The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 18 - Schmoopie's Big Adventure - full transcript

Beverly buys a bicycle for Adam just like the one from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure"; Barry and Erica turn Murray's furniture store into an after-hours lounge for college students.

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Back in the 80's, my mom
was obsessed with my birthday.

She always went over the top.
And over that top.

So as I approached adulthood,
I was hoping

for the biggest present of them all.

Get excited, Schmoopaloo.

Your gift is right
behind that garage door.

Ooh! I need to know...
Does it have wheels?

- Maybe.
- And can it take me all over town?

- Maybe.
- And when I pull up to school,

will the ladies lower
their sunglasses and say,

with surprise, "Adam Goldberg?"



Definitely!

Ta-da!

A freakin' bike?

Where's my GMC Sierra Grande,
as featured in The Fall Guy?

This is way better than a car.

Fat chance.
But then I laid eyes on my mom's

most over-the-top gift ever...

An exact replica of the bike
from Pee-wee's Big Adventure!

- You didn't.
- I did.

I'm officially the greatest
mama in the world!

She really was.

Growing up, I was obsessed
with Pee-wee Herman

and his wacky movie misadventures

tracking down his beloved beach cruiser.



Exhibit A!

A photograph of the victims.

My bike and me.

Yep, I could finally
be zany like Pee-wee!

And I owed it all to my mom!

And there's more.

Oh! Pee-wee's finely tailored suit!

Oh!

Wagh!

Agh!

Neat bike, Adam!

Thanks, Mrs. K!

Neat lawn!

Whoa! Is that Pee-wee's bike?

Sure is, Dave Kim!

Are you rolling your harp home?

I am! Your thing is way better!

Sweet ride, Goldnerd. Can I have it?

Not a chance!

Respect. You know what?

Sometimes you're pretty cool.

Yay!

Oh! How was she?

I know I say this a lot,
but honestly, this is

the first time I mean it...

- I love you.
- I'll take it.

Now scoot your booty up and
take your mama for a spin!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was March 25th, 1980 something,

and Erica had been taking
college seriously all year.

With the exception of the
campus parking regulations.

- Are these all parking tickets?
- Yeah, they are.

That's why they're in
the parking ticket drawer.

You've gotten a ticket in every
illegal zone there is...

Red, yellow, blue. What's green?

That's for parking on grass.

But what was I supposed to do?
There was no red curb.

You can't park in either!

My betrothed is a scofflaw!

Calm down, Jane Austen.

Campus parking tickets don't count.

Turns out, they did.

Oh, no! Your car has a boot on it!

I can see that, Geoff!

$300 to get a boot off?

- That can't be right.
- It is.

Your flagrant disregard
for vehicular statutes

has rightly caught up to you.

Whose side are you on?

Is it wrong to say justice?

What the hell am I looking at?

Why is there a metal thingy on our car?

It's a bummer for you, dude.

You got a bunch of parking tickets

and have to pay a steep fine
to get the boot off.

It's quite a lesson. But keep me posted.

Damn it! The details are foggy,

but it tracks with my careless nature.

Do not pawn this off on Barry.

Erica fought the campus law,
and the campus law won.

Almost like the song!

Ugh! The boot people
know what they're doing.

Just relax. I know how to fix this.

Daddy, I need a new car.

I don't know you.

I'll swear to it in a court of law.

Fine. But then I need $500
to fix the old one.

$500? What do you think,
I'm Wink Martindale?

Is Wink Martindale famously rich?

That smiling bastard has
crazy Tic-Tac-Dough money.

Then I guess if we had to cut corners

and our safety
wasn't important to you...

- It's not...
- then we could fix it for $300.

Damn it, fine! What's
wrong with it, anyway?

Oh, pfft, you know, just the usual

"I got too many parking tickets and
I got a boot put on, it's no big deal."

- A boot?
- You heard that?

You typically don't listen
to a word I say.

When it comes to money,
I hear everything.

I am not saving you from that boot.

You're gonna work it off
here in the store.

Here? Blech! Nobody
really works here, right?

You do. Starting now!

So Erica had no
choice but to take the job.

And turns out,
she was kind of a natural.

The customers liked her and liked
buying from her even more.

She sold recliners, sofa beds,

really anywhere you could put your butt.

Yep, she racked up the sales.

She even sold stuff
no one knew the name of.

What in the world is a davenport?

Oh, that's just a fancy
name for a couch.

But now we can charge double.

My little peanut is a selling machine.

What's your secret?

Oh, I'm using a tried and true
sales technique...

Being helpful.

Hoo hoo! Who would've thunk?

Hey, this is for you. You've earned it.

Nine dollars?

Three dollars an hour for three hours.
Nine dollars.

But it'll take me forever
to get that boot off.

- Also take these.
- Keys?

Please say they're to a safe
with more money in it.

No, they're for the store.

You did good work today.
I'm proud of you.

Huh. Keys. I've never gotten keys.

When your family's on vacation,
we just stay closed.

Way to go, Erica!

While my dad was teaching
Erica the value of a dollar,

I was starting to realize
the real value of my bike.

Look at this!

Someone loves his new bike,

and he loves the person
that gave it to him even more.

That's your takeaway from the boy

rubbing the thing up with a shammy?

Oh, this is no shammy.

This is a microfiber cleaning cloth.

It restores a bike's natural luster

without causing what we in the
paint game call "impact crackle."

- What are you talking about?
- I think he's cleaning it.

Well, now that it's all sparkly,

why don't take it back out,
jump some puddles?

Puddles? No, no, no, no, no.

It was a huge mistake
to ride it. Never again.

Never again?

But I saw your face,
you've never looked happier.

But I wasn't considering
the harmful elements.

We're talking fire, water, earth.

Not to mention the
deadliest of all... Air.

You're worried about air?

Dust, smoke, dirt, soot, unknown
particulates, pollen...

That one's had a target
on my back for a while.

But it's fun.

Careful!

The glands in your fingers
secrete harmful oils!

Adam, it's a bike.

I think you're being
a tad overprotective.

The hell's that?

It looks like a see-through box.

Good eye. It's a protective Lucite case.

Ideally, I'd have it in what
the CDC calls a "clean room."

But this'll have to do until those
paper pushers call me back.

But you have to ride it.

And plus, it clogs up the whole room.

It doesn't leave a lot
of space for dancing,

but at least I know she's safe.

Safe from what?

I bought it for you to play with,

like all your other toys.

But I am treating it
like all my other toys.

Behold!

Look at that. All his Starboys and
GI Jims are in little prisons.

You know it! I'm off.

No one touch the thermostat.

The best protection against
temperature is vigilance.

When did he start boxing up his toys

like it's the world's saddest museum?

I guess he likes looking at 'em now

more than playing with them.

But he's my schmoo. He loves to play.

Bevy, no one stays a kid forever.

That's it!

I'll make him stay a kid forever!

I'm not gonna stop you.

I've learned to conserve my energy.

I'm not just gonna give
him Pee-wee's bike.

I'm gonna give him
the whole damn adventure!

The rantings of a lunatic.

But have a ball.

Again, I'm tired.

And so, in an effort
to keep my childlike wonder alive,

my mom pulled a move straight
out of the Pee-wee playbook.

Somebody stole my bike!

Oh, no! Who would commit
such a heinous act?

Best guess, a crazy person.

We can't just sit here!
We gotta get it back!

Yes, we do. Well, sounds like
we're in for an adventure.

A big adventure.

A Pee-wee's big adventure.

That's a weird way to put it, but sure!

I'll go draw up a list of suspects.

Know what's suspect?

Your parenting style.

What mother steals her son's bike?

A mother who wants her boy to
relive the magic of the movie.

Once he experiences that joy,

he'll be certain
to jump on that bike again.

I-I'm just gonna sit here.

While my mom was
tricking me into being a kid again,

living without a car was proving
to be tricky for Barry.

I can't ride the bus anymore.

Do you know what kinda
people are on there?

A delightful cross section
of our great city?

It's a rolling caravan of monsters!

Oh, that's not entirely fair, man.

What's not fair is having
someone cough soup on you.

So you're making friends. Good for you.

Don't! Okay? You got our car booted,

and now I have to sit next to a lady

with an animal in her lap
I don't even recognize.

It has the qualities of a
squirrel but the face of baby.

- That can't be real.
- You want to know what's real?

A man with a unibrow didn't break eye
contact with me for over an hour.

"Why are you smiling, sir?

"And where are you going
with all that fish?"

We get it, you're not a bus guy.

But there's nothing I can do about
it at three dollars an hour.

I would kill for three dollars an hour!

You know I bust my ass
making latte foam art?

And then the coffee shop
owner Ryan comes in

rocking a new pair of
British Knights every week.

British Knights? The sporty
footwear of medieval royals?

We should rob this Ryan guy.

Or we could open our own coffee shop.

Yes. We'll destroy Ryan that way.

Great. All we need now are two things...

Coffee and a shop.

Well, we've got the Ottoman Empire.

Yeah, right, dummy.
Like Dad would ever let us.

He'll never know. It'll be
an after-hours coffee shop.

Oh, no! My lighthearted attempt
to be part of the conversation

is fueling Barry's darkest instincts!

Yeah, it is! We'll have
everything we need...

Couches, a coffee machine in
the break room, and the keys.

No way. Too risky.

But it's the quickest way to get
the boot off and me off the bus.

People shave on there.

And not just their faces.

I'm kinda liking this coffee shop idea.

All right, fine.

But we have to be super careful about it

and cover everything in plastic and...

Then it's decided!

The Ottoman Empire will become...

The Empire Lounge!

Wow. Where did all
these people come from?

Who cares? We're making
money hand over fist.

- Pla-ding!
- Pla-ding?

Yeah, it's the cash register sound.

I think you mean cha-ching.

It's a good thing you got your looks.

Anyway... Pla-ding!

- $14?
- This is just fanning money.

Here's the rest.

Holy crap! Pla-ding!

Think of what we can do with this!

Yeah, like get the boot off the car.

Think bigger. We can get
two boots off the car.

As Erica had solved her car issues,

I was about to solve a case of my own.

Exhibit A... A photograph
of the victims.

My bike and me.

Exhibit B... Another photograph.

What's wrong here?

I'm not at home, making
dinner for my family?

Aha!

The first one to speak always did it.

Did what? I just came over
because Bev told me

she was returning my standing mixer.

Ginzy, please. That thing is long gone.

Is there something you'd like to share

with the rest of us, Emmy Mirsky?

I was wondering what we're doing here.

My bike was stolen!
And one of you did it!

Yes! This is going
better than I could've ever imagined.

Let's review the facts.

The thief had to have access to my room

and know all my movements.

And they had the key to the master lock

that only me and my mom possess.

Just going out on a limb here,

but Beverly definitely took your bike.

- That makes sense.
- Yeah, I thought that

before I even knew what this was about.

Mama! Did you take my bike?

It was Dave Kim!

No, it wasn't!

I saw it. He slipped in through the
chimney like a turtlenecked Santa.

Enough. She did it, Adam!

For some reason, she wanted to
give you Pee-pee's big excursion.

Fine! It was me! But wasn't this fun?

- No.
- Balls!

I should have known!

Take me to my bike now, woman!

Well, it was right here,
and now it's not.

Someone actually stole it?

Who would do such a thing?

And yes, I see what I did there!

Open to keep me a kid at hear,

my mom had taken
my most prized possession,

my Pee-wee bike.

But then someone stole it for real.

Schmoopy, I know you're
upset, but I actually think

this is a fun wrinkle to our adventure.

Fun wrinkle?

This isn't something you can
slather your Oil of Olay on!

Our most valuable asset
is out in the world!

And that's why we're in the park...
To get it back.

Surely, the filthy BMX community
will champion your cause.

Locals only.

Johnny Atkins? It's me. Adam Goldberg.

I have pretty severe face blindness.

I have to stitch together
noises and shapes and...

Hey, your hot mom.

Hello, Jonathan.
Have you seen this bike?

- Looks familiar.
- It does?

You know something,
don't you? Where is it?

Yeah, I'm inclined to help you
find your Pee-wee bike,

- but I'm gonna need a favor first.
- Name it.

You gotta do the Tequila dance
from the movie.

- What? No way.
- Way.

And I'm gonna need your
foxy mama to do it, too.

Oh, no! We are not dancing for you!

Come on. It'll be fun, sweetie.

And hey, look! I'm already
on the picnic table.

Cheggit. Your mom's on board.

Better get up there, too, or no bikey.

♪ Tequila! ♪

That was so much fun!

Do you have When a Man Loves a Woman?

No more mother-son dancing.
Tell me where my bike is.

Lemme think about it. I swiped it.

You? Why?

I really liked it, I didn't
have it, and so I took it.

In hindsight, I'm not sure
I'm the hero in this story.

Grand... theft... bicycle!

I'm calling the cops, man!

No need to involve the cops,

especially since I stole the bike first.

What don't we have in common?

But now just point us
to where the bike is.

I guess it's in that direction.

But way past those trees and
there's, like, a bucolic glen

where the light dances on a pond.

We're not Hansel and Gretel!
Say the place!

St. Vincent's.
I felt guilty I swiped it,

so I unloaded it on the nuns there.

They need it more than me.

Yeah, you know who
needs it more than them?

Me! The guy who owns it!

Look at it this way, boopie,
the adventure continues.

Does it continue? Frickin' yay!

Just get in the car!

As I had a promising lead on my wheels,

Barry and Erica finally
got the boot off of theirs.

Sweet relief. We got our car back,

and now I never have to
ride on a bus again.

- What's wrong with the bus?
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause I went three stops

as a stranger brushed my hair.

I gotta admit, using the store
worked out pretty well,

and Dad never had a clue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think you're going?

The car's mine for the next week

to make up for your boot time.

But I gotta go quit
and give Dad his keys back.

What? You can't quit!
We need those keys!

Our lucrative business
is just taking off.

Barry, the boot's gone. We're done.

Oh, we're just getting started, baby.

- Baby?
- Yeah.

That's the way nightlife
impresarios talk.

They pepper in "babies,"
"muffins," "pretty mamas,"

and my personal favorite... "Jennifer."

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about keeping
the coffee shop open.

But instead, it's the Atlantic
seaboard's hottest nightclub.

Absolutely not.

This is Dad's livelihood
we're talking about.

We made more money than
Dad ever has in one day.

I mean, who doesn't like money?

Ugly, stupid people who can't buy stuff.

But if you do this,
you'll be dripping in...

- Diamonds?
- Better!

Butter. When you're eating
lobster every night.

Gross. I don't want buttery
lobster meat every night.

Then perhaps you'll like the
finest timepieces known to man.

- Swatch.
- I already have two of those.

Ah, how would you like 200?

I wouldn't. That's too many.

You're absolutely terrible
at selling wealth.

- So we're doing it?
- Fine. But just one more night.

And nothing can happen to Dad's store.

A reluctant "fine."

What every business
partner wants to hear.

Thanks again. Come back soon.

There's my Employee of the Week!

Wow, my 14-year streak is over

'cause your daughter sold a table lamp.

All good things must come to an end.

But what do you say you guys
shake a leg out of here

- and I'll do the rest?
- Lovely.

Nothing like having a light
shone on how unessential I am.

Toodle-oo!

You're really doing
a number on Vic's noodle.

But I gotta say it's been
great having you here.

- Dad, you don't have to say that.
- I do.

Since you've gone off to college,

we've barely spent any time together.

But I have to say,
it's been a joy seeing

what a delightful young
woman you've become.

Wow. That's might be the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

You sure you don't want to
call me a moron or something?

Why would I? You're finally not one.

Damn it. That was so warm and touching.

It's almost like you care.

Yeah, I guess I almost do.

As Erica was wondering
if she'd lost her way,

I was headed down the right path.
To church.

There she is!

Excuse me. May I help you?

Oh, it's okay, Sister.
That's my son's bike.

Sorry, but once it's donated,
it's property of the parish.

It's God's bike now.

Well, does God have a receipt?

God needs no receipts.

You know what? You are a very mean lady.

I know you are, but what am I?

Just let me explain.

See, my mom got me this bike,
then she stole it,

and then someone stole it from her,

and then we did a wildly
embarrassing dance

in front of a bunch of BMX bikers.
That brought us here.

You're messing with
the wrong sister, mister.

Okay.

In that moment, I did
something I'm not proud of.

Well, I'm kind of proud of it.

Yes, my little Pee-wee!
Ride! Ride like the wind!

This is why we got the bike
in the first place!

Don't root for me! I'm still mad at you!

And just like Pee-wee, I was off to
lead dozens of authority figures

on the most epic chase ever!

Or... not.

Adam, are you okay?

Let Mama's magical kisses
heal your broken bones.

Get away from me! You can't fix this!

Look at my bike!

I'm so sorry.

Thanks for the birthday gift.

While my mom's big adventure
to keep me young at heart

was a big failure,

the Empire Lounge was turning
into a huge success.

Holy crap! This place is packed!

I know. They're using throw
pillows to actually throw.

Whoo! The Empire Lounge
is almost at full capacity.

But don't worry. Naked Rob is
only letting in nines and above.

Barry, is that a pencil mustache?

I'm trying out a new persona...

I'm club owner and Jai Alai
enthusiast Barry Mexico.

What a fun and lazy character name.

- Was it your first thought?
- You know it!

Barry Mexico gets down to business.

You need to get all these
people out of here.

They're all over Dad's furniture.

- It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere.
- It's really not.

Oh, no!

Dad's shoddily made furniture
is falling apart.

No, it's not! It's affordable,
modern, and stylish!

Damn it, I have pride
in this establishment!

We're out of coffee.
And... "Not coffee."

You're serving alcohol?

Come on, you can't have an
illegal after-hours nightclub

without some hooch.

We're all going to jail! Where I
will totally snitch to survive!

None of you are safe! You all did it!

Look what you did! Geoff's a rat now!

This couldn't get any worse!

What the hell's going on here?

And yet it did! Aah!

You two are in big trouble!
Especially you!

Me? This was Barry's idea!

Who's Barry? I'm Barry Mexico.

You listened to this moron?

No, I gave you the keys.
You were responsible.

- Daddy...
- Don't you "Daddy" me.

I thought you'd grown up,
but I was wrong.

You're still the same moron
that I always thought you were.

To repair my bike and our relationship,

my mom turned to a pro.

Thank you for coming, Jonathan.

I couldn't think of another
person who could fix this.

Damn. I thought it was
gonna be a box of kittens,

but that's just a messed-up bike.

And you're going to fix it.

Since you stole it from me
after I stole it from Adam,

who later stole it from some nuns.

What an unlikely journey.

Sounds like Johnny's back
is against the wall.

Lucky for you, that's when I shine.

- Get me all your husband's tools.
- He has none.

Get me all your
neighbor's husband's tools.

And so Johnny got to work.

My mom hoped that all that
welding, whacking, fusing,

soldering, wrenching,
and different whacking

would restore my birthday
gift to its true Pee-wee form.

- What the [Bleep] is this?
- It didn't.

This came out way better
than I thought it would.

This was a big mistake.

The important thing is, I tried
my best and had a good time.

With that, my mom was out of options,

except, of course, taking it
to an actual repair shop.

Look what I got!

The bike is fixed,
and so is our relationship.

Yay! Everything's back
to the way it was.

No. It isn't.

My Pee-wee bike has been
completely rebuilt.

It's worthless.

Well, maybe to some collector.

But now you can actually ride it.

Why do you want me to ride it so bad?

Because it made me sad that you
don't play with your toys anymore.

They shouldn't be locked away.

You need to find your joy
for them again.

You mean play with them like a child?

- Mom, I'm not anymore.
- I know.

But you're growing up too fast.

- I mean, what is the hurry?
- Gah!

I get it! You never want me to grow up!

Fine. I'm struggling with the fact

that my youngest baby is becoming a man.

But it's also true

that being an adult is overrated.

It's full of responsibility
and stress and worry.

And you don't need that yet.

Mom, everyone goes through this.

I'm gonna be fine.

I know you will.

I just hope that no matter
how old you get,

there will always be a part
of you that's still playful.

Actually, before I crashed
into that truck,

it was pretty great riding this thing.

Well, there's no reason
you can't feel that way again.

Thanks, Mama.

You coming?

That's the thing about growing up...

It happens whether you're ready or not.

What's this?

I was here all night
cleaning up the mess I made.

Dad, I am so sorry.

I trashed your store, and, even
worse, I broke your trust.

That's not even what really bothers me.

I just liked spending time with you.
It was nice.

And I screwed it all up.

Things can be fixed.

Can they? Because I'd really like
to pay for everything I broke.

But, more importantly,
I'd like to fix us.

That might take some time.

I know.

But I have some.

Say, after class every day?

You still wanna work here?

If you still want me.

There are worse ways to spend my day.

Sometimes, parents
worry we're never gonna grow up

or that we're growing up way too fast.

But you can't just pump
the brakes on life.

So if you're willing to shift gears

and trust the people you love,

every day can be a big adventure.

Hi! Hee ha ahh!

My name is... Ahh! Adam Goldberg!

- Oh, my God. I can't take it anymore!
- Why?

Since Dad took away the car,
I have to ride the bus!

An old man showed me
the bruise on his back!

It was like looking at
the inside of a pomegranate.

- That can't be right.
- Ew!

What's not right is how much
cooking is done on there.

I saw a guy heating up a pot of eels.

- Eels?
- Eels!

And there's so much fighting!

An old woman clocked the bus driver

with a fraternity paddle!

Who gave that to her?

Barry, maybe you just need to walk.

Are you a crazy person?
My apartment's like a mile from here.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com