MY AGE SHE'D BE LOCKED
UP MAKING BOATS OUT OF STICKS.
I'VE HAD IT. I'VE JUST HAD IT.
IN THE PAST FEW DAYS
I'VE BEEN TURNED DOWN FOR
EVERY AVAILABLE PART-TIME
JOB IN DADE COUNTY
THAT DIDN'T INVOLVED
SELLING COCAINE.
OH, DOROTHY, IT'S
JUST SO UNFAIR.
THEY SHOULDN'T DO THIS
TO A FINE TEACHER LIKE YOU.
IT'S PART OF THE EXPERIMENTAL
YEAR-ROUND SCHOOL SYSTEM.
EVERY TEACHER IS REQUIRED
TO TAKE A TEN-WEEK LEAVE
AND MY TEN WEEKS ARE NOW.
YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN
THE JOB I SUGGESTED.
OH, MA, YOU WANTED
ME TO BE A NUN.
RIGHT. IT'S STEADY WORK, THEY SUPPLY
THE UNIFORM AND YOU'RE MARRIED TO GOD.
AT LEAST HE'S HOME EVERY NIGHT.
MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU RECONSIDERED
WORKING AT THE MUSEUM WITH ME.
COME ON, WE'VE HAD
THAT CONVERSATION.
ALL I KNOW ABOUT MUSEUMS IS THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T EAT THE VEAL IN THE CAFETERIA.
YOU CAN'T FIND A JOB
AND YOU NEED THE MONEY.
IT MIGHT BE FUN
WORKING TOGETHER.
- WELL...
- I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
I'LL SET UP AN INTERVIEW
WITH MR ALLEN TOMORROW.
- [BARKING]
- WHAT WAS THAT?
ROSE FOUND A DOG
AT THE SUPERMARKET.
COULDN'T SHE GET STEW
MEAT LIKE SHE USUALLY DOES?
DOROTHY, DON'T BE UPSET.
THE POOR THING WAS LOST.
HE FOLLOWED ME HOME.
YOU DRIVE TO THE MARKET.
DID HE FOLLOW YOU IN A TAXI?
HE LOOKED SO HUNGRY AND
SAD. I COULDN'T JUST LEAVE HIM.
I HUNTED HOURS FOR HIS OWNER.
I HATE DOGS, ROSE.
OH, DOROTHY, COME
ON. NOBODY HATES DOGS.
OH, PLEASE, JUST FOR
THE NIGHT. I PROMISE.
[DEEP VOICE] PLEASE,
AUNTIE DOROTHY.
I WON'T BE ANY TROUBLE. PLEASE.
OH, ALL RIGHT. BUT
JUST FOR THE NIGHT.
OH, THANK YOU, AUNTIE DOROTHY.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?
NAH, I SAW HER LIPS MOVE.
I TOOK SEVERAL ART
COURSES IN COLLEGE
AND I'VE ALSO SUBSTITUTED
IN ART APPRECIATION CLASSES
IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.
HUH?
MR ALLEN, DOROTHY WAS TELLING
YOU ABOUT HER BACKGROUND.
I'M SORRY, I'M DISTRACTED.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU FIND
YOUR FRIEND IN BED WITH YOUR WIFE.
OH, I'M SO SORRY. THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN QUITE A SHOCK.
IT WAS. ARTHUR'S NEVER
COME HOME AT LUNCH BEFORE.
HE CAUGHT ME RED-HANDED.
- NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
- WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ART.
THE THING WE HANG
ON THE WALL HERE.
- WHAT ABOUT IT?
- DOROTHY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT IT.
SHE STUDIED IN ROME
AND LECTURED IN PARIS
AND SHE HAS A VERY KEEN EYE
FOR COLOR AND LIGHT AND FORM.
SHE'S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO
COMPLIMENT ME ON MY WARDROBE.
- BLANCHE THINKS HIGHLY OF YOU.
- SHE'S TAKING MY RESUME
TO THE VATICAN THIS AFTERNOON.
PARDON?
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE JOKE TO
EASE THE TENSION OF THE MOMENT.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
I TRIED TO THINK OF SOMETHING
FUNNY TO SAY WHEN ART WALKED IN.
BUT STANDING THERE IN MY
SHORTS, NOTHING CAME TO MIND.
MR ALLEN. MR ALLEN?
- DOES DOROTHY GET THE JOB?
- SURE. I DON'T CARE.
OH, THANK YOU, MR ALLEN. I HOPE
I LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
THAT'S A BOY.
DOROTHY, WHY ARE
YOU UP SO EARLY?
NEVER MIND. IT'S OVER A WEEK.
WHY IS THAT MUTT STILL HERE?
I PROMISED TO TAKE HIM TO
THE POUND, BUT HE WASN'T WELL.
- I'M A LITTLE WORRIED.
- DON'T BE, IT WAS A HANGOVER.
- WHAT?
- A HANGOVER FROM THE SHERRY.
MA, YOU GAVE THE DOG
SHERRY? THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I WAS HAVING A FEW SIPS WHILE
I RINSED OUT MY UNDERWEAR.
IT'S A LITTLE THING I DO
MONDAYS AND THURSDAYS.
ANYWAY, THE DOG
WALKS IN, LOOKS AT ME,
AND IT'S YOUR UNCLE ALDO'S
FACE BEGGING FOR A DRINK.
I GIVE HIM A SWALLOW, BUT HE DOESN'T
KNOW WHEN TO STOP, ALSO LIKE ALDO.
WE SING SOME PUCCINI, STRETCH
OUT ON THE COUCH AND TAKE A NAP.
ALL IN ALL, A
PLEASANT AFTERNOON.
ROSE, THE DOG IS
DROOLING ON MY FOOT.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE
IT'S A BAD THING.
ROSE, WE HAD AN AGREEMENT. YOU
SAID THE DOG WOULD BE GONE BY NOW.
JUST ONE MORE DAY,
DOROTHY. I'LL FIND THE OWNER.
I HAVE POSTERS ALL
OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
ONE MORE DAY OR I'LL GET
RID OF THE DOG MYSELF.
I'LL TAKE HIM OUT TO THE LANAI.
COME ON, SWEETHEART. COME ON.
[DEEP VOICE] AUNTIE DOROTHY.
LIGHTEN UP.
- MORNING.
- MORNING, AUNTIE BLANCHE.
- OH, THE PUP'S STILL HERE.
- YEAH.
ONE MORE DAY, UNLESS
MA TAKES HIM BAR HOPPING.
HOW COME YOU'RE
DRESSED SO EARLY?
I TOLD MR ALLEN
I'D COME IN EARLY
TO GET THE PRESS LIST
INFORMATION READY BEFORE LUNCH.
YOU'RE SUCH A TREASURE. I
HOPE HE APPRECIATES YOU.
AFTER ONLY A WEEK YOU KNOW AS
MUCH ABOUT THAT MUSEUM AS I DO.
WHAT'S TO KNOW? BANG IN A NAIL, HANG
A PICTURE. ANY IDIOT COULD DO THAT.
STOP BRAGGING. YOU'RE ONLY
SAYING THAT 'CAUSE I'M YOUR DAUGHTER.
I'M VERY PROUD OF THE
JOB YOU'RE DOING, DOROTHY.
[PHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
JUST A MINUTE. MR
ALLEN ON THE PHONE.
OH, HE'S NEVER CALLED
ME AT HOME BEFORE.
AND HE'S NOT NOW.
IT'S FOR DOROTHY.
OH.
THANK YOU. GOOD
MORNING, MR ALLEN.
OH... WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, YEAH. WELL,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VERY SWEET OF YOU TO CALL. YES.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'LL
SEE YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.
- WHAT DID HE WANT?
- TO THANK ME FOR MY WORK
ON THE HOTCHKISS PROJECT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY. JUST LOVELY.
ESPECIALLY SINCE THERE WASN'T
THAT MUCH WORK INVOLVED.
MA, IT'S 8.00AM. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING WITH THE SHERRY?
I'M NOT GONNA DRINK IT. I
WAS HIDING IT FROM THE DOG.
MA, YOU EXPECT
ME TO BELIEVE THAT?
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DRIVE.
DOROTHY, LOOK WHO I FOUND.
- MA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- YOU LEFT YOUR LUNCH AT HOME.
THANKS. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME.
GOOD EXCUSE TO PUT MY TEETH IN.
WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
WOULD YOU LIKE A TOUR?
NO. IF I WANT TO LOOK AT
PICTURES, I GO TO FOTOMATT.
ROSE BROUGHT ME. SHE'S
OUTSIDE WITH THE DOG.
YOU EVER STICK YOUR HEAD OUT OF A
CAR WINDOW DOING 50? WHAT A RUSH!
HELLO!
AND WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?
THIS IS MY MOTHER
SOPHIA PETRILLO.
MA, THIS IS MY BOSS MR ALLEN.
PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, MRS PETRILLO.
WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO OUR HUMBLE HOME?
[MUTTERS] IS HE GAY?
COME ON, I'LL WALK
YOU TO THE CAR.
GOODBYE, MRS PETRILLO.
SORRY YOU DIDN'T HAVE
AN OPPORTUNITY TO
EXPERIENCE OUR MUSEUM.
I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO SEE
MY MOST PRIZED ACQUISITION.
A MAGNIFICENT PAIR OF GAUGUINS.
WHAT ARE YOU, A PERVERT?
I WAS MARRIED 45 YEARS. I NEVER
EVEN SAW MY HUSBAND'S GAUGUINS!
I FORGOT WHY I CAME TO TALK
TO YOU. OH, ABOUT THE BANQUET.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I LOVE TO THROW A
PARTY. LEAVE IT TO ME.
ACTUALLY, BLANCHE, I'VE DECIDED
TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO DOROTHY.
- EXCUSE ME?
- I'VE PUT DOROTHY IN CHARGE
OF THE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR THE BANQUET.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO A THING.
YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TIME FREE
TO DEVOTE TO THE EXHIBITION.
BUT, MR ALLEN, I'D
ALWAYS ASSUMED
THAT I WAS GONNA HANDLE IT.
YOU WERE, BUT THAT WAS
BEFORE WE FOUND DOROTHY.
TELL HER I WANT TO SEE HER.
[RINGS]
HELLO.
DOROTHY ISN'T HERE.
SHE WAS ARRESTED ON A
MORALS CHARGE THIS MORNING.
MM-HM. YOU NEVER KNOW,
DO YOU? HAVE A NICE DAY.
MA, GIMME A BREAK. THE
DI-GEL'S ON THE BOTTOM SHELF.
YOU!
COME ON. THAT DOES
IT. COME ON, OUT.
COME ON, COME ON.
OUT. MOVE IT. OUT!
RIGHT NOW.
OH, COME ON,
NOW, THIS ISN'T FAIR.
COME ON. I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THOSE BIG SAD EYES
AND FLOPPY EARS AND WET NOSE.
THE LAST TIME I DID,
IT ENDED IN DIVORCE.
STAN COULDN'T EVEN
CATCH A FRISBEE IN HIS TEETH.
OH, LISTEN.
HONEY, IT'S NOT A
PERSONAL THING.
I DON'T HATE YOU. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, I ONCE HAD A DOG.
A SCHNAUZER NAME WA-WA.
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW
THAT SOUNDS STRANGE,
BUT MY DAUGHTER WAS ONLY TWO
WHEN SHE NAMED
HIM DURING A WALK.
AND I FIGURED BETWEEN
THAT AND NUMBER ONE,
WA-WA WAS THE HANDS-DOWN WINNER.
HE WAS THE GREATEST
DOG IN THE WORLD.
PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.
I LOVED THAT DOG. HE
WAS ALWAYS WITH ME.
I THOUGHT I'D NEVER BE ABLE
TO GET ALONG WITHOUT HIM.
AND ONE DAY HE DIED.
I CRIED FOR A WEEK.
AND I DECIDED THEN I WOULD
NEVER EVER GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.
SO, YOU SEE, IT'S
NOT... OH, MY GOD.
I'VE SPILLED MY GUTS TO SOMEONE
WHO DRINKS OUT OF A TOILET.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY,
YOU ARE OUT OF HERE.
ONE WA-WA IN MY LIFE WAS ENOUGH.
LOOK, I'VE HAD IT WITH
THAT DISGUSTING DOG.
I'VE TOLERATED HIM
AS LONG AS I CAN.
- HE'S GOT TO GO.
- BUT, DOROTHY...
- NO "BUTS", ROSE.
- OK, I'LL NEED A FEW MORE DAYS.
A FEW MORE DAYS AND THAT IS IT.
GET ME A DOGGIE BONE.
I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T
THINK YOU DESERVE ONE.
NOT FOR ME. IT'S TO LURE
THAT MUTT OUT OF MY ROOM.
THAT'S OK. I'LL GET HIM OUT.
[DEEP VOICE] AUNT DOROTHY'S
CERTAINLY A GROUCH.
YOU COULDN'T SLEEP EITHER, HUH?
NO, I GUESS IT'S THE
KNIFE IN MY BACK.
COME AGAIN?
I WASN'T GOING TO MENTION THIS,
BUT I WON'T BE ABLE
TO SLEEP UNTIL I DO.
YOU HAVE BACKED
ME INTO A CORNER.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I COME
OUT FIGHTING LIKE A WILD CAT.
UNLESS I'M DRUNK.
THEN I SLIDE DOWN THE
WALL AND MAKE PASSIONATE
LOVE ON THE CARPET.
BLANCHE, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU STOLE THE BANQUET OF THE
ONLY ART SHOW I'VE EVER PUT TOGETHER.
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR BANQUET.
MR ALLEN ASSIGNED IT TO ME.
WHY? WHY GIVE IT TO
YOU AND NOT TO ME?
I'VE BEEN WORKING
THERE FOR FIVE YEARS.
I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEEN
WEARING LOW-CUT BLOUSES
AND PICKING UP
PENCILS OFF THE FLOOR.
I'M THE ONE HE ALWAYS
GROPES AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
AND THEY PICKED SANDRA
DAY O'CONNOR OVER YOU?
I'M NOT TAKING
THIS SITTING DOWN.
WHEN IT COMES TO ART, YOU
CANNOT HOLD A CANDLE TO ME.
GIVE ME BACK MY BANQUET
BEFORE YOU MESS IT UP.
LISTEN, MR ALLEN
GAVE ME THAT BANQUET
AND I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF IT,
REGARDLESS OF YOUR CHILDISH INSECURITIES.
- WHO ARE YOU CALLING CHILDISH?
- WHO DID YOU CALL BACK-STABBER?
GIRLS, THIS LITTLE FELLA
BETTER STICK AROUND A WHILE.
- GET RID OF HIM.
- HE'S ILL.
WHO CARES?
[DEEP VOICE] DON'T EXPLAIN, ROSE. I
LIVED WITH A COUPLE OF BITCHES MYSELF.
- DOROTHY, IS BLANCHE AROUND?
- SHE HASN'T COME IN YET.
GOOD, WE CAN TALK
ABOUT THE BANQUET.
- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
- SHE DOESN'T SUSPECT A THING.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HER FACE
WHEN SHE SEES THE BANQUET
IS TO HONOR HER GOOD WORK.
- I CAN'T EITHER.
- I'LL FINISH MY SPEECH
FOR BLANCHE. WHEN IT'S
DONE, WOULD YOU LOOK AT IT?
I'D BE HAPPY TO, MR ALLEN.
[MIMICS] BE HAPPY TO, MR ALLEN.
MY, MY, AREN'T WE LICKING
BOOTS A LITTLE EARLY?
I HAD A LIGHT BREAKFAST.
- HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
- WHY NOT TELL ME WHAT'S IN IT?
WHAT?
HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY
STEAMED IT OPEN?
PLEASE, I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
TO GET DONE BEFORE LUNCH.
DON'T LET LITTLE
INEFFECTUAL, INSIGNIFICANT ME
- GET BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WORK.
- THANK YOU.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO COME BETWEEN
YOUR LIPS AND MR ALLEN'S BEHIND.
BLANCHE, THAT
DOES IT, I HAVE HAD IT.
UP UNTIL WE STARTED WORKING
TOGETHER, YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND.
WE WERE GOOD FRIENDS
BECAUSE YOU TRUSTED ME.
NOW YOU THINK I'M
SOME OTHER PERSON,
SOMEONE WHO'D
STAB YOU IN THE BACK.
I AM NOT THAT PERSON.
BLANCHE, I AM STILL
YOUR BEST FRIEND,
WHETHER OR NOT YOU THINK SO.
DOROTHY, I...
I'VE BEEN ACTING
LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN
THE HELL GOT INTO ME.
I KNOW YOU'D NEVER HIDE
ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, DOROTHY.
PLEASE, DOROTHY.
PLEASE.
[TEARFUL] YOU REALLY HURT
MY FEELINGS. I... I DON'T KNOW.
PLEASE. THIS IS TEARING
ME UP. I'M A MESS.
YOU CAN'T TELL FROM THE
WAY I LOOK, BUT IT'S TRUE.
OK, BLANCHE. I FORGIVE YOU.
OH.
DOROTHY, I'VE GOT THE...
THING I WANT YOU TO LOOK OVER.
OH, THE THING. I'LL
LOOK AT IT LATER.
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH?
HOW ABOUT THAT NEW
PIZZA PLACE ON THE CORNER?
- GREAT.
- DOROTHY.
YES?
WHAT WAS THAT THING
MR ALLEN JUST GAVE YOU?
- WHAT THING?
- THAT THING IN YOUR DRAWER.
OH, THAT THING.
- IT'S NOTHING.
- IF IT'S NOTHING, LET ME SEE.
I AM REALLY HUNGRY. LET'S GO
OUT AND GET THAT PIZZA NOW.
IT'S 9.15. I DON'T WANT
PIZZA, I WANT TO SEE THAT.
- I'M SORRY, BLANCHE, YOU CAN'T.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE.
- WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.
NONE OF MY BUSINESS?
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT BEFORE YOU CAME HERE,
EVERYTHING WAS MY BUSINESS.
- SHOW ME THAT PAPER.
- I'M SORRY, BLANCHE, I CAN'T.
I KNEW YOU'D BEEN
HIDING SOMETHING.
YOU NO-GOOD, BACK-STABBING JEZEBEL.
I DEMAND YOU SHOW ME THAT PAPER.
I'M SORRY, FLATTERY WON'T WORK.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WON'T WORK,
YOU AND ME IN THE SAME OFFICE.
STEALING THAT BANQUET
WAS BAD ENOUGH,
BUT HIDING THINGS
IS GOING TOO FAR.
IF YOU WANT THIS JOB THAT BAD
THAT YOU HAVE TO LIE, YOU CAN HAVE IT.
I QUIT!
GIN. [LAUGHS]
- AREN'T YOU GONNA GET MAD?
- NO. WANT TO PLAY AGAIN?
NAH. IF YOU DON'T
GET MAD, IT'S NO FUN.
- YOU STILL UPSET ABOUT BLANCHE?
- YES, MA.
TELL HER THAT COCKAMAMIE
BANQUET IS FOR HER.
I CAN'T, I WAS SWORN TO SECRECY.
- [DOROTHY] HI, BLANCHE.
- EAT DIRT AND DIE, TRASH.
JUST HOLD IT RIGHT
THERE, BLANCHE.
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, MA.
THAT BANQUET YOU'RE MAD
ABOUT IS IN YOUR HONOR.
- WHAT?
- I TOLD YOU, IT WAS A SECRET.
YOUR SECRET, NOT MINE.
- IS THIS TRUE?
- YES, IT IS.
NOW YOU FEEL LIKE THE
DIRT YOU WANTED HER TO EAT,
I THINK I'LL HAVE A HARD CANDY.
DOROTHY, I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- I UNDERSTAND, BLANCHE.
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
SEE, I THOUGHT I WAS
A MIRACLE WORKER,
THAT NOBODY COULD DO
WHAT I DO AT THE MUSEUM.
THEN YOU CAME AND
LEARNED MY JOB IN A WEEK
AND I REALIZED
ANY IDIOT CAN DO IT.
AND YOU WERE AFRAID YOU COULDN'T
FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO APOLOGIZE.
THERE ARE NO RIGHT
WORDS, DOROTHY.
WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO EASE
THE PAIN I'VE INFLICTED ON YOU.
BUT I WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING PERSONAL,
SOMETHING FROM THE HEART.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I OWN,
TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PERSON I KNOW.
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
MY EMERALD EARRINGS.
I'M SURE AS HELL NOT
GONNA GIVE YOU THOSE.
BUT I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
SOMETHING SPECIAL, SOMETHING PERSONAL.
I KNOW, HOW ABOUT A
PERSONAL CHECK FOR $75?
ON THE BOTTOM I'LL WRITE,
"I WAS A BIG FAT JERK."
BLANCHE, I DON'T
WANT YOUR CHECK.
I AM TRYING TO FIND SOME
WAY TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY.
OK, I'LL TAKE IT
BUT I WON'T CASH IT.
I'LL KEEP IT AS A REMINDER FOR THE
NEXT TIME YOU BEHAVE LIKE A BIG FAT JERK.
- OK.
- OH.
WILL YOU BE ABLE TO PRETEND TO
BE SURPRISED AT THAT BANQUET?
OF COURSE. I'VE PRETENDED
TO BE A VIRGIN ENOUGH TIMES.
GIRLS, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
I FOUND THE DOG'S OWNER.
OH, HOW... HOW DID YOU KNOW?
HE RECOGNIZED THE PICTURE. AND
THE DOG CAME TO HIM WHEN HE CALLED.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, I'M SO GLAD HE FOUND...
[TEARFUL] ...HIS OWNER.
DOROTHY... WHY, ARE YOU CRYING?
NO, NO, I JUST HAVE
SOMETHING IN MY EYE.
THAT'S DOG LOVE IN YOUR EYES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I
ADMIT IT. I LOVE DOGS.
IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART
THAT THAT DOG IS GONE.
I FELT THE SAME WHEN
I DROPPED HIM OFF.
THAT'S WHY I STOPPED
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER.
COME ON IN, GUYS. COME ON, GUYS.