The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 20 - The Return of the Formica King - full transcript

Growing up, my dad
made all sorts of sounds.

There was the grunt...

...the grumble, the mumble...

- ...the "Ah!"...
- Ah!

...and, of course, the "Bup, bup, bup!"

- Bup, bup, bup!
- But it was his groan

- that really told the story.
- Oh!

It was the sound he made before, during,

- and after work.
- Ah.

It was clear to anyone within earshot

he didn't enjoy his job.



Allow me to translate.

Toast?

This groan meant,
"Every day's the same."

Have a good day, honey.

And this one meant, "Not gonna happen."

He does not have the wind at his back.

I hope I never have to work for real.

But my dad did, at his furniture store,

the Ottoman Empire,

every day for the last 20 years.

Good morning, sunshine.

I bought you a Boston cream,
extra cream.

Meaning, "I've already had four."

And after a long day
of sitting, selling furniture,



and hanging with Vic,
it was closing time.

Have a blessed evening, Mur.

That one was just a groan.

Yep, for my dad, work wasn't the best.

At least he joyfully
returned home to his family.

Home. Nobody bother me.

We're all on the same page,
sweetie, so go relax.

- The TV's all yours.
- Damn right.

And the final groan could only
mean one thing...

"At least I have you, TV."

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was April 15th, 1980-something

and, for us drama kids,

the pinnacle of
our otherwise boring year.

This year's spring musical will be...

nothing.

So, then, an actual play?

Finally, a gritty role
I can sink my teeth into.

Like maybe a working-class galoot

who came back from the war

with one less finger
and a head full of horrors.

His name is Jimbo,
but people call him Tree.

Again, no one's
calling this guy anything,

because it's not a play.

We're doing nothing.

But the cast wrap party is historically

where Schernecke shines romantically.

Get your pity smooches
elsewhere, Matt Schernecke.

We're doing bupkis because
the licensing fees went up.

Balls! The musical is
the one time where theater geeks

get light-to-moderate fame
in this school.

Football players would nod at me.

I was a shape they recognized.

A cheerleader said,
"Oh, it's you," right to my face.

Like we shared the same world!

What are we gonna do?

Nothing, unless anybody
has any fully fledged material

lying in a drawer at home.

I got some stuff in a drawer at home

that makes me fully fledged.

- Out!
- Way ahead of ya.

- Actually, I have a musical.
- Do tell.

It's called "The Play Ground,"

and it's a meditation
on what it means to play.

Adam made me read it.

It's about a flower
who wants to get planted

on the other side of a playground.

It's okay.

Okay?!

It might be the best thing
a 12-year-old's ever written.

It just needs a finale.

Sounds amateurish and unfinished,

but it's all we got.

I'm humbled to share
my creative vision with you.

Relax, Tennessee Williams.

Just shove it in your backpack tonight.

I had no idea you had a musical in you.

Yep. "The Play Ground"
is an originally penned piece

by me and Erica.

Your older sister who left for college

and barely acknowledges your existence?

The very one.

And the minute I tell her we're
putting this production on,

she's gonna be psyched to dive back in.

God, no!

But it's a chance to see
our work up there in lights!

You have a marquee?

There's a bulletin board
with pins. It's the same.

I had fun writing that with you
like five years ago,

but I'm busy with my studies
and my boyfriend

and not wanting to do it at all.

Yoo-hoo. Geoffy's home.

Oh, my, a guest?

Erica, you didn't say
anything about company.

I'm so sorry. This is not
how it normally looks.

Geoff, stop. You do not
have to clean up for him.

He was just leaving.

So soon? A-At least stay for a beverage.

We have Tab and sink water.

You've tempted me.

I'm gonna park myself right here
and make a night of it.

No! I have things to do.

Like finish a musical
with your baby brother?

Wow. You guys are a regular
Rodgers and Hammerstein,

except you're siblings
and children and...

Hey, look, a whole song about slides!

It's called "The Play Ground,"
and it's set in a playground.

It makes you think.

It almost does.

A duet about monkey bars? I can't wait.

Well, you're gonna have to,
because it's not happening.

Unless you take my hand and come with me

to complete our theatrical destiny.

Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop by anytime. You're always
welcome in our home.

No, he's not.

And stop offering my Tabs to people.

While my sister was kicking me out,

my dad was kicking back at the office,

until this guy moseyed in...
Formica Mike, the Formica King,

my dad's local furniture-shop rival.

He was gaudy, tacky,
and my dad couldn't stand him.

Hello, Murray Goldberg.

- What do you want?
- It's not what I want.

It's what I'm offering...
an invitation to break bread.

I'll break a stale loaf over your head.

Vic, come on.

I'm sorry, but I will not fall victim

to this man's shenanigans.

Have you seen his commercials?

I can't trust a man who dresses
like a mattress.

Oh, you saw my spots?

Listen, does it look weird

when that couple's lying on top of me?

No. Narratively, it worked fine.

I'm responding to the costume.

What are we talking about here?

We're talking about you, me, and
our wives having dinner together.

What do you say?

I say I've never wanted
to do anything less.

Then I don't have any choice but
to purchase these two chairs.

Our sitting chairs?!

Fine.

If it makes this end,
I'll have dinner with you,

but I'm eating quick.

Is there any other way?

We're going to Le Bec-Fin.

It's French.

Holy moly!

It's also considered
the best restaurant in America.

Dick Cavett ate there.

Well, so are we, this Saturday night.

Tell your wife.

She'll have heard of it.

I doubt it.

Le Bec [bleep] Fin?!

Ohh!

What are you so excited about?

I thought you hated Formica Mike
and his Formica wife.

I do. They're snooty garbage

that rub their obscene wealth
in our faces.

But Le Bec-Fin?! Oh!

They pour you that little bit
of wine for you to taste,

and you taste it and you go,
"Mmm," but you don't know.

Aren't you at least curious

as to why these people
want to take us out to dinner?

Nope.

Le Bec-Fin! Oh!

I'm gonna buy a new dress, hat,

and over-the-elbow opera gloves!

Opera gloves? What's wrong
with these sink gloves?

Damn it, Murray! Le Bec-Fin!

I wish my mom were alive
so I could show her I'd made it.

As my dad was grumbling

about dinner companions,

I was looking for a new musical partner.

So, what are we doing, again?

Erica ditched me, and I gotta
finish a rousing musical

that ties six story lines together

and makes the audience weep by tomorrow.

Here's what I got so far.

Are those the opening bars

to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon?

Gah! I knew it sounded familiar!

What's this play about, again?

Well, in this scene, Phil the Flower

learns his friends are
the real soil in his life.

Maybe this will do the trick.

Can you make it sound
more like a full orchestra?

I can kind of make a shimmer sound.

Balls! Why would Erica
screw me like this?

A handful of drama kids
are counting on me.

I'll do it. No one's asking you.

And what could you possibly
bring to the table?

Oh, I bring everything to the table...

chairs, place mats, napkin rings,

decorative centerpieces,
candles, my elbows.

Stop naming things that go on a table!

I need music and lyrics.

Done and done.

I'll write you the greatest rap
known to man,

and you can waste it
on your lazy high school play.

Pass!

I don't need you
showing up out of nowhere,

sucking on a treat,

and insinuating yourself into my life!

You'll be back. They all come back.

Except for all the ones
who never come back.

You did the right thing.

Your brother is no friend to music.

Plus, there's nothing
Erica would hate more

than if I let him ruin our musical.

- Hold on!
- Don't say "Hold on."

Nothing good ever happens

when people in your family
say "Hold on"!

If I let Barry ruin our musical,

Erica will have to step in and fix it.

That's a huge leap, and it
will most certainly backfire.

Not a chance, Dave Kim.

You can go. And please take
your piano guts with you.

Do you know how long it took to
get this thing down the stairs?

You're not a good friend!

You're in!

Yes! What are my parameters?

None. Go wild.

- Buck wild?
- What's the difference?

You know what? Surprise me.

Good decision.
You just became a millionaire.

I don't see how, but sure.

While I enlisted Barry's help,

my mom and dad reported for
dinner with the King and Queen.

Le Bec-Fin!

I can't believe we're here!

And in the back room?

Nothing but VIP, baby.
My Franny demands it.

That's enough out of you, Mikey.

Although I do love the privacy.

Who wants to sit with other people?

If you want to be more alone,
I can make that happen.

Oh, Murray, stop it.

Le Bec-Fin!

That was gibberish
the first 50 times you said it.

Is this place too good
for a basket of bread?

No, but they do have
this divine Melba toast.

Toast?

I put on pants to eat the one
thing I could make at home?

You know what?
I'm with the big guy here.

Give me a hot cross bun,
plate of salty butter.

That's living.

Say, Fran, I can't help but admire

your beautiful necklace and earrings.

Are those emeralds?

Rarer. Green diamonds.

See, I got this guy
in the diamond district,

a disgusting monster.

I'll hook you up.

Yep, nothing but the best from my Mikey.

You should see our Margate house.

You have a house down the shore?

Four houses in from the boardwalk.

Did you hear that, Murray?
Four houses in!

And I got a lead on a house
two in from the boardwalk.

Meaning ours could be available soon.

Wink, wink.

She's winking at me.

We own a shore house now.

How did you get that from
her having crap in her eye?

Oh, we're gonna spend every summer

with our ungrateful children
and then their children.

We are gonna anchor our family

to the beautiful brown and gray
shores of New Jersey.

That's how it works
with our crappy kids.

Pure crap, but we love 'em.

Thanks for getting my wife
all worked up,

but I've already got one house
I can't afford.

Well, maybe I can help you with that.

Murray, I would very much like
to buy your furniture store.

You serious?

As serious as my heart issues.

Sometimes it beats fast, sometimes slow,

sometimes not at all.

I can't believe
we're gonna have a shore house!

And there's gonna be decorative starfish

and, for some reason...
an oar above the door.

Yeah. Take it easy, Blackbeard.

We don't even know
what the man's offering.

Now... you do.

Is that a period or a comma?

Comma, baby.
The punctuation of the wealthy.

Holy [bleep] starfish money!

We're rich!

We're gonna have everything monogrammed.

I don't like people knowing my initials.

I'm gonna have to mull it over.

You take your time.

You got till tomorrow.

Even though taking
Formica Mike's buyout offer

seemed like a no-brainer,
our dad wasn't so sure.

I'm home! I don't want to hear it!

Vic? W-What are you doing here?

Beverly pulled me into
your ugly domestic squabble.

Murray, you really need to
consider Formica Mike's offer.

Al, you wanna weigh in?
It was your shop first.

You want your legacy stripped for parts?

For that kind of dough, strip away!

It's just furniture. Who cares?

Agreed!

It's mostly wood. It's not that special.

Look out the window.

It's everywhere...
tree, tree, little bush.

We could have all our friends

to our shore house on July Fourth,

and they would quietly speculate

about how much the house cost.

Oh!

The envy would eat 'em alive.

I'd certainly be curious and resentful.

So, that's what this is about,

you making your friends jealous?

And you can finally
stop complaining about work.

I don't complain about work.

It's all you do!

It's your defining
characteristic as a person!

Your negativity has pulled me down, too.

I've spoken to my pastor about it.

He'd like you to join us
at our men's picnic.

Mur, come on. Take the deal.

I'm not taking it until he apologizes.

Apologizes to you? For what?

For big-timing me.

With his handsome and excessive offer?

Let him big-time you, Mur. Who cares?

I care!

No deal.

Well, if all it takes is an apology

to get me a family beach house

that gives me generational
control of my children,

then so be it.

That seems misguided
and selfish, but you do you.

How are you gonna get
the Formica King to apologize

for trying to give Murray
a ton of money?

Easy.

I'm not going to him.

Beverly, I'm so glad you called.

Who was that woman
who answered your phone?

My secretary.

You have a secretary? For what?

To do all the things I don't want to,

which is everything besides
shopping and drinking wine.

My God, I want your life.

It's yours. Just get your Murray
to accept my Mikey's offer.

Well, this might sound crazy,
but could you get Mike

to give Murray just a teensy,
itsy-bitsy apology?

Done.

I thought that would be harder.

Please. Apologies are just words.
Words mean nothing.

Ah, that's how I feel!

As my mom and Fran struck a deal,

I had a plan to make my sister
sorry she turned me down.

Adam! Please come in.

Welcome to our home.

Mwah! Mwah!

Oh, boy, coming in hot.

And help yourself to some gourmet snacks

or a variety of freshly squeezed juices.

Those are my juices!

And why are you here?

Just letting you know I found someone

to help me finish the musical.

Oh, esteemed creative partner!

Barry?

And is that the chalkboard
from our house?

We tied it to the bumper
and drove it here.

It has little wheels.

Dried fruit or nuts?

I'm allergic to both, but let's do it.

What the hell is going on?

Welcome to the new and very
improved "The Play Ground,"

- featuring Big Tasty!
- Mm!

Dummies, all the chalk came off.

Oh, stupid outside!

Then I'll summarize.
It's no longer about Phil the Flower.

He was weak and gave the wrong
idea about the playground.

What's this idiot talking about?

This idiot is talking about
injecting our musical

with explosive, high-octane energy.

And it gets even more bonkers!

Tell her who the main character is.

A giant, ass-kicking
Tootsie Roll named Clyde.

Why the hell would
a fighting chocolate treat

be on a playground?

He fell out of a kid's pocket.

Now he's gotta find his way back,

with the help of Martin Riggs
of Riggs and Murtaugh.

You put the "Lethal Weapon" guys
in your musical?

Just Riggs. He's an emotional time bomb,

and he's got three jaunty numbers.

This is clinically insane.

That's the Riggs character.
But don't worry.

He accidentally blows himself up
in the second act.

There's violence on the playground?!

And tons of sex.

You know that big metal thing you spin?

Some randy teens
do unspeakable things on it.

And the nudity is not tasteful.

But isn't this show for kids?

I don't know who it's for.
I just know it kicks ass.

Now tell 'em about the big finale.

Clyde the talking Tootsie
defends the playground

by destroying a robotic shark
in a rap battle.

It's a real departure
from the original...

and also reality.

Enough! You clearly ruined it!

But I thought you didn't care
about "The Play Ground" anymore.

Not until you completely
ripped out its emotional appeal.

It's about the chutes
and ladders of childhood,

not shark robots.

Robotic sharks.

It's a small but important distinction.

I guess there's a solution...

you come back to finish what we started.

Damn it, fine!

Sweet! Barry, you're fired.

You'll regret this.

I don't know how, and you're
my ride, but this isn't over.

I'll be waiting downstairs.

See ya at the piano tomorrow.

Ta!

You think everyone had a nice time?

While my old musical duo
was back in business,

my mom had one last shot to
get my dad to take Mike's deal.

I can't believe you dragged me

to this dumb country club.

Dumb? It's Ashborn.

I don't care where we are.
I don't want to be here.

When have you ever said no
to a free buffet?

Plus, Formica Mike is gonna apologize

for whatever minor indignity
you suffered.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Is that a carving station?

You bet your tuchus.

Help yourself to some meaty delights.

How many slices can I get?

Take the whole damn tenderloin.

Jimbo, put the sweet beast
onto his plate.

I told you this would work.

Pretty soon I'll be on
the shore, under an umbrella,

yelling at my grandkids not to
play Frisbee with strangers.

That's the dream.

And when you're finished with that,

head over to the dessert table,

grab yourself a big chunk
of Black Forest cake.

It's gonna ruin you for
two days, but it's worth it.

Yep, despite my dad

wanting nothing to do
with country-club life,

he did start to enjoy the perks.

You found the schvitz.
Thought you disappeared.

I have to admit, this is nice.

The nicest.

And all this can be yours, Murray.

Is that your apology?

No.

This is.

I deeply regret my action
of offering you all that money.

Please accept my apology

and all the money that
I originally offered you.

In that moment, one "yes" from my dad

would change our lives forever.

Instead, this happened.

Bevy, get the car. We're going.

Where's your pants?!

Stuck in a locker.
I don't know the combination.

You didn't take the deal?
It's what you wanted!

No. It's what you wanted.

I want to go to work every day.

What? You hate going to work!

I know it seems like that,
but I love my job.

But you're never
not complaining about it.

Because I love complaining.

And I love filling up the cash register.

And I love the dumb customers.

And I love having lunch with Vic.

I love it.

I didn't know that.

Well, now you do.

There's my girl.

I got everything we need...
a piano, a kazoo,

and the finest instrument
there is, these sweet pipes.

Save it, Streisand. Here ya go.

- Whazdis?
- The song you wanted.

But we haven't even written it yet.

I did. Last night.

I figured it was easier that way.

It's not about easy.

It's about collaborating,

coming together through
the power of music.

Hit the bricks, Goldturds.

I signed out this room
for band practice.

No, you didn't. I did.

Oh. It was worth a shot.

And we're gonna be here for a while

because we're writing the grand
finale to our musical together.

We're not. Take the room.

- Cool beans.
- Not cool beans!

I don't want this.

What the hell, man?!
That took me 20 minutes!

Band drama. Noice. Been there.

I've been asked to leave over 243 bands.

Then maybe you two should jam.

In! Our name is Butt Oven.

I'm lead vocals and guitar,
and you carry everything.

I'm not joining Butt Oven!

I wanna write a song with my sister.

I see why you two didn't work out.

This one's a diva.

Good stuff. So I'm gonna hit it.

Don't just go. Please?

Dude, what is going on with you?

What's going on with you?

I haven't seen you all year.

I see you all the time.

When you're doing your laundry
or try to pry money from Dad.

You went to college,
and we became strangers.

So, what, this is your
lame attempt to reconnect?

It was lame, but it was all I had.

And obviously it didn't work.

See you whenever.

After my sister rejected me
and I rejected her song,

the musical was stuck with
the biggest reject of all...

Barry.

This was a good decision.

I guess, man. Just do whatever.

Okay, dress is up.

I need my Tootsie Roll
and my Shark-I-Tron!

It's always been a dream
to work together.

What am I, again?

The fool I'm about to lyrically smoke.

Drop a beat!

You know, I had my doubts,
but I think that this might work.

♪ I'm a Tootsie Roll, my name is Clyde ♪

♪ On the playground,
I go down the slide ♪

♪ I ride the swings and the seesaw ♪

♪ With my main man Riggs,
but not Murtaugh ♪

♪ Something's comin' in the park ♪

♪ It's a giant monster robot shark ♪

♪ The kids all jump, the sharks attack ♪

♪ Riggs jumps on my Tootsie back ♪

♪ That's how I roll, Clyde the Tootsie ♪

♪ Now all the fly ladies
wanna play footsie ♪

♪ Rest in peace, Martin Riggs! ♪

Why do I keep believing in children?

Good art is supposed to
make you ask questions.

Here's one... how could half the
partnership from "Lethal Weapon"

be friends with a piece of candy?

That's your problem with it?

That's nothing a way-too-long
backstory rap can't solve.

Or there's another option.

Erica? Why are you here?

To apologize.

Everything you said was true...

I've been prioritizing stuff
over you, and it's not cool.

And I don't want it
to be just words. I mean it.

No matter where I'm at
in my life, I want you in it.

You're my baby brother.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that it's time
for Goldberg and Goldberg

to finish what they started.

Tootsie Roll, shark boy, you're out.

Whatever! I don't need any of you.

Except to get me out of this thing.

Somebody unzip him!

- Hey.
- I don't wanna talk about it.

I do.

All this time, I thought
I knew everything about you,

and I guess I don't.

Well, I certainly don't make it easy.

Well, we could both be better

about telling each other what we want.

I didn't know you wanted
a beach house so badly.

I don't care about some dumb house.

I care about what's in it...

our family being together and happy.

If I can have all that,
it can always be right here.

But the thing is, Mike's right.

My business is changing.

So what are you thinking?

I'm not sure.

But I do know I've been too complacent.

And if we're ever gonna
get that shore house,

I got to do something bold.

Well, whatever you do,
I'm always right behind you.

Sometimes it takes a glimpse
of the future

to help you focus on the now.

You wanted to talk?

You want to expand.
I don't want to sell.

So why don't we go in business together?

Partners?

I figured that you and I could team up

and take on the big boys.

Or become the big boys.

Life is full of surprises...

...like when the people from
your past find their way back.

And when you're open
to new possibilities,

the future is bright.

I feel like we didn't kick the
tires on the name long enough.

Buckle up, Murray.

I'm a difficult partner.

It's true. He's way too much.

In the end, as long as you make
time for the people you love,

the playground of life
can be a lot more fun.

♪ I'm a pretty, pretty flower ♪

Le Bec-Fin!

I can't believe I'm really here.

- This is a very exciting time for you.
- Oh, it really is.

And I am eager to discuss

my new role at the store moving forward.

You shall have the noble title
of Baron of the Bookcases.

A baron?

Hot dog!

And there's gonna be
some other new stuff.

For instance, no more sitting.

What's that, now?

I work my employees very hard.

If you can lean, you can clean.

But royalty doesn't clean.

They're supposed to lean.

Not in my kingdom.

La Bec-Fin!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com