The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Parents Thursday - full transcript

While at school, Erica attempts to fool Beverly into thinking parents weekend has been rescheduled; Adam joins the school production of "Romeo and Juliet."

ADULT ADAM: The '80s sparked some
of the most iconic couples ever!

From Loni and Burt to Goldie and Kurt,

if you acted together, you
usually ended up together.

And since my ex, Dana,
had come back into my life,

I secretly hoped the fall play
would rekindle our romance.

Ladies and lords,
hold on to your Tudor caps.

Romeo and Juliet!

Yes! It's West Side Story

without the fun music or Latino gangs.

I haven't read it yet,
but Carla's always saying

how we're totally gonna end
up like Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, boy.

Well, I'm definitely
auditioning for Juliet.

And good luck, everyone else,

'cause you're a shoo-in, girlfriend.

Friend that's a girl. Just girl.

You know what you got.
Have a Romeo in mind?

Who're we kidding?
Andrew Gallery crushed it as Romeo

at that fancy arts camp last summer.

Right. Gallery.

Yep, every drama class had one...

Handsome, weirdly confident,
and totally unbearable.

I find if I only wash
my hair once a month,

it gets a natural messiness

that I can't acquire with
a traditional conditioner.

You are so brave.

- I want to play a marine one day.
- Oh.

Apparently he told the Yale theater
program he'd "let them know."

Someone should let him know
he's not all that.

No way, bro. Gallery
checks all the boxes!

Accept it.

There's just way better
people in the world.

I guess he's kinda cute.

Anyway, I'm gonna go run lines.

If Dana lands Juliet
opposite Andrew Gallery,

it will for sure turn into a showmance.


Just because two beautiful teens

spend hours together
rehearsing and kissing

in the most romantic play
ever doesn't mean...

- Oh, balls, balls!
- Yep.

That drab auditorium might
as well be The Blue Lagoon,

'cause young love is afoot.

You're a foot.

You know what?
Maybe I'll try out for Romeo.

Then you better start
learning some Shakespeare.

It's not exactly the
easy-breezy dialogue from ALF.

I will get the part
and showmance with Dana

and prove you and everyone else wrong.

But, unfortunately, that meant this.

"O Schmoopie-o, Schmoopie-o,

"wherefore art thou, Schmoopie-o?"

Mom! Enough with the Schmoopie-o's!

Shakespeare would love the way I talk.

You know who doesn't love the
way you guys are talking?

- Vic and I.
- I don't mind, Mur.

(CHUCKLES) My daughter's
auditioning for that play.

Asha? She's like five years old.

Oh, she was... 11 years ago.

Well, tell Asha to break a leg.

I most certainly will not.

The last thing I want is my sweet angel

in some teen raunchfest.


That Shakespeare was a grade-A horndog.

There's no way I'm letting
some hormonal Romeo

smooch up my little princess.

Don't worry about this one
landing the role. No offense.

Offense taken, taken hard!

Watch me perform
Romeo's death by poison.


Thy drugs are quick. (GROANING)

Oh, no! Thus with a kiss, I die!

With Mama's kiss, you live!


If thou goest, then I go, too.

Oh, give me that vial.

You two mind dying in the kitchen?


♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was October
23, 1980-something,

and Erica was crushing
college academically.

Cheggit! I got another "A"
on my sociology midterm.

Another perfect grade?

Your GPA is gonna look
like Fonzie on a Friday...

All "Aaays."

Yeah, I don't have time to
acknowledge how lame that was.

Come on, let's celebrate

by going to one of the many
fun hangs on this corkboard.

Oh, no! A lost dog?

Snowball is fine, and so am I.
No parties.

But all you do is go from
your dorm to the classroom

and back to your dorm.

I mean, get out there. Meet some people.

And if you do, ask them if they've seen

a bichon/pug mix who loves carrots.

Whoa! Whoa! Can't stop! Can't stop!

Can't stop!

- Ugh!
- Ohh!

Oh! I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

This is my first time
riding a skateboard.

Yeah, well, a crowded,
public space full of strangers

is a perfect place to start.

Oh, here, take my sweater.
Your knee is bleeding.

Wait. Is this cashmere?

I don't want to ruin it
with my knee blood.

It'll give it character.

And then some cute guy
is gonna come up to me,

and he'll be like, "Hey, you
got blood on your sweater,"

and I'll be like, "You're stupid."

And then he'll be my
boyfriend for a few weeks,

and I will have you to thank.

Wow. You're, like, a lot.

Thanks! I'm Ren. It's short for Lauren.

I'm Erica. Or Ca?

Yeah, that doesn't work.

Um, well, it was nice
to break your fall.

Don't look, but there is
a guy over there

who is majorly creeping on you.

Oh, yeah. That creeper's my boyfriend.

- He wants me to make a friend.
- Tell him you did.

ADULT ADAM: And just like that,
over the next few days,

my sister's first college
friendship was born.

Erica and Ren checked out local music.

College bands suck.

Oh, for sure.

We're taking this.

I'll bring it back
when you learn how to use it.


And then they hit up
the campus art scenes.

This one is just squiggles.

I posed nude for that.

For real? Oh, damn!

That's your butt!

Yep, Erica and Ren were inseparable.

Nothing could derail their friendship.

Well, almost nothing.

Oh, [bleep].

Ooh, are we randomly cursing? Ass!

- No. It's Parents Weekend.
- I know. I'm stoked.

Gene and Rita are taking me
somewhere fancy to eat.

Gene and Rita? That's so informal.

It's like you consider them people.

Yeah, my mom's
a kickass defense attorney.

She puts bad people back on the street.

And, uh, my dad owns a couple
restaurants in the city.

Wow, we have so much in common.

I mean, my mom could have been a lawyer,

and my dad owns something
he calls restaurant pants.

I'm just so glad that my mom and dad

aren't like those psycho parents

that are in your face all the time.

- Totally.
- Holy crap.

We should all grab brunch
together this weekend.

That is... an idea.

Here's the thing...
They can never meet you.

What? Why not?

'Cause they were, um...

- Lost at sea.
- What?

Yeah, that's a real thing that
I just told you from my mouth.

Oh, my God. Were they, like,
on a cruise or something?

Yes. That makes the most sense.

Yeah, they... They were
cruising for a bruisin'...

And they got one.

That must be so hard
for you and your brother.

Cheggit! Package from Mom.

Homemade fudgy crunch bars! (CHUCKLES)

Whoo! So fudgy in my mouth!

How does it go down?

So sticky!

Sweet, sad Barry.
He just hasn't accepted it.

That is sad.

leaned into her lie,

all I cared about was beating
out Andrew Gallery

for the lead of Romeo and Juliet.

Dude, you're Romeo.

I know, Dave Kim.

Romeo kisses Juliet!

I know, Dave Kim!

And Dana is...

Lady Montague?

Oh, no, Dave Kim.

That means she's playing my...


- I mean, it could be worse.
- Could it?

It's not like you're
playing my actual mom.

Even if you were, I've heard
my dad say more than once

that she's a handsome lady.

And I'll shut up.

But if you didn't get Juliet, who did?

There's my Romeo.

Asha? Congrats.

Dana, you know Asha.
Asha, you know Dana.

You guys both know each
other, so that's cool.

Our dads sell furniture together.

More like they avoid our moms together.

You'll make a great Juliet.

So, I have to ask...
How'd you beat out Andrew Gallery?

If I had to guess,
pure unbridled talent.


In the play, Romeo is a
confused 15-year-old.

I thought Adam would be perfect

because he still has
the wildly underdeveloped body

and crude acting of a young boy.

- You honor me.
- Mm.

And a heads-up.

My dad's not too thrilled
about me doing this play.

Oh, I know. But as a romantic lead,

I'm prepared to endure
the fury of an angry father.

You're Romeo?


But what about your whole
thing about handsy Romeos

smooching up your little princess?


You understand. You're not a Romeo.

I was literally cast as Romeo.

ADULT ADAM: I couldn't stand
that Vic and my dad

thought I wasn't a leading man.

Meanwhile, my sister
was leading the charge

to protect her friendship with Ren.

Mom and Dad can't come
to Parents Weekend.

Absolutely not!

Also, why not?

If tacky, horrible Mom shows up,

Ren will never talk to me again.

Ha! The friendship you care about

hinges on the paper-thin premise
you can hide Mom forever.

This is bad for you, too.

Do you think potential
girlfriends on this campus

will respond well to Beverly Goldberg?

Oh, no!

You brought it around to me,
and now I'm invested.

What do we do?

Parents Weekend starts Saturday.

What if it didn't?

Parents Thursday?

The hell's Parents Thursday?

Parents Thursday
replaces Parents Weekend

due to an emergency campus renovation.

- Is the tuition going up?
- No.

- Suckers.
- Silver lining...

We have a small window of time
this upcoming Thursday.

Evening. After dark.

- We'll make it work.
- MURRAY: I'm out.

You know I don't drive after dark

unless I like the place I'm going.

Rats. Well, Mom, keep in mind

that this event is super last-minute,

so most parents won't be there.

Lucky me.

I get my college schmoos and
their campus all to myself.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
Parents Thursday was a go.

It all kicked off at the ladies'
field hockey equipment closet.

If we had a key,
you'd see a lot of sticks.

Moving on.

And they did, to a sketchy burrito
joint nine miles from campus.

We come here all the time.

What the hell is a "kimi-conga"?

Of course, no school tour is complete

without a stop at the dorm
facilities room.

I push these buttons all the time.

- Beep, boop, beep, boop.

And the final stop of our
Parents Thursday tour,

the majestic parking lot.

All right, see you at Thanksgiving.

Oh. Okay. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Success! Erica
and Barry had pulled it off.

Or not.

Parents [bleep] Thursday? Really?

- She knows.
- You know?

Of course I know.

Erica made me do it!

She's the mastermind.

Barry good. Erica bad.

Mom, look, it's not a big deal.

I just don't really want you here.
You get it.

I guess I do.

I accept it.

What? But you never just accept it.

Good evening, gentle daughter.

No, don't be cordial.

What's your next move, lady?
I need to know!

Oh, no, this is terrible!
She has my burrito in her car!

ADULT ADAM: Erica knew
something was up with my mom.

Meanwhile, Romeo's big kiss with
Juliet was about to go down.

Saints do not move, though
grant for prayers' sake.

Then move not,
while my prayer's effect...

I take.

My kiss with Asha
got a little hot and heavy.

Okay, a lot.

And I wasn't the only one
who felt that way.


Okay! All right! All right! No more!

That's enough. That's enough.

Adam, I knew you were the right choice,

because that was sensuous.

Thanks, I think.

We're children, so it's a little weird.

It was spicy, like a Cuban night.

That's not much better.

I mean, it's like I just
came out of a Turkish sauna!

Uh, would you mind if we
took that from the top?

I'd love another shot. (CHUCKLES)

Or we could just move on, maybe.

That's a good idea, Lady Montague.

Let's take ten and regroup.

I need to air out
my directing scarf. Whoo!

Dude, this is better than
you could have ever imagined.

All the kissing's making Dana crazy,

and Asha's clearly into you now, too.

- You think Asha's into me?
- Have you seen her notebook?

- It's got "AG" written all over it.
- I'm "AG."

I only signed up for this play

to stop Dana from kissing
that handsome douche,

and now I'm the handsome douche.

You're gonna be
a theater department legend,

right up there with that guy

who freed all the cats during Cats,

and then they couldn't
catch all the cats,

so now we can't do Cats anymore.

Take that, Vic and Dad. I am a threat.

Hey, Susie. I just popped
by to pick up Asha.

How's the play going?

Well, let's just say
that Romeo and Juliet

are taking advantage of their
very palpable chemistry.

- Palpable?
- I know. Seems unlikely.

Asha and Goldberg's kid?

Let's just say when I closed
my eyes and opened them,

I was in Verona, and true
love was in the air.


Asha's involvement in this
burlesque show is a big no!

Oh, boy.

ADULT ADAM: After finding out about
our hot and heavy rehearsal,

Vic was living out his own tragedy.

So, it's been brought to my
attention that Ms. Cinoman

has decided to put on an R-rated
version of Romeo and Juliet.

It's just a kiss.

That is not how you described it.

The heat around them
made the air buckle.

See? Teenage air-buckling and whatnot.


Excuse me. Why am I here?

Because your child is a
wolf in sheep's clothing.

Cinoman confirmed.

- Turbulent blood did fill my heart.
- VIC: Damn it, Mur.

You agreed your son wasn't a threat.

We even shared a chuckle about
how wildly unmasculine he is.

Well, maybe the problem isn't my son.

It's your daughter.

Asha was attacked
by that four-eyed dorkus.

Whoa! "Dorkus"?

Oh, you heard me.

The kid is a doof.

I should really jump in here,

or just see where this is going.

I forbid your son from
stage-Frenching my daughter!

I forbid your daughter
from stage-Frenching my son!

Is anyone else picking up on
the irony of this situation?

Rival families torn apart
by their children's love.

Just say the words, Susan.

This is Romeo and Juliet.

- Nobody's ever heard of that show.
- What are you even talking about?

I demand you cancel the
play, Principal Bald.

It's Ball.

And I would if I could,

but the community-service kids
are already painting sets.

Then I demand you remove
all the romance kissing

and... and... and randy language.

I could do that.

Earl! You can't rewrite Shakespeare!

One would think, but look at me go.

Bye-bye, that bit.

Please. Now they're
just star-crossed pals?

Let's play it safe and make 'em
star-crossed business colleagues.

ADULT ADAM: And so it would be a
romance-free Romeo and Juliet.

Meanwhile, my sister knew
my mom wouldn't let her free

on Parents Weekend that easily.

Okay, if I make this, I live forever

and Dian Parkinson
from The Price is Right

becomes my live-in girlfriend.

Aw! Doesn't count!

Will you shut up?

Okay, shouldn't you be celebrating?

You don't have to spend
the weekend with Mom.

No! You think that she's just
gonna let Parents Thursday go?

She's coming for me. She's coming hard.

- BEVERLY: It's your mama!

Lady Vengeance has come.

Oh, no. Your dread was justified.

(SINGSONG VOICE) Happy Parents Weekend.

Erica said you were upset,

but your wrapped gifts
and cheery tone say otherwise.

Not buying it. What's your game, Mom?

I am a mom, strange girl,
just not yours.

She's pretending to not be
your mom to get back at you.

- Yeah, thanks, Geoff. Good add.
- Uh-huh.

I'm just here to celebrate
Parents Weekend

with my one child
who attends this university.

She's wearing a sweater that's
so sparkly and vindictive.

Why are you just saying the
things we can all see?

And you should know that
I'm not done by a long shot.

Whatever. Your lame attempt
to divide us won't work.

The sibling bond is stronger than any...

What the hell, dude?

Sorry, strange girl, but material goods

and homemade treats have won me over.

These have peanut butter!

And butterscotch.

Who's ready to be spoiled by Mama?

- Me.

Just know, no matter how hard you try,

you will never make me jealous.

ADULT ADAM: And try my mom did.

Look! Mom foolishly
got me a bank account.

Mom got me more fancy horse shirts

than one boy could ever need.

Mom got me a semester's
worth of frozen pizza.

And the gifts only got
bigger from there.

Oh, Parents Weekend is the best.

I got a pinball machine

that makes it nearly
impossible to open my closet.

- Your feeble attempt to make me feel bad

is sad and will bankrupt your husband.

Do you hear something, Barry,

something squeaky and unappreciative?

That was Erica. She's there.

And you know what else?

I'm hanging out with my new friend Ren,

who has cool, not-crazy parents.

Stupid family-sized fridge.

Okay, people, please
refer to the changes

in Romeo and Juliet: A Tale
of Platonic Office Associates.

But soft!

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and my... pal
from accounting is the sun.

Parting with my bud over in H.R.
is such sweet sorrow,

that I shall say good night
till it be morrow... bud.


What do they even do at this office?

General business.

Now, stop asking questions

and start stealing Tybalt's
yogurt from the break room.

I'm too handsome for this.

- I'm out.
- No!

We can't lose our Mercutio,
the mid-level executive!

Yeah, I quit, too.

ADULT ADAM: My showmance
was slipping away.

I had to do something.

Asha, wait.

I'm really sorry about how
our dads ruined Shakespeare.

(SIGHS) Yeah, they're the worst.

- But I still think you should do it.
- What's the point?

Well, even though they cut our kiss,

we can still share...

Whatever this is.


Our chemistry.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
Do you think I'm into you?

- You're not?
- No.

But you wrote "AG"
all over your notebook.

Andrew Gallery?

Huh. I guess I'm not the only
person with my initials.

I'm so sorry, Adam.

ADULT ADAM: And then it got even worse.

Hey! Guess who's your new Juliet.

Oh, cool.

Oh, I thought you'd be more excited.

I'm sorry. I'm just... Forget it.

It's about someone else.

Yeah. I'm getting that feeling.

While both of my showmances
quickly fell apart,

my mom was still determined to
break Erica on Parents Weekend.

Excuse me, random coeds.
Are these seats taken?

Oh, God. Yes. They're very much taken.

I'm sorry. My... My parents are coming.

Oh, that's fine. We'll just
sit here until they arrive.

Barry, over here. (CHUCKLES)

Wait. Isn't that your brother?

Is it? No, I think I would know.

I told Mom where you were.

She bought me a snowmobile.

I'm sorry. I am so confused.

It's a vehicle you drive on snow.

It's right there in the name.

Uh, no. This is your mom?

I-I thought you were lost at sea.

I'm lost at sea?

Yes, because it's better
than the truth...

That you're a crazy person
intent on ruining my life.

Wow. You'd rather have my lifeless body

bobbing in the ocean

than spend one lousy day
with me at your college?

Let's go, Barry.

BARRY: Mom, is my burrito
still in your car?

I'm sorry about that.

My mom is just always on top of me.

With the visits and constant
attention, it's too much.

Well, my parents aren't even here.

At least you get along,
and, you know, they're cool.

So cool they forgot to even show up.

Wait. They're not coming?

This happens all the time

'cause funny thing is
that they don't care.

But clearly your mom does.

I don't think you know
how good you have it.

ADULT ADAM: After being
driven away by Erica,

my mom was wrapping up the
worst Parents Weekend ever.

Pinball! Pinball! Pinball!

Pinball! Pinball! Yes!

Barry! It's a lot.

I know. I almost broke my
high score from this morning.


Oh, don't worry. I'm just leaving.

- Mom, stay.
- Pinball! Pinball! Yes!

I never should've made up
Parents Thursday.

Not to mention the whole
"lost at sea" thing.

That was a nice touch.

Look, it took me a long time to
make my first college friend,

and I was worried you'd scare her off.

Scare her off?

You can be... overwhelming.

Pinball! Pinball! Pinball! Yes!

- Damn it, Barry.
- I'm taking the pinball away.

I know, but you not
wanting me in your life

is the worst pain a mama can have.

I'm sorry.

And the truth is,
I love how much you care,

even if sometimes it's a lot.


More than you know.

So, Parents Weekend isn't over.

Maybe you want to grab dinner
with me and my new friend Ren?

That would be perfect.

ADULT ADAM: It's easy to be scared

of pushing someone new
in your life away.

But then you remember
the people closest to you

will always back you up.

Hey, uh, shouldn't you be putting
on the tights or whatever?

I'm not doing the dumb play.

- Why not?
- Asha was just using me.

Then I screwed up with Dana.
Now I got nothing.



You know, I read this thing.

You read Romeo and Juliet?

There's only one difference
between you and Romeo.

He had his heart set on one girl.

(SIGHS) I guess I did get
a little carried away.

Yeah. Young love is difficult.


If you stay patient,
you'll meet your Juliet.

Thanks, Dad.

Also, I talked to Principal Ball.

He's gonna let the play go back
to the original Shakespeare.

You did that? Why?

Because my son is starring as Romeo,

and I wouldn't miss that for anything.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
my dad convinced me

I could be a leading man.

I just had to remember why
I did this in the first place.



Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you
feel like some runner-up.

Whatever. I get it.

The truth is, I only
tried out for the play

so you wouldn't end up
with Andrew Gallery.


It's stupid, I know.

No, it's sweet.

And if we're being honest,

seeing you kiss Asha made me
extra bummed I wasn't Juliet.

All right, places!
Places, everyone! Come on!

Oh, crap! We're not in business casual?

Guess I'll see you out there.

- Break a leg.
- You too.

ADULT ADAM: Life has a funny
way of bringing familiar faces

back into our lives
right when we need it most.

And then there's those new faces

who can help make our lives complete.

I'd waited three long years
to kiss Dana again.

If we were meant to be,
this moment would say it all.

- ♪ Every little thing she does... ♪

And I didn't feel anything.


That's a swing and a miss.

Shakespeare was right.

Young love is totally complicated.

And I was a long way
from figuring it out.

♪ Now I know my love for her goes on ♪

♪ Every little thing she does is magic ♪


Then I defy you, stars!

Thus with a kiss...

- Gah!
- I'm here to apologize

I may have said some
untoward things about you.

Being a goober, a spaz,
a weenie, a total buttweed.

Yeah. I don't need a whole recap.

I also said that your flimsy,
unformed child body

was not only shapeless,
but weak and gross.

I kinda have to get to class.

Additionally, I spoke of
your manly prowess as a joke.

You know who you should really meet?

Asha! Andrew!

Well, who in the hell
is this smiling simpleton?

Okay, then. You three have fun.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx