The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 8 - Vacation - full transcript

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

YOU SURE YOU'LL BE ALL
RIGHT WHILE WE'RE AWAY?

- DOROTHY, I'LL BE FINE.
- LISTEN. BEHAVE YOURSELF.



DON'T USE THE CAR. NO PARTIES.

AND STAY OUT OF THE LIQUOR
CABINET WHILE WE'RE GONE.

HEY, WHO AM I? GIDGET?
GET OUT OF HERE.

- DO YOU HAVE THE TICKETS?
- YES, ROSE.

- AND THE PASSPORTS?
- YES, ROSE.

- AND PEPTO-BISMOL?
- YES, ROSE.

- DRAMAMINE?
- YES, ROSE.

- CHEWING GUM TO POP OUR EARS?
- YES, ROSE.

DID YOU CALL A CAB
TO GET TO THE AIRPORT?

I CALLED TWO. ONE FOR BLANCHE
AND ME AND ONE FOR YOU.

YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!

I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT
TRAVELING OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

WITH THE PROBLEMS
IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

WE'RE GOING TO AN
ISLAND IN THE CARIBBEAN.



OUR BIGGEST WORRY IS
GETTING STRAP MARKS.

[DOROTHY] COME ON, NOW.

BLANCHE, YOU CAN'T
TAKE ALL THAT LUGGAGE.

BUT, DOROTHY, I MAY RUN INTO A
CELEBRITY WHILE I'M SUNBATHING.

I PACKED WHAT I NEED TO
MAKE ME LOOK DEVASTATING.

THEN I HOPE YOU
PACKED A TIGHT BUTT.

[DOORBELL]

OH. OH, YES.

IS THIS YOUR CAB OR MINE?

ROSE, THERE'S ONLY ONE CAB.

HOW AM I GETTING TO THE AIRPORT?

RUN BEHIND IT!

I HATE LEAVING YOU LIKE THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?

COME ON, SOPHIA, IT'LL BE FUN.

AND THE RESORT IS
GORGEOUS. LOOK HERE.

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL? YOU
CAN HAVE THE KING-SIZE BED.

THERE'S ALREADY
TWO PEOPLE IN IT.

MA, PLEASE. IF NOT, I'LL SPEND MY
ENTIRE VACATION WORRYING ABOUT YOU.

IT'LL BE NICE TO HAVE
THE HOUSE TO MYSELF.

I CAN VACUUM IN THE NUDE.
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

TAKE CARE, SOPHIA.

I'LL CALL YOU THE MINUTE
I GET TO THE HOTEL.

MR MITSUMO.

HI, MR MITSUMO.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU YOU DID
A LOVELY JOB GETTING RID OF THE SNAILS.

IT'S NICE NOT CRUNCHING
WHEN I GO TO THE MAILBOX.

DID I MENTION THAT MY DAUGHTER AND
HER ROOMMATES JUST LEFT ON VACATION?

THEY'LL BE GONE FOR FIVE DAYS.

ANYWAY, I NOTICE UM...

WE'RE ALWAYS
SMILING AT EACH OTHER.

SO I WAS THINKING NOW THAT
WE HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY,

MAYBE SOMETIME WE
COULD SMILE AND TALK

OVER A GLASS OF
TANG OR SOMETHING.

TANG.

TANG IS NOT THE CATCHWORD HERE.

WHAT I MEAN IS, I
THINK YOU'RE VERY NICE

AND I THOUGHT WE
LIKED EACH OTHER,

YOU AND ME.

THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING. YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING.

UNDERSTAND. LITTLE.

YOU CAN PUT THE LUGGAGE RIGHT...

THERE WOULD BE FINE, TOO.

GIRLS, THIS ROOM LOOKS NOTHING
LIKE THE PICTURES IN THE BROCHURE.

THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

WELL, NOT FOR $100 A NIGHT.

AMERICANS! YOU MEASURE
EVERYTHING BY THE DOLLAR.

WE'RE TRYING TO LEARN THE
METRIC SYSTEM. IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

THIS PLACE IS LIKE A SWEATBOX.

OH, GREAT. THE AIR
CONDITIONER'S NOT WORKING.

WHO NEEDS AIR CONDITIONING?

WE HAVE A FRESH OCEAN
BREEZE AND A BREATHTAKING VIEW.

[BLANCHE] WE HAVE NO VIEW.

WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES,
AND THE HEADS OF IMPERIALIST SWINE

ARE IMPALED ON STICKS STUCK IN
THE SAND FOR PEOPLE TO SPIT ON,

YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU
DON'T GOT A VIEW.

THIS ISN'T SOLVING ANYTHING.
I'M GOING TO CALL THE MANAGER.

HELLO.

HELLO? GREAT. THE PHONE'S DEAD.

MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. YOU ONLY
GET LIES FROM THAT SCUM-SUCKING PIG.

WOULD YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS AND TELL
THE SCUMSUCKER WE WANT TO SEE HIM?

OK. BUT HIS DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES,
HE'S THE SECOND TO BE SHOT.

- WHO'S THE FIRST?
- MORALES.

MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,
WHO KNOCKED UP MY SISTER.

TCH!

WELL, THIS IS DANDY. JUST DANDY.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN TALKED
INTO COMING TO THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE.

COME OFF IT, BLANCHE. WE AGREED
THIS IS WHERE WE'D SPEND OUR VACATION.

ALL I WANTED WAS
A TAN ON MY THIGHS.

NOW I'LL PROBABLY END UP A
PRISONER OF THE REVOLUTION.

THEY'LL RIP MY BLOUSE AND
MAKE ME COOK FOR THE OFFICERS

AND SPIT FOOD IN MY FACE
AND MAKE FUN OF MY RECIPES.

AND, EVENTUALLY, I'LL CATCH
THE EYE OF SOME FAT GENERAL

WITH BIG SWEAT
STAINS UNDER HIS ARMS.

AND HE'LL FORCE ME TO LET OUT HIS
UNIFORMS AND SATISFY HIS UGLY NEEDS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE CHRISTMAS
WITH MY EX-HUSBAND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT.

I'M THE ONE WHO'LL SUFFER MOST.

WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING,
I'LL GET ALL WILTED.

NO MAN WILL TALK TO ME.

HOW CAN I GET DATES
WITHOUT A TELEPHONE?

THE WAY YOU ALWAYS DO. GO SIT
IN THE BAR WITHOUT UNDERWEAR.

EVENING! I'M JACQUES DECOURVILLE,
MANAGER OF RUSTLING PALMS

AND REIGNING ISLAND LIMBO KING.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, COME IN.

TALK TO ME. WHAT'S
THE PROBLEM HERE?

TO BEGIN WITH, MR DECOURVILLE,

IN HERE IT SAYS THAT EVERY
ROOM HAS AN OCEAN VIEW.

NOW, WHERE IS OURS?

GIVE ME IT. COME HERE,
KIDDO. HERE, OVER HERE.

STICK YOUR HEAD
OUT OF THE WINDOW.

LOOK TO THE EXTREME
LEFT AND WHAT DO YOU SEE?

TWO GUYS BEATING UP AN OLD LADY.

BEYOND THAT.

- THE OCEAN.
- DA-DA! I REST MY CASE.

WAIT. YOU CALL
THAT AN OCEAN VIEW?

YOU HAVE TO BE A CONTORTIONIST.

HEY, IT DOESN'T SAY
"GREAT OCEAN VIEW".

NOW, LOOK, THESE ACCOMMODATIONS
ARE SIMPLY UNACCEPTABLE.

WE WANT THE ROOM
DESCRIBED IN THE BROCHURE

OR WE TAKE OUR
BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

OK, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

BUT DON'T EXPECT A REFUND.

WE'VE JUST CHECKED IN. WE
HAVEN'T PAID FOR THIS ROOM.

YES, WE HAVE.

I'M SORRY. MY TRAVEL AGENT SAID IT
WOULD BE EASIER TO PREPAY EVERYTHING.

BELIEVE ME, IT IS.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
WE HAVE TO STAY.

GOODY! IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
ANY TIME DAY OR NIGHT, YOU CALL ME.

WE CAN'T. THE PHONE IS DEAD.

THERE'S PLENTY OF STATIONERY
IN THE BUREAU DRAWER. WRITE ME.

I'M STARTING TO ROOT
FOR THE REVOLUTION.

WELL, WE'RE HERE NOW.

COME ON. LET'S
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

MAYBE THIS ROOM
ISN'T A TOTAL LOSS.

A VIBRATING BED.
LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.

COME ON!

COME ON, IT'LL BE FUN.

ARE YOU READY?

[BUZZER]

♪ GUANTANAMERA ♪
JUANITA GUANTANAMERA

♪ GUANTANAMERA ♪
JUANITA GUANTANAMERA

[TRADITIONAL
ORIENTAL STRING MUSIC]

THIS HAS BEEN A
GREAT DAY, MR MITSUMO.

TOSHIRO.

THIS HAS BEEN A
GREAT DAY, TOSHIRO.

DRIVING YOUR LAWN-BOY
WAS SO EXCITING.

EAT. EAT.

THAT'S AMAZING. YOU EAT WITH
LITTLE STICKS, NEVER MISSING A BITE.

MY PEOPLE DROP HALF THEIR MEAL
WHILE USING A FORK, A SPOON AND BREAD.

SO, SEE, SO.

SO, EXACTLY... EXACTLY
WHAT IS THIS STUFF?

IS SUSHI.

RAW FISH. VERY GOOD.

WHOOPS! THAT FLEW
RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND.

MMM.

THAT WAS DELICIOUS.

I COULDN'T EAT ANOTHER BITE.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.

EVEN THOUGH YOU EAT RAW FISH

AND LISTEN TO A
PIANO BEING TUNED,

I FIND YOU AWFULLY CUTE.

SOPHIA, CUTER.

BLANCHE, WHAT IS ALL THAT STUFF?

JUST MY NATURAL
BEAUTY SUPPLEMENTS.

THIS IS MY APRICOT FACIAL SCRUB

AND MY HONEY SKIN TONER
AND MY COCONUT MOISTURIZER.

IF I PUT CRACKED ICE AND AN UMBRELLA
ON YOUR HEAD, YOU'D BE A MAI TAI.

OOH.

I WISH WE HAD
PACKED A BUG SPRAY.

GIRLS, I'VE GOT OUR WHOLE
DAY PLANNED TOMORROW.

AFTER BREAKFAST, WE'RE GOING TO
GO OUT ON A GLASS-BOTTOMED BOAT.

AND THEN AT TEN O'CLOCK,
WE'LL TOUR AN OLD SPANISH FORT.

THEN AT THREE O'CLOCK, WE'LL VISIT
THE WRECK OF THE SANTA JUANITA.

WE'LL FINISH OFF THE DAY WITH A SUNSET
HIKE TO EXPLORE A DORMANT VOLCANO.

ALL RIGHT, FORGET THE VOLCANO.

NO, ROSE, I JUST KILLED A
MOSQUITO ON YOUR CHEEK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DOROTHY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'LL GO WASH THIS
SQUASHED BUG OFF MY FACE.

[MAN] YEAH, JUST A MINUTE.
WON'T BE VERY LONG.

OKEY-DOKEY, TAKE YOUR TIME.

THERE'S SOMEBODY
IN THE BATHROOM.

HE SAID HE WOULDN'T BE LONG.

[MAN] HEY, DON'T RUSH ME.

IT'LL TAKE AS LONG
AS IT'S GONNA TAKE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. THERE'S
A MAN IN OUR BATHROOM.

DOROTHY, RELAX,
LET ME HANDLE THIS.

HELLO THERE. EXCUSE
ME, SIR. ARE YOU MARRIED?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M NOT.

I HOPE ONE DAY YOU MEET
THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS,

BUT WHO ARE YOU AND WHY
ARE YOU IN OUR BATHROOM?

- I'M DWAYNE AND THAT'S RICK.
- AND I'M WINSTON HARDWICK III.

WE'RE VERY GLAD TO MEET YOU,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN OUR BATHROOM?

THIS IS OUR ROOM. I'M AFRAID WE
SIX HAVE TO SHARE THIS BATHROOM.

I'M NOT SHARING A BATHROOM
WITH THREE STRANGE MEN.

I DON'T CARE IF
IT IS MY VACATION.

YOU'VE GOT NO CHOICE, LADY.
THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH JOHNS.

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- YEAH? YOU THINK WE'RE HAPPY

HAVING TO GARGLE NEXT TO
GRANDMA MOSES AND THE MOSETTES?

YOU... YOU... YOU RUDE PERSON!

GO EASY ON HIM, LOLA.

LADIES, AS LONG AS WE'RE
STUCK WITH EACH OTHER,

LET ME GIVE YOU A PIECE OF
FRIENDLY ADVICE. BUZZ OFF.

- BEAT IT.
- YEAH, SCRAM.

LOOK, KID, YOU CAN
JUST KISS MY PATOOTIE.

THIS IS OUR JOHN, AND IF YOU
HAVE TO GO, THE JUNGLE'S THAT WAY.

COME ON, LADIES.

THE MEAL WAS DISGUSTING.

WHAT DO YOU GIRLS
WANT TO DO NOW?

LET'S DRAW CARDS FOR THE
REST OF THE PEPTO-BISMOL.

OH, NO, IT'S THOSE NASTY BOYS.

LADIES, I HATE TO DISTURB YOU,

BUT WE WOULD LIKE
TO BUY YOU A DRINK.

- WHY, THANK YOU.
- BLANCHE!

I'M SORRY. IT WAS A REFLEX
REACTION. NO, THANK YOU AND GOODBYE.

LOOK, WE HAD A CHANCE TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT WE SAID LAST NIGHT

AND WE'RE REAL SORRY.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SHOCK
FINDING US IN YOUR BATHROOM.

PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGIES.

WELL, ALL RIGHT,
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

NOW YOU CAN BUY US THAT DRINK.

A MAGNUM OF YOUR BEST CHAMPAGNE.

SO, HOW HAVE YOU LADIES
BEEN ENJOYING YOUR VACATION?

AS A CHILD DURING
THE DEPRESSION,

I HAD TO HAVE MY WISDOM TEETH
EXTRACTED BY A SHOEMAKER.

THAT WAS MORE FUN THAN THIS.

LADIES, LET'S FACE IT.
THE ISLAND'S A BORE.

HOWEVER, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE
ACCESS TO A SAILBOAT TONIGHT.

ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN AN EVENING CRUISE?

I'M GAME. WHAT ABOUT YOU GIRLS?

- SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
- WHY NOT?

WE'LL MEET YOU BACK
HERE IN 45 MINUTES.

THAT'LL GIVE ME ENOUGH
TIME TO CALL MY MOTHER.

[LAUGHS] YOUR
MOTHER'S STILL LIVING?

I'M SORRY.

NOW TRY THE VEAL
PICCATA. YOU'LL WEEP.

MMM.

SOPHIA VERY SWEET.

TOSHIRO, CAN I
MAKE A CONFESSION?

YOU BRING OUT THE BEAST IN ME.

I KNOW YOU LOOK
AT ME, YOU THINK,

"THERE'S A CHICK
WHO GETS AROUND."

BUT UNTIL I MET YOU, I DIDN'T
KNOW I STILL HAD THOSE FEELINGS.

YOU MADE ME REALIZE
THERE'S A LOT OF WISDOM

IN WHAT SICILIANS SAY
ABOUT THE OLD OLIVE TREE.

ALTHOUGH IT'S
ANCIENT AND GNARLED,

AND NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT,

IT STILL HAS THE
TASTIEST, PLUMPEST OLIVES.

TOSHIRO, HOW ABOUT AN OLIVE?

OLIVE?

I REALIZE YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND MOST OF THIS.

BUT THAT'S OK. I WAS
MARRIED 45 YEARS.

MY HUSBAND SPOKE
PERFECT ENGLISH,

NEVER UNDERSTOOD A WORD I SAID.

ER...

TOSHIRO, I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU LEARNED SOME ENGLISH.

LESSON NUMBER ONE.

KISS.

[PHONE RINGS]

WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

DOROTHY, NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU.

HOW'S THE VACATION? GOOD.
NOTHING'S HAPPENING HERE. TAKE CARE.

LESSON NUMBER ONE. KISS.

[BLANCHE] OH,
BEAUTIFUL MOTHER EARTH!

LAND, LAND AT LAST!

HOW LONG WERE WE OUT THERE?

AT LEAST TWO ROSARIES.

WE'RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

YOU MISERABLE LOW-DOWN
PIECE OF YANKEE SLIME!

BLANCHE, I SENSE SOME
HOSTILITY TOWARDS ME.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO SENSE A
COCONUT UPSIDE YOUR HEAD?

- GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
- I DON'T WANT TO!

THEY SAIL US RIGHT OUT
IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.

AND WE END UP SHIPWRECKED
ON THIS GODFORSAKEN ISLAND!

SO, WE MADE A FEW
MISTAKES. NOBODY'S PERFECT.

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
- "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?"

YOU ALMOST KILLED
US, YOU NITWITS!

I HATE YOU! I CURSE THE
DAY I EVER LAID EYES ON YOU.

I CURSE THE DAY YOUR MOMMA
LAID EYES ON YOUR DADDY,

AND THE DAY HE
LAID DOWN WITH HER.

YOU LADIES SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.

IT WAS OUR SUPERIOR SAILING
SKILL THAT SAVED YOUR LIVES.

HANGING ONTO THE
MAST, SCREAMING,

"PLEASE, GOD, TAKE THE OLD
LADIES, BUT DON'T HURT US."

THAT DOES NOT QUALIFY AS SKILL.

LOOK, LADIES, WE'VE TAKEN
ALL THE GUFF WE'RE GONNA TAKE.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ALL
THE GUFF I GOT AND LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

I'M IN CHARGE. FROM NOW
ON, EVERYONE LISTENS TO ME.

WHY SHOULD WE LISTEN TO YOU?

I AM THE MOST DECORATED PIONEER SCOUT
IN THE HISTORY OF NORTHERN MINNESOTA.

I CAN BUILD A 100-FOOT BRIDGE,
START A FIRE WITH ROCKS,

DISTIL SEA WATER
INTO DRINKING WATER.

IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS
ALIVE, LISTEN TO ME. ANY OBJECTIONS?

NO.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

START BREAKING UP THE BOAT.
WE NEED WOOD FOR A FIRE.

AND, YOU THREE,
HEAD UP THAT RIDGE.

BASED ON ROCK FORMATIONS, THERE'S
A GOOD CHANCE OF A WATERFALL.

IF YOU FIND NOTHING, HEAD BACK TO
THE COASTLINE AND LOOK FOR OUR FIRE.

NOW, MOVE. I SAID MOVE!

DOROTHY, SHOULD WE
BE LISTENING TO ROSE?

QUIET. I DON'T THINK WE'RE
ALLOWED TO TALK WHILE WE WORK.

HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN GONE?

OVER FOUR HOURS.

YOU DON'T THINK ANYTHING
HAPPENED TO THEM?

NO, I THINK THEY PROBABLY
JUST STOPPED TO REST.

MAYBE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING TO CARRY WATER.

MAYBE THEY WERE CLAWED TO
DEATH BY BLOODTHIRSTY ANIMALS.

WATER ISN'T ALL THAT CAN BE
AROUND THAT ROCK FORMATION.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

A PIONEER SCOUT
ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH.

SO I'M GOING TO BE
EVEN MORE HONEST.

OUR BIG WORRY IS NOBODY KNOWS WE'RE
MISSING SO NOBODY'S LOOKING FOR US.

THE ODDS ARE DECENT
THAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

OH, ROSE. COME ON, NOW.
YOU'RE JUST TIRED AND THIRSTY.

YEAH, WE'RE ALL
TIRED AND THIRSTY.

LET'S NOT WAIT FOR THE BOYS.

WHIP US UP A BATCH OF FRESH
WATER MADE FROM SEA WATER.

ABOUT THE SEA WATER...

- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT?
- I KNOW HOW.

THERE'S JUST ONE LITTLE PROBLEM.

I NEED A TEN-GALLON COPPER POT,
SEVEN FEET OF ALUMINUM TUBING

AND A BIG ROLL OF CHEESECLOTH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION
THIS WHILE YOU WERE

BOSSING EVERYBODY
AROUND, MISS PIONEER DOPE?

THINGS WERE GOING SO WELL AND
EVERYBODY WAS PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION.

I JUST KIND OF GOT
CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.

BUT IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
LEADER ANY MORE.

I NOMINATE DOROTHY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT IS TO
BANISH YOU FROM MY KINGDOM.

OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY. I
KNOW YOU MEANT WELL.

I'M NOT CRYING
ABOUT THE COMMENT.

I'M CRYING BECAUSE WE'RE DYING
AND I'VE SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU.

- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE...

ONCE I READ YOUR DIARY.

YOU WHAT?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
YOU LEFT IT OPEN.

I WAS 20 PAGES IN
BEFORE I REALIZED

IT WASN'T A SIDNEY
SHELDON NOVEL.

ROSE NYLUND, I WANT YOU
OUT OF MY HOUSE THIS INSTANT.

BLANCHE.

I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU
AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

AND SINCE WE HAVE NO WATER,
THAT MEANS ABOUT ANOTHER 48 HOURS.

SINCE WE'RE GONNA DIE ANYWAY, I
MIGHT AS WELL BE HONEST, TOO. ROSE.

I SLEPT WITH YOUR
CROSS-EYED COUSIN NOLAN

WHEN HE VISITED US FROM OHIO.

AND HE WAS LOUSY IN BED.

I KNEW ABOUT THAT
A LONG TIME AGO.

NOLAN TOLD ME. HE SAID YOU
WERE THE ONE THAT WAS LOUSY.

TAKE THAT BACK.

- WON'T!
- WILL!

LET'S EXAMINE OUR PRIORITIES.

WE HAVE NO FOOD,
WATER OR SHELTER.

BESIDES, I ALSO SLEPT WITH
NOLAN ON THAT FATEFUL TRIP.

AND AS YOUR
LEADER, I MUST DECREE

THAT THE FAULT
INDEED LIES WITH NOLAN.

WELL, SINCE WE'RE BEING HONEST,
DOROTHY, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.

BEST FRIENDS SHOULD BE ABLE
TO CONFIDE IN ONE ANOTHER.

HOW COME I OVERHEARD
YOU ON THE TELEPHONE

TELLING ANITA I
HAD MY TUBES TIED?

I SAID YOU'D BOUGHT A TUBE TOP.
WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR TUBES TIED?

I DIDN'T. IF I HAD, IT'D HAVE BEEN
WHEN YOU HAD YOUR NOSE DONE.

I NEVER HAD MY NOSE DONE.
ROSE IS THE ONE WHO HAD IT DONE.

WHOOPS. SORRY, ROSE.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU TWO KEPT THAT
SECRET FROM ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

YOU'RE ALWAYS SO CRITICAL
ABOUT THOSE KINDS OF THINGS.

I AM NOT. HOW MUCH
DID IT COST YOU?

- $700.
- BOY, YOU WERE GYPPED.

YOU SEE? THAT'S EXACTLY WHY
ROSE DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU.

YOU ARE OVERLY CRITICAL. THAT'S
WHAT I LIKE LEAST ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE LEAST
ABOUT YOU? YOU ARE OVERBEARING.

KNOW WHAT I LIKE
LEAST ABOUT YOU BOTH?

- YOU ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
- SHUT UP!

WILL SOMEBODY SAY, "I'M
SORRY" BEFORE I BURST?

[DOROTHY AND ROSE] I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY AND IF I DIE, I'M GLAD
I'M WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.

- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU.

AND I LOVE BOTH OF YOU.

I'M JUST SO FULL OF
LOVE, I HAVE TO LET IT OUT.

♪ I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD
TO SING IN PERFECT HARMONY

[MEN] ♪ WE'D LIKE TO HOLD IT IN
OUR ARMS AND KEEP IT COMPANY...

HEY!

HOW ABOUT A MAI TAI?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

ROSE SAID THERE
MIGHT BE A WATERFALL.

YOU WERE RIGHT.
THERE IS A WATERFALL.

AND IT EMPTIES INTO A POOL

IN THE LOBBY OF
THE HYATT REGENCY!

WE NEVER LEFT THE ISLAND. WE
GOT SHIPWRECKED ON THE GOOD SIDE.

OUR NEW HOTEL IS
HALF A MILE THIS WAY.

WE RESERVED YOU A
ROOM. PUT OUT THE FIRE.

LADIES, AS LONG AS
WE'RE NOT GOING TO DIE,

I SUGGEST EVERYTHING WE SAID
WON'T GO FURTHER THAN US THREE.

IN THE SCOUTS WE
MADE IT OFFICIAL

BY PRICKING OUR FINGERS WITH A
PENKNIFE AND TAKING A BLOOD OATH.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- [BOTH] SHUT UP, ROSE.

I SURE AM GLAD
EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL.

♪ I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD
TO SING IN PERFECT HARMONY

♪ I'D LIKE TO HOLD
IT IN MY ARMS...