The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 6 - On Golden Girls - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Why do these things
always happen to me?

I'm just a wreck. I don't
know what I'm going to do!



Blanche, we go through
this every morning.

Now, admit it,
you have cellulite.

I am not talking about
cellulite... which I don't have.

I am talking about my daughter,
Janet. I just got off the phone with her.

She's having marital troubles.
Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry.

But they've decided to
try and work things out,

so they're going to Hawaii
for a second honeymoon.

Well, sounds like they're trying
to work it out. Why are you upset?

Don't you listen?
She has cellulite.

Those are dimples.

Dimples are on these cheeks! Ma!

I am upset because, while
they're in Hawaii for two weeks,

they're leaving my
14-year-old grandson with me!

Oh, Blanche, that's
wonderful news!



Why, you shouldn't be upset.

No, I should be upset.

How am I supposed to
study for my French final

with a 14-year-old in the house?

It's hard enough
with an 80-year-old!

Are you referring to
me? Of course not, Ma.

I'm referring to Cary Grant.
He's living in the broom closet.

Hey, it's Blanche's
grandson. We do for family.

You're right, Ma. You're
right. I'm just being selfish.

Oh, it probably won't be
too bad. No, I suppose not.

But whatever will we do
with him for two weeks?

There are plenty of
things to do down here.

We can take him to Disney
World, the Seaquarium,

the Everglades, Rambo... Rambo?

The movie with Sly Stallone.

I sat through it
twice. You'll love it!

He sweats like a pig and
he doesn't put his shirt on!

It's not gonna work.
I'm not sharing my room.

Oh, Ma, Ma, I'm not thrilled
with the arrangement, either.

But for the two weeks that
David is here, we'll make do.

Sure, it's easy for you.
I'm not the one who snores.

I do not snore.

Please! I'll bet less
disgusting noises

come out of Ernest Borgnine!

I just fixed a special
treat for David.

It's the same little after-school
snack I used to make for my own son...

A triple-decker BLT

and a hearty helping of
homemade potato salad,

and a great big slice of
double chocolate fudge cake.

Oh, where was he going
after school, the electric chair?

Oh, girls!

What's the matter?
Where's David?

I don't know where he
is. He wasn't on the plane.

Come on, Dorothy. I'll help you
move your things back to your room.

Oh, Ma. Please!

Come on, Blanche. Now,
calm down. Calm down.

He probably missed the
plane. It can happen to anyone.

I missed a plane
once... and a train...

Rose, you miss a lot of things.

He got on the plane, all
right. I checked with the airline.

Well, you probably just
missed each other at the airport.

Dorothy, I was
standing there at the gate

from the moment the
first passenger got off.

I paged him. I checked with
airport security. I called the police.

Oh.

David, oh, David! Grandma!

Is this your kid? Honey,
what happened to you?

It wasn't my fault, I promise.

He stowed away in the airplane
lavatory when they landed in Miami

and the authorities picked him
up in the duty-free shop in Freeport.

You went to the Bahamas?

I went to the bathroom!
The next thing I know,

I'm in the Bahamas. And
I figured while I was there,

I'd buy some perfume for you and
your friends in the duty-free shop.

David. I'd keep an
eye on this one, lady.

Oh, I don't know how
to thank you, officer,

but I would like to try.

I'm usually at Wally's for
happy hour on Tuesdays.

Blanche!

Ma'am.

Bye.

David. I ought to give
you a good talking-to,

but I'm just so glad you're all right, I'm
willing to overlook this little incident.

Now, come on, I want
you to meet my friends.

Hello, David. I'm Dorothy.

This is Rose. Hello, David.

Hey, what's happening?
This is Sophia.

Oh, we've just been
so anxious to meet you!

Yeah, I'll believe that if you
believe the Bahamas story.

You know, David, I went
to the Bahamas once.

Oh, yeah? Was it on the Niña,
the Pinta, or the Santa Maria?

It was a DC-10. I don't
think it had a name.

Yeah, that's very funny, Rose.

Yeah, I'm gonna
grab a bite to eat.

I passed this burger
joint around the corner.

Looked like there might
be some kids there.

Oh, but David, wait a
minute. You just got here.

Oh, I'd really
prefer you to stay.

I planned a special
meal for you, David.

Tomorrow. I love leftovers.

Well, what time will you
be back? Hard to say.

It depends how late the guys
from Miami Vice want to party.

Later!

Well, I don't believe that!

But then, what can I
expect? His father's a Yankee.

I guess I really should
have given him some money.

You should have
given him a smack. Ma.

I don't believe
in hitting children.

Personally, I like to lay
into a kid with a melon baller.

It's got a nice weight,
good balance in the hand,

and it's portable.

My father used to punish us by
sending us to the dairy barn to milk Alice.

Well, what's so
terrible about that?

You had to milk
Alice sitting on a stool.

I thought you always milked
a cow sitting on a stool.

No, no. Alice had
to sit on a stool.

You see, she was involved
in this nasty plowing accident.

It was during spring planting

and Daddy had hitched
her up to the plow

'cause poor old Toby had
gotten a fever and gone deaf.

Rose, Rose, Rose...

Sweetheart, save the story.

When David comes back, tell him.

That can be his punishment.

Ma, what are you doing?

Living. Pardonnez-moi.

I just can't study
with the noise!

Fine. I'll stop breathing.

Look, I haven't studied
since David arrived.

My test is...

My test is in two weeks
and I do not want to blow it.

You'll pass, you'll pass. I
don't want to pass. I want an A.

You're the same as you
were in grade school... A's.

You always had to get an A.

Your brother thought a book was
to sit on. You always had to get an A.

Good night. Good night, Mom.

If I breathe and it bothers
you, put a pillow over my face.

How could I sleep
with that racket?

What racket? Your pencil.

My pencil? You're
pressing too hard.

It's making me crazy!

I give up.

Look at me. What?

You're getting a
cold. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Tomorrow,
you'll have a cold.

What is this, the
curse of the catwoman?

I'm a mother. I
know these things.

Good night, Ma. Good night.

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

Are you wearing something?

A little BenGay on my knees.

A little Vicks on my chest.

A little Deep Heat on my neck.

What are you trying to do, pickle
yourself so you'll live to be 100?

Fine, I'll wipe it off. Tomorrow,
I'll be in a wheelchair.

Good night, Ma. Good night.

Keep it up, I'll
need a Dramamine.

I'm trying to get comfortable.

Not me. You get too
comfortable, you don't wake up!

Good night, Ma. Good night.

Ma. What?

That noise. What noise?

The noise you're making
with your nose and throat.

I got a postnasal drip.

What would you like me
to do, drown in phlegm?

Good night, Ma. Good night.

You know, we haven't slept
together since I was a little girl.

Thank God.

I used to get into your bed whenever
I had that dream about the bear.

Yeah... the bear dream.

I hated that dream.

A bear is eating
you. What's to love?

You were so cute.

You were always so
polite when you woke me.

"Mommy, I'm having a bad dream.

Could I come in?"

I felt so safe with you.

Listen, I felt safe with
you when you were three.

And you always used to smell
from Midnight in Paris perfume.

Better than this, huh?

It sure was nice.

It still is.

Good night, Ma.
Good night, pussycat.

What in the world
is going on here?

David, I said, what in the
world is going on here?

I thought you were in bed!

I couldn't sleep, so I
went out and got a pizza.

Made a few friends and
we decided to have a party.

David, this is an inconvenience.

I mean, it is 2:00
in the morning.

Now please, ask your fr...

friends to leave.

Come on, girls.
Relax, loosen up!

Hey, life's too short.
Especially for you guys.

David! I'll get
the melon baller.

Take it easy, ladies.

Don't get your
support hose in a knot.

That does it! The party is over!

Everybody out, out!

Not you. Out!

It's really been lovely.
And if anything is missing,

I will give your names
to every narc in this city.

Oh!

David, clean up this
mess, then go to bed.

Hey, why don't you clean
up the mess yourself?

I mean, what's the big deal?
We were just having some fun.

You know that those happen to
be my friends you just threw out?

You know, this really stinks.

What am I supposed to
do for the next two weeks,

just sit around and listen
to your arteries harden?

You stop that!

You know something? I am having
a real problem with your attitude!

Oh, really? Well, you
can all just kiss my attitude!

Ma.

Well, you wouldn't let me get
the melon baller, so I improvised.

Is that all you Italians know
how to do, scream and hit?

No, we also know how to
make love and sing opera.

Mom, you had
no right to hit him.

Oh, Blanche, I'm so sorry.
She should not have done that.

Well, I have to
go talk to David.

I feel just awful about this.

This is like The Long
Day's Journey Into Light.

"Night," Rose. Night, Dorothy.

David, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just that nobody
ever hit me before.

I think I should go home.
Oh, honey, you can't go home.

There's nobody there to
take care of you. That's OK.

I'd rather be there, alone,
than trapped here with you.

Besides, I can
take care of myself.

I've been doing it long enough.

What do you mean?

All Mom and Dad ever do is
fight. They don't even know I exist.

Have you tried telling
them how you feel?

They wouldn't listen.

I'm listening.

Yeah, only because they dumped
me on you and you feel you have to.

No, David. Well,
you don't have to!

Just leave me alone!

"Trim the hedges, mow the
lawn, paint the patio furniture,

wash the windows, clean out
the garage, scrub the denture cup."

I added that. I hate doing it.

This is too much. I
can't ask him to do this.

Of course you can.

Idle hands are the
devil's workshop.

God, I wish I'd said that.

I don't see how doing all these
chores is gonna make him feel loved.

Look, Blanche, the one
thing that David has never had

in his life is structure.

Now, doing chores will
give him a little responsibility.

He might even start
feeling good about himself.

And start hating me if
I ask him to do all this!

Now, listen, Blanche, you
do what is best for David,

not what is easiest for you.

Yeah, we had
chores on the farm...

boys and girls.

And when we finished, we had
such a feeling of accomplishment.

We had to feed the chickens,
slop the hogs, muck the stalls.

Please, I'm trying to eat here!

And after I finished
all that, I still had to

take care of Larry,
my one-eyed pig.

What did you people do, run a
farm for handicapped animals?

But you grew up in the
country. David's a city boy.

Oh, wait now, Blanche, come on.

I'm from New York. I did chores.

I made the beds, I
washed the dishes,

scoured the pots,
cleaned the bathroom,

folded the laundry,
took out the garbage.

My, my. Did you
attend a military school?

No, she lived with me.

Did they have chores in
Sicily? Are you kidding?

They invented chores in Sicily.

Crossing the street without getting
pregnant was a chore in Sicily.

Rose, never
mention Sicily. Oh...

Well, I guess when I was
little, I didn't have to do anything.

And I raised my
daughter the same way.

So that's why David is the
way he is now, so it's all my fault!

Oh, now, Blanche. You
can't blame yourself for David.

You're right. It's
my mother's fault.

I am gonna give
this list to David

and see that he
starts right away.

How is it possible to
get pregnant in Sicily

just by crossing the street?

Cheap Chianti and
narrow streets. Ohh...

If you wait a couple of minutes,
I'll make you some sandwiches.

Where you going? I don't know.

How you getting
there? I'll take a bus.

I see. And when the bus
gets to you-don't-know-where,

what will you do
then? Get a job.

Really? Yeah.

As what, Secretary of State?

I gotta go. So you're
just gonna wimp out, huh?

I'm not wimping out.
Well, what do you call this?

Why should I stay here when
I got all this crappy stuff to do?

And no one likes me anyway.

You know, first of all, buddy
boy, life is full of crappy stuff to do.

It's everywhere, so
you better get used to it.

The President has
crappy stuff to do.

Second of all, your
grandmother happens to like you.

My mother likes you.

She doesn't hit anyone unless
she really cares. Take it from me.

And I happen to like you.

My life stinks. I know.

Things are tough at home
and that really does stink.

But you have a choice.

You can tough it out,
or you can let it beat you.

But right now you're here.
And this doesn't have to stink.

And if you stay and work at it

and everything turns out,

you'll have a place to visit

when the things at
home really get to stink.

I just can't, like,
come here whenever.

You can just, like,
come here whenever.

Well, I don't mind
the gardening,

but it's, like, the
vacuuming I hate.

That's, like, for girls.
Well, we can renegotiate.

I'll do the vacuuming if
you'll, like, learn English.

Come on, I'll fix you
something to eat.

All right, now,
attention, everyone.

I want to propose a toast.

To Dorothy Zbornak, who
got an A in her French class,

proving that you can
teach an old dog new tricks.

And if anyone knows
about tricks... Ma!

Thank you, ladies and gentleman.

Or should I say, merci
beaucoup, mes amies.

Oh, my, that was impressive!

Jane Goodall once taught an
ape to rumba... that's impressive!

Now I would like
to propose a toast.

To David, who in the past week

has proven that he
is one damn good kid.

Hear, hear.

You know, it's really
been interesting.

I got hit, did chores,

learned all about
handicapped animals.

All in all, it hasn't
been half-bad.

And if it's all right with you,

I wouldn't mind
living here full-time.

Well, I would certainly have to
discuss that with your parents.

Oh, Mom and Dad will say yes.

They'll be as happy
with the idea as I am.

Well, I'm gonna
get some ice cream.

Wait up! I'll show you
where I hide the good stuff.

Call his mother!

Blanche, what are we gonna do?

Do you think I should call his
mother? I really think you should.

All right, I will.

I don't want to send him
back to an unhappy home,

but we're grandmothers.

It wouldn't be fair to be this
old and have to raise children.

Hello, baby, it's Mama.

Well, I'm fine,
honey. I'm just fine.

I'm calling you about David.

No, he's fine.

Um, matter of fact, he's
so happy here, Janet, that...

I've decided to keep
him and raise him myself.

You heard me.

Well, he says that you and
Michael spend so much time arguing,

that you don't
have time for him.

Don't you take that
tone with me, missy.

Yes, I realize
you're his mother...

No, I don't suppose I can stop you if
you insist on coming and getting him.

But you let me tell you this... if
you and Michael don't straighten up

and give that boy the love
and attention he deserves,

I will kick your uppity butt
till hell won't have it again!

She'll call us right back. She
has to wake up the Yankee.

Well done, Blanche.
Oh, absolutely. Nice bluff.

That was no bluff. I
meant every word of it.

I would love to have a
chance to raise David.

I might make up for the
mess I made with Janet.

I still wish you'd let us
drive you to the airport.

Oh, my cab's already here. Besides,
I've seen the way you all drive!

Oh!

I'm gonna miss you guys.

It was nice of your folks to
let you join them in Hawaii.

Yeah, they've never ignored
me on an island before.

David, you listen to me.

Now, they want the three of
you to start over from scratch,

so the least you can
do is meet them halfway.

I'll try. I bet it'll be
easier than you think.

Yeah, especially now that
you have an alternative.

If things get too tough at home, you
can always come here and live with us.

Well... Bye, Grandma.

Bye, honey.

Dorothy. Bye, love.

Rose.

See ya, slugger.

Bye, darling. Bye.

Run, run, run! Go.

Oh, I hope he's
gonna be all right.

Oh, Dorothy that
was so sweet of you,

telling him he could come
live with us. I meant it.

It's gonna be awfully quiet
around here without him.

I'll say. No more
listening to Dorothy snore!

Ma, I do not snore!

Please, I had to turn you from the
window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!