The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Return of Dorothy's Ex - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Travel down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

What do you think?

I can't decide.



Oh, honey, trust me,
Martinique is perfect.

It has everything and
all the men speak French.

What do the women speak?

Rose, honey, everybody
speaks French.

Well, then we can't go
there. I don't know any French.

Oh, honey, don't worry. All you
need to know are two phrases:

Yes, and no, your
roommate can't watch.

Well, I was thinking
maybe some place like,

like Williamsburg, Virginia.
Or maybe Washington, D.C.

You're moving, Rose? Too bad.

This would be touching
if I liked you more.

I'm not moving, Sophia.

The three of us are
planning a vacation together.

Without me?



Well, we were hoping
that maybe you'd stay here

and watch the house.

Why don't you take
the house? I'll stay here

and watch the
hole in the ground!

Hello, everybody. Hi, Ma.

Brooke Shields takes
her mother everywhere!

She just found out
about our vacation.

We thought you were
gonna tell her, Dorothy.

Well, I was waiting
for the right moment.

You know, like right after
we landed in New York.

New York? I want
to go to an island.

New York is an island.

No, I mean some place
where swarthy men

who don't speak English
rub oil all over your body.

Great, then we can go
for a ride on the subway.

Stan's here. Oh.

What is he doing here?

Well, he needs my
signature on some papers

so I told him he could stop by.

Oh. Where is he?

I left him on the doorstep. I
wanted the neighbors to see

what a bacia-galoop you married.

I'll be back in a minute.

So, where is this vacation
spot you're going to

where they don't allow
mothers? Look Ma, please.

We'll discuss this
after Stan leaves.

What's to discuss? You're
leaving me behind to guard

the house like an old watchdog.

I hope a neighbor comes
by to give me fresh water.

Hello, Stan.

Dorothy, hello.
You look fantastic.

Please, please Stan.
No hugging, no kissing.

Let's just do it
and get it over with.

Sounds like the last few
years of our marriage.

I wish it was that good.

It wasn't that bad.

No, you're right.
The important thing is

is that it's over. Come on in.

Hello, Sophia.

So, did you bring the
young chippy with you?

Ma, come on, you're
talking about his wife.

So, did you bring the bimbo?

Chrissy's back in Maui.

I just came to sell a piece
of property that Dorothy and I

bought when we were in
Miami on our honeymoon.

Just sign on the last page.

Read it first. The last time
he had you sign something,

I ended up in a home.

Relax, Sophia. It's
just a piece of property

where Dorothy and I talked
about retiring someday.

Wait a minute, Stan.
I can't sign this now.

Oh, come on, babe. I
thought everything was agreed.

But this has to be signed
in front of a notary public

and don't call me babe.

Darn! Can you meet me
at a notary's tomorrow?

Do I have a choice?
You're beautiful.

I'll call you in the morning
and make the arrangements.

So long, Sophia.
You're beautiful, too.

Why did I ever marry that man?

Because he knocked you up.

Why did I ever let that happen?

'Cause he got you drunk.

Why am I even
discussing this with you?

Beats the hell out of me.

You sure all you want is coffee?

The corned beef
here is really primo.

No. I didn't even
want the coffee.

And you were the one
who said it would be rude

if I didn't join you. Besides,
I thought the little woman

had you eating things
like sprouts and roots

and those green things
that grow under boats.

Let's not talk about Chrissy.

Oh, come on. We've
had a bitter divorce

that time has softened
into a hostile relationship.

I mean, face it, our topics
of conversation are limited.

Come on, Dorothy. We
just sold a piece of property

that we bought on our honeymoon.

Don't you feel a
little sentimental?

No.

Come on, what do you say
we take a drive out there?

Take one last look at
it. Oh, two hours in a car

with my ex-husband looking
at a piece of swampland

that I don't even own anymore.

Oh, Stan, you really know
how to show a girl a good time.

She left me.

What?

Chrissy left me
for a younger man.

Younger than Chrissy?

Where did she meet
him, Camp Snoopy?

I didn't want to say anything.

What the hell, you
deserve to gloat a little.

I deserve to gloat a lot!

But I can't. I know
what the pain is like

and I wouldn't wish it on&

I don't know how to finish that
sentence I usually say Stan.

When did it happen?

A couple of months ago.

She told me she thought we
were no longer sexually compatible.

Well, she didn't say it
in exactly those words.

Of course not. Those words
have more than one syllable.

Anyway, she found some
guy with a few less miles

on his surfboard
and that was that.

Well, I must say,
you're taking it fairly well.

It's a front.

You sure you're not
gonna say "I told you so?"

You're a good person, Dorothy.

You want some?

Oh, wonderful! Half a
pound of cholesterol.

Are you sure you don't
want to go take a ride

and look at our swamp?

Oh, why not? I mean,
the day's shot anyway.

Great! And after, I
can take you to dinner.

How about that little seafood
place near the Fontainebleau

where we were on our honeymoon?

Yeah, sure, why not?

If memory serves me
correctly, the last time,

we excused ourselves
before the main course

and rushed back to the hotel.

If memory serves me,
we rushed back to the hotel

because you had the runs from
that cheap lunch you bought us.

Oh, yeah.

I don't care what Dorothy says,

I'm not spending my
vacation in New York.

It might be interesting.
I've never been to New York.

You haven't, Rose? I'm
shocked, you're so cosmopolitan.

Well, take it from me,
you're not missing a thing.

The people are rude,

the streets are
full of criminals,

everything's overpriced.

I don't know why Frank
Sinatra sings about it.

New Yorkers are all sickos.

We could go to Hollywood.

Sure, good choice.
No sickos there!

Sophia, honey, please.
We're trying to make

a very difficult decision here.

Oh, excuse me. Not only
am I not allowed to go,

I'm not allowed
to talk about it.

This is the same deal Cinderella
had with her stepsisters.

I've always wanted
to go to Hollywood.

When I was a young girl, I used to
dream about becoming a movie star.

Mr. Mason, who owned
the corner drugstore,

said I was a young
Barbara Billingsley.

So when I turned 17,

I told my father that I
wanted to take acting lessons.

What did he say?

No.

Great story, Rose.
But you know what?

Hollywood's not a bad idea.

Well, what do you say?
Should we tell Dorothy

that we want to go to Hollywood?

Why don't we! As
soon as she gets up!

Hey, to Hollywood! To Hollywood!

Morning.

I guess you ladies didn't
recognize me without my toupee.

I guess that's it.

Do you mind if I use the phone?

You already used my daughter,
you didn't ask for my permission.

There's a phone
in the living room.

Thanks. Hi. Hi.

OK, I know what it looks like.

And frankly... that's
exactly what it is.

You had to bring him
home? You couldn't find

a drunken sailor
on a street corner?

We're a little
surprised, that's all.

You're not alone. I mean, it
was the last thing in the world

I expected. I met him,
we went to sign the papers,

we had lunch, he told
me his wife left him&

And you believed him? That
is the oldest line in the book.

I hear that at
least twice a week!

And it works every time.

I said it was old. I
didn't say it doesn't work.

No, believe me, Chrissy
left him. He was devastated.

Next thing I knew, I was
holding him, he was crying,

we were in bed. It was
just as it always had been.

Well, I'm shocked.

I was, too. You know,
Chrissy didn't teach him a thing.

Well, if he's moving
in, I'm moving out.

He is not moving in, Ma.

We are not getting
back together.

It was just one night with
a comfortable stranger

and that's where it ends.

Believe me, we both know that.

No, you heard me right. Six
dozen long-stemmed roses.

And the card should read:

“To Dorothy and a
wonderful new beginning.”

Dorothy, we're gonna
talk to the travel agent

about Hollywood. You
wanna come with us?

No, look, I'm sorry, but I'm
not gonna spend my vacation

sitting in a tour bus, looking
at houses that may or may not

belong to Lucille Ball.

Well, I'm not spending
my vacation in New York

getting mugged and
groped and insulted.

I'll be happy to go anywhere
they don't spit on Americans.

Why don't you come with us?

No, I can't. Stan
called, he's stopping by.

Oh really, what's he going to
do? Bring you some more flowers?

You know what I
don't understand?

I don't understand why
he sent you flowers at all.

I mean, two days ago
you hated each other.

And you know what
else I don't understand?

I don't understand how
two people who go off

to a business meeting
end up in bed together.

And you know what
else I don't understand?

I don't understand why you didn't tell
him this morning exactly how you felt.

Is that is, Rose? I
mean, are you finished,

or is there something else
that you don't understand?

Well, actually, there is.

I don't understand how a thermos
keeps things both hot and cold.

Yeah, neither do I. But I'll tell
you if ever I sleep with Mr. Wizard,

I'll find out what I can.

Oh, I'm sorry,
honey. It's just...

Last night should not
have happened, but it did.

And it obviously means more
to Stan than it does to me.

I mean, right now, he's
hurt and he's vulnerable.

Why didn't you tell
him that this morning?

I was too shocked and I
didn't know how to tell him.

And to tell the truth, I don't
even know what I want to tell him.

What do you mean?
I mean that I am

totally confused
about what I feel.

Hi, Stan.

Hello, Stan.

Blanche, Rose, don't
leave on my account.

No, they have to. They're
hitching up the house

to the car and entering
it into the Rose Parade.

We'll see you all later.

Didn't you like the flowers?

Oh, Stan, they're beautiful.

They're just
absolutely beautiful,

but I mean, it's too much!

I know! I can't believe
how expensive roses got

since the last time
I sent them to you.

Yeah, well, everything's
gotten more expensive

since Truman left office.

Stan, listen, we really
have to talk about last night.

We sure do.

What do you say about
us getting back together?

Come on in, girls.

See, what did I tell you?

Ma, what are you doing?

I was having a meeting
with my vacation club.

It seems there
are a lot of children

who like to take vacations
without their mothers.

What are you all doing here?

They never heard of a woman
going to bed with her ex-husband.

That's him, girls.

I can't explain it either.

Listen Stan, I think
we'd better continue

our discussion in the kitchen.

Sure babe. Beautiful. Dorothy.

So you just want us to get
right back together again, right?

Just like that? I mean,
Stan, we're divorced.

Stan, you walked out on me.
You left me for another woman.

Dorothy, I realize I
may be rushing things,

but think about it. We
had 38 years together.

A lot of it was good.

I can't believe one stupid mistake
on my part could undo all of that.

Well believe it. It was one
hell of a stupid mistake.

Well, was I the first
guy to go through

a mid-life crisis
and react that way?

Probably not. But you were
the first one I was married to.

Dorothy, Dorothy, hear me out.

I know what you're thinking.

That last night really
didn't mean anything,

but you're wrong. The
fact that it happened at all

proves that there's still
something between us.

And now, we've got a
chance to start all over.

We could take that cruise
we always talked about.

We could look into that antique
shop you always wanted to open.

We could stop the
sale of that property

and finally build the home
we always dreamed of.

There are so many things that
we can do together, Dorothy.

So many things
you can't do alone.

Don't answer me right
now. Just think about it.

Please. Please don't close
the door on the rest of our lives.

I love you, Dorothy.

Took me a while to
realize I always have.

You shouldn't take him back.

It's not just my
opinion. We took a vote.

Hey, what are you two doing up?

Waiting for you.

We thought you
might want to talk.

All the food's already
on the table, Dorothy.

We didn't want to
waste precious time.

Thank you.

So, what do you
want to talk about?

All right, I have not decided
what to do about Stan.

I mean, how can I just forget

all the time that
we had together?

And then how can I forget
the pain and the hatred

that I felt when
he left me? I...

I can never trust him again.

If you can't trust your husband,

then what kind of a
relationship can it be?

Sounds to me like you've
already made up your mind.

I guess I have. Yeah, I just
didn't know it until just now.

Oh, I wish there was
some gentle way to tell him.

Oh, take it from me honey.
There is no gentle way

to end it with a man. When
you're gentle with them,

they just don't get the message.

Oh, Blanche is
so right, Dorothy.

That was exactly the problem
I had with Eddie Parker.

He was this real
sweet guy who was

crazy about me but...

I just didn't feel the
same way about him.

You see, when
Charlie went off to war,

I went to work for
our local USO club.

And that's where I first
met Eddie, the Aqua Midget.

He was a blue midget?

Don't be ridiculous.
He was a diving midget.

That was his act. He used to...

jump off a step ladder into
this gigantic punch bowl.

So, um, what happened?

Nothing, he'd just swim
to the side and hop out.

I mean, what happened
between you and Eddie?

We talked a lot between
shows and, of course I didn't

realize it, but he
was falling for me.

Didn't have far to fall.

It started with little things.

I'll bet.

Pretty soon the
situation got out of control

and I tried to let
him down gently.

You tried to make
it short and sweet?

He just wouldn't
take no for an answer.

So I finally just had
to tell him straight out

that I didn't feel about him
the way he felt about me.

It had nothing to do with
his size. It was simply that...

I could never become seriously
involved with anybody in show business.

Thank you, Rose.

I don't know what to say.

And I mean that from
the bottom of my heart.

Hi. Hello, Stan.

Come on in, I ordered
up some refreshments. Oh.

After all, this calls
for a celebration.

Oh, what are we celebrating?

The fact that you got free
champagne with your room?

We are celebrating what
you said on the phone.

Oh, what did I say?

You said, "Stanley, Stanley,

could I come to your hotel room?

I have to see you.”

Mmm, no, that's not what I said.

I said, "Stanley, Stanley,

could I come to your hotel room?

I have to see you”"

Exactly.

Here you go, Dorothy.
How about a toast?

Look, slow down Stan.

There are a couple
of things I'd like to say.

OK, but usually the
man makes the toast.

Stanley, I...

One second, that
must be my socks

and underwear coming
back from the laundry.

That is one of the biggest
drawbacks of being without a wife.

Chrissy!

Chrissy?

I had to talk to you, Big Stan.

Why didn't you
return my phone calls?

I& There's nothing
to talk about Chrissy.

Big Stan?

Who's she?

Oh, sorry. This is
my ex-wife, Dorothy.

Dorothy, this is my
soon-to-be ex-wife, Chrissy.

Hi. I want you back, Stick Man.

I need you back. I
was so wrong to think

I'd be happier with Jean Paul.

I realize that now. I can't
spend another night without you

in that big, empty, lonely,
solar-heated waterbed.

No need to say a
word, I understand.

Here you go,
honey. Dorothy, wait.

Chrissy, there is
nothing to discuss.

Oh, but Stick Man!

I mean, the girl flew
all the way from Maui.

Oh, that's all right. I'm a
stewardess. I fly for free.

I know, but the thought
should count for something.

Chrissy, something
happened here in Miami.

Something that
changed the way I feel.

Listen, Stanley. You
know, before you&

Dorothy, Dorothy,
don't be embarrassed.

Chrissy deserves
to hear the truth.

It's all over
between us, Chrissy.

This is the woman I love.

Seeing Dorothy again made
me realize how superficial

my relationship
with you really was.

Sure, the sex was great.

Terrific, actually.

But it's OK with Dorothy, too.

And with Dorothy,
there is so much more.

I'm sorry, Chrissy.
There's nothing left for us.

The fact is, there
wasn't that much

there to begin with.

She never could hold her liquor.

Stan, did you really
mean what you said

about there not being that
much between you and Chrissy?

That's right. I'm glad,

because now I
don't feel so guilty.

What are you talking about?

Stanley, I don't feel the
same way about us as you do.

You're kidding! No. You know,

what happened the other night
brought back lovely memories,

but I'm not the same woman you

walked out on two years ago.

My whole life has
changed and quite frankly,

I like the way it is.

The fact that I'm on my own now&

My God, Dorothy.

Are you saying you
won't take me back?

Well, we could never
have things the way

we used to have, Stan. You see-

You're telling me that you're
not going to take me back?

Yes, Stanley, that's right.

Let me get this straight,

you're definitely not
going to take me back?

Look, Stanley, I'm
sorry. I don't want to...

Dorothy, I'd like to
hear the rest of this

but I've got to get
down to the lobby

and grab Chrissy before
somebody else does.

Hey, terrific sex is
better than nothing.

Here's to terrific sex.

And the dumb blonde
who's not gonna get any.