The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Mister Knifey-Hands - full transcript

Despite Beverly's wishes, Jackie's parents allow Adam to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and a disagreement between the families ensues; Beverly faces off with horror icon Freddy Krueger; Erica realizes she's not as popular as she once was.

ADAM: Ah, the Halloween
couples' costume,

from Alien vs. Predator
to Little Shop of Horrors.

Back in the day, dressing
up was always better in pairs.

Well, for everyone except Erica.

Boo! This year, you and me are
going as the white-hot hit-making duo,

Daryl Hall and John Oates.

- No, and no.
- I don't get it either.

In my day, there were only two
costumes. A ghost and a witch.

Please, Erica.

You know it's always been my
dream to go to the Halloween dance

in a badass couples' costume
based on clever wordplay.

I love you, but your dream
is beyond embarrassing.

I knew you'd be
resistant and nasty,

so I came up with some backups
so good you can't possibly say no.

Terrific, I always enjoy
a good presentation.

We can be Tim Burton's
best movie, Beetlejuice.

I'm the beetle,
you're the juice.

Falcon Crest, Dr. J, John Candy.

LEGO my Eggo. Corn dog.

Or we circle back to Daryl Hall
and John Oates, comments?

- What's happening?
- Good question, Pops.

This will make sense if
you wear the cough drops.

Geoff, listen to me.

I am not going to some corny
high-school Halloween dance.

Fine. But I find it very hurtful

that you insist that my innovative
ideas are always embarrassing.


♪ I'm twisted up inside But
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADAM: It was October
23rd, 1980-something,

and I was ready for a
Halloween horror marathon

with my girlfriend Jackie.

Okay, so I narrowed it down
to these 29 horror movies.

I think all we need is one.
Nightmare on Elm Street.

Yeah, I'm not so sure.

Something about Freddy
Krueger freaks me out.

It could be the face, the claws, or
the fall-asleep-and-you-die concept.

Aw, don't worry.
I'll protect you.

No, that's my job.

And you know my number-one
rule, no scary movies.

It's not scary.

Elm Street is actually a
very charming romcom.

"High school friends are
slaughtered in their sleep

by the predatory monster
of their shared nightmares."

- What's the worst that could happen?
- I don't know.

Why don't you ask Joyce
Dimarco's son Anthony?

He didn't sleep for three years
after watching The Exorcist,

so his body never grew.

Well, now, he's
now a 4'7" adult man

who needs a special
stool to use a sink.

I've slept enough
to reach every sink.

I'm old enough
to see this movie.

You want to rent a
scary movie? Here.

ADAM: An American Tail?
- It's bone-chilling.

It's about a Russian-Semitic
mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz

who immigrates to America.

- How is that scary?
- He gets separated from his mama,

but don't worry, he finds her.
Oh, I just ruined the whole thing.

It doesn't matter,
you're gonna love it.

I'll get cheesy snacks
for my little mouse man.

Don't worry, we'll still get
to watch us some Freddy.

Really? How?

I had a feeling your mom
would make us go PG,

so I had my
parents rent it for us.

- Unless you're too scared.
- Are you kidding? It's cool.

I mean, how scary can
a little claw glove be?

ADAM: Oh, God, that claw's
really freaking me out, man!

- Are the claws off the screen?
- Hey, pumpkins, having fun?


- Yeah, fun stuff.
- Dad, you gotta see this movie.

It's totally terrifying.

It's based on a true story.

Wait, what?

[IN GRAVELLY VOICE] Freddy's coming
for you. You can sleep when you're dead!

- What?
- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Messing with you.

But the movie is
terrifying. Have fun.

ADAM: It's true. Freddy
scared me to my core.

Meanwhile, Geoff was afraid
he'd never get his couples' costume.

All I'm asking for is
five measly minutes

- as Daryl Hall and John Oates.
- For the millionth time,

I'm not going to
some lame dance.

But it won't be lame because
you make everything cooler.

That's why you're Halls. It's known
for its icy penetrating vapor action.

I made a promise the day I graduated
to never return to this hellhole again.

Which reminds me, get out.

Here? This is the
auxiliary parking lot.

You bum rides off me,
this is the best you'll get.

The last thing I
need is to be spotted.

Well, if it isn't one of our
illustrious alumni, Erica Goldberg.

Hey, Mr. Glascott.

Um, don't you have your own
teacher's spot or something?

I do, but there's always
a student parked in it.

So I park here and wear a pair
of comfortable walking shoes.

Cool stuff, very sad, gotta go.

Oh, wait. Before you run off,
do you mind talking to the kids?

It's inspiring to hear a success
story from one of our former students.

I would, but being back here
is depressing, so no way, never.

Ha-ha. That's the
sassafras I remember.

Come on, we can walk together.


Young minds, look who it is.

Erica Goldberg.


She'll tell you about the magical
and exciting chapter after high school.

Well, I went to college in D.C.

Ooh. Where the president lives.

And then I dropped out
to follow my real dream,

which is being a rock star.

Could you expound on the risks
and rewards of leaving academia?

Good Lord, no.

In your experience, was
college a waste of time?

I'd say high school
was a waste of time.

- No, no, no.
- I knew it!

The whole American
educational system is bogus.

Man, this turned on me.

- Just leave.
- You're right.

Coming back to school wasn't
so bad after all. Later, turds.


She just ate my new apple.

ADAM: Turns out, going back
to the place Erica used to rule

was just the ego
boost she needed.

Some days I wake up and go, "Know
what? I'm gonna do nothing today."

And I go back to sleep.

You're my hero.

ADAM: That fateful day, she was
back to being the queen of cool.

- This bad boy stuck again?
- Mm-hm.

Some things never change.

Wow. You're like
the Fonz but hot.

"Hey!" Because Fonzie.

ADAM: That is, until the queen of cool
became the master of just not leaving.


My dude. Hey,
hang in there, bro.

I like the bangs, random girl.

Rubén, Jr, doing what you do.

- Wait, I thought that girl graduated.
- She did.

ADAM: While Erica overstayed
her welcome, I was over-caffeinating.

- Who's up for pancake dippers?
- Whoa, whoa.

Take off that striped
Freddy sweater.

Damn it, are you strung
out on Jolt Cola again?

- Give me the can.
- No, no, no! I need my wakey juice.

My God, you look schluffy.

A mama can always tell.
What's going on with you?

Okay, fine. I'm too
exhausted to mount a defense.

I watched Nightmare on
Elm Street at Jackie's house.

- What? Where were Vinny and Lynn?
- They rented it for us.

Knowing that it's a terrifying
movie about Fredward Kroeger?

Yes. They trust Jackie
and respect her opinion

because she's an adult who
makes her own decisions.

Sweet God. What else
happens in this lawless house

- built on the trust of children?
- Nothing!

Vin and Lynn are
cool, and thoughtful,

- and political, and go to protests.
- Whoa. Whoa. Wait. They're hippies?

Aw, no, don't mix in
too. Go back to napping.

You never told me that your
girlfriend comes from hippie stock.

- Oh, no.
- Great, now your father's all riled up.

My God, why do you
hate hippies so much?

Because back in college, they
were all off making free love,

while I was making $2 an
hour slicing rye bread in a deli.

Enough with the rye
bread. Take a walk.


There go my big
plans for the day,

haranguing Erica and then
Barry, if there was time. Hmm.

It's all hands on deck to get you
sleeping like a snuggle bug again.

It's a few nightmares.
I don't need help.

Tonight, we'll start with
a relaxing bubble bath.

No baths. I'm a shower man now.

After that, I'm gonna toast
up your jammies real nice

in the dryer and then I'll tuck you
in real tight to seal in the safeness.

You do know that none of
this will actually help me?

For your information, science has
proven that mamas can love away the fear.

- What science proves that?
- At Yale, they scared 1000 kids.

Half were given mama love,
half were given a placebo.

Guess which kids
stopped having nightmares.

None, because it never happened.

I could've been a scientist.

I rest my case. Because I
could've been a lawyer as well.

I don't care what fancy
career you gave up to raise me.

I'll get over my nightmares
by myself and without a bath.


Stupid loving mother,

soothing science.



No more sleep, never ever
again will there be sleep!

Come on, let's see some Quaker spirit,
support your girls' volleyball team.

I can't believe
she's back again.


I never thought I'd see the day
you would be embarrassed by her.

Embarrassed? No. What?
Come on, Erica's my dream girl.

And now the dream is over,

and you're left with a sad-sack
girlfriend stuck in 13th grade.

- That's a thing?
ANDY: Oh, yeah.

Erica's become one of those losers
who still hangs around after graduating.

- Get your cookies.
- Matt, tell me it's gonna be okay.

I usually try and find a
positive spin on things,

but this one's hard.

Even eternal optimist Matt
Bradley lost hope? What do I do?

- Hey, JTP, over here!
ROB: Uh-oh. See sees us.

MATT: Good luck,
man. ANDY: Flee!

Brownie on the house for
my number-one customer?

And as your number one, it's my job
to tell you that people are calling you

a lame-ass sad sack
stuck in 13th grade.

Not me. People.

What people? Wait, is it Dan?

- Honestly, it's not.
- I am gonna make

this school year
hell for that goofus.

No. You can't go around
school terrorizing goofuses.

- You're an adult, it's a crime.
- Dan asked for it.

If he wants to
dance, we'll dance.

Don't dance with Dan.

It's me. I'm the
people who think it.

- Stop covering for Dan!
- I'm not.

I didn't know how to tell you,

but graduation marks the
end of a high school career,

which is lost on you.

The only thing lost
is your grip on reality.

I am worshipped here. Watch.

Attention, adoring fans.

I'm gonna be throwing a kick-ass
pre-party for the dance. Keg's on me.


Hear that? Who's
in 13th grade now?

Thirteenth grade?

Damn it, I was assured
high school stopped at 12th!

ADAM: Desperate to
escape my Freddy nightmares,

I visited the girl of my dreams.

- After chugging a case of Jolt Cola.
- Hey, Lynny. Hey, Vinny. Jackie home?

She's upstairs watching
Elm Streets 2 through 5.

- Have at it.
- Uh, I'm kind of Freddied out.

Maybe I can wait for her
in one of your well-lit rooms.

- I'll grab this.
- You okay?

Jackie said you
haven't been sleeping.

No, I've been getting about
seven, eight minutes a night.

Look, I teach
kids, it's what I do.

Do you know the best way to
conquer your deepest fears?

Facing your fear head-on. Here.

ADAM: Fangoria magazine?

They go behind the
scenes on horror movies

and show the special effects,
makeup and how they make it.

- Not so scary now, huh?
- Freddy Kreuger?

He's just a classically-trained
actor named Robert.

- This is awesome!
ADAM: It really was.

Thanks to Jackie's dad,
my nightmares were over.

- Or so I thought.
- Aah!

Ha-ha. My little fun-size
Snickers is awake.

Mom, you know it's not okay to
stare at me for hours as I sleep.

It's hard not to
admire my handiwork.

- What are you talking about?
- I got you sleeping again.

A mother's love is
the best medicine.

Vin and Lynn Geary helped
me, not your creep-o stuff.

- Vin and Lynn what now?
- You heard me.

They used Fangoria to help
me face my fears head-on.

Oh, no. How dare they
successfully parent my child.

- Murray, get in here!
- Which moron did what?

- Just yell it to me!
- It's those damn Gearys again.

They mixed in with
our baby. Chutzpah!

Those stinking hippies. They
don't follow society's rules.

You guys are that threatened by them
just because they're better parents?

What did you just say?

Not in every way. I meant most
ways, some ways. One way!

Those Gearys are gonna get
a crash course in real parenting

from the Goldbergs.

Stay away from those
nice, better people.

- Please no, please no.
- Gearys, we need to talk.

- Hey, Goldbergs.
- Bobbing for apples. Want a turn?

Do I want communal
fruit from a hippie tub?

- I'm good.
- Playtime's over, Gearys.

Oh. You have got some nerve.

What exactly are
you worked up about?

We have to do something.

Because of you people, my
son stopped having night terrors.

- You're welcome?
- Shocking, the hippie doesn't get it.

Why is he calling us hippies?

Because of your head-in-the-sand,
loosey-goosey parenting style.

Which is the reason my little
angel started having nightmares.

Maybe if he wasn't an over-mothered,
bubble-wrapped veal child,

he wouldn't have
them in the first place.

Our parents are
fighting. Do something.

Look! They have hay rides.
Hay makes everything better.

Tell that to Rachel
Hublitz's nephew,

who went on a hay ride and
the open-air wagon turned over.

They sawed him out of the wreckage,
and they cut the poor boy in half.

Now he's just a torso and rides

a special medical skateboard
to his job at the DMV.

- No, thanks!
- Look, it's a corn maze.

- Let's split up by family.
- Is it safe?

Your mom must know someone
who was impaled by a pointy cob.

JACKIE: Move, move, move.

I'm not done speaking
to you. Come on, Murray.

ADAM: While my parents were
on a mission to school the Gearys,

Erica's only goal was to prove
she wasn't a lame 13th grader.

Hello, fine purveyor of spirits.

Nine kegs of your
cheapest and frothiest beer.

- I need to see some ID.
- I was prepared for that.


This is a freshman college ID.

Which proves I'm not some
high school bozo off the street.

It also proves
that you're not 21.

Would it help if I told you
I need a keg to look cool?

- It would not.
- What if I cried or begged?

- Still a no.
- Please, I am in a bad place.

The validation that I'll get
from random high school kids

is all that's getting me by
now, so I gotta get a keg.

I could fill one up with
crappy non-alcoholic beer.

Seriously? No one
would stoop that low.

What up, party people?

Guess who got a real keg
of genuine alcoholic beer?

The girl that was getting on our
nerves finally did something cool.

Okay, you have
seriously lost it.

You can't bring a keg-wagon
to prove me wrong.

All I'm proving is these people
love me and I'm not in the 13th grade.

Pre-party before the dance is at
the water tower. Now cheer for me.


Nothing can touch you,
Erica! You're untouchable!

Miss Goldberg, you
are in serious trouble.

- My office right
now. CROWD: Ooh.

I no longer go here so
you can't tell me what to do.


I'll have you arrested
for criminal trespassing

and providing alcohol to minors.


- Please, stop.
- I think we've been here already.

Clueless people,
clueless parents.

Okay. That's it, Beverly. You
have seriously crossed the line!

I just questioned whether you should
bring another child into this world.

And a hippie child, no less.

Oh! We get it! You hate hippies
because you were lame in college.

I worked two jobs to
get through Penn State.

You don't think I wanted
to dance and wear beads?

No, can't imagine
you wanting that.

You have no idea what
this complicated man wants.

- What do we do?
- Split them up.

Hurry, Goldbergs, this way!

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh,
but I don't trust you people.

And frankly, I'm not
comfortable with Adam

spending unsupervised
time at your mad house.

Maybe our kids shouldn't
see each other at all.

- What?
- Jackie Renee Geary, get to the car.

- I bet you it's a Volkswagen love bus.
- It's a Saab, so suck it.

I can't believe you two.

We are your parents and
we know what's best for you.

But you don't. The
Gearys helped me, not you.

I wish they were my parents.

- You don't mean that.
- I've never meant anything more.


Dead end. Still mad.

I know all this looks super
bad, but this isn't even real beer.

I'm a fraud and I'm lame.

So you fool a bunch of kids
with a fake keg just to seem cool?

You've sunk pretty
low, Ms. Goldberg.

Well, what do you know?

Johnny G scored us a kegerino for
the teacher's lounge Halloween mixer.

- Oh, um, this is...
- And here you guys insisted

he was nothing but a
button-down cornball.

Well, shows what
you all know. Heh.

Why don't we tap this very
alcoholic bad boy, people.

- Mr. G brought the fun!
- Unbelievable. They stole my keg.

- How will I impress the seniors now?
- That's your takeaway?

- Why are you yelling?
- This is beyond embarrassing.

Not just for you,
but especially for me.

- I embarrass you?
- What do you mean?

There's a reason I didn't tell anyone
we were dating for three months.

- You said secrets make it hotter.
- Here's the truth.

I didn't tell anyone
because I was popular

and the last thing I wanted
was for people to see me

with Barry's puppy-dog friend,

who followed me around
for a decade until I caved.

Well, don't worry.
That ends now.


ADAM: After I disowned my
mom for ruining things with Jackie,

she decided to try and reconnect with
me using the thing I loved most, movies.

Adam? Where'd you go?

two, Freddy's coming for you ♪

♪ Three, four You
better lock your door ♪♪

Excuse me, hi. Um...

I lost my little baby.

His name's Adam,
goes by "schmoo."

Schmoo's not here. Ha-ha-ha.

I take it you work here?

- Try again. BEVERLY: I
don't have time for games.

I lost my son.

Ooh. Bad mommy
lost her little brat.

Ha-ha. I'm sorry, who
do you think you are?

Your worst nightmare.




BEVERLY: Gotta hide.

What the...? My sweaters!

You got good taste, lady.



I don't care what happens to me.
I'm already living my worst nightmare.

Huh? I thought I was doing
a pretty damn good job here.

No, you're great, with the knifey
hands and the melting candle face.

It's just... Adam said he
wished I wasn't his mother.

Aw, jeez. That's an
awful thing to say.


- I'll kill him.
- No.

The more I think about it, I
deserved what Adam said.

I was terrible to
Jackie's parents.

Parents. Who needs them?

I never knew any of my
fathers and I turned out just fine.

I don't see how
that applies to me.

I couldn't stand the Gearys
because of the way they parented.

But then, they were able
to help Adam and I wasn't.

Eh, this is getting way too
touchy-feely for this cowboy.

♪♪♪♪ it. Time to die!

No. Time to get my
♪♪♪♪ing son back.

Hey, I say the ♪♪♪♪♪
around here, lady.

- Not anymore, Mr. Kroeger.
- Krueger!

- It's Krueger!
- Aah!


What...? What
happened with the thing?

I had the worst nightmare.
I gotta talk to Adam.

I know you said you didn't
want to talk to me anymore, but...

- All is forgiven.
- No, it's not.

I just had this awful dream
and it made me realize...

Live and learn. Life's a
journey, thanks for popping in.

- Uh, what's that?
- Oh, balls.

That is my Halloween
mask. I'm Garfield.

Lasagna. Oh, balls.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Goldberg! Is Adam home?
- Hey! It's Jackie!

Crazy girl! This is
my house, not hers.

- Stop talking.
- Yeah, this one's hard to spin.



- Trick or treat.
- Just take two and be on your way.

I don't want candy, I
want to make this right.

Why? You were very
clear. I'm an embarrassment.

Look, I know I hurt you,

but I was just lashing out
because I couldn't admit the truth.

I am embarrassed of me,

what I've become, a loser
who peaked in high school.

Maybe you think saying all
that fixes this, but it doesn't.

I know. I'm hoping that going
with you to that dance does.



Ready to make my
dreams come true?

Heh. No.

Darn it.

♪ What I want, you've got
And it might be hard to handle ♪

♪ But like the flame
That burns the candle ♪

♪ The candle feeds the flame ♪

We're here to pick up our deceitful
daughter who we stupidly trusted.

Guess you were right,
we're the bad parents.

Go ahead, rub it
in our hippie faces.

No. All I wanna do is apologize.

- Really? Why?
- I was jealous.

I thought you were
the better parents.

But both our kids
are pretty great,

so maybe there's more than
one right way to raise them?

Because I realized as good
as we are with our own kids,

we're even better as a team.

We really are.

I wanted to see Arlo Guthrie.

BOTH: What?

Yeah, at Woodstock.

But I had to work, and all my friends
got to jam and dance and bongo.

- That sucks. I'm sorry.
- What are you gonna do?

Arlo's coming to Philly next month.
I could get us some tickets maybe?


♪ You make my dreams come true ♪

ADAM: So often
we're afraid of things

because they're different
from what we know.

But when we learn to
embrace the unfamiliar,

that's when we can truly grow.

Shed the old versions of ourselves
and leave our comfort zone behind.

In the end, the things
that scare us the most

can bring us closer
than we ever imagined.

And that's when our
dreams really do come true.

♪ You make my dreams ♪♪



Oh, no, it's the
keyboard, it's evil.


Bad dream.

- Keg's kicked, pal.
- Can you spot me a ride?

Oh. I guess that is the
responsible thing to do

after you drank all of
these very real beers.

- Uh, where do you live?
- Paramus.

- That's two hours away.
- Not if we make a pit stop in Secaucus.

I gotta pick up my special protein
powder from my protein guy.

You'll like that
guy, he's ripped.

Then we'll see my Aunt Stephanie.
You'll like her, she's ripped.

Okay, look, the
beer's fake, you're fine.

Get home safe.