The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 21 - Oates & Oates - full transcript

While throwing a telethon at their college, Barry attempts to woo Ren by promising to get Hall and Oates to perform; Beverly attempts to set Bill up, but things go awry when he finds happiness with a woman he meets through Beverly's enemy.

Back in the '80s, before Kickstarter,

the best way to raise money
for charity was telethons.

These marathon sessions of
entertainment had it all.

From top-tier talent to tuxedoed hosts.

So when Erica's friend Ren

decided she wanted
to raise money for Earth Day,

- she knew exactly how.
- Bandit. Dance, Bandit!

This dog ballerina is transcendent!

My mom still can't get Rugby

to pee outside.

Damn. How long can she stand
up on her paws like that?

Well, considering I have to fill

another 36 hours of this
telethon, I'm hoping 19 hours.

And they're done. So, what's next?

I don't know, Geoff.

Do you have any special talent
besides asking stupid questions?

Well, I guess I'm
easily hurt by insults.

So that's a no. Thank you for your help.

Wow. Ren seems pretty stressed
about the whole Earth Day thing.

She shouldn't be. 'Cause Barry's
here, and the environment is clear!

That literally makes no sense.

Plus, it's well-established that
you are no friend of this planet.

I saw you huck a Mountain Dew
bottle into the woods.

Which then became
a beaver's tool or weapon!

Are you on the beaver's side or not?

Who's the beaver's enemy?

Chipmunks. Wolves. Coyotes.

Foxes. Gators. Bigger beavers.

Just tell me why you're doing this.

To win Ren's heart.

And all the other good parts.

Ugh! How many times
do I have to say this?

Just stay away from my friends!

Tell them to stay away from me!

- She kissed me twice!
- On spring break!

That is the one time a year

that you are allowed
to make horrible mistakes

because of heatstroke
and slushy rum drinks.

We connected.

Then our lips connected!

We're obviously meant to be.

Have you guys even spoken
since those kisses?

Not with words, but with fleeting
looks and playful smiles.

- So no.
- Amazing news!

I got Ed Begley Jr.

Dr. Victor Ehrlich from the NBC
medical drama St. Elsewhere?

I guess. He's also a well-known
environmentalist and oddball.

He's bringing his recumbent bike!

Big deal. I can do a
wheelie on a ten-speed.

Okay, I've locked down another hour,

and I've only got 30 more to go.

- Seems like a lot.
- So much. I'm in real trouble.

- But Ed Begley Jr.!
- Am I crazy,

or do good things
happen when we're together?

Let's celebrate with a
soulful, lingering hug.

- Or a platonic group one.
- Yes!

My family did one every
morning before school

- to kick-start my day.
- Ah!

- What?
- I got to go.

No, this warm body wasn't meant for you!

Get off me!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was April 22nd, 1980-something,

and my dad and Bill were enjoying

the two things they loved most...

Sports and chicken.

Another chicken wing, Bill?

Mur, I am stuffed to the gills.

But I can't say no.

Eating from a helmet is just too fun.

Yeah, it is. It's almost like
you're in the game.

What game?

All you two do is sit around

and get ranch dressing
inside the remote.

Spicy drumstick?

Have you guys ever had
a real conversation?

You're supposed to be best friends.

Best friends who don't yakety-yak

and try and get below the surface.

- Spicy drumstick?
- Fine.

Get a load of these two lovebirds.

One stick of chewing gum,

and they're out on a lake
and having fun.

Twins creep me out.

It's not what God intended,

but it's nice
that they found each other.

Heck, I'm thinking it might be time

for me to find someone myself.

Bill, did I hear you right?

Are you really ready to be set up?

Where did you come from?

I didn't even know
you were in the house.

I suppose it might be time
to jump back on the old horse.

As long as the horse is a
lady and not too broken-down.

Ohh, this is the best news!

Oh, you're finally over your wife,

and your heart is open to love.

Sure, it's that.

And recently, my appendix broke

and I couldn't find anyone
to take me to the hospital

- for three days.
- You know you can call.

I don't like to bother.

Your remarkable tale of survival

is gonna have a happy ending

because Beverly Goldberg is on the case,

and my Yenta-dex
is ready to find you love.

Let's do it.

It's time for Bill
to flex his love muscle.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was unnecessarily visual.

And so my mom went to work.

Great news, Bill.

Female loneliness
is at an all-time high.

Oh, [Bleep] no.

It was Jane Bales...

The only Yenta in town Yenta enough

to go toe-to-toe with my Yenta mom.

Hello, Beverly.

Bill, please tell me
you're not so desperate

for human companionship

that you'd hitch your cart
to this old pack mule.

We're not romantically entwined.

Jane's here to help set me up, too.

- What's that, now?
- Word travels fast

when you harass every available
lady in Montgomery County.

I figured the more Yentas, the merrier.

You figured wrong.

Jane couldn't set up mac with cheese.

I put cornflakes and lobster in mine,

and it'll make your tongue cry.

Ever set up a rabbi with a geisha?

I have. Twice.

Once, I set up a man in a wheelchair

with the woman who ran him down.

I was once attacked by a mountain man

on a hike who spoke only in grunts.

After I got to safety,

I set him up with
a patent attorney from Boston.

That's how good I am.

- Maybe work together?
- Opposite!

We are gonna go toe-to-toe

in a no-holds-barred Yenta cage match.

Winner take all!

A classic Yenta-Off. I'm in.

I just wanted someone to
eat a meal with, but okay.

Let's do this thing
where you go to lady war.

As my mom and Jane were matchmaking,

Barry was trying to forge
a match of his own.

It's super simple. All you have
to do is take down their name,

info, and how much
they'd like to pledge.

And don't forget the
"please" and "thank you."

Also, I like to add a
little "whoo-whoo-whoo!"

if they pledge more than $50.

I got this.

Go for Barry.

Yes, this is Earth Day Headquarters.

Who's this? Myron?

That's a brutal name.
Do your parents hate you?

Also, please and thank you.


Yeah, Bar, I think you might be
suited for a more important role

in the Earth Day celebration...

As a producer.

I like the sound of that!
It's so vague and powerful.

So, I need you to produce
some sweat towels

for our ventriloquist on a unicycle.
Thanks so much.

Damn it! How do I get Ren's attention?

You don't, 'cause she's super busy.

I know. She's running this whole thing.
We're both alphas.

We have everything in common.

So just stop trying so hard

and just be the great guy
we all know and love.

- Matt Bradley?
- You!

Right. That was my plan,

but Ren is so caught up
in saving the stupid planet.

What about things that matter... Me?

Well, if you want to win Ren's heart,

then just bring her a cheesesteak
from Geno's. It's her favorite.

That's so much easier
than telling her nice things

or asking her about herself.

I am so proud of you.
That was very mature and...

Oh, no! You have an evil
smile 'cause Ren's a vegetarian!

One whiff of that greasy meat pile

and she will never want to
talk to Barry ever again.

I will find someone
to scratch your itch.

Just get onstage. Thanks.

But he made a commitment!

Damn it!

- Good news?
- Ed Begley Jr. is not coming!

His corn-powered three-wheeled
car broke down.

I think I have just the thing
to turn that frown upside down.

- What is that?
- It's sliced beef

smothered in cheese and onions,

all tucked sloppily in
a meat-juice drenched bun.

Oh, that is absolutely vile.
Please get that away from me.

But I had them top it with some
pig cracklin's for crunch.

I... That needs to get out of here.

As Barry looked for a way in with Ren,

my mom had a plan
to get Bill out on the town.

All right. Take me to your lady
garden so I can pluck a flower.

Bad start. I-I just want to meet a gal.

And meet a gal you shall.

I have over 300 beautiful
bachelorettes for your perusing.

300 women? That's more than
I've met in my whole life.

But don't mistake quantity for quality.

Lucky for you, I am here
to turn Beverly's misses

into your missus.


Please give a warm welcome
to Janice Crowley.

What a beautiful name!
She's my number-one gal.

And is that a witch's wart?

That is a mole, and we're
keeping an eye on it.

How could you not? It's smack-dab
in the middle of her nose.

But beggars can't be choosers.
Where does she live?

Bill, there is no need to settle
on this hag from Beverly's coven.

Bachelorette number two.

Get ready to pop the question
to Jenkintown's newest retiree,

Gladys Finklebaum.

Kinda looks like my mom,
but hey, I'm down to clown.

The question I'd like to pop is,
how old is that biddy?

Okay, fine. How about someone
who's brimming with life?

Welcome Tiffany D'Amber.

Whoa! She's quite youthful.

Maybe too youthful.
Is that a jump rope in her hands?

You seem off your game, Beverly.

There's just not a lot of
gold out there at the moment.

And yet there is.

I brought just one candidate,
the perfect one.

Sweet Snow White,
she's pretty as a princess!

Dolores is even better than a
Disney princess... She's real.

That's my number-one criteria.

There's gotta be
something wrong with her.

What is she, uh, splotchy? Blotchy?

Rashy? Acne-d? Stinky? No pinkies?

None of those are deal breakers!

She's normal and sweet and kind
and right outside that door.

She's been waiting
outside this whole time?

That's how confident I am.

It's the woman from the picture!

Hi, Bill. I'm Dolores.

Hi, Bill. I'm also Dolores. Oh!

I'm as nervous as a June bride.

Would you like to grab some
coffee or a lifetime of memories?

Coffee sounds fun.

Nice work, Jane!


How could you bring that
woman into my home,

where my children sleep?

You're just upset 'cause now it's
clear who the best Yenta is.

Oh, please. They have zero chemistry.

Oh, they're making out on your lawn.

Damn it! I got to hit the sprinklers.

While my mom
struck out finding Bill love,

Barry was still determined
to get up to bat with Ren.

- Hey!
- Pops, it's a romantic emergency.

I need to wow a gal.

It's easy... Chocolates and daffodils.

Wrong. Adam, I've seen
the girls you drag home.

- They're all better than you.
- I'm not that bad.

You're garbage, and they're nines.

Tell me your sorcerer's spell.

I guess I listen...

Shut up! I can't bear
to hear you drone on.

Pops, I'm back to you.

No, you're being a putz.

Adam, I'm tagging you back in.

Just find something Ren
likes and do that.

As boring as that sounds,
that might work.

She needs a celebrity
for her charity telethon.

So get her a celebrity.

You'll be a hero, and she'll
shower you with kisses.

I like this shower-kiss plan.

Finally, your tired brain kicked in.

But what celebrity can I score
on such short notice?

But I heard John Oates of R&B
super duo Daryl Hall & John Oates

went to our dentist once.

It's decided! Adam will
pretend to need a checkup,

break into the files,

retrieve Oates' personal details,

bring 'em to me, I'll cold-call him

and convince him
with my insurmountable charm

to play for whatever
charity this is for.

It's Earth Day. And why can't you go?

I was just there two years ago...
Too suspicious.

- Move it!
- Fine!

I'd rather be at the dentist than here.

So here I go, I guess.

Ren? Yep, I just locked down

Daryl Hall & John Oates
for your telethon.

- What?
- Barry, this is a terrible plan.

That's right! Barry did it!

I'll have 'em there tonight.

Oh, my God!

That's too soon for something
that'll never happen.

Sure, make yourself feel better.

Daffodils? I feel sad for you.

Barry's surefire way to secure

Daryl Hall & John Oates

was to send me to the dentist.
Only one problem.

I had seven cavities, man!

No one cares about
your tragic dental hygiene.

Did you get Oates' number?

I was sitting in that chair for
three hours fighting for my life.

So stop drinking juice.

- Oates me!
- I did get something.

The world-famous lips
that wrote Maneater

- are in my hands!
- I guess.

How'd you score these luscious choppers?

My brain was flying so high on nitrous

that I lost all fear
or sense of morality.

Been there. Go on.

Then I slipped on a Highlights magazine,

crashed into a poster about flossing,

but I swiped it.

And look! There's a phone number!

I did it! I found Oates!

I did undergo major oral surgery

and commit a misdemeanor,

but sure, you looked
at something in your hand.

Yes, I'd like to ask John
Oates to be on a telethon.

What? A lab in Arizona?


- Yeah, we're not getting John Oates.
- Great!

I had a man's hand in my mouth
for hours, all for nothing.

That man's hand inside of you
meant everything!

So there's only one logical thing to do.

More carrots, less Reese's Pieces?

You and I must become
Daryl Hall & John Oates.

Ooh, fun! And... What?

I'll be Hall. You'll be Oates.

And we'll nail our performance
with such utter perfection,

no one will be able to distinguish
us from the real thing.

I'm still a little fuzzy from
the gas, but that seems right.

As Barry and I transformed
into music legends,

my dad was wondering
where his bandmate was.

Ah, the Phillies suck! Where's Bill?

I need him to boo
our favorite team together.


Bill's probably waking up
in a bathtub full of ice

because Jane Bales' match has taken
his spleen, liver, and nipple.

No one steals a nipple.

You don't know!

Those sensitive little buttons

are in big demand on the black market.

They put 'em in soups.

I guess I asked.

Hey, hey, hey! Beverly Goldberg!

There's my walking ray of sunshine!

I suppose I do brighten any room I'm in.

And my Mur-man.

Looks like this big bowl of ice
cream could use a cherry on top.


- Mwah!
- Oh!

Get off! What's that smell?

Dial soap. It's the
fragrance of bath time.

And you're wearing a sweater.

It's something called Merino wool.

It's not the best,
but it's not the worst.

So, y-you're happy?

Dolores is fun. She's interesting.
She does stuff.

We went on a walk!

If you like walks so much, sit down.

Steve Carlton's
about to give up another one.

No can do, my friend.

Dolores and I are going to
dinner at a restaurant.

You should come and see
how great she is for yourself.

We'll be there.

I'm gonna test her and see
if she really is a good match

or just another Jane Bales dud.

Seems like you should just be
happy for me, but okay!

- Ha-ha!
- I'm gonna expose Dolores

for the fraud she is.

And Jane Bales will be banned
from Yenta-ing forever.

Which one's Jane Bales, again?

And so my mom
set out to do what she did best...

Systematically destroy
a budding relationship.

So, what's everybody drinking?

Hm, Dolores?

Just six glasses of wine
because of your problem?

Oh, I'm kind of a lightweight.

I'll just have a beer.

Me too. Good call!

We're still not sure about you.

I have no opinion.

Oh, Dolores, I see you looking at

the expensive side of the menu, huh?
You like nice things?

Guilty as charged!

Aha! You're gonna bleed Bill's
already meager life savings dry.

Oh, well, actually, I make
more money than Bill.

She knows fancy finance words

like "dividend" and "checking account."

And you'll always feel
inferior because of it.

Nuh-unh! I'm ready for my
full-time job to be foot rubber.

Well, I'm hiring!

Yeah, well, keep your hands off her
dogs while I'm eating my soup.

Beverly, I didn't know
when to bring this up,

but I am a huge fan of your cookbook.

You are?

Would you mind signing mine for me?

Here? Now?

I have my own smudge-proof pen!

And please don't tell me

that you bedazzled that
gorgeous sweater yourself.

I did bedazzle this beauty myself.

How are you so amazing
and friends with Jane Bales?

Jane and I aren't really friends.

Between you and me,
she's a strong cup of coffee.

She is a piece of [Bleep].

- Bill, we are so lucky we found Dolores!
- Aww!

As my mom warmed up to Dolores,

my brother and I were comin' in hot.

Sorry I'm late.

I got sidetracked
hugging some trees outside.

I cannot thank you enough.

So, where are they?

They're preparing all their hits.

You can announce them in five.

You're the best.

Without knowing any facts,
what incredibly stupid thing did you do?

He promised her that Daryl Hall
& John Oates would perform,

- but instead, we are.
- What?

I'm gonna go try and get ready,

even though there's no way.

Barry, please don't do this.

I see what this is!

You're cheesesteaking me!

You're telling me to do the opposite

of what will make Ren happy

'cause you don't want us to be together.

I promise I am not cheesesteaking you.

I'm trying to protect you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure

to welcome Philadelphia's very
own Daryl Hall & John Oates!

See you at our wedding!

Yeah, we thought of everything.

Except for the part where we both
dressed as the same rock star.

You're supposed to be Oates, dummy!

I am Oates! You're supposed to be Hall!

This is what Hall looks like!

♪ Oh-oh, here she comes ♪

Dude, Hall's the tall blond!

Oates is the mustachioed one!

♪ Oh-oh, here she comes ♪

You need to sing the Hall parts!

I just know the backing vocals!

♪ Oh-oh, here she comes ♪

What are we gonna do?

I guess you sing the part you know.

♪ Oh-oh, here she comes ♪

♪ She's a m... ♪

What the hell, Barry?

I'm sorry. Let us do Rich Girl!

No! I don't want you to do
anything ever again.

Just leave.

- Oh, no.
- I warned you.

This is all your fault!

Me? How am I to blame for this?

If you were honest with me
in the first place,

I would've listened to you now!
Thanks for nothing.

And why did you agree to this?

Honestly, the last thing I remember

is a dental assistant asking me

if I had someone to drive me home.

As we flamed out, Jane Bales
was burning mad at my mom.

Beverly Goldberg! How could you?

You can't prove it, and
I'll deny it to my grave!

Also, what is this about?

Dolores broke up with Bill.

She said she thought
we weren't a good fit.

But she's the ham
to my pocket filled with ham.

Which means you clearly did
something to sabotage them.

I mean, I went to dinner with the
intention of doing something,

but then I liked her.

You just couldn't handle that
I found Bill love and not you.

I still remember
the last place we kissed.


Why, Beverly? Why do you hate love?

I didn't do this!

Who would do this if it wasn't you?

It was me, okay?

- Murray?
- What did you do to that woman?

I just told her that Bill was
so crushed after his wife left

that he wasn't ready
for another relationship.


It was just all happening too fast.

I saw you all these years
destroyed by love,

and I didn't want to
see it happen again.

But Dolores makes me happy.

I was just looking out for you, buddy.

If you were really my buddy,

you wouldn't have
sucker-punched my heart.

- Bill...
- No, Murray!

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone.

I knew I didn't
need to get my doorbell fixed.

Barry's attempt to wow Ren

didn't exactly go as planned.

I can't believe we both
dressed up like Daryl Hall.

Oates! We're both Oates!
How are you still not getting that?

I guess I just screw up everything.

Stupid mustache.

Oww! Ohh!

Just take it off like this.

On, off.

On, off.

Oates, Hall.

Oates, Hall.

Mine doesn't do that.

What kind of adhesive did you use?

The stuff Dad seals the tub with.

That's not meant for the human face!

This bagel duster's gonna be on forever!



Yeah, I'll let you guys talk.

How's it going?

Not so great.

I embarrassed myself
in front of a girl I like,

but even worse, I let her down.

Why'd you lie about
Daryl Hall & John Oates?

I thought I could get them.

And I tried, but I-I only
ended up with their teeth.

I feel like there's more there,

but I'm just not gonna ask.

I'm sorry I ruined your telethon.

Here's the thing, you didn't.

Everyone thought it was
some goofy comedy act

called Oates & Oates,
so we got a ton of donations.

So I kinda helped?

You kinda did.

But next time, just talk to me.

I wanted to, but you were so busy,

and Erica convinced me
you only kissed me on spring break

because it was your vacation.

Well, she doesn't know everything.

You kinda like me, too?

A guy that would
go through all of this effort

to support something
that's important to me...

What's not to like?

Wait. This isn't right.

Oh, no. 'Cause I'm not
a viable romantic partner?

No, dummy.


Oww! Ohh!

The truth is,

we all do crazy stuff
for the people we care about,

even if it doesn't always work out.

I don't get it. I thought you
wanted Bill to be happy.

I do.

I just didn't want to
see him get hurt again.

Honestly, you not supporting
your friend hurts more.

Well, that's not what I want.

Bill's the best.

He deserves all the good stuff.

Then tell him that.

Not talking to each other,
it's kind of our thing.

Well, maybe it shouldn't be.

♪ Because your kiss,
your kiss is on my list

Oh, it's you.

I was kinda hoping
you were somebody else.

Here she is.

Hi, Bill.

My gummy bear's back!

- I'll give you guys a minute.
- Okay.

Listen, what I said about
not wanting you to get hurt?

It's true. I meant it.

I appreciate that.

Here's the thing...

I don't have a lot of people in my life.

You're my friend.

My one friend.

Right back at you.

We spend every Sunday
watching TV at my house,

and the thought of that not happening...

That's a thought you don't need to have.

There's not a woman in the world

that can come between me
and my best bud.

- Really?
- Really.

Now bring it in.

Let old Bill get his arms around you.

Turns out, accepting
what makes the people we love happy

can make us all happier in the end.

Hey, I'll grab you another slice.

You sure you're okay with this?

Yeah, I suppose.

I mean, you are
two of my favorite people.

'Cause when we open our hearts,

we can all find new ways
to grow... Together.

Enjoy your game. We're going shopping.

After all, sharing moments with
people we love, both old and new...

That's one of the best things in life.

Hi. I'm Wendi McLendon-Covey,

and I play Beverly Goldberg
on The Goldbergs.

We have a character called Bill Lewis,

and I've got some questions for you.

What advice would you give someone

who's going to work
for Beverly Goldberg?

Wear a set of earplugs.

Well, that's it.

The Earth Day telethon
is over for another year.

You should be so proud of yourself.

I mean, you filled two straight days

with wall-to-wall entertainment.

I guess, but I still didn't
get anyone famous.

Damn it!

I was so close
to Daryl Hall & John Oates.

What the hell, man? Are you mocking me?

Oh, no, I-I was just messing around.

- I-I'm sorry.
- You should be.

But me and my buddy, we got this band,

- and I thought maybe next year...
- Hard no.

But don't you guys got
a bunch of hours to fill?

Hard no! Sweet 'stache, though.

Oh, well, thanks.
It's, uh, kinda my thing.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx