The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Animal House - full transcript

Back in the 80s, the greatest frat-comedy

- of them all was Animal House...
- Food fight!

The story of a group
of weirdos and underdogs

who overcame all obstacles
to rule the school.

And with Barry finally in college,

he wasted no time living
out his favorite movie.

I'm joining a fraternity.

Ugh. Why?

Bros, babes, beer, and boat shoes!

Classism, hazing, dangerously
excessive drinking.

Yeah, all of those awesome reasons.



Okay, horseshoe menorahs.

Wow me.

We're Omega Psi. It's the Greek
alphabet. Is that not clear?

He struggles with the
English alphabet, so...

If I were to pledge, could I
expect the following hijinks...

Driving a motorcycle
into a crowded party,

leaving a dead horse in a dean's office,

and/or road-tripping
to an all-girls college

to hit on the friends
of a deceased student?

We're more of an academic house.

Next!

Hey. Erik Stratton, alumni
director at Delta House.

Damn glad to meet ya.

That was Erik Stratton, alumni director.



He was damn glad to meet you.

Why are you talking to me?
I already have a grandpa.

Oh, we're doing the recruiting
'cause most of the guys

in our frat are either hungover or...

- In jail.
- ...in jail.

Oh, I don't not like what I'm hearing.

Cold one?

It's 9:00 in the morning.

Yeah, we got a late start.

Let me ask you something.

Can your house serve my needs

as an alpha male in the upper echelons

of society's wealthy and elite?

Ha! Not even a little.
Let me ask you something.

Is that a Froot Loop in your hair?

It's an Apple Jack.

This conversation is over.

So, how many pledges do we have now?

None yet.

Oh. One more, and we got one.

Barry, I don't care what you do,

but don't you think you're
being a tad unrealistic

about which fraternity
is the right one for you?

Silence!

I've found my people.

Yep, they were the perfect-haired,

pastel-wearing blowhards of Beta Zeta,

and Barry had to be one of them.

Those khaki Ken Dolls?
You're kidding, right?

Hi. Barry Goldberg.

And, no, you are not
looking into a mirror.

What can I do for you?

Well, it's obvious
I'm Beta Zeta material,

so why don't you just
make me a brother now

so we can start making morally
questionable choices together?

Barry, I'm leaving.

All the smirking and popped
collars are wigging me out.

Okay, girl I've never met.

Hi. I'm Beta Zeta
president Rick Kentwood.

Of course you are.

And if you're not busy tomorrow night,

you should come by our house.

We're hosting a classy get-together.

"The Get Trashed Bash"?

Was "Douche Gala" taken?

We accept!

Me and this mouthy lady
stranger will be there.

What are you doing?

There's no way I'm going to that.

You have to!

For some unknown reason,
he's taken with you.

So, we go, I charm him, ditch you,

and my life of nonstop
toga adventures begins.

I guess that would mean
that you'd have to move

out of our dorm and I'd never
see your dumb face again.

We see it the same way.

Now time to practice my
lovable frat-brother antics,

like crushing beer cans
against my forehead.

I know your weak spot, Mr. Pibb!

I'm softening it up.

Aah!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 16th, 1980-something,

and my mom was still
adjusting to the fact

that there was only one kid
in the house to cook for.

Adam, breakfast!

Uh, I already had some Mr. T cereal.

Well... I pity the fool

who doesn't eat my pigs in a blanket.

Again you made too much.

Your two other kids are off in college.

How do you not know that by now?

Oh, I'm just fueling Adam up

with high-energy meats for our big day.

Big day? With me? And also you?

Surprise! It's robot-themed.

Robots?

Adam, she knows your greatest weakness.

We start off by going to a matinee

of this new movie called The Terminator

and then we move to Kiddie City

to pick up the Transformer
toy of your choice

and, for the finale,

we're gonna see Styx at the
Spectrum perform Mr. Roboto.

While I appreciate the pandering,

I'm afraid I already
have plans with Dave Kim.

Dave Kim?

You're gonna blow off
a day with me and robots

for that four-eyed drip?

Yeah. We were just gonna hang,

but now I think we're gonna do
all your robot stuff instead.

Thanks for the idea!

Beverly, enough with overwhelming Adam

with all your love.

You need to find someone else.

Well, what have you got cooking today?

You wanna see some robots?

I'm pretty jammed up,

but I know who you should
ask... Your life partner.

You just saw Adam leave.

I'm talking about Murray!

Yeah. Murray's good at a lot of things,

but doing stuff isn't one of them.

You used to go to movies,
weekends down the shore.

Go back to that magical
time before you had kids

and start living!

Now's your chance.

In that moment, my mom realized

she had to get Murray out of
his chair and into her life.

It wasn't going to be easy.

Is that you saying "Good morning"?

As my mom worried about her future,

my bro gathered his oldest
pals for an important pow-wow.

Thanks for coming to the
weekly meeting of the JTP.

- JTP!
- JTP!

First order of business...

It's almost Matt Bradley's
birthday, and I...

No one cares about stupid Matt Bradley

and how embarrassingly old he's getting.

It's true. No one likes to be
confronted by their mortality.

Let's not make a big deal about it.

We won't.

First non-boring item to discuss...

Big Tasty will be leaving
shortly to attend a frat party.

- Good for you.
- Fun.

- Greek life!
- Sorry my birthday almost got in the way.

And I will likely be joining
their brotherhood as a pledge.

You're killing it in college!

And you're not the only one

'cause I just made
Haverford's varsity crew team

as their coxswain.

And everyone over at Villanova
is loving my nakedness.

It's really nice to be a part
of an open-minded community

where nudity is celebrated.

My gap year working at The
Gap couldn't be going better.

I'm getting paid, and I'm
learning a valuable jean-craft.

And I just took my immersion into the
Grateful Dead culture to the next level.

Look. I grew my first dreadlock.

Look at us absolutely
destroy post-high school, JTP.

- JTP!
- JTP!

That's why when I'm a frat god

and I ignore you and
treat you like crap,

I won't feel that bad.

JTP.

- JTP!
- JTP!

While Barry left his crew
in the dust for Greek life,

my mom was on a mission to
get my dad to enjoy life.

Come on! Get up! It's just
a harmless head injury.

God did not intend the
human neck to bend that way.

Man, I love football.

For sure. It's all I have.

Murray, I'm gonna need
five minutes of your time

and also the rest of your life.

What is this? I'm in the
middle of a game here.

You are aware that in two years,

all of our little angels
will be out of the house.

Just the thought of it
makes me smile. Watch.

Oh, no. I've never
seen your face do that.

You can tell the skin doesn't
even know how to crease.

Well, unlike you, I live
in total terror of that day

and all the sad and lonely
ones that will follow.

Been there. After Lainey
left, things got dark.

I rarely ate, showered,
or ventured outside.

My hollow shell of a body

would crawl out of Lainey's
tear-stained bedroom

only to answer a phone
that wasn't ringing.

Is this why you didn't bring the nachos?

Yeah.

Bevy, all kids leave at some point.

What do you want me to do?

To reconnect with me.

Let's pick out some
activities we can do together

to help fill the terrible
void of their departure.

Activities?

- Golf.
- Too much walking.

- Putt-putt golf.
- Too much walking.

- Crocheting?
- My fingers are too thick,

and also I don't want to.

You just rattle them off.

I'll tell you when you hit one.

Wine tasting.

Cooking class. Bowling.

Sightseeing. Bird watching.

Learning a new language. Ceramics.

- Yeah!
- Ceramics it is!

No, no, no. The Eagles
finally got a first down.

I'm not doing pottery.

Damn it, Murray, stop being such a lump!

This is the rest of our
lives we're talking about!

Hey, you're complaining about things.

I'm listening. We're doing stuff.

That's not what I
meant, and you know it.

Don't worry, Bev. Murray's a
good guy. He'll come around.

The best. But also the worst.

He once told me I was
too bald to look at.

He didn't clarify and
I was too afraid to ask

and now too much time has passed.

That is a deeply upsetting story.

For sure, but I love the guy.

And I do, too, but we all know
he's not gonna come around.

If the past 20 years
have taught us anything,

it's that he is gonna sit in that
damn chair for the rest of his life.

No man can sit in a chair for
a lifetime. It can't be done.

Agreed. Every man has to move sometime.

You don't believe me?

Watch and learn.

Meet me back here in six hours.

Yep, back before home
surveillance and nanny cams,

my mom invented the Murray cam,

and what she found blew
Bill and Vic's mind.

Unbelievable.

If he didn't move that
one time to pet the dog,

I'd swear the VCR was paused.

He's the most gifted
sitter I've ever seen.

Maybe there is a way to get
Murray out of that chair.

I'm gonna steal his friends.

Oh, no! He has other friends?

No. I'm talking about you two dopes.

Oh, good!

If he sees us all doing
amazing things together,

he's gonna get jealous
and want to do them, too.

So, what are you saying, Beverly?

I'm saying come do Tai Chi with me.

Slo-mo karate?

Oh, that does sound fun.

Well, I suppose I've always wanted

to be able to tell people an anecdote.

While my mom's plan to join
up with my dad's best friends

was in motion,

Barry was going all
out to join Beta Zeta.

How do I look?

Like a yacht captain was
run over by a polo horse.

Perfect.

There she is...

The prettiest girl on campus.

And the prettiest boy.

So, Erica, want to date a future leader?

I have a boyfriend, and yuck.

Well, watch me turn
that yuck into a yes.

And watch me turn that yes into a barf.

Hi. Barry Goldberg.

Frat nickname to be determined,

but I'm hoping to go with
"Captain Chug" or "Sexhawk."

Excuse me.

There you are! Listen, Terry...

- It's Barry.
- That's hilarious.

I want to introduce
you to some neat-o guys

that you are going to love.

Oh, sounds awesome, Rick.

This is Leroy, Spock,
and Jimmy Flannigan.

Barry then realized he
was living Animal House,

just not how he'd imagined.

I've been Floundered!

What's "Floundered"?

That husky loser from Animal House

who gets pawned off on a
room of a bunch of rejects.

So what? This house is full
of cocky, entitled asswipes.

And I hope to be them someday,

which is why I need to
turn this night around fast,

and I know exactly how.

I'm gonna pull a Bluto.

Is that another Animal House character?

John Belushi's greatest
role, and now mine.

♪ You know you make me wanna ♪
♪ Shout ♪

Food fight!

And with that, Barry went full Bluto,

plastered the frat-house
walls with mashed potatoes.

He totally destroyed a
complete stranger's guitar.

He was, without a doubt,
the life of the party.

♪ A little bit softer now,
a little bit softer now ♪

Or so he thought.

♪ ...now, a little bit softer now ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey ♪

What did I do?

We should talk.

Yes. I'd be honored to
join your fraternity.

Listen, being a Beta Zeta...
It's all about being the best.

And...

You're not.

After Barry blew his shot, he had no
choice but to report back to the JTP.

- JTP...
- JTP?

...I've called this
emergency meeting to tell you

I will not be a painfully handsome
frat god who is above the law.

I'll merely be painfully handsome.

I'm sorry, Bar. Those idiots
don't know what they're missing.

But what hurts even more
is, while I'm flailing,

you guys are out there crushing it.

While that's incredibly petty and mean,

the truth is, we're actually not.

I lied before about being the
coxswain of the rowing team.

I just like saying "coxswain."

Coxswain.

Oh. That is fun.

And I hate how everyone at
Villanova also gets naked.

There's nothing special
about me anymore.

Everyone in my life is
coming out of the woodwork,

asking for jean jackets.

And I'll admit it...
This dreadlock isn't real!

I found it. You don't want to know more.

I don't get it. Why did you lie?

We didn't want you to worry about us

while you were having the time
of your life as a frat guy.

But pledging was a disaster.

I tried everything to impress them.

I destroyed a guitar. I threw food.

I rolled on the ground. What
are these guys looking for?

Forget about those stupid frat guys.

They don't know the real you.

Wait. That's why
tonight was such a bust.

They didn't see the real me.

But we do. So now you can
hang with us for my b-day.

Don't be stupid, stupid Matt Bradley!

I'm going back to that
frat tomorrow night.

But I thought those guys rejected you.

They rejected Flounder and Bluto.

I'm going back as myself.

You can't, moron.

And why not?

Tomorrow, Beta Zeta is having

their new pledges do a talent show.

It's like The Gong Show, but with
an irresponsible amount of beer.

They'll destroy you.

Or they'll pledge me on the spot

when they hear the vocal
stylings of Big Tasty.

And I know just the song.

The Fat Boys?

No. The Frat Boys.

I need two of you to fill out my crew.

Barry, again, it's Matt's birthday.

We're going to hang with him.

Do you ever consider what I
want on Matt Bradley's birthday?

We hadn't.

As my oldest, closest friends,

you owe it to me to help me
make even newer, closer friends.

We have plans.

Good luck, Bar. I hope
you get what you want.

I hope you get what you want
on your birthday, Matt Bradley.

I know you were mocking
me, but thanks, bro.

It means a lot.

What's their problem?

You're the one with the problem.

Crashing a party is one thing,

but crashing a fraternity
talent show is just suicide.

Not if I get the real
Fat Boys to do it with me.

Close enough.

Thanks for the free tee.
What's this for again?

Doesn't matter. You two dorks
get to go to a frat party.

Isn't that enough?

I hear bikini-clad women

wrestle in kiddie pools full of Jell-O.

- Jell-O!
- Bam!

Crew locked and loaded!

As Barry assembled two
children to impress grown men,

my mom was having fun
with her own posse.

First up, Tai Chi.

Hiya.

After that, they learned Spanish.

Me gusta jugar al futbol.

- Me gusta jugar al futbol.
- Me gusta jugar al futbol.

And finally, mechanical bull riding.

Yee-haw!

Hang on, Beverly!

Whoo! Whoo!

- Ohh!
- Whoa!

How did you do that, Beverly?

Jazzercise. Really
strengthens the buttocks.

You know, with strong
buttocks, anything is possible.

That makes scientific sense.

Well, the butt is the face
of the back of your body.

How can I make my cheeks
more rosy and plump?

Easy. Tomorrow, we're going
to Booty Boogie Body Ballet.

I'm in.

Just wait till Murray finds out

I'm taking his friends to butt class.

Do you really think that butt
dancing is the antidote here, Bev?

Oh, it's not about butt dancing.

It's about Murray eventually realizing

that he's sitting alone
at home in his chair,

and that is no way for a man to live.

But all my dad realized

was that football great Joe Namath

had a cameo on Fantasy Island.

What? This can't be happening.

And he desperately needed
someone to talk to about it.

Bill, when you get this
message, call me right away.

But he didn't stop there.

Vic, as soon as you get
this message, call me.

And since his pals weren't around,

he turned to anyone he could find.

Bevy, are you home?

Adam!

TV history is about to happen!

Lucky? Where are ya, girl?

And that's when my dad figured
out why he felt so alone.

"Fun Times with Murray's Friends"?

Pottery class?

As my dad was feeling left out,

it was time for the Frat Boys

to bust in on Beta Zeta's Gong Show.

That was the last pledge, Rick.

Hold on! We got one final act

for you mother-brothers
in this animal house!

- Frat Boys!
- Frat Boys!

Frat Boys!

What the hell?

Should I get rid of them?

No. I actually want to see this.

♪ We're the Frat Boys,
not the Fat Boys, ya see ♪

♪ And like the Fat Boys,
we got one, two, three ♪

♪ But the only cool guy up here is me ♪

♪ So please let me
be in your fraternity ♪

♪ We came to party and rock the spot ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a frat boy,
but these two are not ♪

♪ Dave Kim's lame,
and my brother is short ♪

♪ They're mainly up here
for moral support ♪

♪ Why would I insult my crew? ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just
something that frat boys do ♪

♪ I'm Beta Zeta material ♪

♪ I eat emcees like cereal ♪

♪ Cap'n Crunch or Frosted Flakes ♪

♪ Or high-fiber bran to help me make ♪

♪ We're the frat boys ♪

♪ It's a play on words ♪

♪ Like the Fat Boys,
but these two are nerds ♪

♪ We're the Frat Boys ♪

What do you say?

Can I join sideways boobs Zorro slash?

I'm just a boy!

You're handling me as if I'm resisting!

Classic hazing, guys.

Good stuff.

I don't know how to be more clear.

You will never be a Beta Zeta.

But I'm not Flounder or
Bluto. I'm just Barry.

Yeah.

And that's the guy we don't want.

Bev, I'm glad you made us come here.

After this, I'm gonna have a bowl.

It feels good in my fingers.

Well, I'm glad you two were up for it.

Lord knows Murray would
never step foot in this place.

Aha! There you are!

Murray, you got out of your chair.

You guys have been
prancing all over town. Why?

"Why?"

- Because you won't!
- Oh, no.

I was trying to slow this
thing down, but I spun it up.

Bill, I could use your hands.

- I got you, buddy.
- Aah.

Is this because of all those dumb
activities you wanted me to do?

- Yes.
- Aah!

You know what, Murray?

I always assumed that
when the kids left home,

I'd at least have you
to spend my days with.

Boy, was I wrong.

Ahh.

So I like to sit. What's the big deal?

The big deal is,

the only reason you came down here

is because your friends weren't around.

You got out of your chair for them,

but for me, you were
happy to just sit there.

- Ah, ah.
- There we go.

After Beta Zeta rejected
Barry for being himself,

he had no choice but to shed
his dream of frat-boy life.

What are you doing?

Tossing out all the
things I'd been saving

for the day I finally
joined a fraternity.

Goodbye, pledge paddle.

You will never redden
the tushies of my friends.

That's Mom's cheese board.

Goodbye, togas,

the preferred apparel
of Greek gods and ghosts.

Those are my bed sheets.

Here. Maybe you can find
a better home for them.

I'll probably just continue
to use them as sheets.

Goodbye, beer funnel.

That's a traffic cone.

Listen, Barry, you're so much
better without those guys.

No, I'm not.

One of the reasons
why I love Animal House

was the idea that you could go
from being a loser one minute

to having 50 best friends the next.

You don't need a fraternity to do that.

Well, it hasn't happened in this dorm

or anywhere else at this college.

Maybe Rick is right...
I'm not good enough.

Don't you get it?

You already belong to
an amazing fraternity,

with true friends who love you.

- Who?
- The JTP.

And they're struggling
as much as you are.

I was such a jerk to them...

Such a jerk.

But the great thing about that is,

a brother always forgives.

Matt Bradley's birthday!

Go.

Thanks, Erica.

While Barry got emotional
about his old friends,

our dad decided it was
time to get physical.

I'm a-ready.

What am I looking at?

I thought the two of us
could do the Jazzercise.

What?

You know, the thing
with the jumping around

and the crappy music
that you love so much.

I'm doing it up.

Jazzercising.

Jazzercising.

Can't stop Jazzercising.

I can't do it!

Murray, we've got to figure this out.

The rest of our lives is
coming sooner than you think.

Yeah. I know.

I was, uh, walking around the house,

and I couldn't find anybody and I, uh...

Felt alone?

Yeah, maybe.

You know the words better than me.

And you thought maybe it would be nice

to be surrounded by people who love you.

Sure. Uh, yeah.

And you realized that
without those people,

the future might not be so great.

It's so hard for me to get
excited about doing stuff,

and there's only three things I like...

Sitting, watching sports, and you.

♪ You might think I'm crazy ♪

I can work with that.

That night, my dad
learned that being together

was the only thing my
mom ever really wanted.

It's what everyone wants...

Someone who will be
there no matter what.

Aww. Thanks, guys.

- JTP!
- JTP!

JTP!

Hey. Why aren't you hanging out

with your new fraternity brothers?

'Cause I already have brothers,

and they make up the greatest
fraternity known to man...

JTP.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you guys.

Doesn't matter 'cause you're here now.

JTP.

- JTP!
- JTP!

Now let's give stupid, sweet Matt
Bradley his birthday spanking.

In the end, it's not
always about what you do.

It's who you do it
with that matters most.

Ta-da.

Oh! That is perfect!

Let me see yours.

I made a calendar to show all
the fun times we're gonna have.

I love it.

Yeah!

Sometimes in life, we lose
track of what's important.

It's easy to take
relationships for granted,

especially the ones that
have been around for so long.

Sure, there's bumps along the way,

but for the right people,

coming back together makes
you stronger than ever.

Those are the bonds
that forge us for life.

♪ All I want is you ♪

_

_

Animal House is the best movie
ever! Here's my favorite part,

where they freeze and
tell you what happened

to all the zany characters.

_

_

_

Hilarious! Man, I wish
they could do that to me.

_