The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - Ladies of the Evening - full transcript

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

YEP.

YEAH.



UH-HUH.

- YEP.
- WELL?

YOUR INFESTATION
PROFILE IS THREEFOLD.

YOU HAVE SILVERFISH AND WATER
BUGS IN THE DRAINAGE AREAS.

UNDER THE BASEBOARDS YOU
HAVE BLATTARIA ANDROPOLIS.

HEAR THAT? THE GREEK PRESIDENT
LIVES UNDER OUR BASEBOARD.

BLATTARIA ANDROPOLIS
IS A COCKROACH.

MAYBE HE'LL BE VOTED
OUT NEXT ELECTION.

WHAT DO YOU DO
TO GET RID OF THEM?

THE NEXT STEP IS TO ASCERTAIN
THE CONDITION OF YOUR EXTERIOR.

FOR THIS I NEED TO
PERFORM A CURSORY

INSPECTION OF YOUR
SUBTERRANEAN SUBSTRUCTURE.

- CRAWL UNDER THE HOUSE?
- EASY TO MAKE IT SOUND STUPID.

POOR MAN, HOW DOES HE
FACE HIMSELF EVERY DAY



KNOWING HIS LIFE IS DEVOTED
TO KILLING LIVING THINGS?

ROSE, I DON'T THINK A
GUY WHO DRIVES AROUND

WITH A FIBERGLASS
TERMITE ON HIS VAN

PONDERS MANY DEEP QUESTIONS.

- OH!
- BLANCHE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, GIRLS, I'M JUST IN ECSTASY.

MY BODY IS TINGLING ALL OVER.
GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WHAT
PART OF THE MIDDLE EAST IS HE FROM?

I JUST WON THE RAFFLE
AT THE MOVIE THEATER.

TICKETS TO THE PREMIERE OF BURT
REYNOLDS' NEW MOVIE TOMORROW.

- THAT'S NICE.
- YES.

AND PASSES FOR ME
AND MY TWO BEST FRIENDS

TO THE PRIVATE PARTY AFTERWARDS

TO BE HOSTED BY NONE OTHER
THAN MR BURT REYNOLDS HIMSELF.

WHOO-OO! WHOO-OO!

WHOO-OO! WHOO-OO.

- SOPHIA, HONEY...
- OH, NO.

NOT THIS TIME. I'M TIRED OF
BEING TONTO OF THE GROUP.

I COULDN'T GET ANOTHER TICKET.

THEN THIS TIME WE'LL DRAW
CARDS. I MISSED OUT ON EVITA.

MA, I'M NOT GIVING UP A
CHANCE TO MEET BURT REYNOLDS.

- ME NEITHER.
- ET TU, BLANCHE?

SOPHIA, BURT REYNOLDS IS ONE
OF OUR FINEST LIVING ACTORS.

HE SHOULD HAVE WON THE
OSCAR FOR DELIVERANCE.

NOT TO MENTION STARTING OVER.

THAT ACADEMY'S JUST JEALOUS.

PUT SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER IN
CANNONBALL RUN, SEE WHAT HE CAN DO.

OH, I'M SORRY, SOPHIA,
BUT THE ANSWER'S NO.

FINE. BREAK AN OLD LADY'S HEART.

I'LL BE OUT BACK WITH
THE REST OF THE GARBAGE.

DON'T WORRY, SHE'LL GET OVER IT.

AND EVEN IF SHE
DOESN'T, WHO CARES?

WE'RE GONNA MEET BURT REYNOLDS!

I ALWAYS GET THIS REACTION
WHEN I WEAR THE TIGHT JUMPSUIT.

- WHAT DID YOU FIND?
- BAD NEWS. YOU'VE GOT TERMITES.

- NO! CAN YOU GET RID OF 'EM?
- HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OUR MOTTO?

- WHAT IS IT?
- "WE GET RID OF TERMITES".

WE'LL TENT THE HOUSE. YOU'LL
HAVE TO MOVE OUT FOR TWO DAYS.

WHERE WILL WE STAY?

HOW ABOUT A BEAUTIFUL
HOTEL OVER ON MIAMI BEACH?

WE'RE MEETING BURT REYNOLDS.
LET'S MAKE A WEEKEND OUT OF IT.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A HOTEL THERE.

I'LL FIND ONE WE CAN
AFFORD. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- I THINK IT'S A TERRIFIC IDEA.
- OK.

OK, YOU CAN START TOMORROW.

I'M OFF TO FIND US THE PERFECT
HOTEL FOR OUR PERFECT WEEKEND.

MA, MA, A HOTEL ON THE BEACH.
DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE FUN?

I CAN GO? I DON'T GET
GASSED WITH THE TERMITES?

OH, DOROTHY, YOU'RE
SUCH A GOOD DAUGHTER.

SHE'LL GET OVER IT. AND IF
SHE DOESN'T, WHO CARES?

WE'RE GOING TO
MEET BURT REYNOLDS!

YOU WANT THE BED NEXT
TO THE TV OR THE WINDOW?

THE BED NEXT TO BURT REYNOLDS.

FINE, I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

- MA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH.

JUST A LITTLE RELAPSE FROM
MY PNEUMONIA. YOU REMEMBER.

I RAN SIX MILES IN THE RAIN TO BRING
YOU THE CANNOLI FOR YOUR LUNCHBOX.

MA, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU ALL GO SCHMOOZE
WITH BURT AND HIS BUDDIES.

I'LL STAY HERE AND HACK
MYSELF UNCONSCIOUS.

THAT'S BEING A GOOD SPORT.

DOROTHY, YOU THINK BURT'S
GONNA LIKE THIS DRESS?

YEAH.

THAT PLUNGING NECKLINE WILL
REALLY SHOW OFF HIS CHEST HAIR.

THE LAST TIME I WORE THIS WAS AT
THE 1972 PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION.

I DANCED IN THE ARMS
OF THE PRESIDENT.

THE NEXT MORNING I
WOKE UP STILL IN HIS ARMS.

BLANCHE! YOU AND NIXON?

NIXON? YUCK!

NO.

I CAN'T EVEN
PICTURE NIXON NAKED.

HE MUST LOOK LIKE ONE OF
THOSE LITTLE DRESS-UP DOLLS.

LITTLE MOUNDS OF PLASTIC TO
INDICATE WHERE THINGS OUGHTA BE.

NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT
MR WILLIAM "BUSTER" COLLIER.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE
CHAMBER OF COMMERCE.

OH, THAT PRESIDENTIAL
INAUGURATION.

BUSTER WANTED ME
TO BE HIS FIRST LADY

- BUT HE DIED TWO DAYS LATER.
- OH, I'M SORRY.

HE WAS PERFORMING HIS
FIRST OFFICIAL FUNCTION:

BREAKING A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
OVER THE NEW TOLLBOOTH.

BUT BEFORE HE COULD
STEP OUT OF THE WAY,

HE WAS RUN OVER BY
TEN SHRINERS ON MINIBIKES

WHO JUST HAPPENED TO
HAVE THE EXACT CHANGE.

SO MANY OF OUR GREAT
LEADERS HAVE GONE THAT WAY.

THERE'S A STORY IN THE PAPER
ABOUT THE PARTY TONIGHT.

- REALLY?
- LOOK WHO'S GONNA BE THERE.

- DOM DELUISE.
- WOW!

- LONI ANDERSON.
- WOW!

CHARLES NELSON REILLY.

CHARLES NELSON REILLY!

WHO ELSE?

- JOHN FORSYTHE.
- MR JOHN FORSYTHE!

OH, MY GOD. HE'S JUST THE
SEXIEST MAN IN TELEVISION.

AND BURT IS THE SEXIEST
MAN IN THE MOVIES.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. ALL THAT
MANLINESS IN ONE CROWDED ROOM.

HOT CROWDED ROOM. EVERYBODY'S
STEAMY BODIES ALL PRESSED...

BLANCHE, BLANCHE, BLANCHE.

RELAX. YOU'LL SET OFF
THE SMOKE DETECTOR.

HELLO? THIS IS ROSE NYLUND.

WHAT?

I'M ONE OF THE WINNERS OF THE
PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE?

ED MCMAHON WANTS
TO SEE ME RIGHT AWAY?

LEAVE MY BURT REYNOLDS TICKET
ON THE DRESSER BEFORE I GO?

MA, GET OFF THE PHONE!

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

GUESS WHAT. I
THINK THIS IS SOPHIA.

WHICH ROOM'S AVAILABLE?

ROOM 506.

THE ROOM IS 50, THE
YOUNG LADY'S 100.

MAKE IT QUICK. I'M NOT
RUNNING A HOTEL HERE.

GIRLS, DON'T YOU
JUST LOVE OUR HOTEL?

IT'S MUCH NICER THAN THOSE
BIG CHAINS. HOW DID YOU FIND IT?

IT'S IN OUR PRICE
RANGE, NEAR THE BEACH

AND IT HAD THE MOST
MEN IN THE LOBBY.

LET'S GO. WE DON'T
WANNA KEEP BURT WAITING.

WAIT A MINUTE. LET'S HAVE
A QUICK DRINK IN THE BAR.

- OH, BLANCHE.
- COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.

OK, BUT LET'S
MAKE IT QUICK. MISS.

GIRLS, YOU SEE THAT MAN
OVER THERE STARING AT ME?

HE'S UNDRESSING
ME WITH HIS EYES.

- DO YOU WANNA MOVE TABLES?
- NOT YET, HE'S ONLY HALF DONE.

EXCUSE ME, I COULDN'T HELP BUT
NOTICE YOU FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

MY FRIENDS AND I WOULD
LIKE TO BUY YOU LADIES A DRINK.

THANK YOU, BUT WE
DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

- THIS IS CARL AND THIS IS JOHN.
- WE'RE ALL FROM KENOSHA.

I KNOW A JOHN FROM KENOSHA.

I'LL BET YOU KNOW
A LOT OF JOHNS.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

IT MUST BE REGIONAL HUMOR.

- WE'RE AT THE CLOTHING SHOW.
- OH, IS LEATHER BIG THIS YEAR?

IT IS WITH CARL.

YEAH. AS LONG AS I
DON'T HAVE TO PAY EXTRA.

EVEN I DON'T GET THAT ONE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BLANCHE. THESE ARE MY
FRIENDS ROSE AND DOROTHY.

SO, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU GIRLS BEEN WORKING?

THAT'S AN ODD LEAD-OFF
QUESTION, CARL.

BUT ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN
WORKING, OH, ABOUT 30 YEARS.

YOU MUST REALLY
KNOW YOUR BUSINESS.

DOROTHY'S A VERY
EXPERIENCED TEACHER.

EVERYBODY WHO'S HAD
HER SAYS SHE'S GREAT.

LET'S GET SOME DRINKS, GO UPSTAIRS
AND HAVE DOROTHY TEACH US THE THREE RS.

READING, WRITING,
RUNNING AROUND THE BED.

AS ENTICING AS THE OFFER IS,

- WE REALLY MUST PASS.
- OH, SCUSAMENTE.

IF YOU LADIES DON'T WANNA PARTY, THERE
ARE YOUNGER GIRLS THAT'LL TAKE OUR MONEY.

GIRLS WHO'LL TAKE THEIR MONEY.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE THINKS WE ARE?

WAITRESSES?

NO, ROSE. HOOKERS!

GOD, THAT MUST MEAN
EVERYBODY HERE IS...

EVERYBODY IS UNDER
ARREST. IT'S A RAID.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY
STAY RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE.

THE WAGONS WILL
BE HERE MOMENTARILY

TO TRANSPORT ALL
OF YOU DOWNTOWN.

DOWNTOWN? HE MEANS JAIL!

OH, REALLY, ROSE. I THOUGHT
HE MEANT NEIMAN MARCUS.

OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN JAIL.

I WON'T MAKE IT. THEY ALWAYS
PREY ON THE WEAK AND INNOCENT.

THEY'LL TAUNT ME FOR TRYING TO
EXCEL AT MY WORK IN THE LAUNDRY.

I'LL FALL IN WITH A BAD CROWD

WHOSE LEADER LOOKS
LIKE ETHEL MERMAN.

I'LL BE FORCED TO ENGINEER A
PRISON BREAK USING MY LAUNDRY CART.

FROM THAT TIME ON I WON'T
KNOW A MOMENT'S PEACE.

I'LL SCAR MY FINGERPRINTS
WITH BATTERY ACID

AND RUN FROM TOWN TO TOWN TAKING
JOBS THAT PEOPLE HAVE WHO GOT BAD GRADES.

THEN ONE DAY THEY'LL FIND ME, HOLED
UP IN A SHACK IN THE LOUISIANA BAYOU.

A SHERIFF NAMED BULL WILL
CALL MY NAME OVER A MEGAPHONE.

WHEN I RUN, HE'LL RIDDLE
MY BODY WITH BULLETS.

PLEASE DON'T LET THEM
TAKE ME DOWNTOWN!

I WANNA LIVE! I WANNA LIVE!

YOU'RE NOT GOOD IN A
CRISIS, ARE YOU, ROSE?

DOROTHY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT
THIS IS ALL A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

OFFICER.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR THE SENIOR
STATESMAN OF THE GROUP?

I'LL LET THAT PASS BECAUSE
YOU HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

MY FRIENDS AND I ARE
TOTALLY INNOCENT.

- I'M INNOCENT TOO.
- ME TOO.

QUIET, YOU TRASH.

GO ON, DOROTHY.

OFFICER, IF I COULD SEE
YOU FOR JUST A MOMENT,

I'M SURE WE COULD SETTLE THIS
MATTER TO YOUR SATISFACTION.

FORGET IT. I HAPPEN
TO BE A MARRIED MAN.

ALL OF YOU DOWNTOWN.
WE'RE MOVING NOW.

OFFICER, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE
WERE ON OUR WAY TO SEE BURT REYNOLDS.

DON'T YOU DARE DRAG
BURT'S GOOD NAME INTO THIS.

MOVE.

MOVE, ALL OF YOU! LET'S
GO. MOVE IT. COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. ARRESTED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN JAIL IN MY LIFE.

RELAX, HONEY. WITH THE
NOTCHES YOU MUST HAVE

ON YOUR GARTER BELT
IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.

OH, ROSE. ROSE, HONEY.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I WAS BOOKED.
FINGERPRINTS, MUG SHOTS.

I'M A KNOWN CRIMINAL. I CAN'T
GO BACK TO MY HOME TOWN.

- NOBODY'S EVER GONNA FIND OUT.
- OH, YES, THEY WILL.

THE ST OLAF COURIER DISPATCH

IS KNOWN FOR ITS
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT SERIES
THEY DID ON OAT FUNGUS

WAS AN UNCOMPROMISING
PIECE OF JOURNALISM.

DAMN. I BET YOU BURT IS
GREETING HIS GUESTS RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE GONNA MISS IT.

I WON'T ACCEPT IT.

OH, EXCUSE ME. OH, OFFICER.

A GRIEVOUS INJUSTICE HAS BEEN
PERPETRATED AGAINST MY FRIENDS AND ME.

WE ARE TOTALLY INNOCENT.

WE'RE JUST THREE
HELPLESS FEMALES,

DESPERATELY IN NEED OF A BIG
STRONG STRAPPING MAN LIKE YOURSELF.

OOH, WHAT CUTE EARRINGS.

DID YOU REALLY THINK
YOU COULD GET US OUT

BY FLIRTING WITH THAT GUARD?

- YES, IF HE'D BEEN A MAN.
- SURE.

IT'S ALWAYS A MAN WITH YOU.
MEN AND SEX, SEX AND MEN.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BEING CAREER-ORIENTED.

IT'S YOUR OVERACTIVE SEX
DRIVE THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS.

WHO PICKS A HOTEL
BECAUSE OF ALL THE MEN?

JUST GET OFF MY BACK. YOU THINK
I'M HAPPY ABOUT BEING ARRESTED?

YOU THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT
MISSING BURT REYNOLDS

OR ABOUT BEING LOCKED
UP WITH THIS GUTTER TRASH?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

OH... WHAT CUTE EARRINGS.

NOBODY CALLS ME NAMES.

COME ON, I'LL LET YOU
HAVE THE FIRST PUNCH.

PUNCH? HEAVENS.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA TEAR YOU APART.

FIGHT, FIGHT,
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

LISTEN... YOU PUNK!

YOU WANNA FIGHT,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIGHT ME.

BUT I WARN YOU, I
DID TIME IN ATTICA.

ATTICA'S A MEN'S PRISON.

I KNOW. I WAS THERE A YEAR
BEFORE THEY FOUND OUT.

SORRY, CHIEF. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO RUFFLE YOUR FEATHERS.

OH, DOROTHY. THAT
WAS MAGNIFICENT.

HOW DID YOU EVER PULL THAT OFF?

I WORK IN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL
SYSTEM. IT'S NOT THAT DIFFERENT.

OH, BLANCHE. I'M SORRY I
YELLED AT YOU. I APOLOGIZE.

DON'T YOU WORRY.
WE'RE ALL ON EDGE.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST
DISAPPOINTMENT OF MY LIFE.

YES.

AND I'VE KNOWN SOME REAL
DISAPPOINTMENT, BELIEVE ME.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US THAT STORY
ABOUT THE EXPLODING PIG AGAIN, ARE YOU?

I NEVER TOLD YOU A STORY
ABOUT AN EXPLODING PIG, DOROTHY.

IT WAS A PEG-LEGGED PIG.

OUR POSSUM WAS THE
ONE THAT EXPLODED.

FORGIVE ME, ROSE. THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY
POSSUM EXPLOSIONS, IT'S HARD TO KEEP TRACK.

SO WHAT WAS THIS GREAT
DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR LIFE?

BUTTER. I WANTED
TO BE BUTTER QUEEN.

AW, YEAH. WHAT AN ACTRESS.

SHE WAS SO GOOD IN
GONE WITH THE WIND.

I WANTED TO BE MISS
OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND MYSELF.

- BLANCHE, ARE YOU LISTENING?
- BITS AND PIECES.

GO ON, ROSE.

WELL, BUTTER QUEEN WAS
OUR TOWN'S HIGHEST HONOR.

FROM THE TIME I WAS BORN
MY FOLKS GROOMED ME FOR IT.

SINGING LESSONS, DANCING
LESSONS, JUNIOR BUTTER PAGEANTS.

FOR 16 YEARS MY ENTIRE LIFE
REVOLVED AROUND BUTTER.

YOU WERE VERY FORTUNATE. SO
MANY OF US WASTED OUR YOUTH.

WHEN THE TIME CAME FOR
THE PAGEANT, I WAS INCREDIBLE.

I SHOWED POISE IN THE
EVENING-GOWN COMPETITION.

I WAS BRILLIANT IN
THE BUTTER QUIZ.

THEY COULDN'T EVEN TRIP ME UP
WITH A TRICK MARGARINE QUESTION.

THAT EVENING BUTTER
WAS SPELT R-O-S-E.

ROSE, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING
YOURSELF. PLEASE DON'T GO ON.

I HAVE TO. I'VE KEPT THESE BITTER
BUTTER MEMORIES TOO LONG.

AS THE PAGEANT DREW
TO ITS FRENZIED FINALE,

THERE I WAS, ALONGSIDE
THE OTHER TWO FINALISTS,

CHURNING MY GUTS OUT.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, FOR NO
APPARENT REASON, MY CHURN JAMMED.

- OH, NO.
- YES.

AND JUST LIKE THAT, IT WAS OVER.

I'D LOST.

IT WAS THE BIGGEST
DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE.

IT WAS SMALL CONSOLATION
TO FIND OUT, YEARS LATER,

THERE HAD BEEN
CHURN-TAMPERING INVOLVED.

BLANCHE. ROSE, WE'RE GOING
TO THE OTHER END OF THE CELL.

DON'T CROSS THIS LINE.

DID I HEAR YOU SAY THAT
YOU WERE FROM ST OLAF?

- YES.
- I'M FROM ST GUSTAF.

WE'RE NEIGHBORS. MY NAME'S MEG.

I'M ROSE. WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE, MEG?

I WAS ARRESTED FOR
BEING A HOOKER, LIKE YOU.

I'M NOT A HOOKER. I WAS
ARRESTED BY MISTAKE.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS
TELL THE JUDGE, TOO.

HOW DID YOU GET
MIXED UP IN THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

THINGS WERE BAD AT HOME.

I ENDED UP IN MIAMI.

IT JUST... HAPPENED.

NOTHING COULD BE
BAD ENOUGH AT HOME

FOR YOU TO END UP
DOING... WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I DON'T NEED A LECTURE.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE
HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE.

- I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
- IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK,

YOU KNOW, NEIGHBOR
TO NEIGHBOR, I'M HERE.

- OH!
- MA, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUTION.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SOPHIA.

SOPHIA, WE'RE INNOCENT.

HOW CAN THESE COPS THINK ANYONE
WOULD PAY TO SLEEP WITH YOU?

SOPHIA, DID YOU
COME TO BAIL US OUT?

NO, ROSE, SHE'S DROPPING
OFF A MANICOTTI WITH A FILE IN IT.

WE'RE GONNA SEE BURT AFTER ALL.

I THOUGHT THESE TICKETS
WERE GONNA GO TO WASTE.

WHICH ONE OF YOU ISN'T GOING?

WELL... I'M THE ONE
WHO WON THE TICKETS.

IT'S MY MOM WHO'S
BAILING US OUT.

I LOST BUTTER QUEEN.
HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?

- WE'LL DRAW STRAWS.
- NO.

- WE'LL FLIP A COIN.
- NO.

SOPHIA, NOW TRY AND
BE UNDERSTANDING.

UNDERSTANDING? I CAME TO BAIL
YOU OUT AND YOU WON'T LET ME GO?

MA, STOP COMPLAINING
AND GET US OUT OF HERE.

WHERE ARE YOUR
ROOMMATES, MRS PETRILLO?

- THEY'RE NOT HERE.
- MA!

DON'T "MA" ME, YOU CHEAP FLOOZY.

MA, YOU WOULD DO THIS TO
YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD?

YOU'LL GET OVER IT. IF YOU DON'T, WHO
CARES? I'M OFF TO SEE BURT REYNOLDS.

AND THEN, YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE THIS,

DOM DELUISE INSISTS I
TELL BURT THE STORY.

SOPHIA, I DON'T
WANNA HEAR ANY MORE.

NOT EVEN THE PART WHERE BURT
AND DOM INSISTED I TELL IT TO LONI?

THAT'S IT. I DON'T WANNA
HEAR ANOTHER WORD.

CINDERELLA'S BACK FROM THE BALL

AND HER WICKED
ROOMMATES ARE JEALOUS.

WE ARE NOT JEALOUS, MA. WE
ARE ANGRY. YOU LEFT US IN JAIL.

I SENT BAIL MONEY. YOU
WERE OUT AN HOUR LATER.

THAT WAS ABOUT THE TIME I WAS NIBBLING
A GIANT SHRIMP OUT OF JERRY REED'S HAND.

YOU'RE MAKING THIS
UP JUST TO RUB IT IN.

YOU HAVE NEVER MET THESE PEOPLE.

JEALOUSY IS A VERY
UGLY THING, DOROTHY.

AND SO ARE YOU IN
ANYTHING BACKLESS.

I'VE DECIDED THAT LAST NIGHT WAS A BIGGER
DISAPPOINTMENT THAN LOSING BUTTER QUEEN.

- DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
- NO.

MEG! COME IN.

I CAN'T, MY TAXI'S WAITING.

I JUST WANTED TO STOP
BY AND SAY THANK YOU.

- FOR WHAT?
- FOR CONVINCING ME TO GO HOME.

I FIGURED I'D GIVE
IT ANOTHER TRY.

OH, THAT'S GREAT!

WHAT WAS IT I SAID?

NOTHING.

I DIDN'T WANNA BE YOUR AGE
AND STILL BE IN THE BUSINESS.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO GOOD...

AND SO CHEAP IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

AT LEAST SOMETHING GOOD
CAME OUT OF THAT HORRIBLE NIGHT.

HELLO.

- SOPHIA AROUND?
- OH, HI, BURT.

- HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LUNCH?
- HOW ABOUT A BIG LUNCH?

MY GOD.

YOU'RE MR BURT REYNOLDS.

I HOPE SO, OTHERWISE I GOT
THE WRONG UNDERWEAR ON.

- THESE YOUR ROOMMATES?
- YEAH.

- WHICH ONE'S THE SLUT?
- I AM.