The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 4 - It's a Miserable Life - full transcript

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

HI, MA. HOW DID YOU DO?

- I GOT 35 PEOPLE TO SIGN UP.
- THAT'S GREAT!



WAIT, MA, THREE OF
THESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

WHO ARE THEY GONNA TELL?

- HI.
- OH, HI, BLANCHE.

THERE YOU GO!

YOU'VE BEEN GONE THREE HOURS
AND YOU ONLY GOT ONE GUY TO SIGN?

GIVE ME A CHANCE TO FRESHEN UP.

I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ONE!

GIRLS. I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

I COULDN'T GET MRS
CLAXTON TO SIGN THE PETITION.

THAT TREE'S ON HER PROPERTY!

IF SHE DOESN'T SIGN, THE
CITY WILL CHOP THE TREE DOWN.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. WHY WOULD SHE
WANNA CUT DOWN THAT 200-YEAR-OLD OAK TREE?

BECAUSE FRIEDA CLAXTON IS A
MISERABLE, VILE, SCUM-SUCKING CRANK

WHO GIVES NICE OLD
LADIES LIKE ME A BAD NAME.



BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A TOTALLY
ROTTEN HUMAN BEING!

THERE IS NO SUCH A THING AS "A ROTTEN
HUMAN BEING". THERE'S GOOD IN EVERYBODY.

I AGREE WITH SOPHIA. MRS
CLAXTON IS A MEAN OLD WOMAN.

- ALL THE NEIGHBORS HATE HER.
- DON'T SAY THAT!

COME ON! LAST HALLOWEEN,

HALF THE KIDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WORE FRIEDA CLAXTON COSTUMES!

WELL, MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDS
TO BE SHOWN SOME KINDNESS,

LIKE A FELLOW I KNEW
BACK HOME, ERNEST MINKY.

I'M SUDDENLY SO HUNGRY!
I'LL GET SOME FOOD.

BOY, THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL!

ONE MORE STORY ABOUT THE COLORFUL
PEOPLE FROM ST OLAF, AND I'LL EXPLODE!

- HE WAS ST OLAF'S LIBRARIAN.
- KABOOM!

HE WAS ALSO OUR
TOWN'S ONLY DENTIST.

HIS OFFICE WAS IN THE LIBRARY.
HE DID BOTH JOBS AT THE SAME TIME.

EVERYONE HATED MINKY!

HE SEEMED TO ENJOY
GIVING OTHER PEOPLE PAIN.

THEY HATED HIM SO MUCH,

NOBODY EVER WENT TO THE
DENTIST - OR THE LIBRARY.

IN 1938, YOU COULD TELL IF
SOMEONE WAS FROM ST OLAF.

THEY WERE ILLITERATE AND THEY HAD
TEETH THAT LOOKED LIKE INDIAN CORN!

THANK YOU, ROSE. THAT
WAS A WONDERFUL STORY.

I'M ONLY HALF DONE.

I PASSED A KIDNEY STONE ONCE
THAT WAS LESS PAINFUL THAN THIS.

ONE SUMMER, I WORKED UP ENOUGH NERVE TO
CHECK OUT THE LATEST NANCY DREW MYSTERY

AND MR MINKY WAS
STAMPING MY BOOK

AND HIS TIE CAUGHT IN
THE STAMPING MACHINE.

HE'D HAVE DIED, IF I HADN'T CUT
HIS TIE WITH MY GIRL SCOUT KNIFE.

HE WAS SO GRATEFUL, HE
CHECKED MY BOOK OUT FOR A WEEK!

- WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THAT?
- USUALLY IT WAS FOR AN HOUR.

MR MINKY ALWAYS SAID,
"BOOKS BELONG IN A LIBRARY."

REALLY? 'CAUSE I ALWAYS THOUGHT
CHURCHILL SAID THAT AT YALTA.

THE POINT IS, SOME PEOPLE SEEM
MEAN BUT JUST NEED A LITTLE KINDNESS.

AND SOME PEOPLE, LIKE OLD LADY
CLAXTON, ARE JUST PLAIN ROTTEN!

I'M GONNA PROVE YOU ALL WRONG!

THERE IS A WEEK LEFT BEFORE
THE COMMISSIONERS' MEETING.

I'LL BE AS NICE AS I
CAN. I BET, BY THEN,

SHE'LL BE AS ANXIOUS
TO SAVE THAT TREE AS US.

HELLO, MRS CLAXTON? THIS IS
ROSE NYLUND. HOW ARE YOU?

I'VE NEVER SAT ON ONE BEFORE,
BUT WOULDN'T THAT BE PAINFUL?

SOPHIA, FORGET IT.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.

- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE STAPLING A $20 BILL

TO THE PETITION IS ILLEGAL.

IT'S BRIBERY. DON'T SAY THAT'S
HOW YOU GOT THINGS DONE IN SICILY.

THAT'S NOT HOW WE GOT
THINGS DONE IN SICILY.

BRIBERY WAS HOW WE GOT
THINGS DONE IN NEW YORK.

IN SICILY, YOU CUT OFF A HORSE'S
HEAD AND PUT IT IN SOMEBODY'S BED.

- SOPHIA, YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
- LIKE HELL.

OUR GARBAGE COMMISSIONER, FREDO
LOMBARDY, WENT ON STRIKE ONCE.

HE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING
SHARING A PILLOW WITH NATIONAL VELVET.

AT 7.00AM, HE WAS OUT CLEANING
THE STREET WITH HIS TONGUE.

SOPHIA, WE LIVE IN THE
GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

A COUNTRY FOUNDED ON THE PRINCIPLES
OF HONESTY, TRUTH AND FAIRNESS.

I AM CERTAIN THAT,
ONCE WE PRESENT OUR

PETITION, THE DEMOCRATIC
SYSTEM WILL PREVAIL.

AND OUR NOBLE EFFORT TO SAVE THAT
MIGHTY OAK WILL PROVE VICTORIOUS.

YOU CERTAINLY SOUND
PRETTY CONFIDENT.

SHE SLEPT WITH
TWO COMMISSIONERS.

THAT WORKS IN
SICILY AND NEW YORK.

GIRLS, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS. I'VE
JUST COME FROM MRS CLAXTON'S

AND SHE SAYS SHE
WANTS TO SAVE THE TREE!

- YOU'RE KIDDING!
- HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?

PERSISTENCE.

I'VE GONE TO HER HOUSE EVERY DAY WITH A
VARIETY OF DANISH, BEGGING HER TO LISTEN.

SHE DIDN'T WANT THE
APRICOT AND SHE DIDN'T

WANT THE CHEESE, BUT
THE PRUNE DID THE TRICK!

ALWAYS DOES FOR ME.

AFTER SHE SNARFED DOWN TWO,
SHE SAID SHE'D SAVE THE TREE.

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL,
HERE'S THE MISERABLE WITCH.

SOPHIA...

MRS CLAXTON, HOW
LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR,
BLANCHE DEVEREAUX.

OH, YEAH. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
YOU WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WITH MY BINOCULARS, I HAVE A
TERRIFIC VIEW IN YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.

SOME OF THE STUFF YOU DO MUST
BE ILLEGAL. I'M LOOKING INTO IT.

WHY, YOU MISERABLE OLD...

LET'S TRY TO GET ALONG.

MRS CLAXTON, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
REMEMBER ME. DOROTHY ZBORNAK.

SURE. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH
NOTHING GOING ON IN YOUR BEDROOM.

- WHY, YOU MISERABLE OLD...
- DOROTHY!

MRS CLAXTON, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW WE ALL
APPRECIATE YOU HELPING US TO SAVE THE TREE.

I'M NOT. I'M HERE TO MAKE SURE THEY
TEAR IT DOWN. I HATE TREES. I HATE PEOPLE.

ROSE TOLD US YOU
SAID YOU WOULD HELP US.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- NOW YOU'RE NOT?

- WHY DID YOU LIE?
- TO GET THE DANISH.

LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING I HATE
MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO THINKS

EVERYONE WHO LIVES ALONE WANTS
COMPANY AND A FEW KIND WORDS.

I LIVE ALONE BECAUSE I LIKE IT.

I'VE NO USE FOR PEOPLE.
NEVER HAVE. SEE YOU INSIDE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO THROW HOLY WATER ON HER.

IF HER HEAD SPINS AROUND,
WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

IT IS THE CONSENSUS OF THE
COMMITTEE THAT THE PROMOTERS' PETITION

FOR THE OUTDOOR
CONCERT BE DENIED.

NEXT ON THE AGENDA IS THE
PROPOSAL TO WIDEN RICHMOND STREET.

WILL THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THOSE WANTING
TO BLOCK THE PROPOSAL STEP FORWARD?

- WISH ME LUCK.
- WAIT. WHY SHOULD YOU DO IT?

BECAUSE WE'LL HAVE
A BETTER CHANCE.

I HAPPEN TO BE A
WONDERFUL ORATOR.

TWO OF THE COMMISSIONERS
CAN VERIFY THAT.

BLANCHE, "ORATOR"
MEANS "SPEAKER".

REALLY?

OH. WELL, SOMEBODY
ELSE DO THE TALKING.

- LADIES, WE'RE WAITING.
- LET ME SAVE EVERYONE TIME.

MY NAME IS FRIEDA CLAXTON.
THE TREE IS ON MY PROPERTY

AND I DON'T CARE IF THE
CITY WANTS TO CUT IT DOWN.

60 PEOPLE LIVE ON THAT BLOCK AND THEY'VE
ALL SIGNED THIS PETITION TO SAVE THE TREE.

CONCRETE'S CLEANER!

- THEY'LL GET USED TO IT.
- MRS CLAXTON, PLEASE!

I HAVE PICTURES
OF IT TO SHOW YOU.

YOU WANNA LOOK AT
PICTURES? I'VE GOT PICTURES!

OF HER ROOMMATE,
THE HUMAN SLINKY.

SHUT UP, CLAXTON!

WERE THERE, UH... ANY OTHER FACES
RECOGNIZABLE IN THOSE PICTURES?

YOU SHUT UP TOO, ED.

STOP WASTING THE
TAXPAYERS' MONEY.

YANK OUT THAT TREE AND
START POURING CEMENT.

MRS CLAXTON, THINK
ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THAT BEAUTIFUL OLD
TREE IS 200 YEARS OLD.

HOW CAN YOU HATE A LIVING THING?

I HATE YOU.

THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD ALL
I'M GONNA TAKE FROM YOU!

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE COMMON DECENCY
TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE HUMAN BEINGS,

THEN I'M NOT GONNA WASTE
MY TIME KISSING YOUR FANNY!

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MRS
CLAXTON, YOU SIT THERE

AND SHUT UP WHILE
WE HAVE OUR SAY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DROP DEAD!

GO ON, DOROTHY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU KNOW YOU SAID, "DROP DEAD"?

- YES.
- I THINK SHE DID.

WHY DO PEOPLE DIE, DOROTHY?

OH, ROSE, PLEASE. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHY FOOLS FALL IN LOVE.

I KILLED HER. I MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE SHOT HER WITH A GUN.

HONEY, THE WOMAN WAS
83. SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK.

IT WAS A COINCIDENCE. YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT
FOR TWO NIGHTS. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

- ROSE, YOU CAN'T SLEEP AGAIN?
- NO.

ROSE, YOU HAVE TO
PUT THIS BEHIND YOU.

YOU KILLED MRS
CLAXTON TWO DAYS AGO.

BLANCHE!

I MEAN SHE DIED TWO DAYS AGO.

ROSE KNOWS SHE
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

SHE'S JUST UPSET. GO TO HER FUNERAL,
HAVE A GOOD CRY. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

THERE WON'T BE A FUNERAL. MRS CLAXTON
DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR RELATIVES.

SHE'LL BE BURIED IN AN UNMARKED
GRAVE IN A POTTER'S FIELD.

GEE, THAT'S TOO BAD. IS
THERE ANYMORE CHEESE CAKE?

BLANCHE, HOW CAN
YOU BE SO CALLOUS?

SORRY, BUT I WON'T
PRETEND TO BE IN MOURNING.

MRS CLAXTON WORKED OVERTIME
AT BEING A NASTY WOMAN.

BLANCHE IS RIGHT. THAT'S WHY
NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO HER FUNERAL.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU DROPPED DEAD
AND NOBODY SHOWED UP AT YOUR FUNERAL?

IT'S PROBABLY A PERSONAL
THING, BUT FOR ME,

I THINK DROPPING DEAD WOULD
BE THE BIGGER DISAPPOINTMENT.

THERE'LL BE TONS
OF PEOPLE AT MINE.

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

I WAS AT MY FUNERAL
AT 16. I SAW IT ALL.

WHAT?

16 WAS A VERY
DIFFICULT AGE FOR ME.

MY HORMONES WERE RACING,
MY BODY WAS BLOSSOMING.

I HAD URGES AND
YEARNINGS SO STRONG.

SOMETIMES I'D WAKE
UP IN THE NIGHT,

SWEATING AND SCREAMING AND
CLAWING, LIKE A TRAPPED PANTHER.

UNABLE TO RELEASE THE
LUSTY, STEAMY PASSIONS

THAT CONSTANTLY THREATENED
TO ERUPT FROM WITHIN ME.

WHEN I WAS 16, I HAD ACNE AND PLAYED
THE ACCORDION IN A MARCHING BAND.

WELL, NOTHING SEEMED
TO GO RIGHT THAT YEAR.

BUT THE FINAL INDIGNITY OCCURRED
DURING THE MISS MAGNOLIA BLOSSOM PAGEANT.

INSTEAD OF AWARDING ME THE CROWN

AS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE
COUNTY, THEY MADE ME RUNNER-UP!

AND AWARDED ME MISS
CONGENIALITY INSTEAD.

AT THAT MOMENT, I VOWED
TO MAKE THAT TOWN PAY

FOR VALUING MY PERSONALITY
OVER MY PERFECT BODY.

I HEAR VANNA WHITE
HAS THE SAME PROBLEM.

I DECIDED TO KILL MYSELF TO
TEACH THAT TOWN A LESSON.

I PHONIED-UP MY DEATH
IN A RIVERBOAT ACCIDENT.

I HAD THE CAPTAIN, WHO I WAS
SEEING AFTER SCHOOL, HELP ME.

EVERYTHING WENT PERFECTLY. THE
TOWN HAD NEVER SEEN A FUNERAL LIKE MINE.

HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE,
BEAUTIFUL EULOGIES.

THEN, JUST AS THE MINISTER WAS GETTING
EVERYBODY IN A FRENZY OF GRIEVING,

I RUSHED OUT AND SAID, "YOO-HOO!
IT'S ME, BLANCHE! I'M NOT REALLY DEAD!"

THE NEXT THING I KNEW, MY DADDY WAS
HORSE-WHIPPING THAT RIVERBOAT CAPTAIN

AND DRAGGING ME OFF TO A
RELIGIOUS GIRLS' SCHOOL IN ATLANTA.

MY DADDY DIDN'T GET ANGRY, BUT WHEN
HE WAS, HE WAS A REAL PECKERWOOD.

WHAT'S EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT?

I CAN HONESTLY
SAY I HAVE NO IDEA.

WE STARTED OUT TALKING
ABOUT MRS CLAXTON'S FUNERAL.

BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, WE
SEGUED INTO BLANCHE, THE MINISERIES.

WHEN'S HER FUNERAL? I
WANNA PAY MY RESPECTS.

- BUT I THOUGHT YOU HATED HER.
- I DID.

YOU GO TO A FUNERAL TO
SHOW THE MAN UPSTAIRS

YOU HAVE RESPECT FOR HUMAN LIFE, NO
MATTER HOW WRETCHED. ANY IDIOT KNOWS THAT.

- I KNEW THAT.
- SEE?

MRS CLAXTON WON'T
HAVE A FUNERAL.

SHE HAD NO FRIENDS
AND NO RELATIVES.

- WE'LL POP FOR HER FUNERAL.
- WHY?

TO SHOW THE MAN UPSTAIRS THAT WE
HAVE SOME REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE.

NO, IT'S A SICILIAN CUSTOM. IT'S GOOD
LUCK TO BURY SOMEBODY YOU HATE.

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME.

YOU FEEL BAD BECAUSE MRS
CLAXTON DIDN'T HAVE ANYBODY.

MAYBE I DO. WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

- YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL CHIP IN.
- SOPHIA, COUNT ME IN, TOO.

OH, SOPHIA, I THINK YOU'RE
A WONDERFUL PERSON.

IT'S A LOVELY IDEA TO SHARE MRS
CLAXTON'S FUNERAL EXPENSES EQUALLY.

I FIGURE YOUR SHARE
SHOULD BE HALF!

AFTER ALL, YOU'RE THE
ONE WHO KILLED HER!

- LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
- TRY TO CALM DOWN.

FUNERAL HOMES
GIVE ME THE WILLIES.

THAT'S WHY I'VE AVOIDED THEM. I'VE
ONLY BEEN TO TWO FUNERALS AND I'M 45.

YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

ALRIGHT, THEN, THREE FUNERALS.

THE POINT IS, LET'S
HURRY UP AND GO!

- HELLO!
- I'M ALRIGHT, I'M FINE.

EXCUSE HER. FUNERAL
HOMES MAKE HER NERVOUS.

THEY USED TO MAKE
ME NERVOUS, TOO.

AT FUNERAL HOMES, ALL THEY
TALK ABOUT IS CASKETS AND BURIALS.

AT FOREVER PEACEFUL, WE'VE
GOT RID OF ALL THAT DEATH STUFF.

ARE YOU RUNNING A SUSHI BAR?

COME THIS WAY. THIS IS
OUR SLUMBER CHAMBER.

AND HERE'S MY CARD. HOW
MAY I BE OF SERVICE TO YOU?

- WELL, MR PFEIFFER...
- THAT'S P-FEIFFER, NO SILENT P.

WELL, MR P-FEIFFER...

WE'RE INTERESTED IN
ARRANGING A FUNERAL.

ISN'T THAT LOVELY? THE THREE
OF YOU PLANNING FOR MOTHER.

P-FEIFFER, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A PUNCH IN YOUR P-FACE?

THE FUNERAL IS FOR A NEIGHBOR.

- WELL, MY CONDOLENCES.
- NO NEED. WE DIDN'T LIKE HER.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
DESPISED HER.

- HOW DID SHE PASS ON?
- SHE KILLED HER.

ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

ER, LOOK, MR P-FEIFFER...

ABOUT THE
P-FUNERAL... ABOUT THE...

ABOUT THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS,
WE'D LIKE SOMETHING SIMPLE,

- TASTEFUL, YET...
- INCREDIBLY CHEAP.

OK. LET'S GET DOWN
TO BRASS HANDLES.

LADIES, I'D LIKE TO
PRESENT TO YOU THE WINNER

OF THE 1985 CRYPT AND
CASKET DESIGN AWARD.

PARIS HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT.

- IT'S THE OMEGA 3,000.
- HOW MUCH?

THAT TOP IS HAND-EMBELLISHED
GOLD-LEAF DETAIL WORK.

THE SATIN INTERIOR IS IMPORTED
FROM A TEXTILE MILL OUTSIDE GSTAAD.

- HOW MUCH?
- IT'S ALSO LEAD-LINED...

WE'RE NOT BURYING
SUPERMAN. HOW MUCH?

- $6,000.
- MY FIRST HOUSE COST LESS!

MR P-FEIFFER, WE
HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU

WE ARE BEREAVED ON A BUDGET.

NOW, IF YOU CAN'T ACCOMMODATE
US, WE'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN.

YOU KNOW, THE AVANTI
SUPREME IS A BIG SELLER.

- THAT RETAILS FOR JUST $3,000.
- WHAT'S THIS ONE?

- A PINE BOX.
- HOW MUCH?

- $200.
- SOLD!

WHEN WOULD YOU
LIKE THE SERVICES?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- THURSDAY NIGHT?

- THURSDAY NIGHT!
- NOT THURSDAY. HELL, NO.

I'M SORRY, I FORGOT.
THE COSBY SHOW.

- HOW ABOUT FRIDAY?
- YOU HAVE A TV GUIDE?

- FRIDAY WILL BE FINE.
- THANK YOU.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, HAVE YOU
THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR OWN FINAL FAREWELL?

I INTEND TO GO OUT WITH A BANG.

AND SHE MEANS THAT.

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

SUCH A TRAGEDY, SUCH A TRAGEDY.

MA, TRY NOT TO UPSET YOURSELF.

TWO MEN ON, THE
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH.

THAT BOTCHER HASN'T BUNKED!

GIVE ME THAT.

I'M TIRED OF SITTING
HERE. LET'S GO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THERE WAS
AN ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE PAPER.

HER FRIENDS MUST HAVE REALIZED
SHE DIED. WHY DIDN'T THEY COME?

THEY WERE TOO BUSY CELEBRATING.

YOU GO AHEAD, I JUST WANNA
SIT HERE A WHILE LONGER.

OH, I HOPE I'M NOT TOO
LATE FOR THE FUNERAL.

WHY, NO.

- NO, NOT AT ALL.
- THANK GOODNESS.

I'D HAVE FELT
TERRIBLE IF I'D MISSED IT.

SHE WAS ONE OF
MY DEAREST FRIENDS.

HEAR THAT? ONE OF
HER DEAREST FRIENDS.

YES. OH, MY.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS
FOR NEARLY 60 YEARS.

WOULD YOU MIND
SAYING A FEW WORDS?

ME? MIND?

WELL, I'D BE HAPPY TO.

UP HERE?

TODAY IS A DAY OF GREAT SADNESS.

NOT ONLY FOR ME,

BUT ALSO FOR THE PEOPLE
WHOSE LIVES HAVE BEEN TOUCHED

BY THE WARMTH AND THE KINDNESS
OF THIS WOMAN WHO IS LYING HERE.

I WISH I KNEW HOW MANY CHARITIES
AND HOSPITALS AND ORPHANAGES

HAVE BENEFITED
FROM HER GENEROSITY.

BUT NOW, NO-ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

BECAUSE SHE PREFERRED TO DO
ALL OF HER GOOD WORK ANONYMOUSLY.

I'M SURE A LOT OF
PEOPLE NEVER EVEN KNEW

THAT SHE WORKED FOR 15
YEARS IN A LEPER COLONY.

YES, CELIA RUBINSTEIN
LOVED ALL MANKIND.

- SHE WAS...
- WHO?

CELIA RUBINSTEIN.

THIS FUNERAL ISN'T FOR CELIA
RUBINSTEIN. IT'S FOR FRIEDA CLAXTON.

THE RUBINSTEIN
FUNERAL'S DOWN THE HALL.

I'M SO SORRY FOR THE INTRUSION.

FRIEDA CLAXTON? WASN'T SHE THE ONE WHO
OWNED THAT OLD HOUSE ON RICHMOND STREET?

YES.

YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. FRIEDA CLAXTON
DIDN'T HAVE A FRIEND IN THE WORLD.

SHE DIDN'T MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE TO ANYBODY.

SHE MIGHT AS WELL
NEVER EVEN HAVE EXISTED.

- OH, ROSE, HONEY!
- LET HER BE BY HERSELF.

THIS HAS BEEN A HELL OF
A NIGHT. I'M GLAD IT'S OVER.

WELL, AT LEAST WE'VE
DONE THE RIGHT THING.

MRS CLAXTON IS IN
SOMEBODY ELSE'S HANDS NOW.

I'M AFRAID FOR THE
MOMENT SHE'S IN MINE.

- WHAT?
- THERE WAS A MIX-UP OUT BACK.

MRS CLAXTON WAS
CREMATED BY MISTAKE.

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE
HIRED A HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENT.

OH, WELL, WHATEVER.

ER, LADIES. YOU'RE
FORGETTING SOMETHING.

MRS CLAXTON. WE CAN'T KEEP HER.

- MORNING, BLANCHE.
- I WANNA ASK YOU SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT, AT TWO IN THE MORNING,
DID YOU HEAR SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING?

NO, BUT USUALLY, IF YOUR DOOR'S
CLOSED, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

NOT ME. THOSE SOUNDS WERE COMING
FROM THAT URN WITH MRS CLAXTON IN IT.

BLANCHE, YOU WERE DREAMING.

THIS HOUSE IS
POSSESSED BY HER SPIRIT.

- MORNING.
- LAST NIGHT, AT TWO O'CLOCK,

DID YOU HEAR SOME
AWFUL, GHASTLY SOUNDS?

HEARD 'EM? I MADE 'EM!

THERE'S A REASON FOR EXPIRATION
DATES ON COTTAGE CHEESE.

MY KINGDOM FOR AN ALKA-SELTZER.

GIRLS, I HAVE GREAT NEWS.

I'VE FOUND A RESTING
PLACE FOR MRS CLAXTON.

YOU FOUND ONE OF HER RELATIVES?

I SPREAD HER ASHES ROUND
THE TREE IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE.

- WHAT ON EARTH FOR?
- TO PROVE HER LIFE HAD MEANING.

- AS FERTILIZER?
- NO!

AFTER I SPREAD THE
ASHES AND SAID A PRAYER,

I WENT TO CITY
HALL AND TOLD THEM.

I POINTED OUT THAT IT
MIGHT NOT BE SUCH A

GOOD IDEA TO DISTURB A
PERSON'S RESTING PLACE.

THEY'RE NOT GOING
TO CUT THE TREE DOWN.

ROSE, THAT'S LOVELY.

ODD, BUT LOVELY.

GIRLS, COME LOOK AT THE TREE.

OH, ISN'T IT BREATHTAKING?

- OH, IT SURE IS.
- IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE.

ALL BECAUSE OF MRS CLAXTON.

I GUESS YOU WERE
RIGHT ALL ALONG, ROSE.

MRS CLAXTON DID HAVE A
REASON FOR BEING HERE.

- THAT TREE WILL BE A REMINDER.
- REMINDER?

REMINDER TO DO SOMETHING NICE
WHENEVER I CAN FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

I WANT MY LIFE TO HAVE
MEANING WHILE I'M STILL LIVING.

- WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?
- THAT BEAUTIFUL OLD OAK TREE.

MRS CLAXTON'S SPIRIT'S
PART OF THAT TREE NOW.

THAT'S REALLY LOVELY.

IT'S TOUCHING HOW THAT GREAT
DANE IS PAYING ITS RESPECTS.