The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 8 - Break In - full transcript

Rose feels unsafe in her own house after a burglary.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you
knew ♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Well, I loved her.

The name "Madonna"
doesn't really fit her.

"Slut" would be better. Sophia!

Oh, please, please. She
did things on that stage

I never did with my husband.

Oh! Dorothy,
what a thing to say!

Oh! Oh, my!

It's a mess! I've been robbed!

Oh, boy.

Shh. Shh, be quiet!
They could still be here.

Who? The Supreme Court. Who?

The robbers. Is
there more than one?

I don't know. You said "they."

They, him, what
difference does it make?

That's how they got in.

Oh, oh, but wait,
they might still be here!

They're gonna kill us!
They're gonna kill us!


This is a .375 Magnum...

one of the most powerful
handguns in the world.

It could blow your head off.

The only problem
is I don't remember

if I shot four rounds or five.

So you have to ask
yourself, do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya... punk?

Go ahead, make her day.

Wait, Sophia, where are
you going? To my room.

Well, you can't. It
could be dangerous!

Please, I'm 80.
Bathtubs are dangerous!

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

They aren't here anymore.
Let's go check our rooms.

Oh, I just thank God they
didn't take my Chinese vase.

Oh, I'm gonna check the
kitchen. Wait, don't leave me!

What'll I do if they come back?

Show them your slides of Hawaii.

I'm fine. I'm just fine.

There's nothing to be afraid of.
These things happen every day.

The main thing is,
nobody was hurt.

We could have been here.

They could have come
in the middle of the night,

while we slept.

They could have crept up
on us and cut our throats!

Now, look... Aah!

What? I thought
you were the killers.

Relax, relax. I
called the police.

They stole my stole.

What? My mink stole.

Oh, no. Stan gave it to me.

It was the only present
he ever gave me

that didn't need
an extension cord.

They got my jewels.

But I see they didn't
get your cocaine.

Oh, my God. Blanche has cocaine?

This is flour. I hid
my jewels in the flour.

Why did you hide
your jewels in the flour?

Because I didn't
think they'd look there.

What kind of robbers
look in the flour?

That's the first place
they look after the freezer.

The freezer's my other
hidin' place. It's everybody's.

The robbers know that. They
don't even open drawers anymore.

My mama's jewels. I
can never replace them!

Oh, I'm just beside myself.

And you ought to see the
mess they made in there.

They about tore
this place apart.

They were probably
looking for drugs.

We have Maalox and estrogen.

Now, how many junkies
have gas and hot flashes?

Well, they cleaned me
out, took everything I owned.

All I have is what I have
on. They took your clothes?

My clothes, my shoes,
girdle, everything.

Thank God I'm insured.

Ma, why in the world would
they want your clothes?

Who knows? Short girl robber,

travels a lot, likes drip-dry.

It's OK. I'm thrilled.
I hated my clothes.

I need new clothes.

They didn't take them,
Ma. You hid them.

Now, where are your clothes?

Maybe I buried them.

What I can't understand is why
they didn't take my Chinese vase.

Who would want it? Ma!

You know why this happened?
Because we're without men.

What? I don't know
what happens or why.

All I know is, when I had
a husband, I didn't worry.

Maybe nothing happened to me
because I had a husband, and maybe not.

All I know is, when the lights
went out at night, I wasn't afraid.

It's karma. I beg your pardon?

Crime is caused by karma.
Some people give out an energy

that attracts misfortune.
They become victims.

Well, it must've
been one of you.

I certainly don't have
that kind of energy.

'Course, I lost my mama's jewels
because of somebody else's energy.

I got no energy.
I'm going to sleep.

Blanche, come
on. Don't be absurd.

Look, we were robbed,
and now it's over.

It has nothing to do with energy. It
has nothing to do with being single.

It has to do with a lousy lock on a
sliding door and massive unemployment.

Now, I'm going into my room.
Call me when the cops come.

We're all employed,
Dorothy, except your mother.

I wouldn't call that "massive."

Good night, Rose.

Go to sleep, sweetheart.
Pray for brains.

Well, this is not the end.
I can promise you that.

Justice will be done here.

I hate criminals.
I just hate 'em!

Someone's gonna pay
for this heinous crime!

We're gonna have a
good, old-fashioned hangin'.

That's right, a hangin'.

Only first, we'll
have a whippin',

and then we'll have a hangin'.

Nobody takes my mama's
jewels without swingin' for it.


So those are the facts,
ladies. It's not a pretty picture.

One out of every three people

will be the victim
of a violent crime.

That's awful! And since
there are four of you,

that means at least one
of you will be a victim...

of a violent crime.

One of you right here.

And I read that one out of
every three people will get cancer.

Well, that means one
of us will get cancer.

So, that takes
care of two of us.

Oh, knock it off.

Now, we'll take the basic
security package, OK?

How much did you
say it would be? $600.

Fine, we'll take it. It's better
than nothing, but not much.

What do you mean?

Well, for $600, you get a
siren that your neighbors ignore.

But with our deluxe system, an
armed guard is here within five minutes.

I want something that
electrocutes an intruder.

How much more is
the deluxe system?

Ladies, we're talking
about the difference

between being
here in the morning

or being steak tartare.

How much more? A bit more.

How much? Exactly?

Yes. $10,000.

I'd rather be murdered.

I want a great, big wall safe.

You don't need one
anymore. You got no jewelry.

Well, I'll get it back.

I went to the police today
with some sketches I made.

How could you make sketches?
You didn't see the robbers.

Not of the robbers,
of my mama's jewels.

OK, OK, we're getting the
basic system. Whatever.

But not from you.
From your competitor.

What? Because what
you were trying to do was

terrify us into spending
more money than we have.

Now, get out of here, before
the victim of violent crime

in this house is you!

He scared me to
death! Oh, me, too.

He scared me too, but you
wanna know something?

It could be worse. I mean,
we could each be alone.

At least we're together.
We have each other.

It's better with men.
Oh, that's false security.

No, it's not. I was
safer with Charles.

I was never once robbed or
murdered when I was with Charles.

Look, you could have just as easily
been murdered living with Charles.

I'm surprised she wasn't
murdered by Charles.

With George, when
I'd hear a noise,

I'd wake him up, and
then he'd take out his gun.

And then he'd have
to find the bullets,

'cause I'd always
hide the bullets.

And then, when he found
the bullets, we'd make love.

Boy, can you tell a story.

I'm starved. Come
on, let's make dinner.

Oh, well, I'm not
really all that hungry.

I forgot all about him.
Yeah, you go on in there.

Getting a guard dog was your
idea. I'm afraid of large dogs.

When I was three, I was
attacked by a cocker spaniel.

A cocker spaniel's
not a large dog.

To a three-year-old, it is.

We got a guard
dog in the kitchen.

Great, the food is safe!

I know what we can do.

Let's go out to
dinner, my treat.

What about breakfast and lunch?

Look, I'm calling the
kennel to come get him.

I've got a date tonight
and no jewelry to wear.

Some scum's woman is
wearing my mama's jewelry.

I wonder if jewelry
comes from Jewish people.

In Little Falls, the
jewelry was Jewish.

Jeweler, Jewish... I wonder
if there's a connection?

I think there's a connection

between your brain
and wallpaper paste.

I don't know why people
even have dogs at all.

I don't like anything in my
house that doesn't know

how to use the toilet.

See ya. Oh, no, Sophia!

No, Sophia! Dorothy! Dorothy!

Dorothy! Oh! What, what?

Oh, God, I don't know
how to tell you... What?

Oh, it's about your mother. Ma?

Oh, my God, and the dog...
I think he ate your mother.


Some attack dog.

He hid under the
table, peed on the floor,

and ran out the back.

Oh, give me that!

I thought I was gonna die.

I swear, I have
never felt such agony.

I saw my entire life
flash before my eyes,

and I thought, "What
a shame if I die now.

I'm too young."

And I'm wearing the
wrong underwear.


Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry, it's just me.
I had to get in quickly

'cause when I
got out of the car,

I noticed a swarthy
man with a weapon.

Swarthy man with a
weapon? What are you doing?

Buenos dias, Fernando.

The gardener,
trimming the hedge.

I was running, he
was blurred... Ohh...

Oh, no! Blanche has
been attacked! Sort of.

Oh, honey, what
happened, you poor darling?

I went to the police station
today to get an update on my case.

I borrowed your
pocket hairspray.

I took it from your
dressing table.

You know what this
humidity does to my hair.

I know... cotton candy.

Well, just as I entered
the police station,

I saw there was this cute officer
there who's had his eye on me,

so I took out your hairspray
and gave my hair a final spritz.

Only, surprise, it
wasn't hairspray.

It was mace.

You had mace. Your
hairspray was mace.

I maced myself right
there in the police station!

I almost died. I fell
to the floor blinded,

writhing in pain.

Couldn't move for 20 minutes.

Well, what do you
know? It works!

Works? They thought
I was on angel dust.

They wanted to arrest me!

I'm lyin' there, dyin',
and they're harassing me.

Murderers are
free, rapists are free,

but a poor widow on the
floor, they try to lock up.

Who'd I hurt? Me?

Now, look, Rose.

This is it. We have had it!

No mace, no tear
gas, no grenades!

No jewelry.

I won't be needing
mace. I just bought a gun.

You don't know how to use a gun!

The man at the
gun store taught me.

In the basement, they've
got a little shooting gallery,

kind of like the ones
at amusement parks.

Except no prizes.

And you shoot at
little paper targets.

This was mine.

Honey, there are
no holes in it. I know!

That's because
they're all in your head.

Now, listen. I cannot
live in a house with a gun.

Dorothy, don't
overreact. Rose, good.

You get a gun,
you kill 'em! Yeah.

Kill 'em. We'll have
a dead gardener.

Now, listen. Rose,
this has gone too far.

You are going overboard.

Now, I think you
need to see someone.

Dorothy, I don't think a date
is necessarily the answer.

I meant a
psychiatrist, hot pants.

Well, now, what
do you say, Rose?

Come on, honey, we'll all go.

You think I'm
crazy. No, I don't.

But I do think you need
help. I mean, you don't eat,

you don't sleep, you're
afraid all the time.

You got nothing to
fear but fear itself...

and, of course, the boogeyman.

I always heard psychiatrists
could read your mind,

but he didn't do that.

Because there's nothing
in your mind to read.


Well, anyway, I liked him.
He was very understanding.

Pay me $85, I'll
be understanding...

and make you marble cake.

And he liked me. Oh,
Blanche, how do you know that?

'Cause he kept saying,
“Blanche, how do you feel”"

I wanted to say, “Wouldn't
you just like to know, big boy”"

I hate psychiatrists. They
blame everything on the mothers.

Sophia, he didn't blame you.

You heard what he said...

“We're afraid because our
mothers taught us to be afraid”"

For survival, Ma. They had to.

I mean, what's a
mother supposed to say?

"Don't be afraid of strangers.

Eat their candy.
Get into their cars"?

Well, he made me
feel better. Me, too.

I was just thrilled
to be out of there.

He had two dead
fish in his tank.

Of course, your speech endorsing

public beheadings with no trial,

I think got him a
little concerned.

I know. He wants
to see me again,

but I think it's personal.

In my day, we
didn't have therapy.

We were too busy looking
for food. Looking for food?

You mean, to take
back to your cave?

Rose, your father
was a dairy farmer.

You looked for
food in your freezer.

The psychiatrist didn't
make me feel better.

I feel better that
you all feel better,

but I don't feel any better.

Not even a little? No.
In fact, I feel worse.

Why worse? He was my last hope.

Now, I've got to get some
sleep. I have to get up pretty soon.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, honey.

Good night?

Boy, we really have a problem.

I know. The police are doing
nothing about my jewels.

Not that! There is
a woman in there

so terrified something is
going to happen at night

that she sleeps
only in the daytime.

I know. And then at sunset,
she makes a big pot of coffee

and sits up all
night with that gun.

It's better than
having that dog...

as long as she
doesn't wet the floor.

You shot my vase.

I heard footsteps
and a man's voice,

and the alarm went off!

It was Lester. He
accidentally set off the alarm!

Oh, I'm sorry! You shot my vase!

I didn't shoot Lester.

I'd rather you shot Lester.

I think I'll pass on
the nightcap, Blanche.

Go on home, you old fool.

What happened? She shot my vase!

Thank God. I hated that thing.

What are you doing
shooting? Are you crazy?

I heard a noise. I
thought it was the robbers.

I manage to live 80, 81 years.

I survive pneumonia,
two operations, a stroke...

One night, I'll belch,

and Stable Amble here
will blow my head off!

Rose, you've got
to do something!

This is crippling you!

Just save whatever
pieces you find, Sophia.

I can glue it back together.

You bet... whatever I
find. I love that vase.

Rose, Rose, you
cannot go on this way.

I mean, life isn't worth living

if you're gonna live it
with this kind of fear.

Now, honey, we were robbed.
It's scary, but it happens.

And now it's over, and
the robbers are gone.

I know. I know
that. I know it's over.

I know they're
gone, but not for me!

For me, in my mind,
they'll always be here!

Oh, honey.

Oh, dear God.

Lady, wait!

Hey, lady!

Three and one is
four, and ten is 14.

And a double letter
score is 18, 19, 20, 23.

And a triple word score

makes a total of
69 points. I win.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There is no such word as that.

There certainly is.

Fine. I'll look it up,

and if it isn't in the
dictionary, I win.

We don't have a
dictionary. Yes, we do.

Not anymore.
The robbers took it.

They stole our dictionary?

That's right. Too bad.

Ma, "disarm" is not a
word. You made it up.

It's a word. Fine.
Use it in a sentence.

"You're no good at disarm game."

They caught them.
They caught the scum.

Oh, that's wonderful, Blanche!

It is for you. They
found your stole.

They didn't find my
jewels. Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

They can sell my jewelry,
you see. It's worth something'.

Who'd want that thing?
Nobody wears stoles anymore.

My mama's jewels, out
there on the black market,

being fondled by filth.

I just can't wait
to testify in court.

I want to see those guys fry.

Well, everybody, you will
never guess what I did today.

What? I was in
this parking garage.

I had to go to the dentist

'cause I lost my crown
in a nectarine yesterday.

And there was no
parking on the street.

There I was, all alone.

I heard footsteps. Ooh.

It was my nightmare come
true. Someone was after me.

I ran, he ran. I ran
faster, he ran faster.

No! He grabbed my arm,

and I turned around
and dropped him.

Kneed him right in
his safe-deposit box.

Dropped him like
a sack of potatoes.

He lay on the ground,
and he was writhing

and groaning and
screaming in agony.

And I stood over him,

and I looked at this
pitiable creature,

and I thought, "I can
take care of myself!"

I'm not helpless.
I'm gonna be OK!

Oh, honey, that's wonderful!
Oh, honey, that's fantastic!

I have faith again.
Kill the killers!

This calls for
champagne. I'll get it.

No, honey, there's none on ice.

I'll put some in the freezer.
It'll be ready in 20 minutes.

Oh, so what happens now? I
guess you press charges, right?

Well, no. No, actually not.

He might press charges, though.


You see, the guy that was
moaning and screaming

and groaning in agony
was the parking attendant.

He was coming after me because
I'd forgot to pick up my keys.

But I'm not afraid anymore!

I know that when it
comes right down to it,

I can take care of myself.

Oh, honey, I always
knew you could.

Oh, damn. What?

My jewelry... Oh,
please, Blanche.

Enough with your
jewelry! No, I found it.

What? It was in the freezer!

Oh, Blanche, that's wonderful!

It was there all the
time? And, you know,

if you'd had your way, the
robbers would've been beheaded.

Well, that doesn't matter.

The point is, they
stole your stole.

A beautiful stole.
You can't replace it.

They don't make 'em
anymore. Look here...