The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 22 - Episode #6.22 - full transcript

Ah, Mother's Day. For most families,

all you'd have to do is
make breakfast in bed,

but for the Goldbergs,

"Smother's Day" was the most
dreaded holiday of the year.

It was a 24-hour, nonstop snuggle fest

that got worse as we got older.

Oh, my God, what is
this disgusting glop?

My one-way ticket out
of Mother's Day, sucka.

Oh, balls, oh, balls!
I completely forgot!

How could you forget?

It's the worst day of our year,

but it's on display forever!

Behold the Goldberg mantel of shame.

I know. As the baby,

I'm the one who gets the worst of it!

Or have you forgotten this?

This... actually... happened.

Yeah, in a house full
of messed up photos,

that is for sure the worst.

Please, let me join
in on your breakfast!

- Here, I can make toast!
- Already did.

No! That's all I'm capable of!

Oh! There she is!

Guess what special day
it is, pretty lady?

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day! For me!

Look what I alone made for you!

Aww, my Sugartush charred
me a Belgian waffle

and put a poison flower on top.

I woke up at dawn just
to make everything right

for my wonderful mama-bear!

Aw, Schmoo. Go back to bed.

Please no! I mean,

we need him for your
Mother's Day photo session.

Oh, my day will be plenty special

with just you and Erica.


Happy Mother's Day.

Sorry, but so much sinus pressure.

Oh, no! Your cold got worse.

Aw, come on! She's clearly faking!

Shame on you, Adam!

For the past week, I have
been closely monitoring

Erica's cough, sniffles, sore throat,

sour tummy, and
uncontrollable eye twitch.

See? It does it on its
own 'cause it's real.

Aw. Well, I'll go put some
blankets on the couch

so you can lie down and watch TV.


And that's how you get out

of honoring your mother.

That's right. For weeks,

I've been planting seeds of worry.

A tiny cough here, a body ache there,

every day a calculated move
leading to this very moment.

Bastard genius!

Okay, I built a nest
for Erica on the couch

and I ran Barry's blanket
through the dryer.

Time for our big photo op, Adam!

Get your smile muscles ready!

Ugh, fine! I guess I'll be the one

who spends Mother's Day with his mother.


Let's just make it super fast

'cause I got big plans
today with Dave Kim.

- Plans? What plans?
- "Willow"!

It's George Lucas' blockbuster
follow-up to "Star Wars"!

Wow, it's like super selfish

to pick some movie over your mom.

I don't even know what to say.

- I do. You're a bad son.
- Gah!

Let's just go and take
these photos super fast

- 'cause "Willow"!
- Yay!

It's Mother's Day.

It was May 1st, 1980-something,

and we were spending some quality time

with our dad and David Hasselhoff.

Whoa, wait!

You guys are watching "Knight Rider"

and didn't even invite me?

- Scootch!
- You scootch. I'm already here.

That's the best spot on the couch

and I'm sick of you always hogging it.

Damn it! I can't hear
the snooty car talk.

Either sit down, or get out.

Of course you take Erica's side.

Once again, the forgotten
middle child gets screwed!

Aw, not this crap.

Here we go again with your crazy

middle child conspiracy theories.

Crazy real!

You're constantly boned when
you're the middle child.

I get the bad spot on the couch,

the runty piece of pizza,

even your crappy hand-me-downs.

You do not!

Dad made me wear your "My
Little Pony" overalls

'til I was nine!

It's 'cause Dad's cheap,

not 'cause you're the middle child.

Also 'cause it was funny.

That right?

Well, I cannot wait to move to college

so I can be born anew

and live free as a non-middle child!

Just take my stupid spot on the couch.

For a middle child, getting the
couch was an epic triumph,

though what happened next
was Barry's first real win.

Stop your cross-fire!
Everyone focus on Barry!

Look, a thick-ass envelope from Penn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Thick from Penn?
- You know it.

I'm gonna rip the ass
out of this envelope.

Yeah, go. Rip out the ass.

- Rip it but good.
- Boom!

Barry did it!

Barry got in!

- Everyone wants Barry!
- Whoo-hoo!

That makes three colleges!

But this is the one, baby!

Best pre-med program on the East Coast.

- The best!
- Screw you, garbage safety schools

Ithaca and Bucknell.

You're garbage. We don't need you now.

Did I get any mail?


'Cause I just some crazy-good
mail, now you want some?

Well, you're not gonna
middle child me this time,

'cause I'm going to...

- Going to Penn!
- What?!

- Geoff, I did it! I got in!
- Yes!

Wait, when did you apply to Penn?


So many questions. How? Why?

No. And when? Also no!

Peanut, you did it!

How is this even happening?

Well, it was a hard year,

and once my band was causing
me more stress than joy,

Geoff made me realize that I
really needed some direction.

All I did was get her transcripts,

fill out the applications,

and then cash in my Bar Mitzvah bonds

- to cover the fees.
- I always liked this kid.


No! No!

Dad, check it out.

This weekend, there's
an orientation event

at this swanky-ass
house in Chestnut Hill.

That's my swanky-ass orientation event.

Yeah, that's great, pal,

but this Erica news is
the best. The best!

This is my special moment,
and she stole it!

Once again, the middle
child gets screwed.

I demand you call me peanut
and twirl me, damn it!

Don't touch my body.

Absolutely not! Ah, my back!

Let's roll, boopie.

So, that's the end of that? We good?

We're great.

Just look at all the
stuff our faces are on!

Mugs, keychain, welcome mat,

blankie, car seat cover,

baby bib,

beach towel!

Why would I want a towel of us?

Uh, so when you're at the beach
or getting out of the shower,

you can remember who loves you most?

And here I thought it was weird.

Doesn't matter, I'm off
to go see "Willow."

- Ta!
- No "ta"!

I made us reservations for
brunch and Flamenco lessons

and a couple's foot soak.

While that all sounds
fun and also gross,

you promised I could go see "Willow."

I didn't promise "Willow."

You want "Willow," but
I think we both know

there will be no "Willows"
of any kind today.

You don't understand. "Willow"
is the most important movie

in a generation.

And I'm the most important
mom in a generation!

Mom trumps "Willow."

It really doesn't!

In 30 years, people will talk about

how the "Willow" trilogy
changed their lives.

No! No "Willow" for you, I mean it!

I get one Mother's Day a
year and I'm taking it.

This is what I get for being nice to you

almost the whole morning?

Okay! That's it! No
"Willow" for you ever!

You can't just forbid me from "Willow"

for the rest of my life!

- I just did.
- Gah! I hate you!

I see.

Okay, then.

Go. Enjoy your movie.

Thank you!

These don't fit. I need a refund.

And so I ditched my mom on
Mother's Day to see "Willow."

And when it was over...

I had seen "Willow."

- "Willow"!
- "Willow"!

And Val Kilmer!

Val Kilmer was totally in the movie!

He was, wasn't he?


Aw. Aw, man.

Everything okay?

I kind of went to the mat
on this "Willow" thing

- with my mom.
- How so?

Well, she said, "No 'Willow'."

And then I got very emotional,
cause, you know, "Willow."

So I said, "Yes 'Willow',"

and then she said, "No 'Willow'," again,

and then I said I hate her.

You told your mom you hate
her on Mother's Day!?

Mistakes were made, Dave Kim!

But for "Willow"?

I didn't know "Willow" was
"Willow" at the time.

That's really not cool, bro!

I know, Dave Kim!

You better make it up to your mom, bro!

I know, Dave Kim.

But I blame "Willow."

I told you not to touch my body.

Okay. I can see you're mad,

but for the record, this whole
thing could have been avoided

if you just cried tears
of joy and twirled me.

Just get me more ice, moron!

- You heard him, Geoff.
- I did.

Dude, why are you freaking out
just 'cause I got into Penn?

'Cause college is
supposed to be the place

where I finally break free
from your hateful shadow!

I mean it, you're not going.

I got a letter that says otherwise.

- And a father.
- Quiet, broken couch dad!

Dude, 6,000 kids go to Penn.

Trust me, the last person
I'll be hanging with is you.

Stop talking like you're going there!

You may get first choice
at everything else,

but you will not take my college!

Mark my words. This will not stand.

This... will... not... stand.

You know what else won't stand, moron?

Me! Where's my ice?!

I'm so sorry! I couldn't
find a proper baggy!

- Oh!
- Ugh!

I knew that hug was a mistake.

You can't take it back,
it already happened.

Happy Mother's Day.

What's this?

I know we had a little dust-up earlier,

but I just want to move
on and cap off the day

with a little something
special for me madre.

Appreciate that. Thanks.

Well, happy we cleared the air

and this whole thing is done.

Oh, it's done, all right.

What's that supposed to mean?

My children have always gone to
extreme lengths to avoid me.

Erica's been pretending
to cough for six weeks

and Barry spent $100 on groceries

just to get out of today.

You know about that?

Of course.

But I didn't mind 'cause my
special baby still loved me.

But then my baby said "I hate you."

On Mother's Day.

I see this is gonna be a whole thing.

Not a thing. I'm done.

Come on, I said I was sorry.

If you can't just move
on, that's on you!

Be done!

For clarity's sake, when you say "done,"

what exactly does that mean?

It means I'm done.

Whatever! I don't care! Be done!

It's just that "done" can cover

such a wide spectrum of
changes to a relationship,

so if you could just add some specifics.

Sure. Specifically, I'm done.

Done with what? Being snuggly and nice?

Is that the threat?
'Cause lemme tell ya,

that'd be delightful!

I'm your child! You
can't be done with me!

And yet I am.

No way! Not buying it!
You'll never be done!

'Cause you're obsessed with me, lady!

Honestly, I don't give
a hoot you're done.


Just for kicks, tell me how to fix it.

You want to fix it? Then go back in time

to when you were the little squish

who was over the moon to
spend Mother's Day with me.

And until then, I'm done.

Despite the Mom rage, we all know

there's no way Beverly Goldberg

would ever be done
with her Schmoo. Ever.

Yep. Won't happen.

- She's not coming back.
- Oh, balls.

Mother's Day was finally over,
and I was looking forward

to life in a smother-free house.

- Mornin', Sunshine.
- Morning?

Looks like Mom's still mad
and didn't make breakfast.

But joke's on her

'cause we got Nintendo Cereal System!

Kiddo? Aren't you
supposed to be at school?

Nah, it's only...

11:30?! Balls! Nobody woke me up!

Well, don't you have an alarm clock?

I don't need one 'cause Mom always...


Balls. Balls! Balls!

Dude, you missed our
English lit presentation.

I overslept 'cause my
mom didn't wake me.

Don't you have an alarm clock?

Why does everyone keep
harping on this clock thing?

You don't need one when
you have a loving mother!

- Who are you looking at right now?
- You!

No, you're looking at
the water fountain.

Aw, crap! My mom also reminds me

to put on my glasses before I leave

and now my lazy eye is activated!

My God. Out of all the days,

why wasn't your mom there this morning?

'Cause she's done, Dave Kim!

Done? W-W-What does that mean?

I don't know, but it's
starting to seem really bad.

- Hey, babe.
- Ugh.

It's still weird that
you two are a thing.

Hells yeah we are.

Um, your friend is totally watching us.

No! I turned my head.

My lazy eye is still on you.

You're a freaky little guy, huh?

I'm just gonna walk away entirely.

As the reality of my
mom being done set in,

Barry was dead-set on proving

he should be the only
Goldberg to go to Penn.

No! It was time for the tired baker man

to make the donuts.

I like him 'cause he's
miserable like me.

I will not leave until you
hear my airtight presentation

of why I should be the
one who goes to Penn.

- Really, dude?
- Geoffrey,

wheel in the presentation cart.

Don't need a presentation.

You both can go to the damn college.

Just let the dumbass do his thing

and then he'll go away.

This will only take 80
minutes of your time.

It includes a speech, slideshow,

rap interlude, Q&A,

intermission with kosher salami,

followed by an elegant closing ceremony,

and surprise T-shirt giveaway.

- _
- They're all men's mediums.

Once I'm done, our dad
will be able to choose

without question

which one of us should go to Penn.

- Erica.
- What?

- I choose Erica.
- But I didn't even start.

Moron, you got into other schools.

The only choice this girl has

is that couch or that college.

- So it's Erica.
- Yeah, I don't want to step in,

but I think he chose Erica.

How did you even get into Penn?

You flunked out of stupid music college!

I told them that after high school,

I took a long-ass "music sabbatical."

They ate that up. Dummies.

I feel good about my choice.

Erica! I chose Erica!

Erica, Erica, Erica.

You think you've won, don't you?

I do. 'Cause I did.

'Cause he said Erica, like, 10 times.

Hear me now, believe me later.

I'll do whatever it takes to win.

I will not eat. I will not sleep.

I mean, I might do both,

'cause without them, I'll die.

But you will not go to Penn.

So no more presentation?

I stayed up all night preparing slides

and getting ready for
the closing ceremony.

Forget the scarf dance, Geoff!

Even though Barry lost
out on his top college,

I was ready to admit that I
didn't want to lose my mom.

Hey, Pops. Mom home?

No, now that the rain stopped,

she went to Gimbels to
return the umbrella.

She leave any messages for me?

Yeah, she did. I wrote it down.

"I'm done."


She really is done and it's
taking its toll on me!

Kiddo, just tell her you're sorry.

I tried, but nothing works.

This morning, I asked her
if she wanted to take

a bite of my neck meat, and
you know what she said?

"Nah, man." She called me "man," man!

That is bad.

There's gotta be some way to fix this.

Yeah, she said to go back in time

and be the sweet little boy

that loved her more than anything.

And then it hit me.

Sears... Photo... Session.

Wait... that's it! I
know exactly what to do!


Hey, kid, I-I don't think
this is the answer.

I've never been more confident
of anything in my whole life.

You really shouldn't be.

All right, let's get to work...

uh, whoa!

You don't happen to have an
oversized lollipop, do you?

Yeah, I can't take this photo.

Just take the photo.

Just shoot it, dude!

Look, I don't know why an
old man wants this photo,

but I'm thinking I
shouldn't be a part of it.

It's not for me!

Trust me, there's
nothing weird about it.

- It's for my mom.
- Not helping!

While I was trying to re-create
my mom's favorite photo,

Barry was trying to destroy

Erica's college orientation event.

And those are just some
of the wonderful aspects

of campus life.

Let's open this up for questions. Yes.

When do people declare a major?

Query! Let's say a certain applicant

lied to admissions about
flunking out of music college.

Would Penn wanna know about it?

That's an extremely specific question,

but I guess we'd look into it.

Now, about declaring a major...

Would it also be concerning
if another applicant

was so selfish that he'd
jeopardize his sister's future,

and also once he pooped on the bus?

Another very specific question.

I think I misheard you.
What happened on the bus?

I can speak to that hypothetical

and assure you that only happened

'cause the facilities at
Colonial Williamsburg

were inadequate.

Would the school also
reconsider an applicant

because he challenged a horse to a fight

on more than one occasion?

Or is that the kind of
passionate individual

Penn is looking for?

No. Definitely not.

Should the university be aware

that a certain student
once sling-shotted

her training bra at Donnie Wahlberg

at a New Kids concert?

Should the university also be aware

that another certain
student practiced kissing

- on a Miss Piggy puppet?
- Hey!

The university must know the facts!

You accepted an incoming freshman

who was busted in kindergarten

for eating paste.

How dare you?!

And it had glitter in it.

Regardless, you accepted a
student who will ruin my life!

Okay. Um, I'm thinking this, uh,

Q&A got a tad off topic.

I'm not ruining your life!

I'm just trying to turn mine around!

You think it sucks being
the middle child?

Well, try being the oldest!

My whole life,

Mom and Dad have held me up
to some unrealistic standard

that I will never live up to!

So, instead of hating me
for always being second,

how about you thank me,

because I would give anything
to be in your shoes!

Penn's all yours.

But just so you know,

I was excited to go to college with you.

I thought it'd be fun.

After Mother's Day, my mom was done.

And I had the way to undo it.

Beverly. A moment of your time?

- Okay.
- According to you,

there's one way to undo you being done,

which is to go back to
being the little boy

who loved you so much.

I think we both know
that's not possible, Adam.

Or is it?

What the [BLEEP] is that, man?!

You wanted me to go back
in the time machine?

Well, I did it! I'm back, baby!

Oh, my God, look at you!

Why would you do this?

I-I thought you wanted me to!

Sweet Lord in heaven,

you look like a cursed doll!

This gesture was supposed to
show you that I love you!

Adam. If you ever go to prison
for something terrible,

this is the picture they'll show,

and people will look at it and say,

like, "Oh, yeah, I get it."

You're seriously not gonna
accept this creepy photo

as proof that I love you?

No. See, this Adam used to
give me snuggles and hugs

and say, "I love you, Mama."

And this Adam tells me he hates me,

and quite honestly? I believe him.

Fine! Believe whatever you want!

Gah! I hate you!

And there it is.

Yes, I hate you, but also?

I love you! So much!

But I also hate you,
and at the same time,

I love you, but I hate you!

- It can't be both, Adam.
- But it can!

I hate that you're a
nudge that expects me

to dry off with a towel
that has your face on it!

But I love that you blindly support

everything that I do! So, yes,

I hate you, and I love you.

Maybe you're done being my mom,

but I will never be done being your son.

That is the sweetest thing

you've ever said to me.


Of course.

And let's be honest.

I couldn't be done even if I wanted to.


Go away.


We got to talk about college.


You got what you wanted.

You're going to Penn on your own.

You're no longer the middle child.

Did you mean what you said?

You really wanna go to college with me?


I went on my own and
completely screwed up.

Honestly, it seemed way less scary

when I thought you'd be there, too.

I always thought it was
easy being the oldest,

but I get it now.

You have to do everything first

and pave the way for the rest of us.

That I do.

Doesn't matter anymore.

'Cause Penn's about to get a
double dose of the Goldbergs.

- You mean it?
- See you around campus?

Not if I see you first.

I might just be the
happiest I've ever been.

I've got two kids going to college.

Who wants a hug and a twirl?

All you.

We'll twirl later.

That night, my brother realized
that being in the middle

... meant being surrounded

by people who love you.

Nothing felt better.

This one may just be my favorite.

Even though you said you hated me

on Mother's Day and made me cry.

I'm gonna hear about this for
the rest of my life, aren't I?

I'm sure I'll forget in about 30 years.


Hello, everyone.

We're here with the one, the only

Beverly Goldberg.

Is it true? Did Adam really say

"I hate you" on Mother's Day?

Those were his exact words.

"I hate you, Mom."

And it was particularly hurtful

because Adam was my youngest,

and he used to hang out
with me all the time.

I was devastated and cried
when he said those words.

Have you ever been
"done" with your kids?

Yes, for about two hours.

No matter what they do in
life, they're mine for life.

If you had to take a break
from one of your sons,

which one of them would
you be done with?

I thought you were gonna ask me

who would take a break from me.

You know, I've been thinking
a lot about "Willow,"

and I gotta say, the
movie stayed with me.

Me too, bro! I mean, Val Kilmer!

Val Kilmer!

That dude is awesome
in everything he does.

"Top Secret," "Real
Genius," "Lost Boys."

Val Kilmer isn't in "Lost Boys."

Of course he is.

He's the vampire with
the face and the fangs.

I will bet you 20 large that
you are dead wrong, Dave Kim.

You are so on!

We'll just go to the public
library, scan the microfiche,

and pore over every
People magazine on file.

After hours of researching
and cross-referencing, boom!

We will have our answer!

Dude, our modern world is awesome.