The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 19 - Episode #6.19 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Ah, the computers
of the '80s.

Cutting-edge machines
with badass games

like Oregon Trail
and Castle Wolfenstein.

The graphics were
state-of-the-art and mind-blowing.

I got so obsessed
with computer games,

I even turned to
the black market.

Psst, Atkins.

Word in the halls is
you got the hookup.

Damn straight.

I got bootleg copies
of Congo Bongo, Zork,

and the holy grail
of video games.

And there it was,
the one computer game

that every teenage dude in
the '80s dreamed of playing.

Leisure Suit Larry.

The most coveted floppy
known to boykind.

This game's got booze, babes,
and bawdy bedroom situations.

- I'm tantalized but terrified.
- You should be.

We could go to jail in all 54
states just for playing it.

And it's yours
for 500 bucks.

I've got five bucks and
a gently used Ring Pop.

- Deal.
- And so I spent

the next 28 hours

guiding Leisure Suit Larry
to the promised land.

This is it!
Larry's finally gonna get lucky.

When we started this game,
we were mere boys.

But we're about to become men!

Where's the naughty stuff?

I traded a used Ring Pop
for this.

I'm back to being a boy again!
Which, honestly, is fine.

- I wasn't ready.
- Anyone here wondering

where in the world
Carmen Sandiego is?

Lucky for me,
I'd still get my computer fix

in our school's
new programming class.

Now we hit the "enter" key

and enjoy what the last hour
of programming has brought us.



I know,
it's truly exciting.

Now it's your turn.

Your final project will be
designing your own computer game.

Did he just say
something interesting?

I can't tell 'cause his voice
sounds like a robot

designed to put
other robots to sleep.

Okay, break into groups
and get programming.

I hope you all find this
project as exhilarating as I do.

Within that boring delivery was
the greatest news of my life.

I get to program my own game!

All I needed
was the perfect idea.

Let's break it down.
What do all the best video games have?

This is so hard.

Creativity isn't valued
in my household.

Well, there's always
a main hero, like Mario here.

And see those hammers?

Those are like power-ups.

Schmoo, take your
Flintstones vitamin

so you can grow big
and strong like Bamm-Bamm.

Eating my own power-up
made me realize

I didn't have to look very far
for inspiration.

I'm home!

Wait, that's it!

We'll make the game
about my insane family.

And that's
entertaining how?

I had a good day!

Don't anybody spoil it
by talking to me!

See? Every good game
has a big snorting boss

who stomps around
making everyone miserable!

And we need stuff
for our hero to dodge,

like barrels and fire and
dopey wandering henchmen.


'Cause maybe I want to sit in
that chair at some point today!

My game was writing itself.

I even got an annoying
video game theme song,

thanks to my aimless sister.

Wait. That's it!
I got my hit song!

♪ Banana, banana ♪

♪ Banana, banana ♪

♪ Ba-na-na-na-na-
na-na-na-na-na ♪

That sucks.

Yep, the Goldbergs would
become an actual computer game.

But was the world ready?

Bevy! I forgot
to take my shoes off,

and now they're stuck!

Damn it,
I'm pants-trapped again!

Eh, we'll tone it down
for America,

make 'em more likable.

Season 06 Episode 19

Episode Title: "Eight-bit Goldbergs"

It was March 20th,

and Pops was back

from another winning trip
to Atlantic City.

your favorite high-roller

is back with comps
from the casino.

And we're talking
drink vouchers, free rooms,

and front-row sets
for a band called RATT.

I understand they're terrible.
Please take them.

Hot damn, Al!

You never lose, do ya?

Come here and rub some of that
good luck off on me.

I'll do you one better.

Call your bookie and put $100
on the Flyers for us.

You got it, big guy.
Just hit me with that cash,

- and I'll give him a call.
- Put 'er on my tab.

I'm good for it.

So, you don't
have the money?

I'm just saving it
to play the ponies.

Gotta keep
that hot streak going.

- Mm.
- That lucky bastard!

I'll tell ya,
if I was an older lady,

I wouldn't mind spending
a little time with him.

This is a nightmare.

I said if I was a lady.

No! I'm talking about
my dad's gambling.

He just tried to borrow money
from Bill, of all people.

Oh, Lord, she's right.

I'm not the person
you ask for money.

My net worth is seven.

Bevy, the only thing your dad
cares about more than gambling

is doing what he's told
not to do.

Let him go to the casino.

Wait, that's it!

When he does, we'll trail him
and catch him losing big,

and then he'll have to admit
he's got a problem.

Good idea, Mur.

On your way back,
fill my car up with some gas.

- Thank you.
- Fine.

Bill will help me spy
on my father.

Wha... No, no, no.

I just came over
for some salsa.

Mur, say something.

Get me a funnel cake.
I love funnel cakes.

And so my mom dragged Bill
to Atlantic City

to see just how lucky
Lucky Al really was.

Turns out,
the old guy still had it.

Hot dog.
You're wrong, Bev.

The man's
as lucky as ever.

He's betting his watch.

You're right.
He's a degenerate.

While Pops was losing big,

I was ready to unveil a little
program called The Goldbergs.

So, it's like
Leisure Suit Larry,

where you walk around
and do funny stuff,

but in our game, it's about
having a crazy family like mine.

For example,
the overbearing smother.

She's there
for every waking hour,

and the sleeping ones,

Then there's a pants-less dad.

He only gets out of his chair
if you touch the thermostat.

And Pops,
the wise, old grandfather

who guides you through
this crazy world

with questionable advice.

Wow. This is an incredibly
skilled graphic.

I'm proud of you.

Are you?

- Is he?
- Good luck.

I hope your family will be okay
with you openly mocking them

for the sake of comedy.

Trust me, I've been
videotaping them my whole life

and they don't even notice.

What the crap?

That looks like
a computer version of me!

I don't see it.

It's says my name
right there!

You can't make a game about me

without express
written consent!

This game
isn't just about you.

It's about our whole family.

See? There's computer Dad
in his computer underpants.

Dad! Adam put you
in his stupid game,

and all you do is sit in your
chair and call us morons!

Just let me sit
in my chair in peace, moron!

It's all in good fun.

Check out the Erica
bonus level.

You throw rotten tomatoes
at her as she busks.

If you get enough
direct hits,

she stops singing
and goes back to college.

Oh, man.
Erica's garbage.

Now, this one
you totally nailed, bro.

Nailed what about me?
What! Tell me now!

Sister Erica,
how would you like to be

in a state-of-the-art
computer game...

Take me out of that,

or I'll punch
your lazy eye straight!

Well, looks like
it's game over.

Or is it?

With just a few clicks,
it's goodbye, sister Erica,

and hello, brother Eric.

If that's an option,
then change me, too!

What's to change?
You're perfect.

I know that.
But the game says otherwise.

Look at that spaz run
computer-me is doing.

I do not run like that!

Yeeeaaah, except that you do.

No, I don't!
Make me stop!

You're just making him
run faster.

Then I refuse to grant you the
rights to my likeness forever.

That's the run right there.

How does he not see it?

That's it.

I'm banning my dad
from Atlantic City,

the horse track,
and all bingo parlors.

So you want to ban the man
from his entire life?

Yes. I can ban anyone
from anywhere.

Ask Murray if he's allowed
in Sharper Image.

You did that? Why?

Because I was losing him
to the massage chairs.

Just like I'm losing my father
to Atlantic City.

It's not just
Atlantic City.

He makes bets
with my bookie.

Wait, that's it.

You'll keep taking his bets,

but you won't actually
place them.

That way,
when he loses big,

he'll keep his money
and still learn a lesson.

Truth be told,
tailing an old man to

a casino in another state

was already
a pretty full day.

So put me down as a "no".

I don't accept.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, Pumpkin!

Guess who just cleaned out
the Tropicana again?

Dad, your luck
is incredible.

I just wish there was a way
for you to win more

without schlepping
all the way to A.C.

I wish, too, for this.

You mean my dad should start
placing all his bets

with your great,
new bookie...

Bettin' Joe?

He sounds great!

$100 on
a six-team parlay...

Jets, Lions, Bucs, Saints,
Oilers, and Packers.

There you go!
If you're gonna bet six teams,

they might as well
be the worst.


Oh, you want me to...
call my bookie now.

Hello... Bettin' Joe.

Yeah, Bill Lewis.

Can I get $100
on a six-team parlay?

Yes, all the ones
that you just guessed.

He had to go.

As Bill doubled down
on the lies,

I was busy
being brutally honest

about my computer-game family.

Turn it down, dork.

I'm writing music in my head
with my eyes closed,

and you're distracting me.

I like it. That's good.

Hey, did you just type in
what I said?

Nope! You have nothing to do
with this game whatsoever.

Then what's that?

Just a random
sweat-pants-wearing couch potato

named Eric who thinks
he's gonna be a rock star.

Huh, what a dipwad.

You're still making that game?

I told you no Barry unless
he runs as fast as Carl Lewis!

Fine! I'll make you Carl Lewis!
Is that all?

Actually, I do have a few more
tiny, massive demands.

You made computer Barry
a friendless loser,

which means
you must add in the JTP.

That's four more characters to design.
Only three.

I'm sending a super clear but
hidden message to Matt Bradley.

Your demands are insane!

The whole point
is to make a game about me

and my actual family!

Oh, really?

So this is you
in real life,

a hunky hero
with six-pack abs?

My final demand!

You must re-nerdify computer
Adam in the spirit of honesty.

Look, even if I want to make
these incredibly stupid changes,

my creative team
will never approve it!

And yet, they jumped
at the opportunity.

Aw, man,
are you kidding me?

You actually listened
to this butt clown?

Barry's creative direction
of the main character

just made sense.

You monster!

How dare you force me to face
the reality of what I am!

You can't just make fun of us
and not yourself.

Fine! Then it's over!

No one will ever see
The Goldberg Game!

Oh, no...

Oh, yes. He had it.
She had it.

The Goldberg program
was everywhere!

How is this possible?

Made a bunch
of bootlegs, bro.

This game's hilarious
'cause I can wedge you

without real-world


Somehow, The Goldberg Game
was the talk of the school.

Suddenly, everyone was eager
to tell me their many opinions.

Look! It's that lazy-eyed spaz
who can't catch a baseball

- from the Goldbergs game.
- Yep, that's me.

Yo, do you really run
all the way home to poop

'cause you can't do it at
school, just like in the game?

Sadly, that's all real.

It's embarrassing
but relatable.

I'm rooting for you, bro.

You really don't have to.

Yo, I got a question.

Why did you turn Erica
into Eric? You're a liar.

Also, why's it always sunny in
the game even though it's winter?

Dates in general
are all wrong, and I hate it!

Do it better,
or we'll kick your ass!

it's just a dumb game!

It wasn't supposed to matter
this much to anyone.

Hey, bro!

Me and the JTP
have been playing your game

and we got
a butt load of notes.

No. No more notes.

But you made me shirtless
in the game.

I'm not Shirtless Rob.
I'm Naked Rob.

Take off my computer pants
right now.

And you gotta
make me taller!

It's like the one
defining thing in the game

is that I'm short, but
there's so much more to me!

Also, why am I
not in the game at all?

I am deeply hurt.

Why isn't he
in the game, Adam?

I demand you put him in
right now!

While I was under attack
from my critics,

Lucky Al's gambling odds
were growing worse.

My gut's telling me Drexel
beats North Carolina.

I'll bet a C note.

$200 on Miss Alaska.

It's about time
someone up there wins, huh?

$100 on the ugly poodle to win
at the Westminster Dog Show.

I know sumo wrestlers
are supposed to be Japanese,

but I just have a feeling
about this Swedish gal.

Lotta good horses
running today,

but I'm gonna take $100
on Last But Not Least.

Okay, stop. Just stop.

Why would you bet on a horse
with that name?

'Cause it's
a crazy long shot!

She just gave birth
and she doesn't take water,

but I got a feeling.

Dad, you lost every bet
you've made.

Clearly, it's time to stop.

Just learn
the lesson already.

If anyone's gonna learn,
it's you

when you see how much I win
on Last But Not Least!

Don't do it, Al!

That horse was 60 to 1
before it became a mama!


Easy money!

Now make the bet.

Maybe I don't understand
your plan at all,

but your dad doesn't seem to
be learning a damn thing.

Patience, Bill.

This is all
gonna be over soon,

'cause there's no way in hell
that mama horse is gonna win.

And in an upset for the ages,

it's Last But Not Least
by a nose!

I did it!

Who's the big winner

Wow! Yay!

Oh, we definitely
all saw this coming.

Bill, call your bookie.

Tell him I want my cash
in small bills,

easier to fill the bathtub!

Mmmm, you can't do that
because money's filthy.

And secondly,

you'd need at least $1,000
to fill the tub.

Good, 'cause I won $30,000.


How is that even possible?

That's what happens
when a dehydrated horse

that just had
a C-section wins.

Somebody gets paid.

And I'm somebody!


And so, my mom
owed Pops 30 grand.

Meanwhile, my sister
had this waiting for me.

All I did was come home!

How the hell could you not
put me in your game?

You said if I did, you'd fix
my lazy eye with punches!

That was before I knew
it was gonna be popular.

If you had said, "Erica",

"do you want to be
in my popular computer game?"

I would've said, "Yeah.
Whatever, maybe."

Trust me, you should be happy
you're not in it.


If this game becomes
the next Leisure Suit Larry,

this whole family is gonna be
rich and famous except for me.

And I'm the one
who loves money and fame.

It's my thing.
Babe, I just beat level five

by convincing Eric to actually
take a shower, get dressed,

and interview for a real job

instead of wanting to be
a rock star.

Not now, babe.
I'm busy yelling at Adam

for not putting me
in his game.

- What do you mean?
- Clearly, you're Eric.

No, he's a guy.

And a lazy, couch-surfing,
wannabe rock star...

You bastard!

No, no, no.
You are not in any way Erica.

I give you my word, Eric!

You just called Erica "Eric,"

as if they're
the same person.

Damn it, Geoff!
I know I did!

I am insulted
and angry and very hurt!

And I demand that you scrap
this pathetic Eric character

and put in lovable, ambitious,
multi-talented Erica!

It's too late!
The game's out there!

People really dig Eric!

Oh, I sure do.

Although I do feel bad
for his girlfriend, Geoffina.

She just kind of dotes on Eric

and gets
all bossed around and...

Oh, am I Geoffina?

This isn't about you,

And if you want to be helpful,
go get me a soda.

In the game
or in real life?


All I wanted to do

was make a fun, little game about
my life, and now everyone's mad

and wants me to change it.
Lesson learned.

I'm never gonna make anything
about this family ever again.

Here's your soda, my love.

Now I gotta go
get Eric his soda.

I really did.

While my computer game
was right on the money,

my mom and Bill
were deep in debt to Pops.

So, the way I see it,
we have only one option...

Call your real bookie,

bet a ton of money on a bunch
of other crazy long shots,

and win the 30 grand

But what if we lose?

Well, we'll just keep betting
more and more

until we're back on top.

Then we are the ones
with the gambling problem!

Hey! Who wants to celebrate
my big win

with lobsters at Bookbinder's?

- We need to talk.
- Me first.

I dug myself a really big hole
and saw no way out.

I've always been Lucky Al,

and it felt like I lost
my touch in my old age.

But with this win,

it proves I'm still me.

So, thank you, Pumpkin.

If Pops was gonna come clean,
so would my mom.

- Or not.
- Damn it, Bill!

Give the man his money!

You know I can't do that!

You stiffing me, Bill?
Uh, n-no, no, sir!

I will leap over this railing
and come at you hard, son.

- Do not leap over the railing!
- Don't leap over the rail!

Then give me my money, man.

I don't play
when it comes to my cash.

Dad, stop terrorizing Bill.
He's good for the money.

Wow! I just picked up the
phone to call my real bookie,

and he's already on the line!
What's that?

Yep, he's got the money.
Well, then, let's celebrate!

Get on your glad rags, 'cause
surf and turf's on Lucky Al!


Sweet Lord, lady.

I just wandered over here
for salsa,

and now I owe
an old man thirty G's?

That man
will learn his lesson.

Gamblers never win.

Except this time.

Yeah, it's not great.

The Goldberg Game had
officially torn my life apart.

Game over is right.

The only choice I had now
was to trash it.

Good news. I trashed
every copy of the game

so you don't have to worry
about being Eric.

Or you keep Eric,
but change him to Erica

and make her
a budding rock goddess.

No one cares about
Eric's lame music career!

I have more notes
on Big Tasty,

mainly that you include that
nickname as much as possible.

No! I'm done writing about
this crazy family! Game over!

Wait, are you talking
about your computer game?

If you're making changes,
make Geoffina less annoying.

Aw, man. I don't wanna
hear crap from you, too.


- It's good stuff!
- Good?

All computer-you does

is watch TV in your chair and
scream about the thermostat.

Classic Mur!

My God.
How are you okay with that?

Because it's funny!

Why is everyone
so damn sensitive?

Writing about Barry's
spazzy run is one thing,

but that game strongly implies
that I'm a sad train wreck!

- You are.
- Ha! It's true.

- And that's exactly how you run.
- Ha! So hilariously accurate.

Don't listen to these morons.

You keep going
with that game.

It's the best thing
you've ever made.

You're really okay with this?


I'm okay with it.

Because it's done with love.

Thanks to my dad, I realized

I had to stop listening
to all my critics

and just make something
that I believed in.

Maybe it wouldn't be perfect,
but at least it would be real.

Are you sure
about these lobsters, Dad?

This place
is very expensive.

We're supposed to be
celebrating my big win.

Dad, stop.

You didn't win anything.


I didn't place the bets

because I was trying
to protect you.

This gambling
has become a real problem.

You think
I don't know that?

Bevy, I needed this win.

I needed to be me again.

Not like this.
None of this is you.

I just thought I could figure
this out on my own.

I'm used to fixing problems
in this family,

not being the problem.

Well, now it's my turn
to help fix this for you.

♪ Hold me now ♪

♪ Oh, warm my heart ♪

I'm really gonna miss
those high-roller comps.

Dad, you're comped here
every night.

I know. It's just...

I thought I was different
from everyone else.

I thought I was lucky.

You are!

You have us.

And we have you.

And that makes us
pretty lucky, too.

That day, Pops realized there's
only one sure bet in life,

and that's the love
of your family...

As crazy as they may be.

Are you actually
playing my game?

For the record,
I don't run like that,

but it's kinda fun.

And as hard
as it is to admit,

we know you made this game
with love.

I really did,

but if writing about my life is
gonna hurt the people I love,

then, honestly,
I don't want to do it.

No, Dad was right.

It's what you do best.

And, honestly, it's fine
you changed my name.

It gives me
plausible deniability

over all the stupid stuff
I've done.

And, man, I've done
some really stupid stuff.

I'm gonna hug you both,

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

- Oh, lame.
- Enough with the hugging.

That day,
I learned what it means

when they say
"Write what you know."

There was nothing
I knew better or loved more

than the Goldbergs.

Synchronized by srjanapala

I am here
with the real Eric Goldberg.

You know, this show
is based on your family,

and Barry is Barry,

and Adam is Adam,

but how do you really feel
about the fact

that you have now become Erica
on the show?

I have plausible deniability.

I can, uh, deny all those true
Goldberg stories.

People don't realize
that a lot of Erica's stories

come from your life.
For example,

did you ever
break into a pool

and steal a knish
and get arrested for it?

Uh, true. Um,
I definitely stole a knish,

and I did
get arrested for it.

Did you ever sneak off
to the Poconos

and wreck your dad's car?

I did sneak off in college
with my girlfriend.

And the car rolled over

and my dad did have a cow
at the end

when he saw the car
with the roof crushed in.

True or false... Did you get
a fake I.D. in high school?

I did not get a fake I.D.

I made a fake I.D.

uh, with my computer
and a laminator.

Uh, it was a fake I.D.
from Illinois.

So, did you want to be
a rock star,

and can you sing?

No, this is not true.
I have a horrible voice.

you have a beautiful voice.

- Thank you.
- You'll be the rock star.

Okay, I just programmed a new
level in The Goldberg Game...

Your grade
is a C-plus, Mr. Goldberg.

I found the characters

to be unlikable cartoonish

But it's a good game!

So good, in fact, that I know
there can be, like,

t-shirts and action figures
and spin-offs.

This could be bigger
than Star Wars!

- Star what?
- How do you not know Star Wars?

It's the greatest film
franchise ever made.

Well, that's your opinion.

Rent Return of the Jedi
see for yourself.

I only see movies
in the theater.

Fine, I'll take you to see
the Star Wars prequel

George Lucas
has been talking about.

- Is it out now?
- No.

But he's been promising
to make it forever,

so it'll be any day now.

If I change your grade to
a B-minus, will you go away?

Good day, sir.