The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - Fiddler - full transcript

Murray becomes an overzealous stage parent when he learns Adam has no interest in the school production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Meanwhile, Beverly can't seem to keep from interfering with Erica's latest career plan.

ADAM: Back in the '80s, I was
obsessed with musical theater.

From Jesus Christ Superstar
to Phantom of the Opera,

I loved the stage, at
least most of the time.

People, the moment has arrived.

My dearest theater students and kids
who do stage crew for some reason.

- I work best in the shadows.
- No one cares, Dan.

This year, William Penn
Academy will be performing

the most important
musical of our time.

Fiddler on the Roof!

- Oh, yes!
- Yes!

- Meh.
- "Meh"?

Since when does Adam
Goldberg "meh" a musical?

Fiddler's just so heavy
and dreary and Russian.

I'm more into the happy
toe-tapping musicals

like Music Man or
Pippin, or not Fiddler.

So you're not gonna even audition?
I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye.

They're the power
couple of peasant Russia.

Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.

Sorry, girl. As long as
it's Fiddler, I ain't doing it.

You're doing it.

But you hate musicals with
every fiber of your being.

Of course.

They're long and boring,

and they're about cats
or painting wagons.

But Fiddler on the
Roof? The best.

It reminds me of Pops' sad relatives
who visit us from the old country.

Their clothes are all
schmutzy and smell like turnips.

Adam, you have to do this play.

Our people have a few
special things we're all proud of.

Sandy Koufax, The
Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr.,

and Fiddler on the Roof.

Gah! Fine. I'll audition
to be in the chorus.

Absolutely not.

In my house, it's
Tevye or nothing.

- I don't wanna be the lead.
- You're gonna be Tevye, damn it.

Now, put on my grandfather's
old Russian coat and sing.

It's so heavy.

Like the weight of a man
with too many daughters.

How do I already smell? How?

That's the smell of greatness.
Now, show me your shimmy.

- I don't wanna shimmy.
- Shimmy for your father, damn it.

Like this. It's in our
blood and our shoulders.


If that's how you shimmy, damn it,
we gotta go back to fundamentals.

Put your game face on. Do it!

Stop riding my back,
man! I'm doing my best.

Stop. What's going on in here?

Not now, Barry.

Adam's form is all off. I gotta
coach some sense into the kid.

Sounds to me like a
father demanding perfection

and telling his son
he's not good enough.

That's exactly what's happening.

- Damn it, I want that.
- Why?

Because it's my dream
to have a sports dad

who spazzes out and calls me a
lazy failure who needs to play harder.

Great, he's yours.

Oh, no. If we're gonna win this
part, we gotta buckle down and dig in.

Fine, forget sports.

- Whatever your dumb thing is, I'll do it.
- It's Fiddler on the Roof.

Great. I'll go on the
roof now with a fiddle.

- You don't even have one.
- I'm gonna bongo. Where's the ladder?

- Do not get the ladder.
- Ladder it is.

Do not go in that garage and
touch my ladder, moron. I mean it!

Too late, theater-sports Dad. I'll
send a rope down for my bongos.


♪ I'm twisted up inside But
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADAM: It was November
1st, 1980-something,

and my mom and sister were
helping Geoff prep for his SATs.

I failed, didn't I? I'm
not going to college.

I'll live under a bridge and
use the wall as a bathroom.

I am here for you, no matter
how dumb the test says you are.

BEVERLY: Okay, let's see.

You got...


Babe, I am so... Wait, what?

Fifteen-forty. Holy poop!

"Holy poop" is right.

I can go to college
now. And a wide variety.

Yes, wow, that's like
a super-good score.

It must be wrong.
How is that possible?

I get straight A's, and
I study all the time.

- Did you not know I was smart?
- No.

You talk about homework a lot,
but all I see is your cute dumb face.

Oh, young Geoffrey, your
mother is going to plotz.

Aside from grandchildren,

braggable SAT scores are
the greatest gift a child can give.

I know. I can for
sure go to UCLA now.

Wait, but that UC is in L.A.
And L.A. stands for Los Angeles.

It's where my dad went, and
doing what other people want

makes me happy
because I'm a pleaser.

Bye, babe, love you.

Fifteen-forty. Holy ♪♪♪♪.

I can't believe this.

That goof-ass genius will
leave Philly and never look back.

Can you blame him?

Everybody in L.A. eats sushi
and has hair just like their dog.

And the cops are so nice
they can't solve crimes,

so Axel Foley helps them.

- That's all from Beverly Hills Cop.
- Such a good movie.

It has my name, and that Axel
Foley has an infectious giggle.


Stop talking about Axel
Foley. I won't let Geoff go to L.A.

Oh, squishy... Some things
are just out of your control.

Not if I make sure
he tanks those SATs.

Shame on you for even
thinking such a thing.

If it's one rule I live by, you
can't smother your loved ones.

Um, hello? Remember, I wanted
to apply to college in California?

You tried to sabotage my SATs by
teaching me fake vocabulary words.

I swear on my life,

nothing like that has
even remotely happened.

I came up with more vocab
cards for you to memorize.

Thanks, Mom. "Scubulence."

ADAM: My mom taught Erica these
absurd words so she'd tank her test

- and never leave.
- Weird word.

I have made enormous
strides as a human being

and mama over
the past few years.

Truly, I have changed.

No, you haven't.

You've had the same
insane hair, sweaters

and obsession with
your kids since forever.

Erica, one of my biggest regrets

was trying to fool you
with those fake SAT cards.

Trust me, do not
make the same mistake.

Damn it, you're right.

I can't do to Geoff what you did
to me. I could never stoop that low.

ADAM: And yet she did.

That day my sister went
full Beverly Goldberg

- to keep the love of her life close by.
- "Plorpf." Yes.

While my sister was ready to con Geoff,
I was trying to bargain out of Fiddler.

Mr. Goldberg, welcome
to what I can only assume

is the single most important
moment of your young life.

I'm thinking this year
we don't do this dance

where I put you in the position
of having to give me a good part,

even though I can't sing or act.

Won't your mom march here and
yell when I give you a lousy part

- because of your screechy voice?
- I give you my word,

this year there will be
no Beverly Goldberg.

I'm here because I
promised my dad I'd audition.

- Throw me a few lines, I'll be on my way.
- You got yourself a deal.

ADAM: And so I hatched my plan
to half-ass my way through Fiddler.

Dude, I got Lazar Wolf,
the handsome town stud.

That's typecasting
Dave Kim likes.

I'm the constable.

Six lines, no songs,
done by intermission.

Dream role.

Move. Move your tiny bodies.

- Let's go.
- Dad? What are you doing here?

Today's our big day.

I wanted to see our name
at the top of the roster.

It's more near the bottom,
but it's still a very meaty part.

- The constable.
- What? We wanted Tevye or nothing.

Well, Matt Schernecke got it.

MURRAY: That scrub is Tevye?

He's got a warbly voice

- and no stage presence.
- What's that?

- Mazel tov, kid.
- Way to go.

- Okay. MURRAY: Don't worry.

I'll get you that part if
it's the last thing I do.

No. Matt Schernecke is
just a boy with a kind spirit.

You do not do anything of
the sort. You promise to me, sir.

Ninety-five percent
of this game is mental.

We'll go into Schernecke's
head and make him crack.

You just learn the lines. Me,
I'll take care of Schernecke.

ADAM: That day, my dad wasn't
the only one with a card up his sleeve.

- "Torkulent"?
- It means delighted and a little scared.

- "Flimjam"?
- To run backwards in a zigzag pattern.

Man, I didn't know any
of these SAT words.

- I'm so lucky I have you.
- You are. I'm a great person.

- No, she's not.
- Mom.

I'm sorry, Geoffrey, as a
yenta, I have to tell you,

she is trying to
keep you from UCLA.

- Erica would never do that.
- Who are you gonna believe?

Your adoring girlfriend or this
needy, blond-helmeted guilt monster?

You, obviously.

Our love is built on an unbreakable
trust I cherish more than...

Damn it, it's me.

I'm terrible and you should just
flimjam away as fast as you can.

Oh, my God. My girlfriend would
actually tank my future just to be with me?

- You love me so much and I love you too.
- Did not see that coming.

Oh, man, I'd give anything
for you to come with me.

Wait, why can't I? L.A. is the
center of the music business.

They have a building
that looks like records.

Well, you can't come
with me because...

Mom, you said
you've changed, right?

- I have said that
recently. ERICA: This is it.

I'm asking for your support
and if you've changed,

there's no answer but yes.

[WHISPERING] It's a yes.

- What?
- It's yes.

- What is that?
- I'm lost.

- Yes.
- Was that "yes"?

- Yes.
- I think I heard it that time.

- She said yes!
- Aah!

See? Yes. I have...

I have changed. I have
changed so, so much.

But, uh... Oh, Pops,
he won't let you go.

Go? Where? What? I just
came in for an onion bialy.

- Erica wants to move to L.A.
- L.A.?

Wow. That's fantastic.

Hollywood is so magical.

I'll for sure visit you.

- No!
- What?

To be clear, I have changed
and I totally support you.

But, uh, your dad will not allow you
to move to L.A. without knowing a soul.

Well, actually, we
have family there.

Aunt Selma, remember?

- Wait. I have relatives there?
- Yes. Thank you, Dad.

Her daughter Marci's out
there too. She's in advertising.

Thank you. So helpful.

She does all those
catchy commercial jingles.

They pay very good money.

So helpful, Dad.

Holy crap. I don't just have
family in L.A., I have an in.

You should send her a tape showing off
your beautiful voice so she can hire you.

What a great idea no
one asked you to suggest.

I'm gonna record
some jingles now.

I'm gonna familiarize myself with
the Los Angeles freeway system.


ADAM: Yep, my mom was cornered
into acting like a changed smother.

Meanwhile, I was doing whatever
I could not to act in Fiddler.

Channel the
character. You're Tevye.

Take yourself there and perform.


I'm having a hard time focusing.

Balls. My dad's here to
rattle Schernecke's cage.

- What?
- You heard me. This is bad.

If you're gonna watch rehearsal,
you have to respect my stage.

It's your team, manage it.

Right. Take it from
the top, Matthew.

All right. Be Tevye.

Feel the burden of
the humble dairyman

- with five handsome daughters.
- Bah!

- Mr. Goldberg.
- I'm sorry.

I don't buy this kid having
five daughters, do you?

Yes, I buy it. Enough.

The kid's a tomato can. Can't
hit the broadside of his mark.

- This adult man is hurting my
feelings. MURRAY: Sack up, Schernecke.

You gotta have thick skin
to make it in the big show.

Is your dad gonna be
here the whole time?

I don't know, man. He
took the week off work.

The whole thing's
been off the rails.

I just want my kid to
have a shot at the bigs.

Pipe down, I'll make him the understudy
for Tevye. Does that work for you?

That means I'll have no lines
and get to just hang in the wings?

Yeah, that super works.

Whoo! It's on now! You better
watch your back, fake Tevye.

Because we're coming for you.

Dad, stop making veiled
threats to Matt Schernecke.

- They're not veiled at all.
- I'm so sorry.


ADAM: With her
sights set on L.A.,

my sister prepped an epic audition
to get into the jingle business.

Hello and welcome,
product lovers of all ages.

Prepare to be delighted by
my delightful jingle medley.

I'm already delighted,
but I'm prepared for more.

♪ The best part of waking up ♪

♪ Is Folgers in your... ♪

♪ Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
Oh, what a relief... ♪

♪ Honeycomb's big
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Gimme a break Gimme a break ♪

♪ What would you do for...? ♪

♪ An Oscar Mayer Wiener ♪

♪ By Mennen ♪

♪ Mommy, wow ♪

♪ I'm a big kid... ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪♪

Wow, I don't know what half of
those are selling, but I'm buying.

Mom, what do you think?

- Please, no!
- What?


Got some bad news from
Cousin Marci last night.

Out of the blue like that?
You haven't talked in 15 years.

Well, I've been missing her.

And it's a good thing I called too
because she told me, for legal reasons,

she can't listen to jingles
from existing products.

I worked so hard on these.

- I was gonna mail her a tape.
- No! No, you can't.

It has to do with, uh, torts
and briefs and subpoenas.

I could've been a lawyer,
so it made sense to me.

How am I gonna impress her with
my jingle voice if I can't do jingles?

Good news.

She told me about

some, uh, new products
that have yet to be jingled.

Name it, I'll sing it. Hit me.

ADAM: Though my mom
swore she changed, in the end,

she couldn't help but lie.

Dr. Steinman's Butt Grease.

I'm very curious
about this product.

Dr. Steinman's a very
respected tushy surgeon.

He developed the
healing ointment himself.

Now he's sharing
it with the world.

Steinman. I gotta sing that?

- It's not so easy on the ear.
- It's not great.

But yet, the next
one is even worse.

Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.

- I don't want that product.
- There's more.

Magellan's Old-Fashioned
Year-Round Nog.

For people who want
eggnog, not just at Christmas.

I'd like a good
nog in the summer.

- If it's up to me, you'll get one.
- I know you can do it, schmoo.

If not, you can
live here forever.

We'll play it by ear.

Thanks for always being
there. You're awesome.

Time to get jingling.

Time to run that choreography,
so give me the shimmy.

ADAM: I was back at rehearsal.
Unfortunately, so was my dad.

Is that all you got, AG?

Put your bat on the
ball. Let the big dog eat.

ADAM: When Matt's dad
heard I got the understudy,

he came to check
out the competition.

Come on there, Matty-boy.
Just how we practiced.

ADAM: Turns out, the only thing
worse than one sports dad is two.

First, they cheer.

- Come on, AG. Look alive.
- Go big or go home, Matty-boy.

ADAM: Then they brag.

My son is a five-tool player.

He sings, dances,
acts, juggles, and mimes.

ADAM: Next came the insults.

Give it a rest, Schernecke.
Your kid's no Tevye.

- That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.
- What did you say?

ADAM: Then the head games.

Afraid we're gonna take
your spot in the rotation?

- Because you should be.
- Oh, please.

Your son deedle-daidles when
he should be daidle-deedling.

ADAM: And finally, the gloves came off.
- Kicking it on me first!

- Our dads suck.
- They really do.

ADAM: As our sports
dads ruined theater,

Erica was rehearsing songs for fake
products my mom lied to her about.

♪ It's for your bottom,
but it's the tops ♪

♪ Find happiness
in just a glop ♪

♪ From Dr. Steinman
to every shop ♪

♪ The one butt grease
that never stops ♪♪

Wow, that is shockingly good.

It's stuck in my head and
driving me nuts. You're a genius.

And that's not all.

♪ Pour it cold
or drink it warm ♪

♪ It's like seafood
in liquid form ♪

♪ It's Barnaby's The
juice of the sea ♪♪

Wow, you really
worked hard on these.

There'll be lines out the door
to drink that salty fish juice.

This next one is
dedicated to you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

No, it is.

You talked to Marci and
made this happen for me.

- You've changed, and I love you.
- Just focus on the songs.

♪ You gotta remember
Nog ain't just for December ♪

♪ You can nog all
summer afternoon ♪♪

- It's all a lie!
- What?

None of these products
are real and frankly,

I don't get how you
thought they were.

Because you swore it was
real and that you changed.

I'm sorry I freaked
out about you moving.

But good thing is I stopped
before any damage was done.

But there was damage!
So much damage.

I sent these insane
jingles to Marci.

- What's that?
- I sent her a cassette.

She'll think I'm
some crazy person

who peddles weird oyster
water and all-purpose nog.

There's no going back from this.

Okay, Mama will fix it.

I'll call Marci,
explain everything.

Sure, explain how it's my
SATs all over again but worse.

- Don't say that.
- It's true.

For the first time since
dropping out of college,

I had hope.

Thanks a lot.


ADAM: My sports dad
embarrassed me in the theater world,

and I was ready
to close the curtain.

Stupid heavy jacket
from the old country!


Everything okay?

No, Rubén Amaro, Jr.
Everything's not okay.

What happened, bro?

Break up with that girl who
dated me freshman year?

No, and I'd prefer
we not discuss that.

It's my dad. He insists on
coming to every practice.

I hear you. My dad
comes to every practice too.

So you get how much it sucks.

No. My dad's my best friend.

I'm almost done, champ. Let's
warm up that arm before practice.

Be there in a minute, Pop. Just talking
to my ex-girlfriend's little boyfriend.

- I love how you're there for everyone.
- You taught me well, Dad.

- I love you, son.
- I love you more.

Wow. This is just the total
opposite of my experience.

What can I say? Rubén,
Sr., was an athlete himself,

so he knows how crazy
sports dads can get.

- I re-gripped your bat, buddy.
- Super thoughtful, Dad.

Last thing he wants is
for me to get burnt out

so I fake an injury
or quit altogether.

You're right! I
can fake an injury.

I'll pretend I lost my
voice, so I can't sing.

What sport do you play?

The greatest
sport of all, theater.

I wish I knew that
before I got involved.

There you are, AG.

You got the call.
You're going in.

[IN RASPY VOICE] Mm, bad news.
Lost my voice. What you gonna do?

Hydrate it. Suck on a
lozenge. Get back out there!

Get away from that demanding
father. He'll kill your spirit.

- On it, Pop.
- Who the hell's that?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That is the
wonderful father of Rubén Amaro, Jr.,

named Rubén Amaro,
Sr., and I wish that was us.

That is us. I'm here. I'm
trying to help you, you moron.

Well, you're not. I hate this
play, and now I hate all musicals.

So thank you for taking my favorite
thing in the world and ruining it.



Save your schmoos.
I don't wanna hear it.

Just got off the phone
with Cousin Marci.

- Oh, God. Well, what did you do now?
- Nothing.

Apparently, Marci played your jingles
for her office and they loved them.

- Thought it was a bold stunt.
- Stunt?

You gave me those songs
to make me look crazy.

They don't need to know.

That's great, but it
doesn't make up for the fact

that you sabotaged me and
you're never gonna change.

I know.

Truth is, I am a selfish,
scheming mama bear

who can't let her kids leave because
she loves them so damn much.

And the worst thing is,

I'll be like this till
I'm 75 years old.

If that's your way of saying
"I'm sorry," it's not working.

I knew you were gonna say that.

So I thought maybe some
new flash cards might help.

♪ Say it loud ♪


♪ Say it loud ♪

Really not helping.

♪ Oh, say it clear ♪


♪ You can listen ♪

Still a no.

♪ As well as you hear ♪

"Rapplepop," really?

- ♪ It's too late ♪
- ♪ It's too late ♪

Even if I'm in Los Angeles?

- ♪ When we die ♪
- ♪ Oh, when we die ♪

- ♪ To admit we don't see ♪
- ♪ We don't see ♪

How did you know I
was gonna ask that?

Because I know you
better than anyone, schmoo.

And the one thing about
me that'll never change...

is how much I rapplepop you.

I rapplepop you too, Mom.

♪ We only sacrifice the future ♪

♪ It's the bitterness
that lasts ♪

What are you doing?

Thinking about joining
the baseball team.

All the dads there seem to
be very kind and supportive.

I deserve that.

- If you're gonna yell again...
- I'm really not.

All I want is for
you to follow me.

ADAM: And for the first time,

my dad was the one who
shared a home movie with me.

♪ So say it, say
it, say it loud ♪

Okay. What am I looking at?

- Me.
- You were in Fiddler?

I played Tevye.

I only auditioned because
my dad loved the play.

But Pop-Pop hates everything.

Not this.

He was so proud, he would
sit in the front row every night.

And for the first time I felt
close to the guy, you know?

So that's why this
means so much to you?

I know it's stupid.

I just wanted us to have the
same thing I had with my dad.

ADAM: In that moment,

I realized why my father
became a crazed sports dad

when it came to Fiddler.

He wasn't trying
to live through me,

he was trying to connect
the only way he knew how.

And with a little perspective,

I finally understood just
how great of a play it was.

Sometimes, it's
hard to understand

why the people we
love act the way they do.

But when you put
your trust in them,

that's when the real
traditions come to life.

- ♪ So say it, say it, say it loud ♪
- ♪ Say it loud ♪♪


Okay, everyone shut your faces.

Dad, I've decided who I'm
gonna be in Fiddler on the Roof,

so you can be my
sports-theater dad.

- His sports what?
- Don't ask.

I shall be Lazar Wolf.

Stop. The play's over.

Ah. Ha-ha.

You're trying to motivate me.

Lazar Wolf never quits
because he's got lasers.

Moron, Lazar Wolf is the
respected town butcher.


- I don't know what any of that was.
- It's for the best.