The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - WrestleMania - full transcript

Back in the '80s, every kid was obsessed

with professional wrestling's
greatest superstars.

Especially me!

You're gonna feel pain you've
never known, Iron Sheik!

Bodyslam!

You moron! You broke the bed!

And The Iron Sheik's spine,

so American values are preserved!

Where do you come from?

Yep. We even made
movies about wrestling.

But no one loved it more than Barry.



Listen up, Hulkamaniacs,

you better eat your vitamins
and say your prayers

'cause these 24-inch pythons

are gonna have lots to say
about it, brother!

Ow, my toe!

Dammit! This is why
we can't have nice lamps!

- Chad did it! He's...
- What?

very aggressive and should know
better as a guest in our home!

I do know better, which is why I didn't!

And just throw some lies

on top of your trail of
destruction, Chad!

- This guy.
- We were just

making a wrestling film.

Well, now you're just sitting in
my lampless room making nothing.



I'm shutting it down!

Check it out!
Dad's wrestling the camera!

Cam-er-a!

- Where's the button, something?
- Cam-er-a!

Damn it! That's it!

No more wrestling in this house.

No more TV, no more
dolls, all holds barred!

What about my monthly
wrestling magazine?

Subscription cancelled!

Or the Rock 'n' Wrestling coloring book?

I want your crayons, too!

What about the Wrestling Stars
board game?

- You lose!
- Sling-'Em Fling-'Em Wrestling Ring?

Why would anyone want that?

"Macho Man" Randy Savage
plush wrestling buddy?

I swear you said that one already.

Wrestling Superstars Thumb Wrestlers?

Did I buy you all these?

"The Honky Tonk Man's" guitar?

Now you're just making these up!

Jesse "The Body" Ventura's boa.

Be careful with that.
It's your sister's.

- Hulk Hogan's glasses.
- I've been looking for those!

Brutus "The Barber"
Beefcake's hedge clippers.

Those belong in the garage!

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine,
master of the figure four leglock.

Who's naming these guys?

Or "The British Bulldog's" teacups.

- Cheerio.
- Those are for good company!

Or my "Rowdy" Roddy
Piper stretch wrestler?

That's actually my Rowdy
Roddy Piper stretch wrestler!

No, it's my Rowdy Roddy
Piper stretch wrestler!

You lost your Rowdy Roddy Piper
stretch wrestler at the zoo!

Damn it! I said no wrestling!

This isn't wrestling!
This is real fighting!

Now gimme back my Rowdy Roddy
Piper stretch wrestler, you...

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 6, 1980-something,

and trouble was brewing in Jenkintown.

Oh, gosh, Bevy, I'm a wreck.

Someone broke into my car last night.

Oh, no!

They put a giant hole in my windshield.

You know, Geoff
had the same thing happen

to his crappy car last night.

Yeah, someone put a hole
in my windshield, too.

And in my sense of well-being.

Two separate vehicle attacks?

There's only one possible explanation.

Something reasonable that ends here?

A massive crime spree
has hit Jenkintown,

and we have to do something about it.

And so, my mom did just that.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

I've got Officer Puchinski
here to give us some tips

about how to deal with this crime wave

and make sure that
nobody gets decapitated.

Decapitated?

It's just a hole in my windshield!

Well, that's how it starts, Geoffrey.

Do you have any enemies?

Well, the sun is no friend of mine.

I freckle up fierce.

We're not talking about your gross skin.

We're talking about someone

that might want to separate your head

from your shoulders, and
do God knows what with it.

Somebody please do something!

Officer, any leads on who
might lop off Geoff's head?

Nope. But I suppose you can start

with a neighborhood watch.

You know, pick a captain and
walk around the neighborhood.

Well, then it's settled.

Everyone will sleep safely tonight

knowing that Captain Beverly Goldberg

- is your champion of peace...
- I'll do it.

It was our neighbor, Jane Bales,

the one person in town

who was even more Beverly
Goldberg than Beverly Goldberg.

Oh. Jane.

How cute.

I think, though, everybody agrees
I should be captain

because Beverly Goldberg
gets things done.

Except the person who
really gets things done

is Jane Bales.

Well, she gets 'em done
without a coaster

... apparently.

Let me tell you how
Bevy G gets things done.

I'm the kinda lady

who will return a bathing
suit without a receipt.

Big whoop.

I returned a bathing
suit without a receipt

after wearing it for a year.

I once returned just
an elastic waistband

to a store I didn't even buy it from

because that is what
kinda nightmare I am.

I returned a one-piece

I didn't even have in
my possession to a bank.

Oh, yeah, I am a walking
demon on this Earth.

Most importantly,

what exactly is your plan

to keep our neighborhood safe?

I thought we would develop some signals

in case there are, uh,
cutthroats or marauders

on the street,

you know, like...

Bird noises. That's Beverly's plan.

Here's mine.

Can you just hold that?

I've listed 10 different ways

to keep our neighborhood safe,

from posting signs to
installing better lights.

- So well researched.
- Beautiful typography.

Elegant, like her.

Oh, shut your holes, you gassy nags!

Wow. We should probably vote right now.

Or we can postpone the vote

until I can bedazzle
a poster board myself.

- Yay! We're doing that.
- No.

I'm not coming back here.

Who wants this lady as captain?

How dare you? You old toads!

She has good plans, Bevy.

Officer, I'm losing.

Take out your gun and make me captain.

No.

While my mom lost her bid for captain,

my brother and I were hoping
to win big with our dad.

Father, out of respect
for you and "Manimal,"

- we waited for a commercial.
- Indeed.

But the most important
event in human history,

WrestleMania IV, is happening,

and we humbly seek your help.

This request is merely financial.

And since you know we respect

the enraging-yet-reasonable
wrestling ban

due to broken lamps and Barry's toe,

which is healing ahead of schedule...

It is way not, but such is life.

... all we need is the measly
pay-per-view fee of $24.95

to view the aforementioned
event in the basement.

To express our desires,

we've put together a music dance

laser-light... extravaganza.

♪ WrestleMania IV ♪

- ♪ WrestleMania, WrestleMania ♪
- ♪ WrestleMania IV ♪

The front row will get wet.

Get that garbage bag away from me.

- Wait, before you say no...
- Yes.

You cheap old bastard!
I've never liked you!

Wait. What?

Here you go.

And, uh, throw it on on the TV
upstairs so I can watch it, too.

Uh...

And afterwards, the three of us

can head to Bookbinder's for some crab,

- make a night out of it.
- Dad, respectfully,

did you fall off the toilet again?

Yeah, since when do you
want to watch wrestling

or spend money or be with us?

Since now!

Can't a dad have a little
bonding time with his sons?

A dad can, but not our dad.

Just buy the damn wrestling, morons!

- There's our guy!
- That feels right!

Murray, you don't just inject yourself

into their lives like it's normal.

What's going on?

Remember that, uh,
dermatologist I saw last year?

I knew I'd outlive you.

No. My skin is perfect.

But the doctor, not so much. He's dead.

Dr. Lewenstein?

He was younger than you and very active.

Yeah, well, it didn't matter.

One day, he's camping with his kids,

the next day, poof, he's gone.

He always had his shirt off.

- Abs like a xylophone.
- We get it.

The point is, if something
like that happened to me,

my kids wouldn't even be able
to say that we went camping.

Barry hates camping.

He can barely poop indoors.

Camping is just an example.
It could be anything.

Otherwise, what are
they gonna say about me?

That you had the decency
to keep your shirt on.

And you're Bruce Lee?

Look, you've been saying all year

how you want to make some
memories with the kids.

Now's your chance.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm throwing away good money
to watch something I hate.

That's a memory that'll last forever.

You wanna make it special?

Take them to see it in person.

As our dad considered
taking us to WrestleMania,

our mom wasn't gonna take

being out-voted as
neighborhood watch captain.

Thanks for the ride, Mrs. G.

Oh, you're not here to see Erica.

Get comfy. This is
an old-fashioned stakeout.

Here. I made coffee and hot dogs.

Oh, no, thank you.

Hot dogs kind of jack up my stomach,

and also, what's happening right now?

See those idiots over there?

You mean my mom and her friends?

We're gonna make sure
those baked potatoes

don't compromise the safety
of the entire neighborhood.

So, we're like the
Neighborhood Watch Watch?

For all we know,

one of those shaved bears
could be the culprit.

You mean, like, my mom who I love?

Quiet. Somebody's coming.

Oh, no. Is it the axe-wielding maniac?

I'll protect you!

Hey, cheggit. My boyfriend and mom

are mashed together in
the front seat of a car.

We're on duty,

so beat it before you blow our cover!

Yeah, I hate to disturb
whatever this is,

but, um, what are you doing?

She tricked me into spying on
the neighborhood watch with her.

Oh. Well, here's an idea for a big boy.

Come with me.

Don't you dare open that door,

or so help me, you're off the squad.

Oh, no. Then there wouldn't be a squad.

Erica, get in or get out.

Oh, tough one.

Dammit, they made us!

Beverly?

We rang your bell to come join us.

Oh.

Well, I was busy
enjoying a cool afternoon

with my daughter's boyfriend.

- Are you okay, Geoffrey?
- No.

Strange, you girls
are going East to West.

The light's not as good.

You know, if I were captain...

Well, you can stop right there.
Because you're not.

Well, I'm going this way. Who's with me?

Bevy, Jane's the captain.

Well, you've left me no choice.

I am starting my own Neighborhood Watch.

Come on, Geoff!

Sorry, Mama. I guess I got to
go with my girlfriend's mom.

See ya at dinner, I hope.

As our mom was starting her own watch,

our dad and Pops were waiting
in line for the big event.

This is great, Mur.

Seeing the sweaty muscle men live

is way better than watching it on TV.

This was it.

My dad was finally gonna spend

his hard-earned money on us kids

to make a memory that
would last a lifetime.

- _
- Or not.

Sold out?

This makes no sense.

What are we gonna do?

The only thing we can do,

that's go home and never try again.

No, Murray, you can't stop now!

What about a scalper?

Stop coming up with solutions!

Oh! Looks like we got a couple
wrestling fans right here.

How would you like some
primo seats to WrestleMania

and/or some heavily discounted,

unlicensed merchandise?

Who's "Ander the Gaint"?

The misspelling makes
it a collector's item.

Just three of your best seats.

You are in my luck, my friend.

I got three in the third row.

And to see those jacked,
glistening bodies that close,

it's only gonna set you back 400 bucks.

Just give me the tickets.

Cage-side seats? This is amazing!

We're gonna have the
greatest day of our lives!

- Hell, yeah, we are!
- Wait. You're going, too?

Yeah. I wouldn't let you go to
Wrestletown without me.

WrestleMania.

- I can't wait to see Hunk Hoggins.
- Hulk Hogan.

And Andy Macho Dan Rather.

Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

All the greats!

Okay, I don't know what Dad's up to,

but he's definitely gonna embarrass us

in front of those taste-makers
and men-about-town

who attend professional
wrestling events.

What do we do?

He did buy us amazing seats,

so there's only one thing to do.

Support our father.

- Ditch him.
- Or that.

It had been one day since
our mom decided

she was going to compete
with Jane Bales' neighborhood watch

and form her own.

Welcome to the first meeting
of the newer,

much better neighborhood watch.

I'm only here to do my laundry.

Roll. Don't fold.

Now, I've gone over this map,

and I have determined

that all of the car break-ins
in this neighborhood

have happened on this block.

Oh, no! A pattern!

- It's two pushpins, Geoff.
- You see it, too!

Which is why I acquired

this state-of-the-art
surveillance technology.

That's how the CIA does it.

Next, our cutting-edge

cordless communication devices.

Adam's G.I. Joe walkie-talkies?

Mine's shaped like a cobra!

And finally, official jackets.

- _
- So many unnecessary words!

And yet, not enough to
explain how stupid this is.

Oh, it says "Geoff."

They're never gonna see us coming.

Hey, look, Beverly's coming.

Good afternoon, Jane Bales

and her crew of puffy-faced misfits.

Beverly, give it up.

The neighborhood does
not need two watches.

I agree. And I accept your resignation

and embarrassing tearful apology.

- Are you okay, Geoffrey?
- I don't know.

Excuse me a sec.

Erica, go for Chief
of Enforcement Bev. Over?

Mom, I told you I don't
want any part of this.

What's that? A disturbance. Over?

Please leave me alone.

A 521?

Copy that. Over!

You keep saying "over,"
but then it's not over.

Chief of Enforcement signing off.

Well, we must go.

And while you're standing around
letting your bodies go to rot,

we'll be keeping mayhem off the streets.

- Lock and load, Schwartz!
- Load what?

- Just follow me.
- Okay, then.

- Bye, Mom.
- Take a bag of nuts.

Don't talk to her.

While our mom headed out to find crime,

my brother and I were planning

to lose our dad at WrestleMania.

Okay, let's go over Operation Ditch Dad

- one more time.
- Okay!

When we arrive,

we immediately ask Dad

to buy us a ton of WrestleMania merch.

And then we head over
to this food station

and have Dad buy us each
a giant 64-ounce Slushie.

Then his bladder will fill,

and he'll have to rush to the restroom.

At that point, we go
to the other side of the cage

and exchange our tickets

with some jacked wrestling bros.

Then Dad will return to his seat,

see the jacked bros,
be enraged and confused,

and decide to take a nap in his car.

It's utterly foolproof.

You know, unless our dad actually
wants to spend time with us.

We're talking about our
dad actually being a dad?

And maybe we should
actually enjoy the day

as if we were regular kids who know love

from a male figure in their lives.

And he won't embarrass us
and it'll actually be fun?

Hey, hey, hey! Let's do this!

- Dad?
- What the hell, man?

I've been watching wrestling.
I love "Ding Dong" Randy.

It's "King Kong" Bundy.

And why are you wearing
Erica's old bathing suit?

'Cause it's what a good dad does.

Here, one of you Hulk-a-mannequins
hold my keys.

So we stick with the plan?

We stick with the plan.

And maybe get him a robe on the way out.

As we were hoping to avoid the
most embarrassing dad alive,

our mom was dead set

on proving her value as watch captain.

Please tell me you're
here to call a truce.

And that I can have my son back.

Or did you come here to call us
beefy jelly-bellies and shame us?

Virginia was closest.

Here's a detailed list of infractions

your watch failed to prevent.

Beverly, just let it go.

November 8th,

teens skateboarding in street
with boom boxes blaring.

BevWatch sprays them with garden hose,

assures them, "There's more
where that came from."

You're just being petty and jealous.

When it comes to the safety
of this neighborhood,

there is no length I won't go to.

Stop everything.

I just discovered my car's windshield

had a rock tossed through it!

Damn it! I need to get back out there.

I can't believe I wasted time

talking to you haggard pumpkins!

No need.

Because I think you'll discover

the person who committed this crime

is none other than Beverly Goldberg.

I don't think I like what
you're implying, Jane.

And there was a note attached.

_

Wait.

You all think that I would do this?

- It is something you might say.
- Have said.

- Yeah. Like a lot.
- In front of our children.

In that case, um, [BLEEP] you...

... and your [BLEEP]
frazzled [BLEEP] faces.

I know that doesn't help my case.

But [BLEEP] all of you.

As my mom felt set up,

my brother and I were
ready for a smackdown.

Holy crap!

Dad, these seats are amazing.

And Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant

are about to face off in
arguably the most famous match

in wrestling history, now or ever!

Wrestling with my boys!

Coming off the top rope for a hug!

- Whoa.
- Mm!

That was a fun interaction.

Dad's being super weird and
affectionate, and I kinda love it.

He's being the father
we've always wanted.

It's really off-putting.

Yo, I think you're in our seats.

Nah, nah, nah, pal. We're all good.

These are fake.

No, they're not.

Oh, balls!

WhistleMania, a whistling competition.

What? Whistling?

That's for tea kettles and
letting a lady know she's pretty.

- Come on. Let's go.
- No!

No way! We're not leaving.

- I'm getting security.
- What is happening?!

Are we getting kicked out
of WrestleMania IV?

There's the Hulkster! Go, Hulk!

Whoo!

Oh! It's starting!

And we're gonna miss it all!

And to think, we actually felt
guilty about ditching you!

Wait, you were gonna ditch me
even though I bought you tickets?

You didn't buy us tickets.
These are fakes.

If you really wanted
to spend time with us,

you'd know we hate whistling.

Here comes Andre the Giant!

Oh, man, Hulk's gonna crush you, bro!

You wanna know why I did it?

Because I had a health thing, okay?

My doctor scared the hell out of me.

Wait. What? Dad, are you okay?

I'm fine.

But it made me realize I'm
not gonna be around forever,

and I wanted to make some
memories with you guys,

at least one memory.

Sir, I'm gonna have to
ask you to come with me.

Well, since you were gonna ditch me,

I can assume you'll find a ride home.

Ohh! That had to hurt!

Our mom had been accused of a crime,

she wasn't going to let it stand.

Thank you all for coming
and thank you once again

to my brother-in-arms,
Officer Puchinski.

Well, I assume we're here so

you can fess up to
cracking my car window.

Oh, I did crack something, Jane.

I cracked the case.

Yeah. That's right. The person
who broke the windows was...

... this guy.

A pinecone?

And it would've gotten away
with it if it weren't for you.

Please. I mean,
this is really who you want

leading your neighborhood watch?

Both Ginzy and Geoff

parked underneath the
giant pine tree out front.

The autumn breeze
loosened one of the cones,

and... Whammo!

- Broken glass.
- That does make sense.

Of course! Pinecones!
They're nature's rocks!

Rocks are nat... Never mind.

Okay, but that doesn't
explain who wrote the note

with the colorful Bev language, hmm?

As you may not know,

I set up Adam's video camera
to record our front yard,

and... Oh, my!

I think I have it right here.

Oh, yeah, Adam is whacking

- his, um, opponent, and I...
- Nope, not this.

Okay. Here... Here we go.

There's Jane's car.

And what have we here?

There's Jane.

You vandalized your own car.

Damn right she did, to frame me!

Fine! It's true!

She admitted it! Bev wins!

I'm sorry. I just felt so...

... threatened by you!

You are so smart and cunning,

and you were gonna steal the
neighborhood watch from me.

I had to do something!

You thought I was gonna steal the watch?

That is the sweetest
thing I've ever heard.

- Is it?
- I mean,

you are the neighborhood badass.

I just wanted to walk in
your shoes for a moment.

You would destroy your
own property for power?

That is the kind of
person I need on my watch.

- Is it?
- What are you saying?

I'm saying,

let's join forces and teach each other

how to be nightmares together.

I would love that.

Oh, get over here,
you moldy old peaches.

Aww. Also, everything
about this seems wrong.

Goodbye forever.

While my mom and Jane
were coming together,

our trip to WrestleMania
was falling apart.

I can't believe we're missing
the greatest wrestling match

in the history of humankind.

And I can't believe Dad just
wanted to spend time with us.

It's not just that.

He went to something he hated for us,

and instead, we body-slammed his heart.

I couldn't help, but overhear.

- The Hulkster?
- Hulk Hogan?

- Listen, brother.
- He knows we're brothers.

Your dad sounds like a
pretty good father, brother.

No, he's our dad.

We're brothers.

I'm your biggest fan,

but you sound like an idiot right now.

Look, if your dad wants
to make an effort,

you should, too.

You've only got one father, brother.

Whoa, he drops fools and knowledge!

I'm on it, Hulk! Thank you!

Scram!

Yep, thanks to Hulkster,

me and Barry knew exactly
what we needed to do.

Hey, Dad.

Can we hang with you?

Whatever. It's a free country.

We just want to let you know,

we're sorry we were gonna ditch you.

And even though we didn't see the match,

we did see something even better...

You trying to get into wrestling for us.

But there's one thing we love

even more than wrestling...

You.

So let's do stuff together,

no matter how embarrassing.

You know what?

I guess I'd like that.

That's the thing about spending
time with your family.

Sometimes the smallest change
will make the biggest difference.

And sometimes it takes a
no-holds-barred grudge match

to find out who your friends really are.

We never went to see WrestleMania again,

but we started a new tradition.

Every year, we'd sit with our dad

and watch it on TV.

And looking back, it was the best.

Because it's those everyday
moments you take for granted

that truly, truly mean the most.

Body slam!

_

Adam is whacking...
Um, whacking his, um opponent.

All right, well, let's go.

Turn this off.

You can't turn it off.

You can't turn it off!

Okay, this is a Royal Rumble,
no-holds-barred cage match.

You can expect no mercy
and several butt hats.

Great. One thing, I brought backup.

Tag me in, brother.

Hulk Hogan? Oh, no.

Now go wreck my brother, brother.

The Hulkster obliges, brother.

No! Self-sleeper hold!

You got a weird brother, brother.