The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Way We Met - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh... Oh, Dorothy!

What do you mean,
sneaking up on me like that?



You scared me half to death!

I'm sorry, Rose. Next
time I walk into a dark room

in the middle of the night,

I'll send a mariachi
band ahead of me.

What are you doing up?

I thought I heard
a strange noise.

What kind of strange noise?

Like someone walking
slowly up creaking stairs.

We don't have stairs.

I know! How strange is that?

What are you doing?

Well, I thought I heard
a prowler outside.

Oh, my God, Dorothy! Why
didn't you call the police?

Oh, no, no.



It turned out it was
a neighbor's cat,

trying to mate with
our plastic flamingo.

What is it? I heard
screams! What's happening?

No, nothing.
Everything's fine, Blanche.

We never should
have watched Psycho.

For 25 years, I have
avoided that picture,

even when Stan
invited me to the Roxy

instead of over to his
mother's house for dinner.

And it turned out that
my instincts were right.

Norman Bates is scarier
than my mother-in-law.

And a much better dresser.

Oh, I never should
have watched it, either.

It always upsets me,
especially that shower scene.

Why, it's the reason I
prefer not to shower alone.

Sure, Blanche. And
Goldilocks and the Three Bears

is why you prefer
not to sleep alone.

Well, at least we're not
alone tonight. Oh, boy.

You know, there is nothing worse

than being wide awake
and scared and by yourself.

Oh, yes there is -

being wide awake and
scared and by yourself without

a double-fudge chocolate
cheesecake in the freezer.

Ah! I'll get the silverware.

I feel better already.

You know, I never used to do
anything like this with my old roommates.

You had roommates
before us? I never knew that.

Oh, yes. Two very
eccentric old ladies

who used to bathe together
and floss each other's teeth.

I kicked them out one
morning, and that very afternoon,

went down to the supermarket
to advertise for new ones.

That was when I first met Rose.

Are you OK? Oh, I'm fine.

Oh, I know exactly what
you're going through.

I can read it in
your face. You can?

Oh, sure. Your husband or
your boyfriend dumped you.

Oh, honey, don't
let it get you down.

It's just the nature
of the beast.

They'd do it in the
mud if they had to.

You just go sleep
with his best friend.

That'll even up the score.

Am I on Candid Camera?

You mean, you didn't get dumped?

Well, actually, I
did, by my landlord.

He threw me out of my apartment,

but I couldn't sleep
with his best friend.

He's over 80 years old

and thinks he's the
Archduke Ferdinand.

Why did he throw you out?

Well, the new owners of
the building don't allow cats,

and I'm not about to
part with Mr. Peepers.

Oh, I guess you two have
been through a lot together, huh?

Yes, I found him last week.

But I wouldn't feel right
having a home if he didn't.

We've become very attached.

You know, I think that shows
great strength of character.

I like you and I like cats.

I also happen to
have a room for rent,

and the name is
Blanche Devereaux.

Why would you name a
room Blanche Devereaux?

That's very good.

I like a roommate
with a sense of humor.

My last two roommates were two
old sticks in the mud from Minnesota.

Oh! Tell me a little
bit about yourself.

Well, my name is Rose Nylund

and I'm from Minnesota.

Stop it, girl.
You're killing me.

Oh, but I'm not a
stick in the mud.

Oh, listen, I can
let my hair down

and get crazy with the
best of them. Really?

Hey, I think we'd
get along great.

I got a feeling
you're a wild woman.

Oh, you bet I am.

I eat raw cookie dough.

And occasionally, I run
through the sprinklers

and don't wear a bathing cap.

And at Christmas, I've been known
to put away more than one eggnog.

What's the matter? I think
I'd better keep looking.

Oh, I'll stop eating
raw cookie dough.

No, honey, that's not
it. It's just the two of us

have nothing in common. We're
just two different kinds of people.

It wouldn't work
out, believe me.

Can I pet your cat, lady?
Why, sure, sweetheart.

What's his name? Mr. Peepers.

I had a cat just like him.
His name was Harpo.

But he died. I miss him.

Oh, well, you'll have to
get yourself another kitty.

Would your mommy let
you have another kitty?

Yeah, she said she would
get me one next week.

Well, if you'll promise

to give him a really,
really good home,

I'll let you have
Mr. Peepers. Great!

Would it be OK if
I call him Harpo?

Well, I don't think he'd mind.

Thanks a lot, lady.

There you go, sweetheart. Mom!

Say, Rose... Um...

Look, now, I'm not
making any promises,

but how would you like to take a
look at that Blanche Devereaux room?

Really? I'd love to.

Come on, let's go. By the
way, what's your name?

That last remark was the reason

I didn't let you move
in that same day.

But after I saw what
I had to choose from,

you seemed like
a gift from heaven.

You wouldn't believe some
of the people I interviewed.

Well, I think that about
completes our tour, Madame Zelda.

Anything else I can
tell you about the place?

Yes. Was a young
woman in a nurse's uniform

murdered in this
house with a handsaw?

Heavens, no!

Are you sure?

I'm getting a very
strong vibration.

I see a woman
in a white uniform,

writhing and screaming.

And there's a man
kneeling over her.

If it was last
Wednesday, that was me

and the gentleman
I'm currently dating...

but that was a
French maid's uniform.

Mrs. Devereaux, you must
leave this house at once.

It's possessed
by an evil spirit.

Actually, it's possessed
by Miami Federal.

And at seven percent, you
couldn't blast me out of here.

Yes? Are you Blanche Devereaux?

Yes, what can I do for you?
Well, I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

This is my mother,
Sophia Petrillo.

Remember we spoke on the
phone about sharing the house?

Yes. Come in, uh-huh.

Move in this house and
you'll die an agonizing death.

Thank you, Madame
Zelda. Goodbye.

Oh, ladies, I'm
sorry about that.

You get so many weirdos when
you run an ad in the newspapers.

Please sit down.

Well, are you ladies

considering taking both rooms?

Oh, no. Just me.

Mother lives at the Shady
Pines Retirement Home.

Oh, the Shady Pines. I
know the Shady Pines -

it's a lovely place.

It's a prison.

They lock us in our rooms and
force us to look like we're having fun.

Then they take pictures
for their brochure.

Ma, you know that's not true.

You'll have to excuse my mother

she recently had a stroke,

and her perception is a
little, you know, distorted.

Oh, I understand. No, you don't.

Why don't we start out
with a tour of the house

and later on we'll sit down and go
over that application you filled out.

Wonderful. Oh, your
house is just breathtaking.

I know.

You said it looked like
a dump from the outside.

This is the lanai.

It is wonderful in
the summertime.

Especially if you like to
sunbathe with your top off.

Oh, really, really?

And the neighbors can't see in.

Oh, sure they can.

The woman has "slut"
embroidered on her underwear.

Dear things, I'm afraid
I'm running a little late.

May I just ask you
a few questions?

Well, of course. Go right ahead.

What do you call an
inhabitant of Guam?

I don't know. A
Guamanian, I guess.

What does this have to
do with renting the room?

Oh, nothing. I just wanted
to finish my crossword puzzle.

Now, then, Dorothy,

would you say you
are a very neat person?

Oh, yes. Very, very neat.

Please. You're neat
and I wear a D-cup.

At that moment, I was
convinced I'd blown it.

I was sure I'd made
a bad first impression.

But then I met Rose,

and I realized I could
have shown up naked,

playing a ukulele and
still gotten the room.

Oh, it's been such a lovely day.

Mr. Sunshine really
gave us one of his

biggest and brightest smiles.

Oh, I feel like putting my
arms around Mother Nature

and giving her a big kiss.
Hi, you must be Dorothy.

And you must be Mrs. Rogers.

No, but we have a Mrs.
Rogers at the Grief Center.

Oh, and there's a Mrs.
Rogers lives across the street.

Then of course,
there's Dale Evans,

the most famous Mrs.
Rogers of them all.

I didn't catch your name.

I'm Rose Nylund,
your new roomie.

Blanche has told
me all about you.

Sorry your husband dumped you.

You can borrow my bubble
bath anytime you want.

That'll help ease
the lonely nights.

Thank you very much.

I see you two are
getting acquainted.

Yes, I'm just gonna
take my stuff to my room.

It's the second on the
left down the hall there?

Dorothy, the second
on the left is mine.

Blanche had promised it to me.

Blanche promised it to me,
too. Didn't you, Blanche?

Whoops.

Oh, great, great.

What are we supposed to do now?

Back in Minnesota, we'd
settle this kind of a dispute

with some
good-natured logrolling.

Sorry, Rose. My
log is in the shop.

What do we do now? Toss a coin?

OK. All right.

I'll take tails. OK.

Tails, you win.

I'll make it up to you,
Dorothy, I promise.

Listen, if there's ever a
night where you can't sleep,

I'll come to your room
and sing "Kumbaya."

Rose, I don't know what to say.

Yes, I do.

Don't ever do that.

Well, Rose, what do you say we
help Dorothy move her things, OK?

OK.

Gee, this is fun already,
being roomies with you two.

Oh! Oh, Blanche!

Blanche, I am so sorry.

Oh, I'll buy you another one.

Well, you can't. That
was one of a kind.

Oh, well, don't feel bad. I
never really liked it much anyway.

It's just that my
grandmother gave this to me...

on her deathbed.

She was very, very sick
for a very, very long time.

I loved her very, very much.

Blanche, why
don't you just grind

the broken pieces in her hand?

Blanche, I know
I can't replace it,

but I wanna make it up to you.

Listen, since this is our
first night as roommates,

I'd like to invite the
two of you to dinner

at my favorite restaurant.

Well, that's very sweet of you,
Rose. Well, thank you, Rose.

Then we'd better hurry, 'cause
the Strawberry Blizzard Special

at the Dairy Queen
only lasts till five.

Come on, I'll drive.

Oh, let's not drive.
Let's skip there.

Oh, my goodness,
It's 2:00 in the morning.

And I am still wide
awake. Me, too.

You know, before
I met you two girls,

I was never up this late.

Except, of course, during
the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

Of course.

I was never a
night person, either.

Until I blossomed
into young womanhood

and realized I was even
more devastating by moonlight.

Of course.

I will never forget the
night I made that discovery.

It was during the
spring cotillion.

I was wearing a long white
dress and my first push-up bra.

And Bobby Buck McAllister and
I were enjoying a glass of punch

out on the veranda, when a
beam of moonlight hit my cleavage.

Suddenly, the
band began to play.

It was at that moment I realized

my bosoms had the
power to make music.

Didn't Bette Midler win a
special Grammy for that?

Oh, girls. Isn't it
wonderful how we always

have such a good time together?

It's been that way
right from the start.

Please, Rose.

Don't you remember
the day after we moved in

when we went shopping together?

Walking by that
sausage case back there

really brought back
a lot of memories.

Sausage opens a floodgate
for many of us, Rose.

What's this, Blanche?
Smoked oysters.

Oh, come on. Now,
I know we said we'd

go in on everything
equally, but this is $4 a can.

Well, we have to have these.
They're absolutely essential.

Well, if you ever
have a date with a man

who's a little sluggish...

a tin of these and a
bottle of cold duck,

you'll be prying
him off the wall.

Those are very nice
cantaloupes. Why, thank you.

This one's ripe. And
how do you tell, Dorothy?

Well, you smell the tip of it.

It's an old Sicilian method
my mother taught me.

Oh, Dorothy, dear.

The best way to tell if a
melon is ripe is Southern.

You thump it.

Well, actually, roomies,
I have the best method -

the farm method.
It works every time.

And what might
that be, Rose, dear?

No. Mm-mm.

Better.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

We need a Globe and a
Tatler and a Midnight Star

and an Enquirer and I guess
maybe one serious newsmagazine

so we know what's going
on in the world - one People.

Excuse me, you made a mistake.

Those peaches aren't 59
cents a pound, they're 89 cents.

Honesty is the best policy.

What are you trying to do, Rose?

Qualify for some
kind of Scout badge?

Well, I can't help it if
I'm an honest person.

Obviously, something you
don't know anything about.

What are you talking about?

Well, you bought
pantyhose in petite.

Anybody can see you couldn't
get those past your knees.

If you don't keep
your voice down,

I'm gonna hit you in the
head with this loin of pork.

Oh, Blanche, come on! $15.99?

Now, this is just
too extravagant.

I'm not going in on this. I
don't even like loin of pork.

All right, then I'm not
going in on this nightstick.

This is a pepperoni.
It's obnoxious.

Excuse me. You made a mistake.

That Windex isn't
on sale this week

the regular price is $1.99.

Rose, why don't you just
save it for The Price is Right?

Excuse me for trying
to be a good American.

Will you two please
keep your voices down?

I have shopped and
dated extensively

throughout this market.

That does it, that does it!
I am shopping for myself.

Fine! Blanche and I will
do very nicely on our own.

Oh, no, I'm not shopping
with you, Mary Poppins.

Fine!

All right, who put the Raisin
Bran in the refrigerator?

I did.

Do you have a problem
with that? Yes, I do.

I have two problems with it.

First of all, there isn't
room for it in there

and second of all, it
doesn't go in the refrigerator

it goes in the cabinet.

It does not go in the cabinet.

It stays fresher
in the refrigerator.

No, it does not stay
fresher in the refrigerator.

If it stayed fresher
in the refrigerator,

there would be a sign
on it saying "refrigerate."

Actually, you're both wrong.

It does not belong
in a refrigerator.

It does not belong in a cabinet.

It belongs in a glass canister.

That way, it's not
only visually appealing,

but you can see if they
cheated you out of raisins.

I thought everybody knew that.

You know, until I met
you, Rose, I didn't know

that people actually talk
back to their Rice Krispies.

Ugh. All right, I have had it!

Thanks to all this
constant bickering,

I now have a splitting headache.

Oh, girls, let's face facts.

The three of us just
can't agree on anything.

I mean, it is obvious we
were not meant to live together.

I hate to agree with you,
but I think you're right.

I think so, too.
In fact, I know so.

This is exactly what happened
during the Great Herring War.

The Great Herring War?

Yes. Between the Lindstroms
and the Johanssons.

Oh, that Great Herring War!

The two families controlled
the most fertile herring waters

off the coast of Norway,
so naturally, it seemed like

it would be in their best
interest to band together.

Oh, boy, was that a mistake.

You see, they couldn't agree
on what to do with the herring.

Oh, well, that's understandable.

I mean, the possibilities
are overwhelming.

Exactly. The Johanssons
wanted to pickle the herring

and the Lindstroms wanted
to train them for the circus.

Weren't they kind
of hard to see,

riding on the elephants?

Oh, not that kind of
circus. A herring circus.

Sort of like SeaWorld,
only smaller.

Much, much smaller.

But bigger than a flea circus.

Tell me, Rose, um...

did they ever shoot a
herring out of a cannon?

Only once.

But they shot him into a tree.

After that, no other
herring would do it.

You're making this up!

I am not! My grandfather
told me that story.

Of course, he also used to
call me by my sister's name.

And sometimes, he'd
wear his underwear

on the outside of his pants.

I guess he wasn't a
very reliable source.

Ohh... Ahh!

Oh, girls...

Girls, do you realize
what just happened?

Well, I know I've been
having a very good time,

and there wasn't even
a man in the room.

Do you think it
was just a fluke,

or do you think we could
learn to like each other?

Well, I think it
might take time,

but I think it
could be worth it.

Let's give it a shot. Great!

I'm game. OK.

Wait a minute. What's that?

Oh, I'm sorry. I
know it's awful,

but I have this
incredible sweet tooth.

What is it? Cheesecake.

What kind? Chocolate.

Oh, I think this could
be the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

I guess some
things never change.

They sure don't. We've almost
finished the entire cheesecake.

Oh, what the hell. It
was a special occasion.

Yeah, and it sure took
my mind off of Psycho.

Listen, these can wait till
morning. Let's go to bed.

OK.

Ma, that is not funny!

Are you kidding? It's a riot!

I pulled it once on
old man Peterson,

after we saw Psycho at the home.

They had said he
would never walk again.

He walked.

Well, good night. Sweet dreams!

Well... I think I'll have
just one more cup of tea.

Yeah, and we can
finish the cheesecake.

Sounds good.

You know what would go
so good on this cheesecake

is those chocolate sprinkles.
We finished those an hour ago.

We could crush
some Oreos on top.

We ran out of
those two hours ago.

How about some whip cream? Mm!

I think we still have a can.
I'll get it - it's in my bedroom.