The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Goldberg On The Goldbergs - full transcript

Back in the '80s,
I was unathletic,

uncoordinated, and
extremely lazy-eyed.

Luckily, there was an adult to help
shepherd me through this difficult time,

my gym teacher, Coach Mellor.

Hustle, hustle! Build
that muscle! Let's go!

I'm lookin' at you, Goldfarb!

Dave Kim, I am your father!

Dude! No one's
ever done that before!

And no one will
ever do it again!

Drop and give me
20 burpees! Now!

Just when I thought
gym couldn't get worse,



the new school
year began and it did.

All right!

Welcome to third-period
gym, freshmen through seniors.

Now, to any of you younger,
spindly-armed students

worried about the insane disparity
of height and weight in this class,

I say... What are ya gonna do?

Suggestion, Coach.

Perhaps the younger, dorkier students
should wear shin guards and helmets,

because I will
bring the thunder.

Oh, balls. You're in this class?

Looks like we got ourselves a classic
brother-versus-brother showdown.

- No, we don't.
- You know it.

This is why I snap on
these blue shorts every day.

Now let's play
some scooter ball!



And so Coach pitted
me against my brother

for the next three months,

and each class, it got worse.

Let's go, smaller
team! Get in their face!

Not in my house!

Good job, Goldberg.

Yep, Barry's vision was
laser-focused on me in gym.

Mine, on the other hand,
was a bit more wandering.

Where are your glasses,
kiddo? Your eye's all farkakte.

Broke in gym class.

Now we all got to
live with the lazy eye.

What's that? Are
you talking to me?

No, I was talking to Pops.

Then why are you looking at me?

I didn't! This is
me looking at you.

No, now you're looking
at Mrs. Butterworth.

- I am not!
- You're staring right at her!

Now one eye's staring at
me. I don't know what to do.

Bevy, your son's wonky
eye is ruining breakfast.

Adam, put your glasses on.

You broke them again?

No more glasses! Those
things cost a fortune.

From now on, you're gonna
wear an eyepatch like a regular kid.

But this wasn't my fault! I
was targeted in gym class!

Targeted? Who targeted my
smooshy-tushed baby boy?

'Twas I.

Barry, what have I told you
about picking on poor Adam?

Then came the Mom guilt trip
unique to brothers everywhere.

You realize that
one day, I'll be gone,

and the only thing
you'll have is each other.

Pass! He sucks.

I suck?

Even your wandering eye hates
you and wants to leave your head.

You two are gonna
be best friends forever,

or no Steak-umms for a month!

Why are you being so
mean to me about this?

Here, schmoo. You can
wear your backup glasses

till I get the broken
ones to LensCrafters.

No! You can't take
away this gift from me.

I finally have a
reason to go to school.

Adam, tell Coach Mellor you
want to be on Barry's team.

Saved by Mama Bear once again.

Now all I had to do was plead
my case to my bear of a coach.

Okay, party people!

The rubber balls are
wet and molded over,

so today, we will be playing
dodgeball with lady softballs.

They're large, they're hard,
and they will leave a mark.

Coach, quick sidebar?

First of all, son, you got to
take off the comedy glasses.

We're not in clown school.

Sadly, these are not for
hilarity, just to fix a lazy eye.

On that note, I was thinking maybe
Barry and I can be on the same team?

Or you can finally cast off your
self-doubt and those orthopedic glasses

and make your big bro
suck it on the court of life.

Solid plan.

However, my mom really
wants us on the same team

to avoid further damage
to my growing body.

Son, the only reason Barry
pummels you is because you let him.

You got to stop running
and unleash the beast inside.

And don't just do it for you.

Do it for all the picked-on,
little-dorkus brothers

who cry, "No more!"

Now, are you gonna
stand up and be a man

or are you gonna cower
behind your mommy?

You're pitting my babies
against each other on purpose?

Unacceptable!

I'm so sorry.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was October 11,
1980-something,

and Erica was making the most
of a wild Saturday night on campus.

No, you hang up.

- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.

- No, you hang up.
- No, you hang up.

- No, you hang up!
- No...

Oh, my God.

You're actually ruining
Peter Cetera for me.

Just hang up
already before I barf!

Okay, it's getting late, babe.

We need to hang
up for real this time.

God! It's so hard to hang up!

Who? What phone? Hello?

Geoff, I think we fell
asleep on the phone!

We fell asleep together?

Son of a bitch!

So much long-distance charges!

Crap! I'm the one who called you!
This phone bill's gonna be insane!

No! Your dad's gonna hate me so
much! Money's his anger flashpoint!

We got to get off this phone,
Geoff! Every second costs us!

- Hang up!
- No, you hang up!

- No, you hang up!
- No, you hang up!

Geoff, hang up the phone!

As Erica's phone
bill was skyrocketing,

my mom was still coming
down hard on Mellor.

I put up with your
macho attitude,

but when it affects my
family, we got big problems.

All right, here's the deal.

I, too, had a bully
for an older brother,

and, much like Adam,
I never stood up to him.

I was just too afraid.

You afraid?

You don't know Nick Mellor.

When we were kids,
he beat me at everything,

football, powerlifting,
Greco-Roman wrestling, riflery,

downhill running, kites.

Well, you're grown men
now. Things change.

Well, not for us.

Nick's the defensive
coordinator at Villanova.

And me?

I'm just a glorified activities'
adviser with chicken-cutlet thighs.

Stop.

Your thighs are very
large. Everyone says so.

The truth is, maybe if I'd stood
up to Nick when we were younger,

I'd be a college coach

and he'd be the one drying
out these moldy old balls.

Can't you just get past
it? He's your family.

You sound like Mama.
God rest her soul.

- You mean...
- She died doing what she loved, though,

frog squats.

Coach, does your brother have
any idea what he's done to you?

That's what Mama asked me,

right before she did
that last ill-advised rep

that sent her to the final
cool-down in the sky.

Mama, why'd you
have to crush it so hard?

While my mom was digging
into Coach's tough past,

Erica was making a
tough call of her own.

Hello. Goldbergses' residence.

Pops, don't say it's me, Erica!

- Is that Erica?
- Not Erica.

Play it cool!

I need to talk to Dad
about a gigantic phone bill,

but only if he's not cranky.

- First off, has he eaten?
- A little.

Now a little more.

He's really teasing that pickle.

Damn it, Al! Hand it over!

All right, what'd you do?

Well, I've kind of been
talking to Geoff a lot,

so the next phone bill might
possibly be a little bit, extremely high.

It's only money.

- "It's only money?"
- "It's only money?"

Yeah, it's only money.

This from the guy who made
me bring my own cream cheese?

You're messing with me, right?
This is just a weird mind game?

Look, I know long
distance is hard.

If you happen to talk on
the phone a little bit more

and it makes a
big bill, so be it.

Take the "Yes" and hang up!

I'm scared, but I
love you, and bye!

Okay, Mur. What's your angle?

No angle. I believe
in young love.

No, you don't.

Of course, I don't!

Do you know what it means to
have the one lonely freshman girl

who pines for her
boyfriend back home?

I remember that
girl, Ethel Kominski.

She was the worst.

Yeah! Now Erica's the worst.

Instead of partying
with frat boys,

she's on the phone every night with
some yutz a thousand miles away.

But that's horrible.

What about Erica
going out and having fun

and making mistakes
and living life?

I thought about that.

And then I thought,
"Nah. I'm good."

As my dad wanted to
keep Erica from college life,

my mom wanted a family reunion
between Coach and his brother.

- Come on, girls! High knees!
- Let's go!

Come on, 58!
What the hell is that?

This ain't Sunday school!

You're as useless as your
Communication degree!

Well, look at that!

A tea party broke
out at a football game!

Get up, Lopez! I'll say
when you have heatstroke!

That's Mellor's brother? Look at
him! It's like this coach ate our coach!

All I see is a big teddy bear
who aches for his brother's love.

You know, it's one thing
to mix in with your children.

It's another when it's with
enormous grown strangers.

You may be right.

Take five, guys!

I've got orange slices
and Kool-Aid here.

Help yourselves.

Spit it out.

What the hell do you
think you're doing, blondie?

I'm here to bring the
Mellor boys back together.

It's time to fix things with
Coach Rick, Coach Nick.

My brother? Pass!

Not you, Chandler!

Nice toss, Chandler! I bet
your mama's very proud.

You're not gonna leave here until
I agree to come with you, are you?

That's right. Beverly
Goldberg never backs down.

Also, I'm extremely intrusive.

Orange slice?

Okay, those are
meant to be shared.

The weekend had arrived,

but it was business
as usual for my sister.

Hi! Just doing my nightly RA
check-ins. Any big plans tonight?

Yeah. Huge. Don't wait up.

I get it, you'll trust
me when you're ready.

In the meantime, read this.

"Depression: More Than
A Case Of The Mondays?"

It happens to a lot of lonely,
isolated shut-ins, like you.

I'm not depressed, Srini.

Of course, not.

"Denial, De Thing Dat You Have."

Dear Lord, who writes this crap?

Such anger.

Luckily, I have the
perfect pamphlet for that.

Okay, seriously, do you have
a pamphlet for everything?

Big-time. He gave me the
one for divorced parents

and something else that's
totally cleared up now.

Look, I am not depressed
or angry or in denial.

I'm just in a
long-distance relationship.

Of course. All the signs were
there. You're a textbook BORF!

For sure. Total BORF.

Okay, what the hell is a BORF?

It stands for "Boyfriend-Obsessed
Reject Freshman."

That's you.

I am not a BORF!

It's not a bad thing, Erica.

You're just that sad girl
that stays on the phone

with her loser boyfriend from
high school 'cause she has no life.

That sounds very bad!

I don't want to be a
BORF! What do I do?

Come with me to the Delta
Nu party. It's gonna be bonkers.

Yes! Bonkers! I am there!
I'm just gonna call Geoff...

Is something that
a BORF would say.

- I need help.
- I'll get you a pamphlet.

Crimp?

Okay, ladies and
gentlemen, it's game time.

Today's scooter ball captains,
Goldberg versus Goldfarb.

Coach? We went
through this already.

Do I really have to get
my mom involved again?

It's happening, Goldfarb.

Now, get on that tiny
scooter like a man.

But that day, Coach
would have to man up

and face his older brother.

Yo, Coach Rick!

- Coach Nick.
- We need to powwow. Take a knee.

This is my gym. You take a knee.

Can't, I said
"Take a knee" first,

so, according to the laws of
coaching, you got to take it.

Boys, watch Mellor and Mellor

sort through decades of
anger, all thanks to me.

It's true.

Blondie came by work the other
day and told me you were sad,

and so I figured I'd just come by
here and tell you personally I'm sorry

that you lost your.

- Whoa!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Are you that gutless that
you got to get some hot mom

to come by and whine for you?

Thank you.

I've been waiting to
say this my entire life.

You are a mean and rude person!

- Excuse me?
- You're just jealous

'cause I'm a real coach
and you're stuck here.

That's not my fault,
but you act like it is,

and that is hurtful.

All right, that's it!
You're outta here!

Did you just blow
your whistle at me?

Yeah, I did!

And according to the laws of coaching,
that means you got to take a lap!

No. You take the lap!

How dare you blow your
whistle at me in my gymnatorium?

- You have no right!
- But I do.

This is the Blare-X 2000,
the champagne of whistles,

given only to college coaches.

So, my whistle wins.

Anybody can get a whistle.

What really matters
is what's in here,

and you and I both
know I always give 110%.

And everyone knows I give 111.

That's not possible!

Everybody knows that
110% is the maximum!

Boys, think of your
poor sweet mother.

You're family. You have
to settle this the right way.

- With sports.
- With sports.

I was thinking kind words and
maybe huggies and snuggies.

Never! We settle this
on the court, like men.

Scooter ball?

Shouldn't you choose a
game you don't suck at?

Let's go.

Two-on-two.

Big brothers versus little bros.

Winner takes the title of
best brother in the universe.

No! My babies
want no part of this.

Yes! I'm on the scary
giant's team now.

Barry Goldberg. Try to keep up.

While I was forced into
a brotherly death match,

my dad was dead set on keeping
Erica occupied on the phone.

Why don't you come on down
and get comfy cozy in my chair

- and call Erica?
- Really?

'Cause you said if I came
within five feet of your chair

that you'd punch my father.

That's me, the
funny dad havin' fun.

Here's the phone.

I'm gonna get you a cup of joe so
you can talk to Erica all night long.

Actually, she's at a frat party.

What? Why?

Her 32-year-old sophomore
RA called her a BORF,

so she's gonna experience
college a bit more. Does this recline?

Get out of my chair!

You're okay with Erica cavorting
around Washington, D.C.,

with a bunch of
drunken frat boys?

- Yeah, it's fine. I trust her.
- No!

You have to make sure that she's safe
and she's committed to you and only you.

Now get out of here!

And that's how you keep
your daughter a lonely shut-in

for another glorious evening.

Or you sent a desperate
high-school boy

to Erica's college to
commit to her forever.

Come on. He knew what I meant.

He had no idea what I meant.

That boy's got to be stopped.

If my parents ask, I'm staying
with Barry for the weekend.

- Thank you for believing in love!
- No, no, no!

That's the opposite
of what I believe in!

- Where are you going?
- I got to drive like hell,

beat that moron to Erica's dorm!

- You need pants!
- I'll get 'em on the way!

With that, my dad
scooted off to stop Geoff

from making a huge mistake.

Meanwhile, the gym was packed
for the great scooter-ball showdown.

Didn't think there'd be such
a big crowd for scooter ball.

You kidding?

Some even think we're
playing to the death.

To the death? What?

Relax. It's just a rumor.

But you might want to
give him one last squeeze.

This has gone too far.

Mama is putting a
stop to this right now.

Don't back down now! You can
do this on your own, Goldberg.

You called me by
my actual last name.

Yeah, because
you finally earned it.

Unless you want to
go back to your mother

solving all your problems
and end up just like me.

Oh, God! That's
the last thing I want.

- No offense.
- Some taken.

But he's right, Mom. I got
to stop hiding behind you.

I have to unleash
the beast inside of me.

No, Schmoo. You
know you can't eat dairy.

Not that beast!

I'm talking about Barry.

It's time he stops looking at
me like I'm some lazy-eyed nerd.

It really was.

Thanks to Coach, I finally
realized what I had to do.

Fight for every Rec
Spec-sporting little brother

who suffered a lifetime
of living in the shadows.

Game on!

I was gonna stand up to Barry,

by taking a seat and scooting
like I never scooted before.

You're going down, Mellor!

Not if I take you
down first, Mellor!

Go long, baby! Go long!

I got you! Look alive!

Take the shot, Goldberg!

Take the shot!

And that day...

Not in my house!

I gave Barry a gym-class
smackdown for the first time ever.

And it was glorious!

Foul! That was a
foul! It doesn't count!

You're cheating like
you always do, cheater!

Please! You got no integrity
at all! And you're a butthead.

Why don't you roll over here
and call me that to my face?

Here I come, tough guy.

Let's see what you got.

It's in the blood,
it's in the...

Is this what you
want when I'm gone?

Thanks to my dad's
poorly worded advice,

Geoff was ready to
go big or go home.

- Geoff?
- Erica!

I can't believe you're here!

I know. I had to see you.
And why is your dad here?

- Schwartz.
- I know.

Some last-minute
furniture-convention thing?

Yeah. I said that. You're
going to the Ramada with me.

No. He'll be staying with me.

Without adult supervision?
What do you think this is?

College.

I hear dorm drama.

I have a pamphlet for
defusing confrontations.

Oh, my. What's all this?

Lameness. Just Erica
totally BORFin' out.

Nobody is BORFing anyone.

Your dad's right.

It wouldn't be
appropriate for me to stay.

Unless...

Oh, boy.

We were married?

Is that a ring?

I sold my CD collection.

Whoa, whoa. What's
happening, dude?

It appears your boyfriend is proposing
with a tiny, little diamond flake.

It's a definite
"No" in my opinion.

Do you two mind?

Come on, Erica. What do you say?

Let's throw away our futures
and keep this love train

chuggin' on down
to marriage town.

So poetic.

Get out! Get out!

And you! What the
hell has gotten into you?

Mostly your dad.

So, is this happening, or?

Absolutely not!

Oh, thank God.

I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg.

She said "No," and I'm
super pumped about that.

Wait. Did you
put him up to this?

Well, not exactly like that.

Although I could get used to the
idea of a long-distance marriage.

Is that why you don't
care about the phone bills?

Are you trying to keep me
from having fun at college?

Hey, can I stand up now?

Who tries to ruin college for
their daughter? Who does that?

Hey, he's the one who
screwed it up by proposing.

I just wanted him to keep
you from having a life.

And I want you
both out of my life.

Don't be mad!

I was just trying to do
what everyone tells me to,

like a good boy!

I didn't want to make you unhappy.
I just wanted you to be lonely.

Okay, his thing is much
worse than mine. I love...

Yep, sometimes,
it's hard to let go,

and even harder to
admit when you're wrong.

Mind if I grab a hippo?

Sorry about gym
class. It's just...

I've picked on you my whole life,
and it's hard to let go, you know?

Well, it wasn't all bad.

I mean, you brought
out the beast in me,

and I scored my first
goal in anything ever.

That's all 'cause of you.

After seeing Coach and Coach
fight like little children, I realized,

I don't want that to
be us when we get old.

- It won't be.
- How can you be so sure?

'Cause even though you give
me dead arms and call me a nerd

and flush the toilet
when I'm in the shower,

you really are my best friend.

Same here, nerd.

Just like that, my mom's
worst nightmare went away.

'Cause that's what brothers do.

Yo, Coach Rick.

They look out for each other.
No matter how old they get.

Coach Nick. Come back to gloat?

No.

We're the ones who
dragged him back here.

He's got something
he needs to say.

Look, I had a
hard time as a kid.

I was huge and shy
and had a goatee,

- so everybody thought I was a narc.
- I remember.

I felt bad about myself,
and I took it out on you.

And I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Nick, you're right, I'm jealous.
You're a real coach and I'm here.

Hey, you turn these
little punks into men.

If that ain't great coaching,
I don't know what is.

That day, one set of brothers...

Get that thing out of
here and bring it in.

Helped another see
things a little differently.

Well, that could've gone better.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't go through
with marrying your daughter, Mr. G.

Again, not what I wanted.

But you're a nice boy, and
you really do love Erica, so...

Maybe someday.

Man. That means
you actually like me?

Just get in your tiny
French clown car.

- He likes me!
- Shut up.

Hey, idiot! Don't go!

Are you talking to him or me?

She's talking to you, Schwartz.

Just don't stay out too late.

Wait. You're okay
leaving us alone?

- Yeah, I trust you.
- No, you don't.

Look, it used to be my
job to keep you safe.

But I guess I just have to
realize that's not my job anymore.

I can't believe my little
peanut is all grown up.

Best team you'll ever
be part of is your family.

You take a lot of shots in
life, and sure, you miss a few,

but you're always
stronger together.

'Cause in the end, the best teams
aren't always the ones who win.

They're the ones who
play with their heart.

No more. No more!

I'm serious. No more!

That one's for Mama.

Your ball, Goldbergs.

We're done. You win.

- Game.
- Now it's game.

- Game!
- Game!

- Game!
- Game!

Come on. Now's our chance.

- Game! Game!
- Game, game!

- Game, game!
- Game, game!

- Game!
- Game!