The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 9 - Blanche and the Younger Man - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Ma, where are you
going with all that food?

I'm stashing it away from Rose's
mother. She's on a special diet.



I hate those people. You
turn your back for a second,

boom boom, your food is gone.

Anything on your plate
is suddenly on their diet.

Oh, come on, Ma. You
haven't even met Rose's mother.

I know a lot of old people. They're
all the same. They're cranky,

they're demanding,
they repeat themselves,

they're cranky,
they're demanding...

Ma, what makes you think she's
old? She's the same age as you.

So how come she ordered
her a wheelchair at the airport,

a special meal on the plane,

and put an oxygen
tank in the garage?

Maybe she's a disabled
welder on a special diet.

Listen, Ma, I want
you to be nice to her.

Maybe you can even
show her some of the sights.



That must be them.

Well, thanks again
for the ride home, Dirk.

I'll see you at Tuesday's
Jazzercise class? I'll see you then.

OK. Unless I see
you before then.

I mean, if you wouldn't
mind, maybe we could go out.

Why, Dirk, did I just hear
you ask me for a date?

Are you deaf? I
heard him from here.

So, Blanche, you think maybe we
could have dinner Saturday night?

Well, why don't I just check my
date book and I'll let you know.

Sure. I'll call you
tomorrow. OK. Bye.

Bye.

Well, isn't this an
interesting turn of events?

Gosh, I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.

You know, he is a little
bit younger than I am.

Watch your step,
Mother. That's a girl!

Oh, Rosie. I haven't
been a girl since 1912.

Why, look who's here!

I want you all to meet my
mother, Mrs. Lindstrom.

This is Blanche and this
is Dorothy and Sophia.

Very nice to meet you.

Tell me, how was your trip?

It was just fine.

Which one of them
is hard of hearing?

Oh, no one is, Mother. We just didn't
want you to have to strain to hear us.

But there's nothing
wrong with my ears!

Of course there isn't.
Now, you sit right down here

and I'll fix you a little snack.

Well, how long will you be
visiting with us, Mrs. Lindstrom?

Oh, only a week. Then she's
off to Houston to see my brother.

Is your name Mrs. Lindstrom?

Mrs. Lindstrom, how would
you like a little tour of our home

while Rose is fixing that snack?

Oh, I don't think this is a
good time for that, Blanche.

Mother has had a big day and
I don't want her to get overtired.

Well, she can skip
the east wing, Rose.

Well, maybe tomorrow.

Now, come on. Why don't you take a little
nap while I fix you something to eat.

Rosie! I'm not a child.
I don't need a nap!

Well, there's nothing
wrong with taking a nap.

Bob Hope takes naps.

Unless he's in the
bedroom now taking one,

I think she'd rather
stay here with us.

Sophia, please. I know
what's best for my mother.

Come on, honey. Let's get
you unpacked. Right down there.

Seems like a very nice lady.

Yeah. Too bad Rose
won't get off her back!

You know what I think? I think I
can handle this relationship with Dirk.

I'm going out with him Saturday
night. Was there ever any doubt?

Momentarily.

This is strictly off
the record, but...

Dirk's nearly five years
younger than I am.

In what, Blanche, dog years?

However, I have decided
to overlook that minor detail

and succumb to the Vesuvius of
passion that is about to erupt from me.

Stand back. We're gonna
get something on us.

I am talking about what's
happening between Dirk and me.

It's something really special,
something fragile and rare.

I've only felt this once before.

It was during my 17th summer

and I was working behind the
cosmetics counter at the Rexall drugstore.

I was stocking the
Maybelline display

when I heard this
booming voice say,

"Excuse me, ma'am. Where
are the cuticle scissors?"

I turned around
and there he was.

Our eyes locked, and
for one brief moment,

there was nobody else
on earth but the two of us.

Please, Blanche. Sidney
Sheldon tells shorter stories!

I know in my heart, if I'd
just followed my feelings

that day at the Rexall drugstore,
today I would be Mrs. Andy Griffith!

I tell you what, I'm not gonna
make the same mistake with Dirk

that I made with Andy.

Didn't she tell us
that story before?

Yes, but the last time it was
Woolworth's, a toenail clipper,

and John Cameron Swayze.

Inhale. Good!

Exhale and lean back.

Hold your position.
Keep breathing.

The only time I get in that
position is when I give birth.

Oh!

Aah, my back! Are you all right?

No, but it's worth it.

No pain, no gain. Got
to look good for Dirk.

A man his age is used to
a trim body with good tone.

Then buy him a Princess phone.

What are you doing now?

I'm taking my bee pollen, and my sheep's
liver extract, and my fish oil protein.

I'm getting younger
with each passing day!

Great, great. When
they defrost Walt Disney,

he'll have someone
to go out with.

Go ahead, make fun.
These treatments are working.

Oh, come on, Blanche. Now,
think about it for a minute.

If you feel you have
to go through all of this,

then what kind of a
relationship can this possibly be?

A youthful relationship.
A relationship that I want.

Dorothy, Dirk is the
youngest man I've ever dated.

If I'm gonna keep him,
I've got to give it all I got.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got some road work to do.

Hi, Blanche. You
look terrific. Thanks!

Blanche looks terrible.

She looks terrible because
all she eats is bee pollen.

I know! Isn't it ironic that
the bees look so good?

Rose, what are you doing home? I
came home early to be with Mother.

No, my mother
took her to the track.

You let her out of the house?

No, she dug a tunnel out of her
bedroom with a dessert spoon.

Oh, my Lord! She's out on
the street and it's almost dark!

Honey, she's fine.
She's with my mother.

Oh, Sophia's different, Dorothy.

She's, she's, she's your mother.

My mother's led
a very quiet life.

All this is gonna
be too much for her.

Come on, honey. She's
out betting on the horses,

not rounding them up.

Hello? Anyone home?

Oh, Mother, are you all right?

She's fine. I'm 50
bucks in the hole.

Look, Rose! I won $400!

I told you she was all
right. Congratulations, Alma.

Mom, I'll be in
the living room...

in case you decide to explain where
you got the $50 that you just lost.

Sophia, what time
does that mall close?

I feel like getting wild!

I'll buy you some of
that bikini underwear.

Nah, it rides up on me.

Mother, you've had
quite enough for one day.

Now, you sit right down there
and I'll bring you a nice cup of tea.

I don't want a cup of tea, I
want to go out and have fun!

Mother, you know how
you get when you get tired.

You're liable to lose your
balance and break a hip.

That's exactly how it
happened the last time.

Rosie, I broke
my hip ice skating!

Do you want to go
back to the hospital?

Did you have fun the last time?

I had more fun than I'm
having here with you. Mother!

Stop mothering me! You
make me sorry I came!

Come on, Rose. You just
checked the door two minutes ago.

I thought I heard something.

I should never have
let them go shopping.

It's too dangerous! Oh,
what are you talking about?

Just this morning, I
read where 1,400 people

were injured in a
food riot in Calcutta.

Oh, Sophia, thank goodness
you're home! Where's mother?

She was feeling lucky so she
wanted to try her hand at jai-alai.

Well, why didn't you go with
her? I'm too short to play jai-lai.

Sophia, you left my mother alone,
roaming through a strange city?

Who's roaming? She
has a bus map, $400,

and a Spanish/English
dictionary.

I can't believe my mother's out
riding around on a smelly old bus,

being pushed around, harassed,

possibly even mugged by
hostile teenagers with bad haircuts.

Rose, you are
overreacting! Come on now.

Your mother is not a helpless little
girl. She is an active, vital woman

who can take care of herself.

I'll get that.

Hello? Yes, this is she.

Oh, my Lord!

Rose, what is it? Yes, I
understand. I'll be right down.

Rose, what's wrong?
That was the police.

What? What's the matter? Is
it your mother? Is she all right?

She's fine. She's
at the police station.

They picked up my
vital, active mother.

She was lost and disoriented.
What do you say to that?

Oh, come on now. Calm
down, Rose. I have to go.

I'm gonna go with you. No, thanks.
You've been quite enough help already.

Well, I hope Alma's all right.

Don't worry about Alma.
She's a tough old broad.

Dorothy, look at me.

I have turned back
the hands of time.

Since Dirk asked me
out, I've dropped ten years.

Why, my face is
smooth, my body is taut,

and my gears are grinding.

Blanche, no matter what
you do to your face, your body,

or your gears, you
are still your age.

Of course you are.
Gravity always takes its toll.

Look at me! I used to be
a tall, voluptuous blonde

with a butt like granite.

When Dirk looks at me, you
think he sees an old woman?

No, he sees a young, vibrant,
passionate contemporary.

Blanche, you haven't
even been out with him yet.

Oh, but my instincts are infallible
in this. Believe me, I know men.

No arguments here.

A husband like Dirk could
keep me young another 20 years.

Or kill ya.

Oh. You look gorgeous.

Oh, why really? Yeah.

Goodness, I didn't even have
time to put on my make-up.

Would you mind waiting
out in the van, Dirk?

I'll be with you in
just a minute. Sure.

I do believe the
man said "gorgeous."

I'm gonna live forever!

Not outside of an institution.

You almost finished? Yeah,
but I don't want to come out.

This is the only peace and
quiet I've had in two days.

Blanche thinks she's Peter Pan and
Rose is turning into Mommie Dearest.

That's nothing. You think
you're Josephine The Plumber!

Ma, I saved us at least $50.

Good, between that and what
I lost at the track, you're even!

Mother, please!

I told you, Rose. They
had no right to take me in!

I merely flagged a
policeman to ask for directions

and before I knew it, he
dragged me to the police station.

He was only trying
to help you, Mother.

And you had the gall to scold me
like a child in front of all those people!

Well, there's no point in trying to
talk to you when you feel like this.

After a good night's
sleep, you won't be so testy.

And we'll discuss this in the
morning. I won't be here in the morning.

What? I'm leaving
early for Houston.

I'll certainly have a much
better time at your brother's.

I'm gonna help her pack.

Then I'll see if I can win
some of that 400 from her

before she leaves.

Oh, Rose, honey. Come
on, she's just angry.

I'm sure she didn't mean it.

How can she talk to me like that?
I'm only trying to take care of her.

Honey, can I talk to you
as one daughter to another?

Do you remember way back
when we were teenagers?

What was the one thing that we
wanted most from our mothers?

A training bra?

Honey, the thing we wanted
most was to be treated as adults.

But then as we get
older, we turn right around

and start treating our
mothers like little girls.

Honey, all your mother wants
to do is be treated like a woman.

Is that asking too much? Hmm?

I got a jack!

You got a queen.

OK, I owe you 40 bucks.

Sophia, could you excuse us?

If I've got to go now, I
don't owe you anything.

Who says? House rules.

OK.

Mother, am I really
making you miserable?

Yes, you are.

I know you don't
mean to, but you are.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

Won't you stay and
give me another chance?

I don't know, Rosie. I
know I drive you crazy,

but it's just because
I love you so much.

You know, after Daddy died,

I just thought I'd
never get over it.

And Charlie...

Well, there's not a day goes
by that I don't think about him.

And now that
you're getting older,

I'm afraid I'm
gonna lose you, too.

That's why I fuss
over you so much.

I understand, Rosie,

but stopping me from living

isn't going to stop
me from dying.

Oh, I can't stand
to think about it!

Well, then, don't.

Let's just enjoy what we have.

Easy, easy, Ma!
That's my best china.

You got it for me when I
got married, you remember?

Who could forget? I carried
it all the way from Sicily!

And for what? So
you could get divorced.

I should have gotten you
something returnable, like a donkey.

You know, I've eaten through a
lot of great times on these plates.

Yeah. You know, with Alma here,

I've been thinking a lot about the
two of us. Oh, what do you mean?

The one thing you never
do is treat me like an old lady.

You treat me like a person.

I appreciate that.

You're a good daughter, Dorothy.

Ma, I'm overwhelmed. I
don't know what to say.

I'll tell you what
you could say.

You could say I
don't owe you the $50.

Ma, you are a crazy lady, and
I love ya, I love ya, I love ya.

I love you too, pussycat.

Yes, I believe I will
have the escargot

and the duck a l'orange

and a nice tossed salad
with the blue cheese dressing.

I'll have the watercress salad
with two lemon wedges, please.

Oh, that sounds great!

I didn't even see
that on my menu!

I'll have the same thing.

Isn't this a lovely
place? Mm-hmm.

It's one of my
favorite restaurants.

I'm into macrobiotics, myself.

I am, too.

I just like this atmosphere.

So what did you do before
you got into teaching aerobics?

I worked in a museum.
You're kidding me!

I work at a museum! I love art!

Me too! I love lifting it.

I beg your pardon?

I used to unload the
trucks. And I don't know why,

but lifting those statues really
helped develop my deltoids. See.

Yes, that's fascinating.
Put that down, honey.

Read any good books
lately? Pumping Iron.

I saw the movie, too, but I
don't think it did the book justice.

How could it?

I really like being with you.

Well, thank you, Dirk.

I like the way you sound and the
way you look. Why, thank you, Dirk.

You remind me of my mother.

She lives in Seattle, and I haven't
seen her for about three years.

But when I'm with you, I kind
of feel like I'm home... with Mom.

Waiter!

86 the watercress.

I'll have the orange duck and a
double Jack Daniel's on the rocks.

Come on, one more hand.

I'm tired, Sophia.
I'd like to cash in.

Now, let's see, these
are worth a dollar apiece.

I have 20 to 30
pretzel sticks here.

Now you got pretzel dust.

Come on, Ma, don't be a sore
loser. Now, you owe her $30.

You're absolutely right, Dorothy.
I stand corrected. Pay her.

Gee, it's getting late. I wonder
how Blanche's date is going.

Yeah, I'm getting
a little worried.

Me too. I don't feel comfortable
with her dating a younger man.

Oh, I'm not concerned about
her dating a younger man.

It's just that her
expectations are so high.

You mean you approve?

Well, why not? I mean,
what's so terrible? I did it once.

You? You dated a younger man?

Yes, Rose. Of course, it was
before I had the hump on my back.

Personally, I don't see anything
wrong with dating a younger man.

The three years I had with Ben
were some of the happiest of my life.

Mother! Well, after Daddy
died and you kids moved out,

there was just no way I could
handle the place by myself.

So I hired a farmhand.

He was such a nice young man.

He raved about my cooking. I guess
they didn't feed him very well in prison.

Anyway, we just loved
being with each other.

Of course, it was a
particularly lonely time for me

and it was nice to
have someone to talk to.

And after awhile, he moved in.

I don't think I could have gotten
through those years without Ben.

But when it was
over, it was over.

But we were both better off
for having known each other.

Mother, how could you?
A drifter? An ex-con?

Oh, I'm sorry. I, I...

You said he made you
happy, that's what matters.

Yeah, he was probably very
nice... for a drifting ex-con.

Thank you, Rosie.

I think I will go to bed now.
Good night. Good night, Alma.

Wait, I'll go with ya.
I'll bring the cards.

Can I ask you a
personal question, Alma?

Did this Ben teach
you how to gamble?

He taught me how to play cards

and how to carve
a pistol out of soap.

Do you think our kids are gonna
want us around when we're their age?

Oh, Rose. They
don't want us now.

Oh, I don't want
to talk about it.

Wait a minute. What's the
matter? What happened?

Oh, my date with
Dirk was a disaster.

He was looking for a mother,
not a lover. It was humiliating.

I think it's sweet. You
would, Betty Crocker.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rose.

I'm just a little depressed.

For the first time in
my life, I feel over 40.

You know why that
is, honey? Why?

Because you're over 50.

Don't I know it. Over
50 and over the hill!

Oh, come on, Blanche.
Age is just a state of mind.

Tell that to my thighs.

Oh, I just feel awful.
I don't want to go on.

No, I can't stand
it! I cannot stand it!

Well, I can't, either! Listen,
you have your looks, your health.

You have a couple bucks in the
bank and friends who love you,

and that's a hell of a lot
more than most people have.

And I'm just not gonna sit here and
listen to you feeling sorry for yourself

and neither is Rose.

Yeah.

She's right.