The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Geoff the Pleaser - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

there wasn't a Hollywood
awards show every week.

- There was just one.
- I loved it. The Oscars.

Atta boy, Rain Man!

Eighty-two toothpicks
and one shiny statuette!

Yes, Meryl.

Sophie might've had
a tough choice,

but the Academy sure didn't.

Robert De Niro!

More like Robert my hero.

I agree.
You rocked me, Amadeus.



Who the hell
are you talking to?

But as an aspiring
filmmaker and son of Beverly Goldberg,

there was another, lesser-known
awards show I was forced to endure.

And now, the mom-ent
we've all been waiting for,

the Acade-mom Award
for Best Picture.

I thought last year
was the end of this,

when I got my Lifetime
Achieve-mom Award.

Your whining is why the
ceremony always runs over.

And the Mom-inees are...

Inspector Fudge, a parody,
directed by Adam Goldberg.

We all knew he was
gonna find the fudge.

It's in his name!

The Partially Dressed Gun,

a parody of the parody
The Naked Gun,



directed by
Adam F. Goldberg.

I didn't care for that one.

'Cause you never saw
the source material!

Adam and Chad Throw Pies
at the Garage,

directed by
Adam F. Goldberg.

That one,
at least I understood.

And the Mommy goes to...

I'm nervous for you, kid.

Adam and Chad Throw Pies
at the Garage,

directed by
Adam F. Goldberg!

Get on up here, Adam!
It's a sweep!

Ah, fine.

Thank you for recognizing
a video I made

to kill three hours
over Labor Day weekend.

Is there anyone
you'd like to thank?

Uh... Thank you
to Mrs. Kremp

for letting us throw pies
at her garage.

And?
Thank you to my father

for buying me blank tapes
to film on.

And? Anyone
who inspired you?

All the other filmmakers
who came before me.

Surely,
there is someone

who always believed in you
and gave you life.

Just say the words, Adam.

Fine.

I'd also like
to thank my mother.

Oh! W-What?
Oh, my God!

That's my son!

I made him,
so I deserve this.

Um, my heart
is racing right now.

I promised I wouldn't cry,
but, uh...

You like me!
You really like me!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

*THE GOLDBERGS *
Season 07 Episode 13

*THE GOLDBERGS *
Episode Title: "Geoff the Pleaser"

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January
29th, 1980-something.

Barry and his friends were in
their first adult apartment.

Unfortunately, they weren't
adult enough to pay their bills.

- JTP.
- JTP.

Guys, I am so cold.

I don't think I can make it
another night here.

Also,
have you guys noticed

there's no water
coming out of the faucet?

Hilarious.

We're lovable screw-ups
you can't help rooting for.

Eh, I don't think
anyone would root for us

if they saw our bathroom.

It is rough sledding
in there.

I don't go in there anymore.

I signed up for a water
aerobics class at the Y

so I can get my body
in water once a week.

- Smart.
- And I use the

Wawa bathroom
down the street.

I don't want to be this guy,
but I'm worried about us.

Silence,
un-silent Matt Bradley!

I have an idea for how
to solve all our problems.

Why am I looking
at toweled morons?

Because our water's out,
so I told everyone

they could use our
free-flowing suburban water.

Well, here's the deal...
Get out!

I knew this would happen.

And yet you made us
bike across town in the snow

in only robes and towels?

To our frozen bikes.

I have another
surefire iffy idea.

Guess who's auditing
Art History. It's me.

Good for you, babe.
I didn't know you liked art history.

Me neither, but I was
aimlessly wandering the campus,

as I like to do
on Mondays and Fridays

and the other three
weekdays,

and I passed
this lecture hall...

And you got drawn in?

You're ahead of the story,
but yes.

Now the story's
caught up to you.

Well, I'm very happy
for you.

What the hell, JTP?

You're supposed to knock
so we can not answer.

- We need your shower.
- And your soap.

And your strawberry-scented
conditioner.

And a lift home.
I cannot ride that ice bike anymore.

No, no, and no, dorks.

Why don't you guys shower
at your place?

Because, Obvious Geoffrey, the
city stopped sending us water.

Did you try calling
so they'll resume service?

No, but in fairness,
there was no way to know

my more impractical ideas
wouldn't work.

Geoff, we need
your sick managerial skills.

Well, too bad, dips.

My worldly fella is too
busy auditing Art History.

Auditing?
Like, not for credit?

Then why do it?

Because
it's totally inspiring

to expand my horizons through
the pursuit of knowledge.

Since he can't come up
with a reason,

Geoff's gonna focus
on something

that actually does matter...

Our deeply concerning
living situation.

Like Geoff's
actually gonna...

What the hell, dude?

I have time
to help a little.

Smart choice, Geoff.

Now grab some rubber
gloves, knee pads,

sneakers you don't care
about, and a plunger.

First task is more
toilet-related than not.

While the JTP
was finally getting some help,

the AV Club was about to get
some very exciting news.

Listen up, AV scrubs.

Every club has to have
a faculty advisor.

Due to me losing 12 consecutive
rounds of rock-paper-scissors,

I'm yours.

Anyway, as I tend to see
things through a sports lens,

I've decided
that we're gonna have

a school-wide
movie championship.

You mean like
a film festival?

I've been begging for one
for years.

Count Johnny Atkins in.

Johnny Atkins?

Since when are you
in the AV Club?

Since they found asbestos
in the detention room.

Heh!

Question, Coach Advisor.

Is there
a format restriction?

8 millimeter?
16 millimeter?

Super 8? Super 16?

Super annoying question!

Make a movie!

Dealer's choice
on the format. Nice.

Just know I like movies
about sports, war,

and lost dogs
finding their way home.

Looks like
Banjo's Christmas Journey

just got greenlit.

What can we expect from our
big-time director over here?

My development slate
for next year is pretty full,

but I can fast-track
a festival darling.

He's totally insufferable.

That's how you know
he's the best.

Although, I might take
a quick do-si-do

outside my comfort zone.

I'll be working
in the new Super VHS.

But you'll need to buy
a new camera.

Silly Emmy.

I'm what you call
completely spoiled.

Yep, my mom
was always there

when I needed
or wanted something,

and fortunately,
we had a shorthand.

Hey, Mama...
From your tone,

I can tell
you're gonna need more

fancy and expensive
camera equipment.

From your tone, I'm getting
that you'll happily pay for it.

See, there's...
A film festival at school?

How exciting!
And I know...

Deep in your heart that I'm
gonna win because I'm, by far...

The most talented boy
in the world? Yes!

- Here. I'll give you a...
- Blank check so I can...

Go to the camera store
and get...

Whatever I need, no questions
asked, because you...

Love and believe in you
like...

No mom has ever loved
and believed in her son.

- Thanks...
- Mama. You're...

Welcome,
my sweet forever-baby.

Dude, a real relationship's gonna
be very hard for you one day.

Oh, he already has
a real relationship.

With me.

We had a ceremony and
everything when he was four.

Take this to the camera
store and spend hard.

While I was on my
way to get some new equipment,

the JTP had found
someone equipped to help.

Okay, so, I spent the
morning making some repairs.

I snaked the toilet...

There was a snake
stuck in there?

- Ohh!
- Awesome!

What a tale of survival.
Nature is amazing.

Not an actual snake.

And moving on.

I patched the walls, set up a
house account, and paid your bills.

Now all that's left
for you guys to do

is call the gas company
and set up an appointment

for them
to turn it back on.

Or you do it

and we'll watch so we'll know
how to do it next time.

I can't guarantee
I'm gonna watch.

I-It's a big hassle, and there's
often a lot of time on hold, so...

That's no way to sell us
on doing it, bro.

Geoffrey, as a "thank you"
for the tasks you've done

and the many that remain,

I'm gonna cede my title
as house manager to you.

No... The house manager
should be someone

who actually lives
in the house.

And plus,
I'm pretty busy now.

It's just,
I fear it won't get done

and Andy's little body
won't survive the winter.

Okay, fine!
I'll be your house manager!

Atta boy!
And take it from me,

it's a pretty cushy
position.

The other guys give you
hundreds of dollars every month.

Actually, Bar,
that's for rent.

Oh.
That makes more sense.

Too bad the taxidermist said
no refunds or exchanges.

You said
you found them!

No.
I said I posed them.

This is gonna be
a nightmare.

Yeah, it is.
Slap me some paw.

While Geoff was
realizing he was a pleaser,

I was beyond pleased
to be shopping

for cutting-edge
film technology,

the S-VHS camera.

Oh, my God.
It's glorious.

Totally.
But why, exactly?

According to people in the
know, it's slightly better.

You'll be paying
so much for so little.

I need it and don't care
what it costs my parents.

Excuse me? Sir?

Could you show me
this bad mamma-jamma?

Be prepared to have
your world nudged.

It was my former
rival, the other Adam Goldberg!

It's you!
Adam Goldberg!

I heard you went
to Hollywood.

Technically, I was living
in a town called Duarte,

but yeah,
I chased my dreams.

Word on the street is you had
a line on The Love Boat.

Yep. "Which one of you ladies
ordered the white wine?"

Also booked a rad McDLT spot, but...
Whatever.

You were the dude
who suggests

they keep the hot side hot
and the cool side cool.

So, what are you
doing back here?

Reevaluating.

It's rough out there, man.

My McDLT spot
was seven months ago.

Since then,
I haven't exactly been

on the hot side
of the burger box.

But you're crazy talented.

I had big dreams,
but the streets of Hollywood

are littered
with guys like me.

And actual litter.
Place is filthy.

No offense, but...
I'll probably make it, right?

You may be the best filmmaker
in your dinky school,

but you'd be a dime
a dozen out there.

Goldberg!

Stop crushing customers' dreams
and get on that rickety ladder

and pull down
one of the heavy TVs.

Enjoy making your little
high school movie, kid.

It's only downhill
from here.

Did you buy your recklessly
expensive camera, Schmoo?

Actually, I've decided
to give up filmmaking forever.

What?

But that's
your life's ambition.

Eh. Maybe I'll be a lawyer.

Or a CPA.

I don't know...
Bricklayer.

Is that a real thing?

Manual labor?

Look at me.
Look at me.

Who did this to you?
Nobody did anything.

I just bumped into
the other Adam Goldberg

working
at the camera place.

Oh, feh on him!
What does he know?

Only everything.

He was the most talented person
to ever go to our school,

and now he's back here,
selling cameras.

If he can't do it,
I never will.

Here's your check back,
Mom.

This isn't over,
is it?

- Nope.
- You're gonna go destroy that poor

other Adam Goldberg,
aren't you?

Damn right I am.

Why do I bother asking?

I know all the answers.

After realizing
he was too much of a pleaser,

Geoff sought help
from the one person

who never
pleased anyone at all.

Why are you
in front of the TV, Schwartz?

It's a quarter
to Remington Steele.

Mr. G, I-I'm worried
I'm a pleaser.

Well, you're not
pleasing me right now.

Everyone always wants me
to do stuff for them,

and I don't know
how to say no.

Y-You never do
anything for anyone.

It's easy. Lump.

As in just sit there
and never move?

Definitely.

But also L-U-M-P.

It's my secret for not doing
anything for anyone.

You're a lazy monster,
and that's what I need.

Please, let me learn
at your idle feet.

Okay, first up is I.

Lower expectations.

It's something
I've perfected over time.

Dad, can you quiz me with
these science flash cards?

Ah, who am I kidding?

In all my years, you've never
shown interest in my education.

He thinks
you're a worthless dad.

That took
a lot of not doing.

Next up is U.

When there's no way
out of something, underwhelm.

This is
how you wash a dish?

Okay, no more
washing dishes for you!

You did a horrible job,
and now she'll never ask you again.

I'm the worst.

Next up is M,

which stands for "mumble"
and "moron."

Hey, Dad, can you show me how
to change the oil in my car?

What does that even mean?

Leave me alone, ya moron! Pbht!

So brilliant!
So, what's P?

It's the thing
I'm most proud of.

- Pants.
- Pants?

Why do you think I come in the
house and take off my pants?

I assumed
it had to do with comfort

and generally
just giving up.

Yes, but also,

who's the least likely person
to be asked to do anything?

Oh, my God.
The guy with no pants.

Hey, Mur, could you give me
a ride to the pharmacy...

Oh, he's not even
wearing pants.

I'll bus it.

My God. You have
given me such a gift!

It's my life's work.
Don't waste it.

Get out there and do
as little as you can.

I'm gonna do nothing
and make you proud.

With my dad's advice,

Geoff was ready
to be a lump of his own.

Hey, Geoff, could you run to the
mailroom and get my mail for me?

He lowered expectations.

Erica, when have I ever done
stuff like that for you?

Only all the time.

Yeah, well, not in the last two
minutes, so stop expecting it.

He underwhelmed.

Geoff, you said

you were going to make
a chore wheel for our house.

Oh, right, right.

Here you go.

Yeah, this seems
less like a chore wheel

and more like a napkin with
the words "Andy" and "mop."

That's how Geoff do?

Unacceptable, Geoff!

Your chore-wheel-making
privileges are revoked.

And you need to come over.

Our clean-up skills
are not strong.

I spilled
a lot of Kool-Aid.

Whatever you picture
a lot is, like, way more.

He mumbled
and he moron-ed.

What?

And also leave me alone,
morons!

Super un-Geoff
of you, man.

Are you going to
get my mail or not?

Finally, it was time
for the pants.

Oh. It's about time
he's swinging into action.

- What?
- No!

Bad Geoff!
He's not wearing pants.

Dude's clearly
not going anywhere.

Okay, let's go, guys.
Maybe there's

a panted savior
that can help us.

Holy crap.

My pants are on the floor,
and my spirits are through the roof.

While Geoff
was trying to be like my dad,

my mom was busy being...
Well, like my mom.

Can I answer any questions
for you, ma'am?

Oh, just one.

Uh, who the ****
do you think you are?

Whoa! This is a family-friendly
audio-video store.

Except for that section
over behind the saloon doors.

You spoke to my son,
also Adam Goldberg,

and snuffed out his
perfect little-boy dreams.

Look, lady,
I just call 'em like I see 'em.

It's tough to make it
in the movies.

Oh, for you, maybe.

But not for my little
Stanley Schmoo-brick.

Well, that gives me a sense
of what I'm dealing with here.

Next time, I won't burst the
little bubble you keep him in.

No next time.
This time.

You are gonna fix this.

- And how am I gonna do that?
- Simple.

I'm casting you
in the role of a lifetime,

as "guy who gets
his big break."

Sorry, but I kinda
put acting on hold.

Well, take it off hold.
The pay's $50.

Well,
I suppose I could throw in,

uh, me not coming
down here every day

and making
your life miserable.

All right,
I'm on the project.

Now that
my mom had her cast,

all that remained
was the performance.

Hello and welcome.

Hey, Adam, did you leave
this Philadelphia Inquirer

Metro section
at the store the other day?

- Nope. Sorry.
- Huh.

Well, I better figure out
whose it is soon,

'cause I gotta catch a flight
to Hollywood, California,

moviemaking capital
of the world.

But I thought you were
reevaluating your career choice.

I was, but then I got
some amazing news.

See, my, uh,
ex-roommate's cousin's neighbor

is friends with Brian De
Palma's agent's assistant,

and slipped him
my McDLT commercial.

- Ooh. Seriously?
- Hm-Mmm.

But, wait, there's more.
I'd imagine.

The assistant got it
to the agent,

who got it to De Palma,
who liked what he saw

and cast me in his new
Molly Ringwald picture.

Holy balls!

America's angsty
ginger princess!

And I bet that could lead
to other things.

No truer words
have ever been spoken.

Well, good luck on one of the easiest
careers you could ever choose.

And, uh, call me.
We'll split a salad at Spago.

Doesn't sound like enough
food, but I'm in!

Oh, wow!

I mean, just, wow.

If something so random and
amazing could happen to him,

I bet there's hope
for you, too, huh?

You know it!
I'm back in the festival.

See ya, babe.
Have your people call my people.

While my movie
dreams were back on track,

the JTP was trying to keep the
train from derailing without Geoff.

So... Cold!

Whose turn is it
to sweep?

I don't know, but according
to Geoff's chore napkin,

it's Andy's turn
to mop again.

Come on!
I'm never not mopping!

Get me the phone.
I'm calling Geoff.

Sorry, Tasty,
but our phone's out, too.

Oh, no!

It's getting harder and harder
to root for us.

Uh, did anyone else hear
what sounds like

the bursting of old metal
followed by rushing water?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Geoff had sent
a clear message

that he was no longer
helping anyone,

but that message
hadn't gotten through.

In Egypt,
a great deal of art was created

- to honor the pharaoh.
- Psst! Geoff!

Did you buy
peanut butter?

What?
I'm in class.

Yeah, but just, like,
a quick yes or no,

'cause I'm walking past the Wawa
and I got chunky on the mind.

Yes.

Okay, great.

Wait, yes, you bought it
or yes, we need it?

Yes, we have
stupid peanut butter!

Don't mind me.

Just a PB emergency.

Go back to your
super important art talk.

Geoffrey Antoinette
Schwartz!

Oh, God.
Dumbwads, he is in class!

Your stupid thing
can wait.

What kind of jam
do I like?

Yeah,
but it's super urgent.

There's water everywhere,
and we don't know what to do!

And you are
the house manager.

Oh, my God! Enough!

I am so sorry, Professor.

My girlfriend and friends can't
stop taking advantage of me.

We're not taking
advantage of you.

You just are really good
at doing things.

No! You're all just too lazy and
selfish to do anything on your own!

And it was bad enough
when I had nothing going on,

but now I found something
I actually like,

and you ruined it for me,
so thanks a lot.

Pfft.

Antoinette?
That sounds wrong, bro.

Now that I say it out loud,
it might be Todd.

While Geoff had
finally reached his breaking point,

I was back in pursuit
of my big break.

One brand-new
S-VHS camera, please.

Wait. I thought
you went back to L.A.

Yeah, that's, uh...
That's next week.

So, you gonna quit
this job?

- What? You're quitting, Goldberg?
- No!

But how can you have a Hollywood
career and still work here?

I'll commute
to both things.

I mean,
the studio has a jet.

It's in my deal I can still
sell cameras and whatnot.

That makes no sense.
What's going on?

Well...

You paid him
to lie to me?

Here's the truth...

Absolutely not.

Just tell the boy.

Here's the truth...

100% yes.

What the hell, lady?

You stopped believing
in yourself.

I had to do something.

Don't you get it?

If he can't make it
in Hollywood,

I don't have a prayer.

And no lies
are gonna change that.

I'm done.

I had given up
on filmmaking for good

and dropped out
of the festival,

which is probably why
this happened.

Looks like we got
a new movie champ.

You left it all
on the screen, Atkins.

Ha! Looks like I'm the school
movie nerd now, Goldnerd.

Oh, no. I'm a nerd.

The ultimate twist.

And that concludes the last
annual WPA Movie Championship.

Actually...
I have one more entrant.

Oh, no! No way!
You've done enough!

Sorry, clock ran out.

That's what
next season's for.

Oh, I don't care.
The dumb festival can be over.

This is just for my son.

May I?

Do what you gotta do.

In that moment,
my mom did something

I never could have
imagined.

Stop videotaping!

She gave me a highlight
reel of every movie I'd ever made.

That's the end of you,
Optimus!

I literally cannot die!

Bow before Princess Leia!
Never!

Death grip!

I'm your father!

No. That's not true!

Maybe they weren't
all award-winners,

but thanks to her,
I realized making movies

wasn't about succeeding
in Hollywood.

It was about creating
something special

with the people I loved.

And if I could do that
for the rest of my life,

I'd be living the dream.

No!

This is amazing.

It's all you.

Schmoo, I'm sorry I
shielded you from the truth.

These movies remind me that
you are joyful and creative

and one of a kind.

And if you never
give up...

...I just know
you're gonna make it.

Just then, I realized
there are worse things in the world

than someone
who thinks you're the best.

What's going on?

I got your message
about an emergency.

It's a friend emergency.
And boyfriend.

Oh, my God. Did someone break
in here and clean the place?

No. You were right.

We were being lazy
and selfish.

Look.

♪ Just a little more
time is all... ♪

Chore wheel.

Also, we realized we've
been pretty rotten to you,

and we want
to make it right.

A Penn college
course guide?

We know how much you
loved auditing that class.

You should do more of it.

Yeah. You've always
been there to support us.

Now it's time for us to
support you for a change.

Guys, thanks.
This is amazing.

No, Geoff.
You're amazing.

Sometimes, we end up
taking advantage of the people we love,

or even people
we barely know.

♪ ..show you how... ♪

Hey.

Come to cast me in more
of your family drama?

I'm actually here
to say thank you.

For what?

I was looking at it
all wrong.

I let your story
intimidate me

when I should've been
inspired by it.

You're proof that guys like us
from dinky Jenkintown

can make it.

I'd hardly say
I made it.

But you're gonna.

With your skills?

You were pretty
convincing as

"guy who just got
a big break."

Did you notice that thing where I shook
my head like I still couldn't believe it?

I believed that
you couldn't believe it.

You know what?

Maybe I will give it
another shot.

You better.
And who knows?

Maybe Hollywood's big enough
for two Adam Goldbergs.

♪ To never surrender ♪

But no matter
how far over the line we go,

the people we care about
will always welcome us back.

So, what are you
thinking?

Well, this year,
I followed the Dead,

I started
a failed business,

and I did
a whole lot of nothing.

I think it's time
I actually apply to college.

For real?

For real.

And whether it's
the big moments of our lives

or just the decisions
that lead to those moments,

as long as you have people
who love and support you,

there's a good change
your dreams will come true.

♪ To never surrender ♪

♪ To never surrender ♪

Sync & corrections by srjanapala

But this would
be the start of more.

A lot more.

It was a phone call for me.

The first phone call
all summer,

because phones were new.

Okay, today, I'm gonna
walk you through my process

with a little
director's commentary.

I'm Banjo the Dog.
Arf!

And I've gotta find my way
home before Christmas!

Here's
an interesting tidbit...

That's my voice,
not a dog's.

Movie magic.
Am I right?

These woods look familiar.

I think I'm getting
closer to home.

Keep going, Banjo!

You're almost there!

I made it! That was ruff!

Fun fact...
Banjo's real name is Jimbo.

Yeah! Ha! Ah!