The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Sixteen Candles - full transcript

ADAM: Growing up as a
kid in the '80s, I loved movies.

Not just making
them, living them.

From unforgettable
classics like Ghostbusters,

to the action-packed
saga of The Karate Kid.

But my all-time faves were the movies
from legendary director John Hughes.

I got weird like Weird Science,
had an epic day off like Ferris,

even joined The Breakfast Club.

On my 16th birthday,
no movie felt truer

than the John Hughes
masterpiece Sixteen Candles.

You need 4 inches of
bod and a great birthday.

ADAM: Lucky for me, I
had all the bod I needed.



In fact, this birthday
was gonna rock.

I can't believe this.

They ♪♪♪♪ing forgot my birthday.

Oof. That's gotta sting.

Yep, my mom always remembered.

- Birthday boy sighting!
- Aah!

There's my little birthday
schmoo. Happy birthday, schmoo.

ADAM: And when it
came to my birthday,

I got all the attention
until the year I didn't.

You are not getting
married to Lainey Lewis.

You are a high school
senior and a tiny boy.

And you need a job!

First you drop out of
college to be a rock star,

now you're back here
driving up my electric bill!



You will get married
over my dead body.

And shame on you

for not consulting your one
true lady love of your life,

which is me.

And look at you, using
my stove and my light bulbs

like you're Norwegian royalty.

You can't be a husband,
you are still my baby Barry.

Those beautiful blond bastards,

they did nothing to
help us during the war!

Murray, stop, you're
on a bad tangent.

Focus on how she's
breaking our hearts.

Um, sorry to interrupt
your morning rage-a-thon,

but does anyone have
anything they wanna say to me?

Not everything's about you,
golden-child-who-can-do-no-wrong.

Really? Nothing else?

Ow! That thing has walnuts!

Oh, Adam, I almost forgot...

ADAM: I knew she'd remember.
It was birthday gift time.

I bet it's that fancy
editing machine I wanted.

Here's 3 dollars.

I was so busy crying about
your brother taking a child bride

that I didn't make you a lunch.

It's shepherd's pie
at the cafeteria today.

That's the worst
of all savory pies.

And no bananas till you make

- a poop-ila in the pot-ila.
- But what about my...?

Turns out I really was living
Sixteen Candles after all.

I can't believe this. They
♪♪♪♪ing forgot my birthday.

♪ I'm twisted up inside, but
nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future, but the past
Keeps getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADAM: It was September
26th, 1980-something.

Barry was happily engaged, but no one
was angrier than his future father-in-law.

Hey, Billy. Here
to yell at the kids?

Bingo! Hope it's okay, but
I've written really terrible things

to say to Barry in
order to scare him off.

You did some
homework, good on you.

Yeah. Full disclosure,

I attack his physical appearance
in a very un-Christian way.

I mean, it's no way for
an adult to speak to a child.

Hey, go big or go home, right?

Wrong!

All of our anger, guilt
and emotional terror

only makes the kids dig in deeper.
We have to rethink our tactics.

With your blessing, I am
willing to fist-fight your son.

- I mean, something like this.
- An open house?

The Goodmans are moving.

I think it's time I show those kids the
harsh realities of being actual adults.

We can put a samurai
sword on this wall.

Shark tank, shark
tank, shark tank. Boom!

Seven more shark tanks.

Where am I hanging guitars if
every wall is full of swords and sharks?

You're right. Mom, we're gonna
need a bigger, wall-ier house,

but we appreciate the
offer to buy us this one.

I'm not buying you this house.

I brought you here to show you
how much it would cost you to buy it.

Thirty-seven thousand?
Are you kidding me?

- We can't afford that, we're dumb kids.
- Exactly.

You're kids without
degrees or jobs.

You're not ready to take on
this kind of adult responsibility.

Okay, so maybe we
can't afford this house

with its embarrassing
number of walls.

All that matters is, I'm
crazy in love with this girl.

Aw, my big, hairy monster.

We can live in some tiny,
shark-tank-less apartment for all I care.

As long as it's me, Lainey
and our four snuggly, little kids.

Okay, there is no way I'm gonna
let you... Did you say "kids"?

Can you imagine all those cute,
little Barrys running around? Aw...

BOTH: Aw...

- Why is she aw-ing with us?
- Uh-uh-uh.

Little Barrys.

Oh, with the curly hair and
the squishy, husky baby body,

and the not being able
to ride the bus to camp

because you're so
emotionally out of control. Oh!

ADAM: In that moment, Lainey
discovered my mom's one true weakness,

the promise of grandkids.

That's right. Can you imagine
all those cuddly baby Barrys?

I'm imagining it
so hard right now.

Good. But the only way to
get them is to get us married.

Oh, no, you're
not getting married.

But how soon could you get
married and give me little Barrys?

What are we even
talking about right now?

The sooner we get married, the
sooner your mom becomes a grammy.

Bubby. Oh, I want
to be a bubby so bad!

Oh.

Now I get it.

It would kill my friends
with envy. That's my dream.

This is very exciting, but
let's manage expectations.

This baby thing is a ways off.

Yeah. It could be decades,
but it'll for sure happen one day.

One day is so close.

Oh, I can almost taste
the baby in my mouth.

Yum, yum, yum.

Oh! That's a tasty baby.

Oh, I wanna eat your foot.

[SPEAKING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

Baby foot, it's my favorite.

I'm gonna put ketchup
on the baby foot. Ha-ha.

Told you I could
get her onboard.

Although I may have concerns
she wants to eat our baby.

Come on.

Wait, they all
forgot your birthday?

I thought Sixteen Candles was
a delightful comedic premise,

but when it happens to
you, it's shocking and hurtful.

Your family may not love
you at all, but guess who does?

You guys just get me,
even if that isn't my locker.

What's that?

Who put this old, green,
talking puppet dog on my locker?

It's Yoda. How do
you not know Yoda?

He's awesome. But I refuse to
find common ground with you turds.

I thought this year we might actually
find our way out of the social basement.

Wait. Maybe you living
Sixteen Candles can help us.

You're under
your parents' radar,

let's use this chance to
throw a big-ass birthday rager.

We have no idea
how to throw a rager.

Lucky for you, John
Hughes already taught us.

[♪♪♪]

We're gonna relive all of the classic
Sixteen Candles party moments.

- Like what?
- I'm talking beer-can pyramid.

Pizza on the record player.
Irreparable house damage.

Somehow foam gets in your vents.

Toilet-papered trees.

And a dweeb will be imprisoned
in your glass coffee table.

- But what about...?
- Long Duk Dong? No.

There will be no
discussion of the Donger.

- I'm trying to...
- Say he's hilarious? Well, he's not.

Get off your totally
warranted soapbox, Dave Kim.

- I'm trying to say I'm in.
- Sweet!

- So where do we begin?
- No clue.

But I do know the
coolest person alive,

who knows everything
about throwing a badass bash.

BOTH: Erica.

Better.

You want a birthday rager, kiddo? I'll
throw you one that'll make you plotz.

Sweet. So, what you thinking?

We pull out all the stops.

I'm talking martinis, dollar
stogies, fan dancers. Ooh.

I got an in with the
Shorty Flanders Trio.

Yeah, we'll go to Erica.

I turned to my sister
for an electrifying rager.

But Erica was dealing with
electrifying issues of her own.

For the love of crap!

I just got the electricity bill,
and my dad is gonna kill me.

- Calm down. I'm sure it's not that bad.
- It's $906.

"For the love of crap" is right!
That's so bad and so wasteful.

Excuse you? How am I wasteful?

Maybe because you and your drummer
have incredibly indulgent energy needs?

Uh, we have to run
the a.c. and fans 24/7

because our equipment
runs super-hot.

But do you really need the sign?

Do you not want people to know the
name of our band, unsupportive Geoff?

- Your dad is gonna kill you.
- My dad's gonna kill me.

I'm gonna be the most
hated kid in this house,

even more than Barry, and
he's a high school groom.

We gotta come up with a
mature, adult way to solve this.

Erica! I need your help to
throw a reckless high school party

that Mom and Dad
can never know about.

- I'll do it.
- Seriously?

For my special guy? Of course.

Throwing a party is incredibly
risky, and if you get caught,

Mom and Dad will be livid, and you'll
be the worst kid in the house, not me.

- No, no. I get it.
- I can't believe it.

I thought you forgot
all about today.

I don't totally
follow, but I'm on it.

First, I'll get Mom and Dad out of
town, so they won't return tonight

- and catch you red-handed.
- No, I get it.

High school's gonna be as awesome
for me as it was for you. Thank you.

Don't mention it.

This timing could
not be more perfect.

No need to look my direction,
I know what's happening.

ADAM: With that, my
legendary party was on.

As for Dad and Bill, they were praying
Barry and Lainey's wedding was off.

There's our mad genius.

Did the kids learn how
terrible marriage is?

Better. I'm gonna be a bubalah,

which means we gotta get
those kids married right away

so I can get me a tasty baby.

A baby?

What kind of backwards, mixed-up
talk did you have with those kids?

Don't get all worked up. It's
not gonna happen right away.

We ran the numbers, it'll be
anywhere from 10 to three-to-two years.

- No!
- Whatever happened to the "Bevolution"?

Finding your way
without our kids?

I hereby suspend the
Bevolution. Viva la Bubby-lution!

You can't just put "lution" at the
end of a word and make it be a thing.

Oh, it's a thing.

Since we're all so excited
about it, we should celebrate.

You know the best place to
celebrate whatever's happening?

Atlantic City.

It's far enough to get away, but
close enough to be home by 10

and see what's happening here.

Yes, Atlantic City.

That is the perfect place to honor
this joyous baby engagement.

What the hell just happened?

She was supposed to scare
them off with an open house,

and now we're
eating in another state.

I'll tell you what just happened,
our moron kids are brilliant.

They used the
baby card against us.

I hate the baby card.
Also, what's the baby card?

I'm so scared and upset, Murray.

Why, hello, angry fathers.

Guess who just got Beverly
Goldberg onboard the wedding train.

Do you know what a
can of worms you opened

by promising that
yenta grandbabies?

Face it, you lost.

Now that Mom's excited about
our foolishly impulsive wedding,

you have to accept it.

The curly-haired sack of flour's
right. Beverly always gets her way.

- But at what cost?
BEVERLY: Yoo-hoo.

Look at all this stuff I've
had sealed in the garage.

You're gonna need this for
sure. It's Barry's baby helmet. Yay.

Great. Not only are we having a baby,
but its head's gonna be catawampused.

Cheese and crackers.

Ooh, look at this sign.

Oh, I'm gonna put it in the
station wagon for our trip to AC.

No need. There is
literally no baby onboard.

Not yet, but there
is a bubby onboard.

ADAM: With "Bubby" officially
onboard, it was Atlantic City or bust.

Nothing could stop them.

Meanwhile, my big birthday
rager was off with a bang.

It had all the highlights
from Sixteen Candles,

but I discovered,
when it's your house,

- it's not nearly as fun.
- Check us out!

We're fancy, big-haired
ladies like your mom.

ADAM: Just when I thought
no more damage could be done,

actual damage was done.

Oh, man. Bench press got away
from me. That's my bad, Alden.

My name's Adam, and
your weightlifting mishap

just caused major structural
damage to my home!

There's a throw rug.
I'll chuck it over the hole.

Why did John Hughes make
this seem so whimsical and fun?

Help me! I'm a human person.

Even Long Duk Dong
had more dignity than this.

[♪♪♪]

ADAM: The engagement celebration
in Atlantic City was underway,

but Lainey's dad
wasn't feeling so lucky.

- Dealer has 21 again.
- Why?!

Better save some
money for the wedding.

In that case, I'd
like to go all in.

His day's about to get better.
Look what I bought in the gift shop.

Oh, wow. That's for
a baby, which is weird

because we were very clear
that's a long, long way off.

But we blink and then baby's
here, and then there I am,

right next to you on my mom cot.

- Mom cot?
- Oh, no, not the mom cot.

What's a mom cot?

It is a cot that sits
against your bed,

so when you get tired, you
just hand the baby to me.

You expect to sleep in
the same room with us?

Trust me, you'll be
thrilled to have a bed bubby

when it comes time for burping,
bathing and poopy diapies.

No way! You are never to set
foot in our hypothetical home.

- I have a copy of the key, right, Murray?
- She made a secret copy.

Barry, can we chat outside?
I need some fresh air.

Dealer has 21.

I've lost 2 grand, and it's the best
thing that happened to me today.

ADAM: Bill wasn't the
only one on a losing streak.

I had completely lost control of
my epic party I no longer wanted.

Yo! There's the host with the most.
Hope you're digging your kick-ass party.

For sure, but also, I
don't want the party.

- What?
- Take the party, it's your party.

You asked for it,
so the party's yours.

We all know it's your party.

He's right, Erica. General
consensus is, it's your party.

No, no, that can't
be the narrative.

It is very important that this is
clearly designated as Adam's party.

Hey, everyone, let's give
it up for the one person

who we all know is
definitely throwing this party.

We love you, Alden Goldfinch!

ALL [CHANTING]: Alden! Alden!

See? They're almost
chanting your name.

Enjoy your party.

Alden! Alden!

- You the man, Alden.
- Alden! Alden!

Your mom is freaking me
out with her cute onesies

and "baby on board" signs
and celebratory casino buffets.

- This can't be my life.
- What are you saying?

I love you, but having Beverly Goldberg
as a smother-in-law will be a nightmare.

No. Don't trust your
instincts! Come on.

A romantic pushcart ride will remind you,
at the end of the day, it's just you and me.

There's my sweet,
little lovebirds.

- She found us.
- Come on, scooch your booties.

BARRY: Ow!
- You've got to try this delicious taffy.

Can't do it.

Where's she going? I can't
finish this taffy all by myself.

Forget the taffy.

You just drove away
the love of my life.

Don't worry, Mama will talk
to her and I'll fix everything.

There is no fixing this.

And it's not just Lainey.

Any girl I date will realize you're part
of the package and run for the hills.

So you're saying that I will shake the
foundation of all my kids' relationships

because I wanna be a little
involved? Is that what you're saying?

Yes. Mark my words,

I will never have babies, which
means you'll never be a bubby.

- Don't you dare un-bubby me.
- You've been un-bubbied but good.

ADAM: As Barry
was ditching my mom,

I was ditching my own
party to have real fun.

What the hell, man?
Seriously, what am I looking at?

The adventurous board
game, Fireball Island.

You made a designated nerd
area in the middle of your party?

- Yes, and it's your party.
- Not according to this sign.

- Tape it to your chest.
- No, thank you.

I'd rather hang with my actual
friends who know my actual name.

You can't beg me to throw
you a rager and then give it back.

Okay, I didn't beg you. You
did it because it's my gift.

Gift for what?

ALL [SINGING]: ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Adam ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday, dear Alden ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

Oh, I wish I had that
information before I did what I did.

- What did you do?
- What didn't I do?

This is gonna tickle you.

I may have, uh, set you up to distract
Dad from my irresponsible energy usage.

- What?!
- I didn't know it was your birthday,

so, if anything, it's on
you for having big secrets.

This is not a regular cake,
you know. This thing melts.

How could you do this?

The one thing I wanted was to be
awesome like you were in high school.

Now all I'll be is some dude named
Alden who's grounded for the year.

I messed up. I'll make it all better. I
promise, you can still be awesome.

No. The last thing I'd ever want is to
be some selfish, dropout loser like you.

You don't mean that.

I really do.

- Adam! Come on, open up.
- Yeah, little nerd, open up!

This party sucks!

ADAM: After our mom
destroyed Barry's engagement,

he figured he didn't
have anything else to lose.

Evening. I'd like a root beer
and a marker for $10,000.

Nice try, moron. You're
not old enough to be in here.

Yeah, old enough to
steal my little princess

and saddle her with a
crooked-headed infant.

Lainey bolted.
She's gone for good.

Hot diggity-dog! I'm
the luckiest man alive.

I just lost so much money, but
I'm walking on sunshine over here.

- Wait. Lainey's gone?
- Mom ran her off with her terrible ways.

- I'll help you find her.
- Help him?

- We're on the 1-yard line, Murr.
- I'm sorry,

but if Barry's gonna break up with
Lainey, it's gonna be because he's a moron,

not because his mom
is an overbearing nudge.

You really believe I can
screw this up on my own?

I know you can.

Let's go find Lainey and
make this temporarily right.

No, Murr, no. We're so close!

- Double zeroes! We got a big winner.
- Not now, I'm in a crisis here!

Please, open up.

This ponytail is the
source of all my power.

Close your eyes. I got this.

[♪♪♪]

JOHNNY: I love you.

Ew.

- You're not hot anymore.
ERICA: Adam, I'm coming in.

Oh, come on!

- Who am I now? I'm hideous.
- Little trick I learned in college.

- I locked my door for a reason. Go away.
- Not until you accept my apology.

Why? You don't mean it.

You just feel awful for trying to destroy
me with an evil plan on my birthday.

Sure.

But I also feel awful because
what you said was true.

All I am is a college
dropout who lives at home

and mooches off of her parents.

I act like I'm so cool and like I
have it all figured out, but you're right.

I'm just a loser.

No. I don't really think that.

Truth is, all I've ever
wanted to be is just like you.

- Really?
- Yes!

I stupidly idolize you.

I'd love to be cool and
have people know my name,

and have one year of school
be as epic as yours was.

Well, it is your birthday,

so I'm on it.

For real this time.

ADAM: My sister gave me
the greatest birthday gift of all.

A small taste of high
school popularity.

It may not have been your
typical rager, but it was mine

and it was awesome.

For that one night,
everyone knew my name.

John Hughes was right,

turning 16 was a lot
sweeter than I thought.

Meanwhile, Lainey had
soured on her future with Barry.

Barry, please. I'm done talking.

Then just listen, because my
dad has something he wants to say.

[♪♪♪]

If you're here to call us
morons for getting married,

there's no need because
it's not gonna happen.

You really think I'm gonna walk
through the sand with my bad foot

just to call you a moron?

Look, if you really love each other,
there's nothing you can't survive.

- Even the world's worst smother-in-law?
- Yes.

Because at the end of the day,

I know Beverly Goldberg can
stay away when it really matters.

And I know it's scary to
think of her on your back,

but that also means
that she has your back.

And trust me, there's
no better feeling.

You wanted us to break up.
Why are you trying to help?

That's what families do. And like it
or not, you're always gonna be family.

ADAM: And so, thanks
to my dad, - Come on.

Lainey decided to
give Barry another shot.

This time, just the two of them.

Oh!

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

- Really not helping, Mom.
- You're terrible.

It's true. Look, I know
I got carried away.

It's just...

all my babies grew up
and don't need me anymore.

But you made me
realize, it's not fully over.

I still have a whole new
chapter left. One day.

Well, when it does happen,
I hope you're there with me.

On a mom cot?

- Mom!
- Bevy!

We'll figure it
out, we have time.

BEVERLY: You'd think,
but it just goes so fast.

It seems like only yesterday

I was in the hospital, holding
my little Adam in my arms

for the first time, and... Holy
crap, we forgot his birthday!

We forgot Adam's birthday!

- This is gonna be a whole thing.
- Go, go, go!

ADAM: Yeah, it wasn't
the birthday I expected,

and I didn't get the fancy
editing machine I'd hoped for.

But in the end, I got
something much better.

What you doing?

Figured if I was gonna have a
Sixteen Candles kind of birthday,

I might as well see it through.

Well, did you make a wish?

It already came true. This
year is gonna be awesome.

Little did I know, this year really
would be one I'd never forget.

Mama's here, schmoo.

I am so, so sorry I
forgot your birthday.

- No, don't get on the table!
- I will never forgive myself.

Was that your wish?

[♪♪♪]

ALL [SINGING]: ♪ Happy
birthday, dear Adam ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

I'd hate to ask you
what you wished for,

probably 3000 dollars'
worth of editing equipment.

- Happy belated birthday, nerd!
- Aah!

I forgot to give you your gift of
one butt-crack-busting wedgie.

Do me a favor and back up a
bit, so you can get a running start.

You've learned to not struggle. I
see much growth since last year.

Yep, one year really
has made me wiser.

What...?

Oh, my God.

What's happening?
Help! I'm shrinking.

[GASPS]

Better luck next year.