The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Revenge O' The Nerds - full transcript

With the children growing up, Beverly decides to reinvent herself and quits being a substitute teacher. She decides to focus her energy on going to night school so she can eventually own her own business. Murray doesn't like change or things costing money, so he convinces her to get a perm instead. Meanwhile, Erica struggles to balance her academic and social life in college and needs Adam's assistance.

ADULT ADAM: '80s video stores.

They were heaven for movie lovers,
no matter what you wanted to watch.

And for me, I wanted college
comedies, like Back to School.

Hey, Dad, when
you were in college,

did you ever build a
Jacuzzi in your dorm room?

- No.
- ADULT ADAM: Or Real Genius.

Hey, Dad, did you
ever use a laser

- to fill a house with popcorn?
- No.

course, Animal House.

Hey, Dad, ever put a horse in
your crusty old dean's office?

Will you pick a movie already?

I got Chinese food
stinking up the car!

Revenge of the Nerds it is.

I hear the 10th viewing

is when you really start
noticing the nuances.

ADULT ADAM: While I was
living the fantasy of college life,

my sister was living
in the harsh reality.

"F"? Wait. Um, Professor?
How is this even possible?

Oh, well, that's easy.
You weren't here for it.

Son of a... While
true, not my fault.

See, I've been intensely
focusing on my music

instead of school work.

Sounds like it's
completely your fault.

Please, I cannot
fail Intro to Film.

Well, I suppose on the off
chance you aced your midterm,

you might pull your
grade up to a D minus.

- Yes! I'm back in the game.
- Great. It's due tomorrow morning.

Oh! That's not
gonna work for me.

A bit of good news.

I booked my first real gig tonight,
the big kegger at Kappa Mu.

It turns out that the Styx
cover band Twygs bailed,

and they found
my flyer in the trash.

Well, that changes everything.

Except your grade,
which is still an "F."

- No, no, no, no. All good.
- Good luck.

Oh, I don't need it.

I am gonna ace this sucker,
because I love movies.

Who do I know who loves movies?

person jumped to mind.


Me! I was a legit,
die-hard film geek

who obsessed over every
little detail of every single movie.

your hands, everybody

And, everybody, clap your hands

We're Lambda Lambda
Lambda and... Omega Mu

- And we've come here on
stage tonight - (PHONE RINGING)

To do our show for you


Oh, thank God. Just the
wonderful man I was looking for.

You do know this is Adam, right?

Of course. I was
just calling to check in

on my handsome guy
who knows how to type.

Speaking of, do you know anything
about the movie Blade Runner?

You're jumping around a
ton, but it's one of my favorites.

- Come visit right now.
- Seriously?

Totally. I miss
you, like, so much.

- That makes my heart happy.
- Okay, great.

Get your little tush on a
bus, 'kay? Bye-bye now.

Did your sister just
invite us all to college?

Let the roller coaster
of self-discovery begin.

If you guys are coming,
you've got to play it cool.

The coolest.

We're going to college!


October 18th, 1980-something,

an otherwise average
morning in the Goldberg house...

Until this happened.

I did it.

I worked the computer all by myself
and made my first official résumé.

What do you need a résumé for?

Da-doi! For the Bevolution,

my new chapter in life, where
I move beyond being a mom

and start trying new
things, like saying "Da-doi!"

- Doesn't work.
- Just horrible.

And now I know.

But you already have a
job. You sub at the school.

Please, I only did that
so I could stalk the kids

during school hours.

You swore taking that job
had nothing to do with us.

I was lying. Da-doi!

Nope, still doesn't work.

Point is, that job
was all about you.

The Bevolution is all about me.

Okay, you wanna
change? I got it.

Instead of parming shrimp,
parm some delicious crab.

Or some of the big shrimp.
You know, the big ones?

You dip them into the red sauce.

The big ones. They're
thicker and bigger.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm trying to help your wife!

The jumbo kind of shrimp,
you know, you eat them cold,

you dip them into
cocktail sauce.

Please stop talking
about big shrimp.

I need real ideas
for my next big move.

What do I do? Who do I become?

Oh, I know. A whale trainer.

Your mother doesn't
even like to get her hair wet.

She's not gonna
ride some stupid orca.

Orcas are the
nursemaids of the sea.

What do you know? We
went to SeaWorld once.

Big Tasty knows everything
there is about whales.

You tell me something I don't
know about those dumb fish,

and I'll leave you
alone. One thing.

Did you know whales
age in reverse?

That's what you know?

Shame on you for
wasting my time.

Shame on both of you.

I'm trying to
change my life here.

So am I. All this talk
about shrimp and whales

has gotten me pumped
up to start a Barry-olution.

What are you talking about?

Last year, I had Lainey
and I was popular.

This year, I'm garbage.

If Mom can change, so can I.

See what you started?

What I've started is a journey
towards personal growth.

And if you won't
help me figure it out,

I'll go to someone who will.

John, I'm embarking
on a Bevolution.

I would like you to be my guide.

This will, without a doubt, be the
most important meeting of your life.

I'm already in a meeting.

It's cool. I'll leave.

It's just, for the first time ever, I
was thinking about going to college.

- Please leave.
- That's the point, John.

If the Bevolution is successful,
I won't be a sub here anymore.

As in, you'd quit?

Sadly, if I get another job, I shall
never grace these halls again.

Atkins, out.

This is on me for opening up.

My God. It's always been my
dream as a guidance counselor

to actually one day
guide somebody.

What's next?

Read this.

BEVERLY: What Color
is Your Parachute?

(CHUCKLING) I don't know.

"A practical manual for job
hunters and career changers."

And from what I've
read on the back cover,

a lot of people think
it's a game changer.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
buckled up for some big life changes,

my friends and I were ready for
the college weekend of a lifetime.

What's with the freak show?

I brought my whole crew.
Thought they could share

in the weekend's Animal
House style shenanigans.

Can you point us to the nearest
bikini car wash/anti-war protest?

Uh. Yeah, maybe in a few hours.

I've got this paper
on Blade Runner.

What? You get to write
papers on the best movies ever?

Yep. Just seven more pages left.

Should be done by morning.

Well, what if we helped?

Really? You'd help me by
sitting here and writing it for me?

That's a brilliant idea.

I do have many strong opinions

about Harrison Ford's
treatment of replicants.

- I call footnotes!
- Great.

You work and I'll go get a fresh
batch of books from the library.

Let me just get this musical
equipment out of your way.

Seriously, Erica, it means so much
that you asked me down here to hang.

So much.

Yeah, it's really
worked out for all of us.

You are such good person.

See? The weird kid gets it.

Look. Jolt Cola. We
can stay up for days.

Fine by me. Just
write the paper.

Attention, JTP.


The time has come
for a Barry-olution.

I don't have time to
explain what that means,

but I am guaranteed to be the
sexiest man in all of Jenkintown

after my awesome transformation.

I think you should be
happy with the way you are.

You're amazing, man.

Save your kind words, Matthew!

I was up all night

studying the coolest specimens
in the history of mankind.

As you can see, they
have one thing in common.

Behold their
untamed curly locks.

- Whoa!
- He's right.

He cracked the code.

According to my calculations,
if I join this exclusive club,

I am guaranteed to have the
greatest senior year in history.

Dude, that's impossible.

You can't just go out
and get Bon Jovi hair.

Can't I, Naked Robert?

The Toni Home Perm.

My uncle uses that,

and he once got confused
for John Oates at the airport.

My point is proven.

Time for the
Barry-olution to begin.

The directions say the
longer we leave the curlers in,

the tighter the perm will be.

Like the saying goes,
more curls, more girls.

I don't think that's
a saying, dude.

Do it!

You are going to love how
the pain makes you feel pretty.

I can feel the beauty
burning into my scalp.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I've just finished the first
two chapters of a book,

and I've decided I'm
going to go to night school

and start a career.

Yes! This is such an
exciting day for everyone.

Did you say you're
gonna go to night school?

That's right. School at night.

But isn't night when we
have dinner and watch TV,

and then have
dessert and watch TV?

You can watch
Airwolf without me.

Also, cook and tidy up and
help the kids with their homework.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my dad
knew in order to maintain his easy life,

he'd have to divert
my mom's focus.

So, he improvised.

Look, I love everything
that you're saying.

But why change a little,
when you can change a lot?

That's right. I'm talking hair.

My hair?

Yeah, everyone knows
your giant, golden hair-dome.

It's your thing.

Well, I have had this exact
hair since I was a tiny baby.

Well, you know what they say,

"Real change starts
on the outside."

(SIGHS) I have heard
something like that.

It's true. Why just spend
all that time at night school

when, in just one night,
you can change everything?

my dad convinced my mom

to kick off the Bevolution with a
bigger, bolder, and curlier change.

Oh... (BLEEP)

Is that good or
bad? It's bad, right?

I can feel it still tightening.

No, no. I love it.

Really? I look like Babs?

Total Streisand!

You look like a
beautiful bag of springs.

I knew it.


The dog seems agitated.

Yeah, Lucky doesn't like change.

But I do. Love the change.

Thank you so much, sweetie.

I'm gonna make you
your favorite dinner,

cheesy sausage casserole.

Whoo-hoo! Everybody wins.

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
encouraged my mom's curly mop,

my friends and I were
soaking in a crazy college night.

Stop crowding me, guys.
Everyone's voice will be heard.

Oh, barf, you're here
already? Where's your sister?

She's in a towel.

Like, hello?

- I have a girlfriend.
- I don't. I'm Dave Kim. 'Sup?

Not now, Dave Kim.

She said she'd be right back.

Really? I thought she was
playing at Kappa Mu tonight?

Wait. She went to a party without
us? Why would she do that?

I'm thinking if she didn't tell
you, maybe I shouldn't, either.

But it's gonna be bananas.


So, Erica didn't miss me at all?

She's only using
me for my nerdery?

Sorry, man. Guess it
was too good to be true.

- Maybe it still can be true.
- How so?

Well, if we know one thing
from our favorite college movie,

it's that nerds always
get their revenge.

It might be the Jolt Cola
coursing through my body,

but I am an unstoppable force!


Okay, here's the Kappa
house as I see it in my head.

Here's the Jell-O
wrestling ring,

the beer fountain, the
baby-oil wrestling pool,

dry T-shirt storage
for wet T-shirt contests,

and finally, the
pillow-fighting pit.

ALL: Whoa.

Maintain focus.

We then proceed past
Erica, up the back stairs,

and you know what happens then.

- Oh, yes. Pantry raid.
- Yes.

- Wait, what?
- We steal their precious food?

Dude, it's not a pantry raid.

In the movie, they
steal underpants.

Just follow me.

If we stay low and move fast,

this will be the greatest
night of our lives.

Time to show college what
we're made of, gentlemen.

had permed himself up

and couldn't wait for his
new 'do to do its magic.

I don't know. My perm just
doesn't seem that perm-y.

I'm gonna be real here. Your
hair looks exactly the same.

Yeah, like a Brillo pad went
to town on a lasagna pan.

Or the beginning
stages of a Chia Pet.

I've always seen it as
a jacked-up bird's nest.

Well, I will never live a
life with semi-curly hair.

I must go bigger.

"Industrial Hair Tightener"?

According to the sassy
lady at the beauty store,

this is the strongest perm
solution on the market.

It also says it's the premier
cosmetic product for show horses.

Indeed. Directions say 15 minutes
max. I'll double that and go 50.

Dude, do not do that.

Oh, it's done. I'm going where
no perm has gone before.

Looking good, Schmoo.

No one likes a show-off, Mom.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom's
new curly 'do had her so confident

that she decided she didn't
need anyone else's help.

Sweet Medusa.

I'm here to return your
book, John. I don't need it.

As you can see, I've already
made some huge changes.

Yeah, it draws the eye.

Oh, you noticed my
permanent. You like?

Um, I guess I have to say yes.

Well, why are you
looking at the floor?

- Mmm? Am I?
- Well, now you're looking at the wall.

Now you're looking
everywhere but my hair.


I'll have you know my
husband loves my hair.

Really? Well, your husband has

a very casual
relationship with the truth.

How dare you. Why
would he lie to my face?

- Uh, survival?
- Doesn't matter.

I feel as good as
this perm looks.

Okay, well, I wish
you a speedy recovery.

You know what? Let's
get an honest opinion.

- Thoughts?
- You were so hot, Mrs. G.

Why'd you have to do it? Why?

Know what? Change
is bad. Screw college.


Meanwhile, over on campus,

me and my pals
were ready for action.

Under cover of night,

we'd set off on a
big-time revenge mission.

Yep, inspired by
the classic scene

from Revenge of the Nerds,
we'd raid a sorority house.

But when it was finally
time to leap into action,

reality set in, and we just
felt uncomfortable and weird.

Now what?

I guess we rifle through their
drawers and steal underpants?

Um, now that we're actually here,
it kind of feels weird and invasive.

It felt much more
lighthearted in the movie.

If someone stole my private
stuff, I'd feel super violated.

I'd call the police. I
mean, it's a legit crime.

Well, we need to get
revenge somehow.

did, but in our own dorky way.

Pantry raid!

Oh, man, they have Fruit
Roll-Ups and Donkey Kong cereal?

My mom never buys this stuff.

Dude. SpaghettiOs. Score.

- Shark Bites.
- College is awesome.

Ew! There are high-school
nerds in the pantry!

There you are, Curly Q.


The sausage casserole...

I was just wondering
where it was.

Oh, I'm not gonna casserole
anything for you ever again.

That's a crazy thing to say.
What's going on with you?

I know, Murray.

You tried to derail the
Bevolution with a perm.

You don't even like it.

It's me, Murray, your
big guy. I love your perm!

It's fine.

Everyone help Barry.

My head feels like
it's covered in lava.

Not now, moron.

I know you hate
the perm, Murray.

You only told me that

so I wouldn't disrupt
your life by growing.

I promised my hair I'd go 50
minutes, but it's only been 10.

You're an adult lady.

You don't need to
grow. You'll be fine.

- It's so hot.
- No, it's not fine.

In three years, all our
kids will be out of the house,

and I'll have nothing.

You'll have me. Why
can't that be enough?

It's so hot and so cold.

I like our life the
way it is, Bevy.

I like us.

And if you go changing,
where does that leave me?

This isn't about you.

For once, this was
about what I wanted.

Ooh, ice-cream sandwiches.

Fine. Forget the hair, okay?
Just go up and wash it out.

It's a perm, Murray.

It's permanent.

Why do you think they
call it a perm? Da-doi.

Wait. This is permanent?
So, the pain will never stop?

Well, you got what you wanted.

The only thing that's ever
gonna change about me

is my stupid hair.

- My head's numb. I'm fine now.
- Yeah.

Hello, Kappas.

I am Riki Gold, and this is
the Riki Gold Experience.

I hear you love some
Styx? Any requests?

Play Mr. Roboto!

Come Sail Away it is.
And two, three, crap.

Erica. Oh, thank God.

You know this
little pantry raider?

Oh, gross.

Wait, did you say
pantry? Like, in a kitchen?

Help me. They called
the campus cops.

There's two of them
coming in a golf cart.

I can't handle
that kind of heat.

Okay, this was a mistake.

So, why don't you just
take your little friends,

and your guitar back
to the dorm, okay?

Thanks a lot!

Are you seriously
blaming me for this?

You dragged me up here
to write your stupid paper.

It's complicated, okay?

No, it's as clear as
day. You don't miss me.

You don't even care about me.

That is not true.

I just have a lot of
important stuff to worry about.


Gimme a break, okay?

College isn't anything like how it is
in those stupid movies that you love.

In real life, it is impossible.

Then you should have
just asked for my help.

I would've had your back.

Too bad you can't ever do
the same when it comes to me.

ADULT ADAM: After my Revenge
of the Nerds plan went bust,

we had no choice but to cut our
fantasy college weekend short.

Unbelievable. All those
college movies lied to us.

Back to School, Soul
Man, Animal House.

I didn't see one toga
the entire weekend.

And, honestly,

how can Rodney Dangerfield
have a hot tub in his dorm?

It would be plumbing nightmare.

Wait. Just give
me a minute, okay?

She came back for me.

You guys go ahead.
I live in DC now.

- Ew. No. I'm here for him.
- Me?

No. Look, you're all standing
in a clump. I'm here for Adam.

Got another paper
for me to write?

Look, I don't want you leaving,
thinking that I don't miss you.

But you don't.

I don't hear from
you for months,

and when I finally
do, it's just to trick me.

I don't ever call because
it's been a disaster, dude.

I can't keep up with classes,
my music's going nowhere.

I'm on my own, and
I just can't keep up.

No. You're not on
your own. You got me.

- And me.
- Timing, Dave Kim!

What I mean is,
maybe I can still help.

That party was my last shot
at getting on track at college.

- It's over.
- No.

I refuse to believe that.

And I refuse to believe all
those college movies lied.

But we all agreed they
did, like, 30 seconds ago.

No, Chad Kremp.
To you, I say no.

Okay, okay. We're all
on the same team here.

I'm tired of you tearing
us down, Chad Kremp.

Not this time.

Oh! Why am I
suddenly the bad guy?

Don't you see?

The problem hasn't
been that the movies lied,

it's that we didn't
believe in them enough.

I don't want to be a
Chad Kremp about this,

but I'm not sure I follow.

I think there's a way
Erica can get her gig back,

and we can live out our
favorite college movie for real.

At this point, I'm
game for anything.

Then it's on.

Sergei, did you
bring your violin?


This party is lamesville.

I only came here because
Twygs was playing.

I even have their T-shirt.

I don't know you.

I drove you here.

ADULT ADAM: Little did they know,
a rag-tag band of endearing dweebs

was about to blow their minds.

And much like the finale
of Revenge of the Nerds,

we put all our
geeky skills to use.


your hands, everybody

And, everybody, clap your hands

We're a band of
high-school geeks

Who have come to rock a rhyme

We got Davey Kim
on the beat we made

And we're sorry 'bout
doin' that pantry raid

We got Chad
Presley, he's stylin'

And my main man
Sergei on the violin

If you like our sound
let me hear ya scream

'Cause we're finally
livin' our college dream

ADULT ADAM: Yep, our college
dream had officially come true.

ALL: Boo.


I don't get it.

College movies taught us
that an epic musical rap finale

performed by underdogs
would win over any crowd.

It didn't, man. It
did the opposite.

- WOMAN: Get off the stage!
- Whoo! Okay.

Hope everyone enjoyed that
amazing, but brief, opening act.

So, who's ready for some Styx?

Play Mr. Roboto!

Come Sail Away it is.


(SINGING) I'm sailing away

Set an open course
for the virgin sea

I've got to be free

Here. I got you something.

- Not interested.
- Just open it.

What is this?

Business cards.

But I don't even know
what I'm gonna do yet.

But you will.

And when you do, you're
gonna be amazing at it.

Oh, Mur.

Look, I love our life.

I don't want to
lose what we have.

I'm happy right here with you.

But I'm at the point in
my life where I need more.

And I'm scared, too.
But I got to do this.

Okay. You do it.
Whatever it takes.

Even night school?

Means you're gonna be on
your own for a few dinners.

So I'll order some pizza.

You go follow your
dreams. It's a win-win.

ADULT ADAM: With that, my
dad fully embraced the Bevolution.

And thanks to Erica's
insane musical talent,

me and my friends finally got to
live out our crazy college weekend.

Carry on

A gathering of angels
appeared above my head

end, sometimes, it takes

losing sight of
the ones you love

in order to really see them.

They said, "Come sail
away, come sail away"

"Come sail away with me"

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, it's
easy to be afraid of change.

This is so much
better than the movies!

if you face your fears,

the future doesn't
seem so scary...

Come sail away, come sail away

when family's fully on board,

that's when your
life really sets sail.

Come sail away,
come sail away with me

Come sail away, come sail away

Come sail away with me

Come sail away, come sail away

Come sail away with me

I don't understand.

I wanted lush, bouncy
curls, but it just won't work.

Don't sweat it.

We'll still let you
be a part of the JTP.

Which now stands for
the Jenkintown Perms.


- The curliest crew around.
- Oh, yeah, we are.

Everyone, look. And laugh.

They gave each other
home perms like losers.

You look like a bunch of
Q-tips farted out a Slinky.


We've made a terrible mistake.

Thank God those chemicals
don't work on my awesome hair.

Oh, no.