The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 2 - Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? - full transcript

When Dorothy's daughter Kate gets married, Dorothy must confront her ex-husband Stanley, who walked out on their 38 year marriage for a younger woman.

♪ Thank you for bein' a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
bein' a friend" ♪

Oh, great.

Great. Wonderful.
My daughter is lost.

Oh, I'm just terrible
at giving directions.

Dorothy, I gave Kate the
directions over the phone.

And who are you... Rand McNally?

You couldn't make a mistake?



Shall I set this down someplace?

No, Rose, go to the
corner and open a stand.

Dorothy... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm so anxious

about meeting this
guy that Kate's bringing.

Do you think it's serious?

Well, they've been
together now for six months.

It's the longest she's been interested
in any man since Paul McCartney.

Kate dated Paul McCartney?

Yes, Rose.

They wanted to get engaged, but I
insisted that she finish grade school.

Dorothy, do you know anything
about this boy's family background?

All I know is that
he's a doctor.

A doctor? Well, then, the
heck with his background.

Do you have any idea how
much a doctor makes these days?

No, I really don't care
what he does for a living.

I mean, the important thing

is that he and Kate
have a good relationship.

'Course, if they
happen to get married,

I will shout from every rooftop in
Miami, "My son-in-law's a doctor!"

Hi, Mom! Oh, baby!

Oh, it is so good to see you.

Oh, look, everybody.
Look who's here.

You look glorious.

Honey, where is he?
Where's your doctor?

Dennis is at a seminar.
I'll bring him by tomorrow.

I can't find my culottes.

Grandma, you look sensational.

Ohh! Squeeze you.

Relax. Relax!

You're already in the will.

Before anyone does anything, I
have a big announcement to make.

As my mother has
undoubtedly already told you

and the rest of Miami,

for the past six months, I've been
seeing a doctor named Dennis.

That's your big announcement?

You call your doctor
by his first name?

Ma, Ma, he's her boyfriend.

He just happens
to be a doctor, OK?

Fine. What's the point?

The day after tomorrow, Dennis
and I are flying to the Bahamas,

and we're getting married.

Oh, that's terrific! You what?

Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't...
I can't believe it.

Oh, I am so happy.

My daughter is
marrying a doctor...

in the Bahamas.

You are getting
married in the Bahamas?

This is fabulous.

I always wanted to
go to the Bahamas.

Now, where the
hell are my culottes?

Oh, Kate, Kate, honey,

I have always dreamed
of giving you a wedding,

ever since I had
your overbite fixed.

Mom, don't you think it would be a little
awkward with you and Dad not talking?

Oh, now, just a minute.

I'm not the one
who ran off to Maui

with someone half my
age and twice my bra size.

You see what I mean?

That's why we're getting
married in the Bahamas.

You are not getting
married on an island

by a priest wearing clam diggers
and a Harry Belafonte shirt.

You're gonna get
married right here in Miami.

Kate, I could put together a
lovely reception here at the house.

And I could take
care of the catering.

Well, I have always dreamed
of wearing a long white gown

and marching down the
aisle on my father's arm.

Who said anything
about inviting your father?

It wouldn't be much of a wedding

without both of
my parents there.

Even if we got live doves?

Mother... Oh, all right, honey.

Your wedding day should be
the most beautiful day of your life,

and if you want to
invite your father,

well, I'm willing
to keep the peace.

Promise? Promise.

Then it's settled.

Now call your father and
tell the dirt bag he can come.

Forget it, Mom.

I can just as easily
limbo down the aisle.

Relax, honey, relax.

I just want to get it all out of
my system before he gets here.

Now, go ahead. Call him.

I'll call him. You talk to him.

Oh, well, all right.

If I can get through an
entire wedding with him,

I should be able to handle
a simple phone conversation

with that yellow-bellied
sleazeball!

Hello. Stan? Dorothy.

Dorothy Zbornak.

The one who gave you
the best years of her thighs?

Yes, I'm fine. Fine.

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Yeah, well, you
know, after two years,

I figured you
weren't coming back.

No, I'll tell you, the
reason I'm calling you...

Kate is getting married.

Yes, married. Yes,
yes, in a few days,

and I'm giving her a little
wedding here in Miami,

and I... I wanted to invite you.

Can you come? You can? Grea...

Oh, Chrissy can't.

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, really?

No, I didn't know
that could happen

from a tanning machine.

Oh, she'll be thrilled
to see you, too.

She's standing
right here. Hold on.

Dorothy, you were magnificent.

Oh, you certainly
were. How did you do it?

Oh, I just kept telling
myself that once he was here,

he'd be close enough to kill.

I can't believe that
Stan has the nerve

to show his face
at this wedding.

The man has a right to
see his daughter get married.

I never should have called him.

You never should
have married him.

Hi, hi, hi! Oh, hi, Blanche.

Oh, are my little wedding elves

still busy packing
their tiny bundles?

Wedding elves?

It's that cheap
hair dye she uses.

It finally ate through.

No, we're... we're
doing fine, Blanche.

Oh, no, honey. Sophia,
you're using too much rice.

Fine. This elf quits.

I never understood why people
throw rice at weddings anyway.

Because tomatoes leave stains.

Um, could I talk
to you two ladies

in the living room, please?

I have some very
distressing news.

Sophia's been
pilfering cheese balls.

What?

This morning I made
48 cheese balls.

There are now 26.

24.

Hi, Mom. Mom, this...

Don't tell me. Don't
tell me. Don't tell me.

It's Dennis. Oh, my
God, he's beautiful.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, flowers. Oh, my.

You know, your father used to bring
me tulips every time we had a fight.

Toward the end,

our place looked like
Easter in Rotterdam.

It's good to see
that you're not bitter.

Everybody, I'd like you to
meet my future son-in-law.

This is Dennis, the
gorgeous doctor.

Dennis, I'd like you to
meet my best friends.

This is Rose. Hello, Rose.

And that's Blanche.
How do you do?

And that's Sophia.
That's Kate's grandma.

You got your stethoscope?
I wouldn't mind a freebie.

Grandma, Dennis doesn't
have a stethoscope.

Of course not. He's on vacation.

That's not what I mean.
Dennis is a podiatrist.

Oh.

Oh, a foot doctor.

Why don't we all sit down, hmm?

Not there. Not there.

Oh!

Well, a podiatrist.

Well, that's a very
fascinating profession.

Tell me, Dennis,

approximately how many
feet do you see in a week?

Well, between my partners
and me, we see quite a few.

Oh, it's a partnership.

Have you ever met Dr. Scholl?

Let's get to the point.

Dennis, what do you
take home a week? Ma!

It's all right. I understand.

Sophia, I am crazy about Kate,

and I promise you she
will never want for anything.

Ohh.

I told you he was special.
Do you think Dad will like him?

Of course. As long as
he stays young and firm.

Oh, Dennis, it's
going to be a pleasure

welcoming you
into our little family.

And I just hope
that you and Kate

have all the
happiness in the world.

Me too, and maybe one of
your children will be a real doctor.

Hi. It was rea...

Dorothy, it's Stan.
Didn't you recognize me?

Of course I recognized you. That's
why I slammed the door in your face.

Still the jokester,
huh, Dorothy?

And, uh, speaking
of jokes, Stan,

that is some toupee you've got.

Oh. Oh, Rose, I'd like you
to meet my ex-husband,

Stan Zbornak. Hello.

And this is his hair.

It's a pleasure
to meet you both.

Hello. Who invited Donny Osmond?

Ma, this is Stan.

Hello, Sophia.

It's the hair. It makes
me look different.

Makes you look stupid.

Oh, hello there.

Stan, I'd like you to
meet my friend Blanche.

Charmed.

Daddy. Ohh.

Ohh.

Hello, princess.

Oh, you look
absolutely beautiful.

I'm so glad you're here.
Thank you for coming.

Oh, no, don't thank
me. Thank your mother.

There aren't too
many women around

who could swallow their pride
after what went down between us.

You're awesome, babe.
Absolutely awesome.

Shh. Dorothy.

We better get to the church.

Don't you think so? Yeah.

Grandma, why don't you
come with me and Daddy?

Come on, Sophia, it'll be fun.

We can catch up with old times.

No, we can't. I had a stroke.

Luckily, my memories
of you were wiped out.

See ya.

Bye.

Dorothy, are you all right?

Oh, she's a trouper. She'll
be fine, won't you, Dorothy?

Not until I taste his blood.

Now, you don't mean that.

Listen, I want you to take a deep
breath and think pleasant thoughts.

Come on, now, 1, 2, 3.

I'm not going. Dorothy!

Your daughter's getting married.

I cannot be in the
same room with him.

I know I'll do something crazy
and just ruin the whole wedding.

Blanche and I will
be right beside you.

Nothing can
happen. I cannot do it.

All right, I've heard enough.

We are talking about your
daughter's wedding, Dorothy Zbornak.

Now, you get on your feet,
get out that door. March!

Oh, all right.

All right. I'm going.

But if anything awful happens,

it's on your heads.

Oh, she's really upset.

We better keep an eye on her.

Oh, you're right.

We better stick to her like a
tight shirt on a sweaty farm hand.

You know, the type with the
big biceps and the hairy chest

just glistening in the hot sun?

I'm sorry, what were
we talking about?

Dorothy.

Oh, Dorothy. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, honey, you
keep an eye on her.

And I'm not saying this
because she is my daughter,

but she was the
best Abraham Lincoln

the third grade ever saw.

No, when she freed
the second grade,

there was not a
dry eye in the house.

Somehow, I just can't picture
Kate as Abraham Lincoln.

Stan, do me a favor.

Take off your hair and
hold it up to Kate's chin.

Mother, you promised.

I know, I know.
Just ignore me, Stan.

It should be easy. You've
had plenty of practice.

Oh, princess, before I forget,

I want to invite you and Dennis

to come spend some
time with Chrissy and me

in our new house in Maui.

That sounds great.
Yeah, it's primo.

Oh, listen, I have
some pictures.

Take a look at that
stretch of beach, huh?

That's our house.

That is Chrissy on
a new Hobie Cat.

That's Chrissy in the hot tub.

That's me and Chrissy at a luau.

Is she the one with
the apple in her mouth?

Ma...

You know, she looks pretty good
for being in the ground for two hours.

Rose. Rose, what are you doing?

Watching the cheese balls.

You're supposed to
be watching Dorothy.

I was watching Dorothy,

but every time I watch her,
Sophia eats a cheese ball.

Honey, let her have the darn
cheese balls. Nobody else wants 'em.

Cheese ball, Father?

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

Now I know what
I'm giving up for Lent.

Stanley, would you be a dear
and get me some champagne?

It is always a
pleasure to get a drink

for an attractive woman.

I'll get one for
you, too, Dorothy.

Would you excuse us?

Have you ever met a man who
knows how to push all your buttons?

Just once.

He was a cabana
boy in Pensacola.

I am never going
to get through this.

I just hate him too much.

I know I'm gonna do something
crazy. Just simmer down here.

Sit down here. I want to
talk to you. Dorothy... listen.

I know this isn't
easy for you, so...

I'm gonna let you in on a sorority
secret that was passed on to me

at Miss MacGyver's
Finishing School.

Now, whenever you feel
you're about to lose control,

just take my hand and
give it a little squeeze.

I guarantee you'll
feel 100% better.

And that's the big secret?

Oh, no. The big secret was that
Miss MacGyver and Miss McKee

were sharing a one-bedroom
apartment off-campus.

Oh, will you... What?

Here you go, ladies.

Dorothy, would you like
some hors d'oeuvres?

No, thank you, Stan.

Blanche, would you
care for something?

Doesn't look like you're
fighting the battle of the bulge.

Ooh. Ow. No, thank you, Stan.

Well, then, I'd like
to make a toast.

Your attention,
please, everybody.

To my son-in-law
and my daughter.

May she be as happy with her
new life mate as I am with mine.

Hear, hear.

Blanche, don't you think
it's time we cut the cake?

Oh, yes, I do, Rose.

Who invited the priest?

You know I can't cut
loose with a priest around.

Sophia, he happens
to be a very nice man.

He gives me the creeps.

He's been following me.

They always follow
the old people.

It's like parking tickets.

They got a last rites quota.

Sophia, there you are. I've
been looking all over for you.

Buzz off, Padre.

Rose, where's Dorothy?

Well, I don't... She was
here a minute ago. Uh-oh.

Oh, my God!

Give me that knife.

What are you doing?

I can't let you go
through with this.

Do you want to spend
the rest of your life

rotting away in some
disgusting jail cell

bribing screws for
cigarettes and toilet paper?

Rose, in Miami
it is not a felony

to cut the wedding cake.

Cut the... wed...

Oh, I thought you
were gonna stab Stan.

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you honestly believe
that I would stab Stan

at my own daughter's wedding?

Oh, no, I guess not.
Well, of course not.

I would wait until
after the wedding.

There are too many witnesses.

No! No... Kidding.

Oh, don't do that to me.

What are you doing?

I just want to be by
myself for a while.

It's time to throw
rice at the kids.

I don't think I can
go back out there.

You're acting like a jerk.

Thanks, Ma. Thanks.

That really makes
me feel a lot better.

Don't get smart
with your mother.

Listen, Dorothy,
I love you dearly,

but you're not the first woman
to be dumped by her husband.

Oh, Ma, Ma, it's
not what he did.

I mean, I've learned
to live with that.

It's the way he did it.

The least he could have
done was tell me to my face.

If you're so angry
with him, tell him.

You don't have to kill him.

I know, but I want to.

Dorothy, anger is a lot like
a piece of shredded wheat

caught under your dentures.

If you leave it there,
you get a blister,

and you gotta eat
Jell-O all week.

If you get rid of
it, the sore heals,

and you feel better.

Anger is like a piece
of shredded wheat?

You want poetry, you
listen to Neil Diamond.

You want good advice,
you listen to your mother.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

You think I got this
old by being stupid?

You know...

you're the greatest
mother in the world.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, yeah, we do.

Dad, don't forget...

Sweetheart, you
have a good time.

Well, Mother, I
guess this is it.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Now, listen, you be a
good wife, you hear?

Be his friend, be his
lover, don't be his slave...

Mom, Mom, Mom, we'll
talk when I get back.

Thank you for everything.

I love you. Oh, I love you, too.

And I love you, too, Dennis.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Oh, Dennis.

Listen, don't take any
guff from her. Yeah.

But take good care of her.

'Cause if you don't, I'll
kill you. You know that.

OK, everybody,
out. Goodbye! Out!

Get out of here.

Bye! Bye-bye!

Goodbye!

Be happy! Be happy!

I really...

Dorothy, it was great.

Thanks for the hospitality.

Sophia, girls, take care.

Oh, Stan, just a minute.

I'd like to talk to you.

Oh, sure, OK.

Let's go where we
can have some privacy.

Have a seat.

Well... what can I do for you?

The first thing you can do is
get rid of that ridiculous toupee.

I want to speak to the
bald guy who left me.

Ow!

What's the matter with you?

You walked out on
me, Stanley Zbornak.

Now I know why.

You walked out on me,

and you didn't even have the
decency to tell me you were leaving.

I heard it from some
lawyer over the telephone.

A stranger, Stanley,
a total stranger,

told me that my
marriage was over.

Dorothy, look, things happened.

Things happened.

You're damn right
things happened.

38 years happened.

38 years of sharing
and crying and dreaming

and fighting and loving
and... and children

and diapers and...
and school plays

and Little League

and worrying if you'd get
through your gall-bladder surgery

and wondering if I'd get through

another Sunday dinner
at your mother's house.

And the lean years,
when the business failed.

And the good years.

And the happy Christmases.

All those things happened,
Stanley, and because they happened,

I deserved better than
a stinking phone call

from my husband's
legal representative.

You had a choice, Stanley,
and you took the easy way out,

and it was a rotten thing to do.

But now you're
here in front of me,

and you can't run away,

and I finally get to have

what you tried to
cheat me out of.

I finally get to say
goodbye, Stanley.

Look, Dorothy, we...

I said goodbye, Stanley.

Honey, we just
saw Stanley leaving.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I wouldn't be fine.

I don't know what
I would have done

if Charlie had
suddenly paid a visit.

He's dead. You
would have fainted.

Are you... Are
you really all right?

I'm feeling a little better.

And tomorrow you're
gonna feel a lot better.

And the next day
maybe better still.

And the next day...
That's right, Dorothy.

And then one day,

Stanley's gonna be out
of your life completely.

Not completely.

No, there'll always be a little
part of him that stays with me.

Of course, Dorothy.
After 38 years,

there are always bound to be
some memories that stay with you.

I wasn't talking about memories.

I was talking about this.