The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 6 - A 100% True Ghost Story - full transcript

Beverly scores a bargain on four paintings, but something supernatural is causing them to be destroyed; Barry decides to throw a huge "Rocky Horror Picture Show"-themed party against Erica's wishes.

Ah, "The Rocky
Horror Picture Show."

Back in the day,
college kids loved watching

this cult classic on Halloween,
except for the one college kid

who could never decide
what movie to see.

Will you stop being
a nightmare on this street

and pick a Halloween movie

But it has to be perfect...
one part scary, one part thriller‐y,

and no parts "Gremlins."
Too many rules.

But gremlins only have
three rules... no bright lights,

no water, and no feeding
after midnight.

Oh, my God, boring Geoff.

Every time you talk,
I feel like I'm reading.

Speaking of,
I'm off to the library...

or what you like to call
the book zoo.

It's Halloween.

Take a break from studying
and see a movie with me.

Sorry, dude, but this
conversation was my study break.

Plus, watching Barry eat popcorn
is the real horror show.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I didn't know there was
a new "Rocky" movie!

Dope, that's not Rocky Balboa.
That's "Rocky Horror."

So the Italian Stallion
fights a werewolf?

It is the boxer's natural enemy,
after Mr. T's and Russians.

No, it's a spoof
of horror movies,

but with the singer
Meat Loaf.

While I love his passionate
vocal range,

he's more loaf than meat.

Rocky would own him.

That's because
it's not "Rocky."

This one has singing and dancing
and audience participation.

Ew. I'm in.

And so Barry decided to give
"Rocky Horror Picture Show"

a shot, and to his surprise,
he kind of dug it.

After all, he got to throw
stuff and make tons of noise...

...and play with water guns
and chuck toilet paper.

This is the best
"Rocky" movie ever.

And even though he still
thought it was a "Rocky" movie,

Barry was obsessed.

♪ A jump to the left ♪


♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need ♪

♪ To say ♪

Season 07 Episode 06
Title : "A 100% True Ghost Story"

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was October 30,

and one of our family's
most legendary, terrifying,

and 100% true stories
was about to take place.

It's showtime!

Is this a Halloween costume

or one of your everyday
dumb things?

It's Beetlejuice.

Hey! My bagel!
Watch it, beetle bug.

Sorry, but I'm a reckless spirit
who causes havoc.

I'm a hungry spirit that
pays the bills, so shut up.

Beloved family,
look at these old, dusty...

and therefore priceless...

fancy French paintings I bought
at a garage sale.

Oh, boy. I just discovered
why art is important.

You paid for that crap?
I could paint better butts.

You know,
I'm glad you said that,

because there's a couples
painting class

at The Learning Annex...

I love 'em.
Put 'em up.

Adam, be careful on the stairs.

Don't be a clumsy gorkus
and smash into them.

I love you,
but you're a gorkus.

Hey, Bevy, the boy's
no Gregory Hines,

but he knows how to work
a staircase.

I just defended you,
ya gorkus!

Look at these treasures.

- Aren't they lovely?
- They're butts.

Yeah, those dusty old butt
paintings were there to stay...

that is, until day
turned to night

and strange things started
to happen.

- Adam, I told you to stay off the stairs!
- Adam, you moron!

But I wasn't on the stairs.
In fact, no one was.

Murray, that wasn't Adam.

He just walked in dressed
as an old Hawaiian lady.

I'm Weird Al.

I only changed my costume

'cause there's another
Beetlejuice at school.

I let Zach Rosen
have the win.

His parents
are getting divorced.

Thanks for that journey,

but if it wasn't you,
how did that picture fall?

Something's not right here,

something beyond the scope
of our understanding.

She was right.
Something was up,

something otherworldly
and not quite...

That was my accordion.
What a haunting sound, huh?

Yep. Those paintings
were creepy.

But when the clock
struck midnight,

things got truly terrifying.

Murray, wake up.
Something's going on downstairs.

It's probably just a burglar.
Go back to bed.

But she was too freaked out
to sleep,

so she made my dad
go check it out,

and this is
how he explained it.

Yeah, it's just
the house settling.

But an hour later,
another one fell.

And my dad
found a new reason why.

Wind did it.

But the paintings
just kept falling.

Tiny earthquake.

Army ants.

Meteor shower.

Wall raccoon.

Local train derailment.

Local volcano.

Army ants again.

Local youths
who were on the train

that derailed earlier.

While my dad thought
he had all the answers,

my sister was trying
to memorize them

for her next test.

Having fun
with that thing?

Oh, you know it. Had a brief
scare with the phone cord,

but it's been smooth sailing
since the rug.

Good Hallow's Eve, sister.

What do you want?

I'd very much like to host
an intimate gathering

to celebrate
the passing of October.

A Halloween party?

I love it.
That's way better than my idea.

We shall burn this dorm
to the ground.

It's not happening.

But you're the one
who's always saying

how important it is for me
to make new college friends.

The word I used
was "impossible."

Well, it won't be when it's
"Rocky Horror" ‐themed.

Oh, that sounds
like a good time...

to consider how Erica
might feel about it.

There isn't gonna be a party,
because I have a chem midterm

to study for,
and so do you.

Then we're in
full agreement.

- Good talk.
- Barry,

there will be no ragers,
no bashes, no shindigs,

hootenannies, soirees,
amusements, teas, galas,

festivities, or functions
of any kind.

I hear you
loud and angry.

But he really didn't.

Geoff soon discovered
that Barry didn't care

- what Erica thought.
- Oh, no.

Yep, Big Tasty's "Rocky Horror"
party was very much on...

Oh, no.

...and very well advertised.

Oh, cuss word, no!

Oh, cuss word, yes,
my high‐strung friend.

Barry, y‐you can't!

And yet I have.

I'm also doing this.

Oh, no! This sweet autumn breeze
will be the end of me!

As Geoff freaked out
about Barry's party,

things got even freakier
back home.

slashed my art.

Yep, this 100% really happened.

You know what that means,
don't you?

We have a ghost,
and that ghost hates butts.

Stop! There's no such thing
as ghosts!

Of course there is!

There's Large Marge
from "Pee‐wee's Big Adventure,"

the poltergeist
from "Poltergeist,"

and Blinky, Inky, Pinky,
and Clyde from "Pac‐Man."

Those are some very compelling
examples, Murray.

Examples of things
that aren't real.

It's obviously a spirit
with unfinished business

trapped in the realm
of the living.

- Obviously.
- Ghosts aren't real!

Our mailman's niece
ignored a scary ghost

who frightened her so badly

that her hair
turned bone‐white,

and now she has to
play Mrs. Santa Claus

at a year‐round
Christmas store.

It's hard to argue
with that iron‐clad evidence,

eh, but let me try...
no ghosts!

Adam, we have to get
to the bottom of this.

On it! You got the fear,
I got the gear.

We were haunted, probably,

which finally gave me reason
to say this.

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

I mean, a little,
but let's do this.

And so we scoured the house

from this side
of the dining table

to that side,

until finally my mom
felt an icy presence.

Adam, right here.

I'm getting chills
and goose bumps

right here under this vent.

Will you two knuckleheads
stop yakking about ghosts?

I'm trying to watch the Eagles
blow a lead.

How could you be watching
sports right now?

A departed soul is interplaying
with our world.

Yeah, it's not.

To be clear, you would never
believe in anything

that couldn't
be explained?

- Of course not.
- Interesting.

So, if I came into the den
and touched this wall

during an Eagles game,

that wouldn't bother you
even a little?

Bup, bup, bup! Keep your hands
off my lucky wall.

Tony Franklin misses
the extra point!

He's Mr. Automatic!
What have you done?!

So you do believe in things
that can't be explained,

but only
when it suits you.

Don't turn this around
on me.

We all know my lucky wall

has been a great part of
the Eagles' success for years.

But ghosts are hooey.

And you still haven't explained
all those ripped butts.

Yeah, Murray, the butts!

I can explain it.

Oh, I can explain it
with science.



What, was math busy?

I'm gonna
go wash your beakers.

My dad wasn't gonna take this
sitting down,

so he went straight to my
science teacher, Doc Katman.

You're gonna help me prove
there's no such thing as ghosts.

A real‐life
science adventure?!

I'm in!

As my dad was seeking answers,

Geoff was hiding
Barry's party from Erica.

It's sweet of you, but you don't
have to walk me home from class.

Hey, I insist.
You know, I want to make sure

that you get where you
need to get and see... Wow!

Would you look at that?!

It's a cloud.

Looks like
a misshapen... ball.

It happened.

We're out of things
to say to each other.

Oh! Hey, would you look at me
when you talk to me?

What the hell, man?

I just love you
so damn much.

I just want to lock eyes
as we walk

so I can drink in
this beauty.

That's kind of nice,

but how are we gonna see
where we're going?

Oh, good point.

I should blindfold you

and take you to this
super‐secret romantic spot

that I just thought of.

Wow, I'm so spontaneous!

What are you doing?
You know you burn easily!

Where is he?

Make sure you cover every square
inch of space on that board.

Trust me, Big Tasty,
when I'm done,

no one at this college will be
able to find a dog sitter,

guitar lessons,
or the hotline to call

when negative thoughts
are taking over.

Hey, uh,
just so we're clear,

how long do I have to wear
this heavy thing?

As long as it takes to catch
the eye of everyone on campus.

And... you should be
moving around more.

Start jogging.
Move those little legs.

You got it, Big Tasty.

And you not saying thanks
is thanks enough.

Naked Rob, where the hell
is my skywriter?

because it costs $3,000

and I'm still
technically a boy.

Totally unacceptable.

I agree!

You are the worst
roommate/brother/dumbass ever!

Way to rat me out, Geoff.

You're uninvited to the party
I'm definitely still having.

Damn it, Barry.
When are you gonna learn

that college isn't
all about partying?

When are you gonna learn

that college is not
all about studying?

I have to study.

I can't afford
to screw up again.

Well, I can't afford
to not have this party.

Don't you staple
that flier.

- Or what?
- Guys, come on.

There's gotta be
a way to handle this.

Too late!
I'm stapling it.

No! Ohh, no!

Oh, God,
it's in the meat!

What the hell, man?
You just stapled my boyfriend!

I'm holding a staple gun!
He knew the risks!



Ow! Ow!

We gotta break this up!
Ow! Ow!

Don't worry, everyone.
They're related.

It's totally normal.

And that dude getting housed
by his sister

is having a Halloween party

Damn right I am!

- No, you're not!
- Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

After their public throwdown
in the quad, the dean called

Barry and Erica in
for a private meeting.

We take fighting
very seriously.

Oh, God, will this go
on our permanent records?

Are you a student here?
Boyfriend of a student.

That's not anything.
And yet it's all I got.

- Look, Dean Dean...
- Oh, actually,

I'm no longer a Dean
with the name Dean.

I've been promoted to
"Executive Student Administrator."

You get a raise?

It was just a title bump,
but it's quite prestigious.

Dean Dean got nothing.

Look, what my idiot brother is
trying to say is we're sorry

and we'll cancel this
insane Halloween party.

- No, we won't.
- Oh, oh, no.

- Here we go.
- I missed my window to leave.

Look, I just thought it'd be fun
to put down the books

and blow off some steam,
you know?

- You make a good point.
- What?

- He does?
- I do?

Students need an outlet.

And, uh, I happen to be a bit
of a "Rocky Horror" fan myself.

I played Frank‐N‐Furter
in high school,

in my living room, wearing my
mother's... It doesn't matter.

But you're an educator.
Grades should be the only thing.

You can't just study all the time,
or you'll burn out.

The party is on.

Yes! The lesson is,

do whatever you want
and it'll all work out.

That's not it at all.

Thank you, Dean Dean.

Even though the school
doesn't value you, I do.

Last time, I flunked out because
I screwed around too much,

and now I'm being punished for
taking school too seriously?

This is garbage.

on your promotion.

‐Get out.

And so Barry's bash was a go.

Meanwhile, our mom
would stop at nothing

to prove we had a ghost.

If this house was haunted
when we bought it,

they should have
disclosed that.

Hey, Jeanine.
It's Beverly Goldberg.

Yeah, listen, when
the Wexlers lived here,

were any of them
violently murdered,

becoming apparitions
intent on revenge?

‐Give me that.
‐Hey! What the hell?

Please welcome Doc Katman.

Why is my teacher here?

So I can prove to you
once and for all

that there's no such thing
as ghosts.

Show him the paintings.

Here's my mom's soft‐core art.
It's butts.

Go ahead. Good luck explaining
the unexplainable.

There appears to be
some wood rot on the frame.

And these hooks
seem way too weak

for the weight
of the picture.

You've been scienced!

Well, how do you explain
the rips in the canvas?

Possibly when it fell,
the impact caused the rips.

Suck on the logic!

You do make some
interesting points,

but perhaps there's
another explanation.

You're not the only one
with an expert, Murray.

No, he wasn't,
which is why my mom brought in

some paranormal backup
of her own.

You brought
Stevie Nicks?

Welcome Karen English, Philly's
most famous radio psychic.

No way!

It's true.
I've done local TV, as well.

Anyone who's anyone
with a haunting sees Karen.

Extremely famous people,

who I will not mention
because I am discreet.

But let's just say the 76ers
paid for my pool.

Celebrities are
just like us.

Oh, shh, shh, shh.

I am definitely
picking up a presence.

So am I. It's annoying
and wearing a shawl.

I also feel something.
I'm naturally very intuitive.

I could've been a psychic.

we mean you no harm.

Please advise us
of your intentions.

Very interesting.

Oh, balls.
What is it?

Oh, I‐I'm sensing,

um, an ancient
Indian burial ground.

No. This is
a Victorian presence.

Exactly. An ancient Victorian
Indian burial ground.

I feel the spirit
of a young girl.

Jump in any time,
Science Guy.

May I ask which method you're
using for that hypothesis?

I have a tingly feeling.

The problem with feelings
is they can't be proven.

Can you prove love?
Or is that just a feeling?

Great counterpoint,
locally famous Karen English.

you can test love.

It's really a blend
of chemicals...

adrenaline, dopamine...

Oh, I feel sorry for you.

I guess
I am lonely at times.

We all are.

Just when this ghost story
couldn't get any weirder...

What the hell's
going on here?

...something unexplainable

A glass
vase mysteriously shattered.

Oh, no.
The ghost girl broke my vase.

Oh, the spirit is
deeply troubled

by something in this room.

I called it!
It's the butts!

I also knew it was butts.

I didn't want to
say anything before,

but the butts
were very suspicious.

See, Murray?
What do you say now?

Eh, it's army ants.

stop blaming the ants.

Why can't you
just acknowledge

that some things
can't be explained?

Oh, I can acknowledge one thing
that can't be explained...

why I choose to live
in a house of morons.

While my dad refused to believe
in the supernatural,

Barry was super psyched
to spread the word

about his school‐sanctioned
"Rocky" bash...

until this happened.

An "F"? Uh
I think you mean "D."

- I don't.
- How did this happen?

Did you study?

No, but a very prestigious
school administrator

said I needed
a work/party balance.

Did he also say that you will
never become a doctor

with grades like these?

But that's my dream.

Why would he encourage
my reckless lifestyle

without highlighting
the consequences?

Well, if I were you,
I'd drop everything else

and start cramming
for the next exam.

I'm hosting an epic rager
for the ages tonight.

"Rocky Horror"?

What is this nonsense?

It's a movie about
a mad scientist

who's actually
an alien cross‐dresser

who creates a muscle man
in his lab.

Just another offensive
portrayal of a scientist.

Why don't we ever hear about
the well‐adjusted scientist

who pays his taxes

and shows up consistently
for his nephew Brandon?

Why is this guy walking around
in his undies?

That's Brad.
He's a doof.

You're a doof.

Damn it, Janet.

Hey, Bar, true or false...
I crushed the exam.

Oh, here's a hint...
it's true.

I'm really happy
for you, Erica.

Don't be gracious
in your pathetic defeat.

So you got one bad grade.

No. It's not just the test.
I have to cancel the party.

But I thought this
was your big chance

to meet new people and make
new friends, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. I've clearly failed
at that, too.

Come on.
It's not that bad.

You know, most people
who fail out of college

at least have fun doing it.

I haven't even had that.

With that, Barry's dreams
of an epic party were dead.

Back home, it was time
to reach beyond the grave.

In order to send the spirit
to its proper afterlife,

we need to apologize
for disturbing her rest.

It was terrifying but true.

We really did apologize
to a ghost.

Beverly, would you
like to begin?

Dear little ghost girl,
I am sorry that I offended you

with my priceless and extremely
fancy tushy paintings.

And I'm sorry
I wasn't offended by the butts

and, at times,
quite excited by them.

And I'm sorry I clung
to logic and reason

like the cold automaton
all my romantic partners

have accused me of being.


What's this circle
of nonsense?

It's not nonsense,

We are talking
to the dead ghost girl.

Karen English says
we have to apologize.

- You too, Katman?
- She's on the radio.

And you're the only one who
hasn't done it yet, so...

You want me to apologize
to a ghost?

Hey, ghost!

I'm sorry you have to watch
my wife

carry on
like a crazy person!

You know, Murray,
I don't care

that you don't believe
in ghosts,

but it really hurts
that you're not on my team.

What, this team of crazies
you assembled?

No. My team.

You should believe in me.

You know, I haven't washed your
filthy Eagles jersey in months

because I support
your weird stuff.

Not the same.

Of course it is,
but it doesn't matter.

I will always back you up.

I wish you'd do
the same for me.

Halloween was here,
and in this terrifying tale,

it wasn't the ghost
that shocked everyone.

It was my dad.


I thought you hated candles.

They're good in the bathroom
for masking stuff.

You also said no one
should spend money

on something that's gonna
melt into a puddle.

I say a lotta dumb things.

That's why I'm here...
'cause I'm sorry.

You're apologizing to me?

Not exactly to you.

Hey, ghost!

Uh, sorry that I said
you were baloney.

I'm even more sorry, though,

that I didn't acknowledge
my wife's feelings,

because I love
how passionate she is

about the stuff
she believes in.

And from now on,
I'm gonna be on her team,

because we make a great one.

Thank you, Murray.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you, uh,
talk to the ghost?

What are you saying?

Do what you do best.

Protect the family
and tear that ghost a new one.

Turns out the only way to get
rid of a prim and proper ghost

was to unleash
Beverly Goldberg.

Uh, hey, Victorian girl...

you're gonna need to get
the **** out of my house...


...or I am gonna sell this house
to a family of nudists.

She'll do it!

And it's not gonna be the fit,

athletic kind of nudists,

Oh, no.

There's gonna be bits and bobs

flappin' all around the kitchen.

This is ridiculous. I love it.

It will be hygienically

Give it to 'em, Bevy.

So get the **** out
of my **** house,

you **** hating
**** ghost!

Shame on you.

With that, my parents put
the dead to rest for good.

Meanwhile, Geoff and my sister

were helping breathe life
back into Barry.

Where are we?
This isn't the library.

- Is it?
- No, dummy.

I didn't want you to miss
your party, so I uncanceled it.

Yeah, and it got so big,
we had to move it

out of your dorm
and into this theater.

How'd you do all this?

Luckily, I have a boyfriend
with no job or school

and a lot of time
on his hands.

It's true. I'm lost
and not dealing with it.

Why would you do this for me

after I publicly handed you
your ass in the quad?

That's clearly
not what happened,

but I know how hard
college is.

I've been there.
I'm still there.

No one tells you it's gonna be
harder than high school.

Literally everyone does.

But I struggled a lot
last year,

but I came out
the other side.

And you will, too.

Look, we both need
some balance,

so maybe we can help
each other find it.

Oh, JTP?

- JTP!
- JTP!

‐You coming, buddy?

We need
our Frank‐N‐Furter.

Let's Time Warp.

And Time Warp they did.

Thanks to Erica and the JTP,

Barry got his epic
Halloween bash.

♪ I remember ♪

♪ Doing the Time Warp ♪

Ooh, look,
Murray... a scary ghost.

Yep, the best part about
that legendary night

was that everyone's differences

brought them
a little closer together.

♪ Let's do
the Time Warp again ♪

♪ Let's do
the Time Warp again ♪

And that's the end of
our Goldbergs ghost story.

We never did find out exactly

what caused
the paintings to fall.

But sometimes
it's the unexplainable

that makes life exciting.

I am with
the real Beverly Goldberg.

You had a poltergeist.

One day, we saw the two nudes
were lying on the floor.

And he said,
"Oh, my God,

the kids must have knocked
the pictures off the wall."

And then a few days later,
we hear a crash, and we run in,

and these same two pictures
are lying on the ground.

And they were slashed
across the rear end.

I happened to know
a psychic.

She was on the radio.

She said, "You have
a Victorian spirit here."

The spirit
is deeply troubled.

I walked through the house
room for room

and yelled at the spirit,
"If you don't wise up...

Get the ****
out of my **** house!

...we are gonna sell this house
to some **** people."

To the people that bought
the house from us,

you shouldn't be afraid
of the dining room.

Trick or... Balls!

Ohh. I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting anyone.

It's 8:00 on Halloween!

Is it?

I kinda lost track of time.

Sweet Legs,
why am I sensing

negative energy entering
our evening?

My teacher
and the kooky shawl lady?

Oh, it's the butt boy.
Why are you here?

It's Adam.
And again, it's Halloween.

Why can't you sense that?

And, oh, my God, why are you
guys wearing matching robes?

Let's just say there
are some things

science can't explain.

This is definitely the scariest
thing I've ever seen.

Sync corrections by srjanapala