The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 19 - Second Motherhood - full transcript

A wealthy widower with two young children asks Blanche to marry him.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

carry the two.

Frankly, I wouldn't even
bother getting another estimate.

For that bathroom repair, that's
the lowest you're gonna see.

Are you kid...? This is
the highest I've seen. Look.


Hey, ladies, hire
whoever you like,

but I'm an expert.

I can take a toilet
apart blindfolded.

Now, there's a dying
art. What's your point?

The point is, a lot of
things can go wrong.

Wood rot, loose
plaster, cracked pipes.

Crooked plumbers.

Lady, what are
you trying to say?

Get out.

All right, all right.

I guess you ladies are going into
your feminist phase a little late in life.

But I'll go. You'll
call me back.

You know why? Because as
we say in the plumbing game...

The nerve of that man
trying to intimidate us!

I mean, he must
really think we're stupid.

Really stupid.

How could we possibly need
three dozen spud gaskets?

Wait. Spud gaskets?

That's what goes on
the end of a hose bib.

We couldn't need more
than a dozen at most.

Rose, how do you
know about this?

Oh, I know a lot about plumbing.

We always did our own
plumbing on the farm.

'Course, we didn't actually
get plumbing till I was 18.

Rose, tell me something.

How difficult would it be

for us to repair that
bathroom ourselves?

Well, it wouldn't
be difficult at all.

Oh, forget it, forget
it. It's a crazy idea.

You got that right.

You're not a mechanical
person, Dorothy. You never were.

For the first three months of your life,
you tried to breast-feed off my cameo.

Rose, come on. Do you
really think we could do it?

It might take a little time, but
we'd sure save a lot of money.

Then let's give it a shot.

Great, my unmarried daughter

wants to spend her weekend
with a toilet. Now I can die in peace.

Dorothy, could I please borrow
your long rhinestone chain?

Of course, Blanche.

Why not? What's
Dorothy gonna do with it,

snake out a toilet?

It's just so hard to dress
for these dates with Richard.

I never know where we'll end up.

Oh, come on now, Blanche.

Even the paperboy
knows where you'll end up.

You know what I mean.

With Richard, I have to
be prepared for anything.

Last week, he asked me out to lunch.
We ended up going horseback riding.

Personally, I've always been
afraid of dating a wealthy man.

Why, Rose? Fear of gold bullion?

No. It's just that
sometimes rich people

think more about money
than they do about people.

Richard's nothing like that,
and I don't think he ever could be.

He is simply the sweetest, kindest,
most handsome man I've ever met.

Only I do have a small
problem with his money.

Oh, why? You don't think you'll
live long enough to spend it all?

No. I don't want him to think

that's the only reason
I'm attracted to him.

That's why, whenever
we're out together,

I always pretend to be totally
unimpressed by his wealth.

Isn't that kind of difficult?

Oh, no, not at all. I don't
give a hoot how much he has.

Fact is, I think
I'm falling in love.

Oh, come on now, Blanche.

Are you telling me that you'd
feel the same way about him

if he didn't have a
dime to his name?

Absolutely. I'd just have to
see other men behind his back.

Oh, come on.

Oh, my good... no! Oh,
come back here. Oh.


I see you're right at
home in a private jet.

Oh, well, I always try to take
a private jet whenever I jet.

And here I thought I
was impressing you.

Oh, well, it's a perfectly
lovely jet, Richard,

but there was really no need

to fly all the way
to Atlanta for dinner.

I'm just an old-fashioned
girl. I would have

been very happy with
a quiet dinner at home.

You would?


I'll just tell the pilot to
turn the plane around.

No, wait! Oh, that
won't be necessary.

My goodness,
we're 10,000 feet up.

Besides, I know how you
have your heart set on it.

Blanche, you're adorable.

I know.

You know, I've
dated a lot of women,

and every single one of them
has been impressed by the caviar

and the expensive
restaurants and the jet.

Hell, even I'm
impressed by the jet.

No, I haven't been wealthy
all my life, you know?

Oh, really?


I started out in the
shipping department

of a large
manufacturing company.

And after lots of hard
work and long hours,

ten years later, I
owned the company.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Now I own a lot of companies

with branches
all over the world.

And the amazing thing is,

the work is just as exciting to
me now as it was the day I started.

How about some champagne?

This isn't meant to impress
you. This is just to get you tipsy.

Oh, Richard, you rascal.

You know, I've made a lot of
money and I've seen a lot of the world,

but there's still one thing
in my life that's missing.


Someone to share it with.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Did that champagne kick in yet?

No, but if you're ready
to make your move,

I can pretend it did.

Aah! Oh, Dorothy, you scared
me. What are you doing up so late?

Honey, do you know what's behind
that wall that you're banging on?

A lateral fusion pipe.

And do you know what's on the
other side of that lateral fusion pipe?


My head!

Oh, I...

I'm sorry.

It's just that I was so excited.

I think I might have
stumbled on something

that could change the face
of plumbing as we know it.

Oh, great, Rose. Call
the Ti-D-Bowl Man.

He'll jump in his boat
and spread the news.

Oh, girls, I'm so
glad you're still up.

Wait till I tell you
about my date.

Wait till I tell you about
my discovery. Let's hear it.

It came to me when I was
enjoying my second cup of Ovaltine.

Richard flew me to Atlanta
for dinner in his private jet.

You're kidding.

That's when it hit me. We
don't need our sludge tube.


And then, for dessert, he took
me to this most romantic little bistro.

And while the waiter
was glazing my peaches,

Richard leaned over and took
my hand. You know what he said?


Our biggest worry
will be tank sweat.


He said that tomorrow, he
wants to introduce me to his family.

If that is not the last step before a
marriage proposal, I don't know what is.

Oh, that is wonderful.

I'm so excited. Just
imagine being Richard's wife.

I would be married to a
gorgeous, intelligent man.

I'd be living like a queen.

Think about it in your
room, Your Highness.

I need to use the throne.

You're a wonderful
plumber's assistant, Dorothy.

Boy, you sure know
your way around a snake.

I've had a lot of experience.

After all, I was married
to one for 38 years.

Oh, we're right on schedule.

We ought to have that
toilet tank in by sundown.

By sundown, by sundown.
Oh, this is such fun.

I know.

This is so exciting.

This is so depressing.

Oh, it's Saturday night, and
I'm all nervous and jumpy

because, in a few hours, there will
be a handsome new toilet at my door.

What's going on here?

I walk into the bathroom,
and instead of a toilet,

there's a hole in the ground.

For a minute, I thought
I was back in Sicily.

Sophia, I'm sure
Blanche wouldn't mind

if you used her bathroom.

I hate that bathroom.

There's plants everywhere

and flowers on the
toilet-seat cover.

I feel like I'm
going in the woods.

Gee, I hope that's
our new toilet.

Now, that's a sentence
you don't hear every day.


Could I see some identification?

Ha-ha-ha. Come on in.

So you two are the proud parents

of the new Dolan
Standard Lowboy?

Yes. We're sending out
engraved announcements.

Well, you probably want to get
her operational as soon as possible.

After all, she's
quite a showpiece.

Where do I install her?

Well, actually, Lou, we're going
to install her ourselves. Follow me.

Hold it. You're not serious.

Why not?

Ladies, the
installation of a toilet's

a very delicate procedure.

You got to go to school,

you got to be a
trained technician.

You got to be a
man, for God's sakes!

You know, to tell
you the truth, Lou,

women are capable of more
than just cleaning these things.

Is that so? Well, as long as
you ladies are playing plumber,

why don't you play
moving man, too?

Fine, fine, we will!

Was that a plumber?

No, Ma, no. It was a little
girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

You let a plumber get away?

We don't need him!

Like hell! I'm going after him.

Come on, Dorothy, let's
move this little beauty.


Ooh. Wait, wait.

No, honey, she won't budge.

Oh, Rose, I don't think we're
gonna be able to move it.

Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the
pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.

Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews,
and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Oh, come on.

Give me a minute,
I'll think of something.

I'd love you to
meet my roommates.

Unfortunately, they're
not home right now.

I'll talk to you
later, darlin'. Bye.


Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.

Oh, forget it.

Girls, I have something
very important to tell you.

What is it?


He proposed!

Oh, Blanche, that is the
biggest diamond I've ever seen!

I know.

Oh, I think this is wonderful.

It was wonderful.

It was beautiful,
it was romantic.

It was just everything
I dreamed it could be.

Oh, Blanche, we're
so happy for you!

Well, don't be. 'Cause
I can't marry him.

Why can't you marry him?

You remember I told you Richard
wanted to introduce me to his family?

I thought it would be his little old
gray-haired mama and his spinster aunt.

Turns out, he has two kids.

Well, Blanche,
we've all got kids.

But these are seven and
nine. They're practically babies.

Babies need a mama. Goodness,
I've already raised my family.

I don't have the energy
to go through that again.

Blanche, how could
you accept his proposal?

Because it was the moment
I'd been dreaming about

and everything
was just so perfect,

and before I
knew it, I said yes.

Only now, I have to tell him no.

But how can I say
no to the man I love?

I can't even say
no to the men I like.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Blanche, honey, calm down.

Let's talk it out.
You'll feel better.

Oh, there's nothing
to talk about!

I already know what
both of you are gonna say.

Dorothy will say he's too good to
give up over this and she'd marry him.

You'll say he's been nothing but
trouble, and you wouldn't marry him.

I'd marry him.

Well, I wouldn't.


Well, no. I don't want to
be a mother again, either.

Oh, I'd love to be
a mother again.

Scrubbing socks,
picking up toys?

Tucking in beds,
packing healthy lunches.

Phone calls, pajama parties?

Dance recitals, baseball games.

Cooking? Singing.

Worrying? Praying.

Girls! I thought we came in
here to discuss my problem.

Sorry, Blanche.

I just hate myself
for feeling this way,

but I don't want to
be a mother again.

I mean, it was a wonderful
experience at the time,

but I always thought this part of
my life was supposed to be for me.

Honey, I understand exactly
how you feel. I feel the same way.

You know, at our age, we should
be grandmothers, not mothers.

Once a week, the grandchildren
come over for a visit.

You cook them dinner,
they spill it on the furniture.

They hide under your bed.

You hurt yourself
looking for them.

They ask you what those
spots on your hands are.

They tell you they love you,

and then, just before
total exhaustion sets in,

they go home and become
their mother's problems.

What about the good
things, like Mother's Day?

Oh, the Mother's Days we
used to have on the farm.

First of all, the kids
would wake me up

by brushing our cat,
Mr. McTavish, against my ear.

Then they'd give
me breakfast in bed...

Belgian waffles and buttermilk.

And then they'd paint
faces on their socks

and do a little puppet
show called Elf Kingdom.

Oh. And then everybody
would tickle each other

until the whole family
was throwing up together.

Oh, dear, I'm just so confused.

Aw, honey, listen,
you need more time.

I mean, right now, you're too
upset to make the right decision.

Maybe you could spend a few
days with Richard and his children.

See how it goes.

Oh, I don't know. What if they
hate me? What if I hate them?

Honey, what if you all
end up liking each other?

Yeah, I guess I could
at least give it a chance.

OK, then, that's
what I'm going to do.

Dorothy, I got to talk to
you. I owe you a big apology.

For what, Ma?

For what I said before. You know, about
you not knowing a thing about plumbing.

Dorothy, you're a genius!

Ma, wait a minute. What
are you talking about?

I walk into the living room,

and there's a toilet in
front of the television set.

It's an old lady's
dream come true!

"Grasp the valve
tightly with your hand.


"Turn it clockwise

until scum gathers
on your elbow joint."

Oh, I'm sorry. I
skipped page 62.

Listen, Rose... Rose,
this is not working!

We've been here a whole
week, and nothing has gone right!

I'm ready to throw in the wrench

and start using the Texaco
station down the street!

Dorothy, don't panic.
You just need a break.

Why don't we wash our hands
and have a nice cup of tea?

Rose, turn it off!

I can't make it stop!

Very nice job, ladies.

Who let you in here?

I did. Lucky I had his card.

Looks like we've taken
a few wrong turns here.

For your information, this is
exactly the way we wanted it to look.

Oh, yeah? You got
Siamese twins living here?

Look, Lou, we really
don't need your help.

Ladies, with all due respect,

I think it's time you
threw in the dishtowel.

I mean, trying to fix
it yourself was cute,

but I think you proved your point,
and it's time to let a man take over.

I'm with Lou!

Oh? Get your
coat! Lou is leaving.

Hey, not so hard! I
work with my hands!

You're making a big mistake!

The man may be a moron,
but he knows how to fix a toilet!

It's fine with me. The
longer I let you do it yourself,

the more I'm gonna get
paid when you finally call.

Yeah, well, I have news for
you, Lou. We are not calling. Ever!

You ladies haven't seen the last
of me. And you wanna know why?

Because as we say in the
plumbing game, it's nev...

Hi, girls.

When did you get back?

Oh, a few minutes ago.
What a day! I'm exhausted.

Oh, where did you go? Bermuda!

Only Richard had a last-minute appointment,
so it was just me and the kids.

Oh, we had a
terrific time, though...

swimming and playing and
talking. They're lovely children.

Does this mean you're
gonna marry Richard?

I don't know.

Honey, I don't understand. If you and the
kids hit it off, then what's the problem?

Well, I hardly ever see Richard.

Today was the
third time this week

he's had a last-minute meeting,

and I had to spend
the day with the kids.

He's a busy man.

Too busy. Even Little Richard
came up to me and said,

"Now don't worry. This
happens all the time."

Little Richard was in Bermuda?

Yes, Rose. He was burying Fats
Domino in the sand. Go ahead, Blanche.

Richard's always talking about
how much his children mean to him.

And I know they
do, but, you know,

he hardly has time
for 'em. Or for me.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe the
main reason he wants me for his wife

is because he needs a
mother for his children.

Well, honey, if you think
that's true, you'd better find out.

I intend to. I'm gonna ask him
straight out at dinner tonight.

I just hope he has the
answer I want to hear.

No. No, no.

Don't worry. I'll be there
tomorrow. We'll handle the situation.

Tell Gresham we can
get together next week.

No, he'll have to come
here. I can't go to the coast.

No, we're gonna have to try to keep
that whole week clear for my honeymoon.

Sometime around the 17th.

Well, if you can close it, all right,
do so. Call me. I'm on the plane.

Sorry, dear.

To Blanche Deveraux, the most
wonderful woman in the world.

Now, Richard, you stop that.

No, I mean it. And
my kids agree with me.

They're really crazy about you.

Richard, there's
something I have to ask you.

I have something
to ask you, too.

OK, you first.

Where would you like
to go on our honeymoon?

I thought I'd surprise
you and take you to Paris,

but then I started thinking.
Maybe you don't like Paris.

Maybe you'd rather cruise to
the islands or visit the Orient.


Oh, I just love the way
that ring looks on you.

So do I.

Richard... Hmm?

You know I am very, very fond of
you, but I think we have a problem.

A problem? Let's look at it.

Well, when you
first proposed to me,

the thing that scared me the most
was the idea of being a mother again,

especially to such
small children.

I wasn't sure I could do it. In fact, I
wasn't sure I even wanted to do it.

But then I got to know the kids,
and I realized they aren't the issue.

The real problem is...

I'm third in your life.

Richard, you know
your work comes first,

then the children, then me,

and that kind of
marriage just can't work.

At least, it can't for me.

Blanche, I can be there
for all of you. I can do it.

I've been able to do about anything I
set my mind to. I know I can do this, too.

Richard, nobody can do it all.

Now, as well as I get along
with those kids, they need you.

They're growing up without
you, Richard, and it's hurting 'em.

Right now, the most important
thing should be the children,

not... not getting married

and not Gresham on the coast

and not trying to squeeze
in a week for a honeymoon.

Oh, this is the hardest thing

I've ever tried to
say to anybody.

You can't marry me.

Not now, not yet.

Listen, why don't
you call up the kids

and tell 'em they're spending
tonight with their daddy?

And then, after awhile,

if you still want to be a husband,
why, you just... you let me know.


Dorothy, do you
want to do the honors?

Maybe later. In private.

I mean fasten the floor flange.
That's all we have left to do.

No, honey, you go ahead.

Later, I'll break a bottle of
champagne over the flush valve.

Oh, girls, it is beautiful!
I'm so proud of you!

Thanks, Blanche.
Hey, are you going out?


Ah, I'm glad. You know, we've
been so worried about you.

Well, I guess you can cry just
so long and eat just so much.

Then you have to pull yourself
together and get on with your life.

Besides, there'll
be other Richards.

'Course, they won't be as
charming or as handsome or as rich.

I'd better stop. I'm starting
to depress myself again.

Sophia, look.

Isn't it wonderful?
What do you think?

Looks like a bathroom.

A bathroom that works!

And you were so sure that
we couldn't do it ourselves.

Watch. Girls, come on. 1, 2, 3!

Knock it off. It's
water, not oil.