The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Actor - full transcript

A famous actor in town for a local play tries to carry on separate, clandestine affairs with Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche at the same time.

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

♪ TRAVELED DOWN THE
ROAD AND BACK AGAIN

♪ YOUR HEART IS TRUE

♪ YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANTE

♪ AND IF YOU THREW A PARTY

♪ INVITED EVERYONE YOU KNEW

♪ YOU WOULD SEE THE
BIGGEST GIFT WOULD BE FROM ME

♪ AND THE CARD
ATTACHED WOULD SAY

♪ THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND ♪

- HI, DOROTHY.
- OH, HI, MA.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A
RAINCOAT? IT'S 80 DEGREES OUTSIDE!



I HAD A CHILL.

I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION.

IS THAT A SABER UNDER YOUR COAT?

YEAH, I THINK IT
IS. SEE YOU LATER.

MA, TAKE OFF THE COAT.

MA, DID YOU FORGET TO TAKE YOUR
BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE AGAIN?

I'VE GOT A JOB AT CAPTAIN
JACK'S SEAFOOD SHANTY.

- WHY?
- I NEED MONEY.

- I GIVE YOU MONEY.
- AN ALLOWANCE.

WHO AM I, DENNIS THE MENACE?

LOOK, MA, YOU'RE 81. WORKING
ALL DAY IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU.

- I ABSOLUTELY FORBID IT.
- REALLY, WARDEN?

ARE YOU SENDING ME
BACK TO THAT HOME?

MA, SHADY PINES HAPPENS TO BE
A BEAUTIFUL RETIREMENT VILLAGE.



RIGHT. AND MORLEY SAFER JUST
WANDERED IN THERE BY MISTAKE!

OH, DOROTHY, WE HAVE GREAT NEWS!

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S STARRING IN
OUR PRODUCTION AT THE COMMUNITY THEATER.

OH, BLANCHE, PLEASE!
YOU SAY THAT EVERY YEAR.

AND EVERY YEAR, WE END UP WITH
MIAMI'S ANSWER TO MERYL STREEP.

PHYLLIS HAMMEROW. SHE STINKS.

OH, I THOUGHT SHE WAS TERRIFIC
IN THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK.

PLEASE! DURING THE ENTIRE SECOND
ACT, THE AUDIENCE KEPT YELLING,

"SHE'S IN THE ATTIC!
SHE'S IN THE ATTIC!"

WELL, THIS YEAR, WE JUST HAPPEN
TO HAVE GOTTEN A REAL ACTOR.

A STAR OF INCREDIBLE MAGNITUDE.

OH, DOROTHY. THE MIAMI
COMMUNITY PLAYERS

ARE GONNA HAVE THE
EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCE

OF WORKING WITH NONE
OTHER THAN THE INCANDESCENT...

MR. PATRICK VAUGHN.

PATRICK VAUGHN?

OH, MY GOD!

HE IS MY ALL-TIME
FAVORITE TV ACTOR!

I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM ACTUALLY
GOING TO MEET PATRICK VAUGHN!

I'VE HAD A CRUSH
ON HIM FOR YEARS.

HE IS THE SEXIEST ACTOR ON TV.

I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT
HE MELTS MY HAAGEN-DAZS.

ROSE, YOU TRAMP!

I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
I'M GOING TO WORK.

MA, I ABSOLUTELY FORBID
YOU TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE.

- I'M GOING TO WORK.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY.

FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

GO. I'M TIRED OF
ARGUING WITH YOU.

SOPHIA!

IS THAT A CAPTAIN JACK'S SEAFOOD
SHANTY UNIFORM YOU'RE WEARING?

NO, ROSE. I'M OFF TO DISCOVER
THE STRAIT OF MAGELLAN. YO-HO!

DOROTHY, IS THIS A
GOOD CHAMPAGNE?

GEE, IT'S HARD TO TELL.

THE "TWO FOR $7" STICKER IS
COVERING THE YEAR OF VINTAGE.

WELL, I'M SORRY, DOROTHY,

BUT THE WELCOMING
COMMITTEE IS ON A BUDGET.

HURRY UP ARRANGING
THOSE FLOWERS.

MR. VAUGHN'S ARRIVING
FROM THE AIRPORT ANY MINUTE.

- [KNOCKING]
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HIM!

- HOW DOES THE ROOM LOOK?
- WHO CARES? HOW DO I LOOK?

WELCOME, MR... MA!

- THANKS, DOROTHY.
- GIVE ME THOSE!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I HAD AN HOUR TO KILL.

I'M HERE TO MEET MR. HOLLYWOOD.

- YOU CAN'T STAY.
- ARE YOU EMBARRASSED BY ME?

DRESSED LIKE VASCO DA GAMA, YES.

AM I IN THE RIGHT PLACE?

OH, WOW, ARE YOU EVER!

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF. I'M PATRICK VAUGHN.

ROSE... LOOK, ROSE,
IT'S... IT'S... HE'S...

I'M... WE... EUUH!

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER DOROTHY.
SHE'S AN ENGLISH TEACHER.

- AND YOU ARE...?
- LINDA RONSTADT.

I'M DOING THE PIRATES OF
PENZANCE ACROSS TOWN.

THIS IS MY MOTHER, SOPHIA
PETRILLO. WHO HAS TO BE GOING.

- NO, I DON'T.
- YES, YOU DO.

MR. VAUGHN, MY NAME
IS BLANCHE DEVEREAUX.

- BLANCHE.
- AND ER...

THIS IS ROSE NYLUND.

ROSE.

AND ER... THIS OVER HERE
IS DOROTHY ZBORNAK.

WE JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW HOW EXCITED WE ARE

THAT AN ARTIST OF YOUR STATURE

IS PERFORMING IN
OUR LITTLE THEATER.

LADIES, THERE ARE NO SMALL
THEATERS, NO SMALL PARTS,

- ONLY SMALL ACTORS.
- LIKE HERVE VILLECHAIZE.

I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY.

OH, PLEASE GO ON. THAT'S
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE.

ROSE, WHY DON'T WE JUST SHOW
MR. VAUGHN AROUND THE THEATER?

WHY DON'T I DO THAT MYSELF?

I'VE HAD THE MOST
EXPERIENCE PERFORMING HERE.

BLANCHE, THE PARKING LOT
DOESN'T COUNT. I'LL DO IT.

I WANT TO DO IT.

I DON'T HAVE THE TIME NOW.

I'M DOING ANOTHER
PROJECT IN TOWN.

I HAVE TO MEET THE DIRECTOR

TO DISCUSS THE NUANCES
OF MY CHARACTER.

I READ ABOUT THAT. AREN'T YOU
PLAYING A TANGERINE IN A COMMERCIAL?

YES.

OOH, HOW EXCITING! HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN A FRUIT BEFORE?

NO, BUT HAVING BEEN IN
MUSICAL THEATER FOR 30 YEARS,

I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF OFFERS.

IT WAS A DELIGHT MEETING YOU.

MR. VAUGHN, REMEMBER,
CASTING IS TOMORROW AT TWO.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

I TRUST ALL OF YOU WILL READ
FOR THE PART OF MY LEADING LADY.

[VAUGHN] TO HELL WITH THIS
TOWN. COME AWAY WITH ME.

BUT BIFF, YOU ARE A DRIFTER.

HOW CAN I JUST PULL UP
STAKES AND RUN OFF WITH YOU?

PLEASE RECONSIDER, JOSIE.

YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST
GIRL IN THE COUNTY.

[BLANCHE SNICKERS]

SHUT UP!

GO ON, BIFF.

I NEED YOUR ANSWER NOW,
JOSIE. WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, BIFF.

RIGHT HERE ON THE STAGE.

- PARDON ME?
- OH.

I'M SORRY. THAT
WAS JUST AN AD-LIB.

BLANCHE DEVEREAUX?

JUST A MOMENT.

MY GOD!

MY REAR TIRES HAVE
LESS PRESSURE IN THEM.

I'M READY.

THE MOON IS HANGING AWFUL
LOW IN THE SKY TONIGHT,

ISN'T IT, BUSTY?

JOSIE!

IT SURE IS, BIFF.

- IT MAKES ME WANT TO KISS YOU.
- MIND YOUR MANNERS, BIFF.

WE'RE AT THE 4TH OF JULY
PICNIC. THE WHOLE TOWN IS HERE.

- COME AWAY WITH ME.
- BUT YOU'RE A DRIFTER, BIFF.

I CAN'T JUST RUN OFF WITH YOU.

PLEASE RECONSIDER. YOU'RE
THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE COUNTY.

I NEED TO HAVE YOUR ANSWER
NOW. WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

- I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, BIFF.
- [AIR HISSES]

OH!

BLANCHE, I AM SORRY.

I'M AFRAID I POPPED YOUR BOSOM!

DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT A THING, PATRICK.

MY BACKUP PAIR CAN TAKE
A LOT MORE PUNISHMENT.

YOU'VE MADE A COMPLETE
FOOL OF YOURSELF.

OH, YEAH? WAIT AND
SEE WHO GETS THE PART.

COULD I HAVE EVERYONE'S
ATTENTION, PLEASE?

WE HAD TO MAKE A FEW
VERY DIFFICULT CHOICES,

BUT REMEMBER, AND I MEAN
THIS, EVERYONE HERE IS A STAR.

NOW,

PLAYING THE PART OF JOSIE
WILL BE... PHYLLIS HAMMEROW.

THE SHERIFF WILL BE PLAYED
BY RONALD BROMBERG.

THE REST OF YOU WILL BE NON-SPEAKING
TOWNSPEOPLE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

- PHYLLIS HAMMEROW!
- I AM STUNNED!

- HE DIDN'T LIKE ANY ONE OF US!
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE
CAR. I FORGOT MY PURSE.

BLANCHE.

YES, JUDAS?

YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE
YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART.

DARNED RIGHT. WAS
PHYLLIS BETTER THAN ME?

MUCH BETTER. BUT YOU
ARE FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE.

- I KNOW. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
- I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

I HARDLY KNOW YOU. BUT WOULD
YOU CONSIDER HAVING DINNER WITH ME?

WHY, YES. YES.

YES.

WAIT TILL MY FRIENDS
HEAR ABOUT THIS.

OH, THIS MUST BE
OUR LITTLE SECRET.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A
RATHER MESSY DIVORCE,

- AND IF REPORTERS...
- SAY NO MORE.

I'M NOT NAIVE
ABOUT THESE THINGS.

I HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION
TO PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

WELL, THEN, UNTIL
TONIGHT... AT EIGHT O'CLOCK.

SEE YOU LATER, BOFF.

UM... BIFF.

PATRICK.

BLANCHE, COME ON...

- HI, MR. VAUGHN.
- OH, PLEASE, CALL ME PATRICK.

ER, ROSE, THERE'S BEEN SOMETHING
I'VE WANTED TO ASK YOU ALL DAY.

MINE ARE REAL.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO
ASK, BUT THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW.

ROSE, EVER SINCE WE MET,

I FELT THERE WAS
SOMETHING BETWEEN US.

WOULD YOU HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

JEEPERS! YES! WHOA! WAIT TILL
BLANCHE AND DOROTHY HEAR...

IT'LL HAVE TO BE OUR SECRET.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF A MESSY DIVORCE.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

I READ PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

WELL, THEN, UNTIL
TONIGHT... AT TEN O'CLOCK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID,

BUT YOU'D MAKE ONE
HELL OF A YODELER.

BLANCHE? ROSE? OH, HELLO.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT TO ASK YOU.

ONE, DO YOU READ
PEOPLE MAGAZINE?

AND TWO, ARE YOU DOING
ANYTHING TONIGHT AROUND MIDNIGHT?

OH, IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL
AFTERNOON, PATRICK.

IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL
WEEK, BLANCHE.

OH, PATRICK, OUR
RELATIONSHIP'S SO SPECIAL,

I CAN'T KEEP IT A
SECRET ANY LONGER.

IT'S HARD ON ME TOO, BLANCHE.

BUT ONE DAY, I'LL RENT A
PLANE AND WRITE IT IN THE SKY.

OH! PATRICK, SIT DOWN.

I... I WANT TO MAKE
A CONFESSION.

I'VE NEVER TOLD THIS TO
ANOTHER LIVING SOUL, BUT...

I'M NOT PERFECT.

- BLANCHE!
- NO, I MEAN IT.

LOOK IN MY LEFT EYE.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

THERE'S A LITTLE SLEEP
CRUST IN THE CORNER.

NO, I MEAN IN THE CENTER.

SEE, THERE'S JUST A
SLIGHT FLAW IN MY IRIS.

OH, YES.

- [DOROTHY] BLANCHE! PATRICK!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I LIVE HERE.
- YOU ARE ROOMMATES?

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW
WHAT IS GOING ON?

PATRICK WAS HELPING ME
REHEARSE MY PART IN THE PLAY.

REHEARSE WHAT? YOU'RE A
NON-SPEAKING TOWNSPERSON.

WE... WE ADDED A STUNT, WHERE BLANCHE
GETS TOSSED TO THE FLOOR. WATCH.

OH!

OH!

I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THAT.

I THINK I'LL JUST GO AND
PRACTICE IT ON THE LAWN.

PATRICK, WHAT IS
REALLY GOING ON?

I MADE UP THAT FLIMSY EXCUSE
HOPING TO RUN INTO YOU.

- I'VE REALLY MISSED YOU.
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW
BLANCHE AND I WERE ROOMMATES!

- AND SHE BELIEVED IT.
- GOD, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL ACTOR.

THERE'S NO ACTING INVOLVED
WHEN I'M AROUND YOU, DOROTHY.

- THIS WEEK HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE.
- LET'S TELL EVERYONE

- HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- [CLATTER]

PATRICK! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

WHY ARE YOU ON THE FLOOR?

UM... I ER... I
DROPPED A CONTACT.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
THAT? YOU DON'T WEAR CONTACTS!

SHE DROPPED MY CONTACT.

YOU SEE, I RAN INTO
DOROTHY DOWNTOWN

AND MENTIONED THAT I'D RUN
OUT OF CONTACT SOLUTION.

SHE SAID SHE HAD PLENTY HERE,
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WEAR THEM.

SO, HERE WE ARE.

OH, OK.

HERE IT IS! I FOUND IT.

- YOU FOUND WHAT?
- THE LENS.

WHICH I'LL NOW RINSE OUT IN THE
SOLUTION WE HAVE TOO MUCH OF.

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE!

I MADE UP THAT
RIDICULOUS EXPLANATION

HOPING I'D RUN INTO YOU.

- SO, YOU LIVE HERE TOO, HUH?
- YES.

- WHY ASK IF I LIVE HERE IF...?
- OH, KISS ME, ROSE.

GO EASY, PATRICK.
IT'S NOT A TOY.

WELL, I HAVE TO GO.

- WE'RE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?
- YOU BETCHA.

- SAME RENDEZVOUS AS LAST NIGHT.
- 10:45,

YOU'LL PULL UP
BEHIND THE THEATER

AND LEAVE THE TRUNK OPEN.

YES. GOODBYE.

- OH, YOU'RE LEAVING SO SOON?
- I'M AFRAID SO.

[BOTH] I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

AT THE THEATER.

YES. JUST AT THE THEATER.

- WELL, I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE.
- DON'T LEAVE YOUR LENS.

OH, MY LENS!

OOPH!

I THINK MAYBE I'D
BETTER PUT IT IN NOW.

THERE, THAT'S BETTER.

FAREWELL!

GOD, HE'S GOOD.

OH, EXCUSE ME! HAVE
YOU SEEN PATRICK?

- HAVE YOU SEEN PATRICK?
- NO.

- WHO'S THE FLOWER FOR?
- OH, IT'S FOR PATRICK.

IT'S A ROSE FOR GOOD
LUCK ON OPENING NIGHT.

- I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.
- WHY?

HAVE YOU HEARD THAT
OLD THEATRICAL SAYING?

- NO.
- NEVER ACCEPT A ROSE

FROM SOMEBODY NAMED
ROSE ON OPENING NIGHT.

- GOOD EVENING, LADIES.
- OH, HELLO, PATRICK.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING IN
HONOR OF OPENING NIGHT.

WELL, THANK YOU, BLANCHE!
THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL.

I'D HAVE GOTTEN YOU A ROSE
TOO, IF I WAS NAMED VIOLET.

MR. VAUGHN! MR. VAUGHN! DID
YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CAST CHANGE?

RONALD BROMBERG HAS THE FLU!

- HE CAN'T PLAY THE SHERIFF.
- WHO CAN TAKE OVER THE PART?

HELLO.

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO
FITS INTO THE COSTUME.

DOROTHY, MAYBE WE'D
BETTER RUN THE LINES.

OH, ISN'T HE THE GREATEST?

YEAH, THE GREAT ONES
ALWAYS THROW IN A BACK RUB.

WHAT?

- HAVE YOU SEEN PATRICK?
- YES, HE'S REHEARSING LINES.

WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM FOR?

- I WANT TO GIVE HIM THIS.
- I'LL GIVE IT TO HIM.

BELIEVE ME, HE'D
RATHER GET IT FROM ME.

HE HAS BEEN ALL WEEK.

WHAT?

HE SWORE ME TO SECRECY, BUT I
HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE. WE'RE IN LOVE.

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE HE
GOT INTO TOWN. HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

[SINGS HAPPILY]

PHYLLIS IS SUCH A LIAR!

OH, SHE SURE IS. SINCE
PATRICK GOT INTO TOWN,

[BOTH] ...HE'S BEEN SEEING ME.

PLACES, EVERYONE!

[APPLAUSE]

MY NAME'S BIFF.

I'M A DRIFTER.

[DRAMATIC HARMONICA MUSIC]

MY STORY ISN'T A PRETTY
ONE, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE TOLD.

IT WAS 1952.

WYKAHATCHIE, MISSISSIPPI.

THE TOWN 4TH OF JULY PICNIC.

[HARMONICA] ♪ OH! SUSANNA

EVENIN', SHERIFF.

EVENING, FELLOW WYKAHATCHIITE.

- EVENING, SHERIFF.
- EVENING, BIFF.

WHAT YOU DOING HERE?

THE USUAL. JUST DRIFTING.

YOU STABBED ME IN THE BACK!

- ME? YOU'RE THE BACKSTABBER!
- [ALL] SSH!

EXCUSE US.

HOW MUCH LONGER YOU
PLANNING ON STAYING IN TOWN, BIFF?

HARD TO TELL.

WELL, I'M GONNA
KEEP MY EYE ON YOU.

THE SUN WAS MIGHTY HOT
TODAY, WASN'T IT, JOSIE?

IT SURE WAS, BIFF.

PATRICK SWORE THAT I WAS
THE ONLY WOMAN IN HIS LIFE.

- HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING.
- OH, YOU LIAR!

HE SAID HE WAS GONNA
TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT US.

WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT, HE
WAS GONNA RENT A PLANE AND...

WRITE IT IN THE SKY?

YES.

YOU, SIR, ARE A DIRT BAG!

OH, I'M SORRY.

IT MUST BE THE HEAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

PATRICK IS IN THE MIDDLE OF
AN EXQUISITE PERFORMANCE!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY
PERFORMANCES HE HAS BEEN GIVING.

- WHAT?
- HE'S BEEN SEEING ME

AND BLANCHE AND
PHYLLIS BEHIND OUR BACKS.

YOU'RE A DIRT BAG!

- HE'S BEEN SEEING ME, TOO!
- WHAT?

- YES!
- OH, THAT MAN IS SLIME!

- POND SCUM.
- FLUGENACHEN!

WHAT?

FLUGENACHEN.

IT'S SCANDINAVIAN FOR SOMEONE WHO
DOCKS HIS BOAT IN A HANDICAPPED SLIP.

IT'S TIME THAT MAN WAS
EXPOSED FOR WHAT HE REALLY IS.

- I'M GONNA TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.
- BLANCHE.

I LOVE YOU, JOSIE. YOU'RE
THE ONLY WOMAN IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S A SACK OF COLD
CHESTNUTS, MISTER!

- BLANCHE!
- DON'T BLANCHE ME, LOWLIFE!

YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST HAVE
YOUR WAY WITH ANY WOMAN?

- THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE?
- YES. THERE WAS ME, ROSE...

- AND ME!
- YOU SLEPT WITH THE SHERIFF?

LORD KNOWS HOW MANY
OTHERS HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF!

LADIES, I CAN EXPLAIN!
BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TIME IT IS.
TIME FOR A HANGING! GET ME A ROPE!

AND A TREE FROM PROPS!

WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A
MINUTE! LET ME SPEAK!

ALL RIGHT. I ADMIT, I'M GUILTY.

BUT WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WE ALL HAD A GOOD TIME.

ALL OF YOU WHO HAD A GOOD
TIME, PUT YOUR HANDS BACK UP.

YOU LIAR! PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!

SO WHAT HARM DID I DO?

WHAT HARM DID YOU DO?
YOU LIED TO EVERYBODY!

YOU, SIR, ARE NOTHING BUT A
LOW-DOWN, CARPETBAGGING SCALLYWAG!

AND AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL
NEVER SHAMPOO YOUR HAIR AGAIN!

AND ANOTHER THING...
YOU'LL NEVER WHAT?

- DON'T ASK.
- YOU KNOW HOW WE ALL FEEL.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
GET OUT OF OUR SIGHT,

OUR LIVES AND OUR
TOWN RIGHT NOW?

[APPLAUSE]

- I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
- OH, ME TOO.

DON'T WORRY, GIRLS.

THE AUDIENCE HAD A GOOD TIME.

AND THEY GOT THEIR MONEY BACK.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT, YOU TITMOUSE!

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT

HOW HUMILIATED WE
ALL WERE BY PATRICK.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I FEEL SO COMMON, SO CHEAP.

SO USED.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY
DEAL WITH THAT, BLANCHE?

JUST FOR THAT, I'M GONNA FLUSH THE TOILET
TONIGHT WHILE YOU'RE TAKING A SHOWER.

IT'S ALL OUR OWN FAULT.

WE BEHAVED LIKE A BUNCH
OF TEENAGE GROUPIES.

THE FIRST GOOD-LOOKING, SEXY,

DEBONAIR, CHARMING
MAN THAT ROLLS INTO TOWN,

AND WE GOT ON HIM QUICKER THAN
MUSTARD ON A TIE AT A COUNTY FAIR.

IT'S HARD TO STAY
MAD AT THE GUY.

I DON'T KNOW. THERE WAS
SOMETHING... SPECIAL ABOUT HIM.

HE MADE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL.

HE MADE ME FEEL YOUNG.

HE MADE ME FEEL SMART.

GOD, WHAT AN ACTOR.

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