The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Angst-Giving - full transcript
Beverly's patience with Pop Pop is put to the test due to his endless Thanksgiving demands; Barry and Erica are ready to return home for the holiday, but Uncle Marvin accidentally drives them to Pittsburgh.
ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
Thanksgiving meant football,
the Macy's Day Parade, and
my dad's favorite movie...
"Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
Those aren't pillows!
Ooh!
Ooh-hoo! He thought his
buns were his pillows,
but they were his buns!
(LAUGHS)
I liked when he was going
the wrong way on the highway.
(LAUGHS) I've done that.
It's like John Hughes
made this just for me.
Well, he didn't, Gene Shalit.
So, why don't you pipe down
and go help your mom with the giblets?
I will. But only 'cause
I don't know what giblets are,
and I like to learn.
ADULT ADAM: My mom was
determined to butter up
more than just the turkey this year.
Tell me. How's your dad?
Is the movie working?
Does he seem joyful and
full of Thanksgiving cheer?
He did chuckle twice,
but those also might
have been small burps.
I really need your dad
to be in a great mood.
(WHISPERING) Pop-Pop is coming.
- Pop-Pop?
- Shh! Your dad can't know!
Yeah, the cursing old guy
at the end of the dinner table
will be our little secret.
(NORMAL VOICE)
Family takes care of family,
but, yes, he's terrible in every
way that counts in society.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's father
could be a tad unpleasant.
Whatever this is,
I don't want it or need it.
It's me, your grandson.
What the [Bleep] is this?
I don't drink lady soda.
- How you doing, Ben?
- You think you're better than me?
And that is why you never
trust a Polynesian.
Plus, he makes Dad absolutely miserable.
It's gonna be another Angst-giving.
- Angst-giving?
- It's clever wordplay.
I'm super proud of it,
even though it's gonna be
- a living nightmare for everyone.
- Not this year.
I'm gonna give your dad
the best day ever
so that when he finally
does see Pop-Pop,
he won't even mind.
Sure, 'cause people rarely
hold onto the memory
of the person who hurt
them most as a child.
First, I'll let Steve Martin
and John Candy
work their thin guy/fat guy chemistry,
then I'll invite
his dingbat friends over.
Don't Bill and Vic have to be
with their own miserable
families on Thanksgiving?
Lucky for us, Bill is totally alone.
- He has no one.
- That is lucky.
And Vic is Canadian.
And those moose kissers
celebrate Thanksgiving
in October for hockey
or maple syrup reasons.
Yeah, I guess Vic and Bill
do calm Dad down,
like that blanket you throw
on Lucky when it thunders.
And then comes my masterstroke...
Your dad is gonna watch his
beloved Eagles beat the Cowboys.
How are you gonna guarantee
the Eagles win?
Easy. I told him the game
starts at 2:00.
They already played,
and those bumbling green
doofuses somehow won.
So, you recorded it and you're
gonna play it back for him.
I admit, it's brilliant.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Except for one small snag.
(GROANS)
Ben?
I know you told me to come over at 4:00,
but I have no heat,
and you people like to
burn money, so here I am.
You brought a little something?
Thank you.
- It's empty.
- It's for leftovers.
I'm on a fixed income.
Oh, where's your can?
I took a hit off the garden hose
and my bladder is the size of a cashew.
- There's one upstairs.
- Ooh-la-la.
Second floor.
Oh, look at this one with
the fancy head glasses.
They're for seeing.
Also, hello, Granddad.
Dad! The hell are you doing here?
Came through the back because I got lost
wandering through this landed
estate which is Murray Acres.
It's just a simple suburban home.
Whatever helps you sleep
at night, sellout.
Eh. Wait, but come here.
Ooh. Look at this.
I thought you had to be dead
to have skin that gray,
but turns out you just look like crap.
Anyway, so, kid, here.
Hang this up for me, will ya?
Oh!
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
ADULT ADAM: It was Thanksgiving
Day, 1980-something,
and Barry and Erica were ready to be
picked up for the short ride home.
(SIGHS) I'm dying.
I haven't eaten in 17 hours.
I'm gonna regret asking. Why?
Just like the Pilgrims,
I'm starving myself
to maximize stomach space
for the turkey bounty that lies ahead.
Crack a history book.
If you were in Pilgrim times,
you'd die immediately.
Probably of some shoe-buckle mishap.
Or I'd win over the Indians
by introducing them
to the ultimate weapon... Nunchucks.
Boom. Big Tasty's face
on every totem pole.
That honestly might be the
dumbest thing I've ever heard.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
What's got four wheels
and is your uncle?
This guy.
Well, I spoke too soon.
Wait, why are you here?
I thought Geoff was
supposed to pick us up.
New plan. You guys were on the way,
so I told your parents I'd pick you up.
Now, get in the 'Vette and let's ride.
But this isn't a Corvette.
It's a Chev-ette.
Yeah. It's a Chevy 'Vette.
We're talking the same
language here, nephew.
- Now, get in.
- Whoa, Uncle Marvin,
you've lost a lot of weight.
Thanks for noticing.
You ever heard of an Egyptian tapeworm?
- God, no.
- Well, consider yourself lucky.
Well, you look good,
and I dig that outfit.
Kind of look like Sly Stallone
in that movie Cobra.
You mean hero cop
Marion "Cobra" Cobretti?
'Cause I have no idea
what you're talking about.
All right. Everybody, strap in.
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
Come on.
Come on.
Stupid piece of American steel!
He's already pulling a Marvin.
I'm not pulling a Marvin.
- ADULT ADAM: But of course he was.
- Ooh!
See, Uncle Marvin always found a way
to screw up the simplest tasks.
Oh, I hate Thanksgiving!
- I hate it so much!
- I'm a healer!
Let me heal you!
I! Am! Not! Irresponsible!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Oh. Nice.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Hey, guys.
I'm supposed to scoop you.
That's who I was supposed to call.
Man, that's on me.
Sorry, smiley haircut.
Not a worry. You just pulled a Marvin.
I didn't pull anything.
Maybe we should just ride with Geoff.
No, I can handle a simple drive home,
just like I handled my
hungry, hungry tapeworm.
Oh, that explains your dramatic and
concerning face and body change.
Your face is concerning.
We'll just see you and your
parents back at the house.
Your parents are coming?
(LAUGHS) You're all so screwed.
- (LAUGHS)
- I'm zonked.
You guys must be bushed
from however school works.
Why don't you just sit back
and relax and close your eyes,
and let the purr of my 'Vette
sing you to sleep.
Sounds good.
I love to wake up in a new location.
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
things went south from there.
And also west.
(YAWNS)
Man... I feel so refreshed,
like I slept forever.
Oh, please. I slept
ten times better than you.
Uncle Marvin, who's a better sleeper?
Wait, where are we?
This doesn't look familiar.
BARRY: Pittsburgh?
- What the hell, man?
- It's all good.
I just took a teeny, tiny stop
to get a farm fresh turkey.
I musta gotten turned around on 76.
For hundreds of miles?
I got too much pride to stop
and ask for directions.
That big Pittsburgh sign
back there was my first clue.
Dude, this isn't even a turkey.
It's a ham!
That's a turkey, all right.
It's a beautiful, boneless,
spiral-cut, honey-glazed turkey.
I don't care what it is!
Tear me off a pig wing so
I can stuff it in my mouth!
- Hey! Hey!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Whoa! Not a chance, mister.
That bad pink bird is for dinner.
From now on, "pulling a Marvin"
is gonna be about farm fresh turkey
and getting children home safely.
We're in Western
Pennsylvania with a ham.
You're oh-for-two.
(SCOFFS) Don't sweat, Boba Fett.
Sign says we're right by the airport.
We'll just ditch the 'Vette,
we'll get a flight,
everyone will be home safe and sound.
ADULT ADAM: As my brother and
sister prepared to fly home,
Pop-Pop was already
flying off the handle.
Football. Come on,
let's watch the parade.
That leggy Mary Hart's
doing the play-by-play.
Never. It's my Eagles.
Come on. Sometimes
there's a gust of wind
and that schmuck holding Snoopy's ropes,
he goes airborne,
and he lands on some kids.
This is my house.
If it was your house,
there'd be no father,
and we'd have to raise ourselves.
That's still a thing with you? Huh?
Move on. I have.
It's a real treat when the
Goldberg men get together.
It's not okay in there.
You could cut that tension
with the knife in Ben's boot.
Which he showed to me.
He said he needs it
for when he rides on the bus.
I know, but the perfect
Thanksgiving plan is still intact,
and it all starts with a
slice of delicious...
Oh, spiced ass!
- Oh!
- Murray won't even blink.
It's okay. The day can
still be salvaged.
Bill and Vic will be here any minute.
- Bill and Vic aren't coming.
- The hell you say to me?
Ooh! Did you just chuck a yam at me?
Oh, butch it up. It was cooked.
It's not my fault Bill's appendix
exploded three days ago.
They just found him.
His side is super infected.
Oh, that selfish bastard.
He sends his love.
And as for Vic,
he's serving turkey dinners
at a homeless shelter.
Of all the days to do that.
Yeah, I'm not sure your perfect
Thanksgiving plan is working out.
It's okay. We still have the Eagles.
MURRAY: Beverly!
You recorded my Eagles game!
Oh, I can explain.
- Uh, Adam did it.
- Me?
He's our common enemy
that we can all rally against.
Just go with it. It's fun.
Forget this. I'm going to the basement
to play with my real friends,
Mario and Luigi.
Uch. They sound like they have accents.
Anyway, sorry about your stupid game.
I was just trying to get the parade,
and I pressed, uh, one of
your fancy VCR buttons.
But why would you turn on the
parade during Murray's game?
What? Are you another parade hater?
You ruined my game.
- But the Eagles won!
- They won?
- Back to the parade.
- (TAPE REWINDS)
Oh! Did it again.
They won in overtime
on a Hail Mary pass!
This is literally the
worst day of my life!
Hey, hey, hey. (CHUCKLES)
Murray, you see the game?
Holy crap! What a doozy!
I hate football, and even
I thought it was thrilling,
like watching a movie about football.
Such a doozy!
Oh, I could really feel
the city around us
come alive in those last few moments.
A doozy!
We get it. You saw the game, okay?
And for some reason,
you keep saying "doozy."
Erica said this night would
make us question everything.
By the way, where is
my little Turkey Day buffer?
(BUTTON BEEPS)
Excuse me... Panam.
Such an exotic name.
Are you from the Orient?
Pan Am is the airline.
I'm Elaine from here.
Please don't correct me,
Elaine from here.
It's an ugly color on you.
Now, when can I expect
meal service, huh?
I'm sorry, it's a 40-minute flight,
so we won't even be coming by
with the beverage cart.
What about peanuts?
This gentleman right here
took the last bag.
If you don't want me taking them,
don't leave them in the back of
the bottom drawer in the galley.
Damn it, we should be home right now.
Geoff isn't equipped to handle
our family's holiday bullcrap.
Listen, I got your back.
Why don't we use
this handy-dandy air phone
and we'll inform them that we're
running a little bit behind.
Great idea. I'm starving.
Let's order a pizza first.
These phones cost like $11 a minute.
Money's no object.
Give me your credit card.
Me? Use yours.
Mine were all cut up in nine
unrelated misunderstandings.
(SIGHS)
Dad did give me a credit card
to use during an emergency.
What? Why would he
give you one and not me?
At the airport, we could've bought food
and important Pittsburgh
trinkets and baubles.
Shh. It's ringing.
(SPEAKING QUICKLY) Hi, Mom, it's Erica.
We're gonna be late because
Marvin pulled a Marvin,
and we're in the skies over Pittsburgh.
Okay, see you soon, bye.
You see? No problem.
Uncle Marvelous will have
you guys home lickety-split.
- (PA CHIMES)
- PILOT: Bad news, folks.
Due to some unforeseen
weather in Philadelphia,
we are being diverted to Nashville.
That announcement could
have been for any flight.
ADULT ADAM: While Marvin and my
siblings were going off-course,
my mom's plans were heading
the same way.
So, Mr. Goldberg Senior,
are you retired?
You know, 14 years ago,
these sons of bitches
gave me a Timex watch
and shoved me out the door.
They got the best years of my life.
(GRUNTS) So, screw them.
What are you up to these days?
Well, most recently, uh,
I'm being grilled by this grinning
schnook who thinks he's Donahue.
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
- Engaging you.
- When are we eating, Murray?
I don't like these people.
These people can hear you.
They know how they are.
Okay, well, I just got off
the phone with Erica.
Everything's fine, but they're a...
a bit delayed
somewhere over Pittsburgh.
Oh, no, the Steel City!
They have so many rivers!
Let me guess. That other
moron son of mine
- pulled a Marvin? (GRUNTS)
- He did, in fact, pull his namesake.
But, uh, let me pull a Beverly
- and drop another veggie platter.
- Oh, screw this.
There's only so much jicama
a man can eat.
Dad, don't go.
Hmm?
- Now you can.
- Wait, Ben, Ben.
You can go watch the
parade in the basement
until dinner's ready.
Is that okay with everyone?
- I guess.
- It's not in here.
He's got his coat.
Great, just go downstairs
and make yourself comfortable.
Don't mind if I do.
(GASPS) Oh, my.
That's not okay!
The human body changes over time!
ADULT ADAM: Yes, Pop-Pop
ruined a lot of Thanksgivings,
but nothing compared to what came next.
Ooh! Son of a...
Pop-Pop!
My crotchety grandfather took
a tumble down the stairs!
I knew I had to act fast, so I did this.
Now, that's a doozy.
(GROANS)
Uncle Marvin's 15-minute drive
had turned into a 12-hour
layover in Nashville.
Man! Music City's got it all.
I mean, I know it's Thanksgiving
and we're stuck in an airport hotel,
but (SCOFFS) who wants
to go honky-tonkin'?
I want you to shut up.
- I'm calling home.
- Oh, God.
They're probably eating already.
Tell Mom to pour gravy into the phone
so I can taste it with my ears.
Good thing I nabbed a little something
from the maid's cart in the
hallway to tide you over.
Oh!
Oh, sweet, minty sustenance!
- (LINE RINGS)
- Where the hell are you?
A motel in Nashville.
Ho...
That's a "ho-tel."
Hotel, with an "H" there, Bevy.
And Uncle Marvin has got this, okay?
What you've got are my
children in Tennessee.
Yeah, well, you're the only "Ten I see."
(CHUCKLES) Is that helping?
No. Get them home, now.
MARVIN: Okay, Uncle
Marvin's on the case.
Don't worry, you're gonna see
your kids tomorrow
or sometime next week. Ta!
- (RECEIVER CLICKS)
- Okay, here's the headline...
That "Ten I see" line
doesn't work over the phone.
ADULT ADAM: Despite my Mom's hopes
for a perfect Thanksgiving,
it had all come crashing down.
Specifically, my grandfather's old body.
Let me look at you. I'm a doctor.
You? A doctor? Eh, eh, no way.
He's a very well-regarded
ophthalmologist.
Great. If I need a pair of glasses
for my knee, I'll let him know.
This man is a pill!
Which is something you can't prescribe
from your LensCrafters in the mall.
Dad! He's just trying to be helpful.
Him? What about me?
Pop-Pop cartwheeling down
the stairs messed me up bad.
Give me one of those.
Oh, no. Did he crash into you
with his stumbly-crumbly body?
I might be sharing too much,
but I briefly lost consciousness.
Did one of his beige orthopedic
sneakers clock you in the noggin?
No, he fainted, like a lady.
Nice work with this one, Mur.
Oh, so now you're giving me
parenting advice?
Hey, remember Thanksgiving in our house?
I don't, because we never had one!
Yeah, well, you had something else.
It was called dinner,
and it was almost every night.
Great news, everyone.
Thanksgiving dinner is...
Please say served.
- ...tomorrow.
- (GROANS)
How is a Friday Thanksgiving great news?
Someone pulled a Marvin, and the
kids are stuck in Nashville.
Music City? Oh, no!
So much hot chicken and angry fiddlin'!
But you guys are welcome to stay
here and enjoy each other's...
- Lou, we forgot our coats.
- We have more at home.
- Keep it moving.
- Thanks, Mrs. G.
I-I'm thankful
for those delicious smells
and the vague sense that my girlfriend
is alive somewhere out there.
POP-POP: Well, I'm out of here.
I would like to say it was fun,
but it was literally a pain
in my ass, teeth, and bones.
Ben, you're going nowhere.
You're injured,
and we have plenty of room.
Are the rest of the Kennedys
okay with a guest in their compound? Mm?
ADULT ADAM: As Pop-Pop was
ready to call it a night,
Uncle Marvin was taking
the new day by storm.
Wakey-wakey.
Guess which cool uncle
solved all your problems.
Thank God. You got us on another flight?
Better. I scored us a ride
with a stranger
I met at the ice machine.
- What?
- Crazy story...
I was filling up the bathtub
for my road turkey...
- Ham.
- ...and then, on the tenth trip,
I met this guy who was so displeased
with the fact that I was
taking all the ice,
so I blamed it on the folks in room 702.
(CHUCKLES) What's their story?
Anyway, now we're best friends,
and I scored us a ride to Philly.
This seems like the start
of a horror movie.
Or a great friendship.
I like the sound of
this mysterious ice fella.
I'm glad you dig it
because we leave in 20.
Trust me, the rest of the way
is gonna be sweet and easy.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Well, I've never been robbed before.
I'm sorry I screamed so much.
I can't believe he even took
the Cobra matchstick from my lips.
Now I just look like a fool.
Yeah, that's what did it.
Hey, look on the bright side...
He didn't want our turkey, okay?
He only wanted our money
and our watches and our IDs.
A warm ham is not gonna
replace my go-kart license!
We were five freaking minutes from home,
and now we're on
some deserted Southern road
with only a ham to our name.
This is the finest turkey
in all the land!
It's a ham!
And the only turkey around here is you.
Listen, I made mistakes, okay?
But you're still on my team, right, Bar?
I used to think you pulling
a Marvin was hilarious,
but, honestly, now it's kind of sad.
We're gonna find our own way home.
♪
Damn it.
I think this is a ham.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry
quit my Uncle Marvin cold turkey,
my mom was excited to have
a Thanksgiving Day redo.
Morning, Ben. Oh, I'm so glad to
see you up and feeling better,
and I promise,
we are gonna have a great...
The [Bleep] are you eating?
Gobble gobble. (CHUCKLES)
It's cold, but it's tasty.
Did you carve my bird?
No, I just yanked the leg off.
(GRUNTS) It fought me, but I won.
Damn it, Ben, I worked
my ass off preparing this.
I'm enjoying it. (CHUCKLES)
What more do you want?
To eat it together as a family.
There's plenty more.
Besides, eh, the big guy
hasn't even been at it.
The big guy? You mean your son?
Your child?
Like he needs anything
more from me, huh?
What? He's got the big house,
got the tables full of food,
the fancy doodads.
Not to mention you, Blondie,
and those annoying rugrats of yours.
Mm-hmm. Okay, you know what?
I think it's time you left.
What? What are you talking about?
I have tried to be on your side,
but you know what? Murray was right.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- You are just awful.
Whatever happened to all that "family
takes care of family" baloney?
Yeah, I don't think you really
want to be part of this family
'cause family doesn't
treat people like that.
(MUMBLING) Please don't make me go.
Did you say something?
I want to... stay.
Ben, just say whatever awful
thing it is you're gonna say.
(NORMAL VOICE) Well, what if...
I want to be part of the family?
I, uh, want to get along with my son,
but I don't know how.
(DOOR CLOSES)
If that's really what you
want, I can help you.
Oh, I knew I could get
my perfect Thanksgiving.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
I mean, it's Friday,
and I ate all the corn.
After being "Planes, Trains and
Automobiles."-ed by Uncle Marvin,
Barry and Erica found themselves
further from home than ever.
Look. There's a bus leaving
for Philly in ten minutes.
Perfect. If only that guy hadn't
stolen our wallets and your dignity.
Those were the tears of a
warrior preparing to strike.
- We're never getting home.
- Oh, yes, you are.
Marvin, please don't
make things any worse...
(SHUSHING)
I know that I blew it before,
and the time before that, and
like a million times before that,
but all that's gonna change now.
Did you steal another Chevette?
'Vette. And, no.
But I do have a great idea
to get you guys home.
Because what's even worse than
making you miss Thanksgiving
is knowing that
I'm the dumbass responsible.
What are you saying?
Just trust me one last time,
and I promise that "pulling a Marvin,"
it's gonna mean something good.
Okay.
Let's see what you got.
ADULT ADAM: With that,
Barry and Erica had no choice
but to trust our uncle,
and that's when he pulled
his most epic Marvin yet.
- Tickets, please.
- No time!
Me and my compadres here
work for the medical FBI!
And we are mandated to get this very
real human heart to Philly, STAT.
Thanksgiving and Uncle Marvin's
reputation hung in the balance.
We just needed one little
"yes" to make it home.
Whatever.
Eh, close enough.
I can't believe that worked.
You actually did it, Uncle Marvin.
Yeah. I kinda did. (CHUCKLES)
As Barry and Erica
were finally headed home,
my dad and Pop-Pop were having a
hard time finding the right words...
Or any words.
Okay, so, let me get the ball rolling.
Murray, maybe you could say
something like,
"Dad, I'm upset about..."
Meh.
Maybe Ben can start.
Ben, maybe you could say to Murray, uh,
"Murray, what you need to understand..."
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right, this is not gonna work
unless everybody uses words.
Fine!
You were a crap dad then,
and you're a crap dad now.
- How's that?
- BEVERLY: Really bad.
Not constructive or helpful in any way.
He's right. I wasn't a great dad...
- 'Cause he was a crappy kid.
- Exactly.
We were kids, you jackass!
Okay, this was a mistake.
Let's just go back to angry silence.
After your mother left,
I was stuck with two dumb boys
and didn't know how to be
a parent, bonehead.
How is that my fault, you jerk?
It isn't. I was just scared and lonely
and overwhelmed...
And I got angry and took it out
on the wrong people, dumbass.
Well, I didn't know that, moron.
I know you're yelling
and it all sounds hateful,
but this is really good.
I had to raise myself and my brother
because you wouldn't, you piece of crap.
And that is my greatest
regret, you fathead idiot.
That is the nicest thing
that you have ever said to me,
you old sack of bones!
It's working.
It sounds so terrible,
but it's beautiful.
That's why I crap on everything
you have, because I'm jealous.
I mean, look at your life.
Look at this big, dumb house
and your beautiful moron family.
It is nice!
And I'm proud of myself.
You should be, you ass.
I'm glad I could share it with you,
- you son of a bitch.
- Me, too!
I'd like to make up for lost time, putz.
I'd very much like that,
you broken old bastard!
This is what I'm talking about!
It's finally Thanks-[Bleep]-giving!
ADULT ADAM: Yep, thanks to my mom,
Pop-Pop and my dad
finally broke through,
and Barry and Erica decided
that "pulling a Marvin"
wasn't a bad thing after all.
It meant showing up
when it mattered most.
And even though it was Friday
and there wasn't any corn,
Thanksgiving finally came together.
To all of us.
ALL: Salud.
You did it, Mom.
You pulled off the perfect Thanksgiving.
ADULT ADAM: That's the
awesome thing about family.
Just when you think hope is lost,
people who care surprise you
in ways you never expected.
We still talk about
that legendary Thanksgiving
to this very day, 'cause in the end,
no matter how crazy the journey home is,
the best part is being together.
♪ Every time you go away ♪
_
Thanksgiving.
How did you like this Thanksgiving?
Pretty good. How about you?
ADAM: Hi.
(BELL DINGS)
I can't believe I've never seen
the movie Cobra.
Ah, you're gonna love it, kid.
Besides Sly, it's got Danish
bombshell Brigitte Nielsen.
- (GROANS)
- Red Sonja herself.
I'll get us the tickets.
No need. This one's on Uncle Marvin.
Please tell me your wallet's in there.
Wallets are for people
who play by the rules.
Code blue!
We got an emergency liver
transplant in... theater four.
I'm gonna need a bucket of ice
and a large popcorn, STAT!
- Yeah, that'll be nine dollars.
- Here's ten.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Thanksgiving meant football,
the Macy's Day Parade, and
my dad's favorite movie...
"Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
Those aren't pillows!
Ooh!
Ooh-hoo! He thought his
buns were his pillows,
but they were his buns!
(LAUGHS)
I liked when he was going
the wrong way on the highway.
(LAUGHS) I've done that.
It's like John Hughes
made this just for me.
Well, he didn't, Gene Shalit.
So, why don't you pipe down
and go help your mom with the giblets?
I will. But only 'cause
I don't know what giblets are,
and I like to learn.
ADULT ADAM: My mom was
determined to butter up
more than just the turkey this year.
Tell me. How's your dad?
Is the movie working?
Does he seem joyful and
full of Thanksgiving cheer?
He did chuckle twice,
but those also might
have been small burps.
I really need your dad
to be in a great mood.
(WHISPERING) Pop-Pop is coming.
- Pop-Pop?
- Shh! Your dad can't know!
Yeah, the cursing old guy
at the end of the dinner table
will be our little secret.
(NORMAL VOICE)
Family takes care of family,
but, yes, he's terrible in every
way that counts in society.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's father
could be a tad unpleasant.
Whatever this is,
I don't want it or need it.
It's me, your grandson.
What the [Bleep] is this?
I don't drink lady soda.
- How you doing, Ben?
- You think you're better than me?
And that is why you never
trust a Polynesian.
Plus, he makes Dad absolutely miserable.
It's gonna be another Angst-giving.
- Angst-giving?
- It's clever wordplay.
I'm super proud of it,
even though it's gonna be
- a living nightmare for everyone.
- Not this year.
I'm gonna give your dad
the best day ever
so that when he finally
does see Pop-Pop,
he won't even mind.
Sure, 'cause people rarely
hold onto the memory
of the person who hurt
them most as a child.
First, I'll let Steve Martin
and John Candy
work their thin guy/fat guy chemistry,
then I'll invite
his dingbat friends over.
Don't Bill and Vic have to be
with their own miserable
families on Thanksgiving?
Lucky for us, Bill is totally alone.
- He has no one.
- That is lucky.
And Vic is Canadian.
And those moose kissers
celebrate Thanksgiving
in October for hockey
or maple syrup reasons.
Yeah, I guess Vic and Bill
do calm Dad down,
like that blanket you throw
on Lucky when it thunders.
And then comes my masterstroke...
Your dad is gonna watch his
beloved Eagles beat the Cowboys.
How are you gonna guarantee
the Eagles win?
Easy. I told him the game
starts at 2:00.
They already played,
and those bumbling green
doofuses somehow won.
So, you recorded it and you're
gonna play it back for him.
I admit, it's brilliant.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Except for one small snag.
(GROANS)
Ben?
I know you told me to come over at 4:00,
but I have no heat,
and you people like to
burn money, so here I am.
You brought a little something?
Thank you.
- It's empty.
- It's for leftovers.
I'm on a fixed income.
Oh, where's your can?
I took a hit off the garden hose
and my bladder is the size of a cashew.
- There's one upstairs.
- Ooh-la-la.
Second floor.
Oh, look at this one with
the fancy head glasses.
They're for seeing.
Also, hello, Granddad.
Dad! The hell are you doing here?
Came through the back because I got lost
wandering through this landed
estate which is Murray Acres.
It's just a simple suburban home.
Whatever helps you sleep
at night, sellout.
Eh. Wait, but come here.
Ooh. Look at this.
I thought you had to be dead
to have skin that gray,
but turns out you just look like crap.
Anyway, so, kid, here.
Hang this up for me, will ya?
Oh!
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
ADULT ADAM: It was Thanksgiving
Day, 1980-something,
and Barry and Erica were ready to be
picked up for the short ride home.
(SIGHS) I'm dying.
I haven't eaten in 17 hours.
I'm gonna regret asking. Why?
Just like the Pilgrims,
I'm starving myself
to maximize stomach space
for the turkey bounty that lies ahead.
Crack a history book.
If you were in Pilgrim times,
you'd die immediately.
Probably of some shoe-buckle mishap.
Or I'd win over the Indians
by introducing them
to the ultimate weapon... Nunchucks.
Boom. Big Tasty's face
on every totem pole.
That honestly might be the
dumbest thing I've ever heard.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
What's got four wheels
and is your uncle?
This guy.
Well, I spoke too soon.
Wait, why are you here?
I thought Geoff was
supposed to pick us up.
New plan. You guys were on the way,
so I told your parents I'd pick you up.
Now, get in the 'Vette and let's ride.
But this isn't a Corvette.
It's a Chev-ette.
Yeah. It's a Chevy 'Vette.
We're talking the same
language here, nephew.
- Now, get in.
- Whoa, Uncle Marvin,
you've lost a lot of weight.
Thanks for noticing.
You ever heard of an Egyptian tapeworm?
- God, no.
- Well, consider yourself lucky.
Well, you look good,
and I dig that outfit.
Kind of look like Sly Stallone
in that movie Cobra.
You mean hero cop
Marion "Cobra" Cobretti?
'Cause I have no idea
what you're talking about.
All right. Everybody, strap in.
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
Come on.
Come on.
Stupid piece of American steel!
He's already pulling a Marvin.
I'm not pulling a Marvin.
- ADULT ADAM: But of course he was.
- Ooh!
See, Uncle Marvin always found a way
to screw up the simplest tasks.
Oh, I hate Thanksgiving!
- I hate it so much!
- I'm a healer!
Let me heal you!
I! Am! Not! Irresponsible!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Oh. Nice.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Hey, guys.
I'm supposed to scoop you.
That's who I was supposed to call.
Man, that's on me.
Sorry, smiley haircut.
Not a worry. You just pulled a Marvin.
I didn't pull anything.
Maybe we should just ride with Geoff.
No, I can handle a simple drive home,
just like I handled my
hungry, hungry tapeworm.
Oh, that explains your dramatic and
concerning face and body change.
Your face is concerning.
We'll just see you and your
parents back at the house.
Your parents are coming?
(LAUGHS) You're all so screwed.
- (LAUGHS)
- I'm zonked.
You guys must be bushed
from however school works.
Why don't you just sit back
and relax and close your eyes,
and let the purr of my 'Vette
sing you to sleep.
Sounds good.
I love to wake up in a new location.
ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
things went south from there.
And also west.
(YAWNS)
Man... I feel so refreshed,
like I slept forever.
Oh, please. I slept
ten times better than you.
Uncle Marvin, who's a better sleeper?
Wait, where are we?
This doesn't look familiar.
BARRY: Pittsburgh?
- What the hell, man?
- It's all good.
I just took a teeny, tiny stop
to get a farm fresh turkey.
I musta gotten turned around on 76.
For hundreds of miles?
I got too much pride to stop
and ask for directions.
That big Pittsburgh sign
back there was my first clue.
Dude, this isn't even a turkey.
It's a ham!
That's a turkey, all right.
It's a beautiful, boneless,
spiral-cut, honey-glazed turkey.
I don't care what it is!
Tear me off a pig wing so
I can stuff it in my mouth!
- Hey! Hey!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Whoa! Not a chance, mister.
That bad pink bird is for dinner.
From now on, "pulling a Marvin"
is gonna be about farm fresh turkey
and getting children home safely.
We're in Western
Pennsylvania with a ham.
You're oh-for-two.
(SCOFFS) Don't sweat, Boba Fett.
Sign says we're right by the airport.
We'll just ditch the 'Vette,
we'll get a flight,
everyone will be home safe and sound.
ADULT ADAM: As my brother and
sister prepared to fly home,
Pop-Pop was already
flying off the handle.
Football. Come on,
let's watch the parade.
That leggy Mary Hart's
doing the play-by-play.
Never. It's my Eagles.
Come on. Sometimes
there's a gust of wind
and that schmuck holding Snoopy's ropes,
he goes airborne,
and he lands on some kids.
This is my house.
If it was your house,
there'd be no father,
and we'd have to raise ourselves.
That's still a thing with you? Huh?
Move on. I have.
It's a real treat when the
Goldberg men get together.
It's not okay in there.
You could cut that tension
with the knife in Ben's boot.
Which he showed to me.
He said he needs it
for when he rides on the bus.
I know, but the perfect
Thanksgiving plan is still intact,
and it all starts with a
slice of delicious...
Oh, spiced ass!
- Oh!
- Murray won't even blink.
It's okay. The day can
still be salvaged.
Bill and Vic will be here any minute.
- Bill and Vic aren't coming.
- The hell you say to me?
Ooh! Did you just chuck a yam at me?
Oh, butch it up. It was cooked.
It's not my fault Bill's appendix
exploded three days ago.
They just found him.
His side is super infected.
Oh, that selfish bastard.
He sends his love.
And as for Vic,
he's serving turkey dinners
at a homeless shelter.
Of all the days to do that.
Yeah, I'm not sure your perfect
Thanksgiving plan is working out.
It's okay. We still have the Eagles.
MURRAY: Beverly!
You recorded my Eagles game!
Oh, I can explain.
- Uh, Adam did it.
- Me?
He's our common enemy
that we can all rally against.
Just go with it. It's fun.
Forget this. I'm going to the basement
to play with my real friends,
Mario and Luigi.
Uch. They sound like they have accents.
Anyway, sorry about your stupid game.
I was just trying to get the parade,
and I pressed, uh, one of
your fancy VCR buttons.
But why would you turn on the
parade during Murray's game?
What? Are you another parade hater?
You ruined my game.
- But the Eagles won!
- They won?
- Back to the parade.
- (TAPE REWINDS)
Oh! Did it again.
They won in overtime
on a Hail Mary pass!
This is literally the
worst day of my life!
Hey, hey, hey. (CHUCKLES)
Murray, you see the game?
Holy crap! What a doozy!
I hate football, and even
I thought it was thrilling,
like watching a movie about football.
Such a doozy!
Oh, I could really feel
the city around us
come alive in those last few moments.
A doozy!
We get it. You saw the game, okay?
And for some reason,
you keep saying "doozy."
Erica said this night would
make us question everything.
By the way, where is
my little Turkey Day buffer?
(BUTTON BEEPS)
Excuse me... Panam.
Such an exotic name.
Are you from the Orient?
Pan Am is the airline.
I'm Elaine from here.
Please don't correct me,
Elaine from here.
It's an ugly color on you.
Now, when can I expect
meal service, huh?
I'm sorry, it's a 40-minute flight,
so we won't even be coming by
with the beverage cart.
What about peanuts?
This gentleman right here
took the last bag.
If you don't want me taking them,
don't leave them in the back of
the bottom drawer in the galley.
Damn it, we should be home right now.
Geoff isn't equipped to handle
our family's holiday bullcrap.
Listen, I got your back.
Why don't we use
this handy-dandy air phone
and we'll inform them that we're
running a little bit behind.
Great idea. I'm starving.
Let's order a pizza first.
These phones cost like $11 a minute.
Money's no object.
Give me your credit card.
Me? Use yours.
Mine were all cut up in nine
unrelated misunderstandings.
(SIGHS)
Dad did give me a credit card
to use during an emergency.
What? Why would he
give you one and not me?
At the airport, we could've bought food
and important Pittsburgh
trinkets and baubles.
Shh. It's ringing.
(SPEAKING QUICKLY) Hi, Mom, it's Erica.
We're gonna be late because
Marvin pulled a Marvin,
and we're in the skies over Pittsburgh.
Okay, see you soon, bye.
You see? No problem.
Uncle Marvelous will have
you guys home lickety-split.
- (PA CHIMES)
- PILOT: Bad news, folks.
Due to some unforeseen
weather in Philadelphia,
we are being diverted to Nashville.
That announcement could
have been for any flight.
ADULT ADAM: While Marvin and my
siblings were going off-course,
my mom's plans were heading
the same way.
So, Mr. Goldberg Senior,
are you retired?
You know, 14 years ago,
these sons of bitches
gave me a Timex watch
and shoved me out the door.
They got the best years of my life.
(GRUNTS) So, screw them.
What are you up to these days?
Well, most recently, uh,
I'm being grilled by this grinning
schnook who thinks he's Donahue.
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
- Engaging you.
- When are we eating, Murray?
I don't like these people.
These people can hear you.
They know how they are.
Okay, well, I just got off
the phone with Erica.
Everything's fine, but they're a...
a bit delayed
somewhere over Pittsburgh.
Oh, no, the Steel City!
They have so many rivers!
Let me guess. That other
moron son of mine
- pulled a Marvin? (GRUNTS)
- He did, in fact, pull his namesake.
But, uh, let me pull a Beverly
- and drop another veggie platter.
- Oh, screw this.
There's only so much jicama
a man can eat.
Dad, don't go.
Hmm?
- Now you can.
- Wait, Ben, Ben.
You can go watch the
parade in the basement
until dinner's ready.
Is that okay with everyone?
- I guess.
- It's not in here.
He's got his coat.
Great, just go downstairs
and make yourself comfortable.
Don't mind if I do.
(GASPS) Oh, my.
That's not okay!
The human body changes over time!
ADULT ADAM: Yes, Pop-Pop
ruined a lot of Thanksgivings,
but nothing compared to what came next.
Ooh! Son of a...
Pop-Pop!
My crotchety grandfather took
a tumble down the stairs!
I knew I had to act fast, so I did this.
Now, that's a doozy.
(GROANS)
Uncle Marvin's 15-minute drive
had turned into a 12-hour
layover in Nashville.
Man! Music City's got it all.
I mean, I know it's Thanksgiving
and we're stuck in an airport hotel,
but (SCOFFS) who wants
to go honky-tonkin'?
I want you to shut up.
- I'm calling home.
- Oh, God.
They're probably eating already.
Tell Mom to pour gravy into the phone
so I can taste it with my ears.
Good thing I nabbed a little something
from the maid's cart in the
hallway to tide you over.
Oh!
Oh, sweet, minty sustenance!
- (LINE RINGS)
- Where the hell are you?
A motel in Nashville.
Ho...
That's a "ho-tel."
Hotel, with an "H" there, Bevy.
And Uncle Marvin has got this, okay?
What you've got are my
children in Tennessee.
Yeah, well, you're the only "Ten I see."
(CHUCKLES) Is that helping?
No. Get them home, now.
MARVIN: Okay, Uncle
Marvin's on the case.
Don't worry, you're gonna see
your kids tomorrow
or sometime next week. Ta!
- (RECEIVER CLICKS)
- Okay, here's the headline...
That "Ten I see" line
doesn't work over the phone.
ADULT ADAM: Despite my Mom's hopes
for a perfect Thanksgiving,
it had all come crashing down.
Specifically, my grandfather's old body.
Let me look at you. I'm a doctor.
You? A doctor? Eh, eh, no way.
He's a very well-regarded
ophthalmologist.
Great. If I need a pair of glasses
for my knee, I'll let him know.
This man is a pill!
Which is something you can't prescribe
from your LensCrafters in the mall.
Dad! He's just trying to be helpful.
Him? What about me?
Pop-Pop cartwheeling down
the stairs messed me up bad.
Give me one of those.
Oh, no. Did he crash into you
with his stumbly-crumbly body?
I might be sharing too much,
but I briefly lost consciousness.
Did one of his beige orthopedic
sneakers clock you in the noggin?
No, he fainted, like a lady.
Nice work with this one, Mur.
Oh, so now you're giving me
parenting advice?
Hey, remember Thanksgiving in our house?
I don't, because we never had one!
Yeah, well, you had something else.
It was called dinner,
and it was almost every night.
Great news, everyone.
Thanksgiving dinner is...
Please say served.
- ...tomorrow.
- (GROANS)
How is a Friday Thanksgiving great news?
Someone pulled a Marvin, and the
kids are stuck in Nashville.
Music City? Oh, no!
So much hot chicken and angry fiddlin'!
But you guys are welcome to stay
here and enjoy each other's...
- Lou, we forgot our coats.
- We have more at home.
- Keep it moving.
- Thanks, Mrs. G.
I-I'm thankful
for those delicious smells
and the vague sense that my girlfriend
is alive somewhere out there.
POP-POP: Well, I'm out of here.
I would like to say it was fun,
but it was literally a pain
in my ass, teeth, and bones.
Ben, you're going nowhere.
You're injured,
and we have plenty of room.
Are the rest of the Kennedys
okay with a guest in their compound? Mm?
ADULT ADAM: As Pop-Pop was
ready to call it a night,
Uncle Marvin was taking
the new day by storm.
Wakey-wakey.
Guess which cool uncle
solved all your problems.
Thank God. You got us on another flight?
Better. I scored us a ride
with a stranger
I met at the ice machine.
- What?
- Crazy story...
I was filling up the bathtub
for my road turkey...
- Ham.
- ...and then, on the tenth trip,
I met this guy who was so displeased
with the fact that I was
taking all the ice,
so I blamed it on the folks in room 702.
(CHUCKLES) What's their story?
Anyway, now we're best friends,
and I scored us a ride to Philly.
This seems like the start
of a horror movie.
Or a great friendship.
I like the sound of
this mysterious ice fella.
I'm glad you dig it
because we leave in 20.
Trust me, the rest of the way
is gonna be sweet and easy.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Well, I've never been robbed before.
I'm sorry I screamed so much.
I can't believe he even took
the Cobra matchstick from my lips.
Now I just look like a fool.
Yeah, that's what did it.
Hey, look on the bright side...
He didn't want our turkey, okay?
He only wanted our money
and our watches and our IDs.
A warm ham is not gonna
replace my go-kart license!
We were five freaking minutes from home,
and now we're on
some deserted Southern road
with only a ham to our name.
This is the finest turkey
in all the land!
It's a ham!
And the only turkey around here is you.
Listen, I made mistakes, okay?
But you're still on my team, right, Bar?
I used to think you pulling
a Marvin was hilarious,
but, honestly, now it's kind of sad.
We're gonna find our own way home.
♪
Damn it.
I think this is a ham.
ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry
quit my Uncle Marvin cold turkey,
my mom was excited to have
a Thanksgiving Day redo.
Morning, Ben. Oh, I'm so glad to
see you up and feeling better,
and I promise,
we are gonna have a great...
The [Bleep] are you eating?
Gobble gobble. (CHUCKLES)
It's cold, but it's tasty.
Did you carve my bird?
No, I just yanked the leg off.
(GRUNTS) It fought me, but I won.
Damn it, Ben, I worked
my ass off preparing this.
I'm enjoying it. (CHUCKLES)
What more do you want?
To eat it together as a family.
There's plenty more.
Besides, eh, the big guy
hasn't even been at it.
The big guy? You mean your son?
Your child?
Like he needs anything
more from me, huh?
What? He's got the big house,
got the tables full of food,
the fancy doodads.
Not to mention you, Blondie,
and those annoying rugrats of yours.
Mm-hmm. Okay, you know what?
I think it's time you left.
What? What are you talking about?
I have tried to be on your side,
but you know what? Murray was right.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- You are just awful.
Whatever happened to all that "family
takes care of family" baloney?
Yeah, I don't think you really
want to be part of this family
'cause family doesn't
treat people like that.
(MUMBLING) Please don't make me go.
Did you say something?
I want to... stay.
Ben, just say whatever awful
thing it is you're gonna say.
(NORMAL VOICE) Well, what if...
I want to be part of the family?
I, uh, want to get along with my son,
but I don't know how.
(DOOR CLOSES)
If that's really what you
want, I can help you.
Oh, I knew I could get
my perfect Thanksgiving.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
I mean, it's Friday,
and I ate all the corn.
After being "Planes, Trains and
Automobiles."-ed by Uncle Marvin,
Barry and Erica found themselves
further from home than ever.
Look. There's a bus leaving
for Philly in ten minutes.
Perfect. If only that guy hadn't
stolen our wallets and your dignity.
Those were the tears of a
warrior preparing to strike.
- We're never getting home.
- Oh, yes, you are.
Marvin, please don't
make things any worse...
(SHUSHING)
I know that I blew it before,
and the time before that, and
like a million times before that,
but all that's gonna change now.
Did you steal another Chevette?
'Vette. And, no.
But I do have a great idea
to get you guys home.
Because what's even worse than
making you miss Thanksgiving
is knowing that
I'm the dumbass responsible.
What are you saying?
Just trust me one last time,
and I promise that "pulling a Marvin,"
it's gonna mean something good.
Okay.
Let's see what you got.
ADULT ADAM: With that,
Barry and Erica had no choice
but to trust our uncle,
and that's when he pulled
his most epic Marvin yet.
- Tickets, please.
- No time!
Me and my compadres here
work for the medical FBI!
And we are mandated to get this very
real human heart to Philly, STAT.
Thanksgiving and Uncle Marvin's
reputation hung in the balance.
We just needed one little
"yes" to make it home.
Whatever.
Eh, close enough.
I can't believe that worked.
You actually did it, Uncle Marvin.
Yeah. I kinda did. (CHUCKLES)
As Barry and Erica
were finally headed home,
my dad and Pop-Pop were having a
hard time finding the right words...
Or any words.
Okay, so, let me get the ball rolling.
Murray, maybe you could say
something like,
"Dad, I'm upset about..."
Meh.
Maybe Ben can start.
Ben, maybe you could say to Murray, uh,
"Murray, what you need to understand..."
(CLEARS THROAT)
All right, this is not gonna work
unless everybody uses words.
Fine!
You were a crap dad then,
and you're a crap dad now.
- How's that?
- BEVERLY: Really bad.
Not constructive or helpful in any way.
He's right. I wasn't a great dad...
- 'Cause he was a crappy kid.
- Exactly.
We were kids, you jackass!
Okay, this was a mistake.
Let's just go back to angry silence.
After your mother left,
I was stuck with two dumb boys
and didn't know how to be
a parent, bonehead.
How is that my fault, you jerk?
It isn't. I was just scared and lonely
and overwhelmed...
And I got angry and took it out
on the wrong people, dumbass.
Well, I didn't know that, moron.
I know you're yelling
and it all sounds hateful,
but this is really good.
I had to raise myself and my brother
because you wouldn't, you piece of crap.
And that is my greatest
regret, you fathead idiot.
That is the nicest thing
that you have ever said to me,
you old sack of bones!
It's working.
It sounds so terrible,
but it's beautiful.
That's why I crap on everything
you have, because I'm jealous.
I mean, look at your life.
Look at this big, dumb house
and your beautiful moron family.
It is nice!
And I'm proud of myself.
You should be, you ass.
I'm glad I could share it with you,
- you son of a bitch.
- Me, too!
I'd like to make up for lost time, putz.
I'd very much like that,
you broken old bastard!
This is what I'm talking about!
It's finally Thanks-[Bleep]-giving!
ADULT ADAM: Yep, thanks to my mom,
Pop-Pop and my dad
finally broke through,
and Barry and Erica decided
that "pulling a Marvin"
wasn't a bad thing after all.
It meant showing up
when it mattered most.
And even though it was Friday
and there wasn't any corn,
Thanksgiving finally came together.
To all of us.
ALL: Salud.
You did it, Mom.
You pulled off the perfect Thanksgiving.
ADULT ADAM: That's the
awesome thing about family.
Just when you think hope is lost,
people who care surprise you
in ways you never expected.
We still talk about
that legendary Thanksgiving
to this very day, 'cause in the end,
no matter how crazy the journey home is,
the best part is being together.
♪ Every time you go away ♪
_
Thanksgiving.
How did you like this Thanksgiving?
Pretty good. How about you?
ADAM: Hi.
(BELL DINGS)
I can't believe I've never seen
the movie Cobra.
Ah, you're gonna love it, kid.
Besides Sly, it's got Danish
bombshell Brigitte Nielsen.
- (GROANS)
- Red Sonja herself.
I'll get us the tickets.
No need. This one's on Uncle Marvin.
Please tell me your wallet's in there.
Wallets are for people
who play by the rules.
Code blue!
We got an emergency liver
transplant in... theater four.
I'm gonna need a bucket of ice
and a large popcorn, STAT!
- Yeah, that'll be nine dollars.
- Here's ten.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com