The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
I loved Halloween,

especially the costumes,

and no one made dressing up
more special than my Pops.

But this was gonna be
my first Halloween without him,

and things were bound to be
a little different.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪♪♪♪]

The hell is this?
It's Halloween.

Traditionally,
people knock on doors.

They're still doing that?

Uch.



MURRAY:
Candy's in the bowl!

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Don't touch any Reese's Cups.

They're mine.
Adam!

Dave Kim
and his brother are here!

I'm clearly not
Dave Kim.

And I'm definitely not
his brother.

Yeah, I don't care.
What's with the hat?

I'm the shy and mousy
love interest,

Adrian from Rocky.

And I'm Rocky's corner man,
the gruff but loveable Mickey.

It'll be more obvious
with Adam as our Rocky Balboa.

An Italian
throwing punches.

[CHUCKLES]
There's something new.

What's this?



I don't remember
the Italian Stallion

wearing ThunderCatsPJs.

Sorry, guys, but I have
a tiny tickle in my throat.

[COUGHS WEAKLY]
Do you hear that?

- Not really.
- It's there, and it hurts a ton.

I thought it was just
a tiny tickle.

An incredibly painful
tiny tickle.

This whole thing
is incredibly painful.

I'll take some
peanut butter cups.

MURRAY: Only one!

If all we have left
are Abba-Zabas,

everyone's in trouble.

So you're not coming to
the Halloween dance?

I should probably just
stay home and heal up,

but eat some candy corn
for me.

Candy corn is ass.

It has a chalky
and waxy texture,

and don't get me started
on its mouthfeel.

How dare you?

It's chewy
and just a bit crumbly,

and it holds its shape just
enough for a good tooth sink.

- Brea, thoughts?
- Not really.

As soon as you said "mouthfeel,"
I kind of shut down.

At least we drove over here
to hear the news in person.

Perfect 98.6. Gah!

When did you take that?
Where did you take that?

Why are you lying
about throat tickles?

Fine. The truth is

Halloween was a special night
for me and Pops.

I'm just gonna sit this one out.
No big whoop.

Of course, Schmoopie.
No whoop at all.

[♪♪♪♪]

This is
a huge **** whoop.

I've got to restore
Adam's Halloween spirit.

Well, we all have our stuff.

For example, me,

I'm gonna go watch a special
Halloween "Night Court."

And you,
you've got to heat up

this four-meat lasagna
and bring it to me.

And so my mom did
everything she could

to get me back in the groove
of my favorite holiday.

She tried treats.
Your favorite!

Ooey-gooey chocolate chewy
for my Schmooey.

Nope.

She tried tricks.

[♪♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS] Mwah.

Not a chance.

She even tried...
whatever this was.

Aah!

Get it?
It's like in Psycho.

It is psycho!

The only thing psycho

is how broad
your shoulders have gotten.

You're my little
Iron Man!

Oh, God!

Just use
the knife already!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

*THE GOLDBERGS (2013)*
Season 09 Episode 06

Episode Title:
"The Hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin"

♪♪ I don't know the future
Aired on: October 27, 2021.

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day

It was October 27th,
1980-something,

and my brother Barry was not
exactly in the Halloween mood.

[ MONSTER MASH
PLAYING THROUGH WALLS]

Enough Monster Mash!

We get it!

[SIGHS]

Monsters need
to let loose, too!

What's the matter, babe?

You usually
love Halloween.

It's the one day a year your
candy habit seems reasonable.

If I want to get into
the medical school of my choice,

I have to bear down.

That's so inspiring.

When I'm a lawyer,

I'm gonna handle
all your malpractice suits.

It won't matter
who you kill or disfigure,

I will always be
right by your side.

- Aww.
- Yeah, aww.

Come get your treat,
you nasty trickster.

Blech. Can you guys
do that somewhere else?

Like, nowhere and never?

And why
would I hide it?

I'd happily demonstrate
my affection for Joanne

on the 50-yard line
of the Fiesta Bowl.

Mm, that's so hot.

The refs would totally
throw a flag

for illegal use
of our hands and faces.

Sure.
Love finds a way.

Hey, Barry, could I get
my popcorn machine back?

How dare you?

I need it when I want
to make and eat popcorn.

No, I understand why
you borrowed it,

but Erica and I are gonna have
a Halloween movie marathon.

Blood, guts,
and gore? Fun.

Nah, Geoff's not really
into that,

so instead,
we're watching the movies

of America's goofball
sweetheart, Goldie Hawn.

In Overboard,
she's a rich lady who gets amnesia

and ends up shacking up
with Kurt Russell

and his lousy kids.

On the silver screen,
it's a romp,

but in the real world,

it's kidnapping
and sexual slavery.

I want this back
first thing tomorrow.

Again, it's mine. So, what are
you guys doing tonight?

Barry's studying,

and I don't really
celebrate Halloween.

I was briefly a Wiccan,

and once you dabble
in the occult,

tonight feels
very amateur.

Well, we got the popcorn thingy,
so we should rush out.

Bye, Joanne. Big Tasty.

Big Tasty?
Who's that?

You know.
It's Barry's nickname.

I do not know.
Since when?

Since forever.

I've been
crushing the rap game

with my mad rhymes
and sick flow.

You rap? Wow.

How do you not know this
about me?

Maybe you just haven't
done it in awhile.

You've been so focused
on medical school.

- It's a good thing.
- Good thing?

My own girlfriend
doesn't know

how dope I am
at spitting lyrics.

Show me,
show me, show me.

Give me a topic.
Literally anything.

- That pencil.
- A-one...

[RAPPING] ♪♪ This pencil,
It's filled with lead

♪♪ It's also got wood
Did I mention the lead?

♪♪ W-What? What? ♪♪

What?

I lost my magic.

We all lose things...
Like the time.

[CHUCKLES]
Would you look at that?

- It's...
- Huh.

Don't worry.
I liked it, Large Yummy.

It's Big Tasty.

While Barry feared he'd lost
his hip-hop superpower,

my mom was hellbent on winning
back my love for Halloween.

Hey! I was kind of
watching that!

- Ben, I need your help.
- No thanks.

You don't even know
what it is yet.

I get the sense
it involves me, so...

Bevy, don't bother the man.

He's never participated
in life in any way.

Why would he start now?

Eh, let her finish
so I can pretend to consider it.

Adam needs some Halloween
grandpa time.

Hmm. No.

You don't have a choice.
You're doing it.

Oh, this one with
the hair and the ideas.

All right,
tell me where to stand.

Yay, his heart
is full and ready!

With that,
my Halloween was back on.

Sort of. Let's just
get this over with.

I don't like
looking like a Canadian.

Also, your cardigan isn't
exactly screaming "scary."

You want to know
what's really scary?

I had three UTIs this year,
so hustle up.

I'm gonna have to
take a tinkle soon.

And so began the worst
Halloween movie ever.

How am I gonna
murder in this?

My face is so hot.

Won't they know
the goalie did it?

So he's killing the campers.
Can't say that I blame him.

Sleeping on the ground
like a bunch of schnooks.

And cut!
I think we got it.

Got it?

I haven't stabbed
any horny kids yet.

But you have
killed my spirit.

That's a wrap
on Pop-Pop.

Really?
I'm here.

I'm wearing this thing
that smells like your brother.

No offense, Pop-Pop,
it's just...

It's not the same as doing it
with your other grandpa.

I get it.

I'm sorry.

Ah, don't be.

Everybody loved
that guy.

A little too smiley
for my taste, but you do you.

Thank you
for understanding.

Well, thanks for understanding
you're gonna drive me home.

While I was saddled with
giving Pop-Pop a lift,

my brother was busy
rounding up help

to bring back Big Tasty.

What's the emergency,
Barry?

I was in the middle of
Private Benjamin.

A sheltered,
wealthy lady in the army?

Sir, no, sir!

The emergency is
Big Tasty

- is back!
- Ha!

And he's got
a million-dollar idea.

After hearing Monster Mash
over and over,

it hit me.

There's no surer way
to pop super-stardom

than writing and performing
a novelty Halloween hit.

- What?
- Damn right, what?

And all he needs is your help
to come up with

the theme, music,
and lyrics.

Isn't that everything? No.

I had the idea
for the idea.

Legally, anything that's said
from here on out, I own.

- What?
- I got one.

♪♪ We did the bob

♪♪ We did the apple bob ♪♪

That's just Monster Mash
with different words.

Nuh-uh.
It's about apples.

Why is this something
you needed immediately?

Aren't you kind of focused
on becoming a doctor?

Why do I have to
just be one thing?

Can't I be
Dr. Big Tasty, MD?

Sure, you can. But I don't think
you're gonna get a lot of patients.

I'll get
all the patients!

Even your
stupid eye patients.

I'll cure their blindness
with my bedside manner

- and crazy syncopation.
- What?

Let me clear it up for you.
I need an international smash!

Topic, cobwebs. Go!

I love you, Barry, but I think
you're wasting your time.

- And mine.
- Fine!

But every year
during this time,

you'll have to explain
to your kids,

"I know the guy
who wrote that song,

"but I wouldn't
support him

"by coming up with the idea
and writing it for him!"

While Geoff shot down
Barry's novelty-song dreams,

I was heading into
an All-Hallows nightmare.

Thanks for helping me

lug your mother's
pumpkin bread up here.

They are surprisingly
hard and sharp

for something
supposedly made with love.

I can stick those in the wall
of the john. [CHUCKLES]

No leak's gonna get by
those walnuts.

Welp,
I look forward to the tale

of how these loaves saved
your bathroom at Thanksgiving.

Until then.

Whoa, whoa. Wait.
Where you going?

I thought you were
gonna stick around

and help me shoo away
those costumed moochers.

As much fun
as that sounds,

I think I'm just gonna
head home, go to bed,

and wake up
when Halloween's over.

Oh, son of a bitch!
Someone stole my pumpkin.

Pumpkin?

You don't decorate
for Halloween.

Halloween?

No, I was waiting
for it to ripen

in this nice October air.

That was my special
soup pumpkin.

- Soup pumpkin?
- You're damn right.

It was a rare
albino gourd.

That was
weeks of soup.

What am I supposed to
do about it?

You're gonna help me
find the bastard who took it.

Or we go to the supermarket,
and I'll buy you

all the weird-colored
vegetables your heart desires.

- And let those bastards win?
- No way.

We're gonna go right now.

We're Halloweening.

It was Halloween,

but instead of the quiet
night at home I wanted,

I was having a garbage time
with Pop-Pop.

I understand we're looking for
a white pumpkin

that will yield you
months of soup,

but why exactly are we
wearing trash bags?

We gotta blend in
with costumes.

This isn't a costume.
It's a Hefty Cinch Sak.

Ooh, Cinch Sak.

Someone's mommy pays for
the good stuff.

Now just ring the doorbell,
ask for candy.

I'll case the house.

That's your plan?

A door-to-door pumpkin search
in trash bags?

Look at you
following along, huh?

Now, you got
that sock I gave you?

- I threw it away.
- Threw it away?

That's grocery store socks.
Now where are you gonna put the candy?

Your foot
was just in there!

Oh, check you,
Prince of Persia,

too good to eat sweets
from my calf-highs.

Fine! Just give me
the other one, I guess.

[GROANS]

There.

Oh, God.

Why is it damp?

There's a cool mist
in the air.

No, there isn't!

And why is it warm
to the touch?

It's like the towel
they give you at Benihana

before the meal.

Here we are.
Ding-dong we go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Trick or treat,
I guess?

What are you
supposed to be?

The only thing that
makes sense is trash.

Well, happy Halloween.

Yeah, happy for you.
Have you seen this?

A poorly drawn circle?

That's a pumpkin.

I don't like your sass,
Zorro.

- I'm clearly a witch.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

Thank you.

When did you draw
a "missing" sign for a pumpkin?

Just put the Circus Peanuts
in the hot sock and keep moving.

And so our painful search
for the pumpkin continued.

Come on, already.
Let's knock.

Clearly,
no one's home.

They left a bowl out with
a sign that says, "Take one!"

Oh, I guess they didn't
take my pumpkin.

Nobody can be
that stupid.

Look, I'm just gonna roll up
this, uh, Cinch Sak,

and you can dump it all
in there.

- And break the trick-or-treater's code?
- No way.

- [CHOIR SINGING]
- Holy butt paper!

Is this Halloween
or Christmas?

Why are you so excited about
a tree full of toilet paper?

That's enough Charmin
to last me two weeks.

That's a remarkably short
amount of time.

Will you stop squawking
and start gathering?

Now, shimmy up that branch
and get to the top stuff.

Come on.

As my night took another
crappy turn,

Barry was ready to say
good night to Big Tasty.

[SIGHS]

Farewell, dookie rope.

You will never gleam
on my jacked neck again.

What are you doing with
your mom's jewelry?

Please.

She would never wear anything
this small and tasteful.

[NECKLACE JANGLES]

I'm burying everything
that was Big Tasty.

Rest in piece,
Kangol hat.

You protected my head
full of sick rhymes.

Stop. You can't
throw away who you are.

And yet, I am.

Adios, Adidas tracksuit.

I'll never rap
or occasionally exercise

in you again.

W-What are you doing?
That's my sad box!

I'm saving Big Tasty.

Now, look."Elvira:
Mistress of the Dark."

Even in
black and white,

she pops off the page,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, I do.

And she's appearing tonight
at a mall in New Jersey.

- This is a sign.
- It is!

It's like the Halloween
spirits have come to save me.

To save Big Tasty.

Now, you're gonna write

the best Halloween rap
of all time.

She'll hear two bars

and sign you
to her spooky record label.

- This is the perfect plan!
- I know!

And we can
take the train there,

'cause I'm
a little bit drunk.

You just
gave me an idea

for the biggest hit single
in Halloween history...

Monster Train.

Next stop, gold record!
[LAUGHS]

All we need now
are lyrics, music,

and someone
to arrange it all.

Follow me!

Monster Train?

I am 1,000% in.

You're surprisingly
enthusiastic.

May I ask why?

I'm just excited
to hear Elvira's reaction

when you
present her with

your fun and quickly
cobbled together song.

She's in it
for the right reason!

- And with that...
- Thank you.

Barry set out
to make novelty-music history.

- There was howling...
- A-woo.

Bigger.
More wolf-like.

Rewrites...

Wait, why is the witch taking
the train to Transylvania?

Wouldn't she just
ride her broom?

Good note.
We need to establish

the witch
lost her broom license.

- And lots of train sound effects.
- Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a.

Whoo! All aboard,
ghouls and ghoulettes.

Everyone stop
and cherish this moment,

'cause tomorrow,

your simple,
pathetic lives are over.

And when it was over,
they had a song.

Sort of.

Remember,
you have to call me

after Elvira hears this.

I need to know what she says
word for word.

- You're a good sister.Sure.
- Word for word.

While Barry had a ticket
for the "Monster Train,"

my Halloween with Pop-Pop
was off the rails.

Oh-ho-ho!
A tree full of two-ply.

Life doesn't get better.

I sincerely
hope it does.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Boy Iacocca here wipes
his tush with cotton candy.

Cotton candy?
That seems like a big mess.

I just thought, instead of
your nonstop whining,

you might be having
a good time or something.

Good time?
No offense,

but your hunt
for the Great Albino Pumpkin

couldn't get
any worse.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Oh, damn it!

Quick,
scurry under that car!

Or how about we can just
jump into this pay phone,

where I can
call my mom? Aah!

Oh.

[COIN DROPS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Adam!
Oh, thank God.

How did you know
it was me?

It takes
only 13 minutes

to get to Pop-Pop's house
and back.

I have been calling
and calling.

- Where were you?
- Here and there.

It's Devil's Night,
Adam.

Every year,
six million kids

are abducted
and slaughtered.

That seems high.

You tell that to my manicurist's
manicurist's son.

She doesn't do
her own nails?

She doesn't do
anything anymore

since her son went
trick-or-treating

and sickos
scavenged his head for parts.

They stole his eyes,
nose, and teeth.

Now every year,
his costume is the same,

human jack-o'-lantern.

But the rest
of the year,

he works in the way, way back
at Circuit City.

So he's doing it!

Murray,
our baby is safe.

Call the police and tell them
to cancel the APB.

I never really called
in the first place.

So what
are you guys doing?

You know,
harassing

homeowners
about a white pumpkin

and scaling
a toilet-paper tree.

A toilet-paper tree?

Yeah, it's been basically
the worst Halloween ever.

See ya in a bit.

So, the worst ever, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You know
what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Sure, I do.

Well, it looks like
the rain stopped,

so let's
get you home.

Even worse than
a terrible Halloween

was that I'd hurt Pop-Pop.

There was nothing I could do
to fix it...

Wait!
There it is!

Or was there?

[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Adam, wait!

I don't think
that's mine.

Of course it is!
I'm grabbing it.

No, no.
Uh, Adam! Adam! A-Adam!

What the hell?

You stealing my pumpkin,
old man?!

No, no, no, no, no. That's for my
grandpa's soup!

Ow! Whoa!

Ohh. Ahh.

Adam! You okay?

[GROANS]
Not even a little.

As I was down for the count,
Barry was counting on Elvira

to makeMonster Train
a smash hit.

Hello, darlings.

Oh, my God.

You're just as spooky
and beautiful as I imagined.

- Um, what can I sign for you?
- A record deal.

We, of course,
split the gate,

and I own my likeness,
Big Tasty, in perpetuity.

You'll find it
quite fair,

considering everything
we're bringing to the table.

This is starting to be
a whole thing,

and, uh, there's a line going
back to the Waldenbooks, so...

Where's your Mistress
of the Dark boombox, huh?

I don't have
or even know what that is,

so if you have a song
you want me to hear,

you're just gonna
have to perform it.

In front of all these
freaks and wack jobs?

You mean my fans?

What he means is,

once this crowd of
weirdos and hideous loners

starts grooving
to Big Tasty's hot track,

you won't be able
to say no.

I think
you'd be surprised by

all the things I've said no to
in my life.

Okay.

Jo-Jo!
Drop a funky beat.

[BEAT BOXING]

♪♪ First stop, second stop,
third stop, fourth ♪♪

In that moment,
Big Tasty was back.

He'd dusted off his rhyme
skills for the hottest song

about a commuter train
for monsters ever.

He rapped his heart out.

There was a verse about
Dracula doing the Jumble

and the Wolfman
losing his briefcase.

Finally,
his novelty-song mic drop.

♪♪ The tracks wind left,
The tracks wind right

♪♪ Chugga-chugga choo

♪♪ This monster train
Will bite! ♪♪

- [RECORD SCRATCH]
- And thank you.

Oh, I knew it!

One verse in, and
the sultry vampiress loves it.

I do not.

What?
What's wrong with it, Elvira?

First off, the monster train
is just a train.

With monsters!
Hello?

Why are they
on the train?

To get to their monster schools
and businesses downtown.

So they live
in the suburbs?

Obviously.

Because the city has been
overrun by a bad element.

Worse than monsters?

Elvira, I can't believe
you're this literal.

More like
Mistress of the Nitpick.

Thank you both for being here
and happy Halloween.

Okay,
you can't give up.

Let's get back in the line

and pretend
to be other people.

What's the point?
Geoff was right.

This was just
a dumb idea.

- No, it's not.
- Joanne, it's over.

I know it's silly.

I used to think I'd be
so many things in life,

a rapper, a pro athlete,
a business mogul.

- What kind of business?
- I don't know,

and I'm clearly
never gonna find out.

They're all just
stupid, childish dreams.

Big Tasty's dead.

- Barry...
- Stop.

You've done enough.

- I was supporting you.
- By making me look like a fool?

Thanks a lot.

[♪♪♪♪]

After his Halloween
humiliation at the mall,

my brother Barry drowned his
troubles in an Orange Julius.

Well, if it isn't
my little musical friend.

Please,
I'm not in the mood.

Wait, you eat food
like a real human?

Are you even
a Mistress of the Dark?

Well, occasionally,
I come into the light

for a corn dog.

Everything is wrong.

I don't know
who I am anymore.

It's just, I...

I started to feel like
I was losing a part of myself,

and... the only person
who encouraged me

to be that guy again
was my girlfriend.

She sounds pretty great.

She's the best,

but... I wasn't
very nice to her.

Well, there's one thing
you can do.

I'm not gonna date you
to make her jealous, Elvira.

Any woman who would be
supportive of you

after hearing that song
is worth holding on to.

You are more than
the Mistress of the Dark.

You are the mistress

of insights
into the human heart.

Thank you, Elvira.

[SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

Thank you,
odd boy in a mall.

Hey.

Hey.

- Bar, I'm sorry...
- Stop.

You've got nothing
to be sorry for.

I was afraid of
losing Big Tasty,

and you were the only one
who cared enough

to make sure I didn't.

I would never let
Big Tasty die.

He's a part of you.

And I promise to support
all your crazy dreams, too.

Good, because I got
a lot of them.

Like, way too many.

My rap name is
MC Joanne Rebecca Schwartz.

- You rap?
- I don't know,

but... I feel like I can
do anything with you.

Me too.

While Barry realized that
he had something

more special than
a Halloween hit,

I was still recovering
fromgetting hit.

Oh, no.
What happened?

I just
got clocked in the face

with Pop-Pop's
albino pumpkin.

Get over here.

Yeah, well, uh,
here's the thing,

it wasn't my pumpkin.

I never had
a pumpkin.

I made
the whole thing up.

Ben, what did you do?

I was just trying
to give the kid a Halloween

like his other grandpa
used to.

So the trash bags
and the going door-to-door?

Eh, it was
the closest I could get

to tricks, treats,
and whatnot.

But like you said,
it was horrible.

It wasn't great.

But you tried.

Yeah, and I screwed it up.
That's what I do.

It's true,

what Pops and I had
was special.

But, trust me,

this is a night
I'll never forget.

Well, you might, after taking
that whack to your noggin,

but, uh, I'll remember
for both of us.

[CHUCKLES]

Grandpa-grandson
Halloween love is real.

Oh, this one,
blubbering over nothing.

- It's not nothing.
- Ahh.

♪♪ They did the monster mash ♪♪

Oh! Mama's coming in
for the candy pile.

- Oh! Yeah.
- ♪♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪♪

Turns out, there's nothing like
a Halloween adventure

to bring people together.

And it doesn't matter
if you don't believe

in ghosts and monsters,

- as long as you believe in each other.
- Yes!

Sure, no one can fill
the shoes of the people we've lost...

You're feeling better!

And your costume
looks amazing!

Your black eye
is so authentic.

Pop-Pop helped me
with it.

But then again,

sometimes new people help us
carry on old traditions.

Nice.

♪♪ First stop, second stop,
Third stop, fourth

- ♪♪ Tracks run left ♪♪
- Especially

the ones who
wouldn't dare give up.

Trick or treat!

Who are you
supposed to be?

Girls holding pillowcases?

No, you have to
have a costume.

Fine.
I'm her and she's me.

You know, our dog walker's
termite specialist

had a daughter who was
full of sassafras.

One Halloween,
a wayward jellybean

lodged in her ear canal.

She lost her hearing,
her balance,

then while scuba diving,

she couldn't tell
which way was up

and started going
deeper and deeper down.

The pressure crushed her bones
like a soda can.

Now she works at an arcade,
making change with her mouth.

- Any Smarties?
- Just take one.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Happy Halloween!

Ooh.

[♪♪♪♪] Subtitles
Synchronized by srjanapala