The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Parents Just Don't Understand - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

before Will Smith was a
planet-saving movie megastar,

he was a home-grown
Philly rap star

known as the Fresh Prince.

Together with DJ Jazzy Jeff,
they took the world by storm

and made us all wanna spit
rhymes and scratch records.

No one loved it more
than my brother, Barry.

Well, this is ruined.

There's no need to argue

Parents just don't understand

I love how Jazzy
Jeff and Fresh Prince



are always super funny
and rap about happy stuff.

And yet they still have edge.

I mean, these dudes are
basically identical to us.

Really? I don't think the
mean streets of West Philly

are anything like the quiet
cul-de-sacs of Jenkintown.

Dude, think about it.

Fresh Prince raps about how he
hates homework, loves video games,

and how all parents
just don't understand.

- That does sound like us.
- Shut up, shut up!

Here comes the best part.

Okay, here's the situation

My parents went away
on a week's vacation

Dude! Stop singing my part!

Clearly, if we
were a hip-hop duo,



you would be Jazzy Jeff
and I'd be the Fresh Prince.

I don't wanna be the Jazzy Jeff.

He just stands in the
back and bops his head.

Everything falls
apart without the bop.

- Then you be him. You bop.
- I don't wanna bop.

What if we both be
the Fresh Prince?

Wait, is that even
allowed? Can there be two?

Did we just become a rap duo

whose future's so bright,
we got to wear chains?

That's for sure not the
expression, but, yes, I think we did.

Which means we need Jazzy
Jeff and Fresh Prince gear stat!

Neon, the color of the streets.

Ugh, too bright.
Here, try this on.

What's wrong?
This shirt costs $20.

This shirt is plaid
with a butterfly collar.

What are you doing?
You'll ruin my rep.

You're only 16. You
don't have a rep yet.

Let's put these
clothes back, please?

No. You go to school to
learn, not for a fashion show.

Here, try on these
double-knit, reversible slacks.

Oh, balls, no!

She'll never understand!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was December
6th, 1980-something,

and Erica was feeling the
freedom of life at college.

- Well, sort of.
- Hey, Erica.

Don't you "Erica" me, Erica.

Your mom's left
like 50 messages.

Fifty? Please.
Don't be so dramatic.

You have 49 new messages.

Told ya.

Hey, Boopie! It's Mama! Haven't
heard from you this morning.

Call me!

Hey, it's me again.

Thought I'd check in on my
only daughter and light of my life,

who may be in great danger.

Erica, please pick up the phone.

It's 2:20, and I'm starting to wonder
if you've been attacked by a bear.

- Are there bears here?
- No.

It's 5:23,

and I need to know
where you are!

I've taken a few deep
breaths, and I'm good.

Now I'm hyperventilating.

Call me!

Call me!

Dear God! I literally spoke
to that woman a few days ago.

Look, moms worry.
It's, like, what they do.

- Just pick up next time.
- No!

If I talk to her once a day,

then she'll want to talk once
an hour and then once a minute.

When will the madness end?

I don't think it ever will. Your
life's gonna be really bad.

Argh!

Hello?

Murray, she picked up for a
split second and then hung up.

There's only one explanation.

She doesn't wanna
talk to you. Go to sleep.

No. She was obviously
eating a hard candy,

and it got lodged in her throat.

And when she grabbed the
phone to call 911, she passed out!

What kind of college has
hard candies lying around?

You don't know! There
could be a lobby with a dish.

Are you watching that
S.O.B. Phil Donahue again?

He did an expose on
choking hazards, Murray.

Did you know that hard candy
kills more people than smoking?

That gray-haired bastard.
All he does is make you worry.

When Erica lived here, she was
fed and clothed and had easy BMs.

Now I don't know what's
going on, and it's torture.

Are you sleeping?

I'm up!

- Who's locked out?
- What?

You said... Um...
Someone's locked out.

No, you fell asleep again!

While my mom was
failing to reach Erica,

me and my big bro
were brainstorming ways

to reach rap superstardom.

As you all know, Fresh Prince
has what we in showbiz call "It."

- Love him.
- So approachable.

My mom knows his aunt
and hears good things.

The secret behind
Fresh Prince's success

is his rhymes are always
about funny, universal topics.

Example. Parents
just don't understand.

Naked Rob, do your
parents understand?

No, they don't.

They said I should at
least wear flip-flops outside.

Naked Rob don't do flip-flops.

Gah! I'm super
fired up and angry,

'cause they refuse
to understand.

Which means all we got to do

is write a song that speaks
to every kid our age, too.

Easy. Let's do a song called
Grown Ups Just Don't Get It.

That's kind of just
another way of saying

Parents Just Don't Understand.

Okay, what about Parents
Just Do Understand?

Yeah, but we flip it so it's
Parents Don't Understand.

Oh, my God. That's just
the same song as theirs.

Fine! Then double flip it...

Children Just Do Understand!

And what do we understand?

That all parents
don't understand.

- We did it!
- No!

We just keep circling
back to the same thing.

Hey, moron, trying to eat an
Eggo, and I can't hear myself chew.

But we're coming up with
a multi-platinum rap single.

- I do not care.
- But we need to record a hit demo.

- Don't care.
- But there's a recording booth at the...

- Don't care.
- But we...

- I don't care.
- Why don't you...

I literally do not care. Go
out and rap to the trees.

- Go!
- Fine!

In that moment,
our grumpy-ass dad

became Barry's inspiration
for our new hit single.

Wait! That's it.

We're not gonna do
a song about parents.

All we need is one parent.

Dads Just Don't Care.

Oh, that's so true.

And brilliant, 'cause your
dad really doesn't care,

'cause he's given up on life.

JTP, drop a beat.

Time for Fresh Prince
to bust some sick rhymes.

And Jazzy Jeff to listen
to only one headphone

- for some reason.
- Let's get it.

And so we got to work
on our rap masterpiece.

Meanwhile...

Geoff Schwartz, get in!
Erica's in grave danger!

- Seriously?
- Not yet, but she could be.

But we won't know until we
call, and by "we" I mean "you."

Oh, God, oh, God,
what's happening?

- Just get in the damn car!
- But my cello!

There's no time! Let's move!

It was Geoff's
worst nightmare...

Erica was far away and helpless

and obviously in great danger...

I'm so scared!

Until he realized she wasn't.

So, just to be clear, you
want me to talk to Erica

in front of you
while you listen in?

Don't forget this
list of questions.

Make sure to read
them word for word.

- Ooh. It's ringing.
- Wait.

This feels a smidge
super dishonest,

and I'm not sure if I'm
comfort... Hey! It's Geoff.

Uh, I don't know if you're screening,
but give me a call back, and...

I'm here. Sorry, just
dodging my insane mother.

- You get it.
- No!

No. Totally disagree.

- She's the coolest.
- Um... Okay.

- So, what's going on?
- Not much, just...

Here in my home, in...

In my house, where...
Where I sit currently,

- on my bed, in my room.
- Your room?

I thought your parents
took your phone away

because of our
long-distance bills.

I just got a new one.

It's yellow, and it's real.
And how are your booms?

- What?
- Your booms.

Are... Are... Are
you going boom?

Because a healthy
girl goes boom.

Ew. What the hell, dude?

I'm sorry, does that mean
that you're not going boom?

Just answer the question.
I'm so sorry about this!

Forget the booms. Move on.

Let's talk toenails. Are you
clipping your toenails the right way?

Because curved
clippings make ingrowns.

Oh, God, this is hard.

- Did someone else pick up?
- Nope. Ignore that.

It's just me in my house alone.

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello?

- Say something!
- Hello?

- Hello?
- Barry?

Did I dial you? That's so weird.

I don't even know your number.

What? No. Geoff dialed me.

- Geoff?
- Yep!

Barry's here, too, hanging
out with me in my house.

- JTP!
- Can you guys get off my line?

I'm trying to call the library

to find out what things
rhyme with "Father."

"Bother!" Now get off the phone!

- Oh, God.
- Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello?

- Adam?
- Hi, Mrs. Geary, is Jackie there?

It's Erica, dorkus. Why are
you at Geoff's house, too?

- Geoff's house?
- Yeah, my house!

Go do nerd stuff at
your house, Adam!

- I'm panicking.
- Keep cool and ask the questions.

Uh, how deep are you going with
your Q-tips when you clean your ears?

- Just tell me right now!
- Pretty deep, bro.

- Not you!
- Just stop, Geoff.

I know you're in my
kitchen with my mom.

No! No.

I'm just here at the Schwartz's,
having tea with Linda.

Yeah. Our... Our lines
must've gotten crossed.

Mom, don't ever call me again!

- Bye, Geoff.
- Bye, baby.

Well, Geoff, you really
screwed the pooch on this.

You know, that cello
actually belongs to the school.

- Gentlemen of the JTP.
- JTP.

Thank you for joining us

for what will be the most
important musical event of your lives.

Better than when we saw the greatest
bands in the world play Live Aid?

One thousand per cent.

I literally stake
Adam's life on it.

Wait, what?

Now, here's a little
story about our dad

He calls us morons
when he gets real mad

He doesn't wear pants,
and he sits in a chair

You know what I'm
sayin'? Dads just don't care

Okay, here's a situation

Our dad has a
problem with flatulation

He doesn't care
about anything, for real

I got an "A" on a test,
and he said, "Big deal"

He has no worries,
he has no fears

He hasn't seen a
doctor in 15 years

If we come to our
dad and we need to cry

He says, "You're ruining
this episode of Magnum, P.I.

"Can't you see I'm busy
and don't wanna be bothered?

"Sometimes I ask God
why he made me a father

"Now leave me
alone and go upstairs"

You know what I'm
sayin'? Dads just don't care

If you don't know our
dad, Hey, don't worry

Last name Goldberg,
first name Murray

Most dads play catch
and throw around a ball

But our dad doesn't
care about his kids at all

M to the G-berg! What a failure!

Adam! Look!

We blew them away!

Dude, I got to be honest.

This song is very
mean and hurtful.

Yeah. I think what
happened here is,

you two were egging each other on
in a vacuum and lost all perspective.

But good news is,

you were smart enough
to run it by us first.

That would have been smart,

if we hadn't already
given our dad a copy.

Yes. That is what we did.

What the hell is this?

Hey, look who's watched a
copy of our latest work in progress!

You guys think I'm a bad dad?

Not you specifically.

The song's called
Dads Just Don't Care...

- All dads.
- You say my first and last name.

You're literally shoving
me into the garbage.

True, true. We did do that.

Come on, it's just a goof.

We bust balls, we
have fun. You get it.

Ha! I get it. And you know what?

Go yourself.

Whoa!

You guys think I nap
because I'm lazy?

No. I nap because I work
my fingers to the bone

so you little can have
your dumb tennis shoes

and your expensive cameras.

Uh... I feel like we should go.

No, you little
need to hear this.

That day, my dad
did the one thing

every parent
wishes they could do.

He called his kids out for
being spoiled and ungrateful,

pulling no punches and
speaking from the heart.

For my dad, it
was a taste of glory.

And if you remember one
thing from this conversation,

let it be this...

It seems Dad cares a
tad more than we thought.

Yeah.

I kind of feel we should
cut his name from the song.

Erica may have hung
up on my mom forever,

but little did she know,

Beverly Goldberg
always stays on the line.

Okay, we've got the party ball,
the Solo cups, the black lights.

- Now we just need a theme.
- It's our first major rager,

so we got to go,
like, stupid big

so the campus knows
we mean business.

So, I was thinking, "King
Tuts and Egyptian Sluts."

Delta Phi just did "King
Tuts and Egyptian Butts."

Wait, I got it.

- "Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum."
- Oh, my God.

I have, like, the best
Cyndi Lauper dress ever.

Srini? I can't hear
what she's saying?

Get me closer!

Is someone, like, spying on us?

Stay here and don't speak.

Is that my mom on the phone?

No!

She got you to spy on me?

Why won't you
just call her back?

You know she worries!

Srini? Why don't I hear voices?

Ditch my mom and
help us throw this party.

Erica! No! What are you doing?

What's happening?
This silence is killing me.

Will my name be on the flier?

Whatever, sure. Your
name will be on the flier.

In a corner. In
much smaller letters.

Yes!

Now get on the phone and tell
that woman that everything is fine!

Hi! Sorry for the silence.

It's 'cause Erica
started to sleep.

Sleep? It's only 8:00.

See? You worry
for nothing, lady.

Anyway, I'm co-hosting
a party, and I have to go.

Did she get you on her side

by offering to let you
co-host her party?

She knows! How does she know?

Srini, what is she doing to me?

Damn it.

Murray, Erica's
throwing a party.

And I'm spinning out.
We all got our stuff.

Donahue did a show about
the horrors of college ragers.

Did you know that a
keg can roll over a kid

just like the boulder
in Indiana Jones?

- What should I do?
- Don't ask me.

The boys just wrote a song
about what a garbage dad I am.

Oh, please, stop overreacting.

Now, where are my keys? I
got to drive to DC and save Erica

before Donahue
does a special on her.

While my mom
overreacted in a blind panic,

Barry's eyes still hadn't been
opened by my dad's angry rant.

What up, JTP?

JTP.

Okay, what's the deal?

Your "JTPs" have been
low-energy all week.

When your dad chewed you out with
those R-rated Richard Pryor words,

it, like, changed us.

Yeah. I realized my old man's
more than just a landscaper

who punches holes in the
wall when the Eagles lose.

He's a hero.

This morning, as my dad was
leaving for his desk job at the bank,

I just hugged him so tight.

I got my dad flowers,

and he was like,
"What's wrong with you?"

And I was like, "I see you."

And then he broke
down crying in his car.

What is happening right now?

I'll tell you what's happening.

- You have to apologize to your dad.
- You guys are right.

Our only choice is to suck it
up and do the mature thing...

Write another rap.

You sure, Bar? Maybe we should
just be a normal family this one time

- and say sorry?
- Never.

Think about it. What better
way to get us out of trouble

than to do the exact same
thing that got us into trouble?

So we rap about the ways
Dad doesn't totally suck?

I'm on it, DJ. Drop
an apology beat, JTP.

We all really think you
should just say sorry.

- Right now.
- Okay.

And so Barry whipped
up a hot new verse.

Meanwhile, my sister's wild
"Girls Just Wanna Drink Rum" party

was out of control.

It was wall-to-wall Cyndi
Laupers grinding on drunk frat boys

dressed as her MTV music-video
sidekick Captain Lou Albano.

I'm gonna live forever!

This party is out
of control, Erica.

How many people did you invite?

Who cares? Let's get gross!

Come on! Someone
stole all of our CDs

and punched a
hole through our wall.

- We got to shut this down.
- As if.

Let's do things tonight
we'll regret tomorrow!

Girls just wanna drink rum!

What did she say? "Girls
wanna drink rum" or "have fun?"

What? Ugh. Gross.

Stop it. Oh!

Loose keg. Donahue was right.

Mama's comin', baby.

Erica, you need to get down.

Oh, my God. Listen to yourself.

You sound just like a mom.

Yep, Erica would
hate to admit it,

but she couldn't help
but go into full Bev mode.

Enough. My neighbor's
gardener's son fell off of a dresser,

and now he spends his
whole life with a comfort dog.

It's true.

He also does swim therapy

and fist fights with
his own shadow.

- Hi, sweet face.
- Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

Worrying! And it's
a good thing I was,

because this
party is out of hand.

You have to stop calling
and worrying all the time.

I just need to know that you
are safe and snug and okay.

Everything is 100% fine.

Someone broke the dresser.

It was me.

As Erica finally broke
through to our mom,

me and Barry were ready
to bust out our latest apology.

Hello, Father. We see you're
enjoying your nightly snack

of Snyder's hard
pretzels and milk.

However, we'd like a moment.

As you know, yesterday
some things were said,

mostly by you, in a
mean, shouty way,

but we're here to make it better
through the healing power of rap.

It's fine. Just drop it.

"Drop a fresh beat," you mean.

DJ Ad, play our latest
video for our hero M to the G.

Okay, here's the situation

We may have made a
few harsh accusations

But our dad cares
about us in many ways

When we go out to eat,
he's the guy who pays

And he buys us clothes
and books and more

He'll even buy the stuff
that we break in a store

When it comes to spending
big, our dad's no fool

That's why he put us
both in private school

Our dad pays for stuff!

After those super-kind rhymes,

our dad was sure to forgive us.

- No.
- No?

The only nice thing
you can say about me

is that I pay for stuff?

- What am I, a bank?
- Banks are awesome.

They have unlimited
money and lollipops.

I know what a bank is!

All the tellers are
named Debbie.

They can turn your
dollar bills into coins.

Can we stop talking about
banks? I'm good. I don't care.

But you do care.
That's clear now.

Look, I had a dad
who really didn't care...

About me, my brother,
pretty much anything.

I just hated him for it.

When you guys were
born, I promised myself

I'd do anything
not to turn into him.

And if this is how you
see me, I guess I did.

We had insulted
our dad yet again,

so Barry and I took one
last shot at saying sorry.

Hello, Father. We see you're
enjoying your morning meal

of Steak-umms and eggs.

However, we'd like a
moment of your time.

No, damn it. Move it along.

Don't worry, we're not busting
any sweet rhymes this time.

We're just gonna
speak from the heart.

- That sounds worse.
- Look,

are you the perfect
father? Not even close.

You're way too loud.
You're constantly aggravated.

You're super gassy.

You once fell asleep during
a parent-teacher conference.

You once fell asleep
at Thanksgiving dinner.

You fell asleep at a
stoplight many times.

You've got a real
problem with sleep, man.

- Are you done with your apology?
- No.

You may be all those things,

but you're also the most
dependable dad any kid could ask for.

We know, at the
end of every day,

you're gonna be
there in that chair,

without pants on, making
sure we have food and clothes

and whatever
stupid thing we want.

We know you're
always gonna protect us

from the world, from
ourselves, from anything bad.

And no, you're not
perfect, but you're our dad.

And we love you.

Let's just forget about
this and move on.

You okay?

Get out of here.

Or we could give you a big hug.

Do not hug me.

Don't... What are you...

- You guys are morons.
- We know.

Turns out, we didn't need some
epic song to win our dad back.

As for our mom, she
finally was able to see

that perhaps she didn't
need to worry so much.

Here, try Bevy's
secret hangover recipe.

Why does it smell like fish?

That's the shrimp.

It's the aspirin of
the sea. Drink up.

You're, like, the best mom ever.

In that moment,
my sister realized

she really was
lucky to have a mom

always waiting on the
other side of the phone.

Well, I guess you were
right to come up here

and check in on
what an idiot I am.

No.

You were the only one taking
care of things around here.

I was so worried at
the party last night.

And if that's even a fraction
of what you feel for me,

then I'm sorry.

Look, all I want is to
know that you're okay.

So how 'bout this?

One call a night.

All you have to say
is, "Mama, I'm good."

That's it? Just three words?

Honestly, that is all I need.

I think I can swing that.

Truth is, it's not the parents
that don't understand.

It's us kids who don't get where
our parents are coming from

and how hard it can be.

Now that you know we
love you, just admit it...

Our video's awesome.

It's all right.

In the end, the best
way to be understood

is just to let your
family know you care...

Even if it's just
a quick check-in.

- Hello?
- Mama, I'm good.

Goodnight.

Night.

'Cause we can all
sleep easy knowing

there's someone out
there who loves us,

no matter what time it is.

Adam, it's Mom. Give me a call.

Call me back.

I'm worried to death.

Call me immediately.

I haven't spoken to you all day.

I didn't sleep all last night.

If I don't hear from you soon,
I'm getting on the next plane.

Remember me, the woman
that gave birth to you?

I love you. It's your mom, and
I'm looking at plane tickets now.

It's finally here...

The Goldbergs
Mixtape, our first album,

including classic
hits like Ferris Wheel.

Ferris, Ferris wheel

Plus Love Ninja, Eternal Flame,

Barry is the Man,
Bad Boy, Good Guy,

Judah Macabee, Dinosaur Hunter,

the awesome cover of Tom Sawyer,

We're Playing D
& D by Kurtis Blow,

and many other awesome songs
that mock our super-lazy father.

So wake up and buy it now!