The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Operation - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

I'm OK. I am OK.

OK. Just don't step too hard.



Just sit down on the sofa.

Oh, my God! What
is it? What happened?

Nothing, nothing, Ma.
Don't worry. I'm just fine.

Yeah, it's nothing serious.
Probably just a pulled muscle.

It happened in class

when she tried to do a six-count
Cincinnati riff with a double pullback.

Goes something like this.

Margaret Weinstein
did the same thing

when they changed
her medication.

Do you think she could take
Dorothy's place in the recital?

Oh, come on, honey.
I'll be fine by next week.

Maybe you should have
it checked by a doctor.

Oh, come on. It's a very simple
thing that comes and goes.

I've had it for years. I probably
overdid it in class tonight.



I do think you ought
to have it checked out.

It's perfectly all right. Ma,
what is that you're knitting?

A bottle cover for the sherry.

Why do we need
to cover the sherry?

Not the sherry
here in the house.

The sherry I take to the park.

You drink out of a
paper bag in the park,

and suddenly
everybody's your friend.

Oh, Sophia, I don't think it's a
good idea to drink in the park.

Hey, I do it once a month

with the girls from
the Cloud Society.

The Cloud Society?

Yeah, we stake out a bench,
knock a few sherries back

and discuss what we
think the clouds look like.

One afternoon,

I thought I saw Pat Sajak
riding sidesaddle on a dolphin.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

Oh, yeah, good idea. There's
that salad in the fridge. Sophia?

No. I have to finish
this. Knit one, purl two.

5, 6, 7, 8.

Knock it off, Rose.

It's just that I've always dreamed
about learning to tap dance,

and I guess I get too
gung ho about things.

When I was a child, I used to get
overexcited and pet the cat too hard.

Ooh, oh!

Oh, what is it?

Nothing, nothing, nothing!
I'm all right. I'm fine.

No, you are not, and I'm
tired of watching you suffer.

That's what Daddy said
to our horse, Old Toby,

when he broke his leg.

Then he shot him.

Your family was awfully tough
on pets, weren't they, Rose?

Dorothy, this could be
more serious than you think.

Now, why don't you have
a doctor look at that foot?

I already have. When?

1965.

You don't want
to miss the recital.

I... it is fine.

Oh, really? Let's see you
do a Cincinnati time step.

Fine. And... ooh!

Oh, honey.

Oh, all right,
all right, I'll go...

for the sake of the act.

If you really wanna do
something for the sake of the act,

have one of those two left feet
made into a right one. Ha-ha.

Rose.

Blanche.

Dorothy.

Go, Dorothy, go.

Gosh, I didn't realize
how long Dorothy's solo is.

I sure hope the doctor
says she's gonna be all right.

Hoo.

I won't dance. Don't ask me.

Oh, my God.

Dorothy, are you all right?

Honey, it's not
as bad as it looks.

The doctor says I'm fine.

Just have to take it a little
easy for a few days, that's all.

You're lying.

Oh, Sophia,
Dorothy wouldn't lie.

A mother knows when her
child is lying. It's like bat radar.

Now, what did the
doctor really say?

He said I have to have surgery.

Surgery? For what?

For kicks, Rose.

No, I have a condition
called Morton's Neuroma.

Oh, I think I had that once.

How the heck did you
ever catch it in your foot?

It's a very small tumor, Ma.
I've had it for about 20 years.

A tumor? It sounds serious.

No, no, no. It's a very
simple surgical procedure.

As a matter of fact, I'd only
be in the hospital overnight.

That's it? That's it.

Oh, what a relief.

So when you going
to have the surgery?

Never.

Honey, you just
now said yourself

it's a very simple procedure.

Oh, it is. For the doctor. But it happens
to be my foot that he wants to cut open.

So you intend to
limp around in pain

when you could be completely
cured in just one night?

Dorothy, that
doesn't make sense.

It makes sense to me. I don't
like doctors. I don't like hospitals.

Nobody likes hospitals,

but there's nothing
to be scared of.

Oh, really, Rose?

What about blood?
What about death?

What about those nighties
that don't close up in the back?

Well, anybody can
make it sound unpleasant.

Dorothy, you are
being irrational.

Now the bottom line is we're
talking about your health.

That is a very precious thing.

The longer you
put this surgery off,

the more you may
be risking your health.

I just don't think that's a
risk worth taking, do you?

Yes.

Fine. Don't have the
surgery. Let me suffer.

Ma, it's my foot.

Your foot? My heart.

Do you have any idea
how much a mother suffers

when she sees her child in pain?

Look, Ma, don't do this.

I'll tell you how much.

Worse than the 23
hours of labor it took...

to bring you into this world.

Worse than the burns I got
working nights as a fry cook

to help put you through college.

Worse than the time...

All right, all right, Ma.

I'll have the surgery.

You win. You always
win, but you don't play fair.

That's why I always win.

I don't know what you have
been complaining about, Dorothy.

I think this is a very good
hospital and a perfectly lovely room.

Isn't it a lovely room, Rose?

Very lovely.

I just keep wondering

how many people
have never left this room.

Where are they, Rose,
hiding in the shower?

She means a lot of people
have probably croaked in here.

I know what she means, Ma. I just don't
need to hear it the night before surgery.

Come on, don't be such a baby.

I had my appendix out
in a hospital in Sicily.

That was rough.

Why?

They didn't believe in
anesthesia back then.

They had a nurse hold
a pillow over your face

so the other patients
couldn't hear your screams.

You had to pay extra for that.

Sicily, love it or leave it.

Visiting hours are over, ladies.
Everybody will have to leave.

Whoa, where do you
think you're going?

You said everybody.

Get back in bed.

Take care, darling. Bye-bye.

Good night, pussycat.

We'll see you first thing
in the morning, honey.

I hope I can say the same thing.

Hello, Mrs. Zbornak.
My name is Dr. Ravel.

Oh, hello.

I'm here to tell you Dr. Ashton won't be
able to perform your surgery tomorrow.

He's been subpoenaed
in a malpractice suit.

You are kidding?

I'm afraid not. He's a
damn fine doctor, too.

I wish I were half
the doctor he is.

By the way, I'll be performing
your surgery tomorrow.

Look, couldn't this surgery
wait until he gets back?

If he gets a hostile jury, you may
have to wait three to five years.

You'd be surprised how peeved people
get nowadays over any little mix-up.

Mix-up?

I didn't say mix-up...

and there's no one
here to prove that I did.

Now, if you'll sign these
forms, we'll be all set.

Forms?

Oh, they're just your
standard consent forms

releasing us from all liability in
the unlikely event of your death.

I'm having a simple operation.
How could I possibly die?

Oh, it's possible, believe me.

Just ask Dr. Ashton.

Listen, you know, I really don't
think this operation is a good idea.

Mrs. Zbornak, relax. You
have nothing to worry about.

It's a simple
surgical procedure.

I'm sure everything
will be fine.

Here. I'll leave these forms
so you can look them over,

and I'll see you in the morning
when I get back from court.

Wait a minute. I wanna
hear more about this mix-up.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Night.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm giving you the
last rites, Mr. Ferguson.

I'm not Mr. Ferguson.

Then what are you
doing in bed with him?

The man's dying, for God's sake.

Wait a minute. There is no
Mr. Ferguson in this room.

Isn't this room 203?

303.

Hah-ha. Oh, boy, what a day.

Since I'm here, do
you need the last rites?

No, thank you.

Have you had your operation yet?

No, tomorrow morning.

Well, good luck. I'm sure
everything will be fine.

But just to be on the safe side,

I'll swing by here
tomorrow afternoon.

Dorothy?

Yes, Blanche?

What are you doing out there?

Checking the sprinkler system.

Looks good. Good night.

You get yourself
in here. Get in here.

Where in the world
did you come from?

The coffee shop
at the bus station.

I went there from the hospital

to, you know, think things out.

But this toothless old wino
who claimed he was Elvis

kept hounding me for bus fare
to Graceland. So I came home.

Blanche, call the police.

I just saw a big, ugly man with a
limp walk past my bedroom window.

He was wearing Dorothy's coat.

But then again, it was dark, and I tend to
overdramatize. What are you doing home?

She snuck out of the hospital.

She's too scared to
have her operation.

Dorothy. Look,
I couldn't help it.

When the doctor came
in with the release form,

he told me what could possibly
go wrong. I just panicked.

Darling, nothing is
going to go wrong.

Blanche is right.

'Course, one summer,
when I was a candy striper,

you wouldn't believe
the things I saw.

Lost patients, mixed-up
medications, botched operations...

Rose, do a big, ugly man
with a limp a favor and shut up.

Dorothy, nobody likes
being in the hospital,

but it's natural to be afraid.

She's right, darlin'.
Everybody has fears.

Now, all of my life, I had
an incredible fear of flying.

And I missed out on a lot of
things because of that fear.

Then, one day...
No, don't tell me.

You met a handsome pilot.
He invited you into the cockpit.

Of course, you said yes, as
you usually do in these stories,

the two of you made
passionate love,

and now you cannot get
enough of the friendly skies.

No, that's not what
happened at all.

Then how did you
get over your fear?

I never did,

but thanks to Dorothy,
I now have new hope.

You see, Dorothy? Blanche
is willing to face her fear.

I think it's time
you faced yours.

Look, Rose, forget it. I am
not going to have that surgery,

and no one is going to
make me change my mind.

I thought I heard you in here.
What are you doing home?

I'm all better, Ma.

Oh, she is not. She's
afraid to have the surgery

because she has a
phobia about hospitals.

And do you know
why I have that phobia?

Because when I
was five years old,

I was left alone in the hospital

on the day I was having
my tonsils taken out.

I was in Cleveland at
your Uncle Mario's funeral.

Yeah, but Pop wasn't.

Of course not. He
hated your Uncle Mario.

Everyone hated your Uncle Mario.

That's how he died...

23 stab wounds during a block
party, and nobody saw a thing.

Pop left a scared, sick
five-year-old all alone at the hospital.

Said he had to go to work.

He did have to go to work.

How else could we have
paid for the operation?

All I know is, I was
alone and terrified,

and I have never gotten over it.

I still have that
phobia about hospitals.

It's about time you got over it.

Blanche, get the keys to your car.
We're taking Dorothy back to the hospital.

Ma, I am not going.

Fine. You don't want to
go back to the hospital? No.

You don't want the
doctor to operate? No.

Then it's settled.
We'll do it here.

Blanche, go boil some
water and get me a pillow.

Rose, sharpen my Ginsu knife.

Dorothy, pick out a
shoe you'd like to bite on.

You're not serious?

No, I'm just acting
as stupid as you are.

All right.

All right, I'll go back.

Oh, you always win, don't you?

Yep. You're
awfully good at this.

I'm the best.

OK, here we are.

How come I get the chair
with the wobbly wheels?

Oh, looks like you
have a new roommate.

Hi. I'm Bonnie.

Dorothy. Glad to meet you.
Now, are my tests finished?

I am tired of being
probed, poked and prodded.

More men have seen
my behind in one day

than in my entire life.

They'll be in to prep you
for surgery in about an hour.

Until then, just relax.

There aren't enough
drugs in the entire building.

I hope my exercising
doesn't bother you.

No, not at all. What is it,
some therapy you have to do?

No. I just like to stay healthy.

I hate to break this
to you, Bonnie. You're

in a hospital. The
exercises aren't working.

Surgery today, huh?

Yeah. And I might as well warn you, I
am not the best patient in the whole world.

I can put up with
you for one night.

Then tomorrow, it is my
turn in the operating room.

Oh, you're having surgery, too?

Yeah. And you're smiling?

I've had this procedure before.

The first time, I was
as nervous as you are.

This time, I know
what to expect.

You're having the
same operation again?

Don't they get it right
around here the first time?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

About three years ago,
I had a mastectomy.

And, well, now
I'm in for another.

And you're not scared?

I'm petrified.

No one's that brave, except
in the movies and on television.

But at least this time,
I know what I'm facing.

I've gone through
all the steps before.

I have considered the
alternatives, dealt with the reality.

The last time, I... I think I started
crying the moment the doctor told me,

and I didn't stop until they
wheeled me off to surgery.

And then, later, I cried
because there was so much pain,

I didn't think it would
ever go away, but it did,

and it will again.

You get through it. You go on.

When it comes right down to it,
what other choice do we have?

It could have been a lot worse.

I could have missed
these last three years.

Dorothy, are you all
right? How do you feel?

Like a fool.

Like a damn fool.

OK, Blanche, let's
go. I found your shoes.

They were under
Sophia's mattress.

Oh, I didn't think you'd
find them that fast.

What's going on, Blanche?

My foot hurts. I think I
caught what Dorothy's got.

You can't catch
what Dorothy has.

Well, then it must just
be sympathy pains. Ooh.

Blanche, we're gonna be
late. Now come on, let's go.

No, I don't think we ought to
dance tonight, Rose. It's just not right.

Now, we ought to be down
at that hospital with Dorothy.

Sophia's with her. She's
out of surgery, and she's fine.

Now, come on, let's go.

Rose, I have a
confession to make.

Flying isn't the only
thing I'm afraid of.

I also have a
fear of performing.

In front of groups, that is.

I thought you went
to dancing school.

Oh, that was different. That was
partner dancing, up close and personal.

Rose, what I
didn't tell you was,

when I was five, Mama enrolled
me in a tap-dancing class.

For six months, we practiced,

one hour a day, two days a week.

And I was good. I was cute,
and I was good, real good.

And then, finally, it came
time for the night of the recital.

And there were 13
little girls up there

with our little
Shirley Temple curls

and our little
starched-white pinafores

and our little Mary Jane shoes.

Then they opened the curtain,

and the music started,

and 12 little girls
started to dance.

And one little
girl wet her pants.

That girl in the puddle was me.

Oh, God,

I have never told that to
another living soul, Rose.

You see, I thought I had
overcome my fear, honey,

but I just haven't, and... and
performing is a nightmare for me.

Hey, we've all
got our sad stories.

What?

Look, Blanche, we've
practiced for six weeks.

We've paid for our costumes,
we told everybody we'd be there.

Now, you're not
gonna wimp out on me.

You're gonna go to that recital.

And if you end up
in a puddle tonight,

you'd just better break
into "Singin' in the Rain."

Ma?

What?

What are you doing here?

You were operated on.

You're my daughter.
Where else would I be?

How long have you been here?

Since they took you to surgery.

I haven't left the room,
not for a newspaper,

not for food, not
for a cold drink.

All day, I've been right here.

Oh, Ma. Ma, I love you.

Could you fluff up my
pillow a little, please?

What, I look like an orderly?

Push the button,
wake up a nurse.

I'm just here for moral support.

I already got that
from my roommate.

Oh, she's gone.

And I never thanked her.

Relax. She's not the Lone
Ranger. She'll be back.

I sent her to the cafeteria
to get me a sandwich.

Hello.

Hi. How are you feeling?

I'm exhausted.

How's our little patient doing?

Ah, fine, just fine. A
little groggy, that's all.

But you're not in any pain?

Slight discomfort.

You want discomfort?

Try sitting in this
chair for eight hours.

How was the dance recital?

Oh. We were great.

They loved us.

We've been invited to dance next
month at the Sunset Charity Ball.

There's even some talk about us going
up to Palm Beach to be in the cotillion.

Oh, that's wonderful.

And I'll be back and in
dancing shape by then.

Uh...

Well, you don't understand.
We've changed our act.

We're no longer
the Tip Tap Trio.

Oh? Who are we now?

Well, we're now known as...

The Two Merry Widows.

Hit it, Blanche.

Oh, that was the
most adorable dance

I think I've ever seen.

Rose, honey, could I look
at your hat for a minute?