The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Competition - full transcript

Rose wants to join a bowling tournament and she needs a partner. And Dorothy is the best bowler she knows. Blanche also wants to join and wants Dorothy to be her partner. Dorothy chooses not to play with either of them. But Rose signs up and puts Dorothy as her partner. She reluctantly agrees. A guy Sophia knows comes and wants Sophia to go with him to Sicily. She wants to go but she doesn't have the money so she hopes Dorothy will give it to her. But she doesn't want her to go alone. She then teams up with Blanche for the bowling tournament and bets that if she wins Dorothy should give her the money. But somehow Blanche ends up with Dorothy as a partner so Rose teams up with Sophia and they resort to all sorts of things to win.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

♪ La, la, la la...

♪ La, la, la, la la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la,
la La, la, la, la, la

Ma, what smells so great?

Nothing. Just a little spaghetti
sauce I threw together.

Oh, come on. This is your special
14-hour sauce. What's the occasion?

Nothing. Oh, come on.
You haven't made this sauce

since Uncle Dominic
married off that daughter of his.

You know, the one who
looks like Tony Bennett?

Now tell me, what's going
on? Mmm. I told you, nothing.

Oh, Sophia, that
smells heavenly!

Is it Chef Boyardee?

Stick it in my heart,
Rose. It'll hurt less.

Oh, girls! I cannot believe
how extravagant I've been!

It cost too much money, but when I
saw it in the window, I had to have it.

What? Look at this. What
do you think about that?

It's hard to tell, Blanche. We'd
need to see both earrings on.

You silly.

I bought it to help Rose and me
win the bowling tournament this year.

You think you have
a shot at the trophy?

I thought the Nielsen
twins were unbeatable.

Oh, I don't really care whether
we win or not. I just like to have fun.

And we sure had a good time
last year, didn't we, partner?

It was OK.

You know, maybe I should get a
partner and enter that tournament.

You know, I used to be
a pretty decent bowler.

Decent bowler? You were a
fabulous bowler - 180 average.

180? Come on.

Come on, Ma, you were
always a better bowler than I was.

I know. I do everything
better than you.

Mmm. If this sauce was a person,

I'd get naked and make
love to it. God, I love you.

Hey, Ma? Ma, you know that doubles
bowling tournament is next weekend.

What do you say you and I team up
and enter, huh? No, I can't. I'm too busy.

I'm sure I could find you a partner,
Dorothy. You're too busy doing what?


“Will be in Miami
Thursday. Hope to see you.

Respectfully yours,
Augustine Bagatelli."

Who is Augustine Bagatelli? Nobody. Just
a boy I knew from my village in Sicily...

that I was engaged
to once. What?

Well, what do you
know? Sophia has a past!

That's right, but unlike yours, I
didn't need penicillin to get through it.

Ma, you never told me you
were engaged. What happened?

The war happened.
Augustine went off to fight

and I never heard from
him again until today.

I wonder why he looked
you up after all this time?

Are you kidding? He
was crazy about me.

I was the only girl in the village
who didn't want to be a nun.

Hey, hey, hey!

How do I look? Like
a widow in mourning.

Perfect. He'll
know I'm available.

Hi, Dorothy. Oh, hi.

Oh, Sophia, did your friend die?

Rose, he hasn't come here yet.

Oh, well, you
certainly look black.

Rose, Rose, did you get me a
partner for the bowling tournament?

Sure did. You're all signed up.

It's him! Want me to get it?

No. If he sees me sitting,
he'll think I have arthritis!



You shrunk!

Hello, I'm Dorothy.
I'm Sophia's daughter.

Augustine Bagatelli.

Oh, well, I'm sure you two
have a great deal to catch up on.

Nice to have met you.

Oh, Ma, I'll be right here in
the kitchen in case he gets fresh.


So, uh, what's new?

Not much. You?

Not much.

My condolences on
your husband's passing.

Thank you. I've been
in mourning 22 years.

My wife's been dead 31 years.

Philomena Del Nero,
she was from our village.

Is she the one whose father
used to stand outside of town,

drink Chianti, and play
with a top all day? Yes.

He lived with us for two
years after we get married.

Thank God he drank
himself to death.

You feel like going for
a walk? Oh, I'd love it!

Thank you, thank you.

This is so cute! I think they're going for
a walk. Rose, get away from that door.

I can't help it. I just
think it's amazing

that a man would look up his
first love after all these years.

Well, I wonder why
Italian men are so romantic.

It's the tight pants, Rose.

So, tell me, who did you
sign me up to bowl with?

Oh, I wanted to talk
to you about that.

Well, I am stunned!

Just stunned!

Stunned is the only way to
describe how... stunned I am!

Just a minute, just
a minute, Blanche.

Are you trying to tell
us... that you are stunned?

Don't you make fun of
me, Dorothy Zbornak!

I just saw the signup sheet
down at the bowling alley.

Rose dumped me as her partner,

and then the two of
you signed up together.

I did it.

Dorothy's a better bowler than
you are and I want to win this year!

Rose, how could you
do a thing like this?

I admit it. I have a problem.

I'm too competitive
when it comes to athletics.

I've never told anybody this,
but I had to transfer high schools

because of a field
hockey incident.

Rose, that was a terrible
thing to do, dumping Blanche.

I'm not gonna be your partner. Oh,
no, I want you all to stay partners.

I've already got another partner. I
signed up with Olga Nielsen. Ha-ha.

Olga Nielsen! Oh,
that's impossible!

Olga always bowls
with her twin sister Sonja!

That was before Olga found out Sonja's
been sleeping with her boyfriend Lars,

and not telling him he
had the wrong sister.

Oh, Rose Nylund, I can't
wait to whip your butt!

Oh, Olga Nielsen is a terrific
bowler! They could beat us!

There is no “us,” Rose. I
am not bowling with you!

Oh, Dorothy, Dorothy. I
don't ask many favors of you,

but I'm asking one
now. I'm begging.

Please, as a friend,
be my partner.

Blanche has
somebody to bowl with.

You want somebody to bowl
with. I need somebody to bowl with.

Please, just say yes
and nobody will get hurt.

Oh... all right!

Unless we don't win...

Hi! Oh, hi, Ma. Where you been?

I took Augie to that
cafeteria in the mall.

Ah. Well, you and Augie have been seeing
a lot of each other these past few days.

Yeah, we've been
having a lot of fun.

Augie's a terrific
guy, and a gentleman!

Every time I leave the
table, he tries to stand up.

It's a shame he has to
go back to Sicily so soon.

It would have been nice if the
two of you had more time together.

I'm glad you said that, because
he wants me to go back with him.

What? Not for good. Just
for the San Genero festival.

That's where we met 65
years ago. I want to go back.

Oh, gee, Ma. I'm sorry,
honey, but I can't let you go.

Who's asking your
permission? I'm going anyway.

Ma, look, I
absolutely forbid it!

Now come on, you've had a
stroke, you have high blood pressure.

It would be lunacy to
risk your health this way!

Listen, you are not the
woman you used to be.

I'd feel terrible if
something happened to you.

At my age, I can't worry
about that. This is special.

I've made up my mind! I'm going.

Oh, then I'm wasting my breath.

You're a grown woman.
I can't tell you what to do.

I know. Now lend me
$1,200 for the airfare.

Non che pensa de!

I can't believe you're
denying your own mother.

Denying her what?
Springsteen tickets, Rose.

Will you please
stay out of this?

Dorothy's trying to keep
Augustine and me apart!

That absolutely adorable man?

Dorothy, how could you?

Oh, Rose, you're
such a good person.

Many, many times I wished
you were my daughter.

Ma, please.

And you, Dorothy, are
a tall disappointment.

I can understand why Rose is
dumping you as her bowling partner.

Rose is dumping Blanche.
She is not dumping me.

Oh, yes she is. I
heard her on the phone!

Your mother's right, Dorothy.

You begged me to be your
partner and now you're dumping me?

You and I could never beat
Blanche and Olga Nielsen!

That's why I had to team
up with her sister Sonja.

I need to win, Dorothy,

and let's face it, you
are no Sonja Nielsen!

Rose... get professional help.

Well, I am devastated!

Just devastated!

Devastated! Oh, knock it off!

You are not gonna
believe what happened!

Those Nielsen twins
are back together. What?

Lars Lindquist, the man
they were fighting over -

he's dead.

Found slumped over a
desk at his Volvo dealership.

When the girls found out about it,
they decided to forgive each other.

Now they're back
together in the tournament!

Oh, gee, Blanche.

It's too bad you won't have
anybody to bowl with now.

We better get down to the
alley for some practice, partner.

Forget it, Rose. I
am dumping you!

Blanche, how would you like me to
be your partner? Oh, I would love it!

Dorothy, you can't, you can't do
this. Now I don't have a partner.

Yes, you do. I'll be
your partner, Rose. Ma!

You think I can't
take care of myself?

You think I'm too
feeble to go to Sicily?

I'll show you who's not
the woman she used to be!

Come on, Blanche! I'm Rose.

Simple mistake, means nothing.

Blanche, let's go!

Come on, Blanche, let's go!


Blanche, wake up. My wife
will be home any minute.

Oh! Where's my shoes?

Oh, Dorothy, that was
a terrible thing to do!

I'm sorry, but we have to
get down to the bowling alley.

Oh, it's 6:00 am. Why
are you making me do this?

You have to go! The bowling
tournament is tomorrow.

Now, we need the practice!
Oh, we practiced enough!

Every morning before work,
every evening after work.

All I ever wanted was to
look cute in my bowling outfit.

Honey, aren't you forgetting
something? Rose dumped you!

That's right, she did.

I hate being
dumped. I just hate it.

I haven't been dumped since Wade Honeycutt
threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson,

a girl who did not
value her reputation.

Did you let him get
away with it? Hell, no!

What did you do?
Slept with his brother.

Come on, partner.
Let's go get even!

Oh, please, Blanche. I'm
55, and Rose has six brothers!

Oh, I'm talking about
the bowling alley. Shh.

I mean down at the bowling...
I don't want them to know

we're sneaking in all this
extra practice. Oh, right.

Morning! Aha, morning.

Well, you two are up kinda
early. But not as early as you two.

But then again, you
need the practice.

Hey, Dorothy, if you're
so sure of yourself,

how about a little side bet?
Oh, what did you have in mind?

If I win, you'll lend me the
money to fly to Sicily with Augie.


All right, fine. But if I win,

I get those antique silver earrings
that you never let me borrow.

You're on! Come on, Blanche.

Blanche, do you want to
have a side bet with me?

Well, I would, Rose, but
everything you own is so damn ugly.

Oh, I can't wait
to whip your butt!

Now, here we are,
alley number seven.

Oh, number seven!
That's my favorite!

I'm so glad we got number
seven. You're not superstitious?

No, it's adjacent to
the men's locker room.

When that door opens, you can see
right in there. Who cares, Blanche?

We have more important
things on our... minds.

Take a load off, Rose. We're
here, alley number seven.

Wait a minute, what
are you all doing here?

We're supposed to be sharing
this alley with the Nielsen twins.

They had to drop out
to go to Lars's funeral.

I thought Lars's
funeral was yesterday.

It was, but he requested
an authentic Viking funeral

and every time they tried to
set him and his ship on fire,

the Coast Guard
kept putting it out.

They had to
reschedule for today.

Look at that! I
don't believe that!

Look at what they have
on! Oh, calm down, honey.

They're just trying
to get to you. Oh!

Rose, take that off.

What? You are wearing
my bowling outfit.

Why, I do believe you're right.

Oh, don't worry about it,
honey, nobody will notice.

It looks so different on a
woman with a full bosom.

Don't you throw your
bosom in my face!

Blanche, Blanche, don't
you see what's happening?

They are resorting
to cheap tricks

because they know
we're better than they are.

Now, honey, all
we have to do to win

is just stay cool, calm,
and collected. All right.

Oh, did you find a ball
that's comfortable, Ma?

What did you call her? Ma.

We've grown very
close the last few days.

Now listen, no one
calls her "Ma" except me.

You got that? Have
I made that clear?

Dorothy, Dorothy,
calm down, calm down.

What did I tell you? I knew
it would get under her skin.

All right, everybody's started
except us. Could we please begin?

OK, I'm up.

Strike. Mark it down.

The ball hasn't
even gotten there yet!

Look, all you've got is
a one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,
eight, nine... Darn!

Strike! Mark it down.
All right, Dorothy.

You go get 'em,
darlin'. Go get 'em good.

Nothing to it. As
I told you before,

all we have to do to win is just
stay calm, cool, and collected.

Another hot dog, Ma?

Darn! I left three
pins. I can't believe it!

Ha-ha! I can't believe you can
swing that ball past your hip.


everyone is finished
and I checked the score.

If you can pick up a
spare in the last frame,

we'll be leading the
tournament! Consider it done, Ma.

Go to it.

I did it! I did it!
We're in the lead!

We're gonna win! We're
gonna win! We're gonna win!

Rose, Rose, aren't you
forgetting something?

We haven't bowled
our last frame yet.

We can still win, and we will.

Oh, I don't think so. You see,
I've bowled with Blanche before.

Maybe this isn't the
best time to mention it,

but when the chips are
down, Blanche chokes.

Don't you, sweetheart?

Eat chalk, Nylund.

You go get 'em, Blanche.


Blanche? I'm fine.

I just feel a little
cold and clammy,

and just a little
short of breath.

Now you just settle down,
you hear me? Settle down.

Ooh, don't make
me do this, Dorothy.

This ball feels like it weighs
about a hundred pounds.

Honey, I sympathize with you.

Anyone who has ever competed

understands what you're going
through. So listen, sweetheart,

if you don't feel like bowling,
you don't have to. Oh, good.

You just hold onto the ball

and I'll throw you
down the alley.

Blanche, this is embarrassing!
Now, get back out there!

No. I don't want to.
I just hate bowling.

All I ever wanted to do is
look cute in my new outfit.

We all look cute
in your new outfit!

Oh, that does it!

Ha! I did it! I did it!

You did what? You
knocked down two pins!

It's a personal triumph.

Well, we're not out of it yet.
All we need to win is a spare.

Sophia! Hi, Augie!

Did you win? Can you
go? I don't know yet.


No. You left the nine pin.

Oh, easy spare. I've made
this shot a hundred times.

Your daughter is a very
good player, Sophia.

She must have picked
it up from you, huh?

How do you know
I'm a good bowler?

Because you were
so good at bocce ball.

Remember, we
played together once?

Oh, yeah. After
the grape harvest.

Boy, that was a nice afternoon.

Very nice.

And you know what else
was nice about that day?

That was my first kiss.

Mine, too.

Go get 'em, Dorothy.
Whip their butts.

Oh! Oh, Dorothy, a gutter ball!

A gutter ball!

We won! We won! I won! I won!

You lost and I won!

You lost the bet, Dorothy.
That means I'm going.

You go, honey, and
with my blessing.

I'm touched. Do I
have your 1,200 bucks?

You have my blessing
and you have my money.

For another thousand,
I could go first class.


So Augie and I took
a bus to Palermo

to look up our old
friend Teresa DiFino.

We spent two hours on the bus,
another hour looking for her house.

We finally find the
house, knock on the door,

and what do you know? She died.

Ma, it happens. That morning!

Yeah, but aside from that,

you and Augie really had a
great time, huh? The best.

Going home brought
back a lot of nice memories.

And at my age, it's nice to
have someone to share it with.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here, this is for you.

Your antique earrings.

They're yours. You
won 'em fair and square.

Oh, come on. What are you talking
about? You and Rose won that tournament.

Please. You blew it on purpose.

The nine pin for the
spare is your best shot.

You could make
that shot all day long.

Here, enjoy them.

OK, OK, I gotta unpack.

I got a valise full of
clams about to go bad.

Hi, Dorothy.

Don't talk to me.

Hi, Blanche. Don't talk to me.

Oh, look, I know you're
both still angry with me.

And you have every right to be,

but I hope you can forgive
me for the way I acted.

Winning doesn't mean anything if it
means losing your two best friends.

Besides, we all
bowled well this year.

That's why I had all our
names engraved on this trophy.

In my opinion,
we're all winners.

Well, Rose, what
a sweet thing to do.

Oh, Rose, can I ask
you a question? Sure.

Why is your name three
times larger than ours?

Because I'm the one
who actually won it.

If you ever want to look
at it, it'll be in my bedroom.

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