The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 10 - Geoff's New Hat - full transcript

Beverly convinces Murray to get a hot tub to spark romance and spend time together; Geoff decides to try out a new look for himself, which is not well received by Barry.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Back in the '80s,
a new game swept the nation...


And no one was more eager
to doodle their way to bonding

than my mom.

Who wants to frantically draw
their way to family fun?

Pbht! Count me and Geoff way out.

She's not supposed to answer for me,

but sometimes not having a voice
can be a blessing.

Push me out, babe.

Well, that still leaves me

with two generous helpings
of schmoopie pie.

The old me would lie,
but I'm mature now,

so I'll answer honestly
and say I have nothing to do.

And the answer is still no.

I think lying is a nice way
to spare people's feelings.

Welp, tonight's the night
I wash my hair.


Despite the rejection,

my mom was determined

to make Pictionary a part of her life.

What are you doing?



Car? Oh, my God, did you buy me a car?!

Ugh, so close.

I need you to get in the car.

We're getting you new underwear.

She didn't need to talk to anyone,

which wasn't as good
as you'd think it would be.

Do we have any cream cheese, Bevy?

What is this?
What... What are you doing?

You're... You're doodling now?

Forget it. I'll find it myself.

No issue was too delicate to draw.

Ooh, fun.

She's not just saying it outright.

Don't you dare guess, Geoff.

Oh, is that a heart?

A broken heart. Divorce?

Wait, my parents are getting divorced?

My mom's had enough?!

Her wandering eye has caught up
with her thirst for more?!

Geoff, no, I'm trying to tell you

that my Uncle Marty had
a triple bypass this morning

and now it's touch-and-go,

- but thanks for that, Geoff.
- Yeah!

- You could be more sensitive, babe.
- What?

Yep, she tricked us all into playing.

But there was one person
she couldn't get on board.

What's more fun than "Matlock"?

"Magnum." But it's Tuesday.


And I've invited Bill
and Dolores to play with us.

Oh, great. I'll go first.
We'll both play.



You got it on your first try!

Think you meant to write...

"Woo hoo"?

Ah, yes! Murray is pumped.

And he has no choice
in the matter anyway.

That's you.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 3, 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff were enjoying

a perk of college life...

going to the mall
in the middle of the day.

Okay, remember, we're looking
for one of these,

- but in new.
- Got it.

The exact same shirt
you always buy. Again.

This is a rugby shirt, Erica.

That might not mean anything to you,

but in some parts of the world,

I think it might be a sport.

Halt your shopping spree.

Matt Bradley's missing,

and I need a mall I.D. for a beef bowl.

Barry, it's $2,
and the last time you had one,

you spent the afternoon
in the mall infirmary.

Well, I love their take on beef.

And Matt's in San Francisco.

Gap corporate flew him out
for an interview.

he's the number-one khaki-pusher

on the Eastern seaboard.

Well, I'm sure he'll blow it.

He's not a very likable person.

Beef bowl!

He's gonna be sick to his stomach.

We'll go by the infirmary
and pick him up later.


That's when he saw it,

in all its majesty.

Hello there, you.

The mannequin?

You know that movie isn't real, right?

And I can wear my hair like that
if you want.

No, the hat.

Yeah, it's nice, I guess.


It's the same one that
our prom limo driver wore.

And he was the coolest.

Oh, yeah! Nigel from Manchester.

Talked like a Beatle,
but drove like a lunatic.

At one point, we were on two wheels.

- In a limo.
- Anyway, try on the hat.

That is a cap hewn for
a more confident man.

I could never put that...



Are we in London right now?

You know what?
You look pretty damn good.

Really? I'm not so sure it's me.

It could be.

This is the '80s, Geoff.

People are gonna look back on
our fashion and say,

"They got it right."

Well, in that case...

Allo, luv!

Did you catch the footie match
on the telly?

I'm into what's on your head,

but not what's coming out of your face.

Let's roll.

- Off we pop.
- Stop it.


And roll they did.

Straight to campus with Geoff's new hat.

See? What did I tell you?

You're really pulling that bad boy off.

I know. I feel seen.

That guy back there just
dipped his sunglasses at me.

I believe that was a blind
student, but you know what?


Hey, Geoff, love the lid.

You look like British miler
Sebastian Coe.

Not when he's running, when he's walking

and doing errands and stuff.

What a specific compliment.

Dude, I love it.

Thanks, Big Tasty.

Openly mocking the kids

who make dumb fashion choices

- by pretending to like what they like.
- Wait, what?

You should've told me
you were doing this.

I would've brought my monocle.

Inside scoop, it's a Snapple lid.

No, dummy, Geoff's wearing it
because he likes it.

He likes making fun of people who try.

Barry, I think I kind of
look good in it.

It may even be my new thing.

But we don't do new things.

It's just a hat.

It's not just a hat.

It's a gateway to new, unwelcome
fashion choices.

What's next? Sandals?

Pants that aren't jeans?

A second hat?!

Why am I the only one
thinking about this stuff?

I ask myself that every day.

I like my hat, Bar.

In fact, it makes me feel more
like a Geoffrey than a Geoff.

Maybe I'll go by that for a while.

Hey, dig the cap. Very GQ.

Whoa. The magazine
with multiple pictures

of Pierce Brosnan reading in a hammock?

We're having a little beer-garden party.

- You two should come.
- Cool.

Can I get one for my friend here?


I'm not sure it's his scene.

His socks don't even match.

For your information, one of those socks

is a puppet I made at camp.

- Anyway, stop by if you can.
- Yeah.

And just like that, it's happening!

Your dumb hat
is changing things forever!

But, luckily,
I have the perfect solution.

Be gone!

Aw, damn it!

Even the wind is against me!

While Barry wasn't excited
about seeing Geoff's new look,

my dad wasn't excited about seeing

Bill and Dolores' new love.

You two know we're here also, right?

Sorry, Mur.

It's been years since
I've enjoyed the female touch.

Other than my lady podiatrist.

But you can't go
to the foot doctor every week.

Believe me, I've tried.

Well, no need to apologize, Bill.

I think it's sweet how in love
the two of you are.

Thanks, Bev.

Now if I'm hit with
a crushing wave of loneliness,

I know it's for a deeper,
more unfixable reason.

This should not be our social scene.

Or anyone's.

To be clear, kids,

relationships aren't just about
physical affection.

It's the time spent together
that's most important.

Thanks, older couple that I barely know.

I thought you said there'd be pizza.

Dolores has me doing
all sorts of activities.

Did you know you can plant
vegetables in your own yard?

We're growing tomatoes.

- This one's my tomato.
- Oh!

Nyeh, you're still in
your honeymoon phase.

It'll fade.

And also brighten.

You know, Murray and I have been
doing some fun activities.

Uh, the other day,
we took a nature walk.

You mean when your car ran out of gas

and I had to schlep to that gas station?

But we did see a hidden garden.

Full disclosure, I said I saw it
so we'd keep moving.

You know what you two need?

A hot tub.

We've got one of those sizzling soakers,

and she's the best.

It's true.

We connect just sitting there.


That's Murray's favorite thing.

I-I'm gonna pass on the hot tub.

- Why not?
- What do I need a hot tub for?

Who am I, Hugh Hefner?

I think even the casual observer
would say no.

I don't even know why I try.
Let's just play Pictionary.

Hey, that sounds fun.

Wait, wait, that's tonight?

I told you we were having
a lovely evening with friends.

This is my big night out.
I even put on my shirt

with buttons that go all the way down.

How's about you guys draw over there,

and I'll watch TV over here?

Turn that TV off.

What? We're all here together.

We got you, me, Bill, Dolores,
Cagney, and Lacey.

And us, for some reason.

Please, Murray.

With just a little bit of effort,

we could have
what Bill and Dolores have.


What, a strange amount of
comfort in somebody else's home?

Some connection.

Please, they've been married a month.

He still looks at her when she talks.

So what if it's new and fresh for them?

It doesn't mean it has to be
stale for us.

You know, it breaks my heart
that you won't even try.

Brea? Any guesses?

I guess that I'm super uncomfortable

and never coming back here.

As my dad was considering a change,

my brother was fighting against one.

JTP minus Matt Bradley.

JTP minus Matt Bradley.

I think it's pretty obvious
why we're here.

Some eyebrow-raising
experimentation has occurred.

I shave there 'cause I'm a swimmer.

That mirror was on the floor
because I was cleaning it.

Geoff's wearing a hat.

I agree. That...
That's the headline here.

Yeah, I was in that area, too.
I love the hat.

Aww, thanks, guys.

No, JTP!

Bag on him until he takes it off.

I'll start.

[Bleep] your [bleep] hat, Geoff.

Hey, it's Geoffrey.
I'm also trying out a new name.

Ooh, I love that for you.

It takes more time to say than Geoff,

but I think it's time well spent.

Enough already!

We have a time-honored tradition

of razzing each other so mercilessly

that we don't dare try new stuff.

We do.

Why, exactly?

Because it's hilarious.

If Matt Bradley were here,
he'd agree with me...

after I viciously insult
his sandals, jean shorts,

and million-watt smile.

Damn it, Matt Bradley, where are you?!

Maybe this is an opportunity
for the JTP to transform

into a more supportive unit.


What if we built each other up

instead of tearing each other down?

And encourage each other to try

new things, new challenges, New Coke.

I hear it's sweeter.

Like, I've always wanted to be
a leather duster guy.

Am I a post-apocalyptic cowboy
or a hit man?

Yeah, yeah, a-and I could rock overalls.

You know, like a farmer.

Or someone that likes to wear
jeans up to their neck.

I love that for you guys.

Look at us all growing.

No, you need to stay the same.

Naked, short, and Geoff.

Barry, if I didn't know
any better, I'd say

- there's something deeper going on.
- Nonsense.

Yeah, it seems like you're
a little afraid of change.

I'm only afraid of two things, okay...

a room full of grandfather clocks

and a baby holding my stare.

No one is saying
you have to change, too.

Or everyone's saying it. You know what?

I'll show you all how bad change can be.

While Barry was failing to lead the JTP,

my dad was leading my mom
to the basement.

All right, take the mask off.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

There's a hot tub.

In my basement?

And check it out.

There's clouds-and-sky wallpaper

to transport you to the great outdoors.

Makes me wonder why you didn't
just put it outdoors.

Then what would I do with the wallpaper?

You know what, Murray?
Thank you. Thank you.

I knew you wanted
to connect with me, too.

Well, bon appétit,

or whatever it is people say

when they first get into a hot tub.

Oh, it's like I'm on "Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous."

Oh, Murray, I've never felt
closer to you.

Murray, what are you doing over there?

- Get in.
- I'm good.

But the whole point of having a hot tub

is to enjoy it together.

Ah, this is living.

My sister had helped Geoff
find a new look,

but he wasn't the only one
looking for a transformation.

- Erica, I need a makeover.
- You got it.

I just need 7 weeks and a team of 12.

No, I want you to use
your mediocre personal style

to make me look so dreadful

that Geoff will see
the error of his ways

- and lose that stupid hat.
- Hold on.

You want Erica to make you look bad

so your friend will remove his hat?

Pops knows a good plan
when he hears one.

Lucky for you, I'm too into this puzzle

to engage any more.

Please. Make me look like a fool.

I mean, I think we're starting
from a strong place,

but I'll do what I can.

And so my sister trotted out

some of the worst looks
she could muster.

Wow, you can really see all the curves.

And the straightaways.

Damn my versatile form!

We're going again.

You look a bit like your mother.

So I'm beautiful?

Damn it! Next!

It's Boss Pig from that show
with the gal

whose entire character
is she wears jean shorts.

I do look like a boss.

Go stupider.

That is ill-fitting.

This just makes my already-broad
shoulders broader.

Curse your generous gifts, God!

Let me take one more shot.

Erica decided to stop trying
to make him look bad

and instead try to make him
look... not so bad.

Wait... the finishing touch.

What have you done to me?

I look like a complete fool!

Thanks, Erica!

Not bad, right?

Honestly, I lost track of the goal here,

but if you say so.

While Barry prepared
to give his friends a surprise,

my dad was trying to figure out
what happened to his.

Why is there a sign outside
that says "hot tub for sale"?

Because, once again,

you massively disappointed your wife.

Whoa! Easy.

You easy!

She roped me into a mother-son soak

before I had the good sense
to put that sign out front.

It's not my fault.

Of course it is!

My foot accidentally touched
hers under the water

while she talked about the lack
of intimacy in her marriage.

I took a lot of steps backward
today 'cause of you, man.

Fine. I'll take care of it.

Damn right you will.

Tonight we're pushing cuticles
and scrubbing heels.

- All of her foot business is falling on me.
- Good!

You'll be motivated to help. Come on.

And just like that,

my dad dragged me into brainstorming

how to be more involved with his wife.

Looking past the obvious weirdness,

can I ask why your adult
best friend is on my bed?

You're lucky, little man...

you got the best mattress
in the whole house.

And you know that because...

Oh, I water your plants
when you're out of town,

but the details aren't important.

What's important is getting the Mur-man

back in your mama's good graces.


You two morons seem
to keep your women happy,

so I thought I could ask you
both for some tips.

My first tip would be

to not go to your child
for advice on intimacy.

And your second tip?

Just get in that hot tub with her.

Amen to that, Mur.

Hop in that lobster pot with your lady.

Sooth the aches and pains
of your body and marriage.

Also, what happens under that foam...

Oh, boy.

Yeah, sure.

Just to hit the fast-forward,

maybe a love note would do the trick.

I get hand cramps

and don't want to.

What else you got?

How about a moonlit stroll?

Well, I do go out at night
to the mailbox.

Uh, she's more than welcome
to follow me.

But that is really my only
alone time, so I say no.

Oh, my God. You are so bad at this.

Because these ideas are terrible.

Look, buddy, it's normal.
Things get tired.

Happens to everybody.

But here's the good news.

Your laziness as a husband
is so profound

that even the smallest gesture

is gonna make a big difference to Mom.

A small gesture?

That's just slightly more
than I already do.

- I can do that.
- There you go.

A little affection, a little surprise.

She'll be blown away.

I got it! Thank you!

Yeah, you're gonna maybe want
to follow your friend?

Oh, this bed is like a cloud's lap.

While my dad was gonna show
my mom he could change,

Barry was gonna show
his friends the new him.

Attention, fashion elite!
Barrington has arrived.

Who's Barrington?
And what are you wearing?

You noticed my ensemble.

This is my new forever look.

And you thought your hat was stupid.

I didn't.

Well, I'm taking stupid
to new and exciting heights.

I don't think so, Bar.
You look kind of amazing.

Really amazing.
In fact, I'm kind of regretting

this very hot, cumbersome
coat I'm wearing.

I've taken like three sports bets today,

and I have no idea what to do
with the money.

Yeah, and I don't like how
exposed I have to get

when I pee.

Barry? Is that you?

Sure is, Lisa.

Go ahead. Drink me in.

Tell everyone how little you desire me.

This goes against
every fiber of my being,

but you actually look super cute.

What? How dare you?

Look closer at these soft pastels.

This actually breaks my soul,

but I think I want you to call me.


This can't be happening.

How could I be even more attractive?

Because, Bar, you sincerely look good.

And you should feel good, too.

Well, I hate the way I look,

and I hate the way you look, too.

They're just clothes, man.

It's not just the clothes.
It's everything.

College, living on our own,

new jobs, new girlfriends.

Matt Bradley isn't even here anymore.

Matt's actually coming back tonight.

Please, he's never coming back.

San Francisco has it all.

Cable cars, Alcatraz,


It's paradise.

Buddy, I think you may be overreacting.

We're always gonna be the JTP.

Are we? Because it seems to me

we're all going
in our separate directions.

And I'm the only one who cares.


The... The gate is open.

As Barry worried the JTP
was destined to fall apart,

my dad hoped his romantic gesture

would bring my parents together.

- ♪ Slicing up a grapefruit, oh ♪
- Surprise affect...

Oh, my God, Murray!

Oh! Oh! Brought you flowers.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking I would get
a smooch from my wife,

not a fruit knife in my arm.

You're lucky my survival
instincts didn't fully kick in.

I would've finished you off.

How am I lucky?!
I've got a new hole in my body.

Imagine if I'd been chopping an onion.

You'd have a chef's knife in your heart,

and I would be a beautiful widow

with a long line of eligible suitors

standing outside the door.

The door to your jail cell.

No jury would ever believe

that you would do something
sweet and spontaneous.

But at least I tried.
And what did it get me?

A moldy basement and a light stabbing.

You know what, Murray?
Sometimes trying isn't enough.

I don't need a hot tub without
you in it, or a random hug.

I need real connection.

Clearly, I don't know what that is.

And that's the problem.

My dad had a hole in his arm,

but it wasn't as big as
the hole in my mom's heart.

So he decided to give her
exactly what she wanted.

What's this?

Go to the kitchen?

What, did you put a steam room
where the fridge should be?

No, no, no, no!

Aw, stupid arrow pointing the wrong way.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Against all my instincts, we're back.

I live here.

You're throwing me a Pictionary party?

I thought you hated it.

The game? Sure. It's the worst.

But you want to feel connected,

and I want to show you that we are.

So I'm gonna go first.

Turn the egg timer, buddy.

Okay. Here we go, Mur.

My dad was about to prove to my mom

just how much of a team
they really were.

Sadly, he couldn't draw for crap.

Unless the word's "spaghetti
pile," Mur's coming up short.

But then something
truly special happened.

Oh! That's obviously an ice cream cone.

You got it!

Wait, how did you get ice cream cone

from all that gobbledygook?

Well, that is a seagull,
which means the shore,

which is where we all had soft serve

and then Barry had to make in the ocean.

People ran out like they saw Jaws.

I don't think the story needed
more color, Adam.

And the craziest thing...
my parents kept dominating.

- Diner!
- Yes!

Where? How? What?!


You got that from a single dot?!

- Hairdresser.
- Bingo!

How are they doing this?

Through all their craziness
and dysfunction,

no two people know each other
better in the world.

That's sweet.

And yet let's never be like them.

Give me that marker.

Me and Bill have the magic touch, too.

- A horse.
- What?

Why would that be a horse?

Plain as day that's a pony's tongue.

Why would I start by drawing the tongue?

Because it's the most expressive
part of a horse.

Okay, so you're saying you can
tell a horse just by the tongue?

If it's done with nuance, yes.

Look at us. We clobbered 'em.

We really did.

You know, everyone told me
I should show you

a small act of affection.

But I thought,

we have something bigger between us...

a lifetime together.

Maybe we're more connected
than I thought.

We are.

But that doesn't mean
I can't try harder.

I know. Me, too.

Sometimes what's familiar
can be so much sweeter

than what's brand-new.

H-Hey, the Jampilation.

Seems like just yesterday

I was hanging from that 6-foot
rim while holding my crotch.

Where does the time go?

Look at us. We were such idiots.

I loved those idiots.

Bar, we're the same guys.

No, we're not.

We're all moving
in different directions.

Pretty soon, Andy is gonna be

the engineer for that tiny train
at the zoo.

They're just overalls, bro.

Naked Rob is gonna be a hit man
for the Yakuza.

That's obviously the natural
progression after buying a coat.

And Geoff is gonna be...

an old-timey golfer.

Oh, fun. I didn't know
where you were going with me.

Bar, our clothes might be
different, but we're not.

And even if we were, change is good.

It's how we grow.

But that doesn't mean
we're gonna grow apart.

But it's already happening!

Matt Bradley is living by the bay

and eating Rice-A-Roni with Joe Montana.

I'm pretty sure you're wrong about that.

Matt Bradley?

Hey, there, bud. Heard you missed me.



Shut up.

Well, I just want to let you know

that no matter where we are
in life or the world...

nothing gets between me and my bro-hams.



Friends forever.



Damn it.

Now do you see why
I love you guys so much?

JTP hug?

As exciting as change can be,

sometimes it doesn't beat
the relationships

that get better over time.

And the time you spend
with people you love

who know you inside and out.

Give me some light!

Turn on the lights! Half lights!

Are you sure no one's gonna
come down here?

The house is empty,

and as soon as you climb into
those soothing bubbles,

all your cares will melt away.

Dude, no way.

Geoff and I called dibs
on these raging waters.

Yeah, I have a tiny lumbar issue

that could really use some hydrotherapy.

Yo, yo! Make a hole!

I'm about to cannonball into this thing.


Brea and I were about to get in.

- Alone.
- Your choice.

Just know my mouth, butt, and
feet were in there this morning.

I'm sorry, Adam. I can't.

As soon as he said "mouth,"
I knew it was over.

Nice try, but I'm sure

the chlorine'll take care
of your grodiness.

I will be wearing a Speedo.

- Yeah, I'm fine with my back pain.
- Tub's yours.