The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - The Strangest Affair of All Time - full transcript

Back in the '80s,
the showDynasty was the best.

It had crazy wealth,
shoulder pads,

and endless lady fights.

And no one loved it more
than my mom.

Everyone, shut up!

We were sitting quietly.

But now you're talking.

Anticipate
my irrational anxiety, Adam.

It's Dynastynight!

I'll always be noiseless
for you, Mama.

Thank you, Barry.



And, tonight,
you are my favorite.

Damn it! Who the hell
is interrupting Dynastynight?

Ha ha! Hello, Beverly.
Hope I made it in time for kickoff.

Kickoff?

Oh, Murray's off touring
a suede factory in Tucson.

So I guess, "You'll get to
go to Tucson next time, Vic,"

means the time after that.

Boys, catch Vic up on Dynasty
in the next 30 seconds.

Buckle up!
Low-born nobody Krystle

marries silver fox
oil baron Blake Car ring ton.

Nick blames Blake
for his brother's suicide

in an Iraqi prison,

but, really, he just
wants to seduce his daughter.

Turns out, Fall on is alive,
but she has amnesia!



She goes by
Randall Adams now.

Blake and Nick fight
on a mountain,

Blake falls off a pony,
and totally dies.

Cecil and Alexis are all...

Oh! But then he has
a heart attack,

and he's all, "Ohh!"

Turns out, Liam is alive,
but he has amnesia!

Krystle and Alexis fight
before the Black and White Ball.

Krystle and Alexis fight on a mountain.
Krystle and Alexis fight in a mudslide.
Krystle and Alexis fight in a parlor.

And then they
find out they're all cousins.

- Cousins?
- It's starting!

A window into my palatial life
is starting! Ooh!

Ohh! Lack of preamble!

They start the show
with a slap?

Oh, the appeal
is evident.

Classic TV slap.

See how she uses
her downstage hand?

Totally fakes
the untrained eye.

We'll show ya.
How dare you steal my yacht?

He's delightfully added context
to the violence!

You're sleeping
with my chauffeur?

Nice! We're playing slapsies?
I want in on this.

No, no, no, no!

- Wrong hand!
- Oh!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say
*THE GOLDBERGS *

Season 09 Episode 17
Aired on: March 23, 2022.

Episode Title:
"The Strangest Affair of All Time"

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

It was March 23rd,
1980-something,

and with college
on the horizon,

it was time to fill out
my roommate questionnaire for NYU.

"Do you consider yourself
shy, fairly shy,

"neutral, fairly outgoing,
or outgoing?"

Good ol' neutral.

Okay, I'm just here
to do laundry.

Can you do whatever this is
on the driveway?

I'm trying to match
with my perfect roommate,

and it's impossible.

I mean,
look at this question.

"How comfortable are you
with nudity?"

You'll write in
"very."

Are you holding a kielbasa
in your bare hand?

Lucky for you,
I was peckish

for this Polish delight.

An improperly filled out
roommate questionnaire

can ruin
the rest of your life.

The sausage dummy's
right for once.

You fill that out wrong,
and you might wind up

living with someone
like you.

Isn't that the goal?

If you want to bunk up
with a social reject.

We love you,
but you suck, bro.

Then what am I supposed to do?

Make yourself look cool.

For example, smoking.

You check yes and no.

That's just confusing.

Confusion equals uncertainty,

which equals mystery,

which equals cool.

Huge news!

Carrie Fisher said yes
to your prom-posal

and now you have to find
a Han Solo-themed tuxedo?

Better! As you know,

I've been struggling to decide

between my 11
college acceptances.

Bragging is a form
of bullying.

But after taking
into account

who I could be going
to college with...

Don't tease me, Dave Kim!

I'm going to NYU, baby!

Yeah!

Beep-dop-ming-
bzzrt-unum-oomray.

Nep-sha-orkyay-
victus-erghbot.

Ha ha! Yeah!

What the hell
am I looking at?

We developed
our own private language

based on the sounds
of R2-D2 and Latin.

Both classical and pig.

We call it Artootin.

Good God, man.

Ah! To celebrate,
I'm gonna treat myself

to a new turtleneck
in NYU violet.

To the Sears
boys' section!

Wow. That all worked out.

Traitor! Traitor?

After all the effort
we put into helping you

the last two minutes?

Wha... This is a good thing.

I mean, after Brea

couldn't join me at NYU,

I thought I was
gonna be alone.

But now I have my rock!

Dave Kim is a rock...

A rock that will

weigh you down socially.

We're in college.
We know how this works.

Live with Dave Kim,

and you two will dweeb yourselves
into a dorky black hole

from which
you will never escape.

We do get a little lost
in each other sometimes.

I'm so glad you said that.

Now repeat it
back to yourself

and hear how strange
it sounds.

We do get a little lost
in each other sometimes.

Oh, balls! Mm.

I guess if we had
other roommates,

we could meet
more people.

There ya go!
Tell him that.

And we can introduce
our new friends to each other?

You won't, because
you'll be ditching him,

but that's another lie
he might believe.

I don't know.

We do.

We'll send this form in
and make a list of everything

that's wrong with Dave Kim.

You don't need to do that.

It's already done.
Up here.

As my siblings
were trying to get me to lose Dave Kim,

my mom was searching
for something

my dad lost at the store.

There she is!
What nosy business are you up to?

I'm looking
for our TV remote.

Murray instinctively
carries it with him everywhere.

Oh, bingo!

But the remote
wasn't all she found.

The is that?

Oh, that's our well-respected
coffee corner.

We have over two flavors.

I am familiar
with the coffee corner.

What I'm not familiar with
are those hideous mugs.

What happened to
the paper cups?

Jane thought that
those were, uh...

Oh, how did she put it?
Um, "a bag of ass."

Jane? Jane Bales?

Yeah, Janey has
tons of ideas,

which I'm happy
to indulge

because she's got the bod of
a department-store mannequin.

There's my king!
Oh, it's so decent of you

to consort with the sick
and the wretched.

Jane. Did the other witches
forget to tell you where

the coven was meeting again?

Fun stuff. Here I go.

Jane, what the hell do
you think you're doing

with those mugs?

Uh, I'm just classing up
the joint.

I mean, God knows
this store needs it.

This store is just fine.

This place
makes your home

look like
Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace
is in England,

and I'm just telling you
because I think you're provincial and dumb.

The only thing dumb is you thinking that
you have any say

in what goes on
around here.

I'm seeing
the Formica King.

Doesn't that make me
the Formica Queen?

How dare you?

The Ottoman Empire
was started by my father.

If anyone's queen,
it's me.

Says you. Ta!

Ooh!

This is just like season three,
episode seven of Dynasty!

You see it, too!

After spending too many waking hours
with the Car ring tons,

I can see that Jane Bales
is making a power play

of spectacular proportions.

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

Ooh,
my life really is just like Dynasty!

They have class and wealth
you'll never know,

but y-you are having a minor
skirmish with another lady.

As my mom
vowed to defend her empire,

it was time for me to hit
Dave Kim with some bad news.

Yo, yo!
DK in the place to be!

I was thinking,

you know what would be
way cooler than us living together?

- Not living together.
- What?

Clearly, we both agree
that being roommates would be ideal.

But then again,
not being roommates...

Even more ideal!

Where is this coming from?

Me.

I know who did this.

What the actual?

Whoa! Eddie Murphy words!

You guys convinced
your brother

not to live with me
next year.

We have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about, Dave Kim.

I think that you should examine
the possibility

that Adam despises you.

No, no, no, no.

It's just
a personal whim.

A "personal whim,"
you say?

So this carelessly-placed
chalkboard

wouldn't happen to include
a detailed list

that led Adam
to his ill-fated decision?

Merely a simple chalkboard
for playing Hangman

and other games
I can't think of right now.

Whoa! That thing flips?

I've been turning it longwise.

"Reasons Not To Live
With DK."

Unbelievable!

Well, you don't know.

"DK" could stand
for Donna Karan.

Or Donkey Kong.

Turtlenecks! Bowl cut!

My profound
sleep apnea?

Only you and Dave Kim's mom
know about that!

So we're trying to help
our little brother

not be a social disaster
before he even starts college.

It's not personal.

- Sorta.
- You're gonna go there?

Because you're just
a married lady who can't sing.

Drop out of another school,
why don't you?

Because your best years
are behind you!

Whoa! Ha! He got you bad.

And you.

With your stupid fingers
and gross shirts

and fake bravado masking
colossal insecurity.

You're a buffoon
who can't rap,

runs weird,
and no one likes you!

What are these words?

Let's just take a beat.

You're the worst of all.

'Cause you
listened to them.

Unum-dip-shnee...

Vici-ate-you-hay.

What'd he say?

Horrible, horrible things.

Mean.

As Dave Kim
swore off our friendship,

my mom swore to protect
the Ottoman Empire from Jane Bales.

Murray Goldberg's
room, please.

Well, I don't care
if he put on the Do Not Disturb.

I have important
dynastic business.

Oh, that doesn't meet your
threshold for an emergency?

Well, how about this?

Screw you,
Alan from Marriott!

- Beverly, hi. It's me.
- Oh.

Ginzy. Finally, a face
with the lines of wisdom.

Jane Bales is trying to stage a coup
of the Ottoman Empire!

We're both having
dramatic days.

I thought I misplaced
my keys,

but Charles took the wagon out
for a surprise wash.

Thank you for that
humdrum tale of drivel. - Yeah.

It puts in stark contrast
how big my problems are.

Well, I actually
just came over here to thank you

for your very generous
contribution

to my children's
literacy charity.

That sounds way wrong.

I was surprised, too.

Yeah, but, no,
it's right there...

"Donation by the King and Queen
of the Ottoman Empire."

Jane Bales.

Uh, the gala
is this weekend.

Oh, I'll be there.

Jane Bales
had gone too far,

and my mom wasn't
about to take it lying down.

That beauty can go
right in the front, Victor.

What the hell
is this?

Hello, Beverly.
I'm sprucing things up a bit.

This is called
a divan.

All the Parisian boudoirs
are resplendent with them.

Are you choosing
sides, Vic?

I'm merely exploring
every contingency

in case there's an unexpected winner
in your battle

with this wiry and determined
dragon-lady.

Vic, look in my eyes
and know that the terror you see is real.

Now get that thing
out of my store!

Vic, don't touch a thing!

The incredibly
tasteful divan stays.

Vic, we sell
affordable sofas,

not overstuffed
fainting couches

plopped on
by dehydrated shrews in pantsuits!

- Vic, no!
- Vic, yes!

Aah! I can't
do this anymore!

I'm supposed to be
in Tucson, damn it!

I'm gonna go have
a little talk with Mike

and clear
this whole thing up.

Okay. You go
do that, Beverly.

Just know, I can give him
one thing that you never can.

- Please don't say "this body."
- This body.

Mike, we need to talk
about Jane

and all the changes
she's making.

I'm sorry. I know it's a lot,
but what can I say?

She kisses this face.

I know, she's very brave,

but if we could just
address one thing...

I tell you,
she's the perfect woman.

If she could only cook.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Jane can't cook?

I've been trying to force this down
for the past 20 minutes.

I don't even know
what it is.

Is that corn
or peppermint?

Please don't tell Jane
I said any of this.

Don't worry.
It'll be our little secret.

And with that,
my mom had a tasty plan.

My mom
had a recipe

for how to win back
the Ottoman Empire.

Step one...
Trick Mike into coming over.

So, you turn it this way,
it's "locked,"

and you turn it this way,
and it's "unlocked."

I am just no good with this
mechanical stuff.

Step two...
Give him a dash of something

Jane Bales couldn't.

Ooh!

What is
that delightful aroma?

Oh, I just threw
some stuff in a pot.

Would you like a nibble?

Well, I-I don't...
I don't know...

Just some ooey,
gooey yumminess

I like to call
"The Mexican Bathtub."

Oh, my stars.

Finally,
pour on the temptation

until Mike couldn't say no.

Like what you see,
Formica Michael?

Oh, I do.
I really do.

Then sit.

You know,
I really shouldn't.

Because Janey's
making dinner.

Something with
fish necks.

Well, it'd be a shame for
all this golden deliciousness

to go to waste.

Oh, what could it hurt
to have one bite?

Janey doesn't have to know.

No one does.

And while you're here,
let's talk about the store.

And so began

the strangest affair
of all time.

Hey, you know what, Vic?
I'll lock up.

- Oh. Y-You sure?
- Yeah.

I find that as I approach
my twilight years,

spending time with furniture
is invigorating.

That was a more
full-bodied answer

than I was expecting,
but toodaloo.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Just open your mouth
and take what I give you.

Yep, my mom had Mike
in the palm of her hand.

And Jane at her wits' end.

What the hell are you doing
with my divan?

I'd like to know, too.

As well as why
a furniture store

doesn't have
a working dolly!

Babe, things change.

One day, a man might be happy
with a divan in the window,

the next day, he might acquire
a taste for a sleeper sofa.

Not better,
it's not worse.

It's different,
and different is exciting!

You don't have
to yell at me.

I'm not yelling!
I'm exclaiming loudly!

My mom's plan
was working perfectly.

Meanwhile, I was hoping
the roommate NYU assigned me

was a perfect match.

You must be Jed.

Are you a freshman?

I'm what they call
an "encore student,"

paying for school
with the G.I. Bill.

G.I.? Like my favorite
action figures.

But you're real.

And super intense.

Had a platoon buddy named Adam once.
He's in heaven now.

At least, I hope
there's a heaven,

because I know
there's a hell.

Well, I'm bringing a hamburger phone,
so we got that covered.

Meeting Jed
convinced me

that the only weird,
intense roommate I wanted

was my lifelong best pal.

There's my wildly
handsome friend

who's known for his forgiving
and forgetting nature.

- Save it.
- No, no, no, no, no!

Please be my roommate!

Too late.
I already have one.

Balls!

Did yours also have his marriage dissolve
when he came back Stateside?

He's the nephew of
Hollywood character actor

Ernie Hudson.

Winston from
the Ghostbusters?

He's my fourth favorite!

Excuse me,
I have to make a phone call.

Who ya gonna call,
Dave Kim?

I think you know.

While I faced
a roommate nightmare,

my mom'sDynasty fantasy

was about to play out
in reality.

Beverly, you made it.

I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.

Really? Because you missed it
for the last nine years.

Vic, there they are.
Let's go.

Oh.

Hello, Formica Michael.

Oh. Beverly, look, in the same place
as my Janey.

And yet we're all comfortable,
and nothing's going on.

Well, isn't this fun?

Helping children
and being confused.

Well, let me make it clear.
Jane...

I've been with your man!

What is she saying?

I honestly have no idea
what she's talking about.

Oh, I'll tell you.

Every day and all night,

we make sweet,
sweet food together.

Did you just say "food"?

What an awkward way to say
you cook for the man.

Mike, is this true?

No! Janey!

Jane, no, I love everything
that you make!

Oh, then what's that marinara
sauce on your collar?

Mm, yes, explain that.

This is lipstick!

I've been having
several torrid affairs!

Oh, my God!
You have been eating her food.

An occasional snack!

Lunch, dinner, at my home,
in the store,

in the very car
you drove here today!

I knew the DeVille
smelled shrimpy!

Fine! She's been
feeding me!

But it meant nothing!

Or does it mean
you couldn't satisfy him?

Well, I can.

And I had him begging
for seconds!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Ohh!

- Oh!
- Oh, my word!

This is just like Dynasty,
but with smaller hats.

Maybe now you'll keep
your hands off my store!

What? Your store?
I don't want your hideous store.

Well, then why were you trying
to take it from me?

I wasn't.

I was just trying to be
a part of Mike's life.

You know, a real partner,
like you are with Murray.

What?

Well, Mike only thinks
of me one way,

as an incredibly stunning,
beautiful, and sexy woman.

That's not far
from the truth.

I mean,
look at her wet.

I want more. Okay?

But... I guess
that'll never happen.

As Jane left my mom wallowing
in the deep end,

my friendship with my best bud
had taken a dive.

Hey.
What's with the sad face?

Dave Kim also cut you
to your very core

with sharp words
that won't stop replaying in your head?

Nope.
He just stopped being my best friend.

Oh, come on, it's Dave Kim.
You'll figure it out.

Not this time.

Well, if there's one thing
you're good at,

it's winning back someone's
heart with a grand gesture.

I'll just do the thing I always do
that always works!

Always.
Now go to him!

Barry was right.

I was the king of big,
apologetic gestures.

The Say Anything
boombox?

I'm turning on
the sprinklers!

Aw, geez! Ohh!

Problem was,
Dave Kim knew all my moves.

Sappy montage of
all our greatest moments,

some in shameless
slow-motion,

set to an emotionally
manipulative song?

So I pulled out
my biggest weapon.

Okay, okay!
Here he comes!

Not even Dave Kim could resist
a giant musical number.

A-one and a-two...

Stop! Nobody dance!

But we have a humongous
choreographed musical number

set to the song Friends
by rap-pop duo Whodini.

You don't get it.

The only reason
I even chose NYU

was because you were
going to be there.

But after what
you did, we are no

longer friends, and
we never will be.

Really? You heard
that whole conversation

and thought,
"We're still doing it"?

I had treated
my best friend terribly.

The only thing left for me
to do was try to forget him.

I'm trashing all
my cherished memories.

Hold up.
Maybe I want the box.

What is this stuff?

It's my Dave Kim
keepsake collection.

Sure, we all have one.

Is this a Minnesota Vikings
tablecloth?

It's the wizard cloak we used
in our D&Dadventures.

Ticket stubs?

Our first Weird Al concert.

He played
I Want a New Duck

back to back with
Girls Just Want To Have Lunch.

Finally. Something
not terrifyingly dorky...

A notebook.

That's the English to Artootin dictionary
from our made-up language.

Why are there six words
for "thrust"?

- No way.
- It's a nuanced dialect!

Who knows. Maybe G.I. Jed
will turn out to be

a non-judgmental
and endlessly loyal best friend,

just like Dave Kim.

Aww.

I can't bear to see
that little weirdo

without the other
little weirdo.

I have an idea.

With that,
my brother and sister

set out to prove that apologizing
was a universal language.

Tell Adam whatever this is,
I don't want it.

Wait. He doesn't know
that we're here.

We've got something to say
to you, Dave Kim.

Kaa-toom ault-fay
bleep bloop.

Am-day zeep arrrrr
wee choot-choot.

Fee torp Dam-ay

doop-doop weee,

diots-iay.

You guys learned Artootin?

Feep-feep, ova tizz.
Meeg norp?

Yeah. We kinda just memorized
that small chunk.

Anyway, we're sorry if we destroyed
what you and Adam had,

but we hope
that it's not unfixable.

The reason none of
Adam's big gestures of love

worked on you is 'cause...

...you know him
better than anyone.

My brother and sister

were trying to remind Dave Kim
how much our friendship meant.

Meanwhile, my mom had to make
peace with her greatest enemy.

I'm sorry.

Things got a little w...

Way out of hand.

Well, you didn't have to go
and seduce my man

with your delicious
boiled meats.

Boiled?

I don't know food!

When I was a child,
all my mother ever made

were gin and tonics
and cold conversation.

God, I love her.

For me, I remember going into
my father's store

and watching him put out
those paper cups.

I didn't know that.

It's kind of the only connection
I have left.

I'll leave
the store alone.

Thank you.

And I know that Mike looks like
a doughnut with a face,

but he's growing on me.

I wanna keep him.

Well, maybe
I could help you with that.

Friendships can be complicated,
whether new or lifelong.

Hey, Adam.

Or should I say roommate?

Seriously?
You mean it?

I do.

Thank you, Dave Kim.

I can't imagine going to college
without my best friend.

♪♪ Don't change for you ♪♪

They call
for equal parts trust,

understanding,
and forgiveness.

And if you
follow the recipe...

Hey.

...you'll eventually learn...

It's not bad!

...life can be
pretty delicious.

We're gonna
help you decide

what you're gonna
take to college.

My Omnibot
cassette-playing robot

with Huey Lewis
and the News inside!

Here's something
that shouldn't be news...

Women don't like robots.

He-Man and the entire line

of Masters of Universe
action figures.

In this universe,
you will get no action.

My trusty calculator watch.

The only thing you'll watch
is the babes run away.

Nothing's cooler than
my Indiana Jones hat and whip.

Ow!