The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 17 - Episode #6.17 - full transcript

Back in the '80s,
my mom began work on her opus.

The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook.

She awkwardly pecked away
at the typewriter for hours,

carefully listing
every Parm-filled recipe

with meticulous detail.

She was so hell-bent on
making her book a reality

that she enlisted me
to take the cover photo.

I don't know.
I... I'm not feeling this.

Maybe bring
a little energy to it.

Maybe not that much.

My mom was
determined to make every recipe

a cheesy, over-sauced

Naturally, we had to be
the taste-testers,

which was exhausting
for everyone.

My belly's at full capacity.
Oh, God.

Yep, no one was
off the hook, day or night.


Gah... Mom! We're
trying to watch a movie!

And what better movie snack
than my triple-cream beef stew?

Oh, God. Please no.
I have a major lactose intoler...

Ooh, that is
rich in dairy.

Linguini and clams
coming in.


♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

Season 06 Episode 17
Episode Title: "Our Perfect Stranger"

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪
Synchronized by srjanapala

It was February
27th, 1980-something,

and my brother and I were busy

getting our daily dose
of exercise.

Okay, kiddos.

Stop with your beep-boops
and your lady-reading.

Your cousin is gonna
be here any minute.

How exactly are we related
to this schmo, again?

- You know my mom's great-aunt Rose?
- Who?

- No.
- Already bored.

Well, Rose's sister Esther
married Schmooly,

they had two sons,
Freddie and Ivan,

who each married twin sisters.

So, he's not so much
our cousin

as he is a total stranger.

Family is family.

Even if they're from
the Old Country.

We live in modern times now.

How is a country
still old? How?

That's exactly why
I brought him to visit,

so you can get to know him

and ask him questions
about life back in Russia.

Wait, he's Russian?

That means he's been bred
since birth in a KGB lab

to destroy
our wonderful democracy.

Sit down.
He's not a spy, Barry.

He comes from a tiny village
that barely has running water.

The floor of his home is dirt,
for God's sake.

How does he know when
he's done sweeping?

He never is.

Look, I think meeting
Groiseh Gleb

is just what you kids need
to get a little perspective.

Wait, what's his name?

- Gleb.
- Are you saying Glen?

No, Gleb.

As in actress Glenn Close?


So, not Glenn Close.

We've got three Glebs
in the family,

which is confusing,

so that's why everyone
calls him Groiseh Gleb.

What's "groiseh" mean?

Groiseh means
big and plump.

Trust me, you're gonna
love Big Gleb.

Of the three Glebs,
he's the funniest Gleb.

There he is.
How ya been, Gleb?


You just flew in from Kiev.

Boy, your arms must be tired.

My whole body's very tired.

You think this Gleb came
instead of funny Gleb?

Bag? Take.

Whoa! That is dense.

So. Gleb.
How are things?



Is okay?

You're family.

Our plums are your plums.


So juicy.

Nothing like this back home.

And to think, you kids just
take that plum for granted.

Uh-huh. How long's
this dude gonna be here?

Two weeks. There's only so many
fruits we can introduce him to.

We live in the birthplace
of America.

Show the man around.

I'm gonna go get him
a banana.

He'll go crazy.

And just like
that, we had to entertain

our Old Country cousin,

While my mom was busy
entertaining the Frentas

with a fancy brunch.

I mean, I knew
Babs had range,

but watching her play
a young male farmer?

I mean, transcendent.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, well, speaking of cookbooks...

Uh, no one's speaking
of cookbooks, Beverly.

We were actually just
talking about Yentl.

Yeah, well,
now speaking of cookbooks,

um, did I mention
I'm writing a cookbook?

You mean the cookbook
you've somehow managed to work into

every conversation
in the last month?

That's probably
the one, yes.

Well, I have been very busy
cooking and taste-testing,

practicing my banter

for the inevitable
big city book signings.

If you need any help
with your book,

I can slip you
my chicken piccata recipe.

I can help, too.

Sometimes I think my
peanut-butter blondies

are the only thing my
family respects about me.

They are, and that's so
generous, but this is...

a Beverly Goldberg cookbook.

I swear to God, if you say the
word "cookbook" one more time,

I'm gonna stab myself with
this tiny jam spreader!

Me too!
All you talk about

is that gosh darn cookbook

and how you're gonna be thick
as thieves with Julia Child!

All I'm saying is that
sometimes you just know

you're gonna be best friends
with someone

before you meet them, and that's
obviously very threatening

to the three of you.

It really is not!

It's just that when
we all get together,

all you do is talk
about cooking.

- Or the Bevolution.
- Or you trying to be a lawyer.


I was not prepared for
that tsunami of jealousy

coming at me right now.

I'm sorry the rest of you
don't have anything exciting

going on in your lives.

You know what?

I think you should go.

Go? It's my house!
You go!

Oh, but before you go,
which one of these

would look better on
the front of my cookbook?

- Ah! Unbelievable.
- You're the worst.

As the Frentas
ditched my mom,

we were doing our best
to get to know our cousin.

Where's unfunny Gleb?

Outside opening and closing the
garage door with the clicker.

On the plus side,
it killed three hours.

Why are we stuck babysitting
a complete stranger?

Aah! Stranger.
That's it!

Yep, Barry's brilliant plan

was inspired by this '80s gem.

Cheggit! Looks like we got our
very own Balki Bartokomous.

He lovable foreign guy
from Perfect Strangers?

Oh, yes.

And that makes the three
of us Coe-sin Larry.

Crazy as it
seems, this was 100% true.

Just like the classic sitcom,
we had a kooky cousin

from the Old Country
living with us.

Only one question remained.

But what do we need
a Balki for?

Hello? We got a dude who
will do whatever we say

'cause he's trusting and
unfamiliar with our ways.

Do what, exactly?

He's an adult man.

That means
he can buy us beer

and rent us cars
and co-sign loans.

The sky's the limit.

Come on.

Gleb won't just blindly
do whatever we say.


For the past ten minutes,
he's been listening to

that special cassette
that cleans the tape deck.

Dude, using our childlike
foreign relative

for our own selfish gain
is crossing a line.

Not to mention,
Perfect Strangers

is built on the flimsiest
of premises.

You both make good points
that are hard to ignore.

And yet, I will.

And so Barry proceeded

to Perfect Stranger
our cousin Gleb.

It just so happens,
it was on the windiest day

in Philadelphia history.

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time Whoo-hoo! ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long-lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

Don't move.

♪ Standing tall ♪

So, you are using him
as your Balki

even though
we told you not to?

- I am.
- Looks kinda fun.

It is.

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life, my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

Hanging with Gleb
turned out to be a real hoot.


As for my mom, she was ready

to make a real apology.

thank you for coming here today.

I know things got a bit
tense at our last brunch,

but everything's made better
with tea and babka.

Babka does help.

Look, you guys
are my dearest friends,

and I don't want you
thinking that I can't go

ten seconds without
talking about myself.

Well, it's only
every 30 seconds.

Oh, come on.

You all know I can go
at least 30 minutes.

- What?
- I can.

I'll tell ya what.
If you can go ten minutes

without making a single
reference to yourself...

- Your kids.
- Your opinions.

- Your sweaters.
- Your couponing expertise.

How Farrah Fawcett
stole your look.

Your matchmaking.

Let's not forget
about the cookbook.

Then you'll have
proven us wrong.

And what happens when I
immediately prove you all wrong?

Well, then, we will admit
you're right,

and then for the next
ten brunches,

all we'll do
is talk about you.

That's my dream.

Challenge accepted, suckas.


And so began my
mom's epic journey to listen.


Turns out, it was hard.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

She endured stories
about other people's kids...

other people's opinions,

other people's lives...

I'm just gonna stretch.
You guys keep talking.

And the hardest of all,
other people's cooking.

When Chad said that
my chicken was dry.



Oh, I have a cookbook
with so many recipes

that Chad would like more
than your bone-dry chicken!

Also, Adam went
to a sci-fi convention,

and Barry's applying to Penn,

and Erica, there's not much
going on there,

but she's still
a beautiful angel

and so much better
than your kids,

and, oh, my God,
that felt so good.

And you lose.

Come on.

That had to have been
at least nine minutes.

It was two.

Oh, speaking
of telling time,

you know, Murray got me this
new Swatch for our anniversary.

We're gonna go now.

No. Double or nothing?

Fine. Go.

Farrah did steal my look!

We had Perfect Stranger
ed our distant cousin Gleb,

and it was all
working out perfectly.

At least, we thought it was.

So, how's it going
with your cousin?

- Aces.
- So great.

We've been having a blast
showing Gleb around.

Like yesterday, he was dying

to drive me to the Starlog
Convention in Jersey.

Oh, and today, he insisted

on renting me a shore house
for the summer.

He's the coolest barely-cousin
I've ever had.

No! Is lies!

They treat me like idiot and
use me for your personal gain.

The sweaty boy
make me buy crossbow.

You can't have that!

Ah, according to this license,
I can.

Lady sister make me
rent beach house

so can party like NBA star.

And tiny one
make me drive him

to American virgin
space festival.

I'm just gonna assume
there's something

lost in translation here.

You raise spoiled children

who make me be Balki Bartokomous
from Perfect Stranger TV show.

You get Perfect Strangers
in the Old Country?


You play it in front of me

and say your plan out loud,
like fools!

That, we did.

What is wrong with you?

You were supposed
to get to know him.

In our defense,
our time together

was packed with kooky

and we had very little time
to dig in.

Oh, my God.

He came all this way
to America.

Show him America.

And show him,
we did.

We jetted off for
a day of bonding with Coe-sin Gleb.

We knew the guy
had a thing for fresh fruit,

so we began at
the Baederwood Market.

It made him happy.

Next, we took Gleb to see
the latest Rocky movie.

I must break you.

But the Russian lost.

It made him sad.

So, to cheer up funny Gleb,

we figured we'd introduce
him to America's

favorite Russian comedian
of the '80s. Yakov Smirnoff.

Good thing about doing
comedy in Russia,

you have captured audience.

Unfortunately, Gleb
found his act a little too real.

What's going on?

I thought you were out
showing Gleb the town.

No! First they show me
Rocky IV,

then they force me
to listen to man

who make fun of horrors
of the past.

Why? Is no humor!

Okay, well,
when he puts it like that,

it sounds like we're not
good family members.

Albert, your children's
children are people of garbage.

I have to say
I agree.

All I wanted was to
give you everything

my family never had.

But all I did
was spoil you rotten.

You got to be very careful
of what jokes you say.

If you say, like,
"Take my wife, please,"

you get home, she's gone.

Bev! Oh, wow!

You're here! Hello!

Hey, Ginzy.

Just thought I'd pop by
and return your Cuisinart.

Oh, no. Keep it.
It's yours forever.

- Have a nice day.
- What?

You're brunching.

Without me?

We can explain.


Okay, you know what?
It's fine.

Words were said,
feelings were hurt,

but I am a big enough person

to pretend that none of this
has ever happened.

Sorry, seat's taken.

But this happened.

The Frentas replaced my mom
with another yenta.

Oh, for God's sakes.

You invited Eileen Leffler
instead of me?

We just want a friend who
doesn't only talk about herself.

And she listens to us and
even asks follow-up questions.

Here's a follow-up question,

Not a lot of people came
to your New Year's party,

and I felt bad for you.

That is not a question.

It's a hurtful statement.

I cannot believe
you just thought

you were gonna replace me.

No one is replacing anyone.

There's room
for five Frentas.

Well, there's only four
drying stations at the salon.

What, someone's gonna sit
at the end

with a towel on her head,
like a chump?

I thought we would
just take turns.

Look, you are my dearest
and closest friends,

and I love you so much,

but right now you're acting
like a bunch of ****.

- Oh.
- Okay, if I may pipe in here.

I truly admire you,

and I think you
are an amazing woman,

but it seems like you're
acting like the **** here.

How dare you?


The potty mouth
on this one!

Huh? That's who you wanna
replace me with?


Well, ****

And so my mom
swore off the Frentas forever.

Meanwhile, Pops had
taken it upon himself

to show just how spoiled
his grandkids had become.

What the hell?

Why is Gleb wearing
my Flyers shirt?

Forget your dumb shirt.
Why does he have my Caboodle?

You mean Gleb's Caboodle.

Is perfect for storing
beets and cabbage.

I've decided to
take everything

I've ever bought you

- and give it to Gleb.
- What?

- No way!
- But it's our stuff!

But Gleb actually
appreciates it

and, frankly, needs it
more than you.

He needs my Chairry?

He can't have my keytar.

Gleb needs
my Nintendo Power Pad?

You mean Nintendo blanket.

This is crazy!

What's he gonna do with
a lacrosse stick?

Is perfect for
scooping up rodent

or fighting bat.

Not cool, Pops!

He can't just take my "WKRP
in Cincinnati" record player!

Is not for making pancake?

No. It's for living out
radio workplace fantasies.

And if I have to explain
that to you,

it's clear you don't
deserve it.

He deserves it
more than you.

Okay, I think if we just
calm down and take a breath,

we'd all realize that Gleb can't
take my GI Joe Space Shuttle

and Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker!

I need those to live!

I think that's
the problem.

Fine! We admit it.

We're selfish kids and we
don't know how good we got it.

Now give me back
my WWF Wrestling Ring,

or I will cry right here,
right now.

You learned nothing.

All I wanted to do was show
you kids where I came from.

It was my fault for
thinking you'd care.

Here. Take your
dog snow machine.

We have plenty of snow
in Russia.

Pops was right.

We really did need
to take a long,

hard look at ourselves.

Meanwhile, my mom was looking
for some new friends.

Hey, there's my Mentas!


You know, men yentas

who are friends also.

I just coined it.

Well, un-coin it.

What are you doing
at Bill's house?

Sure, I'd love to
hang out with you.



What's on tap for today?

Watching the big sports event?

Terrible game.

It's unwatchable.

Maybe we should have brunch.

You boys look hungry.

Got it covered.
Wing helmet.

I think I'll pass.

More for us.

So, this is your
entire day, huh?

Sure. Sitting on your
ass, eating helmet wings?

That's what Bill wanted.

It is his birthday and all.

For God's sakes,
it's his birthday?

Did you at least
get him a gift?

Of course he did.
Wing helmet.

Show her the wing helmet
again, Mur.

I don't think she got
a close enough look.

Wing helmet.
I've seen the wing helmet.

Hey, what's going on here?
It's Sunday.

Why aren't you out
eating quiche

with the ladies who walk
in front of my TV?

You know, the ones whose, uh, hair
shadows I see in the dining room.

I know who you mean.

And they don't wanna see me
'cause they said I'm selfish.

And they're right.

I've been a bad friend.

Enjoy your game.

Sorry to bother you.

Oh, boy.

The Frentas called
out my mom for being selfish.

Luckily, Beverly had a Menta
in her corner.

Ladies, it seems
we have a visitor.

This will only take a second.

Uh, Marcie, Shelly, Tabitha...

Um, I'm sorry,
I forgot your name.

You've actually forgotten
all our names.

And if Beverly sent you,
you can tell her...

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

She did not send me.

I came on my own
to let you guys know

what a great friend she is.

Who only wants to talk
about herself.

Yes. But to me,
she only talks about you guys.

Murray, it's sweet you're here
and honestly surprising

to see you out of your chair,
but we know it's not true.

Oh, but it is true.

She was so jazzed
when Jimothy

won that Flower Grower
of the Year Award.

It's Charles, and, um,
when I mentioned it to her,

she didn't seem to care.

But she does care.

And you, uh, Cindy?

Your place in Florida?

She's doing everything she can
to get me down there.

It's Essie.
And really?

And you, Patty,

she cannot stop talking
about your son Stevie

and how he can go to any Ivy
League School that he wants.

It's Geoff.
But that's sweet.

Look, I know she talks
a lot about her family.

But to her, you're family.


What's all this?

Well, we were hoping you
might like a little brunch.

But you don't need me.

And why would you?
I haven't been there for you.

And I know I always
talk about my life,

but it's just because I envy
you all in so many ways.

I just want to be
as amazing as you are.

No. You are amazing.

Now, I don't know
if you've heard,

but you're writing a cookbook.

Everybody's talking
about it.

Well, good.

Because I'm gonna need those
recipes you offered up.

I'm gonna put them
front and center.


Of course.

I mean, yes, it's
a Beverly Goldberg Cookbook,

but who's Beverly Goldberg
without her Frentas?

With that, my mom
got her best friends back.

All it took was a little help

from the most unlikely
of places.

Thanks to my dad,
the Frentas finally realized

that when it came to my mom,
they were family, too.

Is that you?

Doesn't matter.

No, it does.

You're right.

We're stupid and selfish

and have no idea
how good we have it.

Look, I didn't want you to
feel bad about what you have,

but we all dreamed of coming
here to start a new life.

Well, we really are grateful
that we have a grandfather

who was brave enough
to go look for one.

Thank you.

But I'm not the one
you have to apologize to.

In the end, sometimes
the best way to say you're sorry

is to start over.

You're packing?

But your trip's not over
for another week.

I think is nothing
to see here.

You may be wrong about that.

Is tickets?

To the Phillies game.

We wanted to show you America
can be pretty awesome.

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

Gleb ended up having
the best trip of his life.

And 'cause of Pops,

we made memories that
would last a lifetime.

That's the thing about family.

You'll find that if you just

take the time
to get to know them,

they can go
from being perfect strangers

to people you really love.

♪ It's my life, my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

This American fashion
make no sense.

Those are Z Cavariccis.

They're the coolest
in trouser technology.

But why must there
be two belts?

'Cause two is always
better than one.

Just like wings on an
airplane or a Twix.

Gleb not sure he can pull off
LL Cool J hat.

Oh, you will
with these bad boys.

But you see much less
with these.

It's not about seeing.

It's about being seen.

It seems like ugly fad

which will not stand
test of time, yes?

Trust us, G, the way you look
right now will always be cool.


There we go.