The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Triangle - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you
knew ♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Wait a minute! Now, just
where do you think you're going?

Over to Mildred's to watch
the adult movie channel.



She has a wide-screen TV.

You are not going anywhere.
Dr. Clayton is coming.

Dr. Silvano is my doctor!
Dr. Silvano is dead.

Trust me, I'm in better
shape than he is. Goodbye.

Ma, you have to
have an examination!

Now, your blood pressure is up,

you're tired, you have
absolutely no color.

I'm an old white woman. I'm
not supposed to have color.

You want color?
Talk to Lena Horne.

Here we are, Sophia.
Homemade chicken soup.

I used to make it for my husband
when he wasn't feeling well.

Did you make it for him the
last time he wasn't feeling well?

- Oh, hello, everyone.
- Hi, Blanche.

Oh, I just happened upon
the most divine dress sale.



I would've called you girls,

but all they had
left were petites.

So what did you buy, shoes?

I'm a petite. I'd
better get over there.

I need a black dress
for Dr. Silvano's funeral.

Dr. Silvano died two months ago.

You went to his funeral.

Right, I can't let him see
me in the same dress.

Ma, you're not going
anywhere until the doctor comes!

Sophia, you can't
go anywhere now.

I want you to see how
good I look in my new dress!

You know something?
We are really lucky

that we found a doctor
who makes house calls.

I know. When I was
growing up in Minnesota,

the doctor made
house calls all the time...

for us and the livestock.

You and the animals
had the same doctor?

Sure. Worked out fine...

until the doctor started
drinking hog liniment

and tried to neuter
the Swensen brothers.

If that's the doctor, tell him

I have no insurance
and no money!

If he still wants to come in,
he just wants to see me naked.

Hello, I'm Dr. Clayton.

I'm here to see Sophia Petrillo.

Oh, please, please
come right in.

I'm Dorothy, Sophia's daughter,

and I usually look much better.

Uh, this is my friend, Rose.

Hello, Doctor. Rose.

And this is Sophia.

What seems to be her problem?

Well, her blood pressure is up

and she's a little
pale and a little tired.

She presently on any medication?

Yes, to control
her blood pressure.

How long's she been on that
medication? What am I, two years old?

I don't know my own symptoms?

I've lived in this
body since I was born.

If something goes wrong,
I'm the first one to hear about it!

I'm sorry, Sophia. What
seems to be the problem?

What am I - a doctor?

Why don't we start by
taking your temperature, huh?

Temperature, hmm.

He must have graduated
at the top of his class.

Under your tongue. Uh, tell me,

are you new to this
area, Dr. Clayton?

Yes. I recently moved here.

Oh, Miami's a beautiful city.

I'm sure you'll
enjoy living here.

Yes, and I'm sure
your wife, Mrs. Clayton,

will enjoy it, too.

Mrs. Clayton and I
are no longer together.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So, tell me, have
you had a chance

to see much of the
city? No, not really.

Well, perhaps I could show you
some of the highlights sometime.

That sounds great. I'd love it!

I'd love to go too.

Except, I have
to wash my hair...

every day... for
the rest of my life.

It's very oily.

What about dinner
tomorrow night, Dorothy?

Say, about eight? Perfect!

We'll go to Jack's Crab
House. It's wonderful.

Well, girls, is this dress
gonna stop traffic or what?

Oh, hello there.

I don't believe we've
been introduced.

My name is Blanche Deveraux.

That's French for...

"Blanche Deveraux."
I'm pleased to meet you.

Forgive me for
staring, but I do declare,

you're just about the most
attractive man I've seen in Florida

since Mr. John Forsythe
performed Hamlet

at the Burt Reynolds
Dinner Theater.

Blanche, might I
see you a moment?

Pardonnez-moi. Oh!

Listen, you keep your
bloomers on, Scarlett.

He's taking me
out tomorrow night.

But he wants me. I can feel it.

Let somebody else feel it.

I saw him first. But we
were meant for each other.

I'm a woman, he's a man.
And what am I, Little Richard?

Oh, all right, fair's fair.

But if he has a friend
who makes house calls,

I can be ill any night this
week except Thursday.

Well, doctor, how is she?

Her temperature
seems to be normal.

Tell me, Sophia, are you taking

your medication as directed?

I take my medication
every day, if I remember.

You have to remember
to take it every day.

Oh, I'll see that she
does, Dr. Clayton.

Elliot.

Well, ladies, it's been a
great pleasure meeting you.

Dorothy,

it's been especially
nice meeting you.

I'm sure she's all right,

but you call me if you need me,
and I'll see you tomorrow night.

Goodbye, Elliot.
Goodbye, Dorothy.

Oh, thank you for being
a kind and generous god.

OK, what do you
think of this one?

Oh, Dorothy. You and
Elliot have been out

almost every night this
week. He's obviously hooked.

You don't have to
look good anymore.

What you have on is fine.

I'll change. Oh, come on.

I'll help you pick
out something.

There's nothing left to pick!

The only thing I haven't
tried on is the bedspread.

Oh, hello, Elliot. Come in.

Hello, Blanche. Dorothy ready?

Oh, I'm afraid she's
gonna be a little while.

May I offer you a drink?

Why, sure, if you'll join me.

I don't mind if I do.
What would you like?

Something smooth and
sweet with a little kick to it.

Hmm. How about a Sloe Gin Fizz?

Now, you're talking
about the drink

and I'm talking
about the bartender.

Oh. Blanche, you feel all right?

You feel a little
flushed to me. I do?

Yeah, let me check your pulse.

Ooh, it's racing. You know what?

So is mine. I beg your pardon?

You are a very attractive
woman, Blanche. I know.

Very...

very attractive.
Now, wait a minute.

What are you
doing? How dare you?

What kind of woman do you
think I am? Come on. Relax.

Relax? Don't you
tell me to relax!

I am not accustomed
to being manhandled.

I thought you'd be
flattered. Well, I'm not.

Pardon my strong language,

but you, sir, are no gentleman.

I'm sorry. You ought to
be. What about Dorothy?

She happens to be my friend. There's
no reason to bring Dorothy into this.

Hmm. Hi, Elliot.

Hello, Rose.

My, what is that marvelous
scent you're wearing?

Fancy albacore tuna.

I made a casserole for dinner.

Well, you certainly
wear it well.

I think it's the pimento
that really sets it off.

Hello, Elliot. I'm
so sorry I'm late.

It's all right, but
we should be going.

Girls, if I'm not
back by Christmas,

someone take my
mother to midnight mass.

There is something
about that man I don't trust.

I can't put my finger on it.

I can. He's a letch.

No, that isn't it.

Oh, yes it is, Rose.
He made a pass at me.

Oh, my Lord! That's terrible!

Dorothy'll be heartbroken
when you tell her.

Oh, I'm not telling her
anything. Well, she's your friend.

You've got to tell
her! Oh, no, I don't.

The last time a
friend's sweetheart

made a pass at me, I lost
my friend and her beau.

And her beau?

That's right. Anderbeau Johnson.

Clyde Whitehead,
Anderbeau's beau,

decided he wanted to see

my cheerleader's
sweater from the inside.

So when I told Anderbeau, she
blamed the whole thing on me,

and then Clyde would never
speak to me again for telling!

I lost Anderbeau and her beau!

Now you understand
why I can't tell Dorothy?

I don't even understand
who Anderbobo is.

All I know is that
Dorothy should find out

what kind of a
man Elliot really is.

Now, if you're her
friend, you'll tell her.

But, honey, she'd be devastated!

What kind of a friend would
I be to hurt her like that?

What kind of a
friend would you be

if you let Elliot ruin her life?

She could marry that man!

They could have a child!

They could adopt a child!

And then one night
at the country club,

possibly during little
Mei-Ling's coming-out party...

Dorothy's having
the time of her life

when she goes to the powder room

and she overhears the towel
lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck

that Dorothy's husband,
Dr. Elliot Clayton,

has bonged every female
member of the country club.

Can you let that
happen to Dorothy?

Can you let that
happen to little Mei-Ling?

Hasn't she suffered enough?

Not as much as I have
listening to that story.

Oh.

Forget the story.

You have to tell
Dorothy. She's your friend.

You're right. She
is my best friend.

I thought I was
your best friend.

You were till you
told me that story.

Thank you. Good night, Dorothy.

Good night, Elliot.

Oh, Dorothy. Dorothy, I thought

you'd never come home.
I have to talk to you.

Is something wrong? Is it
Ma? Oh, no, no. She's fine.

It's just that you're out
so late on a school night.

What? I mean, how
was your date with Elliot?

Wonderful, as usual.

Dorothy, I have to
tell you something.

It's just so hard. I don't
know how to tell you,

except, I guess,
just straight out.

What?

Well...

Elliot made... Elliot made...

What?

Elliot made a...

What? What did Elliot make,
a ship in a bottle? What?

Elliot made a pass at me.

Elliot made a pass at you?

You mean, he winked at
you. He winks at everyone.

He's a very big winker.

No. It was more than a wink.

He came up to me,
and he put his big,

masculine arms around
my tiny, little waist.

I don't believe you. What?

I don't believe that he
put his big, masculine arms

around your alleged
tiny, little waist.

Dorothy, why would I
make up such a thing?

Because you're jealous. Jealous?

You are used to getting all
the attention around here,

and suddenly someone
comes along and wants me

and not you and it is
eating your guts out.

Eating my guts out?
You know something?

You could never be a real
friend to another woman,

and you know why? Why?

Because you're a slut! A slut?

Don't repeat everything I say.

Don't repeat everything you say?
I'm not repeating everything you say.

You just did. I did not.

Nothing you say
is worth repeatin'.

You, Blanche, are an amoral,

backstabbing,
self-centered Jezebel,

and I am very glad
that this happened

because now I know really
what kind of person you are.

The hell with you and your
oversexed boyfriend, Dorothy Zbornak!

I'm just glad that
little Mei-Ling's

coming-out party was ruined.

Who?

And, I'm glad that Elliot
is bonging every woman

at your country club!

What the hell are
you talking about?

Ask the towel lady!

Morning, Blanche. Can
I get you some coffee?

"Dorothy deserves
to know what kind

of a person Elliot really is.

If you're her friend,
you'll tell her."

Thanks for the advice, Rose.

Now Dorothy's
not speaking to me,

and I'm not speaking to you.

Now you can get me that coffee.

Blanche, I know it
doesn't feel like it right now,

but you did the right thing
by telling Dorothy about Elliot.

What about Elliot?
He made a pass at me.

While he's seeing
my Dorothy? Yes.

I can't believe it!

My daughter is finally
dating a doctor...

He turns out to
be a scuzz bucket!

Why does everything
happen to me?

Dorothy hates me. Oh,
Blanche, that's not true!

Oh, yes, it is, and I hate
her right back double.

Now get me some cream.

Morning, Dorothy. Blanche and
I were just having some coffee.

Would you care to
join us? Frankly, Rose,

I would rather use
Willie Nelson's hairbrush.

Must you attack
everything Southern?

Come on, now, girls.
This is no way to behave.

Isn't there some
way we can settle this

like rational adults?

We can, once Dorothy
stops acting like a child.

I am acting like a child? Do
you know what your problem is?

That's Elliot. I have to leave.

How dare you leave in the middle
of a fight? You come back here!

I have a few things I
want to say to you, missy!

All right, girls, now
hold it right there,

and I'm not fooling around!

Dorothy, I think you
have to confront Elliot

with Blanche's accusation.

Absolutely not!
Now, I have to go.

Morning, Dorothy. Ready to go?

Not quite.

Elliot, Blanche says that you

made a pass at her. What?

You heard her.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you sure knew
what to say last night.

Elliot, did you make a
pass at Blanche or not?

Absolutely not. He's lying.

Look at him, he's twitching...

and blinking.

He's lying and
twitching and blinking.

He is blinking, Dorothy.

Maybe I had better
wait for you in the car.

Dorothy, you just
have to believe me.

It's not enough
that you have had

half the men in Dade County.

You have to have everyone
else's men. It is pathetic.

I have just never felt
so betrayed in all my life.

I haven't been a good
friend to a lot of people,

but I have been a very
good friend to you, Dorothy.

And you take some
stranger's word over mine?

I'm not gonna stand for this,

not in my own house.
I want you out of here.

Blanche, you don't mean that.
Dorothy, she doesn't mean it.

I do so mean it!

I'll be out as soon
as I can find a place.

Blanche, you can't just throw
Dorothy out on the street!

You just watch me.

What's the matter, Sophia?
You couldn't sleep, either?

No, I was sleeping great, Rose.

I just wanted to
show off my pajamas.

I'm upset about
Dorothy and Blanche.

Oh, me, too.

Who would believe
that they'd break up

their friendship over a man?

It happens. What can we do?

Nothing. Just stay
out of it. I can't do that.

Let me tell you a story.

Sicily, 1912. Picture this:

Two young girls, best friends

who shared three things:

a pizza recipe, some
dough, and a dream.

Everything is going
great, until one day,

a fast-talking
pepperoni salesman

gallops into town.

Of course, both
girls are impressed.

He dates one one night,
the other, the next night.

Pretty soon, he drives
a wedge between them.

Before you know
it, the pizza suffers,

the business suffers,
the friendship suffers.

The girls part company
and head for America,

never to see one another again.

Rose, one of those girls was me.

The other one you probably
know as Mama Celeste.

Sophia, what's the point?

The point is, I lost a fortune!

Well, what does
that have to do with

getting Dorothy and
Blanche back together?

Nothing! I told
you, stay out of it!

I can't!

I can't just stand by
and watch this happen.

I've got to do something.

That might work too.

Abbondanza!

Rose, honey, can I
borrow your golf gloves?

I already packed mine.

Only if you promise
not to move out.

I cannot promise that!

Then putt with bare hands.

Hi. Ready to go?

Soon as Rose lends
me some gloves.

They're in the bottom drawer
on the left, under my clarinet.

Be right back.

Has anyone ever told you

you look exactly
like Jerry Vale?

No. They should.

He's the only man in the world

that can make the hair
on my arms stand up.

Can I fix you a drink?

No, thanks.

Is something
wrong with your leg?

Nothing you can't
fix, doctor man.

I beg your pardon?
I know I look square,

but I'm like my
father's tractor.

I take awhile to warm
up, but once I get going,

I can turn your topsoil
till the cows come home.

Rose, please.

Wanna see some Polaroids
of me in my tennis skirt?

Look, Rose, I'm flattered,
and please, no offense,

but you're just not my type.

But Blanche was.
That never happened.

Oh, yes, it did. Blanche
told me all about it.

She made it up.
I don't think so.

Look, nothing came of
it. I did apologize to her.

And you lied to me. Dorothy!

You lied to me about Blanche!

Dorothy, sweetheart,
please try to understand.

It was no big deal.

Oh, you think so? I probably
lost one of my best friends

because of you. To
me, that's a very big deal.

I take it we're
not playing golf.

We're not playing
anything anymore.

Well, I call you in a few days

when you've cooled down.

Don't bother. I really
have nothing to say to you.

I'm so sorry, Dorothy.

No, I'm the one who's sorry.
I have to go talk to Blanche.

I just... I've been an idiot
through this whole thing!

Darn right you have.

Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Look, Blanche, we have to talk.

I don't believe I have
anything to say to you, Dorothy.

Then let me do the talking.

Elliot was just
here and he told me

the truth about what happened.

Well, I hate to
say, "I told you so,"

but I did. I told you so!

Honey, I'm sorry
for not believing you.

There's no excuse
for my behavior.

There most certainly isn't.

I guess when it came
down to it, I didn't believe you

because I didn't want to.

Nobody ever believes me
when I'm telling the truth.

I guess it's the curse of being a
devastatingly beautiful woman.

Oh, please!

The only other woman who
could possibly understand

what I've been through
is Priscilla Presley...

and Susan Anton.

No, not Susan Anton.

Even my husband didn't
believe me on my wedding night

when I told him
he was the first.

But George wasn't your first.

Well, he didn't know that!

The point is, he
didn't believe me.

Look, Blanche...
Blanche, I'm sorry.

Now, do you think you
can ever forgive me?

I don't know. I have
to think about it.

I understand.

OK, I've thought
about it. I forgive you!

Oh, Blanche, Blanche, thank you!

Oh, what the heck!

That's what
friendship's all about.

Oh, Blanche, Dorothy! Oh,
I'm so glad you made up.

I knew you couldn't
stay mad for long.

Of course we couldn't.

Oh, it takes a big woman
to forgive somebody

calling her a slut.

You!

Fight over? Good.
Here, taste these.

I'm conducting a
pizza challenge.

One of these is mine, one
is Mama you-know-who's.

Taste them and tell
me which you like better.

If I'm right, this could
be worth millions.

My face could be in
every freezer in America.

Mmm. A, definitely.

Mmm. Yep, A.

A. A, without a doubt.

You can't pick men
and you can't pick pizza!