The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rose the Prude - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you
knew ♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Discard already! I'm 80.

I'd to live long enough
to see the next hand.



No need to, Ma. Gin.

Oh! You're taking advantage.

You know I'm whacked out
on blood pressure medicine.

Honey, if the medicine bothers
you, change the prescription.

I like being whacked out.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here!

My date's brother
just came into town

and unless I can find a date
for him so we can double,

well, the whole evening's
gonna be called off.

So what do you say?
Would you please, please

be a friend and go out with him?

Sure, I'm game.

Next time, Sophia.
Dorothy, what do you say?

Oh, honey, I'd
really love to go,



but as you can see, I'm busy.

Busy? You're playing cards!

We are not playing cards -
we are playing gin rummy.

And she stinks at it. We've
been doing it for 30 years -

she hasn't beaten me once.

Tonight's going to be different.

Tonight, the 30 years
of humiliation ends.

Ooh, I'm so scared, my
dentures are chattering.

Hi. Oh, Rose, honey,

are you up for a
night on the town

with two handsome,
eligible bachelors?

Oh, thanks for asking,
but I don't think so.

I'm not that interested
in dating anymore.

Now, you know
that's not true, honey,

or you'd let your
hair go natural.

You know what my
problem really is? I'm spoiled.

I had a long and wonderful
marriage with a perfect man.

Everyone seems so
ordinary after Charlie.

Honey, it's just for dinner,

and Charles would
want you to eat.

Oh, Rose, be a friend.
If you don't go, I can't go.

I know I'm gonna regret this

and I know I'm gonna have
a miserable time, but I'll go.

Aw, that's the spirit!
I'll go call the boys.

Rose, why do you
look so depressed?

I'm tired of going out
and not enjoying myself.

All the men I meet act so old.

Last week, I went
out with this man

that talked for two hours
about his prostate problems.

I lived in Minnesota
for 51 years -

I never even
heard of a prostate!

Honey, they don't have
them there. It's too cold.

Dorothy, you should
be going on this date.

At least you'd have some fun.

Nothing could be more fun than
beating my mother at cards tonight.

What's the name
of the game? Gin.

Gin.

Dorothy? What's the
matter? Something wrong?

The thrill of victory!

The agony of defeat!

I don't know why you play
cards with your mother.

It just makes you crazy.

You're absolutely
right, Blanche.

This has gone on far too long.

Mom, I am not playing
gin with you anymore!

You'll be back. You know
why? You're too competitive!

It's always been
your worst feature.

Actually, your ears
are your worst feature.

But competitive
is right up there.

Do you believe that? No.

I always thought your bony
feet were your worst feature.

Nighty-night. Wait!
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute. You haven't
told me about the double date.

It was a complete disaster.

Oh, you mean Rose and
her guy didn't hit it off?

Oh, no, they got
along just great.

It was my escort who
turned out to be the dud.

Next time, I'm gonna date both
brothers before I give one away.

Hi. Hi. I hear you had
a great time tonight.

It was the best!

I haven't laughed so much or
acted so silly since I was a teenager.

You know what we did? What?

We ran a tollbooth! Oh...

Arnie said he just did
it because it was there.

Oh, he is the most outrageous,
unpredictable man I've ever met.

Jeffrey's on a low-sodium diet.

I can't remember
when I had so much fun.

We went dancing
at the Beachcomber.

We're gonna go back
again tomorrow night.

Jeffrey doesn't dance.

He says it makes
his ankles swell.

Honey, I think it's terrific that
you had a good time tonight.

I have you two to
thank for it. Good night.

Good night. Night.

Blanche, come on
now! Be happy for her.

She finally met someone.

I mean, you go out with
lots of interesting guys!

Name one.

How about that coach
from the Miami Dolphins?

Oh, yeah. That
night was kind of fun.

The training room,
the whirlpool...

the adhesive tape...
Ooh, name another one.

Honey, take a cold
shower and go to bed.

Oh, Dorothy, would you please open
this jar of macadamia nuts for me?

You can't get it
open? Oh, I didn't try.

I don't want to
risk cracking a nail.

What are these, claws?

Well, I figured
you wouldn't mind,

seeing as how you work
with your hands all day.

I'm a teacher - I grade
papers. I don't shuck oysters.

Thank you.

I'm going next door
to Frieda Goodson's -

we're having a club meeting.

I didn't know you
were in a club.

Yeah, a bunch of us get
together and send our pictures in

to Willard Scott with a
note saying we're 100.

Ma, that's ridiculous!

You got a better way to
get on The Today Show?

Will you take it inside, Rose?
This isn't the French Quarter.

You'll think about next
week, Rose? I will, Arnie.

Talk to you soon.

Well, it looks like you and
Arnie are getting pretty serious.

Honey, are you
all right? I'll be fine.

Is this about Arnie?

No, Blanche, she's upset

because they keep
changing the taste of Coke.

Arnie wants me
to go away with him

on a cruise to the Bahamas.

Oh. Oh, and you're upset

because he wants you
to pay your own way?

I'm upset because
we'll be all alone.

In the middle of the
ocean. On a ship.

In a state room. With a bed.

Oh.

I don't know what to do.

I haven't... been with a man

in that special way
since Charlie died.

Get out of here.

It's true. Charlie was
the only lover I ever had.

And my first time was
on our wedding night.

Get out of here.

Oh, back off, Blanche!

Not all of us are classified
by the Navy as a friendly port.

Maybe it sounds strange,
but without Charlie,

I thought that part
of my life was over.

I never gave it a
second thought.

Until now?

Then I think you
should go on the cruise.

Honey, if the situation
is right, you'll know it.

But I'm not sure I'm ready.

Oh, honey, I know what
you're going through.

The bottom line is, if
you take a chance in life,

sometimes good things happen,
sometimes bad things happen.

But, honey, if you don't take
a chance, nothing happens.

I'm gonna take a chance.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, great, Rose!

Oh, I have to look in my closet.

I don't even know what to
wear the first night on the ship.

A life jacket and
a great big smile.

You startled me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Next time I'll... I'll knock.

I like your bathrobe.

Yeah. Kids gave it to
me for Father's Day.

I wish I had that knack.
Picking out unusual gifts.

Is it, um... is it terry cloth?

Yeah, I think it is.

Terry cloth wears a long
time. It's a nice fabric.

Yes, perfect for a robe.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess
it's time to turn in.

I guess.

Uh, you're not tired?

Not really. Me neither.

Do you feel like dancing?

Oh, I'd love to.

I can be dressed and back
in that ballroom in ten minutes!

No, no, Rose! We don't have
to go through all that trouble.

See, I bought this
for my grandson -

sounded so good,
I kept it for myself.

Oh, I love Glenn
Miller. Come on.

I met my husband at
a Glenn Miller dance.

It wasn't really the
Glenn Miller Orchestra.

It was Dick Singleton
and the Singletones.

Their motto was: if
you close your eyes,

you think it's Glenn Miller.

Believe me, no
matter what you did,

you knew it was Dick Singleton.

Rose, Rose,
you're one of a kind.

That's what my
husband used to say.

You know, in a lot of ways,
you remind me of Charlie.

The way you laugh.

The way you dance.
Even the way...

Rose, I'm not Charlie.

I'm Arnie Peterson from
Plainfield, New Jersey.

If you like me,
it's for who I am,

not for who I remind you of.

I do like you, Arnie Peterson.

I like you too, Rose Nyland.

Oh, you can't sleep either, huh?

No. Want some tea? Oh, please.

Watch what you're grabbing
- I got a specimen in there.

Gee, I wonder what
Rose is doing right now.

You mean, you wonder
if she's doing it right now.

No, I just wonder if
maybe we didn't push her

into something too fast.

What I can't understand
is how in the world

she managed to wait 15 years.

How long did you
wait after George died?

Till the paramedics came.

Ma!

As the reverend was
performing the funeral service,

I knew for sure
that he wanted me.

Oh...

I'd always known that there'd
been something between us.

Sometimes from the pulpit,
he'd be talking about sin

and he'd look straight at me.

We couldn't do anything
about it 'cause he was married.

But after his wife died,
there was no stopping him.

So? Well, we could
finally consummate

our long and burning passion.

And?

It took about ten minutes. He
wore his watch and his socks.

I never saw him again.

Your father didn't
even take off his pants!

Ma!

What about you, Dorothy?
Who was the first after Stan, hm?

Blanche. Her divorce lawyer.

How did you know? It's
always the divorce lawyer.

Oh, it was a
terrible time for me.

You know, I'd gone on an
eating binge when Stan left

and I put on quite
a bit of weight.

Plus, I was not a 20-year-old.

You know, when you're
20, no matter what you do,

everything stays
where it's supposed to.

Now, when you
lean over, it looks like

somebody's let the
air out of your face.

What?

Honey, lean over a mirror some
time and take a look at yourself.

Where's a mirror? There's
one in the tool drawer.

I think you'd better take a
sedative before you look.

Don't be silly. I look
at my face all the time.

How different could
it be leaning over?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Dorothy!

Why didn't you tell
me about this before?

Only on your back, Blanche.

That way everything slides back

and you look like
you just had a face-lift.

Oh, you're right. I'm gorgeous.

I'm gonna have to
meet men lying down.

I thought you did.

Of course that way, not
only does your face fall back,

but your chest does too.

Unfortunately, it falls
back and off to the side.

Rose, Rose, are
you still in there?

This is crazy!

Look, I talked to the purser.
Another cabin is available

and I'll move to it.

But I need to get in
the bathroom, Rose.

I hate to go anywhere
without my Actifed.

Good morning.

I can't let you see my eyes.
They look terrible from crying.

Rose, you couldn't
possibly look terrible to me.

I left my contact
lenses in the bathroom.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Yeah, it can be awkward.

I thought I could
do it, I really did.

And then I couldn't.

You see, it would
have been the first time

since my husband died.

I figured it was the first time.

It's been 15 years
since he died, huh?

Boy, he must have
been something.

This may sound
silly, but it's true.

I felt I would be
unfaithful to Charlie

if I slept with you.

Rose, it's not silly.

I felt that way
when my wife died.

You did? Absolutely.

'Course I didn't
let that stop me.

You mean you'd just
make love and feel lousy?

Well, I'd feel lousy about it.

But otherwise,
I'd feel terrific.

Look, that's the difference

between men and women, I guess.

We can do it no matter what.

Rose, I adored Molly, my wife.

We were married 34 years.

Never slept with another woman.

I looked, I enjoyed,

I patted a few bottoms,
but that was it, Rose.

No, Molly was my world.

Then one day...

a drunk in a Chevy...
took my world away.

For a year, I was a zombie.

I dressed, I worked, I slept.

For fun, I ate onion sandwiches.

Then one day, my daughter
sat me down, she said,

"Mom would hate
what you're doing.

"She would say, 'Arnie, who
are you saving yourself for?

'I'm dead.

And I'm not in heaven if I
have to worry about you.'"

That convinced me.

I wonder what Charlie
would say, if he knew.

Probably the same
thing Molly said.

Molly didn't actually
say that, Rose.

There's something else. Oh?

I might kill you.

What? What are
you talking about?

I've never told
anybody this in my life,

but my husband died while
he was making love to me.

And I'm afraid if we
make love, I'll kill you.

If you haven't made love in
15 years, that's a possibility.

Hey, Rose... Rose,
don't worry about it.

Listen, I had a check-up
a couple of weeks ago -

I got the heart
of a 12-year-old.

Rose, whatever you
want to do is fine with me.

I just... I just like
being with you.

Hey, I'd better pack my stuff.

Arnie? Yeah?

Sit down.

Hold me.

Buzz off.

I'll spot you 25 points.
Oh, Ma, enough already.

I'm not gonna play
cards with you anymore.

Why not? Why should I?

You're the only one who
gets any enjoyment out of it.

Aw, cards bore me to
tears. Then why do you play?

I like the talking. The what?

The talking. You and I
had some of our best talks

over a game of gin
rummy. I don't know why.

It just seemed
easier for both of us

to open up while we
were playing cards.

Your aunt Jean was the same way.

During a pinochle
game, she told me

that she swam nude in a
pool with Charles Boyer.

Aunt Jean? You
never told me that.

I would've gotten around to it
but we stopped playing cards.

Rose is back - her
taxi just pulled up.

Oh, I wonder if she had a
great time on that cruise.

She did if she fooled around.

I can't wait to find out.

Oh, come on now. It's
none of our business.

I bet she did. I bet
she got cold feet.

Now, listen, I want to know
just as much as you two.

But what happened between
her and Arnie is private.

If she wants to talk about
it, fine. But if she doesn't,

I don't want anybody asking
any embarrassing questions.

I'm back!

So, did you and Arnie
play find the cannoli?

Oh...

What? Nothing, nothing, Rose!

Just sit down here, honey,
and tell us all about your trip.

Oh, it was fabulous.
The food was delicious.

The weather was
absolutely gorgeous.

And the activities
on board ship,

well, the list goes on
forever - masquerade balls,

hootenannies, tours
of the engine room,

fashion shows, Jazzercise,

Las Vegas Night,
Monte Carlo Night,

Rio Night, Riviera Night...

Who cares, Rose!

Did you and Arnie
hit the sheets or not?

Dorothy!

Some women don't kiss and tell.

Oh, shoot, honey,
that's half the fun.

Most of the boys I dated in
college were just for the stories.

You must have more
stories than O. Henry.

I'm gonna unpack.
Now, this isn't fair.

You have to tell
us. No, you don't.

But if you go out that door and don't
come back in, we'll know you didn't.

And if you do come
back, that means you did.

Aah!

It was wonderful. Oh!

Oh, honey, this is terrific!

Oh, I'm so happy, and I
have you two to thank for it.

You two?

Don't you think Arnie should
get at least an honorable mention?

I want you to know, going
on this cruise changed my life.

Being with Arnie made me realize
that I can care for a man again

without feeling guilty about it.

Oh, it's a nice
feeling, you know,

that when one part
of your life is over,

another part can begin.
Now I'm really gonna unpack.

Oh, let me help you,
honey. I'll get the juicy details.

Ma, Persian Rummy?

500 points? Penny a point.

You deal. I meant to tell you,

I got a card from
Gloria Pelizado today.

Oh? How many stamps did she use?

Gloria Pelizado's been
dead for two years.

Who said Gloria Pelizado?
I said Flo Pelizado.

Why don't you pay
attention? Oh, how is Flo?

Oh, beautiful.

She and her second
husband Pete are in Rome.

You remember Pete,
the man you could've had?

I did have him. That's
why I didn't want him.

You and Pete? You
never told me that.

Later, later. First I want to hear
about Aunt Jean and Charles Boyer.

Oh, well, you know
your Aunt Jean.

She was always just two
steps away from the gutter.

Anyway, one summer
she decided to...