The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - Vacation - full transcript

Beverly insists the family take a road trip to go on vacation to Disneyland before Erica and Barry go off to college; Erica worries about her relationship with Geoff when he tells her they need to talk.

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Back in The 80's,
National Anthem Vacation

was the best road-trip comedy ever.

Yep, the Griswold family
tore across America,

and no one loved it more than my mom.

Yes! This movie has
everything I love and deserve!

So pack your bags so I can unpack them

and then repack them again properly

because the Goldbergs
are going on vacation!

I don't know, Mom.

That family's trip seemed
super stressful and difficult.

And they like each other.

But we have one week left

before Barry and Erica
jet off to college.

It's 10 minutes away.

On nice days, I might walk.

And Adam's starting life as
a high-school upperclassman.

Now when the juniors throw food at me...

They'll be my peers.

- Such a dork.
- You shame us daily.

So we're gonna take one last
unforgettable family vacation

before everybody starts the
next big chapter in their lives!

What do you say?

We love you, but pass.

You're gonna pass on
a trip to Disneyland?

- Oh, balls!
- I love you now!

Ah, that's right! Embrace your mama!

Star Wars just opened a ride there!

It's called "Star Tours"!

You get to travel to
the forest moon of Endor!

Well, I "Endor" you. Boop!

Even you can't ruin this.

Star Wars teaming up with
Disney is just so big!

Sure, I wish they'd dedicate
a whole land to Star Wars,

but that's just a little boy's dream!


Wanna give mama a huggy 'cause
she's the best in the game?

I'm not going to Disneyland!

I'm a grown adult man
who will be starting

a fully accredited university in a week.

But you love that Snow White.

You've had a crush on
her since you could talk.

Which was late for your age.

But still.

Sure, Ms. White has pretty hair

and she's patient with those dwarves

in a way you know you'd
just vibe with her,

but not at all!

Who cares!

I can't believe we're
flying to California!

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

That won't give me enough time

squished together with my squishies.

We're driving!

To the airport and then we're flying?

When will I learn not to hug

until I hear all of the details?

It'll be just like the Griswolds.
We're gonna see America!

This America? I've seen it.

It's all corn.

Look, I just finished following the
Grateful Dead in a van with Geoff.

- I'm not going back out there.
- Me neither!

If you don't, I won't pay for college.

Yay, everyone's in!

What's all the noise?

I can barely hear myself
eat my creme cookies.

We're driving to Disneyland!

I get the feeling I
don't have a say in this.

Hmm, I get that feeling, too! Yay!

Why did I come in here?

And I got a Polaroid

so I can take a photo diary of our trip!

Come on, squeeze together.

I don't want to be near your dad.

He smells like coffee and onions.

Squeeze in. You ain't exactly
cinnamon and sugar, sweetheart.

I don't know where my body
ends and Adam's begins.

This trip is already the worst
thing that's ever happened to me!

Just take the damn picture!

It was the last week of
summer, 1980-something,

and the Goldbergs were
about to hit the road.

Of course that meant my dad
was excited about one thing,

saving money.

Lose the bathrobe.

It's a traditional Jedi
cloak revered the galaxy over.

Well, I'd revere a
tank top if I were you,

because I'm not using
the air conditioning.

You're not cheaping out
on this trip, Murray.

We have to make it perfect

so that no matter how old they get

or where they are in the world,

they'll want to do
this for years to come.

An annual trip?

I was just sitting, enjoying my cookies.

Now our financial future is in doubt?

Good news, everyone!

I'm bringing my banjo.

- No.
- Roger that.

Attention, uneducated masses!

As you all know,

I'll be attending college in a week,

so I need to be in tip-top shape...

Mind and body.

Is that why you're holding

your mom's titanium leg pretzel?

This thigh-blasting machine

is my ticket to physical dominance.

Just do your dumb thing in the car.

Where's your sister?
We got to get going.

Saying goodbye to her boyfriend.

You really don't want to come

and be jammed in a station
wagon with my family for a week?

And I answered my own question.

Look, I'll be on the road, too.

The Dead have four more
concerts left this summer.

I'm hoping by the last
one, I finally like them.

Erica! Let's go!


One more thing, we need to talk.

Oh? What is it?


Gas is burning!

You know what? It's nothing.

It... It can wait until after your trip.

I don't want to spoil it.

I better get moving, too. B-bye!


We're doing it!

The Goldbergs are going on vacation!

We couldn't even leave!

But eventually we did.

And once we hit the highway,
it was smooth sailing.

Of course, there were
some bumps inside the car.

Gah! You keep smashing into me! Stop it!

No can do, Ad-Rock.

And be warned, as my
muscles grow, expand,

and explode outward,
I'll need more space.

Why do I always have
to sit in the middle?

'Cause windows are for college men,

not high school losers!

Yeah, you keep calling
yourself a college man,

but come next week, you're
in for a rude awakening.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you might be in college,

but you're just gonna
be a lowly freshman,

totally starting from scratch socially.

Have you not seen the work
I've been doing on my thighs?

College is gonna love me.

Or the safety of the
only world you've known

will have vanished,

and you'll discover
that there's no place

for an emotionally out-of-control
doof with a thigh device.

What? I am not an emotionally
out-of-control doof!

You are!

Adam, quit working your brother up.

He's gonna strain his groin.

Erica, switch seats with me, please.

Hey, if a guy says he
needs to talk, is that bad?

Ooh. Is that a good "ooh"?

Uh. Is that a good "uh"?

You and Geoff are toast!

And not good toast with
tons of marmalade and butter.

Bad toast that's burnt
and breaking up with you.

He's not breaking up with me!

He just got real serious,

and then said he didn't
want to ruin my vacation

by telling me something
and sped off and...

Oh, my God, Geoff's breaking up with me!

You should call him.

How? He's on the road, too!

I guess you just won't know for a week.

But hey, look on the bright side...

Star Wars.

Yeah, that sounds fun

and so much more important
than my relationship!

You know what's fun?

A sing-along!

Oh, come on!

I'll start us all off.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

Jump in!

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

♪ Life is but a dream

Anyone now!

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

There's your cue!

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

♪ Life is but a dream

Make it yours.

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

Just the girls!

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

♪ Life is
but a dre-e-e-am

That was great!

Yep, our vacation
was off to a slow start.

But somewhere along the open road,

things were about to
kick into high gear.

What the hell is this nut job doing?

Hey! Go around!

I think she's flirting with you, Murray.

Whoa, it's just like in the movie!

But when you see it in real life,

it just comes off as wildly reckless!

You're being very aggressive!

He's spoken for!

Show her your wedding ring!

I think she's eyeballing me.

Move your melon, Murray,

so I can enchant her with a coy wink.

This can't be real.

Oh, it's real, all right.

My fruit guy's nephew was
seduced by a road hussy

and he woke up in a bathtub

missing his kidney,
spleen, corneas, and rectum.

There are road hussies?

Geoff's on the road!

And single.

We don't know that!

As Pops' blonde beauty sped away,

we headed towards our first pit stop,

the Old West.

See, back in 1980-something,
it was 1880-something.

Would you look at this place?

It's like stepping back in time!

The hotel room prices
are certainly up-to-date.

Howdy, folks.

Welcome to Durango
Gulch, population 237.


Looks like 236.

Funny stuff, Quick Draw McGraw.

But, um, where's the pay phones?

It's the 19th century, ma'am.

I don't reckon to know what hifalutin
contraption you're speaking about.

Okay, so you're just
gonna keep doing the thing?

Great. I'll be in the saloon.

Ooh, looks like we
got a real cowboy here.

You just step off the trail, pardner?

I'm walking like this
because I blasted my thighs

with unbridled intensity for 300 miles.

How would you two little wranglers

like to be my deputies?

"Little wrangler"?

I'm a man who could grow
twice the mustache you have

except then you'd be humiliated,

and I'd become sheriff,

and I don't want that responsibility.

Ohh... Ow, ow. Ohh.

Not cool, man! Not cool!

Yeah, I don't think he totally
gets what this place is.

There's no way he's breaking up with me.

I mean, look at me. I'm a catch.

I guess I am a little bossy,

but what man doesn't like that?

Damn it! He's so leaving me!

Love isn't real!

Neither is your ID.

Oh, sure, you don't have phones,

but you check my fake driver's license?

Pick a century!

Yo, wanna go ride a
dead-eyed mule in a circle?

It's super sad!

No! I'm not going on some dumb
kid's ride. Just leave me alone.

Are you really still upset
that I accurately suggested

you're not ready for the
next major step in your life?

Please, your devastating
words had no effect on me.

I know I'm a man!

Oh, no!

Bandits have surrounded the stagecoach!

And I'm gonna prove it!

Is there one man brave enough

to stop these banditos
with this here lasso?

I am that one man, Fake Sheriff.

You know your way around a rope, son?

Of course I know ropes.

I've played tug-of-war
and the board game Clue...

But we lost that piece,
so we use an old checker.

Now just swing this thing
in a slow circular pattern.




Yah! Yah!

Is that one of those
cheap plate-glass windows

that cowboys are
always crashing through?

It is not.


I mean, who gets kicked out
of an imaginary Western town?

Those rooms were non-refundable!

Well, this is just perfect.

Where are we supposed to stay tonight?

Don't you worry about me.

Hey, Al. Ready to go?

You know it, sweetie.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

You know, you're welcome to stay.

I'm being polite. Punch it!


We're still together mostly.

Don't worry, I've already thought of

a cheap, available
place for us to sleep.

That night, our
hotel didn't have four stars.

It had four wheels.

Stop fluffing me, I'm not a pillow!

Then get softer!

Will you two dopes shut up?

My God, this trip sucks.

At least it's the last one
we'll ever take together.

Until Mom forces us to do
this all again next year.

Dummy, we're going off to college.

We're not doing this again. Ever.

Yeah, we're not just moving out.

We're moving on for good.

In that moment,
I realized our family

was truly going their separate ways.

No more crazy adventures
with my brother or sister.

And no more middle seat.

I'm okay with it.

But there was one person who
would never be okay with it.

Our family vacation was
still on truck for Disneyland,

but my mom's mind was
on a different path.

Murray, the kids aren't
gonna go away to college

- and never come back, right?
- I dunno.

Sure they're growing
up, but they love us

- and want to stay in our lives forever!
- I dunno.

My children will spend
every summer with me

until the day I die!

And even then, they're
gonna carry my urn

on every vacation they ever take.

- Of course!
- Well, you're finally agreeing with me?

Of course they're
screwing me at the pump!

$9 to fill up a tank?

Our babies are choosing to
de-latch from our collective bosom

and all you care about is gas mileage!

What do you want from me?

I don't know what those
morons are gonna do.

But I do know they're here now,

so let's, uh, drive
around or, uh, whatever.

That's right!

They're with us now!

So if we make this trip extra special,

they're gonna want
to come back for more!

Yeah, I dunno.

As my mom was trying
to keep her family together,

my sister was trying to keep her
relationship from falling apart.

Hey, Geoff, it's Erica.

Just checking in to see what
you meant by, "We need to talk."

Probably just wanted to
say how we have no problems

and we're a perfect couple.

Okay, well, have fun on the road, bye!

Unfortunately, she couldn't
leave just one message.

Here's what "We need
to talk" means to me.

It means we have a problem.

So is... Is it me?

You're the problem, Geoff!

Maybe I don't want you!

Come back to me, my widdle Geoffy-weffy.

You're a butt!

And not just the tiny part of the butt,

but the whole mound.

The cheeks, the smelly
region, all of it.

Okey-doke. I think I got it.

Thanks, Dr. Schwartz.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Geoffrey called and passed
on a message of his own.

What did he say?

He said he needs to tell you in person,

but it's big and possibly upsetting.

That doesn't help at all. It
just makes everything worse!

Sure thing, honey. Bye now.

Why didn't you get a slushie?

They had your favorite... Blue.

Real men don't drink
that delicious crap.

They drink boiling-hot coffee.

But you hate coffee.

That was Yesterday Barry.

But now my taste buds and
skittish tummy have matured.

How could you put this in your body?


I love it.

Okay, Bar, clearly I freaked
you out about starting college...

I'm not freaked out!

If anything, I'm freaked in!

- That doesn't mean anything.
- You don't mean anything!

You're a tiny boy who
doesn't know the struggles

of a fully grown college gentleman!

Hot! Hot!

This is hard to watch.

But the good news is we'll
be in Anaheim in two days.

Change of plans!

I've got a surefire way to make
sure everybody loves this vacation...

Make it way longer!

Oh, balls.

We are gonna hit every major
attraction from here to California.

But that'll take forever.

What about my "Star Tours" ride?

Schmoopie, it's about the
journey, not the destination.

Ha! You have to appreciate the journey!

Ah, see? Barry's excited! Who else?

Might as well, my
relationship is probably over.

See? Another one of my
babies didn't say no!


I don't care what we
do, as long as it's free.

Ah! See?

Everyone's in and happy
and we're making memories,

and this is gonna be the
best Goldbergs vacation ever!

Say, "Cheese"!

And so we saw America.

In all its weird and magnificent glory.

There were sculptures made of cars,

mountains made of faces,

one big hole.

But what took our breath away the most

was the crappy motel our
dad insisted staying at.

This is the kind of motel
where people live full-time.

Uh, it's gross.

It's cozy.

There's police tape around the pool.

That shows the police have
already been here. So it's safe.

Look! They got one of those
Magic Fingers bed massagers.


Nobody touch anything

until I hit it with
some Lysol Pine action.

I'm turning it on!

My thighs and tummy
muscles are still sore!

Let's soothe my aching bones!

Lemme turn it down.

Damn it, moron!

They don't have any more rooms!

What do you do with these things?

I've got a super fun idea
that solves everything!

Who can sleep like this?

Yeah, we barely
slept a wink that night.

And we were so exhausted
the next morning,

everyone passed out in the car.

And I mean everyone.

Do you think this will
affect our time at Disneyland?

Barry, this is all your fault!

You and your stupid bed massager.

I know! I'm not a man!

I'm starting college, but the
truth is I still feel like a boy.

Like sad, pathetic little Adam here.


Will you shut up?

I mean, look at this!

Now I'll never get to a
phone and learn the truth

that I definitely don't wanna know!

My God!

You're both just selfish jerks!

You know, I actually thought

I was gonna miss you next
year, but good riddance!


Tell me the truth...

Are you all gonna head out the door
for college and never look back?

I see.

Every one of these
pictures breaks my heart.

You all look sad or angry or miserable.

And that is not what I wanted.

Bevy... No!

Let's just go home and be done with it.

I can't take another
day of family vacation

if this is the last
one I'm ever gonna have.

Our car and our Mom were broken,

and all we wanted was to go home.

I thought we had more
suitcases than this.

We did.

At least this horrible trip is over.

But it wasn't. Not for my dad.

He was about to head down
a road we never expected.

You know what I think?

I think you're all [BLEEP] in the head.

- Whoa!
- Motel language!

You're just gonna give up?

- Yeah.
- Kinda.

Do we have a choice?

Your mom worked her ass off
to plan you a great vacation,

and I didn't know why.

But, damn it, I do now.

Murray, what are you saying?

I'm not sure about the future,

but right here, right now,

there's no amount of
money I wouldn't spend

for my family to have a great vacation.

Dad's suddenly thoughtful!

He must've banged his
head in the accident!

Are you serious?

To keep this family together,

I would spend every last penny.

Hey, Goldbergs, need a lift?

Thank God! Everybody get in! Come on!

Geoff! How did you find us?

Well, you left my dad a lot
of very upsetting messages,

so I drove here as fast as I could.

I followed your suitcases
like bread crumbs!

So, what did you want
to talk to me about?


I had such an amazing time
doing nothing this summer,

that I want it to continue.

I'm not going to school in the fall.

Oh, my God! That's it?

Well, yeah. I mean,
it's a pretty big deal.

My dad's not thrilled.

And your messages didn't exactly

fill him with hope for my future.

You jerk! I thought you
were breaking up with me!

What? Never.

You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

I never doubted it.

Turns out some
trips are about finding your way,

and not losing track
of where you're headed.

- Hey, Bar. About what I said.
- No, you were right.

I'm not ready for college.

Of course you are.

You're Big Tasty.

You attack everything you do
with the full force of your being.

Trust me, college is gonna
be a piece of cake for you.

You really think so?

I know so.

Thanks, Ad-Rock.

Venturing out can be scary,

but it's easier to take that trek

when you're riding with
the people you love.

Family vacations are hard.

They're stressful and expensive,

and uncomfortable.

But the thing that makes them great

are the memories of
doing it all together.

We're really here.

Thank you, Mama.

Anything for you, schmoo.

Maybe next year we can
go to Walt Disney World.

That sounds pretty cool.

Yeah, I guess I'd try it.

Wait... You guys would
wanna do this again?

I'm open to it.

Ah! My schmoopies will
be with me forever!

Are we too late?

- We got lost.
- Intentionally.

Just in time, Pops!
We're running for it!

Oh, sorry, park's closed.

What? Oh, no! Someone do something!

I'm here!

Don't worry, schmoo. Mama's got this.

In that moment,

Beverly Goldberg did
what she did best...

She lied her ass off.

She told elaborate, far-fetched
tales of our journey.

Apparently, we were
attacked by bald eagles

and a motorcycle gang?

There was a tornado, and then a tsunami.

And then another tornado.

She wove a tapestry of lies
so intricate, so beautiful,

by the end, none of
us knew what was real.

...and that is when little Adam

had to help his grandpa
by sucking out the venom.

Wow, you guys have been
through a whole lot as a family.

And you know what? I had no idea
there were zebras in Arizona.

Zebras are the piranhas of the sand.

Well, you know what? All I
meant was the park is closed now.

But it opens in 15 minutes.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, I tried, but you
were going on and on and on.

But go on in! Come on,
the park's all yours!

Rusty, you're the best!

Let's do it, Adam! Let's
go ride "Star Tours"!

No, no!

I think I know something that would
be more fun for the whole family.

We finally made it
to the happiest place on Earth.

And as magical as it
was, thanks to my mom,

I realized the best part
of the Goldberg vacation

was the journey.

To this day, we still
travel as a family.

Of course, it never gets easier,

but I wouldn't trade it for the world.



Wakey, Wakey.

Get out. I was just dreaming on

scoring a touchdown for the Eagles!

But I brought you breakfast.

Well, finally! I've been trying to

take my meals in my room for years.

Give me! This is awhole lot of liquids.

Oh, No! Adam, stop! I shouldn't

have stold it from the hotel!

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you!