The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - The William Penn Years - full transcript

Adam is recruited to film his high school's final football game of the year--and fails to capture his team's winning touchdown; Beverly discovers that her neighbor is moving and she's determined to buy his home.

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ADULT ADAM: Growing up,
I hated sports.

And it wasn't just
that I was unathletic
and uncoordinated, but...

Yeah, okay,
that was most of it.

Why are the halls bustling?

Everyone's pumped
for Friday's big game
against Germantown.

It's the one day
the jocks high-five me
instead of low-two me.

- What's a low-two?
- Ah, nice try!

That court document
is sealed.

I'm gonna face-paint
a football on one cheek
and a helmet on the other.

Or more likely,
just wear something blue.

Is this about
barbaric football?

Adam, this is a big deal.

It's the seniors' last game

and a memory
that they'll share forever.

Good luck having
any memories

with so many traumatic
head injuries!

CORBETT: Excuse me?

There they are,
my cognitively awesome bros.

We're too pumped up
to even hear

your high-pitched
voice right now!

going down!

Quaker football
for life!

Chest bump!

ALL: Wha!

Uh, hello?

Our chests are waiting
to be bumped.

Thank you, no.
But I will give you
an actor's bow.

And it's happening!

Mr. Goldberg,
off the floor.

This is a school,
not a street corner.

on your own time.

Principal Ball,
you're all riled up

about this dumb game,

Hell to the yes!

This is the one day
of the year

we put
our Quaker values aside

and hope that Germantown's
quarterback tears his ACL.

This is been a healthy
give and take.

No, no, no, no, no.
I need you
to film the game.

Yeah, our AV teacher
is going to a wedding
in Ann Arbor this weekend,

leaving Friday and taking
the whole day off.

Sometimes you need
a travel day.

Don't take his side.
He's not even a groomsman.

Sports aren't really
my thing.

You know, that nice
admissions lady from NYU

would just hate to hear
that one of their wait-listed
students passed up a chance

to be of service because
it wasn't his "thing."

Since when do you
play hardball, Ball?

Since we haven't beat
Germantown since 1924!

And, yeah, back then,
the game was called
"Who's Got the Peanut?"

and women weren't allowed
in the stands,

but this is our year!

Fine, I'll film the thing.

Germantown is going down!

Hey, chest bump!

Not again!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

October 13th,

With Erica engaged
and living with Geoff,

it was time to clean out
her childhood bedroom.

Keep. Ugh, big toss.

[GASPS] Bup-bup.

Strawberry Shortcake,

For shame.

You've been sniffing her
since you were six.


Fruit baby.

Never mind, I'll just put her
on my keep pile.

You realize putting everything
from my trash pile

into your keep pile makes
all this pointless?

I got a system,

which is not to let my baby
flush her precious memories

down the toilet.

Mom, it's obvious
you're really upset

because your
most attractive child

will never live under
your roof again. Ever.

You'll be back,
because I still have

the one thing
you need most.



You may want to try money.


Jane Bales.

I didn't say your name
three times

while looking in a mirror.


I see you still haven't
updated your decor...

Or face.

Is there something
you needed,

or do goblins just
trick-or-treat year-round?

As you know, I have
a thriving real estate empire,

hence the gold jacket, which
exudes opulence and success.

And doesn't at all
make you look like

a valet from Atlantic City.

[CHUCKLES] I'm not
letting you sell my home.

This moldy box of
off-brand furniture?

Oh, God, no.

I'm the agent for
the house next door,

and I need you
to mow your lawn.

Our lawn is fine.


I keep thinking
Shoeless Joe Jackson's

going to come out of it
and play baseball.

Wait, Arnie Wofsy's moving?

To Palm Springs.

Well, Palm Desert.

People say it's the same,
but it is not.

So there's an open house?

Yes, but steer clear.

I don't want
any potential buyers

to meet the riffraff
they share a fence with.

You get it.
You've seen you.


Murray, Wofsy's moving.

What the hell's a Wofsy?

You know Arnie Wofsy.

He's lived next door
to us for 20 years.

That guy's a putz.
He's got my rake.

Well, you can ask for it back
at the open house.

It's the last shot I have
to quietly judge the inside
before someone moves in.

You mean I gotta
get up and walk
all the way next door?

And put on shoes.

Oh, it just keeps
getting worse. [GRUMBLES]

my mom dragged my dad
to the open house next door.

Oh, my God.
Can you believe this place?

They even have a drawer
just for batteries.

They got the AAs, the Ds,
and even the square ones.

This brochures says
there's a pool, a sauna,
and a chef's kitchen.

Can you imagine
what I would do

with meats
and cheeses in here?

I already have.

And they got a TV in
the half-bath off the den.

Well, if you like
that little fella,

you should check out
the media room.

Media room?

It is a space
dedicated to television.


Complete with
sumptuous leather chairs,

a full-size fridge,
and stadium seating

so that no one can ever
block your view.

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

I know.

I had no idea
all this was here.

Why weren't we friendly
with the Wofsys?

Friendly? Who wants to be
friendly with their neighbors?

Hello, Goldbergs.

Ah, it's the guy from,
uh, the thing that I know.

I'm your child's
guidance counselor,

John Glascott.
You know me.

If you say so.

Are you in the market
for a new home?

Oh, I wish.
I'm your classic

I'm currently living above
a Bengali restaurant.

The intense spices
permeate my bedroom,

causing a rare condition
called "curry eye."

Ugh. Now I know
things about you.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Never have before.

I want to live here.

- What?
- This house is incredible.

The kids are moving out,
but if we live here,

they'll want to
move back in.

That doesn't seem
like the right reason,

but I do love
the media room.

Love is real!


- Murray.
- Wofsy.

Quite a house
you have here.

- And?
- We want to buy it.

Way under asking
and with multiple

Thank you for accepting.

Not a chance in hell.

We can negotiate
the price.

I would never sell
to the likes of you.

What is happening?

I'll show you to the lovely,
solid mahogany door,

which is a real showpiece
for the entryway,

or in your case,
the exit way.

It's an open house.

It's a closed house.

Dang it! This is
my air-conditioning time.

But why?
We haven't spoken
to you in years.

Ask your husband.

Come to think of it,

it might have been me
that took his rake.

You better fix it.

I want this house,

Oh, my.

I came for
the fresh-baked cookies,

but I'm leaving with
fresh-baked drama.

And a cookie.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom's
dream was crushed,

I was ready to crush
my video assignment.

Go, physically gifted people
who live in my area!

You sure you're
going to be able
to follow all the action?

Uh, I've seen Wildcats
with Goldie Hawn, so maybe.

You make everything
less fun.

We're gonna go
find a seat.

What's wrong
with up here?

Sorry, babe.
The top row
of the bleachers

is for weirdos
and oddballs.

- And superfans!
- No, Barry!

You graduated
three years ago.

This is
the alumni section...

Former students
and honored graduates

who've gone on
to make something
of themselves

and like to give back.

Give back?

What could you possibly
have to offer?

My encouraging screams.

And we are
seconds away, folks.

ADULT ADAM: I had to admit,
that night, there was
an energy in the air.

Had I been wrong?
Were sports exciting?

And here is the kickoff!


Does not return.

It was boring as hell.

Here's the snap.

Nope. Dead ball.

Oh, so slow.

Which led me to get distracted
by just about anything.

[LAUGHS] I have to say it,
that is a handsome pigeon.

My Spanish teacher's really
mowing down that snow cone.

That dude
in the opposite stands
looks like Carl Weathers.

Scoreboard zoom!

Hot pigeon is back!

Strut your stuff,
my fetching friend!

This is it, folks.
Six ticks left on the clock.

Looks like the Quakers
are about to lose
another heartbreaker.

There's the snap.

Walls drops back.

And he fumbles!

But wait,

Corbett, he squirts
out of the pile!

Whoa, look at the veins
on Principal Ball's head.

He laterals back
to Spink!

He's really getting into it.

Spink back to Walls, and...

And there's daylight!
There's daylight!


Touchdown! Touchdown!

What are we
so excited about?

Is the band coming back
on the field?

We won! We won!

I'm going down there.

Maybe a lineman will give me
a hip pad as a souvenir!

Oh, [BLEEP].

ADULT ADAM: While I missed
the biggest play ever,

my dad was taking a swing
making nice with the neighbor.

Hey, Wofsy.

Here's your rake.
Are we good?

This isn't my rake.
This is a small hand rake.

I loaned you
a full-size leaf rake.

A rake's a rake.

Every autumn,
I love gathering
all the fallen leaves.

I build a big pile,
and sometimes,
I frolic in it.

You took that from me.

Fine. I'll buy you
another rake

so you can do
your upsetting
leaf business.

Oh, it's not just the rake.

Your kids hit a million balls
and Frisbees over my fence,

and for some reason,
three hockey nets.

You could have
tossed them back over.

I did, and they hit them back,

and then they say,
"We're playing
fence volleyball."

That's between
you and them.

And what about
the avocado tree?

I love guacamole, okay?
Is that a crime?

No, but dangling
your youngest child
from a ladder

to steal your neighbor's
tree treasure is.

Screw this! Screw you!

I need my special
hand-rake back.

Choke on my guac,

I can't, Wofsy!
'Cause you ran out!

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
dropped the ball,

I was hoping a test audience
wouldn't notice
my costly fumble.


Touchdown! Touchdown!

What the hell is this?

Why are we looking
at Principal Ball?

Well, Principal Ball's
unbridled enthusiasm

distracted me from
the handsome pigeon
I was filming.

You were filming
a pigeon?

You didn't see
this pigeon.

Birds do have
a mesmerizing way.

Shut up, Matt Bradley.

Birds are the roaches
of the sky.

Is it that bad?

Because the school wants
to do a post-game pep rally

and show the game
at lunch tomorrow.

I'd probably just leave
the country if I were you.

I mean, they're going to hunt
you down wherever you go,

but see a little bit
of this crazy world first.

You should also
change your name.
Maybe Xander Hamlin?

Oh, he can't pull off Xander.
Maybe Bernard or a Chester.

I'm not moving
out of the country

and living a different life
as a Chester.

Then there's only
one solution.

Come clean and...

We re-create
the play on video.

Yes. That sounds reasonable
to me in this moment.

But we're
just four dudes.

Four dudes with the raw skill
and physical perfection
of a varsity football team.

Plus, with
my slick editing,

no one will know
the difference, probably.

ADULT ADAM: At least
that's what I'd hoped,

but they knew the difference,

and were not afraid
to express their opinion.


Dude, what did you do?

A seamless re-creation?

That's clearly your brother
and his idiot friends!

One of them's
wearing jeans!

I'll handle this.

Relax! Sports don't matter!


ADULT ADAM: My brother
couldn't help me fix
my big sports screw-up,

so I had to
step up to the plate
and face the high heat...

Whatever that means.

This is the worst thing
that ever happened
to our school

since the witch burnings.

You're lucky we don't
do that anymore.

I'd be a warlock.

That's what they call
male witches.

Just FYI,
if it comes up socially.

When would it come up

At a Wiccan cocktail party?

Perfect example,
but I'm still furious.

What if we just lob a call
to Germantown Prep
and redo the game?

That's your solution?

Look, I don't want to
overstate this,

but you have killed
our school spirit forever!

I can fix that.

What is spirit anyway

if not something dead
that comes back
to haunt people?

But in a good way.

Stop speaking in tongues,

I'll make a new video
of the seniors

sharing their joyful
William Penn experiences.

Why should I give you
another shot?

like our football team,

you love the story
of an underdog

coming from behind
for a big win.

But if you don't reinvigorate
our student spirit,

I'm calling NYU
and showing them
the pigeon video.

The stakes
are weirdly high.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
I set off to win back
my classmates.

Yo, Walls! Senior year!
Hit me with your
favorite memory.

Eat a hot, wet dog turd,

Which they weren't
exactly happy about.

You ruined my life.

I was gonna put that
in my hype reel
to get into SMU!

Here's a senior quote...

"Every second
of every day,

"I want to kick you
in the head."

I say this
as an educator...

You [BLEEP] up.


While my peers rejected me,

my mom was looking
for a little help
from her friends.

Okay, Wofsy
won't sell to us,

so, Ginzy, I need you to put
the house in your name

and I will pay you back
over many, many years
at little to no interest.

this is book club.

We're talking about
Toni Morrison's Beloved.

Well, I would be-love-it
if you would just do it.

- how's your credit?
- Bad.

Then I'm tapped out.
Anyone else?

Why don't you seduce him
with home-cooked meals
and baked goods?


Essie actually
seduces him.

Excuse me, now?

Come on, you're single
and ready to mangle.

Let's fix your hair and makeup
and send you over there.

What's wrong with
my hair and makeup?

Mom, I shouldn't have
to say this again,

but sending your friends
to do adult favors
is no way to get a house.

Do you have any better ideas?

Ooh, write a letter.

That's what my parents did
when they bought their house.

Lou and I wrote a note
that was so moving
and heartfelt

that the nice, old lady
wept in my arms.

Of course.
A heartfelt letter. Oh.

But instead of
Geoff's stupid idea,
we'll do my thing.

Kids, follow me.

I'm insulted,
but along for the ride.

ADULT ADAM: And so my mom
took a shot at doing
what she does best...

Emotional manipulation.

Listen, I know you
have issues with Murray,

but I gotta tell you
the real reason
we need this house.

- What's that?
- We're pregnant.

- The hell?
- Mom!

They're shy about it,
but it's true.

Erica is with child.

I can't feel my body.

How far along are you?

Oh, far enough along
to know the clock is ticking,

and they cannot start a family
in that dingy studio apartment

with asbestos and raccoons,
right, Erica?

Uh, poison,
woodland creatures,
and a baby...

It could all be true.

I loved having
my grandkids close.

Then my son-in-law
dragged them away
to the desert

so he could start
a magic club.

Idiot. With his cards
and illusion cabinet.

Well, these two
aren't going anywhere.

Or stopping at one.

She's got about,
uh, five to seven
more to spit out.

She definitely
knows my body.

Have you ever heard
of a family bed?

Well, ours is gonna
fit three generations.

Oh, speaking of three,
let's talk numbers.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
made headway with Wofsy,

I needed a new way
to restore school spirit.

Hot... Hype!

Every second
of every day,
I want to...

- ADAM: What do we think?
- I love it.


I'm talking about
my giant Tootsie Roll.

Your video is crap.

Stupid sports
ruin everything!

It's not sports' fault.

In fact,
you actually love sports.

For example,
what's this?

That's my costume from
Jesus Christ Superstar.

I played Unnamed Apostle.

That's your jersey.

- And this is?
- My playbill from The Wiz.

The school paper said
my performance

was "alarmingly insensitive."

See? That's your program.

And the script
is your playbook.

The stage
is your playing field,
the cast is the team,

and the audience
is the crowd.

I get it.
Theater is my sport.

Only one problem,
football sucks.

To you.
But for a lot of people,

it's their best memory
of high school.

I mean, what if some jerk
took your precious
musical away?

I wouldn't have
that permanent rash
from that cat costume,

but I see what
you're saying.

ADULT ADAM: As I set out
with a new plan,

my parents went about
the business of selling
our old house.

You know, usually,
during open houses,

the homeowner
isn't around, and yet,

uh-heh, here you are.

Work around me.[DOORBELL RINGS]


Hi, welcome! Come on in!

Thanks. [LAUGHS]

- So much character.
- Mm-hmm.

Banister's a little wonky,

You'll definitely want
to replace that

with maybe something
tasteful and not gross,

but the house
has good bones.

Just terrible skin and teeth
and furniture and room flow.

Ugh. And the carpet.

Oh, yeah.
It's from a crime scene.

Let's pop into the kitchen
and see what else
we can rip the ass out of.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
that one open house
did make a sale...

To my dad.

Old man Wofsy
took the bait.

10% over asking in cash!

[GRUNTS] Look out, block!
The Goldbergs are upsizing!

We're moving!

No, we're not.

ADULT ADAM: After messing up

and becoming the most
hated kid in school,

I had one final shot
for a legendary comeback.


I know none of you
want to be here,

but there's one senior
who just won't quit.


So, I know
we'll never have video

of the amazing thing
our football team
did that day.

I'm sorry.

I just figured, if I lost
one special moment,

maybe I could help
find a few more.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
I didn't know if I'd graduate
with everyone hating me,

but I figured that with
a great song,

I could remind everyone
that our time together
was truly a wonder.

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune?

ADAM: Looking back, I'm amazed
at the time we've spent here,

that we've gotten to
grow up together
at William Penn Academy.

What else can I say about
our class other than...

There wasn't
another one like it.

♪ Try not to sing out of key

♪ Oh, baby, I get by

♪ I get by with a little help
from my friends

♪ All I need is my buddies

♪ I get by with a little help
from my friends... ♪

Some of us have been together
since first grade,

and most
haven't changed a bit.

It's funny how, even if
we weren't close friends,

we were all connected.

That's what makes
this place special.

The people,

and that's what
we'll take away.

William Penn
has taught us lots...

That is,
when we paid attention.

We learned that life
is about messing up,

getting up, growing up.

Yeah, we're all just kids with
our whole lives ahead of us,

but the William Penn years,
they really were the best.




ALL: Seniors! Seniors!
Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!


Nice work,
Mr. Goldberg.

You might really
have a future
in this kind of thing.

ADULT ADAM: Maybe I did.

Murray, I don't get it.
You wanted that house, too.

I did.

Until that mean lady realtor

wanted to replace
the banister.

So? It is wobbly.

Tear down the banister

where little moron Barry
got his head stuck?

No, thank you.

You remember that?

Of course I remember that.
I remember everything.

That stain in the carpet
that they want to pull out,

that's from Adam
being an idiot,

and that chip in the wall
that they want to replace,

that's from
Erica's stupid head.

Oh, Murray.

No media room is worth
losing all of that.

This is our broken-down,
busted-up house.

It's perfect.

You're not moving?


I thought I could
trick you

into spending
more time with me,

but I can't leave
these memories.

Mom, we'll go,
but no matter what,

we'll always come back.

This is our home
forever, too.


But I already wrote
the check to Wofsy.

Oh, damn it.

Well, I guess you guys
will have to live next door.

Yeah, no.

Your little pregnancy
performance earlier

made living next to you
seem not so great.

It was the family bed for me.

Then I think I have
another idea.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
you can think about the future
and still hold onto the past.


Looking back at high school,
we were all different people
with different interests,

but we shared a certain bond,

not because of where
we'd come from,

but because of the years
we had spent together.

Because in the end,
all that matters
is the people.

Sure, they may come and go
throughout the course
of our lives...

Oh, howdy,

you like bird-sitting.

...but the memories
they create are forever.


ADAM: The Wonder Years
is the best.

Who doesn't love a kid looking
back at his formative years

with... I'm just gonna
say it... Wonder?

Except I don't buy
Kevin and Winnie.

It's like,
why is she with him?

What? He's a loveable

with timeless
and deceptive charm.

Ehh. He's short
and has a weird voice.

Plus, he's got that
really annoying best friend.

Paul's the breakout

If anyone's annoying,
it's the older brother.

Wayne rules.

I like the way he doesn't
think anything through.

I'm a fan of
the older sister.

Why don't they give her
more stories?