The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 20 - Episode #6.20 - full transcript

Back in the '80s,
before we had the Internet

to diagnose all of our illnesses,
we had my mom.

That's right.
Before there was WebMD,

we had BevMD.

My neck is killing me.

I must've
slept on it funny.

What's that? Neck pain?
Can you look down?

- Yeah, I guess.
- You guess?

Huh! We're going to the doctor.
It's definitely meningitis.

It's not meningitis!

You know who else didn't think
they had meningitis?

Your cousin Gerald.

Then it ate
through his spine,

and now he's just
a human jellyfish

they have to carry around
in a bucket!

Walk away from me.
Let me see how you walk.

Your gait's uneven.
We're going to the doctor!

And while my mother
overreacted to everything,

my dad didn't react at all.


I fell off the tree
trying to get my boomerang,

and this happened.

Just don't pick at it.
You'll be fine.

I'm going back out!

Oh! Ow!

But the worst
was when you'd get caught

their medical philosophies.

Dad, does this look normal?

Considering you're a greasy,
oily teen with a zit? Yes.

No! That is a spider bite.

My nail girl Janae's middle
son thought he had a zit,

but it was actually
a black widow injection point.

Next thing he knew,

about 100 newborn spiders
emerged from his fleshy cheek.

I don't like the spider eggs
in my face, Mama!

Murray, start the car.
We're going to the E.R.

Yeah, it's a zit.
I'm not doing that.

Mama's got you, baby!

I don't
want the spiders!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

Season 06 Episode 20
Title: "This is This is Spinal Tap"

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was April
3rd, 1980-something,

and my sister's
stalled music career

was about to get a boost.

Guys, I have insane news!

We just got
the gig of a lifetime.

We're playing The Philadelphia
freakin' Spectrum!

The Spectrum?

The Flyers Wives
have this charity

where they throw
a whole carnival.

And we got picked

to be the local band
to perform live on stage.

How did this even happen?

Word of mouth, obviously.

For sure. Also,
I submitted a demo.

Oh, my God, Geoff.

You are seriously
the most amazing

boyfriend/band manager ever.

Me, manager? Really?

You got us our big break, Geoff.
You've totally earned it.

Sweet! If there's
one thing I know,

managing my hot-tempered
girlfriend's band

could only end well.

Problem. This letter's
for you and Lainey.

Yeah, I submitted their demo
six months ago.

So now they're only getting
two-thirds of the band they want?

You suck, and you're fired!

Oh, no! This didn't
end well at all!

We are so boned!

There's no way they'll ever
want us to perform now.

Like, why not? We still totally
rock it hard without Lainey.

It's true. The Dropouts
still got the goods.

I demand you go for it!

Damn it. Our old but re-hired
band manager is right.

Our rocket ride to
superstardom begins now.

You know, I've been dabbling a
bit in documentary filmmaking.

Maybe I can make a
rockumentary about you guys,

like U2's
Rattle and Hum.

No way, nerd.

Oh, wait. Sorry.
Force of habit.

- Yes.
- For real?

Our fans will for sure want
to know how it all started.

Sweet! You get to perform
for carnies

and the Flyers'
romantic partners,

and I get to film it.

I heard "Flyers"
and "carnies."

I must be a part
of whatever this is.

They got a real gig
playing The Spectrum.

No, it's none of his business.
Just butt out, dude.

Come on! We both know
you need my fresh rhymes.

Your garbage rap
has no place in a rock band.

So what about when Aerosmith
combined their rock

with the sick rap stylings
of Run-DMC?

Doesn't matter!
You're not even in the band.

Oh, I'm in the band!

- No, you're not.
- I'm in the band.

No, you're not!
Stop saying it!

- Saying what?
- You're in the band.

She said it!
Adam's got it on tape!

It's official!
I'm in the band.

And so Barry decided
to butt into Erica's life.

Meanwhile, my Dad was facing
the decision of a lifetime.

What form you like
your pretzels in, Mur?

Rods or twists?


It's gotten to the point
where you're so lazy,

even Bill
has to get your snacks?

Hey, there's nothing lazy

about my robust
gentleman best friend here.

Thank you, Bill!
He just hasn't been able

to use his left arm
for three weeks

because of a searing,
fire-like shoulder pain.

Thank you, Bill!

You what?
Why haven't you said anything?

I just tweaked my shoulder
reaching for the remote wrong.

Don't make a big deal
out of it.

You can't move your arm.
How is that not a big deal?

It's just a tweak!

Or advanced leprosy.

Oh, no!
That's the worst kind!

Don't listen to her, Bill.

You know who else
didn't listen?

Myrna Silvman's nephew.

And the boy had to move
to a Hawaiian island

where there are
no direct flights.

In the end, he was just
an ear and a foot.

Sweet Lord! I don't want a friend
who's just human odds and ends.

Go to a doctor!

I'm not going to a doctor!
They're scam artists!

Yeah. Looks like you just
tweaked your shoulder.

Damn it! There goes another
100 bucks plus parking.

Why don't I set you up
with a sling?

Ugh. Here comes
the upsell.

I'm just so glad you don't
have to move to a leper colony

and turn into an eyeball
and a couple of knuckles.

How long have you had
this mole?

- There a problem?
- No, it's just a bit abnormal.

It's probably nothing,

but I'd like to do a biopsy,
just to be safe.

Ah, the
"just-to-be-safe biopsy."

Again with the upsell.

Your insurance covers it.

Head two doors down.
It's not gonna cost you anything.

You hear that, Bevy?

This clown's giving away
free biopsies.

show him your blotches.

Murray, this is serious.

I'm fine.
Don't spin out.

Doctor, quick question.

- Will he live?
- Yup.

Don't sugarcoat it.

Will he live?


Have you no bedside manner?

Will he live?


As my paranoid mom spun out,

I was busy
spinning documentary gold.

One, two, three, four!

♪ Girls, rise up ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Girls, rise up ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

- ♪ Girls rise up... ♪ - ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Yo, whassup, girl?

♪ Get in my Jacuzzi ♪

♪ I invited you in 'cause
you look like a floozy ♪

That's inappropriate!

♪ My name is Big Tasty,
and you just won the lotto ♪

♪ So take off your clothes ♪

- ♪ And come into my grotto ♪
- Okay, stop right now!

What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, just riffing
on your girl-power theme

with a laser-hot verse.

I'm gonna kill your face!

Come on, Erica!

Just let me
rock The Spectrum with you.

This is my dream.

Oh, my God.
You have so many stupid dreams.

- Why take mine?
- But this one

encompasses all of them.

First, I wow the crowd
with my lyrical gymnastics,

thus getting signed
to a major record label.

- That's crazy.
- Second, I drop the mic,

pick up a hockey stick.

The Flyers Wives
see my hockey skills

and immediately sign me
to their husbands' team.

That's even crazier.

I drop the hockey stick,

pick up a stethoscope,

save the charity
by curing cancer

right there on the ice!

You will not ruin
my legitimate dream

with your three
ridiculous ones.

You're not
in the band!

- Uhh! Ah!
- Ugh!

- Hey!
- I'm so sick of you!

- Oh, no! Okay.
- Ow! My ass!

His ass!

Initial thoughts?

Well, I... I'm not gonna

sugarcoat this,
'cause I love you,

but this movie's
complete hazarai.

What's that mean?

Yiddish for
"a flaming pile *** of."

I know!

Erica's band didn't even
get through one song.

If anything,
it's hilarious.

They're like
big-haired bozos

who don't even know
what words mean.

Wait! That's it!

This whole time, I thought I was
making a serious concert film,

but really, this is
This is Spinal Tap!

What is "Spinal Tap"?

This is
This is Spinal Tap!

Okay, I know I ask this a lot,
but I mean it this time.

What's happening?

It's a mockumentary
about a fictional band.

It's one of my favorite
comedies of all time.

Look, here's a sketch from TV.

You've got Nigel Tufnel,

David St. Hubbins,

Derek Smalls.

They're such British morons
that their amps go to 11

and they can never
find their way to stage.

Wait. Y... You want
to make fun of Erica?

But your whole movie's
supposed to be

about her rocket ride
to fame.

Does it really matter whose
rocket ride to fame it is,

as long as someone
gets on the rocket?

- Mainly me?
- You're very passionate,

so I'll just say,
"Go get 'em!"

Pops is on board!

Thanks for always
being there for me!

I really don't need
to come over so much.

While I secretly
turned my rockumentary

into a mockumentary...
mom had spilled the secret

about my dad's
suspicious mole.

- What?
- Hi, Murray.

It's just... so good
to see you up and about.

- Uh-huh.
- Thought you might like

a nice homemade
baked ziti tonight.


- What?
- We just want to say

that we're here for you.


- What?
- You are not alone,

Murray Goldberg.



We know about
that suspicious mole!

- Bevy!
- What is it? What can I do?

They know! They're
giving me free stuff!

I told you dumb cows
not to say anything.

And thank you all
for the thoughtful dish.

I told you
it's not a big deal.

But then you go and blab it
to your mob of yentas?

I had to, Murray.

This way,
they'll lay awake all night

full of panic and misery,
just like me.

It's the whole point
of friendship.

Fine, as long as you didn't
tell anybody else.

No one. I promise.

There's my angel
on Earth.

I might've mentioned it
to one other person.

Don't you worry, pal.

I'll marry Bev
and raise your kids as my own.

After realizing my
sister's band was ridiculous,

I became Marty DiBergi

and would direct my own
version of Spinal Tap.

So, this is where
the magic happens, huh?

Oh, yeah.
I find inspiration everywhere.

This week, I'm really inspired
by women being empowered.

I mean, take someone
like Gloria Tubman.

She discovered
the Underground Railroad

and was
the first lady to vote.

She's my muse,
which is why we dedicated

our first cassingle
to her memory.

It's called
Don't be Jealous Cuz I'm Hot.

So, how long
have you been drumming for?

Actually, I'm pretty new
to the drums.

But when I started,

it was like I'd been
drumming my whole life

in here.



Ba-boom, boom, boom-boom,
boom... boom.

I have an irregular heartbeat.

Welcome to my musical lair.

Got my many trophies
over here.

Check it!
Personal kara-te dojo.

All my sweat gear.

Wristbands, headbands,

Soaks it all up.

This is my home studio.

I got a list of words
that rhyme with other words.

Cat, bat, hat,
mat, rat...

Dude, why do you
keep filming him?

He's not even
in the band!

I'm in the band!

You're not in the band!

You're not in the band!

Get out of here!

You suck!

I'm in the band.

So, how'd you guys
get your name?

Our band name? Oh, man,
that's a crazy story.

See, we're called
The Dropouts because

we dropped out
of college.

When you hear it
out loud,

it's not really crazy
or a story.

I'm their manager.
Rock 'n' roll!

Danish butter cookie?

But that's your special tin.

It's the least I can do.

I mean, this year's
been so hard.

No one in this
family has taken me seriously

except for you.

I don't know where I would be
without your support.

I mean, you're making
a whole movie just for me.

Ohh, wow!

Ch... Ch... Chad,
maybe you should cut?

No, no, no, no,
I want this all on tape.

I love you, little buddy.

I'm sorry.
I need a sec.

Oh, balls!

Okay, this is
no longer Spinal Tap.

We are back to being a serious
rockumentary. Understand?

This is no longer funny
in any way.

Oh, ge...

Uh. I just made 1,000 concert
T-shirts to sell at our gig.

Check it.

Who's Big Testy?

Oh, no.

It implies I have
oversized private parts!

Oh, wait.


Not a comedy.
Serious stuff.

While I was
bailing on my mockumentary,

my dad was cheering himself up
with a day in the sun.

Going to the Phillies game.
See you later.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You want to bake in the stands
in an open baseball stadium

like a Wawa hot dog
for hours on end?

You mean live my life? Yeah.

Bevy, let the man
have a little fun

before he lays down
his burden.

And crosses beyond the veil.

Bill, no one knows what you're saying.
Go wait in the car.

It's fine.
Go see the Phillies.

All I ask is you take
a few tiny precautions

to protect yourself
from the sun.

Let's get this over with.

Is that you, Mur?

It is him, underneath three
layers of SPF-500 sunblock,

opera-length ski gloves,

my gardening hat,
zinc for the nose,

fetching neckerchief,

and BluBlocker sunglasses.

In case it's not clear,
I'm not going to the game.

Don't worry, buddy.

Just a regular-season game.
Not gonna miss a thing.

Phillies great Mike Schmidt
stunned the baseball world today

with his surprise
retirement announcement

before tonight's game.

18 years ago,
I left Dayton, Ohio,

with a dream to
become a major-league baseball player.

I thank God
that dream came true.

You made me miss
Mike Schmidt's last game.

Was he good?

Only the greatest Phillie
of all time!

Well, maybe
he'll change his mind

and play
more baseball games.

- Leave me be.
- Got it.

My dad wouldnever
get over missing that game.

The Dropouts had arrived

at the city's
biggest charity event.

Okay, guys,
we're rolling.

All right, time to finish
this very legitimate,

non-ironic documentary.

Everyone feeling okay?

Not at all. There's
so many people down there.

Dude, you're our manager!
Your job is to calm us down!

I want to,
but did you see the crowd?

If you're not super nervous,
you really should be.

This is, like,
a total nightmare.

They even got hockey legend
Bobby Clarke in the dunk tank!

I'm so glad
I'm not in this band

and don't have
to sing for him.

What do you mean
you're not in the band?

You made it very clear
that you were!

I never once said that!
All right?

Tell 'em,
manager Geoff!

I can't! It's too much!
I quit!

Oh, no!
We just lost our manager!

He's, like, the backbone
of this whole operation!

Okay! Everyone, calm down!

Erica, you said me supporting
you means everything, right?

So hear me now.

You were born
to do this!

What about me?

You were born, too.

Was I born?

Yes, everyone here
was born!

Okay, just go out there
and sing your heart out

so I can get
some awesome footage

for my very real,
non-comedic documentary.

Adam's right.

We got this, guys!
Rock 'n' roll!

Rock 'n' roll, baby!

Also, I'm back in the band!

Rock 'n' roll, baby!



Rock 'n' roll, baby!

Rock 'n' roll!
Let's go!

Rock 'n' roll!


Oh. Must be
the, uh, other way.

Rock 'n' roll
this way!

Rock 'n' roll! Yeah!

Rock 'n' roll!


- Rock 'n' roll, baby.
- Rock 'n' roll! Whoo!

Rock 'n' roll!

- All right.
- Whoo-hoo!

Hey. Uh, we're looking
for the stage.

Oh, you go
down that way,

turn left, then left,
and go straight up the ramp.

- There's your stage.
- All right.

Rock n' roll!

- Rock n' roll.
- Rock n' roll.


Yeah. One more lap.

- Whoo!
- Rock n' roll!

Rock n' roll!

Damn it!

What the...

How the hell you all
end up back here again?

Oh, my God! You guys
really are Spinal Tap! What?

I'm literally doing
everything I can

to not make this documentary
a complete farce,

but it's impossible
to make you look good!

Wait. That's what
you've been doing?

Making me look
like some kind of joke?

I didn't have to do much.

So much for being the one
person left who believes in me.


I found another place
that's not the stage!

Now please help me down!
I'm so scared!


I know you're mad,

but I got you a little something
that I know will cheer you up.

I went to Carvel,
and I ordered a...


- A what-a-puss?
- Schmitty-Puss.

It's a Cookie-Puss
ice cream cake

with a butterscotch mustache
made special just for you!

You didn't
have to do that.

I already moved on from
the whole Mike Schmidt thing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I went back to Dr. Emry this morning.
- Without me?

He said it's all good.

After all that, I'm fine.

Oh, poop.
I am so relieved!

You have no idea.

What are we
waiting for, Mur?

Let's go get
our Schmitty-Puss.

I can taste Mike's butterscotch
mustache right now.

Wow, your neck
is thirsty.

It's really sopping up
all this sunscreen.

Yeah, spread it around good,
like peanut butter.

What the hell's going on?

What? Just doing what
you wanted. Sunscreening up.

Carvel is down the street.

He doesn't need that much goop
to go a couple of blocks.

All right, go ahead
and pop that shirt off.

Don't want those rays
to get through.

No! Don't pop anything off.

- What the hell is happening?
- Nothing.

Did you talk to the doctor?
What did he say?

Well, the general gist is
he's got a bad mole,

so Mur's gotta go back and
have more melon balled out.

Wait. You took him
to the doctor instead of me?

- I'm his rock.
- No, I'm his rock.

You are unbelievable.

Your suspicious mole turns out
to be more than suspicious,

and you weren't even
gonna tell me!

I just didn't want you to go
crazy, like you always do.

What's crazy
about loving my family

and wanting them
to be healthy?

You made Adam think he had
a spider's nest in his face.

You told Erica that she
had coal miner's lung.

And you convinced Barry
that he had salmonella!

He did have salmonella!

He ate a raw goose egg
that he found in the park.

Barry's a moron!

But the last thing I need
right now is you spinning out.

Of course
I'm spinning out.

You're my husband!
I want to help you!

You can't.

Look, I haven't
taken good care of myself.

But I gotta deal with this
on my own.

Because you,
all you do is make it worse.

My mom realized that she had to
stop stressing about my dad's health,

so she took a more
laid-back approach.

Hey, hey! What's
the word, papa bird?

- What is this?
- It's just me. Easy-breezy Beverleezy.

- What are you talking about?
- Oops. I almost forgot.

Doctor E
gave us a ring rang,

little jingle jangle
on the Ma Bell.

What? What are these words?

Doc said you're all set

for your little
snip and stitch manana.

Not that I'm stressin'.
Ya feel me?

Actually not,
but it doesn't matter.

It's just outpatient.
Bill will take me home.

Makes no diff to me.
Cab it, thumb it.

Heck, grab
Big Tasty's skateboard

and shred
all the way home, brah.

Did you say "brah"?

Did you get hit in the head?
What's wrong with you?


Frankie says "Relax"!

Where's the beef?

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

Oy vey, Murray!

Beverly's loudmouth yentas
just told me about.

The mole.

You're harshin'
everyone's vibe, Daddy-o.

The only mole we talk about
in this house is guaca-mole.

Why is she speaking
in jive and Spanish?

I told her
that she makes us crazy

with her constant worrying.

- That, you do.
- Okay, fine!

I love this family so much,
I worry myself sick.

That, she does.

But there's one thing
I'm even better at than worrying

when it comes
to my family,

and that's kicking ass.

That, you do.

So I'm not gonna
worry about this anymore,

and neither are you,

because I refuse to let
anything bad happen to you.


But if I'm gonna change,
then so will you.

No more ignoring doctors

and not taking care
of yourself.

You're gonna eat right,
wear sunscreen...

And take a damn walk with me
once in a while.

Got it?

That is why
you're my rock.

I always will be.

Turns out my dad was
just as scared as my mom.

But with her help, he was
ready to face anything.

As for Erica,
she was ready to bail.

It's a map to the stage.

You're gonna need it.

We all agree
you got this.

Go away.

I'm not going out there.

You were right.
We're a joke.

It's my fault.

You only think that
'cause of my mean video.

It's no one's fault.

'Cause this whole
music dream of mine,

it's just
not happening.

Well, you may not
believe in yourself,

but you were right.

I really do
believe in you.

And I know you can rock
the hell out of that crowd.

Truth is, you don't even need
my sick rhymes.

You'll do great
on your own.


I would do a lot better
if you were out there with me.

Even Aerosmith needs a little
Run-DMC every once in a while.

So what do you say
we forget about my stupid song

and do a real one?

documentary filmmakers

aren't supposed to get
involved with their subjects,

but screw it!

And so Erica and Barry

got a taste
of their musical dreams

by joining forces to show
everyone in The Spectrum

how to "Walk This Way."

♪ Ahh, she starts swingin'
with the boys in tune ♪

♪ And her feet
fly up in the air ♪

♪ Singin'
"Hey, diddle-diddle,

"with the kitty
in the middle" ♪

♪ And they swingin'
like it just don't care ♪

- ♪ So I took a big ♪
- ♪ Chance ♪

- ♪ At the high school ♪
- ♪ Dance ♪

♪ With a lady
who was ready to play ♪

♪ It wasn't me
she was foolin' ♪

♪ 'Cause she knew
what she was doin' ♪

♪ When she told me
how to walk this way ♪

♪ She told me to ♪

♪ Walk this way ♪

♪ Talk this way ♪

Life is a funny thing.

That year,
my dad's big health scare

would change him forever.

But the one thing
that always stayed the same

was that my mom
would be right by his side.

As for The Dropouts,
playing The Spectrum

wouldn't just be
their best performance.

It'd be their last.

'Cause as important as it was

for Erica to achieve
her musical dreams,

she realized
it was more important

to go out on top.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

'Sup, cheerleaders?
You may have heard

about my gig at The
Spectrum last night.

It's huge news.
People are talking.

Anyway, I am
back on the market.

And with graduation
coming up,

time is running out to
score a date with Big Tasty.

Who is that? You're funny.
I like that.

How do you feel
about Olive Garden?


It's a "no".
'Cause of Lainey.

- You know Lainey?
- All cheerleaders have a strict code.

are off-limits.

- Your loyalty is very refreshing.
- Thank you.

And in the spirit
of honesty,

I really didn't
want you to say yes,

'cause I'm not
over Lainey.

I'm only here
to impress the jocks.

- They said yes!
- No. They didn't.

Also, we don't care.

Well, have a nice day,

Yeah! Ha!