The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Riptide Waters - full transcript

Mr. Glascott embarks on a mission to petition the neighborhood to close down the local water park and Barry plots to thwart his efforts; Erica is faced with frustration as Beverly takes over her wedding planning.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
water parks were the peak
of childhood fun.

They were wet, wild,
and incredibly dangerous.

what were we thinking?


Adam, do you have
a moment

to talk about
our Lord and Savior?

Joshin'. [CHUCKLES]

I am here to talk about
something way less urgent

than your holy salvation...
Our local water park.

Riptide Waters?

I'm here gathering signatures
to shut the park down.

Would you care to add
your Johnny Hancock?

BARRY: Hell no.

Riptide Waters
is a beloved institution.

I spent many a summer
splashing, sunning,

and forcing Adam
down slides

he wasn't legally
tall enough
to go down.

Can't see tears
when you're dripping wet.

Well, your
"beloved institution"

is the reason
I tore my rotator cuff.

How'd you do it?

Were you running against
the lifeguard's orders?

I was merely riding
my favorite slide,
the Atomic Tsunami.

The Atomic Tsunami rules.

I hit a dry spot
in the Funnel Tunnel

and found myself
stuck backwards
in complete darkness.

A mere ribbon of light
to let me know

that I was still
of this earth.

I couldn't figure out the
handle on a porta-potty
once, so I feel ya.

First person to crash into me
was a boy named Oliver.

We had a moment
to introduce ourselves.

Then came the others.

Dear God.

That's what I said,
over and over again,

as teen after slippery teen

slammed into
my contorted body.

So how did you get out and
end up here whining about it?

Finally, the pressure
became too much

and we exploded
down Wizard's Wash.

Alone and terrified,
I also realized

that I swallowed a tremendous
amount of water and Band-Aids.

Alone? You were
there by yourself?

Who I was with or not with
is not the takeaway here.

It's not not the takeaway.

Don't spin this.

I was the one who was
gruesomely injured.

And when I tried
to complain

to the smug and tan teen
manning the slide,

he blew his whistle
sharply at me.

That's Blake.
He's hilarious.

You are intentionally
ignoring the gravity
of this situation.

Yeah, we are,
'cause we're going
to the water park.

Trumpets of revelation!
How could you do that?

Your hilarious story
has reminded me

how awesome
Riptide Waters is.

Ad, get your water
shoes, your nose plug,
and your swim bonnet.

- Chop, chop.
- It's not a swim bonnet.

It just happens to billow
in the back

and also ties
around my neck.

That sure sounds
like a bonnet.

And it doesn't matter.

Because I'm not going
anywhere near that place.

Then who am I supposed to
ride down the slide with,

two-man human-canoe style?

You mean when you sat
on me and used me
as a raft to go faster?

So many cherished screams.

No thanks.

I need to figure out
how to get off
the NYU waitlist

because my guidance counselor
spends all his time
alone in his swim trunks.

If I don't have a healthy
work-life balance,

I am no good to you.

What's the big rush
to go to college?

- You're 15.
- I'm almost 18!

You're my baby brother.

I think I know
better than you
how old you are.

It is surprising when Adam
says his real age.

It's like, "Wha?"

Anyway, someone wanna
- sign this thing?
- Never.

In fact, I'm starting
a counter petition
to keep the park open.

- That's not how it works.
- Out you go!

Ow! That's my good shoulder!

Who's gonna do
my household chores?

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was October 6th,

and my mom and sister
were excited

to plan Erica's wedding.

They just couldn't agree
on the specifics.

Or anything, really.

Okay, let's add
some beautiful marigolds,

or as we,

in the floral industry,

refer to them as

"teardrops from heaven."

I like those.
What do you think, Mom?

I think we,
outside the floral industry,

refer to those as
"crapdrops from Crapville."

Another, uh, visit
to Crapville.

I know what we need.

Opulence, luxury,

and all the orchids
on the Eastern seaboard.

Orchids are pretty

So am I.

Which would you
rather deal with?

Uh, don't I
get a say in this?
I'm the bride.

So? I made the bride.

None of this would be possible
without my flexible pelvis.

Such powerful imagery.

If only my head was like
an Etch A Sketch.

Nope. Still there.

Control your body, Geoff.

And this is my special day.

You don't get to
choose stuff.

I get to choose
all the stuff.

Then why don't you
get married to Geoff?

BEVERLY: He should
be so lucky.

I'd be an excellent
life partner

for your young beau.

This won't creep into
my anxiety dreams tonight.

See ya there.

Yo. Erica's special friend.

- I'm sorry?
- You should be.

You're blocking my eye line.

I can't see what Small Wonder
has to say.

She may be a tiny robot,

but she's big on life advice.

Speaking of which,

Erica and Mrs. G are really
going at it in there.

Should I intervene?

I have a policy

about not getting involved

in anything in any way,

especially when it comes

to mothers and daughters.

That's worked for you?

I'm silently watching TV
with my best friend, aren't I?

We haven't uttered a word

to each other in five hours.

So I'm supposed to just watch
my future bride lose her mind

while I shop
for cummerbunds?

Look who's
the small wonder now.

If you're worried about

how to support your betrothed,

there's one thing you can do.

Marriage class.

You think
that could help us?

It helped me and Dolores.

Now I'm only
slightly terrified

when she says we have to talk.

I live my life
in constant terror!

Then let this be
my gift to you.

A five-pack of sessions

with esteemed
relationship expert, Dr. Carl.

He sounds very good.

He might be the best.

Or the only person
that does this in the area.

The only lesson the boy needs

is to buy a chair,
sit in it, and shut up.

Ugh! I can't believe
- that woman!
- Good news.

I know a way to support you
and for us to grow

even closer as a couple...

Dr. Carl's marriage class.

The doctor part
might not be official,

but he did lock down
a multi-use room

with a nice selection
of teas.

So, do you wanna grow
as a couple over
some Earl Grey?

I have another idea.

You go by yourself,
and you learn how
to not give me

one more thing to do while
I'm fighting with my mother
and planning a wedding.

I'll go by myself.

- I'm sure it's not weird.
- Oh, it will be.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
had left Geoff high and dry,

the fight over Riptide Waters
raged on.

Why, hello, young lady.
Is your mother home?

Well, aren't you
a big ball of charm.

I am playful, but to be clear,

I am here with a petition
for you to sign.

Stop. Don't sign
that man's dumb thing.

Sign my dumb thing.[SIGHS]

Barry Troublemaking Goldberg,
what are you doing?

Just keeping
Riptide Waters open

for future generations
to enjoy.

Every child deserves
water fun

in a barely supervised

Incorrect. All 50 acres are
an aquatic torture chamber.

Ooh! You know how
Gravity Falls dumps out
into an actual river?


I once hit a trout
who swallowed
my wedding ring.


It's a hazard for child
and odd lady alike.

Yeah, I'm gonna sign neither
and shut the door.

Yes! Your loss is my win.

Plus, I've already gotten
like 700 signatures.

These aren't
real signatures.
"Pete Zapaya"?

He's a romantic
Italian gentleman.

"John A. Signature"?

The entire Signature family
is behind me.

"The Real Charles Barkley"?

He wouldn't sign
his name like that.

I was surprised, too,
but here it is in ink.

I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna knock on
every door in town

until that park
is closed.

Not if I knock
on them first.

- Youthful run!
- Dang it!

and Mr. Glascott
were hitting the streets,

Geoff was returning home
with good news.

I did it. I went to
Dr. Carl's marriage class
all by myself.

You're coming in
with a lot of energy
I can't match,

so get it all out now.

After the super awkward
first ten minutes

convincing them
you were real,

I gained
a greater understanding

of how to be a supportive
partner to you.

And I'm all for
whatever you just said,

but [SIGHS] sorry,

my mom's trying on
her dress for the wedding,
and I'm worried.

Don't. All eyes
will be on you.

♪ Here comes the mom

♪ Here comes the mom ♪

What do you think?

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Don't worry. I know
it seems tight
in through here,

but it's still
roomy enough
at the bottom

for me to do
my dance solo.

It's white.

It is egg cream.

It's clearly a bridal gown.

Do you want me
to coordinate
with you or not?

We're practically
twin sisters,

or so I expect to hear.

It's supposed to be my day.

And it will be. Mostly.

You are unbelievable.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Geoff had a choice.

Do nothing
like my dad suggested,

or stand up
and support his wife

like he learned
from Dr. Carl.

Mrs. Goldberg, I have to say
something you need to hear.

Oh, my.

Are you gathering yourself
right now, Geoffrey?


Your spine doesn't have
that usual candy cane shape.

I love your daughter,

and I want this wedding
to be a positive experience
for her,

so I am respectfully
asking you
to take a step back.


I see.

Message received.

Uh... Okay.

That went well.

What went well?

Your loving
and supportive fiance

just asked your mother
to take a step back.

A step back?

As in backwards?

As in away
from the wedding?

Why is your tone
so haunting and ominous?

It went well.
She even said, "I see."

This is bad.

This is really bad.

"I see." She saw.

Even if she says she saw,
she never sees.

- I see.
- Do you?

I see that I saw differently
that she said she saw.

- What?
- I don't know!

Erica, it has come
to my attention

that your fiance
hates me

and wants nothing more
to do with me.

That's not what I said.

I've been kicked out
of your lives forever.

An old bottle of Mountain Dew
hucked out the window

and left to yellow and fade
on the highway of life.

I love Mountain Dew.
It's not just a beverage,
it's a lifestyle.

Here are holiday, birthday,
and get-well cards

for my yet-to-be-conceived

Make sure they know my name,
my face, and my story of loss.

If you need me,
I will be crying
in my room for eternity.

The hell, dude?

Dr. Carl would say
find the positive here.

With your mother
less involved,

now we can
plan the wedding
that you want.

I guess that would be nice.

There we go. "Nice."

"Awesome's" slightly
less exciting cousin.

Okay, let's do it.

Wedding stuff.

I can't believe
I was worried

just 'cause Dr. Carl
wears a leather sun hat.

was heeding the lessons
of his new therapist,

I was seeking the guidance
of my favorite counselor.

Mr. Glascott,
you have a minute?

Uh, sure. Let me
just put these away.

Ow. Oh. Oh.

Ow! King of kings!

My buttocks.

I know about your shoulder,
but what happened to your...

Delicate rump?

It's a delayed injury
from the water slide.

I woke up this a.m.
with a purpled haunch.

I'm just gonna start.

I need to juice up
my high school resume
if I'm gonna get into NYU.

Getting involved in a cause

or a charity
always looks good.

And right now,
there's a lone, broken man
fighting the good fight,

and he sure
could use some help
collecting signatures.

That's a great idea.

I'll help Barry
save the water park.

I'm talking about me.

But Barry's on the side
of an adored local business.

You're like
the mean, old developer

trying to close down
the community center.


I can't even afford
two pieces of bread.

Every sandwich I make
is open-faced.

I say it's bruschetta,
but it is not.

Have you considered
folding the bread?

Just go do your thing!

Aw, my fundament.

Barry! I'm helping you
save Riptide Waters!

Oh, finally!

My hand's cramping up
from copying all these names
out of the phone book.

But we won't need
fake signatures.

We need to
paint a picture

of what this park
really means to people.

Like a mural
of different faces
on a downtown wall?

No, Barry.
- We're making a movie.
- Better.

And I only wasted
three days of college on this.

ADULT ADAM: Geoff and Erica
had cut my mom
out of the wedding planning

and were hoping the rest
would be a piece of cake.

Mmm. What do you think?

- I don't know.
- It's rich.

Moist. Chocolatey.

But is it chocolatey enough?

It's called
"Death By Chocolate," so...

So, it's too chocolatey?

What if a dog
gets ahold of it?

How many dogs
are gonna be
at our wedding?

What if the caterers
are blind?

- All of them?
- It could happen.

How many seeing eye dogs
have to die

for our one day
of happiness, Geoff?

Mine's spongy.

Why are you here again?

It's a cake tasting.
Need I explain?

- I can't do this.
- Babe, it shouldn't
be this hard.

It wouldn't be
if you hadn't fired my mom.

She was making you

Not as miserable
as I am right now.

Tied in knots
about cakes

and your total indifference
about dogs.

I-I can't do this.

I told you so.

I was gonna say, "I'm not
gonna say I told you so,"

but this buttercream
is making me
a lot less sassy.

You're a wonderful resource.

It's mothers and daughters.

You're not gonna understand,
and you never will.

But Dr. Carl said...

Dr. Carl doesn't sound
like a real doctor.

He went to the
medical school of life.

The road was his teacher,

and he says
they still keep in touch.

Just stay out of it.

Fifty years of letting it
silently wash over you,
then you die.

That's the goal.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff's
wedding plans
were falling apart,

Barry and I
got the JTP together

to film a heartfelt
testimonial for our
favorite water park.

What's your favorite moment
at Riptide Waters?

I guess when I lost my trunks
on the water slide.

When I was made a junior
lifeguard at Full Moon Lagoon.

For me, it's the wave pool.

So, I'm just flying down
this slide a-and whoop!

There goes my shorts.

The girls gave me
a lot of attention
when I had that whistle.

Especially Stacy Leiberman.

One time,
I was under the water
for eight whole minutes.

[CHUCKLES] At least...
At least I think it was eight.

I-I've forgotten a lot
about that day.

The trunks are the only thing
really slowing you down
when you're on the slide,

so I just kept going
faster and faster.

You remember when Stacy
"went missing" in the Lagoon

and people were going crazy
and the park manager was like,

"You can swim, right?
Get in there."

I do remember sinking
to the bottom

and feeling really at peace.

And I just came shooting
out of that slide,

uh, skipped across the pool
like a stone across a lake.

I dove into that lagoon again
and again looking for Stacy,

but I couldn't...
I-I-I couldn't find her.

And then I saw my grandma,

a-and she had
this bright, warm light

coming from behind her,
but also from within.

I looked around for my suit,
but it was gone.

It doesn't make any sense,

but deep down,
I know the park took it.

At the end of the day,
the manager said
it was all a joke.

That Stacy was never
even there, and...

And I believed him.

I was just a boy.

I could smell
my grandma's perfume.

Although, it might have been
the aftershave

of the lifeguard
that was resuscitating me.

Then I noticed
everyone looking at me.

So many judging eyes.

I-I lied to myself
and embraced it.

I didn't want to,
but I had to.

I had to be Naked Rob.

I never saw Stacy again.

Did I die?

And cut, I guess?

Gentlemen, well done.

Your boring stories
are gonna save this place.

Maybe I'm not Naked Rob.

Maybe I'm just a boy
who lost his suit.

There's a darkness
in the corner of my soul.

Did I bring something
back with me?

Maybe we shouldn't be trying
to keep this place open.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry's dreams

of keeping the park
open faded,

Geoff fought to keep
their wedding planning

from turning into
a total nightmare.

Thank you both
for coming.

Uh, if this is
your apology bouquet

for balling up your hand
and punching me in the heart,

it is vastly too small.

I can't sit back
and watch you two
tear each other apart,

so I came up
with a solution.

From now on,
a totally neutral
third party

will be making
all of our decisions,

and her name is Penny.

She's gonna decide

A coin flip?

What if it flips
to the side
I don't want?

You haven't thought
this through, Geoff.

Studies show that people
who flip a coin

are more likely to follow
through with their decisions

and report higher
overall happiness.

My podiatrist's nephew
flipped a penny

right down his throat
one time.

It lodged in his intestines
and gave him copper poisoning.

Doctors had to remove
his intestinal tract

and hook his stomach directly
to his home's sewer pipe.

Now he lives and works
in the bathroom
as telemarketer.

His hours are as flexible
as his discharge hose.

None of that ever happened
to a human person,

but she does have a point.

I don't want to leave things
up to chance.

This is a simple
and elegant solution.

Back me up here,
Mrs. Kremp.

You're a sweet boy,
but I-I don't want to weigh in
on anything around here.

Don't marry in.

Let me demonstrate.

Heads, we go with marigolds.
Tails, we don't.

Oh, jillickers!
My cornea!

I'm so sorry.

I have a living scriptures
performance tonight!

Did you happen to see
where it landed?

The only thing I can see
is a blurry doofus

who doesn't know
how to flip a darn penny.

Now I have to go rinse out
my eyeball in the sink.

So it's settled.
Orchids it is.

No. I want marigolds.

Erica, you are
my whole heart
and my firstborn,

but you have
[BLEEP] for brains.

GEOFF: Enough!

Maybe the penny
was a bad idea,

but all you've been
doing is making
each other miserable.

I'm really excited
for our wedding,

but if you two
can't figure out
a way to get along,

then maybe we just
shouldn't have one.


I don't know.

It feels a little puffy.
Can either of you tell?

Looks the same way
it always does.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff's
attempt at peace
blew up in his face,

the water park's chances
at staying open
was fizzling out.

Mr. Glascott, with your
harrowing testimony,

and the signatures
from the concerned community,

you make quite a case.

If I can keep one person

from being pummeled
by human missiles,
it was worth it.

Stop the proceedings!

I have something to show

the honorable
Safety Board monsignors.

Stupid democracy.

The name of Riptide Waters
amusement park

has been besmirched.

Okay, this young man
obviously stumbled

into using "besmirched"

On this video,
you will find testimonials

un-smirching the heretofore
re-smirched virtues

of Riptide Waters.

Riptide Waters rules!

Rules! Rules! Rules!




Gravity, gravity, gravity.



Not mandatory.

Riptide Waters rules!

Water park saved.

It was not.

It is our opinion
that Riptide Waters
be shut down

at close of business

We lost? How?

I think Mr. Glascott made
a far more coherent case.

But on the bright side,
the NYU admissions department

should really appreciate
my attempt at activism.


Is that the only reason
you did this?

Bar, I'll miss
Riptide Waters, too,

but sometimes,
you have to move on.

Like you going off
to college.

What does that
have to do with this?

Don't you get it?

All those special times
are behind us.

Not just the water park.
Our whole childhood.

Even worse,
I'm the only one
who cares.

ADULT ADAM: After losing it
on my mom and my sister,

Geoff went to see
the only person
who'd listen... Dr. Carl.

Geofferoni! Did you
finally bring your
mysterious better half?

- No. It's just me again.
- That's okay, amigo.

Dr. Carl is happy to work
with the clay he has.

Ooh! I hear footsteps.

Hey. Sorry I'm tardy.

Dolores is in the car
applying eyeliner.

She just sent me in
to let everyone know

that I'm an insensitive man
who doesn't understand

that "you look tired"

is not a helpful
comment, so...

Erica? You're here?

And your parents are,
too, for some reason?

My dad thought
it would be a good idea

for us to talk it out
with a professional.

Or this guy, I guess.

Mr. G, you actually
did something?

Maybe I realized
that you're right.

You can't always sit
on the sidelines.

This is so exciting.

There are so many
things we can... Bup-bup-bup!

Not you.

This is about the girl
and her mother.

I'm a bit of a handful.

We both are.

Geoff, I'm sorry that
I didn't make it
here until now.

I'm incredibly lucky
to have someone

who cares so much
about my happiness.

- Aww.
- Now beat it.

The couple who really
needs counseling
is me and this one.

Let's go.

So, Geoff tells me
there's been a little
conflict lately.

I admit, sometimes,
I am very aggressive
in my style, taste, and tone,

but that's only because
I want the perfect wedding
for my baby.

The perfect wedding
would be if we could
plan it together.

I need you,
but I also need a voice.

I suppose
that makes sense.

DR. CARL: And I suppose
the road to healing

is just around
the next bend.

Let's go there together,
shall we?

I'm in. Hearing
other people's problems

reminds me that
mine aren't so big.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
and Erica were finally
sorting out their issues,

Barry was having one last day
at Riptide Waters.

Why the long line?

Apparently, some kid
with prescription swim goggles
is too afraid to go down.


Adam! Let me through!

I'm his brother,
future doctor,

and childhood hero!

Barry, what are you
doing here?

I heard you were
scared to go down.

Climb in my arms,

and I'll carry you past
your peers like a wet baby.

It's not fear.

I got up here and started
thinking about what you said.

You're right.
Our childhood
is slipping away.

It's crazy, but the moment
I go down this slide,

it's all over.

I've been thinking
about it, too,

and yeah, we're never
getting those times back.

- Now you're giving up, too?
- No. It's just...

Maybe we should stop
looking back

and start looking forward.

So we should make
new memories together?

Damn right.

No matter where
we are in the world
or how old we get,

or how erotically demanding
my supermodel wife is,

I'll always make time for you.

Me, too. [CHUCKLES]

So... One last trip
down the Atomic Tsunami?

Human canoe-style?

Is there any other way?

I'm asking.
Is there any other way?

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about memories.

Whether cherishing ones
from the past

or planning new ones
for the future,

when we share them
with the people we love,

life gets a little rosier.

Your colorful sweaters
have taken a confusing turn.

Oh, thank you.

I do
look amazing.

I didn't say that.

Great news.

My magic show was perfect!

Only two pigeons
didn't make it.

Adam, help me to the door.

My heels keep catching
on the fabric.

Oh, good.

My mom's going to school
as Madonna today.


Your mother's
wearing a wedding
gown to school.

Get over yourself.

You're marrying Mom.

I'm surprised

the state's
allowing this,

but I knew
this day would come.

Mazel tov,
you two.

Ohh, no.