The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - An Itch Like No Other - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

Mr. Glascott
was many things.

I'm Mr. Glascott,

the roller-skating
guidance counselor.

My trusted advisor...

This is inappropriate.

A co-worker...

A sometimes
entertainer.

And once he rented
the house next door...

A frequent visitor.

- Howdy, neighbor.
- What time is it?



It is 06:31
in the glorious morning.

One minute after neighborhoods
across the globe

officially open
for biz.

It's barely
light outside.

You know, I used to live
overlooking a limestone quarry.

That giant, watery pit held so many
mysteries.

And, for some reason,
a Safeway shopping cart.

The street lights
are still on.

I made strudel.

Be careful cutting it.

My first rent check
is baked inside.

That's fun, I guess.

Oh, it was an accident.
You know what?

Let's plate it before the caramel
smudges the ink.



And it wasn't just
early-morning visits.

He always found
a reason to pop in.

Neighbor favor.

Do you mind if I borrow your
station wagon?

My tuba won't fit
into my Datsun.

"You play tuba,"
you asked?

Yes, I do.
And here's a taste.

For him, visiting hours
were sunrise to sunset.

Here's your
evening paper.

Oh, we don't get that.

Oh, but I do.

Grab a pen,
and we can circle

the yard sales we want to hit
this weekend.

Ooh,
a jigsaw puzzle!

You start sorting.
I will tackle the borders.

Yeah, it's a kitten eating ice cream.
I think I got it.

Okay, then, I'll just sit
and cheerlead.

Aww, look at you!
His paw is holding a spoon.

I just remembered
I hate puzzles.

Okay, well,
JG is tapping in.

Oh, Adam, you know,
it is customary to offer

a neighbor
a cup of coffee.

That doesn't sound like anything I've
learned in this house.

Black, with two sugars.
And also, cream.

Yep, there was
no escaping him.

Even in the middle of the night,

his presence was felt.

Wow, it's worse
in here than in our room.

It's Mr. Glascott's
damn parrot.

Yeah, John said she
was in heat

and night vocalizations
are normal.

Normal?

I can't sleep because of
the sex screams

of a 40-year-old bird.

I wish there was something
I could do.

Buy me that slingshot
I always wanted,

and I'll end this
right now.

- Adam!
- Sorry!

But the guy's just so up in
our business.

It's making me
think bad thoughts.

I'm losing my innocence,
Mama.

Glascott's just coming on
a little strong,

but I'm sure
he'll settle in.

I'll settle it
right now.

Give me a pellet gun
and a place to stand.

Who am I?

Okay.
Just lay down.

I'm sure Feather Locklear
will calm down

as soon as John puts
her shows on.

Good night, Schmoopie.

Aww, so adorable.

He can see me?

It's the perfect angle
from my thinking window.

Howdy, neighbor!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

*GOLDBERGS (2013)*
Season 09 Episode 05

Episode Title: "An Itch Like No Other"
Aired on: October 20, 2021.

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

It was October 20th,
1980-something...

Geoff and Erica
were called

to get Barry from
urgent care.

He was having...
Well, a delicate issue.

Barry, are you okay?

If this is another lollipop scam,
enough is enough.

They sell them by
the bagful.

I don't fake
injuries for lollies.

I do it for the
thrill of the con.

But this time,
it's real. Very real.

Your friend has
a severe case of...

- Don't!
- They can't take care of you

if they don't know
what it is.

Fine!
I'll explain.

I have what's
known as...

Mega testosterone.

He has poison ivy
in and around his anus.

Hey, that's
my story to tell!

Yes! God, this is gonna
be good! How?

It's a harrowing
tale of adventure and survival.

You pooped in the woods
behind the Wawa

and wiped with a poisonous leaf,
didn't you?

Reggie wouldn't let me use
the one in the store

without a $5 minimum
purchase!

I only had $4.27!

Why didn't you at least buy
toilet paper?

The indignities
are stacking up.

Sorry about your
skin irritation, Bar.

- It could have happened to anyone.
- It really couldn't.

Here's the instructions
for his care,

and I can't believe I have
to say this...

Don't rub strange plants
on your delicate areas.

I'll be a doctor,
too, soon.

So, Barry, just to make sure
I understand,

you want us
to help you?

You're my only choice.

Joanne can't know.

And I can't ask Mom,

'cause based on prior experiences
with ointment,

she'd be too
eager to help.

- But why us?
- You two dopes

are the most responsible
people I know.

Please?
I can't do this on my own.

Pwease.

Take cawr uv
baby Bewwy.

That doesn't work the way you
think it does.

Come on, Erica.

He looks at us
like Mom and Dad.

Pass around the cigars.

We're the proud parents of a
200-pound,

ten-ounce
bundle of idiocy.

And I promise to make it
easy as possible.

I doubt that.

- Okay.
- Easy!

- Okay!
- Easy!

As Geoff and Erica suddenly had
a new responsibility,

my dad was showing off
his own sweet baby.

Fifty thousand BTUs.
Eight burners.

Two spits.

I can roast a pig

and a baby goat
at the same time.

She's gorgeous, Mur.
What are you gonna name her?

Don't be stupid.

Well, I find it easier to

connect with objects
than people.

- It's not for everyone.
- And no tank.

Just a gas line from the blind
couple's house.

Why do they own a car?

What's the first meal you're gonna
fire up, Mur?

I'm gonna have Bevy
cook up some burgers.

And this Bar-B-Cutie is ready.
Unh-unh.

That's the spirit!

But maybe tone it down
on Saturday.

Saturday?
For what?

Our first neighborhood
barbecue.

Shut your perfectly
marbled T-bone face.

I sometimes give Dolores pet names
after prime meats.

Petite Filet, Ribeye'd Lady,
Jenkintown Strip.

She hates all of 'em.

With a grill like this,

I can't have my lady
cooking just for me.

She'll cook for
the whole block.

It's the life I've always
dreamed of!

We'll host every weekend and invite
all our friends,

but we'll always exclude one
couple, hmm?

Everyone will be
in a permanent state

of social anxiety.
Yay!

And don't forget buns.

When we went to the beach,
you didn't bring buns.

Kinda ruined the day.

And I know the first person
you should invite.

Mr. Glascott.

What? Why do I have
to get involved?

Well, he's new to
the neighborhood,

he's eager to
meet everyone,

and he's got
an infectious smile.

Plus, if you
go right now,

you can watch the game in his
media room.

Those are only for
Hollywood fat cat.

Or I guess anybody
with an extra room.

So, what do you think?

Eh, off to the
media room.

Life-size cheerleaders.

Now it won't be weird
when I kiss the screen.

I was like, "Why waste such
an amazing space

"on giant screens
and plush seating,

"when I could have
my own Zen garden?"

Uh, I don't get it.
Where's the big TV?

Oh, it's over there.
I put one of my old kimonos over it,

and I'm using it as a stand
for my bonsai tree.

It's like a big tree,

but everything about it is
actually small.

I tell you
what's not small.

The amount of sand
that's in my shoes.

Do they make these in the apple
and pear variety?

I'd like to pick
a piece of tiny fruit

and put it next to
a spider, huh?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

So, who's up
for a Zen walk?

Me, I guess!
How do I do it?

You just step slowly.
Let your mind go blank,

and keep doing
that until the goblins go quiet.

Hey, Mur, you gonna
hop on this crazy conga line?

He was not.

Mur?

While my dad had
bailed on Glascott,

Erica and Geoff
were all-in on helping Barry.

- Step.
- Ouch!

- Step.
- Pain!

Okay, Erica, you lower him onto
the medical donut,

and I'll hide his pill
in a piece of cheddar.

Well, now that I know,
I won't eat it.

My fault.
I'm gonna go make you

a totally unmedicated

- milkshake right now.
- Yummy.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah!
- Here we go.

Ahh! She missed
the donut!

Erica, you got
to be careful.

It's not my fault!
He's shaped weird.

Hey, I'm shaped
perfectly!

Okay, let's
switch it up.

Erica, you
handle the meds,

and I'll lower him
onto the butt bagel.

Come on.

How's that?

It's like floating
on freshly fallen snow.

How'd you do that?

With my strongest
muscle. Compassion.

Hey.

My first laugh
since I used every leaf

on that
uninviting bush.

- Thanks, Geoff.
- Here's baby's baba.

Gross.

It tastes like medicine.

I'm gonna make you
a new one, champ.

Erica,
I'm hungry,

and I want
something delicious.

There may be a war raging in
the canyon below,

but up in this valley,
I want to live like a king.

I'll get you a banana,
Your Majesty.

Blech!
I want hot wings.

The hotter, the better.

I don't care what
the doctor said.

My mouth didn't sit
in poison ivy.

Barry was a handful,

but as the day
went on, things got...

Well, not much better.

The remote?

- There was his bath...
- Aah! The water is scalding!

My secret garden
can't take this heat!

Did you check
with your elbow?

You gotta check
with the elbow.

I'm coming in
eyes closed!

His ointment time...

You gave this
to Barry to rub on his butt?

- It's his ointment.
- It's Dippity-do.

What's the diff?
It seemed to work.

It did not.

It is an area that
does not need to be styled.

And, finally, bedtime.

Okay,
he's finally down.

Yippee. He wanted
a bedtime story,

and he insisted
I make it super graphic.

It was very
uncomfortable.

Well, I'm sure the smile on his
dumb little face

made it all worth it.

Why are you so upset?

I'm the one who's
doing most of the work.

Oh, you love doing
most of the work.

Guys!

I need help
to the bathroom!

You know, 'cause
of my condition!

Here's where I prove you wrong.
You're up.

How about no one's up?

We can let him cry it out
once in a while.

Yeah, that's not
really my style.

Yeah, which is why
he's worse and worse.

I mean, you just spun him an R-rated
goodnight yarn.

There's a
ticking clock on this!

Okay, fine, I'll go.

But tomorrow,
I have to be in lab, so you're on call.

Fine.

But remember,
I have a cappella practice.

Yay! It's Geoff!

He helps
without hurting.

While Geoff was always
there for my brother,

Mr. Glascott was just
always there.

It's almost 5:00.

Did you stay late
after school?

Nope, we carpooled
and took the scenic route home.

I had a very
fascinating dream last night,

so I took a few
extra turns

so that I could
tell Adam all the details.

We drove to Paramus
and back.

My brain is very active
when I sleep.

They say it's a sign of genius.
Or madness.

But we know which one, right?

I'm pretty clear on it.

Hey, is Murray in?

Bill and I sort of hogged
the Zen path yesterday,

and I think he may have felt
a little left out.

You know,
instead of that,

how would you
like to join a book club?

Ooh.

I liked the plot
of this one.

Me too.

One thing happened,

then another,
then another.

And it kept going that way
until the end.

And how about the description
of that lifeguard?

I could almost smell
the suntan oil on his abs.

It's like
mouth-to-mouth,

and then maybe
a little body-to-body.

Essie, did you
even read the book?

- I'm sorry?
- You should be.

What terrible choice
did the lifeguard make?

Ooh, I remember.

He bought some swimming trunks that
were way too small.

Very tight.

He watched a man
drown and did nothing.

What's the point of
having a book club

if you're not gonna
read the book?

We usually have wine.

Well, it's a good thing
that I'm here.

I'm gonna get some pens
and some paper.

To jot down our grievances with your
tone and manner?

No, so we can have
an in-class essay,

and I want all
of your eyes on your own paper.

I'm looking
at you, Essie.

I want to go home.

Bevy, is John gonna
be at the big barbecue this weekend?

Lou and I might
come down with a wet cough

depending on
your answer.

Glascott
will know nothing

about the barbecue.

Erica had been
taking care of Barry,

but it was time
for her to go,

and Geoff was
nowhere to be found.

Do you really
have to lay there like that,

with your butt
hovering in the air?

Well, ever since
you overinflated my medical pillow,

my options for
comfort are limited.

I never thought I would miss
looking at your face.

And there's a new issue.

The pain is now an itch.

An itch like no other.
You heard the doctor.

Scratching will
prolong the healing,

and nobody wants that.

Just give me
a slotted spoon?

A balloon whisk?
A seafood fork?

A grapefruit spoon?
A melon baller?

One of those little things you hold
corn with? Anything!

Ew! You're a little
too familiar with

the scratching power
of our silverware.

Wait, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

I'm already late.

Geoff was supposed
to be here an hour ago.

You can't just
leave me here like this!

- Watch me.
- Erica, please.

You're the only thing
between me, my butt,

and your
silverware drawer.

I can't believe
Geoff flaked like this.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

I see your hips moving!

You're wiggling to
itch your butt!

Okay! I'm sitting
on a hairbrush.

My hairbrush?

It's not yours anymore.

And I don't care if
it makes it worse.

It's the devil's relief.

Oh, my God.
Barry, you need to distract yourself.

Here, look at this!

Whoa!

- It lights up.
- Mmm-hmm.

And the mirror makes my eye
look like a giraffe's!

Yeah, you want to
know what else is fun?

Keys!

- They sound like sleigh bells!
- Mmm-hmm.

Erica had her
first parenting win

until she saw something that
would make her lose it.

Geoff?

Walking out of
the movieTwins.

Yep, Geoff was
on thin ice.

And Mom was
hot on the trail

of getting Mr. Glascott
a new pal.

Hey, neighbor!

Look who's chatting up
well-known crank, Mr. Woodburn.

Yeah, I'm confused, too.

She asked me a question,
I responded,

and it just kept going.

Well, you know, until today,
I hadn't taken the time

to get to know Dale,
and I'm learning so much.

Like, did you know
he made his own canoe?

Ooh! For work or play?

Strictly play.
Woodburn gets after it on the weekends.

Here's a fun idea.

John, do you remember the other night
when I came home from work

and you were waiting for me
on my porch?

Yes, I had made
a Cobb salad

and had half a head of lettuce
left over to share.

No, the other night when you wanted to
read me your bucket list.

Oh, yes. I made
a few updates

and wanted to
get her feedback.

Wasn't "canoe trip"
on there?

You had moved it
up from 18 to 16

and then moved down
"try sushi."

And that reminds me,

I undercooked some salmon and
ate it anyway.

- Do you think that counts?
- No.

Woodburn,
aren't you gonna take

that canoe out
this weekend?

Yeah, maiden voyage.
Where is this going?

I'm just saying,
maybe you two should

go canoeing together
on Saturday.

Holy crap.

Is my one-man watercraft

becoming a
two-man watercraft?

Wait, you'd like
for me to join you?

Couple of bachelors
on the Delaware

without a care
in the world

and a lifetime of regret.

That's got legs.

Hmm. Okay, I guess.

Yay! Friendships
forming everywhere.

My mom had pulled
a fast one on Glascott,

but my sister wasn't going to let
Geoff do the same.

Hey, babe.
What's all this?

My way of saying sorry.

You've done all the work
with Barry,

and I've been no help.

Other than today,
when you had to be in the lab.

About that,
I should have called, but there was,

uh, an explosion.

Oh, no,
not in the lab

where you
definitely were.

Definitely. Yeah, the chemicals went...

And the glass was like...

And everyone was like "Aah!"
It was crazy.

Well, things were
less eventful here.

I just missed
a cappella practice.

Oh, right.
Sorry about that.

It's fine. They just
gave my solo

to the girl with
the back brace.

That sucks,
but she needed the win.

Oh, Barry is
sound asleep.

You want to slip out
and catch a movie?

I thought we could
see Twins.

Oh. No, thank you.

I hear it's a hoot.

Because they're
unlikely twins.

Yeah, no,
I get the premise.

One's tiny, the other's
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why wouldn't
you want to see

a very popular
movie with me?

Could it be because
you weren't at the lab

and you've
already seen it?

Oh, no! You know!

Damn right,
I know!

You were the one
who said this was parent practice.

It was just harder
than I thought it would be.

And then you bail on me?
What does that say?

It says I'm a bad daddy!

A, a bad boy who's
gonna be a bad daddy!

Bad-boy daddy!
That's me!

Who woke me up?

I'm cranky now!

That grill is unreal.

Not only does it
sear to perfection,

but it makes me
hate people less.

Yep, the barbecue
is a smash.

And even better,
I didn't take this away from John.

I gave him a friendship.

Taking what you're saying
at face value

and not digging deeper.

Hello, Beverly.

John?

You're, um...
You're all wet!

Woodburn's homemade canoe
wasn't seaworthy.

We hit some rapids,
and it broke apart.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

We were at the mercy
of the current,

gasping for air
as we bounced

between rocks
and other boaters.

And they all just
laughed at us.

Canoeists are not
a good people.

I'm so sorry.

For what?
For the hour

that I spent clinging
to a branch

so that I wouldn't
go over a waterfall?

Or for the fact that
you threw a barbecue without me?

Oh, this?

- Mmm-hmm.
- What? No, no.

Murray just decided
to throw an impromptu meat-fest.

You know, he's so
fun and spontaneous.

He is famously
none of those things.

You pawned me off
so you didn't have to invite me.

We have been
spending a lot of time...

I get it.
Too much John.

Well, guess what?
You don't get any John!

Except if you have another
John in your social orbit.

I mean, it is quite
the common name!

My mom couldn't
handle knowing she hurt Mr. Glascott,

so she dragged me
next door to make it right.

I get that you have
constant issues

with everybody,
but why am I here?

Just need a little
cover story to get us inside.

Any chance I can get
a little heads up on whatcha got cooking?

And the door's opening.

Landlord.

Landlord's son.

- Hi.
- Can we come in?

I'm sorry. I only allow friends into
my private domain.

We can do our nasty business
right here.

I really wish I could just
get a hint

about what's
going on here.

Adam needs to check
the rat traps.

What?!
Why me?

Because your snuggly little
boy body

still fits in
the crawl space.

The doctor said
I'm still growing.

Well, until then,
off to the dark you go.

Fine. Just make it quick.

I was about to wash my bird's
tiny mirror.

Here's a bag in case
you find anything.

And a mallet, so you can...

- You know.
- I don't know!

And these are things
that should have been discussed beforehand!

So...
How are things?

Well, things are fine...

Oh, how dare you?

Trying to lure
me in with

a classic
conversation starter.

- About the barbecue...
- Stop.

If you're feeling
guilty, don't.

I don't need your
friendship.

I'm aces, baby!

I'm so lonely.

I'm so lonely.

But my bird,
on the other hand...

Relax, girl.
You'll find someone.

It's clear the bird
is just repeating something you said.

Parrots don't do that.

Of course they do.
It's called "parroting."

I'm so lonely.

Nap time.

She just loves to ****
with me.

John, we could have
had lots of different folks live next door.

But I chose you.
Do you know why?

No, but I hope
it's gonna make me feel better,

because I really don't want to cry
in front of you.

I wanted to be
your neighbor.

- You did?
- Yes.

And I am sorry
about the barbecue.

I should have
just been honest.

But you have been coming on
a little strong.

"A little strong"?

I've been a lunatic.

I was just so happy
to get a fresh start.

I only wanted to impress you
and be your friend.

That's the whole point.
We already are friends.

Dang it, now I am
gonna cry.

Come on, why don't you
come by the barbecue?

There are still some neighbors
you haven't met yet.

Thank you, Beverly.
I'd love that.

Coming through!

I'm not even sure
what it is, but its eyes are so wet!

Hey, can we talk?

Look, I'm so sorry
about the movie.

No, it's okay.

I wasn't as helpful
with Barry

because the truth is,
I was scared.

Really?

I know it's just Barry,
but the minute you said

"parent practice,"
I freaked out.

It came to you
so easily,

and everything I did
seemed wrong.

Well, it may have
seemed that way, but I freaked out, too.

You did?

The more Barry needed us,

the more I imagined
what it'd really be like.

Well, I always
assumed we'd make great parents,

but I guess we'll never know
until we get there.

Guys!

- Oh, my God, is he...
- Walking on his own?

Come to us!
One step at a time.

You got this, bud.
I'm scared.

We're here for you.

- Keep going!
- You got this.

I did it!

- I did it!
- You sure did, champ. You sure did.

We are so proud of you.

Oh, guys, you know,
thank you so much

for taking care of me.

You're really
great at it.

All right, now,
move out the way.

I'm gonna try to
make it to the fridge.

Life is filled
with obstacles.

Including the ones
we put in front of ourselves.

Like when we
try too hard,

desperate for
everything to be perfect,

or when we
don't try at all

because we're
afraid to fail.

But no matter what,

the first steps to success
are easier to take

when the people you care
about are right by your side.

♪♪ Catch my fall ♪♪

Sync corrections by srjanapala

- What are you doing?
- Studying my nemesis.

Leaves.

Well, as always...
What?

For future emergencies,
I need to be able to tell

which are poisonous
and which are not.

You see,
poison ivy is, uh...

Dammit!
You distracted me!

Don't worry, I can tell.

Just scoop them up
and hand them to me.

Come on, not like that.

You got to
mix 'em up first.

Really shuffle 'em good.

That makes sense.

Uhp, you got something
on your face.

Is it off?

Nope, other side.

How 'bout now?

That's perfect,
my man.

I'll go get
the ointment.

Damn it!