The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Engagement - full transcript

Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche are three women who share a house in Miami, Florida. Dorothy's elderly mother, Sophia, unexpectedly moves in after her retirement home burns down, and Blanche accepts a proposal of marriage.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

I taught a class today -

the finest school
in Dade County.

Two girls had shaved heads

and three boys had green hair.

They're expressing themselves.

Yeah, well, I expressed myself.

I told them they had to leave.
They were too ugly to look at.

Now the parents are mad.

A father came in
in a three-piece suit

and defended Tiffany,

a bald girl with a nose ring.

What's that?
Enchiladas rancheros.

Why don't you just shoot me?

Hi. Oh, hi, Rose.

What a day.

One sad person after another.

Rose, you work
at grief counseling.

What do you expect, comedians?

Well, it would be
a change of pace.

Oh, Dorothy, can I
borrow your mink stole?

It's Miami in June. Only
cats are wearing fur.

You going out? No, no.

She's going to sit here where it's
112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

I just need some
cucumbers to put on my eyes.

You'll have trouble
seeing, Blanche.

It's very good. It
reduces puffiness.

Does it work on thighs?

I don't know, honey. I
don't need it on my thighs.

Who's she going out
with? Harry... again.

Harry? Who is this Harry?

All Blanche said

was he still has his
own teeth and hair.

Oh, it is wonderful
dating in Miami.

All the single men under
80 are cocaine smugglers.

You know, I'd
kill to be 20 again.

Oh, I would kill to be 40 again.

Oh... You know, I had
the shock of my life today.

I was in the teachers' lounge

talking to a group
of girls in their 20s.

Oh, they were so pretty.

At that age, you don't even
have to be pretty and you're pretty.

Anyway, we were laughing and
giggling and having a great time,

and I completely
forgot that I was older.

I just felt like
one of the girls,

and we had a wonderful time.

And then I got into my car
and caught a glimpse of myself,

and I almost had a heart attack.

This old woman
was in the mirror.

I didn't even recognize her.

Who was it?

It was me.


Oh, Rose, I'm
borrowing your earrings.

Lord, I'd love to get
a face-lift by 8:00.

Blanche... who is Harry?

Oh, girls, he's just wonderful.

He's very gallant, he's
a perfect gentleman,

he's a great dancer,

and he doesn't make
noises when he chews.

Chewing - that's way
up there on my list.

Comes right after "intelligent."

He doesn't talk
loud at the movies,

doesn't take his own pulse,

and he's still interested.

In what?

Rose, if you have to ask,

it does not matter anymore.

And he proposed.

Blanche, wait a minute!

He proposed? You've
only known him a week!

And he wants an
answer tonight. Tonight?

Ton... What are
you gonna tell him?

I don't know. You know,
he's very wonderful,

but I have only
known him for a week.

That's right.

But I don't want to lose him.

Girls, I just don't know
what I'm gonna tell him.

I have to go put on my face.

What if she marries him?

What'll happen to
us? This house is hers.

Then we'll move.

We can't afford to buy a house.

What do we have for
collateral? A gay cook?

Oh, come on, Rose.
Nobody is getting married.

Now, let's go talk to Blanche.

Dorothy, we'll
become bag ladies!


Come in.

Blanche, Blanche,

your friend Harry
wants an answer tonight.

What are you gonna tell
him? I haven't decided.

I guess I'll know when I
hear it come out of my mouth.

You'll know when you hear
it come out of your mouth?

This isn't a belch,
Blanche. This is marriage!

Will you look at this?

She has more colors than
Benjamin Moore Paints.

You mustn't rush
into anything, Blanche.

You hardly know him.

I just wonder what
my husband George

would think about me and Harry.

Well, if he was alive,

he probably would not like it,

but since he's dead,

I don't think it
poses a problem.

I just want him to
know that I'm happy

but that I could never
be as happy with Harry

in the same way
as I was with him.

He knows, Blanche, he knows.

Your thoughts and
feelings go right to him.

You can communicate
directly from your heart.

Can't you, Dorothy?
Oh, don't ask me.

I can't get through to
New Jersey with MCI.

That's him. He's early! I
haven't finished my face.

Well, the only thing
left is to dip it in bronze.

We'll get it. Thanks.

I wonder what he looks like.

I just hope he doesn't
have hair in his ears.

Hi there. Ma!

Ma, what's the matter?

Everyone is fine, No one died.

The home burned down.

My God, are you all
right? How'd you get here?

I hitched. Oh, Ma!

A cab. I took a cab.
Well, you should've called.

I'm perfectly capable
of managing by myself.

I don't need help.

I'm a totally
independent person.

I know, I know.

I need $67 for the cab.


Ma, Ma, this is crazy.

The home is 15
minutes from here.

My cab driver is Cuban.

He said there was an additional
tax for a bilingual driver.

I'll take care of him.

Sit down, Sophia.
You must be exhausted.

Why? I rode in the
cab - I didn't push it.

Oh, Sophia, honey!
How nice to see you.

Who are you?

It's me - Blanche.

You look like a prostitute.

Sophia, the things you say!

She didn't mean that, Blanche.

Of course I mean
it. Look at her.

My cab driver
would fall in love.

Can I get something to eat, or
is the fancy man in the kitchen?

The way she talks!

She can't help it.

Oh, I've known plenty of
women who have had strokes.

Some of them were
in very bad shape,

but they're still ladies.

But, Rose, this stroke
destroyed the part of her brain

that censors what she says.

So she just says whatever
she thinks. She can't help it.

He's an OK petunia.

Ma, Ma, the cab driver said
you promised him a $67 tip?

Don't be silly. I
said a $6, $7 tip.

Why don't these
people learn English

if they're gonna live
here? This is Miami.

I'd have less trouble
getting around Ecuador.

Oh, I'll get it.

Harry, hi. Ah, my pretty.

Oh, Harry. Everybody,
this is Harry.

Harry, this is Rose. Rose.

And Dorothy. Dorothy.

Hi, Harry. And this is Sophia.

Well, you must
be Blanche's sister.

You must be blind.

Sophia's home just burned
down. Oh, that's terrible!

Not to me.

It was a retirement home,
and you know what they did?

They set off the fire
alarm, in a retirement home.

Who can rush?

Half the people have walkers.

The other half can't
get out of their chairs.

But they got bells
going off like crazy.

You know what that does to hearts
that only beat a few times a week?

It's not pretty.

Uh, we better go.
We have reservations.

I hope he's taking
you to a cold climate.

Good night. Thanks,
ladies. It was a pleasure.

Nice meeting you,
Harry. Have fun!

The man is a scuzzball.

This is so sad.

We were all so lonely,

and then by a miracle
we found each other.

Rose, we both answered an
ad to share Blanche's house

that we found in
the supermarket.

It was not the resurrection.
It is hardly a miracle.

To me it was a miracle,
because we're happy.

It's not fair, you know.

I mean, we get
married, we have kids,

the kids leave and
our husbands die.

Is that some kind of a test?

You don't work that hard,

you don't go through
everything you go through

to be left alone.

We are alone,
Dorothy. We really are.

Our families are
gone and we're alone.

And there are too
many years left,

and I don't know what to do.

Get a poodle.

It's yes. I know it is.
She's gonna marry him.

Oh, come on, Rose.

She can't help it.
Blanche needs a man.

She told me, when George died,

she made a date at the funeral.

Oh, not that she
didn't love George.

She can't be without a man.

You know what I'm saying?

What am I doing up?

I'm subbing for a teacher
who was shot by a student.

I need all the sleep I can get.

I used to sleep so well. I
never even turned over.

I'd wake up with
a perfect hairdo.

Charlie, on the other
hand, moves all night long.

His side of the bed looks
like a murder took place.

Rose, Charlie is dead.

Why tell her?

Coco, it's 15 years!

I know he's dead. I'm not crazy.

I just like to talk about him in
the present tense sometimes.

It makes him seem closer.

That's fine, Rose. You
do that. I don't mind at all.

Sure, Rose. Set a
place at the table.

Well, hi!

What happened?

Oh, we had the nicest time.

We went to Joe's.
You ever been to Joe's?

Yes, what happened?
I had the stone crabs.

I never had stone crabs.
You ever have stone crabs?

Yes, yes, Blanche. Just tell us.

Oh, I was just so relieved
they didn't have eyes.

You know, I can't eat
anything with eyes, like lobster.

I can't eat anything that moves.

Like what, Rose? Horses?

Like oysters.
Oysters don't move!

Coco, they could
dance! Who cares?

Tell us. Oysters move!

Very slowly. You have
to watch very closely.

Blanche, are you
gonna marry Harry?

Marry Harry, marry Harry.

A little rhyme.
Knock it off. Are you?

Yes. Next week.

I knew it. I knew she
was gonna marry him.

But next week?

At our age, long
engagements don't make sense.

I have to go to bed.

Where will you live? Well, here.

Where will we live?

Oh, don't worry.
We'll live, we'll live.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

It's so hard to
find a place to live.

Well, you can
just stay right here.

Well, that's settled.

Oh, Rose. How could we stay
here with Blanche and Harry?

Well, she just said!

You certainly can
until you find a place.

However long that takes.

We're going to New
York for the honeymoon.

I just hope I don't
get murdered.

Charlie and I waited two whole
years before we got married.

I got married before my
father finished the sentence.

You married your father?

My father told Stan
that he had to marry me.

I was pregnant.

You had a blowgun wedding?

If you live in the Amazon.

In Queens, it's called shotgun.

Well, maybe that's why he left
- because you forced him into it.

Rose, he left me 38 years later

for a stewardess that he met
on a business trip to Hawaii.

It was her first flight.

They said, "On arrival,
give the passengers a lei."

She got confused...

he got lucky, and
they now live on Maui.

Oh, it's really wonderful.

A 65-year-old man with
gout learning to windsurf.

I hope he trips on his thongs
and falls into a volcano.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, Sophia, did we wake you?

I heard noise.

I thought it was robbers,
so I hid my jewels.

Now I can't remember where.

Ma, you don't have any jewels.

Thank God, because
I can't find them.

Tea, Sophia?

How about a shot of
gin with a beer back?

That was dumb of me
to have tea this late.

Now I'll go to sleep
and have to get up to go.

And wake me up.

If you didn't drink
before bedtime,

you wouldn't have to wake
up in the middle of the night.

I don't drink before bedtime.

I stop all liquids at
noon and I still wake up.

I never have that
problem, never.

I sleep like a log.

I never get up in the
middle of the night

to go to the bathroom.

I go in the morning, every
morning like clockwork.

At 7am, I pee.

Unfortunately, I don't
wake up till eight.

Where's Blanche?
In the bathroom.

I've gotta talk to you.

What is it?

I know this sounds
crazy, but I'm suspicious.

Of what? Harry.

Harry? And I don't know why.

There's just something
about it I don't like,

and I have to tell Blanche.

Tell Blanche what?
That she can't marry him.

The wedding is in 12
minutes! You can't tell her that.

I owe it to her. I'm her friend.

But there's nothing to tell her.

This is just some crazy hunch.

My hunches are never wrong.

Mrs. Gandhi would be alive today

if she had taken my call.

I'm gonna tell her. You are not.

I will not let you.
I can't stop crying.

I'm so happy and so sad.

Kind of a happy sad.

Speaking of sad,
Blanche... Shut up, Rose.

She's crying already.
What's the difference?

Rose, pick that up.

I just can't believe
it. I'm getting married!

What do you think about
that? I think it's a mistake.

To wear all that makeup.

I know it's fast,

but I just don't know when
I'll find another like him.

He just... Oh, girls, girls,

he makes me feel so
good, so young, so happy.

Aw. Rose, did you
hear that? So happy.

Now I have to go to
the bathroom again.

You know, when I get
nervous, I have to go all the time.

That's why I'm getting
married here at the house.

Public bathrooms
are so difficult for me.

I wash my hands so thoroughly,

and then I find it so
hard to get out again

without touching the doorknob.

Don't...! Be too long!

Rose, that is a
happy woman in there.

Now, I want you to promise
that you will not say anything.

Do you promise?

Do you promise?

Are you sure?

Well, what's got me so sad...


Oh, I just...

I just never, never
had two better friends.

I just can't stand the
thought of leaving you.

Oh, Blanche, you look gorgeous.

Shut up, Rose.

Are you ready? Yes, I guess.


The minister's here.
Oh, I need perfume.

Oh, perfume, perfume.
Come on, let's go.

He's a half-hour late.

He probably got
caught in traffic.

Ladies, I'm on a tight schedule.

This is Miami. I've
got funerals backed up.

Give us a few minutes, please.

Five minutes more, then
I've got to bury Mr. Pinkus.

You see?

Is there a Blanche
Hollingsworth here?

My God, he's been killed.

Arrested. What?

He gave me this to give to
you. He's a bigamist, ma'am.

He's wanted in four
states. He's got six wives.

You got yourself mixed
up with a real hustler.

I'm sorry.

Well, you won't be
needing me today.

Blanche, do you
want to read the note?

Do you want me
to read it to you?

"Dear Blanche, I
guess you know by now.

"I'm really sorry.

"The thing is, I
really liked you.

"This time was different.
You're a special lady.

"Maybe someday
you'll write to me.


Oh, God.

I'm stunned. I'm just stunned.

I know.

Oh, I feel like
such an old fool.

Not just a fool,
but an old fool.

My God, I just wanna die.

You're not a fool, Blanche.

You're a beautiful,
loving, trusting woman.

There's no fool here, Blanche.

I guess maybe I'm hoping the
shock will be too much for my heart

and I'll just drop
dead right here,

and the minister can
bury me with Mr. Pinkus.

I won't have to look
anyone in the eye ever again.

Except maybe Mr. Pinkus.

If I meet our paperboy,

he will not live to
be a paper man.

Florida is having a drought.

In the entire state,

there is not enough
water to make a cup of tea.

He finds a puddle.

What are you doing?
She's sleeping.

Just checking. You never know.

Tell me, how is Blanche?

She didn't go to
work again today.

It's been three weeks,
and she just sits in her room.

The museum's gonna fire her.

Well, we've tried everything...

golf, the movies,
theater tickets.

She wouldn't even
budge for Julio Iglesias.

I know grief. It takes time.

Please, Rose.

Listen, if you're Irish,
you have a wake.

You eat, you cry, you drink,

you vomit, and you're done.

If you're Jewish,
you cry, you sit,

you eat for 7 days,
you put on 10 pounds,

and it's over.

We Italians scream,
dress up a donkey,

hire a band, and that's that.

It's these southern Protestants

who make it a way of life.

When I go, put
me in a steel sack

and leave me on the
curb next to the cans.

We thought you were
asleep. You never know.

You girls shouldn't
sit out here in the sun.

Blanche, we've been so
worried about you. I know.

Oh, I'm so glad you're up.
I'm sorry if I worried you.

Aw, sweetheart, how are you?

I'm OK. I really am.

No. At first I
wanted to give up,

to die, truly.

Only time I ever felt worse
was when George died,

but then I had the kids with
me, and I pulled through it.

This time, I thought,
"Well, this is my last chance.

This is my last
hope for happiness."

I just thought I'd
never feel good again.

How long is this story?
I'm 80. I have to plan.

Then this morning I woke
up and I was in the shower,

shampooing my hair,
and I heard humming.

Well, I thought there was
someone in there with me.

No, it was me. I was humming.

And humming means
I'm feeling good.

And then I realized I was
feeling good because of you.

You made the difference.

You're my family,

and you make me
happy to be alive.

Let's all drive to
Coconut Grove for lunch.


My treat. We have to celebrate.

What, that she came
out of her room?

That we're together.

And that no matter what happens,

even if we all get married,

we'll stick together.

Then we'll need a
much bigger house.

Sure, Rose. After lunch,
you can pick up the lumber.

Ma, you want to join us?

Nope. I gotta rest.
I got a date tonight.

Ah? With whom?

The fancy man and I
are going to the dog track.

Your mother bets? No, she rides.

She's a dog jockey. Let's go.