The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Heart Attack - full transcript

Sophia falls ill suddenly, and the other girls worry she may be having a heart attack.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say,

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Bye-bye. Bye, y'all.

And drive carefully.
This wind is terrible.

See you next week. Bye! Goodbye!

Oh! Oh, what a party!

Oh, Ma, I tell you, that meal

was absolutely incredible.

Oh, it was fantastic,
Sophia, really fantastic.

I know, I know.

Did you see that
Emma Jane eat? Oh!

I could not believe my eyes.

That woman must
weigh 275 pounds.

She never stopped shoving it in.

And then she had
to talk the entire time.

She just sprayed
food all over the table.

Like a mist! I
got it in my hair.

It was hitting me like pellets.

I got a piece of rice in my eye.

She could have put my eye out.

Well, I never had
food like that in my life.

Now, I spent a summer
in Italy four years ago.

I never ate this well.
'Course, I never ate.

Who'd have the time or the
energy, if you get my drift.

No. Oh, Rose.

Italian men are just the
sexiest, most romantic,

most gorgeous men in the world.

Of course, they
just worshipped me

because I'm blonde and feminine

and young, with a great body.

What mirror do you use?

Oh, Sophia, now,
you've done enough.

Girls, we're doing
the dishes. You just sit.

Fine with me. I'm exhausted.
I've been cooking for two days.

I offered to help you,
Sophia, but you said "No."

You're Scandinavian.
What do you know,

a thousand ways to make herring?

Well, not a thousand, but a lot,

and I'm famous for
my Lindstrom surprise.

What in the world
is that? Herring pie.

The surprise is, you
think it's pie, like apple,

but when you bite
into it, it's herring!

Oh, what fun!

It was.

My cat was named Lindstrom.

I used to make it for him on
his birthday and other holidays.

Wait a minute, your
last name was Lindstrom.

You named your cat
Lindstrom Lindstrom?

Yes, it was less
confusing for him.

I'm gonna clear
the stuff from inside.

She's something. A real pistol.

The energy she has...
look at this meal she made.

It's just incredible.

You know what? She's in the
other room starting to clear up.

We can't let her do that.
Oh, you're right. Come on.

She's done enough for one night.

Ma, now listen... Oh, boy!

I ate too much scungilli.

What's the matter?
I got a bubble.

Why are you rubbing your chest?

The bubble is in my chest.

What do you mean,
you have a bubble?

Is it pain?

If it was pain, I'd call it
pain. I have a bubble.

Blanche, do you
know what a bubble is?

I know what a bauble is.

I know what it is.
I've had a bubble.

In your head.

A bubble is something that just

sits there and presses until

it's chased away
by a you-know-what.

No. What, Rose, a
highway patrolman?



A big belch.

You couldn't say "belch"?
What is it, a Viking curse?

Well, it's not the
nicest word in the world.

Right now, it would be the
nicest sound in the world.

Ma, you know,
you don't look good.

I'm short and I'm old.

What did you
expect, Princess Di?

I think we should call the
doctor. I don't need a doctor!

Blanche, would you call, please?

The number's by
my bed. Dr. Harris.

I hate doctors.

The only doctor I ever
liked was Dr. Clyde, our vet.

He was wonderful.

My mother wanted him to do
her hysterectomy, but he wouldn't.

But he was willing
to do her lobotomy.


What, Ma? What? Pain.

What kind of pain?
The kind that hurts.

Ma, lie down. Just lie down.

Dorothy, what if I'm
having a heart attack?

You're not having
a heart attack.

How do you know?
You're not a doctor.

You're not having a heart attack. Why
do you think you're having a heart attack?

I'm 80 years old, I got
Pavarotti sitting on my chest,

odds are it's a heart attack!

The doctor was out, but
they're trying to locate him,

so I called the paramedics
and they're on the way.

Oh, great, great.

Dorothy, do we have
heart disease in our family?

No, Ma. How did Uncle Mario die?

Don't you remember? He
was carrying out the garbage

and dropped his gun, and it went
off and shot him in the forehead.

Oh, yeah, right. What a klutz.

Didn't Aunt Teresa
have a heart attack?

Aunt Teresa didn't have a heart.

Uncle Nunzio?

Uncle Nunzio died to get
away from Aunt Teresa.

My mother died of old age
and my father fell off a donkey,

so we got healthy
hearts in our family.

Very, very healthy.

That's good.
That's a good thing.

There shouldn't be heart attacks

or cancer, or
anything like that.

There should just
be a certain age

where you have to turn
your life in, like a library book.

You pack a bag, you
go, and that's that.

I wouldn't know what to pack.

Of course, you know
the real question is,

do they have dry cleaners
there? Well, dry cleaners die.

There's probably a
slew of dry cleaners.

Will you two please
shut up? Oh! I'm s...

How about if I make a pot
of coffee while we're waiting?

Great. Good idea.
Thanks, Blanche.

Rose. Oh, I'll come help.

What if I die, Dorothy?

Ma, you're not going to die.

Now, look. I don't want
you to talk. Just rest.

Rest? I could be
history in 20 minutes.

I got some things
I have to tell you.

The key to my safe-deposit
box - it's in my underwear drawer.

Oh, Ma, please! Don't interrupt.

Don't let your Aunt Renata
come to the services.

It's my death. She'll
make it her moment.

Ma, look... Dorothy, you
were always my favorite.

I want you to know that.

Maybe I didn't show it. I'm
not an affectionate person.

But you are.

Don't tell your sister,
and keep the silver.

OK, Ma.

You know, I'll probably
see your father in heaven.

I haven't seen him in 30 years.

I wish there was time
to get my hair done.

Maybe it isn't a heart attack.

Oh, Rose, honey, she's 80.
At 80, something's got to go.

Well, not necessarily.

My grandparents lived
till their 90s. One was 102.

In Minnesota.


Rose, you know how
they freeze dead people

to preserve them and
then bring them back?

That's like living in Minnesota.

The cold slows down
the aging process.

Oh, I would move there in a shot

if only they had men there.

We have men in Minnesota.

Farmers, Rose. Farmers.

I'm an idiot! Why?

I didn't think this
would happen.

What? Death. I didn't
really think I'd die.

Ma, maybe someday,
but not today.

It could be today,

and you know
what? I'm not ready.

80 years old, and it would
come as a complete surprise.

Ma, you're OK. You
are not going to die.

I don't want to. Who does?

You know, I'd settle for
even just one more day.

God knows why. Tomorrow
I'm cleaning the closets.

Ma, I love you. You
know what, Dorothy?


Death sucks.

Do you want to be
buried or cremated?


What do you want to
be, flushed down the toilet

like a goldfish?

I wouldn't want to be
cremated. I hate heat.

And burial? I hate small spaces.

I'm a little claustrophobic.

Rose, you're not gonna know
anything. You're gonna be dead.

Oh. Well, then, burial, I guess.

But will you promise to
put a blanket in with me?

Why? Oh, I'd just feel
more comfortable...


And I'd want my pictures
of Charlie and the animals.

You know, the ones in
the little silver frames.

And-And my pictures
of the children.

And, of course, if
I'm married again,

I'd want a picture
of my new husband.

And the candlesticks
Mama gave me...

Rose, it's a
coffin, not a condo.

This is a very
depressing conversation.

Well, I want a fancy funeral.

I want a big parade
with a riderless horse.

And then I want to lie in state,

and then be buried
in Arlington Cemetery.

Why Arlington Cemetery?
Because it's full of men.

But they're all dead.
So are the men I date.

And I'm sorry I
never tried acting.

I always wanted to act.

Coffee's ready.
Oh, thanks, Blanche.

Sophia, you feel
a little better?

Oh, my God, she's...
I'm not dead, I'm resting.

Of course you're
not dead. Not yet.

Oh, Ma. Don't “Ma” me. Listen.

Before you know
it, I could be gone,

and we won't have said
some important stuff.

I love you, Dorothy.

Just remember that I
love you very, very much.

And I love you,
Ma... very, very much.

I couldn't love you more.

And you two, Heckle and Jeckle.

Thank you for
letting me live here.

It was some treat.

You made an old
lady feel young again.

You're OK.

We love you, Sophia. We sure do.

This is nice, to
die with friends.

I'm gonna close my eyes
now, but I'm only resting.

Oh, God, where
are the paramedics?

I'll go call them again.
Rose, you stay with Dorothy.

Oh, Dorothy, she'll be fine.

I'm sure it isn't
a heart attack.

A heart attack's bigger.
I've seen a heart attack.

Charlie had a heart attack.

And it wasn't like this?
Oh, it was much worse.

If only the paramedics
would get here.

Charlie made me dress him
when he had his heart attack,

before the paramedics got there.

But he wasn't dressed?

We were making love.

Oh, Rose, honey,
you never told me.

He died while you
were making love?

He didn't die then.

He had his heart attack then...

and he told me to dress him.

And? And I dressed him.

And then we had a fight.

I grabbed a pair of white pants
and I was putting them on him,

and Charlie said it
was after Labor Day

and he couldn't wear white.

In the middle of a heart attack?

Oh, Charlie was very stubborn...

and very dapper.

And then what happened?

And he told me
he loved me and...

then it was over.

And I put a pair of gray
flannel pants on him...

and a blue shirt,
and a striped tie.

And he was all dressed
when the paramedics got there.

Girls, come here a minute.

Listen, it's gonna be a while.

There's lots of trees down

and accidents
because of the storm,

so the paramedics can't
get through right away.

Oh, we have to do something.
I mean, she needs help.

We can drive her to
the hospital. That's right.

The hospital's 20
minutes from here.

If the paramedics
can't get through,

what makes you think we can?

We could get out
there and get stuck.

I think we ought to just wait
for help. But she could be dying!

But what can we do?


Wait and pray.


What, Ma? What?

What? You're sitting on
top of me, I open my eyes,

I see pores like that, I
think I'm on the moon.

Did you have a nice nap, Sophia?

I didn't have a
nap. I died a little.

I went to heaven.

Oh, Ma. You just slept, is all.

You were there? Don't tell me
where I went. I went to heaven.

I saw the golden light

and some angels in
white robes with harps.

I thought I was at
Saks at Christmas,

but then I saw your father.

Really? He was
surrounded by women.

He's in heaven.

Did you see God and
Jesus? They were busy.

I think I'll go
back. Ma, don't go.

No, Dorothy. It's
a wonderful place.

I'm very excited about
it. Ma, I want you here.

Sophia, are there
lots of men in heaven?

Oh, Blanche. I'd like to know.

Dorothy, get me my rosary.

I'll be right back.

Listen, Sophia. What about men?

Are there lots of men in
heaven? Oh, Blanche, come on!

Well, you asked her
about God and Jesus.

Is there anything else
we can get you, Sophia?

A little tea, perhaps?

I'm not in England. I'm
having a heart attack.

Keep her company.
I'm gonna help Dorothy.

Sophia, you know,

I always thought there'd
be a Catholic heaven,

with nuns and
priests and churches.

And then a separate,
Protestant heaven,

with people and cows and horses.

And then a Jewish heaven,

with libraries
and furriers and...

You're starting to annoy me.

You shouldn't
annoy a sick person.

Oh, Sophia, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help.

You wanna help? Be quiet.

I'll be quiet,

but just don't close
your eyes, all right?

Don't-Don't close your eyes.

Did you find them? No.

Ooh, Blanche, what if she dies?

She's a tough lady, Dorothy.

If anyone's a survivor, she is.

If she dies, I'll be an orphan.

Can you believe it?
I'm over 50 years old,

and I'll still feel
like an orphan.

I know.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

You lose a parent,
you might as well be six.

It's scary,

and it pushes you right
up to the head of the line.

I know.

Oh, God, I don't
know what I'll do.

I love that lady so much.

She's my family.

We're your family too,
Dorothy, and you remember that.

We might not be
blood, but we're here.

Oh, God, I miss her already.

So there I was with no vet,

and Petunia was about
to give birth to her piglets.

Well, I just didn't
know what to do.

I mean, I had helped
deliver Bessie the cow,

but Petunia was so
much more difficult. She...

If I died, would you
stop telling this story?

Sophia, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to get
your mind off things.

I want my mind on things.
I've got to make my peace,

and I need some peace to do it.

I'll be quiet.

Thank you.

Here are your beads, Ma. I found
them in a can of peanut brittle.

Of course. That's
where I keep them.

Oh, the paramedics.

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh, Dr. Harris, thank
God you're here.

Here she is.

So, what's this, Sophia? I
hear we're not feeling well.

We? What are you, a partner?

Where's the pain? My heart.

Show me where. Here.

You hungry? You want some food?

We got a lot left over.
Dorothy, fix him a plate.

Later, Ma. Now breathe normally.

Later I could be dead. I
won't know whether he liked it.

Sophia, please. I can't
hear... and I ate at my mother's.

What did you eat? Kreplach.

You're Jewish?

All right now, relax.

How come so many
doctors are Jewish?

Because their mothers are.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Did that hurt?

No, I'm singing rock 'n'
roll. Of course it hurts!

What did you have for
dinner? I didn't have any dinner.

All right, tell me
everything you ate today.

I don't know. A little
of this, a little of that.

Wait a minute,
she had scungilli.

And I saw her eat some
sausages and peppers.

I saw her eat some
fettuccine Alfredo,

and fried mozzarella.
Are you kidding?

And then this afternoon
she had the cannelloni

and the mushrooms
with Gorgonzola.

Bring him a plate of those.
Those were great. Rose, go!

Oh, and the Milk Duds, remember?

You had those two
boxes of Milk Duds.

Milk Duds?

They're delicious. I love them.

The trouble is, they
take out my dentures.

Sophia, I don't think
you're having a heart attack.

It's most likely a
gallbladder attack,

brought on by overeating.

Overeating, by the way,
is a gross understatement

for what you've described to me.

You simply cannot go on
eating like that at your age!

You can't eat like
that at any age.

But she didn't have a heart
attack, you're absolutely sure?

I've got a portable EKG machine
in the car. I'll double-check,

of course, but it doesn't
seem like a heart attack.

She's got classic
gallbladder symptoms.

A tenderness in the
upper right quadrant,

a slight discoloration
of the whites of her eyes.

Try this and tell me
you're not in heaven.

Sophia, I can't, really.

One bite, for God's sake!

Isn't it a little rude
for him to be eating

while she's having
a heart attack?

She's not having a heart attack.

Mmm. That's good.

Give me one of
those. Hide this stuff!

Where shall I hide it?

In your brassiere, Rose.

Just throw it away.

I'm gonna get the EKG
machine. I'll be right back.

I'll call the paramedics
and tell them not to come.

Oh, thanks, Blanche. Dorothy,

is he single or what?

Or what.

Happily? Happily.


Boy, what a relief.

You're telling me. I
thought I was a goner.

It's incredible. You
think you're dying,

you feel death enter your body.

A doctor comes,
he says you're fine,

you're ready to swim
the English Channel.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

I want you around
for a long, long time.

They'll have to murder me.

Though, I must admit,
I was a little excited

about seeing your father again.

Ma, you feeling OK?

I'll live.

Listen, I'm sorry
if I scared you.

Oh, honey, don't worry about it.

I'm just thrilled that you're OK

and... 'cause I'm happy that,

you know, I'm your favorite.

What are you talking
about, favorite?

You know, you told
me that I'm your favorite.

Please! What favorite?
Are you kidding?

I thought I was dying.


Boy, what a night.

You said it.

It sure makes you think.

Sure does.

About what?

About our policy in Guatemala.

About death, Rose.

Oh, death.

Are you prepared...
either of you?

I mean, really
prepared for death?

For somebody else's death. I
have a stunning black dress.

Well, if I've thought
about it - you know,

the fact that I will die -

then how can I take seriously

most of the things
I take seriously?

Like? Like eating, for example.

I mean, why starve myself
to the point of thinness

if I know that I
could die tomorrow?

I mean, why not eat
the chocolate cake?

What chocolate cake?

The chocolate cake
in the refrigerator.

You know, you
have a point, Dorothy.

Here we are, not
eating chocolate cake,

which we obviously adore,

because we want
to stay very thin,

and then drop dead. That's nuts.

But we might be
thin and stay alive.

But not forever, Rose.

We're not gonna
stay alive forever.

That's Dorothy's point.

When you're gonna die in the
end anyhow, what's it matter?

Yeah, I mean,
what does it matter

if you know that you're
gonna end up dying anyway,

you might as well do
what you want to do.

Like having ice cream
on the chocolate cake.

You know, I knew someone who
went to this fabulous restaurant in Paris

and just had
watercress for lunch

because, you know, she
didn't want to gain weight.

And then after lunch, she
walked out of the restaurant

and a gargoyle
fell off the building,

hit her on the
head, and killed her.

Oh, no.

Look at what her last meal was.

That is tragic, just tragic.

Here, honey, dig in.

'Course, it will be
just my luck. I'll eat,

I'll gain 40 pounds,
and live to be 90.

Me, too. I'm healthy as a horse.

Unfortunately, I'll wind
up looking like one.

You know, all it takes
is one little dessert

and my panties cut
off my circulation.

I pass. Me, too.

I'm not touching that.

I mean, I put on 12 pounds
just from dinner alone.

Let's go for a walk.
Right, burn it off.

Are you kidding?
After what we ate,

we'd have to walk to Canada.

Oh, Mounties. I
love Canadian men!