The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 4 - Transplant - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh, it's a mess. This
place is just a mess.

Rose, what am I gonna do?
She's gonna be here any minute.



This place is a pigsty!

Oh, Blanche, it looks gorgeous.

Don't sit! I just fluffed!

Honey, dust the
table. I just did.

Well, do it again.

God, I wish she wasn't
coming. I just hate her.

I can't believe you
hate your sister.

I despise her.

Oh, I wish I'd
gotten a decorator.

Nancy Reagan's decorator.

That'd kill my sister.

She's your sister. How
can you hate your sister?

Because she made me and my big sister
Charmaine miserable our entire lives.

I never heard of such a thing.



You never heard of
anybody hating their sister?

Never. Maybe it's Southern.

Sleeping with your
brothers is Southern.

Dust, Rose, dust!

We're running out of time.

Sophia... if you
hated your sister,

would you clean the house?

I'd put Vaseline on
the tips of her walker.

Everybody, look what I have.

Where did you find...? Oh, no.

Ohh. Don't sit. Don't sit!

Oh, what is our name?

This is Danny.

Dorothy, what in
the world is that?

It's a flounder, Blanche.
What do you think it is?

What's that baby doing here?

It's Lucy and Ted's baby.

Ted had a little
accident waterskiing,

and Lucy's taking
him to the hospital.

Now, we cannot have
a baby in this house.

My sister's coming.

Does she eat them?

I have cleaned this
house from top to bottom.

I have killed
myself for two days.

Now, babies make a mess.

In diapers. And unless
we use them as placemats,

your sister will never know.

Oh, Lord.

Boochie-boochie-boochie-boo.

Oochie-boochie-boo-boo...

Finally - someone
she can talk to.

I just hope it doesn't make
a fuss when my sister's here.

I thought you hate this
sister who's coming.

I do.

I'm gonna put him to
bed. Ma, the ba-bas.

Why do you hate your sister?
That's what I wanna know.

Because when she was
born, I ceased to exist.

I never saw my mama
and daddy again.

Where did they go?

They never looked
at me again, Rose.

She was the adorable one, the
gorgeous one, the brilliant one.

She sat in my daddy's
lap for 16 years.

Oh, and she was hateful.
You know what she used to do?

She used to bite herself on the
arm and then run crying to Daddy

that I had done it
and he'd punish me.

Oh, she got me in
trouble all the time.

Daddy used to call
me the bad seed.

Once, she even electrocuted me.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes. It was the
day before Christmas,

and we were playing,
and she jiggled the tree

and the star fell off and broke.

So she told me to pick it
up and put it on my finger.

And I did.

Then she plugged it in.

And wham!

My eyes bugged out,
my hair shot straight up.

I did a crazy rubber
dance all over the room.

I'm sure my heart even
stopped beating for a minute.

Then she ran to
Daddy and told him

that I had broken the star
and almost electrocuted her,

and he sent me to my
room for all of Christmas Eve

and told me that Baby
Jesus was mad at me

for ruining his birthday.

Oh, Blanche, that's horrible.

And that's not the worst part.

That darn electricity
straightened my hair.

I used to have curly hair.

That was a lovely
lunch, Blanche,

a lovely lunch in a lovely house

with your lovely friends.

Stop making fun of me, Virginia.

Making fun of you? Honey,
I was complimenting you.

I heard the way
you said "lovely."

How did I say "lovely"?

Oh, you know very well
how you said "lovely."

You said "lovely" the same
way you say "lovely" to a date

who's just shown up
in a light-blue tuxedo.

Here. Sit.

Well, I meant "lovely"

no matter how it came out.

I guess maybe I just didn't
think you'd recognize good taste.

You know, this house was done
by Nancy Reagan's decorator.

Really? Yes.

But never mind about
that. Let's talk about you.

You look like you lost a
little weight, sugar. I have.

You know, at your age,
when you lose weight,

your skin just
hangs there like...

like leaves on a willow.

I haven't lost that much.

I don't think that's
happened yet.

Well, I don't know,

but if I were you, I sure
wouldn't wave goodbye.

And if I were you, I sure
wouldn't jog without a muumuu.

Is that so? Well, just let
me tell you something!

Oh, Blanche, please. Let's
not do this. Let's grow up.

For God's sake, we have
done this our whole lives long.

Let's call an end to it, OK?

Sure, whatever.

So...

you thinking about
getting a face-lift?

For your, uh... how
do I put this delicately?

Turkey wattle or what?

There, there.

It's colic. My children had it.

You give them brandy. For colic?

Yes. After dinner with a cigar.

Rose, you give
brandy for teething.

You rub it on their gums.

Oh. I thought I gave
it to them for colic.

In their bottles.

Well, my babies were very happy.

Put it in my bottle.
I'll be happy, too.

Look at this - pop-ups.
Isn't that wonderful?

Mm. Remember when we had
to use cotton and fish ointment?

That's nothing. In Sicily,
we use a leaf and the river.

Ma, you never
had a baby in Sicily.

I was a baby in Sicily.

Disposable bottles and formula.

We had to sterilize our
bottles and make our formula.

I nursed.

Your brother was
12 when he stopped.

He wanted to come home
from school at lunchtime.

I got nothing left up here.

Oh, Ma.

Well, she's gone.

That's it?

That's why we couldn't sit
on the couch for two days?

No. I have to have
dinner with her tonight.

Why is that baby still here?

They're still at the hospital.

It's taking a little
longer than they thought.

Blanche, your sister
seemed very nice.

She was nicer than
she's ever been.

She was interested,
charming, caring, loving.

Just couldn't have
been more wonderful.

I just wonder what she wants,

the conniving little witch.

You're welcome, Maurice.

Let's make a toast. With water?

Well, I can't drink.
You never could.

One Jack Daniel's,
and you'd disappear

with half a fraternity house.

Blanche, we said we
weren't gonna do this.

Well, what else can we do?

We never held a real
conversation our entire lives.

Well, then, it's time
for us to start, OK?

Fine with me.

To us.

To the beginning of a new
and wonderful relationship.

To sisters.

That's very sweet, Virginia.

Now, what do you want?

What is it with you?

You just step on any
kind of tender moment.

Oh, tender moment, my foot.

All my life, you've taken everything
that ever meant anything to me.

What did I take?

A couple of cashmere
sweaters and a poodle skirt?

You took my poodle
skirt? Was that you?

Blanche, that was
over 40 years ago.

Oh, shut up.

I can't believe that you
are still crazy about that.

It's not over that.

It's over Tom. Tom?

Don't act so
surprised, Virginia.

You knew I was dating him.

Then I had to go to the
country to visit Aunt Augusta,

and when I got back, I had
poison ivy and you had Tom.

I loved that boy. I wanted to
marry him. We were serious.

You only had two dates with him.

I was fast.

I swear I didn't think
that you liked him at all.

Then I had to be maid
of honor at your wedding.

I had to stand there and
watch you marry Tom.

And I had to wear
that green dress,

which you knew was
my most awful color.

I looked just like a swamp frog.

Everyone I ever loved, you took.

Would it help you to know
that Tom fooled around?

No.

With who?

Everyone.

Huh. Serves you right.

Blanche! Well, it does.

What goes around, comes around.

Well, then, I must
have been really bad.

What do you mean?

Well, it's the reason I'm here.

I knew it. I knew
you had a reason.

Better be a good one.

I'm dying.

What?

I'm dying.

Well... my God.

That explains it, then.

What?

Why you're looking so
much older than I am.

Ma, could you eat a
little more quietly, please?

These are Fritos. You want
me to swallow them whole?

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Blanche.

Oh, the baby gone?

No, Rose is driving him
around to get him to sleep.

Why is he still here? Ted
needs some minor surgery,

so they're still
at the hospital.

What about Virginia? Well...

- Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Is he asleep?

You need any help? No.

We're gonna have that
baby till college. Shh.

So, how was dinner?

I'm still in shock.

What happened?

I just can't believe it. What?

You just never think you're
gonna hear that. Blanche, tell me.

She's dying. What?

My sister's dying. What?

Dying. She's dying.

Oh, my God, Blanche!

Oh, honey, I didn't
even know you were sick.

Not Blanche. Her sister.

Oh, thank God.

Oh!

And she came here
to tell you. Is that it?

No, please. She could've
done that over the phone.

No, it was like I said. She wanted
something. Oh, please. Enough already!

I mean, the woman is dying. What
could she possibly want from you?

My kidney.

Your kidney?

My kidney.

Why would she need a kidney?

To feed the cat, Rose!

She's going into renal failure,

so a transplant
is her best hope.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

What happens if she
doesn't get your kidney?

She'll die.

You hold her life in your hands?

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I'm glad you're not my sister.

I need something to eat.

Well, didn't you
just have dinner?

Oh, I couldn't eat. I
was just too stunned.

What are you gonna do, Blanche?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, it's not as if
she were my daughter.

She's my sister,
my sister that I hate.

I wish I could give
her my kidneys,

let her get up all night.

And what if I give
her my kidney,

and then the one good kidney
I have left stops working?

What do I do then,
ask for my kidney back?

You'd be an Indian giver.

I need both my kidneys.

You know what'll
happen if I give her one?

My ankles will swell,
my eyes will puff up.

I'll look just like the
Pillsbury Doughboy.

Blanche, that does not happen.

You can live just
fine with one kidney.

I can't eat this food.
I'm going to bed.

I'll just think
about it tomorrow.

All I know is, girls,

I'm in a no-win situation here.

I lose a sister or a kidney.

Either way, no matter what I
do, I'm gonna lose something.

What would you do?

Well, for my children, I
wouldn't even have to think.

I mean, I'd give
them both my kidneys.

I'd cut 'em out myself.

Me too. I'd give them my heart.

I'd give to all my
children, except Phil.

Why not Phil?

Because he never
calls, he never writes.

I only hear from
him at Christmas

when he sends me a
cheddar cheese nativity scene.

I'm Catholic.

I can't spread a wise
man on a Ritz cracker.

If I still had my dog
Fluffy, I'd give to him.

You'd give what to
Fluffy? My kidney.

Oh, come on, Rose. You'd
give a kidney to a dog?

Absolutely.

So he could wiz on your rug?

I would give to him because
of everything he gave to me.

He was loving, he was loyal,
he was fun. He never left my side.

I wish my ex had
been like Fluffy.

Would have solved
a lot of problems.

You could have had him fixed.

Oh, poor Blanche.

Blanche, I know you need
some time to think it over.

You're damn right I do.

We're talking about a
vital organ in my body here.

I know.

You gonna give it to her or not?

Sophia.

What does it mean -
a little less bourbon?

It's a big decision, Sophia.
She's got to think about it.

She's family.

If you can't count on family,

who the hell can you count on?

She's Italian.

I'll understand, you
know, if you decide not to.

Well, how come you didn't
ask Charmaine for her kidney?

You were always
closer to Charmaine.

Charmaine's kidneys are attached to
each other. What do you mean, attached?

Well, the two are joined.

It's like having one big kidney,

and you can't separate 'em.

Leave it to Charmaine.

I know. She never could help
Mama because she had heart flutters,

and she never could
take gym class, no,

because she had a tipped uterus,

and she never did any housework

because she had a spastic colon.

Now, she has attached kidneys.

That girl is some
kind of mutant.

I'd give you one of my kidneys,

but I'm sure you'd rather
have one you can control.

Thank you, Sophia.

Welcome.

Look, if you decide not
to, I'll understand. I swear.

Sure. You'll be dead,

and everybody will
say, "Blanche killed her."

What I'm trying to say

is it's a terrible
choice I've given you.

I don't even know
what I would do

under the same circumstances.

Are you saying you don't
know if you'd give me a kidney?

No, I don't.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You never even
lent me a Kleenex.

Besides, I'm a size eight.
Your kidney wouldn't fit me.

There's not room in
my body for your kidney.

Well, I guess I'd
better be going,

and if you decide
to go ahead with it,

I'll see you in
Atlanta in a few days.

Are you scared?

Terrified.

I guess anybody would be.

I guess.

Blanche, whatever happens...

I love you.

Thank you. Bye.

The doctor says it's the first
time he's ever been called

because a baby was
sleeping in the day.

And then I think he
called me an idiot.

He is sleeping in the day

because he has four women
who won't let him sleep at night.

Now, who went in there
last night? Was it you?

Well, I went in once. Why?

I'd been working. I
hadn't seen him all day.

And was he sleeping? At first.

This has got to stop. No
wonder that baby didn't sleep.

He wasn't the only one
who was up all night.

You were, too? Yes. I had
time to do a lot of thinking.

And?

And of course I'm gonna do it.

Aw, Blanche,
you're a brave lady.

Oh, you really are,
honey. No, I have to.

I don't want my sister to die.

I want her to live.

And not just for her, for me.

I wanna get to know
her like a grownup.

Well, I want us to have a chance

to be friends, sisters.

After all, she's the
only family I have.

I thought you had
a sister Charmaine.

Oh, you can't count her!

Why, she's an awful,
selfish, neurotic woman

who made me and Virginia
miserable our entire lives.

I gotta go pack.

I hate to give him
back. Goodbye, Danny.

Goodbye, pussycat.
Goodbye, little fella.

What are you carrying on?
It's like talking to a salami.

Well, he has to
leave. I'll be right back.

Say bye-zee-bye! Bye, darling.

You be good now.

I'm worried about Blanche. I wish
she had let one of us go with her.

Not me. I hate hospitals.

My friend Matty Fishbein

went into the
hospital a healthy guy.

Then boom, boom - dead,
just like that, in his sleep.

98 years old. No apparent cause.

I don't like hospitals, either.

They're full of germs.

I always hold my
breath in the elevators

'cause there are sick people in the
elevators, and it's such a small space.

Once, I had to go to the
eighth floor in a hospital,

and the elevator
stopped on every floor,

and I had to hold my
breath all that time.

And I finally fainted
and I hit my head,

and then I had to stay there
because I had a concussion,

and I had to hold my breath
all the way down in the elevator

to the emergency room.

Then I had to hold
my breath in the x-ray,

where they ask you to
hold your breath anyway.

And then after... I
have great news.

Rose, excuse me.

We'll get back to your
fascinating hospital story later.

Ted and Lucy said that we could
have the baby again next month

when they go away for a weekend.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, I'm so excited.

Hello, everybody.

Blanche, what are you doing
here? Is something wrong?

I mean, we didn't
expect you back so soon.

No, the best possible
thing has happened.

I still have both my
kidneys, and my sister's fine.

Blanche, how is that possible?

They couldn't use my kidney.
My blood vessels were too small.

Of course they're too small.
I've always been very petite.

Blanche, Virginia.

Oh, well the most
wonderful thing happened.

They found a donor,
an excellent match.

She was a retired
Mormon schoolteacher.

Virginia's so lucky!

Oh, I'll say.

That kidney was showroom-new.

Why, the wildest thing that ever
passed through there was Ovaltine.

But the best part of it was

that hunk of a doctor
who examined me -

he's gonna be in
Florida in a few weeks.

Wherever she goes,
she finds a man!

So do hookers.

But the most wonderful
thing about all this

is Virginia and me.

All that time we wasted
hating each other

from when we were kids.

Now we're getting to know
each other, and I just love her.

I finally have a sister to love.

Isn't it funny?

Sometimes you have
to almost lose somebody

before you realize how
much they really mean to you.

Let's go out and celebrate life.

Let's go out and
do something crazy!

Let's fly to Freeport
and gamble all night.

Ma, we can't afford it.

Let's drive to Disney
World and ride the Teacups!

Oh, too wild, Rose.

Hey, I know a bar
over in Cocoa Beach

where you can pick up
over-the-hill astronauts.

Ow!

Or... there's some
Rocky Road in the freezer.

Hey, great! You're talking!